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Old 09-09-2018, 09:03 PM   #161
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemme View Post
You know what? I gotta say...this happened. It happened and I'm still here. I'm still breathing and living my life, day in and day out. Is it what I thought it would be at this point? Nope. But the life that was advertised and I bought into wasn't what showed up. I just couldn't see it for the fancy packaging. And that's not on me. I refuse to victim shame myself. That's absolutely 100% on them.

I had to take a look at the BIIIIIG picture and see it for what it was. I got hoodwinked. Hook, line and sinker. And that was a HUUUUGE fear for me all these years but it's kind of like going to the dentist or getting a shot or doing something that you have built up in your mind over and over to the point where it's some mountainous obstacle instead of the mole hill that it really is. The fear was worse than the event itself, really.

It happened. I survived. I have more scars for it, but nothing that I think will hurt the next person to be brave enough to approach me. I have learned....and re-learned....some lessons that I will absolutely adhere to going forward. That's a good thing, I think. Having healthy and reasonable boundaries is good. Patrolling and policing those boundaries is better. Not having to address any attempts to walk over or bulldoze those boundaries is best.

I feel a little surprised at how okay I am, actually. It was a hard lesson but I suppose I had to have it hard because I'm stubborn and bullheaded and very thick sometimes. Now, I've got it. I'm good.

*eyeballs Universe*

lovers come and go ~ a good friend and family r always there enjoy the relationships wether they last or not your inner prevails !
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Old 09-09-2018, 10:01 PM   #162
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Default Late night rambles.

Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...
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Old 09-09-2018, 11:15 PM   #163
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Default

Relationship fears?

I have no fears because I am happier single.

Every tiny bit of my trust was used up years ago. I am okay with all that now and okay having made the choice to stay single the rest of my life.

For me, this is a good deal and so uncomplicated.
I love my quiet life with my dogs.
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Old 09-09-2018, 11:34 PM   #164
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Femmadian View Post
Vulnerability is my big bugaboo. When to give it, when to refrain, what's normal and what's not. I've been reading a lot on attachment styles lately and it's helped bring into focus a few things which needed attention and put words to other things I felt but was unable to name, such as the fear that with too much vulnerability, too much personal honesty, the person being allowed in will confirm your own deep down suspicions that something is fundamentally bad and unlovable about you. To even admit that I have those feelings at all makes my skin crawl. And then it's scary as hell to open yourself up to the possibility that those suspicions might be true... much easier to keep people at arm's length and never find out for sure (because what if the answer is yes?).

When your formative moments were had in an environment where the sort of personal vulnerability that's normal in any human relationship was regularly weaponized against you, then the maladaptive responses you've learned as survival instincts are very difficult to unlearn. Ignoring those instincts feels quite literally as though you're knowingly putting yourself in harm's way. To put it another way, it can be incredibly hard to calm even for a moment that wild-eyed horse you feel inside you who's getting ready to bolt at the first sign of sudden movement. Living like that, engaged in a perpetual fight or flight mode, is exhausting.

And it's hard to explain that in any meaningful way to someone who has had (by contrast) mostly secure, normative experiences in this regard without sounding at least a little crazy.

Another is really examining what it is about yourself that makes you attract exactly the kind of person you attract (as others have mentioned)... but also examining the kind of people you choose to cultivate relationships with and why. Even platonically, and for all of my life, I've tended to attract people who are essentially looking for a free therapist. I don't think that this is, in and of itself, necessarily a bad thing, but this kind of intense emotional support needs to be reciprocal. And most of my relationships just... aren't. It's a recipe for emotional burn out. As I've been trying to have a healthier relationship with stating my own needs and boundaries and attempting to open up more to the people who are important to me, it's been rather sobering to see just how quickly most of them shut down and tune out whenever I tentatively take a step forward (we're talking attention spans of 20 seconds or less). It's kind of depressing.

So in a way, one of my relationship fears is largely being realized right now, namely that as I'm actually reaching out for the first time in my life (as messy and unpracticed as it naturally is), most of the people in it do not actually care that much about me beyond the superficial and beyond what I can do for them. Ouch.

I just... I can't do that anymore. I have way too much going on in my own life to always be carrying other people's burdens without any help with my own. Even as I type this now, I have to seriously fight the urge to hit the backspace key because I hate how needy and angsty it sounds and I don't want to be "one of those people" (whoever "those people" are), but fuck it. Something about insanity being doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result, you know?

And so now the fear is, what happens when you stop being someone's emotional beast of burden and who even are you as a friend or a partner (especially as a woman and a Femme) when you're no longer placing yourself in that role? Do you even have more to offer? When you define yourself by how much weight you can carry, what then happens when the day comes that you drop it?

Lots of heavy questions...
Brilliant post. I've been asking myself exactly the same questions.
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Old 02-15-2019, 11:16 PM   #165
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Rejection

Ruining the relationship like my past ones have been before
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Old 02-17-2019, 12:40 PM   #166
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Being the only one to do the work...
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Old 02-17-2019, 05:38 PM   #167
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My biggest fear in relationships is not being able to comfort/help my partner when they need it, not being able to make them feel safe. Sure I'm scared of being cheated on or having my heart broken just like everyone else but that one is the worst.
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Old 02-24-2019, 10:44 AM   #168
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Not being able to adapt to what she needs

My family scaring her off, that's a huge one! I have judgy mcjudger pants in the family!
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Old 02-24-2019, 05:09 PM   #169
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That all my "little worries" are more than the past trying to sabatage my future...
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Old 02-24-2019, 07:40 PM   #170
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That new and shiny will wear off.
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Old 02-24-2019, 08:12 PM   #171
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mel C. View Post
That new and shiny will wear off.
the "new" does wear off ~ hence the inevitable ~ the shiny keeps on shining ~ with a look , a sexy grin , just the way u look ~
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Old 02-28-2019, 08:45 PM   #172
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Originally Posted by Mel C. View Post
That new and shiny will wear off.
Oh my love i find you more amazing each day and i can’t wait to grow old with you.... it will always feel shiny and new!


pssst... i have the same fear
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Old 02-28-2019, 09:03 PM   #173
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Quote:
Originally Posted by girl_dee View Post
Oh my love i find you more amazing each day and i can’t wait to grow old with you.... it will always feel shiny and new!


pssst... i have the same fear
so beautifully said ((((( dee & mel )))))))
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Old 05-24-2019, 06:41 AM   #174
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My relationship fears came true and I didn't have to wait long. Best to know now. Small thing called trust and being safe. Lets not forget about my 3 little simple rules that are easy for me to follow.
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Old 05-24-2019, 09:49 AM   #175
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mel C. View Post
That new and shiny will wear off.
The new and shiny hasn't worn off in 25 years. I consider myself very lucky. We find something new and amazing about one another daily.
Went through two marriages ~10 years each before finding my true other half.
If you haven't found her/him, keep looking. They're out there.
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Old 05-24-2019, 08:29 PM   #176
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When we were young her mother told mine how upset she was because her daughter had no friends. So my mom volunteered my services - would it really kill me to be nice to her? I don't know, with any luck. Well it almost got me arrested and she was hauled off to jail. Only then did my mother believe it was as bad as I said it was and no I probably shouldn't be forced to be her “friend” anymore.

Years later I got involved with a woman, kept getting the feeling I knew her from someplace but couldn't place where. She denied it. Well turns out she was that girl, all grown up and living with me because I didn't recognize her, but she knew me! She was like a vicious little psycho Chucky doll come to life when we were young, and decades later even more evil. It was like she had time to perfect her craft.

So one of my worries, concerns it that something like that will happen again. And I'd rather be single, single and celibite even for the rest of my life, than ever have anything like that happen to me again. I would like to be in a relationship but only if it's a healthy one, and that might take some work. And, well the older I get the lazier I am. I mean that's not a flattering thing to admit but it's true.
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Old 06-03-2019, 09:18 PM   #177
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rustedrims View Post
My relationship fears came true and I didn't have to wait long. Best to know now. Small thing called trust and being safe. Lets not forget about my 3 little simple rules that are easy for me to follow.
This has been a reoccurring theme in my relationships. so I get it.

My main one is still my family, very judgy, no one is good enough for me deal.
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Old 06-04-2019, 03:11 AM   #178
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I admit i have shut down. I dont feel like getting invested in a relationship anymore. One month, 3years, 20 years. Nothing lasts. It is only a matter of time before it ends. Or you have to be highly tolerant.

Not saying this is this way for everyone. Kudos to those who have found a way to make it work. It is just no longer a thing for me. Relationships that is
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Old 06-04-2019, 05:59 AM   #179
cathexis
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Relationships are difficult, they require much work and maintenance. Longterm ones tend to get a little easier as you get to know one another's reactions and idiosyncrasies, but like a garden has to tended daily or it will cease to be what you imagined when starting. Both my Partner and I work at our relationship continually, which is how we stayed together and in love for 25 years (in 2 mos). Also, we reinvent or tweak it every now and again. We make minor adjustments, but it has always remained D/s and strong.
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Old 06-04-2019, 06:21 AM   #180
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Originally Posted by RebelDyke View Post
I admit i have shut down. I dont feel like getting invested in a relationship anymore. One month, 3years, 20 years. Nothing lasts. It is only a matter of time before it ends. Or you have to be highly tolerant.

Not saying this is this way for everyone. Kudos to those who have found a way to make it work. It is just no longer a thing for me. Relationships that is
I understand this feeling. While I've had great experiences with a very few wonderful people over the course of my life, most of my choices have not been wise. I got my mother's 'picker' I suppose. She was in a race with Liz Taylor to see who could marry the most before they passed. She was close, too.

I tend to go all in once I feel the relationship is solid and that's just not smart emotionally, psychologically and most definitely financially. Not with the people I choose. I lose my individuality and self and common sense too.

So, romantic relationships are no longer for me. When I was mulling it over...whether to 'keep trying' and 'putting myself out there'...I thought I'd be sad but I'm not. I'm content with the decision.
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