Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by lipstixgal

So I'm guessing that you woke up and went to the bathroom in time I hope!!

[lipstixgal]

Originally Posted by JustJo

By the face you mad Jo I guess not!! I can't believe that a laxative would act so fast at night and a sleeping pill combined too but I guess anything can happen..

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by lipstixgal

By the face you mad Jo I guess not!! I can't believe that a laxative would act so fast at night and a sleeping pill combined too but I guess anything can happen..

No...actually I was trying to tell you that it was a joke

[Admin]

Hey Folks,

We are getting several reported posts from this thread about the content of the "jokes" here.

It is STILL against the TOS to post "jokes" that are racially insensitive, culturally insensitive, -phobic, grossly sexist, etc. Just because it's a joke doesnt mean that it gets a pass on the -isms.

Please keep it clean and accessible to everyone on this site.

Thanks,
Admin

[weatherboi]

How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None...racists don't like being enlightened.

[WolfyOne]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
What have you got there, dear?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

[girl_dee]

democrats think the glass is have full
republicans think they OWN the glass.

[WolfyOne]

Susie's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months. Things looked grim, but she was by his bedside every single day. One day as he slipped back into consciousness, he motioned for her to come close to him. She pulled the chair close to the bed and leaned her ear close to be able to hear him.

"You know" he whispered, his eyes filling with tears, "you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you stuck right beside me. When my business went under, there you were. When we lost the house, you were there. When I got shot, you stuck with me. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. "And you know what?"

"What, dear?" she asked gently, smiling to herself.

"I think you're bad luck."

[WolfyOne]

Harold's new job had him working really late. He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and asks for a doberman. The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes back with a little poodle. Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?" The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate." "Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says. The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he points to a sign advertising dog food. The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this. The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds. By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says. When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This little thing, a watch dog? No way." Harold says, "But this dog knows karate." "Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!" ...

[always2late]

A man walks into a bar and sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. He approaches her and asks if he can buy her a drink. She replies "OK, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and walks away. A little while later, he comes back and asks if he can buy her another drink. She replies "Fine, but it won't do you any good." He gets her the drink and they talk for a bit. Then he invites her to see his apartment. She replies "Sure, but it STILL won't do you any good!" When they get to the apartment he turns to her and says "You are the most beautiful, amazing woman I've ever met. I want you for my wife." "OH that's different," she replies "send her in!"

[MsTinkerbelly]

If you are 40, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways… yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!

And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!


See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd

[Janstevie]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bath. One of them was washing her private parts and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched the patient "down there."
They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined. No pulse, no heart rate, nothing.
The nurses ran back into the room. "What happened?"
The husband said, "I'm not sure, she just started to choke.

[rlin]

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable fidelity practices when suddenly, the woman reaches over and slices off the mans penis and angrily tosses it out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a pickup truck with a man and his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him. All of the sudden, the penis smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy what in the heck was that ?!?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute, she says. "Sure had a big dick."

[Glenn]

I went to Italy for the holidays with another butch who said she knew a lot of people there. As we were walking around the Vatican, one of the guards shouted, "Jo, it is you isn't it?" Jo said the friend offered to show us around the private apartments, and to arrange a special audience with the Pope. I laughed and said "Jo, now you've gone too far. Your full of s*** . Im going back to the hotel." So I walked out and there was huge crowd waiting for the Pope to come onto the balcony. Then, I heard them all suddenly fall silent and slowly start muttering in Italian. So I asked a woman standing next to me, "What are they saying?" Then she pointed to the balcony and said, "Look up there! Who is that person standing on the balcony with Jo? Do you know?"

[Janstevie]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the Ford F-150 when I turned into the driveway.

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the Ford F-150 fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your Ferrari. I missed our bikes.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.
You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.
I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. xxx


Oh, PS: YOUR GIRLFRIEND PHONED.

[afixer]

me standing outside this morning after work warming up several co-workers cars in our sub freezing weather talking to a gaggle of women when one of my co-workers sends me a text that says...


flirt!

[Janstevie]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the
responsibility to marry the perfect woman so
they could produce beautiful children beyond compare

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning,
gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the farmer,
asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married,
so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit,
not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one
of the other girls;so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit,
not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away.Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the ugliest baby you can imagine. He
rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing
could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer,
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[Starbuck]

Little Johnny come down for breakfast one morning but hadn't done his chores yet. His mother asked him, "have you done your chores yet?" Johnny replied, "no". His mother promptly told Johnny "you know you can't have breakfast until your chores are done." This upset Johnny. So off he went to do his chores. When he fed the chickens, Johnny kicked a chicken. When he slopped the pigs, he kicked a pig. When he milked the cow, he kicked the cow. Now after chores, Johnny was very hungry and he was looking forward to some eggs, bacon, and some cereal. But when it came time for breakfast, all he got was some dry cereal! "Mom, why is do I only get dry cereal?" Johnny asked. Johnny's mom replied, "I saw you kick the chicken, so no eggs for a week; I saw you kick the pig, so no bacon for a week; and I saw you kick the cow, so no milk for a week." About that time Johnny's dad came down stairs for breakfast, mumbling, and kicked the cat. Johnny looked at his mom and smiled and said, "you want me to tell him or do you want to?"

[Janstevie]

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a
problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and
read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house,
and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
that phrase . ... In no time.'

Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away Frank. Our prayers have been
answered!'

[Janstevie]

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED. THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. 'THAT WAS MY PAGER,' SHE SAID. I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, 'THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.'

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END. THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT.....I'M GETTING A FAX!!