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Old 01-28-2010, 10:14 PM   #21
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I just want to offer compassion. Strength for the weary as I see it.

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Old 04-19-2010, 03:16 PM   #22
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Did anyone catch Oprah today? It was Mo'Nique's family being interviewed, mainly her older brother, Gerald Imes. He acknowledges that he molested Mo'Nique AND apoligized to her.

Gerald Imes alledges that his drug abuse and the fact that he was sexually molested as a youngster caused him to abuse his younger sister. I am not sure I really buy into this logic. But that is just me.

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Old 04-19-2010, 06:04 PM   #23
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Did anyone catch Oprah today? It was Mo'Nique's family being interviewed, mainly her older brother, Gerald Imes. He acknowledges that he molested Mo'Nique AND apoligized to her.

Gerald Imes alledges that his drug abuse and the fact that he was sexually molested as a youngster caused him to abuse his younger sister. I am not sure I really buy into this logic. But that is just me.

Andrew
I didn't see the show but I think it's plausible. Sexual abuse tends to be a vicious cycle, spread like a contagious disease, from one generation to the next.

Also, drugs are fully capable of causing violent and/or abusive behavior in people. So, it's possible. But it's possible that someone could be using those things as an excuse for behavior that may or may not have occurred without the drugs and abuse. It's really very hard to tell sometimes.
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Old 04-20-2010, 04:56 PM   #24
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I agree Gemme. I just am a bit shocked that he (Gerald Imes) choose to be so open on public TV about raping his younger sister. I would think that would be more appropriate to be discussed with a therapist. I don't know anything about drug abuse, and even when my older sister was abusing cocaine I was 19 years younger than she was.
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Old 04-30-2010, 08:01 PM   #25
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Hmm... I've been posting in the mental illness thread, and I've really had to stop and think about something that is weighing heavily on my mind and affecting my mental wellbeing. I haven't been able to speak this "horror" out loud and in all honesty only two people closest to me even know about it. I'm hoping that eventhough I can't force the words out of my lips, that actually seeing the words take shape will help me. And I hope that this is the right place to post this. Anyway, here goes:

A little background on me: I may be a 5'4" tall femme, but I have always been a self-proclaimed "badass". I always stand up for the underdog even if it sometimes takes force. When I walk into the local bars I know most everyone by name and generally like everyone there whether they are gay, lesbian, trans, etc doesn't matter. We're like a family and they know that I will stand up for that family. When someone gets too drunk and starts harassing or bullying another person, they know that I am usually the one who steps in and does damage control. I never pick fights or start trouble, but I have no problem defending myself and/or others if I feel there is an injustice going on. I'm kinda fearless for the most part, in any given situation like that. Now, keep that in mind....

On the eve of Good Friday, I became the victim of a sexual assualt. A straight male thought it would be "good fun" to rape the "dyke". I am so ashamed to say that I was in such shock that I couldn't even fight back. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight him off, I couldn't do anything. I don't understand! Where was all my bravado? Why did the badass protector in me retreat? Why could I not stop this?? Why couldn't I protect myself???

I sit and I cry and I truly don't know... I always had that misguided thought that "oh, that could never happen to me" and "oh, I know I could fight back". And then, this horror DID happen to me. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it. It's like I shrank into myself and a part of me died while this was happening. The physical violation doesn't even compare to the emotional and mental violation. I just don't understand. I wrote above about my stupid little badass personality. Where the hell was it when I actually needed it??? Does anyone have any idea why I allowed this to happen to myself?? Please! Someone tell me! I don't understand it!! I feel so ashamed and so disgusted... I can't even force the words out of my mouth. And I truly wish that this was something that I could shove into a file in the back of my mind and lock the door on it. But I can't. I just can't stop feeling like it's my fault that I couldn't stop it...
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Old 05-01-2010, 12:27 AM   #26
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Hmm... I've been posting in the mental illness thread, and I've really had to stop and think about something that is weighing heavily on my mind and affecting my mental wellbeing. I haven't been able to speak this "horror" out loud and in all honesty only two people closest to me even know about it. I'm hoping that eventhough I can't force the words out of my lips, that actually seeing the words take shape will help me. And I hope that this is the right place to post this. Anyway, here goes:

A little background on me: I may be a 5'4" tall femme, but I have always been a self-proclaimed "badass". I always stand up for the underdog even if it sometimes takes force. When I walk into the local bars I know most everyone by name and generally like everyone there whether they are gay, lesbian, trans, etc doesn't matter. We're like a family and they know that I will stand up for that family. When someone gets too drunk and starts harassing or bullying another person, they know that I am usually the one who steps in and does damage control. I never pick fights or start trouble, but I have no problem defending myself and/or others if I feel there is an injustice going on. I'm kinda fearless for the most part, in any given situation like that. Now, keep that in mind....

On the eve of Good Friday, I became the victim of a sexual assualt. A straight male thought it would be "good fun" to rape the "dyke". I am so ashamed to say that I was in such shock that I couldn't even fight back. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight him off, I couldn't do anything. I don't understand! Where was all my bravado? Why did the badass protector in me retreat? Why could I not stop this?? Why couldn't I protect myself???

I sit and I cry and I truly don't know... I always had that misguided thought that "oh, that could never happen to me" and "oh, I know I could fight back". And then, this horror DID happen to me. And I couldn't do anything. I couldn't stop it. It's like I shrank into myself and a part of me died while this was happening. The physical violation doesn't even compare to the emotional and mental violation. I just don't understand. I wrote above about my stupid little badass personality. Where the hell was it when I actually needed it??? Does anyone have any idea why I allowed this to happen to myself?? Please! Someone tell me! I don't understand it!! I feel so ashamed and so disgusted... I can't even force the words out of my mouth. And I truly wish that this was something that I could shove into a file in the back of my mind and lock the door on it. But I can't. I just can't stop feeling like it's my fault that I couldn't stop it...
First, I'm very sorry that this happened. Please stop being so hard on yourself. This is a very horrible thing that has happened to you. TO you. It does not, in any way, define who you are or what you are made of.

If it happened to someone you loved, would you think it was their fault? Of course not and this was not your fault in any way, shape or form.

Second, most everyone knows about the fight or flight survival instincts. Not everyone knows that there is another 'f'...freeze. It sounds like that is what you did and it was instinctual and it did what it was designed to do...keep you alive. Though I don't know you in real time, I can honestly say that I am very happy for that and I'm sure your family and friends feel the same way.

Strength is not always found one fell swoop but in the journey afterwards. Many blessings to you and thank you for being brave enough to post your story.
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Old 05-01-2010, 12:45 AM   #27
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Sometimes the strongest thing to do is not fight back. It might have saved your life.
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Old 05-01-2010, 09:20 AM   #28
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I just don't understand and will never be able to wrap my head around the joy of rape. Never.

I know when my sisters came to me for protection when I was maybe 5 or 6 yo, I tried to stand up to my father who was in his mid to late 40's. I have survivors guilt for that. I will take that with me to the day I die.
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Old 05-01-2010, 11:07 AM   #29
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Default ~warning~ Possibly Triggering.

Rape is almost 95% Power + Control...
It's very seldom about getting Pleasure by force...

That being said, I still cope with events that occurred in my childhood, and within a disastrous relationship as an Adult..

I endured a lot between the age of 8 and 11, far more than I did previously..
Physical wounds heal, but the emotional ones are for Life.
I could deal with my Fathers emotional/physical abuse..
Took me years to convince myself to say anything about the rest, let alone accept the term "Survivor".

My mother hired my brothers best friends Mother to take care of us, since she worked 2 Jobs, and my father was Frequently "away", he was in the Marine Corp., at this point we were used to babysitters..Especially babysitters from Hell.
I had already endured 2 previous babysitters being "Nice" to me...
At first everything was alright, but then the Divorce process for some reason hit my mother like a ton of Bricks {she filed for it, which is why it's baffling}
She wound up hospitalized from the mental breakdown, and the babysitter said she'd watch us..
That's pretty much when my "hell on earth" started.
Her quiet, distant, oldest son evidently took an interest.
Quite the disciplinarian, when I refused to do something, I was almost guaranteed an ass-whoopin after being dragged to a bedroom while he had a fistfull of Hair..
I vividly recall the first night he approached me.
Typical autumn night, I'm sleeping on the floor in the baby room{we weren't allowed on the beds}, he rested by my side, and yeah in my innocence I figured "maybe he argued with his mom and needs a quiet place to rest"
He placed his hand over my mouth, and all I could think was his body weighed a Ton, I couldn't breathe..
And of course, inexplicable, astonishing, nauseating pain..
When it was over, he said something, I couldnt understand it {I didnt have hearing aids at this time, and I relied heavily on seeing Lips}, so I got a hard slap, and he clarified "yes or no", considering my logic said "yes = satisfying answer" I said yes, and he left.
These nightly visits continued often, one night I figured if I made some kind of unpleasant noise, his parents would catch him..
So, I would frequently yank the baby's lullaby toy to play it.
Not once did they pop up.
I can't listen to the song nowadays.
The beatings got worse, he got more Brazen I suppose is the word for it..
It spilled into Daytime, I was forced to "dress up" often, frequently he'd bring in some portable camera box, that I later realized was a camcorder of those days, if I didn't walk down the basement stairs, he would drag me, or throw me...

My behavior changed drastically, often my professors would send me to the Principals office, baffled at my moods, in detention I'd get into fights frequently, or stayed by myself..
Only 1 person in the entire school building had suspicions, the school nurse..when she asked though, I denied anything, after all my mother was sick, and I felt I'd be in grave danger if I said anything...
2 times a social worker came by to my babysitters house, Both times they didn't see anything that raised alarms...
He started to tell me if I didn't do some things he wanted, he'd simply find my brother.
The first time he said this, I snapped, I started throwing plates, cups, silverware at him.
Yeah, brainfart..but -shrug-
I won't get into much "lurid" details here for my own reasons...
Oftentimes their Minister would pop up, they'd wake me and I'd receive ice cream..for awhile, I was in hog-heaven whenever the Minister came by, it was one of those rare times I was pampered and treated like a lil prince...
I later realized the times I didn't comply, or successfully made things difficult, there was no ice cream.
Once, I was fed up, and I ran out of the house...in a long t-shirt and panties, I kept running like there was a pack of hyenas behind me..
He did catch up, and pushed me, I ate gravel, and he picked me up..I screamed, I mean..really screamed..y'know how kids scream when pitching a tantrum? Folks usually investigate.
Not one neighbor peeped out their door or window..I latched on to a rusty car, and kicked a lot..he punched my nape and took me back inside, bloody hands, irritated throat..
Another event that still puzzles is, one night he woke me, after his parents were "gone to Church", I was introduced to 'water sports', he wanted me to pee, and I couldn't..Soo, he hit me a few times, in my state of mind I managed a little..
He was a bit mad, shoved me back to bed.
His mother woke me violently dragging me by the arm to the clothes hamper, and in addition to cursing me out as a filthy waste of spic sperm, she 'educated' me in the art of actually wearing Panties to bed.
How she knew I didn't have panties on that night was beyond me for a very long time.
That nightmare ended when my mother was released from the Hospital, I swear, I saw her as the closest thing to an Angel...
She packed our stuff that same night, the next day she bought us a lot of kiddie fun stuff{water guns, plushie animals, silly putty, hot wheels, gingerbread cookies etc}, and purchased a pair of Cockatoo's, by 11 pm, we were on our way to Puerto Rico, I looked out the plane window and gave Missouri "the Bird"..
I was 9 at the time, he was 19
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Old 05-14-2010, 09:08 PM   #30
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Does anyone mind if a new member wanders in on the ongoing conversation here?

Some of you might know me here - others might not.... and I've written some about my past history with sexual abuse. I'll try to not repeat myself tonight, but I wanted to come here and write a bit about my experience.

*It's complicated*

I have a love/hate relationship with my family... because my father and my eldest brother were my sexual perpetrators - in the beginning - and later on, as I grew up to be the young woman that I was (and still am to a certain degree), I discovered that my mother was complicit throughout the whole process - it was "tit for tat" like mental game that pervaded in my family life.

It's complicated because ... on one hand my abusers violated me; and on the other hand my abusers taught me everthing that I know - it's strange/wierd to me that, even after much therapy over the past years, persons capable of committing such treacherous behaviors against another human being, could be loved at all.

I loved my father. I was daddy's girl. I looked up to my eldest brother too - but that all ended when sets of abuse were exacted against me - repeatedly - randomly - no holds barred "war" and I never knew when the next assault would happen.

My father was a service man - his whole family served in the military. He served in the Navy - while some of his brothers and sisters served in other branches of service. My father's twin brother took his life (he and his wife were childless by choice) - and in what I think is the flip side of his twin brothers' situation, my father was always trying to take my life from me. Repeatedly. Over and over again. He even socialized and taught my brother the finer art of doing it because if he didn't - I'm pretty sure my eldest brother might not be around. He is, but he has own hell to live in.

Anyway, the reason that drew me to write about it tonight was because I was just watching a video clip and something occurred to me (because the man in the clip lived through catastrophic war scenarios during WW2) about how he was being memorialized for not giving up.

My father was rigid man. Our household family dynamics are classified as "Protective" - that's a specialized term in Human Communication processes. We didn't have open communication- it wasn't allowed. But somehow, the potent mixture/combination of dynamics in our family served me well because I never just took it. I always fought with my abusers. I know that (in my case) my will to not be treated like that, saved my life.

I know that my experience is not unique at all.... I used to attend a private group and most of us who attended in this group all shared similar stories.

I know that what saved my life was my sheer will to not give up and to fight back and simultaneously walk away.... sometimes, I ran for hours on adrenaline surges, just to get away.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share a bit tonight.
~ALK
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Old 08-01-2010, 03:16 AM   #31
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I have a question, how can I as a friend help someone who has been abused in the past, they come to me to talk and I just listen but I feel helpless, they feel it was their fault and I know it's not by any means. Any suggestions for us friends on what to say or do or act?
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NotAnAverageGuy,

Just listen. Trust me - that is best thing you can do. I am a survivor. I know first hand that it is a gift you can give to someone is to sit and listen to them talk. Sometimes that is what they just need to do. Do not act surprised. Do not belittle the person at all. Go with the flow of the conversation.

Namaste,
Andrew
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Andrew is right. The best thing you can do for your friend now is to do what you've been doing, listening to him/her. Guilt is a very common emotion associated with abuse. Very often, you'll hear adult abusers saying, "S/he made me do it. If s/he didn't look so sexy or like s/he wanted it, I wouldn't have done it." Blame is frequently placed upon the victim, whether by the victim, the abuser or both. You can consistently, gently remind him/her that it's not his/her fault. I might suggest s/he talk to a counselor. If s/he balks, offer to go with him/her.

Having a trusted person to listen when I need to vent or 'talk out loud' has been priceless and probably the most effective method I've used to cope with past abuse. It may seem as if you are not doing anything productive, but abuse is more psychological than physical, in my experience. Just providing a safe environment is a tremendous help to your friend.
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I agree with the postings above that one of the best ways to help a friend who has been abused is to listen. One of the components of abuse is secrecy. Victims are coerced or threatened not to speak. They are made to feel guilty and that feeling of guilt is compounded by remaining silent. Sometimes all a person needs is a kind, nonjudgemental ear. The very act of being able to speak of the abuse without fear of judgement or recrimination can be cleansing.
The only thing I would add to these suggestions, which are wonderful, is to never dig for details. If/when your friend shares the details, breathe deeply and try not to flinch. We have learned to read faces as a way of survival. Often we will stop speaking if we think we've said too much. It's not easy, but it is something I suggest to friends and loved ones of survivors wanting to know how best to support the person in their lives.
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Old 08-01-2010, 11:47 AM   #32
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The only thing I would add to these suggestions, which are wonderful, is to never dig for details. If/when your friend shares the details, breathe deeply and try not to flinch. We have learned to read faces as a way of survival. Often we will stop speaking if we think we've said too much. It's not easy, but it is something I suggest to friends and loved ones of survivors wanting to know how best to support the person in their lives.
This is absolutely true.
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Old 08-01-2010, 09:14 PM   #33
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Default possibly triggering, though i tried to leave out the gory details

I am a survivor. This is my story, or at least part of it.

Running to my parents' room, age 3, the thunder scared me. My father pulled me into the bed, I expected comforting, he slid his hand in my panties.

Happy 9th Birthday, he steals my virginity and my hope.

I'm 10 and begin cutting myself. The relief is unexplainable.

I'm 12 and in a house alone with my father and brother-in-law. Most of my siblings (his children) are much older; married with their own children. I learn all about sharing and I feel myself breaking from the inside out.

Still 12, I am awakened by sounds of my sister (5 years older than me) screaming. He is strangling her. Holding her by the throat against the wall and forcing himself upon her. I run, barefoot in my nightgown, to the convenience store 3 blocks away and call the police. My sister is sent away, nothing happens to him. My sister later tells me she hates me for being born. Had I not been born he would not be in her life. She is wrong, but I won't have the strength to tell her this for nearly 20 years.

I'm 13 and the state of Texas has finally gotten involved after my second suicide attempt. The caseworker gives my mother a choice "your husband or your child", she sends me to Georgia to live with her sister whom I don't know. After a month I am back in Texas and told to never tell anyone that my father still lives in the same house as me. I also spend 29 days in a locked ward for adolescents, I feel safe for the first time.

I'm 15, mom rents an apartment. She lives with my father, I live alone in an apartment. She pays the bills and I keep her secrets. It's the life I've been conditioned to accept.

I'm 18 and without a place to live, stay with mom and him. He rapes me for the last time. I hold a knife to his throat and tell him that if he ever so much as brushes against me I will kill him and get away with it.

I'm 21, he dies. I don't cry. He suddenly becomes a saint and I am finally, officially disowned by everyone except my mother. I wish that she was included.

I'm 31, I still have some contact with my mother. I try to cope. I go to therapy and take medication to help with the flashbacks. I have survived. I am surviving. I am reclaiming what was taken and leaving as much as I can in the past.

I wish now only to be heard by the family I was born into. Just hear me and maybe, finally, realize I was deserving of love. I was deserving of much better than I received. I do not hate them, but I have ceased to care about them. Their rejection no longer hurts my soul.

I'm learning, dealing, growing. They will not win. I will live and live well. No one can take that from me.
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Old 07-27-2016, 08:30 AM   #34
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I'm not sure what happened, but I apologize for not responding to your post Jinxd. Most likely, I got tied up in my own personal drama.

That's a heavy burden to bear. I'm glad you have been able to extract yourself from most of the family and most of that toxicity. I have never been able to understand someone not working to protect a child in danger or the value of secrecy and prolonging abuse. It teaches children to be shame hoarders and predators that there is little to no consequences for their actions.

I'm very firm in my stance that if you put a hand on a child in an abusive manner, you should draw back a nub. Same thing with a penis. My own version of an eye for an eye, I guess.

Thank you for sharing.
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Old 10-08-2016, 12:57 PM   #35
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This woman started discussion on sexual assault under hashtag #notokay and within only 13 hours got over 1 million tweets back! *sad*

https://mic.com/articles/156250/afte...af5#.dY3FVrdLS

Calling sexual assault "locker room banter" or "a distraction" is textbook definition of rape culture in action. Women know this #NotOkay
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Old 12-02-2017, 02:25 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kätzchen View Post
Does anyone mind if a new member wanders in on the ongoing conversation here?

Some of you might know me here - others might not.... and I've written some about my past history with sexual abuse. I'll try to not repeat myself tonight, but I wanted to come here and write a bit about my experience.

*It's complicated*

I have a love/hate relationship with my family... because my father and my eldest brother were my sexual perpetrators - in the beginning - and later on, as I grew up to be the young woman that I was (and still am to a certain degree), I discovered that my mother was complicit throughout the whole process - it was "tit for tat" like mental game that pervaded in my family life.

It's complicated because ... on one hand my abusers violated me; and on the other hand my abusers taught me everthing that I know - it's strange/wierd to me that, even after much therapy over the past years, persons capable of committing such treacherous behaviors against another human being, could be loved at all.

I loved my father. I was daddy's girl. I looked up to my eldest brother too - but that all ended when sets of abuse were exacted against me - repeatedly - randomly - no holds barred "war" and I never knew when the next assault would happen.

My father was a service man - his whole family served in the military. He served in the Navy - while some of his brothers and sisters served in other branches of service. My father's twin brother took his life (he and his wife were childless by choice) - and in what I think is the flip side of his twin brothers' situation, my father was always trying to take my life from me. Repeatedly. Over and over again. He even socialized and taught my brother the finer art of doing it because if he didn't - I'm pretty sure my eldest brother might not be around. He is, but he has own hell to live in.

Anyway, the reason that drew me to write about it tonight was because I was just watching a video clip and something occurred to me (because the man in the clip lived through catastrophic war scenarios during WW2) about how he was being memorialized for not giving up.

My father was rigid man. Our household family dynamics are classified as "Protective" - that's a specialized term in Human Communication processes. We didn't have open communication- it wasn't allowed. But somehow, the potent mixture/combination of dynamics in our family served me well because I never just took it. I always fought with my abusers. I know that (in my case) my will to not be treated like that, saved my life.

I know that my experience is not unique at all.... I used to attend a private group and most of us who attended in this group all shared similar stories.

I know that what saved my life was my sheer will to not give up and to fight back and simultaneously walk away.... sometimes, I ran for hours on adrenaline surges, just to get away.

Anyway, thanks for letting me share a bit tonight.
~ALK
I know my post was posted years ago, but what happened to me in my growing up years has always played a big role in my pursuit of not letting past sexual abuse rule my life.

It's not like I can ever forget. It's also important for me too, to remember that what happened to me has been an integral part in how I process hurts in my life.

While letting go of the pain it has caused me, I also mindfully remember that I am strong and that I chose to care about me, at any very early age in life.

Being my own protector and believing in my own self worth, and trusting myself, has been an important years long effort in my own personal recovery.
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Old 03-29-2018, 07:50 AM   #37
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Bump

I’m about to spend time with my family, and thankfully I won’t see my assailant, but seeing my family always comes with its problems.

A slightly older female relative began molesting me when I was about three. Then when I was eight, a friend spent the night and touched me inappropriately. I don’t fault these girls because I believe they were molested as well.

I told when I was ten and got into therapy, although I struggled with PTSD, depression, and suicide ideation most of my life until my twenties.

When I was twenty, a guy raped me and none of my relationships have been... healthy. It’s the main reason I don’t date. I need someone so patient, and while I think that person is out there, I’m in no rush.

I’ve been in and out of therapy since I was ten, consistently for the past seven years. I’ve primarily done CBT and hypnotherapy. I still struggle with things— I have pretty bad anxiety, especially around people I don’t know— but at the same time many people have described me as badass, terrifying, etc. Sometimes this is a defense mechanism, other times it’s because I’ve had a childhood equatable to Dorothy Allison and what am I going to do? Sit around and cry about it? No.

My heart is definitely for kids who have had traumatic childhoods, who are lost in a system not geared toward them. Many teachers, myself included, are not equipped to handle these kids, but I have some things up my sleeves.

Thanks for this thread!!
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Old 03-29-2018, 02:08 PM   #38
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i’ve avoided this thread, but i’ve been reading it today.

BIG hugs and kudos who have spoken out.

Not speaking out feels guilt and shame, and speaking out makes it feel too raw.

Thanks you for sharing your stories
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Old 10-25-2019, 01:31 AM   #39
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I did not have this happen to me but 2 females very close to me have suffered severe sexual abuse.

IF anyone is willing to help me to understand them, please let me know,it's killing our relationships because I don't understand or they won't truly talk about it with me to help me understand.

TIA
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Old 10-25-2019, 11:30 AM   #40
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JDeere View Post
I did not have this happen to me but 2 females very close to me have suffered severe sexual abuse.

IF anyone is willing to help me to understand them, please let me know,it's killing our relationships because I don't understand or they won't truly talk about it with me to help me understand.

TIA
Here's a list of organizations that may help. Check in your community for organizations or groups for loved ones of the abused.

First and foremost, don't push. You push them, they will either push back or withdraw and then you're back behind the starting point and they feel betrayed. Learn to accept their truth as it is and don't try to 'fix' anything. Someone that listens and tries to understand without judgment is the best thing for someone hurting. It's not about you, how you feel or how it affects your relationship with them. It's about them and how you and your relationship affect them. It takes a very special person to be able to stand with someone coping with abuse because it can feel very unbalanced. You have to be okay with that until they are ready to address their issues and move forward. The old adage 'you can lead a horse to water, but can't make him drink' is very true. They have to be ready to walk through their pain and it's good when they have someone that can support them as they do it, but not put undo pressure on them to go faster than they are comfortable with or pressure to conform to their partner's vision of what the relationship should be or pressure to dive deeper into the ocean of pain than what they are ready for. It's a hard place to be. Good luck.
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