What Cracked You Up Today?

[Blade]

This actually happenened a few weeks ago, I'm just getting around to writing about it. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.

My Dad has one Aunt still living. She is about 85 yrs old. A few days after his heart surgery he told Mom to call Aunt Gladys and tell her he was fine and doing well. Bear in mind that we have always been a close family. Aunt Gladys raised her grandson, he is my age and we did everything together growing up. Here is how the conversation went.

Mom....Hi Aunt Gladys this is Candy
Aunt Gladys....whoooo
Mom.... Candy
Aunt Gladys.........whoooo
Mom...this is Candy....Johnny's wife
Aunt Gladys....OH! Well honey, I don't reckon we ever know'd ya name we just always called you "Johnny's wife"

OMG I thought Mom would die, laughing so hard when she got off the phone she couldn't tell me what was said.

Now what makes this even funnier is, a few weeks before the surgery Dad went to see Aunt Gladys and she told him to tell Mom they needed to move back down there so she would have someone to do stuff with. She and Mom could take trips together and do things together. Dad said Aunt Gladys you have people that you do things with. She said no, no I don't all my friends and sister in laws I did stuff with has done and died out on me. So two weeks earlier she knew who Mom was.

LOL I told Mom it sounds like a trend.........she is not allowed to hang out with Aunt Gladys...I'd like to keep them both around for a bit longer.

[easygoingfemme]

Driving behind a woman tonight who was probably 85 years old.
Her license plate frame read: Honk if you're horny
I didn't honk, but oh did I want to!

[Bèsame*]

I cracked up over

The rooster and little mouse story...lol

[Rook]

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

[Rook]

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

[Rook]

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

[Tcountry]

Me: want me to call u when I land in 80 degree weather?
Lab tech: U want me to reach thru the phone & smack ya?
Lab Mgr: I'd like to see that...

[Blade]

After I filled my truck up with gas today I drove behind the store to get out of the parking lot. There is a tree line behind the store. As I rounded the corner of the building, I looked up and a squirrel was jumping to a limb. Well the limb wasn't attached to the tree. When he caught the limb, he and the limb went tumbling to the ground. He jumped up apparently unharmed and ran off.

I've never seen a squirrel make a mislick like that and fall all the way to the ground. He was like WTF I think he was embarrassed

[lusciouskiwi]

Irish Sugar Test

One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy shop, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small bottle and a teaspoon. He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist.

"Could you taste this for me, please?"

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

"Does that taste sweet to you?" says Paddy.

"No, not at all," says the chemist.

"Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here to get my urine tested for sugar."

[Rook]

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed to stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(A narcoleptic musté sued)


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(Makes a Shoplifter very Motivated , right?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap,"
(Must we ask...?)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(It's only a suggestion, after all.).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(Fuck !!!! Oops)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(Ow...Fuggin' ThunuvaBith!!!)

On packaging for a Rowena iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(They need to youtube their test dummies)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(Because we see plenty of 5 year olds handling Tractors and School bus, Amish kids don't count !!!)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(Are you fucking kidding me? You mean.....this really works on Insomnia???)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(Umm, What...?)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
(-=speechless=-)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly JetBlu next time.)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Somebody must've been very...Very depressed...)

Now that you've smiled at least once,Goodnight.

[little_ms_sunshyne]

Man married to doll...Friend would like to marry said doll. Cheered me up!

[GraffitiBoi]

I got to work today to find that the manager hooked up a Nintendo system to one of our huge security monitors since it's so dead at the hotel this week! LMAO We're getting paid to play video games!

[Blade]

Mom did....as we were walking into Belks which was the second store in our "will you go to Penney's with me, that is the only place I want to go" adventure

Mom...I sure do feel sorry for you

Me...Huh? Why?

Mom...One day in the not to distant future, you'll be pushing me around in a wheelchair to do this Christmas shopping. You sure will be tired at the end of the day.

Me...chuckling...ummm naa I don't think so...I'll be teaching you to shop online and I'll be pushing your wheelchair up to the table, where you can reach your computer.

[dixie]

Simply because my laugh can sometimes be pretty obnoxious and goofy sounding too...LOL

[jac]

It happened yesterday but I'm still laughin'

Staff meeting. Discussing the kids and their needs and issues...
staff:well, he's offended by the remark because he's a virgin still
director: a what? isn't he supposed to be bi?
staff: yes he is bi and he is a virgin too
director: then how does he know he's bi?
staff: same way you know you're hetero
director: but.....
staff: when you were a virgin didn't you just know who you were attracted to?
director: well, yeh i guess i did lol
staff: well he knows too and he has no limits
director: well, that's just greedy!
ex director (director's wife): oh dear...
all staff: ahahahaaaaaaaaaaa

I really do love that place

[Blade]

That little Christmas Elf keeps me laughing when I'm around her. Today as she was sifting threw her birthday gifts, occasionally she would come across a card. Her Mom would read the card to her, open it and read the inside of the card, and close the card. When she would close the card the Christmas Elf would say "The End"...OMG that wee little voice the end. Precious.

[WintergreenGem]

Reading one of Tommi's old posts cracked me up today!

[Guy]

We were cracking up watching the Sea World Penguin Cam tonight, and this one penguin kept running back and forth as fast as his short little legs would let him, sooo funnnyy

[Tcountry]

...thinking & talking to others(mom included) about things I could do this year to piss off the sister-in-law at Christmas ..lol

[Blade]

As the sermon began this morning and the sanctuary got quiet. There was a person...seemingly a man,(from the sound of the it) snoring. I looked in the direction of the sound and noticed others around me looking that direction too. I think with all the activity here, getting up and down to sing and pray how could anyone fall asleep. Well he did a big ole snore again.

Now my friend that invited me and I use to date several years ago. We always have a large time together. She could make Mona Lisa laugh. I knew if she turned and looked at me when he snored again we would both have to leave church from busting out laughing. Cuz I'm telling you it was loud. So when church was over I thanked her for not turning and looking at me while that man was snoring, cuz I knew we'd crack up. She said what man snoring. I said you didn't hear that man on the other side of you snoring so loud. Thank God we were outside by this time cuz she said, that wasn't a man that was Leonard I said Leonard? She said yeah Leonard our music directors dog. Didn't you see him nudge Leonard to wake him up? See I told you it was an all welcoming church.