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Old 08-21-2011, 06:41 AM   #21
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My mom and I have never, ever gotten along. We're like oil and water (or is that vinegar???) I've never been good enough for her. She always wanted me to become a doctor, lawyer or some sort of profession like that. When I came out she wasn't accepting at all.....she was (and still is) furious and is upset that I gave her no grandchildren. My mom acts one way towards me when others are around but acts a totally different way when its just me and her or me, her and my immediate family
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Old 08-21-2011, 07:57 AM   #22
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Default My mom

This is a very heavy subject for me.

My mom was a foster child because my Grandmother was thrown out of her own family for getting pregnant and my GM had to work as a domestic to survive. The foster family was abusive and she was the scapegoat for the other 5 kids, as she was the oldest.

It damaged my mother and she was unable to be a loving, caring or nurturing person to her only daughter. She then met & married my dad, also from a cold, withholding family of origin.

I believed at an unconscious level, she identified with me and in collusion with my dad, made me the family scapegoat. My younger brothers escaped their wrath.

I used to pray as a child that something would happen to them and I would become an orphan and adopted by a mother like some of my friends had *nurturing*loving*.

Fast forward to the day I told my mom I was in love with my best friend, a wonderful person my mom really liked and that I was gay. She would not speak with me for 15 years. I wad uninvited from my brothers wedding, my brothers would not speak me & the scapegoat was out of the family dynamics.

As we all aged, my mother became sick, had surgeries and as usually happens- I am the only child near them. I help them because there is no one else. I accept that it is what it is. Things that they say still can sting though I have developed a much thicker, protective hide with them.
We were at a family and friends dinner the other day and my dad proceeded to tell the guests all about the "big vacation" when he took the "whole family, wives and grandkids to Hawaii a couple of years ago".

Neither of them noticed I was not included in the big trip (nor did I know it even happened!).

This thread asked about mom but my mother is totally intertwined with my dad. They are one person to me.

When my mom decided to speak with me again, the door was totally shut on my private life. She/they do not ask and do not want to know. I discuss the weather, groceries, etc. I just pretend with them, they pretend with me.
They are old now and I do not expect anything to change at this stage of the game.
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"...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable."

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Old 08-21-2011, 08:10 AM   #23
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Default Apologize

I just noticed this was the butch zone. I am sorry, all I saw was "mom". I hope it was OK I invaded the space.
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"...I'm deeply concerned by recently adopted policies which punish children for their parents’ actions ... The thought that any State would seek to deter parents by inflicting such abuse on children is unconscionable."

UN Human Rights commissioner
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:20 AM   #24
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I am very close to my mother, especially for the last 20 years. We had MAJOR issues when I first came out and we did not talk for approximately a year. My family was faced with almost losing her in a car accident and it hit me the hardest. When something like this happens it changes our perspective on EVERYTHING. We repaired everything within a few months after the unthinkable and now we are closer than ever. She is truly an amazing woman! She is my hero and I am blessed to have a second chance with her!
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:56 AM   #25
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My mom and I were pretty close. When I came out at age 16, things didn't go so smoothly. Coming out at 16, in Mississippi, in the perfect upper middle class, Republican, 3 child family was not easy. Things were pretty bumpy until I turned 18 and moved out (thinking I had the world by the tail, only to learn later that IT had ME). But she never turned her back on me; no one in my family did.

Within only a few years time, my mother came to accept me for who I am. After a while, it got to the point such that when I was living away from her, she would keep me caught up on the gay gossip in the little town in Mississippi I grew up in, lol. Years later, when I was getting ready to head to D.C. to march with the uniformed military contingent at the March on Washington in 1993, she was actually telling her friends about it, and again for the Millenium March on Washington.

We still had our rough moments over the years, but when she passed in 2007, I lost my greatest ally, advocate and supporter. She was always there no matter what. I miss her still. She was a great lady.

Glynn
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Old 08-21-2011, 09:58 AM   #26
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My Mom is my everything I don't need to say much more. She is my Rock and my families Rock!

I can only hope to one day I find a partner just as amazing as her!
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Old 08-21-2011, 10:01 AM   #27
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My mother is the most amazing woman I know! She is everything I have ever wanted to be. Kind,caring,loving,compassionate and throughout life and the process of building a family she has maintained her own sense of self.

If I can somehow manage to be even half of who my mother is then I will be one amazing individual
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Old 08-21-2011, 10:27 AM   #28
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Well I have 3 so let me explain...

My biological mom Debbi U. and I were close up until I was taken away at the age of 2 to be put in foster care. From then on up until 6 I was in and out of foster homes. Which brings me to "mom" number two.

Her name was Darlene (which is my middle name). She had foster kids and kids of her own. Her and her husband loved kids and had taken a liking to my brother and I. She wanted to adopt my brother and I and was in the process and as fate would have it got breast cancer and wasnt expected to live 6 months. She knew of a couple who turned out to be my adopted parents who were wanting a boy. They were friends of friends. They had taken some child classes from her she had taught. They adopted us, and that will bring me to my adopted mom.

I have never met a more cold and hateful woman in all of my life. Debbie D. certainly had no reason being a mother. Every thing a mother should be nurturing, affecionate, tender, loving, etc she was not with me. She was with my brother but not me. It has taken me years of counseling to get over hating her. Now, I just feel sorry for the human she is. We were never close growing up and now dont talk at all. Its how it should be.

However, I am glad I was able to renew a relationship with my biological mom before she passed. And now my relationship with Darlene is blooming. She and I have recently had a conversation where she sat at supper crying because she never wanted to give my brother and I away. She wanted to adopt us and apologized for putting me with my adopted family. It broke my heart. To see her so torn up after all these years about it. This woman who even after all these years has a closet full of photo albums of just pics of me and my brother growing up. I of course explained to her that things happen for a reason we always dont know what it is. But things happened as they were supposed to.. Now matter how screwed up it is.

She considers me her daughter, knows I am gay, and we hang out from time to time. I guess you could say she is the closest thing to family I have. And I am truly grateful for her.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:35 PM   #29
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[COLOR="Blue"]My mom...I loved her..always...despite the fact she gave me away at age 8 for adoption, then wanted me back at age 13, as "more dependents for my Navy stepdad meant "more money"..so I spent 5 years, being raised like a military recruit. Subjected to verbal abuse, and physical..the "steel toe in the ass" kind, made to "fall out of the rack" at o dark thirty am for inspection" and many other forms of "discipline" for her "three bastards" ....and she stood silently by..saying well he DID take me and my 3 bastards and give us a place...excuse me, I am NOT a bastard, you were married to my daddy when I was born...that does NOT constitute a "bastard".
Anyway, once she found out I was gay, I was the outcast from the family! That was okay because I had friends and close folks who were ACTUALLY family! AND I was always loved..by someone...somewhere...
When she was diagnosed with Terminal Stage IV Bone/lung cancer, my two brothers said well YOU aqre the girl it is YOUR place to care for her. SO I was coming out of a bad relationship, so I sold my half of the home, sold my motorcycle, sold my motor home..and went "home" to care for her the last 3 months of her life...BY MYSELF! and I would do so again..I loved her..for to me, blood family love never dies... and just before she died, she said is there any way at all you would be "straight, sister? I said no ma'am, NOT an option. I was BORN this way, and I will DIE this way! I was holding her in my arms when she died, and I though wow..I came into this world in hers, and she left this world in mine...how ironic!
There is much more I could add...but it is not relevant..I loved her..unconditionally..she didn't me..plain and simple ..and I have moved on...it serves no one any good to hold a grudge, or to live in the past. I am a much stronger individual..I am capable of loving..in spite of..and I WANT to be this way! My life now is much different, I am even more stronger, and I have "let go...for to keep fighting an old issue gives it power, and if I give it power, it will last forever!!...This is for MYSELF alone...and works for ME alone...
Thanks for the "space" to write this...Clay{COLOR]
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Old 12-31-2011, 12:00 AM   #30
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I have been taking my Mom to Indiana for a few years now..We have family that live there and it is her little vacation away from my mean and nasty Dad..It is a 4 hour drive one way..I guess it was getting the best of me on telling her that i was gay..I decided to tell her in the car on the way home..Figured she couldnt get up and walk away from the conversation..I was so nervous and had my stomach in knots..We were getting close to Ohio and i said to myself that i would tell her when we crossed into Ohio..There we were crossing the line..Got real nervous and probly went another 50 miles before i told her that i had something to tell her..She said ok..So i finally took a big deep breath and i just said Mom i am gay..I looked straight ahead at the road and waited for her reply trying to prepare for her answer..I know what ever she said i had to remember that i was driving and i needed to consentrate on that first..Waiting for her answer and of all the things that could have been said all she was Yeah i know..Felt a little relief after hearing that..I asked her why she didnt say something to me earlier and she said she was waiting for me to say something first..Of course i asked if anyone has said anything about me in the family..She said she hasnt heard anything..This is the way i have always been so we all grew up with it..Iwas glad to hear that..She said some friends have talked to her about my lifestyle..I asked her what she said to them and her reply was she is my kid and i love her and she does..She tells me that she loves me all the time..She does support me and has accepted my girlfriends in the past..My sister and brother does to..They are welcomed in their homes with me..At times i feel a little bit uncomfortable but i deal with it..
I feel bad for the rest of you in here that has had trouble in the past..You should meet my mom..She would give you all a hug and you would feel loved by her even if she doesnt know you..

s..
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Old 01-25-2012, 09:51 PM   #31
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My mom is the one person in my life who never abandoned, abuse or took advantage of me. I love her with all my heart and there is nothing I wouldn't do for her. She is there for me through thick and thin. I can never repay her for all she has done..all I can do is be there for her.
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Old 03-17-2012, 10:23 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by *Anya* View Post
This is a very heavy subject for me.

My mom was a foster child because my Grandmother was thrown out of her own family for getting pregnant and my GM had to work as a domestic to survive. The foster family was abusive and she was the scapegoat for the other 5 kids, as she was the oldest.

It damaged my mother and she was unable to be a loving, caring or nurturing person to her only daughter. She then met & married my dad, also from a cold, withholding family of origin.

I believed at an unconscious level, she identified with me and in collusion with my dad, made me the family scapegoat. My younger brothers escaped their wrath.

I used to pray as a child that something would happen to them and I would become an orphan and adopted by a mother like some of my friends had *nurturing*loving*.

Fast forward to the day I told my mom I was in love with my best friend, a wonderful person my mom really liked and that I was gay. She would not speak with me for 15 years. I wad uninvited from my brothers wedding, my brothers would not speak me & the scapegoat was out of the family dynamics.

As we all aged, my mother became sick, had surgeries and as usually happens- I am the only child near them. I help them because there is no one else. I accept that it is what it is. Things that they say still can sting though I have developed a much thicker, protective hide with them.
We were at a family and friends dinner the other day and my dad proceeded to tell the guests all about the "big vacation" when he took the "whole family, wives and grandkids to Hawaii a couple of years ago".

Neither of them noticed I was not included in the big trip (nor did I know it even happened!).

This thread asked about mom but my mother is totally intertwined with my dad. They are one person to me.

When my mom decided to speak with me again, the door was totally shut on my private life. She/they do not ask and do not want to know. I discuss the weather, groceries, etc. I just pretend with them, they pretend with me.
They are old now and I do not expect anything to change at this stage of the game.
Anya, your parents sound destructive and cruel.

It sounds though, as if you love them. Children love their parents strongly, even if they are horribly abused. I think there's a biological advantage to clinging to our parents; that we're hard-wired that way.

But instinct and reason are conflicted when the parents are so hurtful, that the child is more likely to survive, without them. So, I'm guessing that you get something back from your family, something that reassures you on a deep level that isn't conscious.

I hope that is the case, that you at least get that. You sound so together, I doubt you would do something self-destructive, like be with them if it endangered your quality of life.

What's amazing is how objective and clear-headed you are about the whole thing. I'm really struck with how compassionate you are about your parents' families of origin, and how their own childhoods impacted on their development as the parents they would one day become, themselves. It's truly, deeply impressive how you see the whole picture, including your place in it.
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Old 03-17-2012, 11:00 AM   #33
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When I talk to my mom it's like having a short conversation with a neighbor you only see when you need to borrow a cup of sugar. It wasn't this way until she divorced my dad with whom I have a great relationship with now. It's all been a very strange ride since the divorce and I stepped off at the last stop.
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Old 04-30-2012, 10:00 PM   #34
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Default Your relationship with your Mom

My Mom was the first woman I loved. I adore my Mom. I have to say I am blessed to have such a great Mom.
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Old 04-30-2012, 11:55 PM   #35
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My Mom was a wonderful woman in so many ways -- brilliant yet never arrogant; strong and also quite feminine; courageous and gentle; secure in her own beliefs while respectful of others; steady as a rock but game to try things out of her comfort zone; genuine, loving, kind -- absolutely beautiful both inside and out. I will always miss her physical presence, even so, she is still "with" me in one way or another every day and especially in Springtime. I feel so fortunate that she was my Mother for it's because of her I know how it feels to be loved, accepted and appreciated for exactly who I am.

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Old 05-01-2012, 01:10 AM   #36
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Default My mom Virginia

The relationship I had with my mother was loving,we were close.
She accepted me my whole life as i matured and changed... she accepted me always.

As she accepted my lil sis who is gay [tweener].and also our partners.

We took care of mom these past 4 years upon her diagnosis of dementia,which strengthen a relationship that was already strong.

Her humor,kindness and love I miss so much... she passed july 2011.

My sister and I were very fortunate to have such an accepting loving lady as our mom.
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:45 AM   #37
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I have a great relationship with my mom. She didnt always make the best choices in our lives when we were little.. and emotionally withdrew quite often (all from her own issues). But she has come along way with all the talks we have had over the yrs. I used to wonder why all my friends wanted my life and my mom *shrugs* guess I didnt show just what was up in our "home".. but I have to give her credit,back then she remembered what it was like not having the best clothes or the like so she would make sure we had the latest threads,(course then we had to move coz no money to pay bills) or maybe it was from something else.. but thats another story not about mom.

as far as my being butch.. its taken awhile. She used to be so unbending on her views when I first was coming out at 19. been alot of back and forth with us over this,it was just recently after I moved her in with me over the last 4 yrs that she has accepted how I feel about who I am. She must have been doing research on it cuz a yr or so ago she asked me who was the top and bottom I about fell out She still has a hard time refering to me as a boi but hey I know she accepts who I am. I also know she loves me and has the heart to love my partner. One thing I can say is she has always loved mine and my siblings partners,or spouses like her own kids. She does love poeple.
And she cracks me up with her new questions all the time now SMH I guess the internet is good
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:38 AM   #38
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oh boy.. it just gets more interesting all the time... chuckles... will be back to this when I have some time to really think about it.
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:18 AM   #39
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wow hadnt seen this thread in a while....
i have to tell ......
like cuddly ...... my mom n I are like oil and water too.
and as well..... anything i have done with my life , jobs , friends, whom i dated.. was not good enough.
she likes my art and is proud of that... but feels i need to have a working hard job to have a full filling work thing not a sit down job relaxing.
and im serious these are her words and ideas of things.
the men are above me...... she will cater to them as like my brothers.
she will be there me sometimes...
nothing i do is right , she dogs me about my wieght , how i sit, walk, you name it. my life style. there is no pleasing her.
i dont know why ..... I put up with her . there are times even lately i will go shopping with her, and she will be ok for a while and sometimes she will start her bashing stuff .. and i have sat there in quiet tears. i dont know why i put myself thru that..
it makes me want to just stop the car and get out.
and maybe i should...... that will give her something to think about im sure. ha..but then im sure she will say im being rediculous.
she is 77 and very active , still drives and such.. complains about some aches and pains is about it.
maybe i am the way i am ... and lack confidence in myself.
and never amounted to much.....took 5 yrs of graphic design and well now i i drive a truck.
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life is to short to wake up in the morning with regrets
so love the people who treat you right,
forget about the ones who dont,
and believe that everything happens for a reason.
If you get a chance take it... if it changes your life let it.
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Old 05-01-2012, 09:32 AM   #40
macele
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Default

my momma deserves anything and everything i can give her. when i was a child, i had a great fear of losing her to death. i absolutely didn't see how i could live without her. i'm 45 now and she is 87. i still don't see how i can live without her.

she's doing very well for her age. a strong will. everything she loves, she loves it with a passionate strength. her memory comes and goes, and when i look into her eyes and i don't see that passion, my heart breaks.

i grew up with menopause LOL, ... let me tell you, ... that was a whole lot of "what did i do!" but the memories are for keeps. i grew up with nieces and a nephew. two are a couple years older than me. she gave us homemade biscuits and homemade chocolate syrup. the piano. a swing from the left side of the batter's box. laughter and love. her influence gave us a place to draw strength from.

she grew up poor with an abusive father. but she never let that define her. she chose to be kind and gentle, loving. the stories she has told, ... make me wonder how she could not be cold and damaged. i guess to some degree she is, but i've never felt it.

she doesn't accept homosexuality as "right". but i'm ok with that. that's her belief. she is entitled to that. i don't want anyone to change what they believe. and i don't want anyone to try and change what i feel. we go round and round about a lot of different things lol. my view is to always be open minded. hers is to be landmark missionary baptist. the two views love one another.

she's not perfect. not even close. but i wouldn't know what gambaru means today without her. she let me be a tomboy, ... not once did she say no, you can't do that. she said, you can be anything you set your mind to. she's 87 and when she senses that i don't feel well or something is bothering me, ... the mother in her stands up. she still puts me first. that's what a momma does.
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