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Old 04-06-2011, 01:47 PM   #61
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A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.
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Old 04-08-2011, 01:33 AM   #62
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If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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Old 04-08-2011, 11:56 AM   #63
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Default

One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .
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Old 04-10-2011, 02:15 PM   #64
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~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set'
as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea
and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a
cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' Mom waited, and
sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy;
and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"


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Old 04-15-2011, 12:02 PM   #65
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My girlfriends got a stalker, well she does'nt know she's my girlfriend yet.
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Old 04-15-2011, 12:13 PM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guy View Post
A husband and wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were discussing how they should celebrate their big evening when the wife decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. The husband liked the idea and suggested having dinner the same way as their wedding night, eating at the dinner table naked and his wife agreed.

Later that night at the table the wife said, Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago.

The husband replied, That’s because they’re sitting in your soup.
I sent this joke to my wonderfully funny Husbutch, Hys reply:

i guess that would be ok cuz the napkin wouldnt be the only thing laying limp on his lap

Got to love a good laugh!
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Old 04-15-2011, 05:45 PM   #67
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Talking Not making fun of dyslexia here!

Two dyslexics walk into a bank and yell, "air in the hands mother stickers, this is a fuck up!"
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Last edited by Starbuck; 04-15-2011 at 05:46 PM. Reason: Needed editing
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Old 04-16-2011, 06:49 AM   #68
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Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says ” how do you know”? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!
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Old 04-16-2011, 07:26 AM   #69
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Default Special

Question to a friend.
If a girl texts you a lot, and jokes around with you and teases you, does it mean she likes you?
There's a girl I like, and she texts me once every day, or once every other day. She's always joking around, and when we hang out, she flirts a LOT. But she acts like that around everyone, not just me. Do you think there's a chance she likes me?
Answer
Maybe Dude!
Question
And she never sends mass texts to me, because my phone tells me when people do, so I feel kinda special . She just sent me her picture. WoW.

Answer
Hey Dude , I just got this picture ....uh oh
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Old 04-17-2011, 09:01 AM   #70
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Default Rapunzel

Sometimes I just make myself laugh at my own jokes.I just made this one up.
The fairest femme in all the land was Rapunzel or so it goes..She was sought after by many chivilrous butches via telephone and email, but her homophobe family always kept her locked in their castle, and the neighbors only saw her pretty face from afar. Finially,One day, a courageous butch made it to Rapunzel's place and yelled, "Rapunzel Hey Yo! Look at me, I'm just your type!" Then, THUD! Suddenly, in a flash, our hero was squashed and could'nt breathe or move! Then Rapunzel screamed, "OH SHYT! I was so excited, I lost my balance, and and my tits went down instead of my hair ! Somehow, our prince survived the tit-fall, she let down her drawbridge, and they live happily ever after.
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Old 04-18-2011, 09:38 AM   #71
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I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
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Old 04-18-2011, 09:40 AM   #72
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janstevie View Post
I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.
OMG...i needed that.

Good one. LOL
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:48 PM   #73
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I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:52 PM   #74
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BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHHHH

Quote:
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I went to buy some camouflage cargo shorts the other day but I couldn't find any
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Old 04-19-2011, 08:05 PM   #75
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Old 04-19-2011, 08:25 PM   #76
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guy View Post
One day in the cafeteria line Joe says to Mike " My elbow hurts like crazy . Guess I better go see a doctor "

" Listen you don't have to spend that kind of money " Mike says.

"There 's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell whats wrong and what to do about it . It takes 10 seconds and costs $10 and is a lot cheaper "

So Joe goes to Costco puts in $10 and his urine sample . Ten seconds later it ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow, soak your arm in warm water avoid heavy activity..It will improve in two weeks . thank you for shopping at Costco.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe thought he could fool the computer .

He mixes some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,urine sample from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

Joe goes back to Costco , puts in the $10 , pours in his concoction and waits for the results .

The computer prints the following:

1.Your tapwater is too hard . Get a water softener (aisle9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Asile 7)
3.Your daughter has a cocaine habit . Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant .Twins .Not yours..Get a lawyer .
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself ,your elbow will never get any better .


Thank you for shopping at Costco .

Ohhh!....This is such a good one that I am going to have to pass it on....Rofl...
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Old 04-19-2011, 08:59 PM   #77
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Default Stepping Stones

There are 3 guys in a boat. One guy says "Hey, I bet I can get out and walk across the water".
The two other guys are like "yeah right!" So the guy gets out and walks across the water to land.
The second guy turns and says to the third "Well I bet I can do that too!"
The third guy goes "Yeah right. Ain't no way in hell."
So the second guy gets up and walks across the water to land.
Now the third guy is baffled. He yells "Hey, how did y'all do that?"
"Just get out and walk!" say the the two on land.
So the guy gets up, steps overboard, and sinks right to the bottom.
The two guys on land look at each other and one says "Hey, think we should have told him where the stepping stones were?"
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Old 04-20-2011, 03:19 PM   #78
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Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.

Oh My, that sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.

Is it common?

It's not unusual
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:54 AM   #79
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I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.
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Old 04-29-2011, 11:02 AM   #80
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Default

Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, Is that you, little Joey Pagano?

Yes, Father, it is.

And who was the girl you were with?
I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.
Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
I cannot say, says Joey
Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?
I'll never tell
Was it Nina Capelli?
I'm sorry, but I cannot name her Father
Was it Cathy Piriano?
My lips are sealed.
Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?
Please, Father, I cannot tell you.

The priest sighs in frustration. You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, What'd you get?

I got four months vacation and five good leads!
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