Jokes and things that made you laugh.

[Janstevie]

The Mistress


A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Lexus's in the garage not to mention the yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies

[Rook]

Beverly Hills Cop:

Inspector Douglas Todd: You mind telling me where the fuck you come off going undercover without authorization from me? What the fuck is this all about? You wanna play some fucking bullshit cowboy cop? Go do it in somebody else's precinct!
Axel Foley: Don't you wanna hear my side of the story?
Inspector Douglas Todd: What's your fucking side of the story?
Axel Foley: Let's hear your side of the story.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Axel, I'm not takin' anymore of this shit from you. You know how much this little stunt of yours is gonna cost this city?
Axel Foley: I don't think cost is the issue here, sir. I think the issue should be my blatant disregard for proper procedure.
Inspector Douglas Todd: You damn right, wise ass! The mayor called the Chief, the Chief called the Deputy Chief, the Deputy Chief just chewed my ass out! You see I don't have any bit of it left, don't you? Where in the fuck did you get a truckload of cigarettes from anyway?
Axel Foley: From the Dearborn Hijacking.
Inspector Douglas Todd: From the Dearborn Hijacking? That fucking bust went down last week! That truck is supposed to be in the damn pound!
Inspector Douglas Todd: Listen Axel, no more of these set ups, you understand? You're a good cop, and you got great potential, but you don't know every fucking thing. And I'm tired of taking the heat for your ass. One more time and you're out on the street. Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Look, Boss, let me tell...
Inspector Douglas Todd: [emphatically] Do you understand me?
Axel Foley: Yeah, I understand.... Boss....? The Chief ain't chew it all out. You still got a little ass there.
Inspector Douglas Todd: Don't fuck with me Axel ! Not now ! Go on. Go home.

Dutch:

Dutch: Excuse me, I understand what you were saying to Natalie was personal. Well, I'm involved with her now so this is personal too; you hurt her and I'll hit you so fucking hard your dog will bleed, okay?
-------------------
Doyle: We have a very big problem here.
Dutch: I suppose we do. I have a problem because I told your mother I'd pick you up. And you have a problem because the last guy that punched me has a dent in his forehead the size of my pinky ring...and he dribbles when he smiles.
----------
Doyle: I don't hate my mother. For the record!
Dutch: Kiss my ass for the record!
----------
Dutch: [Doyle & Dutch are in a restaurant and Doyle claims he can kick Dutch's butt] Well, I won't cop to that, but I will say this. There's one thing I can do that you can't...
Doyle: [smug grin] Oh yeah? What?
Dutch: ...I can pay for my breakfast.

Soul Men:

[Janstevie]

Two men were out playing golf when a funeral procession went past. One of the men took off his cap and bowed his head until the cortege passed. The other man said, "That was a decent gesture." The man replied, "It was the least I could do. She was a damned good wife to me."

[Guy]

A horse walks into a bar.
Bartender asks, why the long face?

[rlin]

this string walks into a bar... hes all tangled up in the middle and his ends are just wakked outta shape...
he pulls up a stool and orders a beer...
bartender says "sorry guy... but we dont serve string in here..."
string says"... but... im not a string!"
bartender gives him the once over and asks "oh... youre not a string eh??"
string says... "nope... im a frayed knot!!"

[Janstevie]

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And
patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll
beat him to death.

[Janstevie]

GOLFER AT THE DENTIST

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry.
I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf,
so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb.
I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...
I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man
asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show him..

[Janstevie]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....


‘ Ok Ok Ok I'll do the f****** dishes’!!!

[Starbuck]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room. Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

Daisy asked, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said as she pulled a box from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[Janstevie]

http://www.orschlurch.de/2011/01/19/...nd-und-band-2/


This is brilliant.. MUST HAVE SOUND ON

[rlin]

‎"A unionized employee, a Tea Party member & a corporate CEO are sitting at a table. In the middle is a plate with a dozen cookies on it. The CEO reaches out & takes 11 of the cookies, then says to the Tea Party member "look out for that union guy, he wants a piece of your cookie."

[WolfyOne]

I saw this on my FB wall and thought I'd share here

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"Well,he said,"we fill up a bath, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup & a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub, "Oh, I understand," I said."A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger."No" he said.A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?

[Jesse]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo shit. It tells me someone stole the tent'.

[Janstevie]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.


His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,


'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

[Tcountry]

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'



You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[Tcountry]

You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one...

Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the
meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's
roommate, Jennifer, was.

Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian
and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than
met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must
be thinking, but I assure you! Jennifer and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, "Ever since your
mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver
gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be
sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mom:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm
not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact
remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love, Brian"

Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that
read:

"Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Jennifer,! I'm not saying that
you "do not" sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if
Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy
ladle by now.
Love, Mom"

LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER!!

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

Hercules is my baby boy and he is just like a child. The things he does some times is enough to shake my head and ask who is the boss here?.

Yesterday I locked him out of my room to go online for a while and when I open the door Oh BOY, He was laying on the couch with a guilty look on his face and the paper towels were every where in big and little pieces I mean every where. I just stood there and all I could say to myself was. " I guess he showed me not to do that again" I told him he was a Bad Boy !! But I could see that was his way of showing me how piss he was for me putting him out of the room. Seriously I will not do that again.. Now who is the boss?? LOL

[Sweet_Amor_Taino]

My hercules is my baby boy and he is just like a child. The things he does some times is enough to shake your head and ask who is the boss here?.

Yesterday I locked him out of my room to go online for a while and when I open the door Oh BOY, He was laying on the couch with a guilty look on his face and the paper towels were every where in big and little pieces I mean every where. I just stood there and all I could say to myself was. " I guess he showed me not to do that again" I told him he was a Bad Boy !! but I could see he was showing me how piss he was for me putting him out of the room. Seriously I will not do that again.. Now who is the boss?? LOL

[Tcountry]

So sorry...it came from a relative and I didn't pick through them...thanks for deleting!

[Guy]

A man boarded a plane with six kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, Are all of those kids yours? He replied, No. I work for a condom company and these are customer complaints.