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Old 05-01-2012, 09:56 AM   #101
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i went to a face to face meeting last night, first one in a very long time.
i usually do online meetings because there are only 2 OA meetings a week in the city i live in, and both of those meetings are times i am usually working...
Normally i get some pretty major anxiety walking into a f2f meeting - but just to show how far i've come along, i didn't have any anxiety last night.. Well okay a little bit but nothing worth mentioning..

When i created my abstinence list some time ago, i made it a super long one..And if i overate even healthy foods, for instance, i would claim that as breaking my abstinence.. i was incredibly hard on myself.. Over time, i've worked on making my abstinence list just the items i must be abstinent from.. Other things, if i choose not to eat them, is for wanting to be healthy reasons, not because i've fallen off the wagon..

i started counting my abstinence days 72 days ago.. Even though i've really been abstinent from the things on my list for a much longer time.. At the meeting last night, a woman who leads the meeting and has been a member of OA for 22 years, had a heart to heart with me.. She understands the obsessing and she understands the behaviors and sees herself in me back when she first started in OA.. Talking with her was very comforting..

She pleaded with me to acknowledge my abstinence from it's true date, and that i am deserving of that.. i don't feel deserving of it for some reason *still don't* and i'm having a very hard time swallowing the fact that i have been abstinent for one year.. (maybe a little more, but one year for sure).. Why must i be so hard on myself? i don't know, this very moment i am typing this, i'm still shaking my head ..

They are arranging a one year celebration for me, i will get a rose and a coin and have the opportunity to share my story with everyone.. *gulp* What an honor, now it's to work on accepting that.. Today i marked on the calendar 73 days abstinent, like normal... (guess it should read 368?)

i need to work on acceptance!

~~~~~~~~~
In other news -
i am very amazed after doctor appointments, at how much damage i've done to my body over the years with the binging and the purging.. i keep finding out things that are due to my abusing my body over time, and while it doesn't surprise me, i think i am amazed that i've probably known deep down the harm i might be doing to myself, yet i continued on..

To this day, everyday is a battle *not* to purge the food i've eaten.. i struggle more with that than my recovery for compulsive eating.. And after coming down a year long journey of helping myself, and not giving in to my urge to binge and purge - one would think it gets easier at some point - it doesn't... (or hasn't..) maybe never will..

So in knowing all of this, it helps me to start accepting that i've come this far.. a year is a hell of a journey and while it's not been a perfect journey (nothing ever is) i'm learning to accept my imperfections and embracing that i have done a lot of hard work this year.. i have a long way to go, and am understanding that i could be doing this work over and over again for the rest of my life..

But, i am getting the quality of my life back.. i am smiling, i am embracing people back into my life, i am helping and inspiring people, i am improving my health and mostly - i am accepting me and the skin i am in... So this journey has brought me many positives , despite how hard it's been.. It's been worth it..

So, 368 days of abstinence..*gulp* how about that?
i'm acknowledging - that's something right?
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Old 05-12-2012, 07:32 AM   #102
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Went to another f2f meeting Monday night..
i got me an actual Sponsor and have committed to Monday night meetings every week, and have Monday evenings off which works out well.

For a long time i have had much anger over f2f meetings.. Walking into that building brought me much anxiety, and so now in finally accepting i can't do this alone i realize it's never been about the people in those meetings or the content - but it's been 'me' all along..

It's taken me a full year to fully accept that i am powerless over food and need help, & that i can't do this all on my own.. i have been stubborn in thinking i could, and continue to take my own steps, and continue to work on this and that but, i always , ALWAYS come back to where i started, because i can't climb over that hump that helps me move forward..

Frustrating, yes..
Disappointing, yes..
But, being completely honest here - it's the first time in my life i have felt some sort of understanding of what is going on with me.. It's very baffling, and these last 2 months have been a complete power struggle within myself and i've let go of my program somewhat and am now finding myself in a pickle where it would take me a mere moment to relapse if i'm not completely mindful each and every day..

So this is where i need to pick it up, dust myself off, find my priorities and get back to working hard & not just saying i'm going to..

Posting this post is holding myself accountable..
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Old 07-14-2012, 02:41 PM   #103
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Been awhile since i have posted in here, and it's for a reason.
A few months ago i started to lose motivation with my journey..
Working out less, not following my plan of eating diligently, and sadly i was continuously setting myself up a lot.

Over those few months, it got harder and harder to stay on track.
i felt like i was letting go.. And then a couple of weeks ago, it happened.
i broke my abstinence.

i really think it was necessary for that to happen. And the more i think about it, the happier i am that it happened. Sometimes hitting a rock bottom is what is needed to help us grow.. i needed some self acceptance.. i needed to admit to myself i truly 'was' powerless over food.. i was saying i was, but clearly wasn't registering that because i wasn't ever moving forward..

Frustrating, for a long while. But this week, something happened.
i had 4 days off, and i used every single one of those days to the best of my ability to physically change my recovery plan, one step at a time i broke everything down and was completely honest with myself and what i needed.

my Sponsor has been a huge help for me, along with someone else in OA that i've met.. The three of us plan a meet each week, and work the steps together outside of our face to face meeting on Monday nights. The fact i am accepting help now, admitting i cannot do this all on my own as i was doing and embracing my Spiritual guidance as well, are all big steps and knowledge that i am finally starting on the right and much needed path to recovery..

It's been a very difficult, low feeling few weeks especially.
But like usual, i find my way, find my strength and i pull myself up, dust myself off and i learn from my experiences, my thoughts and my inner boo boo's..

Progress, not perfection, right? One baby step at a time, for me.
So this passed week, i reworked my program, my abstinence list, my plan of eating.. i attended meetings, surrounded myself with the support of OA, meditated and sought guidance from my Higher Power and i now feel like i am in a much better place, and ready to keep working through the challenges bit by bit by very small bit..

i can't do this at anyone else's pace, except my own..
And i have plenty of time..

Been putting my progress on my facebook page..
As well as my YouTube channel, which i just started..
it's been very recovery focused for the first couple of videos..
But i have plans for sharing recipes, exercises and many different things that work for me for positivity & positive results.

♥ Hope you are all doing well, those who share & those who read and share with me in private.. love to you all! xx
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Old 08-25-2012, 10:48 AM   #104
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Quick update...
i've been embracing my Spiritual path and it's been such an emotional thing in this recovery journey for me. i have had much inner anger towards spirituality, and that's been much to do with my isolation, from everyone and everything for many, many years.

i have really had to take my time in exploring myself and what felt like a fit to me because it is important this comes from within and not any place else. It's something very tender and needed to be very gentle with myself and do some self-evaluating and really get to know that deep, inner struggle i've been fighting through for years within some more.

So having found a spiritual path that not only works for me, but feels like something i've embraced long, long ago.. It's much of who i am and how i've been walking for a very long time.. And it feels amazing to finally be working on not only emotional, mental and physical recovery, but now spiritual as well.

It's all coming together, and i feel myself strengthening and ready to work this as thoroughly as needed. i feel much peace within, mindful of everything around me and grateful, blessed and ready for the next step.
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Old 08-30-2012, 09:51 PM   #105
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sylvie, it's so wonderful to read your journey here.

i've been struggling a lot the last few months and i started dbt therapy a couple of weeks ago which has been helping somewhat...i have someone to keep me accountable for eating and i'm learning more skills to help so i don't keep falling back down the rabbit hole. i also coordinated things between my therapist and my doctor so my doctor isn't constantly doing things to trigger me a lot. and i saw a nutritionist for the first time in a few years. (just briefly but it helped.)

i've definitely been feeling a bit raw and overemotional lately though. i hate the way things seem to go in circles for me when it comes to recovery. i get complacent and i forget how much i have to consciously be engaged in this process all the time and how much i need to protect my recovery practices, self-care, etc. i feel grateful that i have many more tools now than i used to, so when i am struggling it's easier to get back on track.
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Old 08-31-2012, 11:18 AM   #106
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sylvie, it's so wonderful to read your journey here.

i've been struggling a lot the last few months and i started dbt therapy a couple of weeks ago which has been helping somewhat...i have someone to keep me accountable for eating and i'm learning more skills to help so i don't keep falling back down the rabbit hole. i also coordinated things between my therapist and my doctor so my doctor isn't constantly doing things to trigger me a lot. and i saw a nutritionist for the first time in a few years. (just briefly but it helped.)

i've definitely been feeling a bit raw and overemotional lately though. i hate the way things seem to go in circles for me when it comes to recovery. i get complacent and i forget how much i have to consciously be engaged in this process all the time and how much i need to protect my recovery practices, self-care, etc. i feel grateful that i have many more tools now than i used to, so when i am struggling it's easier to get back on track.
Hi aishah!
Sounds like you have some really great tools in place for yourself which is a positive indeed.. i , too, do therapy (which reminds me i need to rebook for therapy soon), a nutritionist and of course frequent visits with my doctor.. Along with meetings and my sponsor, everything seems to be going well.. It really takes a combination of so many things to even start getting myself to a healthy mindset, so if i am consistent about doing each of those things plus using my daily tools, i've been rocking some pretty strong days. But i can so relate to going in circles, it's like my brain shuts off the part that keeps me mindful about my recovery and what i need to keep myself safe, healthy and focused.. i definitely lose sight of all of that if i am not using all of my tools and keeping my appointments, etc..

Sometimes i do find it quite easy to get back on track as well, but sometimes, i find it extremely difficult.. Depends on the day, the situation, etc.

i am SO grateful that i have really been strong these last few weeks..
i have to say this is the longest time of being this consistent with my recovery - and i've also come to realize that there will be days we fall, but what counts is that we am getting back up and at this every single time..

How fantastic is that? Hugs to you aishah! So thankful for your post today!
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Old 02-12-2017, 10:44 AM   #107
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I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.
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Old 02-13-2017, 06:08 AM   #108
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I was going to start a thread on mindful intuitive eating but then found this thread. *sits down comfortably*. I grew up the codependent daughter of a binge eating disorder narcissistic stepfather and a codependent mother with type 1 diabetes. She tried to manage his food ALL the time, and I swore I'd never be like that. At age 27 I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a soft butch incest survivor not in recovery and I kind of learned how to binge. I went up to 165 from 133 and spent the next 14 years failing at abstinence in OA, which really did a number on my self esteem. I was also getting sober in SLAA. By the end I was 316, unemployed, depressed, Adult ADHD, my mother had died of diabetes at age 59, and didn't know what to do. I saw Shadows of Hope on TV and researched rehabs across the country, and entered Timberline Knolls in Chicago in May 2011 when I came into an inheritance. Wow within 24 hours everything I knew about recovery was turned on its head. I learned about mindful intuitive eating and began my new journey. It (along with DBT) changed my life. I no longer diet and eat in moderation. I wish I could say I stayed on course but didn't because I had to end a four year friendship and relapsed. I got back on track in summer 2014 at a local outpatient and have stayed on course. I'm now 250 and my a1c is down to 5.8 from 12. I don't focus on numbers anymore and health is my goal. But most of my friends are either dieters or are having WLS. I respect their right to choose their own path but keep watching the results... I also live with my partner of 17 years who has BED, diabetes, and is permanently disabled from same. It's very hard to see her deteriorate but I love her for everything... she's my butch and my husband. I'm so so glad Sylvie started this topic as I need support and to be around others who "get it". Thanks for listening.
I am glad you found this thread!

I thought the hardest part about recovery was making the decision to seek treatment, but i was wrong! That decision was challenged every day as i tried to navigate the system: there were so many obstacles and extremely limited choices-- and waiting lists.

Finding the will to persist in seeking a solution that i only halfway wanted (at that time) was a process that started over with every phone call.

So your diligence and persistence in finding the best treatment is something to be very proud of, and coming back after relapse as well

*hugs*
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:07 PM   #109
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Anyone here actively involved in or considering getting involved in Overeaters Anonymous??
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