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Old 11-04-2009, 08:27 PM   #1
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Default Grieving


My sister, JoAnn, died this past year. It has taken my breath away. I know that others who have experienced death of a loved one also know this feeling. It is a feeling that will never heal.

I thought it would be a good idea to share our thoughts and feelings. It is a safe place.

Namaste,
Andrew
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:15 AM   #2
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Default Last Night...

I just tossed and turned. I couldn't sleep. My mind was just focused on JoAnn for some reason. I was just thinking about her, and trying to remember how she sounded, her laugh, her smile, and the look of love in her eyes as she watched over her 2 boys.
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Old 11-07-2009, 03:34 PM   #3
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I lost my mom last year and I still get that get that instant response to call her when I something comes up... it's hard and it takes a lot of time I think... but I'm getting to a point where good memories don't make me feel so sad if that makes sense...

Anyway, I just wanted to say I'm really sorry for your loss Andrew, and let you know you're not alone.

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Old 11-07-2009, 05:30 PM   #4
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Metro,

Thanks.

Death is so very strange imho. My younger brother killed himself when I was just 15 yo. Now, that feels like eons ago. And my sister, that feels like yesterday. These losses just never heal. I know it is a new reality after someone dies because life goes on. But like you said, you reach for the phone to call and then the reality of their death just hits you once again.

But I go on. One foot in front of the other, thanking God for what I have, and not for what I want or need. It gives me peace of mind.
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Old 11-14-2009, 01:04 AM   #5
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We lost one of our babies today...

Mr. Diago Luigo, faithful patroller of the neighborhood, grand killer of anything that didn't move fast enough.. (If he didn't kill it, then he tried to have his way with it.. (Causing a rift between himself and his brother that was never mended.))had a massive heart attack today on the way to the vets...He was diagnosed with heart issues four months ago.. It was a terminal prognosis... The vet was suprised that he had lived four and a half years.. Apparently the life expectancy is around two years...

The last couple days he had been breathing hard.. He was still eating, still doing his... I want to go outside!!!!!!! dance.. but even when he was laying still, you could see how hard it was for him to breath..

I knew he was winding down.. You could see it in him... He has spent a lot of time the last week out on the patio in one of my captain chairs.. All day long sleeping in the sun... Thank you universe for this beautiful harvest fall.. It was perfect for him... He would start to go do his *patrol* and then just sit down and feel the air and the sun... Last night, we were sitting out on the patio and he was sitting on the grass smelling the air... Just being perfectly still with his nose up... Then he did a lil half jump and a lil pounce on some leaves and he cantered into the house...

Last night he came and got into bed with Michele.. It's not something that he has ever done.. He was the kind of cat that wanted to be at the foot of the bed, or under it... But last night, he got into bed with her and cuddled up for the longest time.. I didn't know it at the time, but she whispered to him that it was ok for him to go if he wanted to.. She told him that she loved him and he was a good boy...

This morning she told him that she loved him and said goodbye..

Both Michele and the vet wanted him to get into the clinic asap, so I left work early and took him in... The 10 min car ride was too much for him... He had a massive infarction about three min from the clinic.. They grabbed him and took him into the back, but he didn't respond and slipped away... I keep thinking.. I should have went and got Michele's car.. it smelled like her.. I should have cleaned out the cat carrier so it didn't smell like my cats...

But truth be told.. I know that it is better that it was over so fast.. His lungs were filling up.. That's why he couldn't breath... A quick death over a lingering one...

The vet was amazed at his condition.. The fact that he had lived so long with his heart walls as thick as they were.. That he was still active and eating..

Mr. Diego Luigo.. you were a pain in my ass.. Bossy, Demanding, leaving disembowel rabbits for your mother to clean up... Trying to prove that you didn't need no stinking balls to prove your cat hood.. (I saw you looking at my bag!!!) you had fishhooks because you wouldn't let anyone touch your killing claws... Your lil monkey tux face... you did look like a lil monkey.. You didn't know the meaning of the word.. NO.. Come here!@!!.. get down... Leave her alone!!! You would cross a busy street staring down cars as you sauntered across at your leisure... Giving your mother a heart attack... Neither rain, nor sleet, nor busy streets would keep you from your self appointed patrol...

You had the sweetest purr, and the way that you DEMANDED to be held and petted... You were the wild child that I couldn't help but love.. You had that same feeling of freedom about you that your mother carries..

You went out on your own terms... You didn't want to be in that carrier.. you didn't want to go to the vet.. you picked the time...

Big boy.. you will be missed so very much... But the way that I think about it.. You have your balls back, and an unlimited supply of rabbits to hunt...

Our sadness is a fair trade off...
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Old 11-14-2009, 10:25 AM   #6
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Ms Cyn,

I am so very sorry for your loss. It is such a heartbreak. I hope it is helpful to think about Rainbow Bridge. A place where our furkids go to play in the sunshine, with plenty of food, water, treats, and without any pain.

Animals are just as much a part of our family as any human is. They entertain us, and add enjoyment to our lives. For me, being disabled, animals are my companions.

I wish you and your family peace in your hearts.

Namaste,
Andrew
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Old 11-15-2009, 10:22 PM   #7
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My Diego passed away on friday and will always be missed but he is not suffering anymore and i believe he is in a better place

love you forever my beloved tuxedo boy
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Old 11-15-2009, 10:51 PM   #8
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Death is a wicked, cruel bitch.
Death is stingy, taking someone from us we love with all of our hearts, not caring one tiny bit for us, but for itself.
Death is immature, taking some before their time.

And so, like everything horrible.....we can either succumb ourselves, or thumb our noses at death. We can either become bitter or better because of the chaos which death brought our way. Death doesn't care if You understand or not. Death doesn't care about your personal journey, or how you're going to respond.

Death just does it.

Sometimes, we do not know if our own lives will go on. But they do.
Sometimes, we do not know if we will ever be capable of laughing again. But we will.
Sometimes, we don't know if we ever be able to speak the name of The One death took from us without sobbin. But we will.

I lost my precious daughter, Melody Claire, in 1996. She was 16. She was the passenger in a car driven by her best friend. She was going 90 in a 30, lost control of the car, it flipped and they slid into a telephone pole, killing them both instantly.

I don't think I need to go on about the insanity that became my journey for a brief period. It was hell. But her life gave me strength to move on. I was able to speak to her school ~ her classmates ~ on the morning of her funeral. I told them that they should not waste a moment in telling someone they love them. There was a message here. Melody had just told me how much she loved me that afternoon.

Her death was a lesson to me. She taught me that I could survive anything. 3 years after she died, I lost my Grandmother, my favorite Uncle and my Mom. I sang at their funerals. I don't think I could have done it had Melody's death not taught me how to be strong. In 2006, my Dad died. I sang at his funeral, too, as did my youngest daughter ~ Melody's younger sister, Erin.

We have learned to be strong together.

It's like giving someone power over You to make You feel inferior (Re: Eleanor Roosevelt). Death is the same way. You can give It permission to ruin Your life, or You can learn something from it and not wallow in self~pity.

It is the choice which belongs to us all.


~Diva



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Old 11-15-2009, 11:02 PM   #9
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Aye Diva so true and wise.....ty for your thoughts
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Old 11-15-2009, 11:16 PM   #10
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Grieving, what a good thread Andrew, thank you..Many of us don't ever talk about things.

Mr. Diago Luigo, Diego Sniff., Condolences for your loss of loved ones to all the family and friends here. and (((((DIVA)))))

Time makes it easier, but that stabbing teary eyed thing comes back on those memorial birth and death dates and UUGGHHHH the holidays. My Mom died Nov.2, 1990, and I still miss her. Thanksgiving dinner will never be the same with our her describing how to stuff a turkey , and us dashing out for the after Turkey day sales that started at midnight.

November is sometimes a bad month for me. My brother committed sucide at 16 the day before Thanksgiving1998, and my dad died the next year, the day after Thanksgiving.I was estranged from my dad's side of the family, but miss what should have been.

My Mom loved Vegas. I had her ashes sprinked at sea off Balboa Island just south of me. Sherrie said to me one day, hey , let's go down to the shore and "scoop up some of Mom's ashes" and take her with us to Vegas. We did just that, and as we walked through her favorite casino, the 4 Queens with a water bottle 1/2 full of sand , i dribbled some hear and there, looking for her favorite slot machine, then in the alley-->where , never mind.

First time I could memorialize her in any way, and, and I thank my girl so much.
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:36 AM   #11
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November is a month of remembrance for me.

I celebrated the memory of my baby sister this last week. Lost from my sight 13 years ago. I spent much time thinking of her, remembering her and loving her. While I may not see her by my side anymore, she is always visible in my thoughts. She brings me comfort now, after so many years. The tears of loss I shed now are so wonderfully tainted with love and remembrance. So many good things that she brought to my life and to the life of so many others. Never in this world have I found a more vivid example of selflessness and unconditional love. Taken so early from this world, at the tender age of 12 she managed to make an unmistakable difference in the lives of others. Her bright soul reached out to everyone around her; encouraging hope, happiness, friendship, and kindness. At her funeral, so many of her classmates were present, leaving flowers, stuffed animals, bracelets, and notes in her casket, that we had to push them to her feet to see her face. I dearly hope that I may be just a little like her in my interactions with others.

I also remember my uncle this month, killed by a drunk driver on a dark canyon road 5 years ago. This man, my mothers brother, taught me something that I will never forget. He taught me the joy of unconditional love. He married a woman whom he loved more than anything in this world, and not once in all the years of their marriage did that love ever waiver even a fraction. When she suffered from sever postpartum depression, he would come home on lunch breaks to make sure that the babies were cared for because he knew that she couldn't. When his children were grown, and disagreed with their mother, he set them straight, telling them that she would always be held first in his heart and they would respect her or they would not be welcome in her home. As a child he singled me out. Did things with me that my own father never did. Took me fishing... that was our special thing. One fishing trip my aunt came along. As we set quietly waiting for the tug on our poles, he leaned over and whispered in my ear "I always catch more when shes here. The fish come up to see how beautiful she is." It is my deepest wish that someday, someone will love me how he loved my aunt. If i were to find that, I would have found the greatest gift in all the world.
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Old 11-16-2009, 01:04 PM   #12
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Mitmo01,

I am so very sorry for your loss.

Tommi,

I remember talking with you about your Mom & Vegas. And we both are survivors of each of our brother's suicide's. When we thought we would never survive...we have, and did with grace, honor, and style.

JustLovelyJenn,

Words are just escaping me now. Just know that I understand. Our loved ones are in our hearts, minds, and souls.

Peace to all,
Andrew
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Old 11-16-2009, 04:32 PM   #13
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Diva,

I have no idea of how you survived that devisitation. Thanks for your advice. Your daughter was beautiful.

Namaste,
Andrew
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Old 11-16-2009, 05:52 PM   #14
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Everyday since 3/3/93 for my Mom, the Yellow Rose of Texas! I miss you....Love always "your Tomboy"
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:18 PM   #15
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Andrew have you read Elizabeth Kubler Ross?
If not, her books on death grieving may helpful in your grieving process.


–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––


As for myself, I welcome death as my sweet repose.
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Old 11-16-2009, 07:54 PM   #16
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Ol'Jet,

No, I am not a reader. Thanks for the tip though.

I went to a support group called Grief Share, which I would recommend. Grief Share is a national organization. I had to stop going before my sister actually died. I started going 6 months prior to her death. It was too much for me to handle with everything going on...
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Old 11-17-2009, 09:24 PM   #17
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Love you guys N gals, Grieving with friends...even if typed touches ones heart.

For every day ,I am thankful..and for all of you

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Old 11-17-2009, 09:46 PM   #18
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My mom and I were best friends. In 2001, she was found dead in her apartment. I kept calling her thinking she went to Denver to visit my uncles. Finally, when she never answered, one of my uncles went in her apartment and found slumped over dead on the bathroom floor. The autopsy showed nothing as to the cause of death other than she had been dead a week.

I never cried, never said goodbye and never grieved. I was on auto pilot from severe trauma of my own, and I couldn't feel or manage normal feelings about death. It was as though it never happened. It was like the Bible says something like "I set my face like flint." I took care of her apartment and financial affairs with the help of my family, but almost robotically.

And I will tell you now, that long delayed and overdue grief is about to hit as I near the end of my recovery as a trauma survivor.

So, I'm right there with you....
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Old 11-18-2009, 06:18 PM   #19
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Thanks for sharing your story here. Grief comes in waves. Some days are flat, some are rocky, and some are like the waves crashing onto the beach. It is a new norm.

Holidays...for us, we have to create new rituals and new routines to do because of my sister's children. Last year the boys came unglued when we pulled out her ornaments. And she was known for making certain cookies for them. Well, we still have no clue what to do with that one. For us, making a new routine has worked well.

But in reality, you never get over the loss of your loved one. I know I will never get over JoAnn. Never. I am glad to have shared her with a few of you online at CaringBridge. Her husband took it down now.

Life is so short.
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Old 11-19-2009, 10:03 AM   #20
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Tomorrow it will be a month since my father passed. I keep thinking I have these emotions under control until all of a sudden it blind sides me, I was re-caulking my bathtub and talking to my boi about how we need to replace several tile on the wall and did hy know how to do that? I said oh its ok honey I will just call my dad... Insert full blow meltdown here while sitting in the bathtub.

I understand that talking really does help and crying is normal and even anger is not unusual, but I don't think I can deal with these complete meltdowns much more.


I too have a brother who commited suicide when I was a teen. It was over half my lifetime ago and it still at times feels so fresh and raw even though I have really processed and worked through those emotions. I miss him and can't help but wonder what kind of man he would be, what kind of relationship would we have and how much fun we would have had picking on the folks.
Everyone here who has shared their personal losses very sincerely have my condolences and I understand.
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