Personal Space -- In Your Face

[Jude]

Wondering if I'm just socially atypical............. What is the level of your need for personal space? Does the suggestion of "in your face" send an involuntary shiver up your spine? Do crowds ever overwhelm you? How do you feel about the person behind you in a que (how close is too close)? The hug from a mere acquaintance?

This is wholly apart from sexual intimacy - talking physical, personal space here; not even about emotional need for space. (That may be my next query!)

[princessbelle]

I know what you mean. I think i'm sorta ordinary when it comes to space. But omg i have a coworker...geeze louise she gets like two inches from my face when she talks.....i back up, she walks forward and sometimes i'm going in circles trying to get away basically. It's weird how personal space is diff for diff folks.

And the elevator? OMG it's funny to me. If there are two in there it seems you stand on opposite sides..then more come in and they take the back and so on. Like there is little tabs on the floor and everyone knows where their spot is when getting on to give equal space on all sides. Unless of course it is full then everyone just sucks it in and prays the ride is a quick one, looks at the ceiling or someones shoes, because then someone is definately in your space.

That is something to think on and it will be interesting reading others responses.

[suebee]

"They" say that personal space is about 18". If you take your hand, put it about two feet away from somebody and move it in slowly you'll usually find their aura - a feeling of slight heat and resistance - at about 18". That's about where mine is. We all have to compromise in crowds, on the bus etc. Sounds like yours is greater than that. Have a friend try the aura exercise. It would be interesting to see what the results are.

[katsarecool]

I feel uncomfortable when people get too close to me; strangers. It does not seem to bother me when in a crowd; a crowd that is entering or leaving an event. But when someone stands to close to me it feels like an invasion. Sometimes I will back up into that person on purpose and then look them in the eye as I say excuse me slowly but with a aggressive "protetcing my personal space" look. It does the trick always.

[bigbutchmistie]

I cant take crowds at all...

I dont like people behind me

At work there is a wall behind me and everyone is around me

If I know you hugs dont bother me.

[Blade]

OMG I think I'm on both ends of the spectrum. I am a touch person. I hug everyone, I feel very at ease in a crowd of "my peeps". However I don't like to be crowded by folks. Like at a movie or concert or something like that. I don't like anyone sitting behind me, like in a office or out to eat I sit facing the door, I wanna see who's coming and going.

Like Belle I have a cousin who almost touches noses with you when she talks to you and I'm all over the place trying to get away from her. Touch me ok but don't breathe my breath please.

[DapperButch]

When I first started being a part of the lesbian community, I had to get used to all the hugging....you meet a person through a mutual friend at a gathering and two hours later when you are saying goodbye to them they hug you. Huh? Do I know you?

I learned that indeed talking to them for five minutes did qualify as "knowing them" and this qualified us for "hug status"....I just went with the flow and got used to it...now I can hug anyone.

In general though, I think that my comfort level of space between myself and another person would fall under average to wanting a bit more space than the average person.

[rlin]

i do okay in crowded spaces... its like my psyche knows it just has to deal with it...
but... in a normal environment... nope... i have a pretty good idea of my space... i think it is deeper than 18"...
and... even hugs from folks i like are iffy... i think i need a real physical relationship with the person...
i think that personal space is the lesson i beat into my kid the most...
even when he was 2 or 3 and had no idea of personal space... i was teaching him... now... he has hangups with it... so... i think i created a monster... its few and far between that i get a hug from him unless he wants it... of course... he is 21... so i consider myself lucky that he ever wants a hug...
damn...
i think i got off topic...
hmmm
yeah...
space is really flipn important...

[suebee]

One of my fav people on the planet is my cousin. She's just a great all-round person. But she does not like to be hugged. Her mother says she was that way even as a baby. It's always kind of seemed like a mystery to me. She's such a warm person, yet obviously is wired to not accept much in the way of casual physical contact. Anybody know someone like that?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by Jude

Wondering if I'm just socially atypical............. What is the level of your need for personal space? Does the suggestion of "in your face" send an involuntary shiver up your spine? Do crowds ever overwhelm you? How do you feel about the person behind you in a que (how close is too close)? The hug from a mere acquaintance?

This is wholly apart from sexual intimacy - talking physical, personal space here; not even about emotional need for space. (That may be my next query!)

I don't have a set level or physical amount of space that is THE amount for me. It depends on the situation, the people involved, whether I'm ovulating, etc.

Crowds don't bother me unless the other people consistently get in my way. Then, I begin to take it personally and the teeth begin to clench. I get more irritated than overwhelmed.

As for lines, I prefer enough room for there to be a distinct difference between them and myself and their stuff and my stuff. I'll keep the cart behind me in order to get that space, if I see or feel a space hog coming.

Like Blade, I'm a touchy feely sort. I touch people. I do understand that others are not as touchy as I am and try to remember who is less inclined to be okay with a touch on the shoulder or a pat than others. I hug lots. If I feel someone is not too huggy and/or not comfortable with hugging but we're already going through the motions, I'll spare them and make it a super quick half hug, like teachers have to do in schools now.

Someone mentioned elevators. That's an excellent analogy for how I handle personal space. I give others as much personal space as I can, fitting the situation. As more people come into the space, there's going to be some adjusting and shuffling around, but if all are respectful of one another's space, it's more tolerable than if you have someone literally in your face.

I have no qualms with telling someone to back up or give me space if there is space to be given. Sometimes it's a simple "Excuse me" and a simultaneous shifting of the eyes in the direction I want them to move and either a shoulder shrug or actual movement of my arms in that direction.

I've also addressed personal space with children in front of their parents, not that it did any good for the parents. The children seemed to be more aware of the space issue than the parents were, actually.

[asphaltcowboi]

personal space... i do not like to be touched by new people or drunks or hardley anyone but my partner in public. i get nervous in crowds and do anything to get away into my own space. when i met a new person a hand shake is fine.. i dont like the hugs..i put up with it from friends but only because they are friends and i try to limit the touching. ive been known to throw a mean right hook when someone sneaks up behind me or startels me. then when im home i love being cuddeling and sharing my space with my partner but even there im funny about it sometimes.

[Jude]

Originally Posted by suebee

One of my fav people on the planet is my cousin. She's just a great all-round person. But she does not like to be hugged. Her mother says she was that way even as a baby. It's always kind of seemed like a mystery to me. She's such a warm person, yet obviously is wired to not accept much in the way of casual physical contact. Anybody know someone like that?

____________________________

My brother could be the poster boy for Aspergers Syndrome. I cant' think of a characteristic that he does NOT exhibit. I'm mentioning him in the context that my mother used to confide in me that my brother would never make eye contact with her when he was an infant, even when he was feeding. Even as an infant, he cried if he was picked up and relaxed again only when he was put down. Most babies lock into their mother's eyes. Needless to say, my brother doesn't like to hug. We had a standing joke that after a long separation, I could give him a hug so long as it didn't last more than 3 seconds and was accompanied by the phrase: "Hug, Hug, Pat, Pat. Okay, I did it." Not suggesting your relation is an Aspie, but feeling extremely uncomfortable in that situation is certainly characteristic of someone with social anxiety.

[ravfem]

In public, if it gets too crowded near me, i'll usually try to move off to the side just enough to get some breathing room but not to remove myself completely.

Recently i was at a very crowded street festival and had to actually fight going into my little space, a new experience for me. Luckily i had a very calming influence on my phone and they helped me get past that moment quickly.

i love being on a crowded dance floor though.

The thing is, i love going to stuff like that. i also love just walking around, whether downtown, at flea markets....anything. But if i sense or hear/feel people behind me, i'll move to the side so they can go by me.

As far as being around friends, i am a touchy-feely person, and love to give hey & bye hugs. But don't stay in my space during a conversation, unless i want you there.

If i'm interested in someone but don't want them to know, i'll go out of my way to not get in their personal space, but i think that's because most times i'm afraid they'll pick up on my vibes if i do.

[katsarecool]

Originally Posted by Jude

____________________________

My brother could be the poster boy for Aspergers Syndrome. I cant' think of a characteristic that he does NOT exhibit. I'm mentioning him in the context that my mother used to confide in me that my brother would never make eye contact with her when he was an infant, even when he was feeding. Even as an infant, he cried if he was picked up and relaxed again only when he was put down. Most babies lock into their mother's eyes. Needless to say, my brother doesn't like to hug. We had a standing joke that after a long separation, I could give him a hug so long as it didn't last more than 3 seconds and was accompanied by the phrase: "Hug, Hug, Pat, Pat. Okay, I did it." Not suggesting your relation is an Aspie, but feeling extremely uncomfortable in that situation is certainly characteristic of someone with social anxiety.

I had the same experience with my son that you described here. It turned out he as Aspergers as well. He still will hug but his muscle bound body gets all stiff. But we know he loves us and we accept him for the special person he is. He is 34.

[Miss Scarlett]

I confess to being a bit of a hugger myself.

As far as crowds are concerned, it depends on the situation. Most of the time it doesn't bother me. I don't like our large farmers' market when the men from some ethnic groups crowd you, walk in front of you, get in your way, act like you're invisible, etc. Grrrrrrr!

My previous employer was a "crowder." If she was standing behind me to look at a document or something on my computer she would press herself into my shoulder either her hip or by leaning on me. It felt nasty and once she actually belched in my ear and I mean a "frat party belch" too.

[dale2555]

Originally Posted by Jude

Wondering if I'm just socially atypical............. What is the level of your need for personal space? Does the suggestion of "in your face" send an involuntary shiver up your spine? Do crowds ever overwhelm you? How do you feel about the person behind you in a que (how close is too close)? The hug from a mere acquaintance?

This is wholly apart from sexual intimacy - talking physical, personal space here; not even about emotional need for space. (That may be my next query!)

With family, and this includes my friends who have meshed into family through the years, I rarely feel the need to pull back. With anyone else, there is a definitive line drawn and any push over that line is received with my physically stepping back to regain my necessary distance. How much distance is determined by who that person is and the context of the situation.

I have recently been told that I am an "in your face person" and this surprised me. Never saw myself that way. I asked a friend who has known me a long time and she said yes. However when I asked for clarification, she said I get in people's faces when I find their behavior or conversation offensive, which is totally different from the discussion here.

I am a touchy, feely person with those I care for and enjoy being touched by them. However, to be thought of as someone who doesn't sense anothers "personal space" has given me pause. Not saying I feel horrible about it, but I will be more attentive to it now.

[DomnNC]

Strangers I keep at arms length. I find it totally inappropriate for someone I don't know to be hugging on me, touching on me or getting in my face, as someone else said in that situation a handshake is the appropriate thing to do, in my opinion anyway. My family and close friends, I have no problem with hugging me, touching me etcetcetc.

As far as outdoor events, those things don't bother me, I just make sure I'm aware who is close to me and keep whomever is with me close to me as well. It's just a matter of personal safety nowadays.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by Jude

Wondering if I'm just socially atypical............. What is the level of your need for personal space?

I needed it heavily, I like being alone, it's never been a deep issue for me. I do know it's not healthy. Without getting into details- I did not come from a household where there was a lot of touching or hugging matter of fact it was rare, so I was literally not imprinted to be this way, so with that came the need and like of just being alone. Which by the way is hard when you start having kids, cause my kids are all about their senses and needed to be touched. I was lucky enough to have found Mentors and well there was my Sir and he broke me real quick because he knew how unhealthy it is and I am grateful for that.



Does the suggestion of "in your face" send an involuntary shiver up your spine?

It makes me cringe, my walls go up, and I get tense..

Do crowds ever overwhelm you?

Yes, but I am pretty good at deflecting people's energies off and sticking to my own space if need to.

How do you feel about the person behind you in a que (how close is too close)?

Yeah unless I know them or trust them I tend to move in a circular fashion so I can see all angles.


The hug from a mere acquaintance?

Way back in the day, I would back away from a hug, this I found out is rude and not ok (therapy) so I extend my hand out first, I have met a lot of people that are like oh no we hug, and this is what I have learned.

Hugs are great, (sometimes) and you can feel a lot about a person through a hat, they are full of love, concern, affection and some hugs are like sugar cookies and Christmas. I know sounds fucked up and all Sandra Lee but I am sharing my experiences.

This is wholly apart from sexual intimacy - talking physical, personal space here; not even about emotional need for space. (That may be my next query!)

I still tend to like my alone time, I like to be quiet for days, it's hard to manuever if you are partnered or friends with people who don't get it or take it or make it about them. I am honest right away about how I am or can be, I am slow to brew it's not going to change.

I'm at a cross roads right now in my life because of current events, I see myself teeter totering between going into recluse to not. It's been hard to find an even balance and I can feel I am not as open to being to close with people. I know enough about myself to work it out and find a healthy balance, but it's hard cause when you are someone who is guarded there are events or experiences that will make one want to go back to old habits and those old habits well they make for a touchless existence. I know I gotta keep working on this though.

[weatherboi]

hi folks!!!

What is the level of your need for personal space? Does the suggestion of "in your face" send an involuntary shiver up your spine? Do crowds ever overwhelm you? How do you feel about the person behind you in a que (how close is too close)? The hug from a mere acquaintance?


my level of personal space is dictated by the type of energy that surrounds me or approaches me. i was born with something that attracts predators(good and bad) and i have been painfully and blissfully aware of this since i was very very young.

i crave touch and when i lack in being touched my physical tick emerges...my parents weren't touchy, weren't emotional and lacked kindness.waiting in line and hugs don't bother me. i mean, hug or handshake away, it doesn't matter because i am gonna read/feel that persons energy whether i want to or not. sometimes they can energize me and sometimes they can drain me to where i need a nap after the exchange. everybody hugs differently and i am ok with that.



navigating crowds is really just a matter of waiting and deflecting. i used to get overwhelmed when i was younger until i learned to block people and their energy. now i just remain alert and anticipate, especially when i am out with my Ms and loved ones.

[Julie]

Personal space is dictated by my mood, and this can change from touch me to get the hell away from me in an instant. I am a recluse... I do not like people very much, especially in my space. Though, I love humanity and work for it. If I never have to leave my home, it is huge which is why I work at home - I don't have to see people.

I grew up with parents who were part of the "love" generation (60's hippies) and grew up with intense beautiful touch. A family bed, where we could sleep whenever we chose. I touch my children whenever I can. My partners, well - they can suffer from my coldness, if I go there. I am not sure where it comes from. It is not how I grew up and I think I should to therapy. Serious!

If you are invited into my home - it will become your home and you will be loved. You probably will be touched if you are in my home, because I love you and have invited you there. I will probably even tuck you in when its time to say goodnight (well maybe not, but I will want too). If I have invited you into my home, it is because I trust you.

I am having a hard time with this thread, writing - because people see me as all warm and bubbly - friendly... Especially because of my work. And I am all of those things, but it is really hard and scary for me to put myself out there.

I do not like to travel for work, it scares me - because then I have to be in spaces I have no control over. I need my space - I do not like having to put a smile on my face. Same with personal travel - out of my element and really hard for me. It shocks me still, as I sit here in Australia that I have left and am here - out of my space and element.

It's four in the morning for GOD SAKE and what am I DOING UP? I should probably re-read what I wrote, but I am not going too. I should be snuggled in bed with this other human being who craves touch (at least mine).

Oh... I am really good at warning prospective partners, that I come with major issues attached to my being. I am not sure why I warn them, except to say - maybe they will leave me alone. Those that don't - usually get me. And then I tend to feel really bad for them. I generally spend the next amount of years apologizing for my behavior.

It's 4am and my brain is not working so well.