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Old 07-15-2011, 08:31 PM   #1
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Default Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

I was talking to someone in the chat room the other night and I made the remark that I can't afford date anyone right now. The femme I was talking to asked me why I feel that it takes money, and for me it comes down to how I treat a femme on a date.

For *ME*, it takes money to date a femme properly. No, I would never take a femme to McDonald's for a date. I may not take her to the fanciest place for dinner, but it should be nice. 60$ is not an unreasonable amount to spend on a nice meal with a girl. Then there is all the grooming. A fresh haircut every 2 weeks; getting a car wash before each date because who wants to be picked up in a dirty car??; Having freshly cleaned and pressed clothes that are dress-casual to dressy. (Jeans are fine if you have a dress shirt and tie to go with them.) And, bring her a small gift with each date, usually flowers, but it could be something else that she likes, such as candy or something else. Buy her drinks if you are at a bar.

Things that don't cost money but are essential to me are: Be freshly showered before each date! Open every door for her; pull out her chair for her; allow her to order her food first; ask her first if you want to hold her hand or kiss her (that's just good manners). If you like how she looks or her smile or how she smells or the things that she says, or wears, then tell her. Let her talk about herself, and don't dominate the conversation with things about you. Don't use a lot of swear words. Don't talk about your exes!! Don't be in a rush to get into bed; try to get to know her, who she is and what she is like. Listen to her. Ask her what kind of things she enjoys doing, what kind of food she likes, etc. so if she agrees to another date, you can plan your next date around things she enjoys. Don't do the same thing every single date - try to plan a variety of activities. Thank her for spending time with you, and if you really like her and want to see her again, don't wait more than 2 days to call her. Don't call her the very next day, either. Give room, but not too much room. Don't blow up her phone with text messages either, but saying you had a good time is important.

The person I was discussing this with said she had never been treated this way on a date, and I was kind of surprised. She told me I should start a thread about dating, so here it is:

Femmes, how do you like to be treated on a date? I think all of us people on the masculine spectrum should know what you ladies would like and what you think is important. I know not all femmes are the same and like the exact same things, so having as much feed back as possible is really appreciated! Also, some feed back about what NOT to do would be helpful too! Stories about both good dates and bad ones are welcome! I personally would really like to know how to be a better date so that someday, if I ever can afford to date again, I can do it better. Thanks in advance!
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Old 07-15-2011, 08:36 PM   #2
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Great thread! *takes a seat readily listening* (:
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:08 PM   #3
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I don't think it has to cost much money to go out on a date.

i usually get a fresh haircut wether I have a date or not.

It doesn't cost much to prepare a nice picnic lunch on the beach or at a park.

If its flowers you can not afford there are some very nice flowers you can pick for her along the way.

I can wash my own car

My clothes I can iron myself also

Wala ..Instant date
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:14 PM   #4
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I don't think it has to cost much money to go out on a date.

i usually get a fresh haircut wether I have a date or not.

It doesn't cost much to prepare a nice picnic lunch on the beach or at a park.

If its flowers you can not afford there are some very nice flowers you can pick for her along the way.

I can wash my own car

My clothes I can iron myself also

Wala ..Instant date

Thats a great start Guy!!! Picked flowers are much better it shows effort and thought! Picnic lunches are great!! and depending on where the picnic will be and if you have 4X4 the vehicle doesnt really have to be clean either, Hit the lake bank, Go MUDDIN!!! That makes for a super Southern date!!
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Old 01-01-2018, 01:34 AM   #5
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I want to be treated like a lady. I want the door opened for me, I want the chair pulled out for me, if we're at a restaurant, flowers would be a nice touch but not necessary, good intelligent conversation. Of course (it's obvious therefore I shouldn't even have to write this) a clean car- inside and out is important.

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Old 01-01-2018, 07:08 AM   #6
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I think it depends on the type of person you're dating. The original poster remarked about their inability to date due to finances. Well, there are many things in life that are easier with money, but also many that are necessary for ones well-being, money or no.

If the kind of person that turns you on is a full-on high-maintenance Femme that you know expects (demands?) to be wined and dined, well, you have your situation clearly laid out for you, don't you? If you haven't got the finances then your chances with them may be limited. But not every femme is like that.

I'd say courtesy and a reasonable degree of adaptability are more important - for both people involved in the date. And yes, make an effort with your appearance by all means, but make sure it's YOU that you're presenting, not some stereotype that is purely for the purpose of luring 'em in.

Butch or Femme or wherever one is on the spectrum, not everyone has money to spare, but everyone needs affection, and it pains me to see people believing that they have to be rich to go seek that special someone. I've experienced being wined and dined, but the person I fell deeply in love with was as poor as I, and the simple pleasure of being in their company and doing things together sufficed, for me, be that watching a video at their place, or having a cuppa in a cafe after some window-shopping and a walk in the park.

Just being with Them, and knowing that They are as interested in you as you are in Them is magical - for me. Dating is not just for the rich. Money can make life easier - but it doesn't create affection, and ultimately, that's what dating is about, no?
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:30 PM   #7
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wow..........

respect comes to mind....before during and after a date is important...

the grooming because you have taken the time to do this will be noticed, because i too will have taken the time to groom....

for me a picnic in the park /lake / ocean would be ideal this is just as intimate a setting as dinner perhaps less stuffy....

flowers if you have taken the time to find out said favorite flower then i would think either purchased and or hand picked would be good however not necessary....

but then again...what the hell do i know? the word "date" has me running for cover...the word itslef makes me feel all stuffy and like i would need to be something or someone im not....put on a pretense of something i just cant do or beleive in....

based on above paragraph i think dating for me would have to entail some sort of activity outside and or indoors however no movies and please no way too expensive restaurants....just because im looking out for your pocket book...this economy you got to get creative in your dating ....
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:14 PM   #8
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If I've had an evening of intelligent conversation, laughs, and a kind of connection, that's a great date. I don't care if it's walking in the park; if I like you, time is what's important.

The right person could take me for a Big Mac, and in fact I'd rather have a Big Mac with someone I kind of loved than a nice meal with so-so. A "gift" should be something that says you've been paying attention. I personally don't enjoy getting cut flowers-take me to a garden, instead, and leave them in the ground. The right person could bring me a bag of M&M's wrapped in a ribbon, and that would be more than any trinket.

Cleanliness of person and vehicle, that I can get behind. Make like you're putting some pride in yourself, and making an effort for me.

It's just me, but I don't like to be asked if you can hold my hand or kiss me. The answer will be no. If things are going well, go for it . But that's just me. I'm not sure where I am on pulling out chairs and opening doors, ordering first-I must be strange, but that's never flipped my switch. Just act naturally-if you're ready to order first, order.

Show me who you are. Tell me about yourself.

I guess I don't want to be treated like "the femme" or "a lady". I mean, don't be rude and crude, of course, but just treat me as you would like to be treated. Just hold my hand and be my friend.
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:30 PM   #9
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I agree...not all dates have to be about the $$ spent, BUT is about the quality time spent...paying attention to her, being courteous, engaging, having impeccable manners, respect for her,(hygiene, neat clothes, etc should always be....whether on a date or not). I agree with the hand holding and/or kiss. Feel her...actually "feel" if there is chemistry...if so, go for it. A nice kiss......and when walking, hold her hand...believe me, you WILL know if she is into you or not! A hand at the small of her back, open doors, and pick a single rose...or a spring boquet. Like one of the posters said, a bag of M & M's, wrapped with a ribbon....says so much (provided she likes M & M's) it isn't about the money spent, it is the thoughts and sincerety behind the date, gift, flower...the fact you put EFFORT and thought into...tailored it specifically to HER! Compliments go a long way! I love to cook, and if she likes, I am amenable to making a nice dinner at home...either at my place or at hers...AND I am very fond of making a nice picnic lunch...OR pick up a "take out" picnic...maybe sushi, strawberries, a bottle of wine...a book of poems to read to her...a blanket..stretch out and look at the clouds...see what shapes you can find....OR a picnic on the beach...lying on the warm sand....watching the sun set...have a bottle of bubbles, or a kite...ENJOY the endeavor....tailored for the two of you....HAVE FUN! ENJOY the time...this is just MHO....anything done with thought and sincerety is always great!!!!
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:45 PM   #10
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i guess too i would gather to say i really like playing pool and am quite good at it and a pool hall would suit me just fine in terms of a date....lol

then again that's me........

i want to be treated like a princess because i am a princess however doesn't that mean doing things i like doing?????

so having led to any sort of date.....a conversation would have had to take place and if you have listened really listened it would be simple i would think...
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Old 07-15-2011, 09:47 PM   #11
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Hmmmm...I think we are missing the focus here: it is about what the femmes would like.

OK, I have written and erased three times. Here it is if it were a first date: I want to be picked up from my front door; don't blow your horn, it does not make me want to run out the door. I want there to be a bit of nervousness, excitement between us because the unknown can happen. I want to look you in the eyes and know that I am safe. I want you to extend your hand as I go to step over the threshold of my door. As we walk together to your car, bend your arm and put my hand there. Open the car door, and offer your hand again. Please note that if your side of the car is locked, I will lean over and unlock it. This is all before the car is even started...My point being, treat me like I am lady, and allow me to treat you like a Gentleman. That is the best gift you can ever offer me.
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:06 PM   #12
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Hmmmm...I think we are missing the focus here: it is about what the femmes would like.
Yes that is my wish: that we hear from the femmes about what they like!
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:13 PM   #13
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Drew, that's a given on how a every woman should be treated in daily life. Great thread...

For me, Im not gonna stop treating a femme right cause weve been on several dates. I want each and every time I take her out to be special. If we end of "dating" and its progressed into a relationship, well the same things I did to "GET HER" are the same things Im gonna do and more once she is mine. It a proven fact. If you treat a woman like a Queen she will treat you like her King every time.

Its sad to think there are femmes out there who dont know what its like to be properly courted.

Just my two cents.
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:55 PM   #14
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OK . I got off track. Here's what a great date looks like to me:

*First, you're right. Clean yourself, your clothes, and the car. If there's even a scintilla of a chance that I'm coming in later on, clean your home.

*Don't pull up into the driveway and honk. I DO want you to come to the door. That's just good manners, date or not.

*I do like an aforementioned personal gift-not a lot of $, but just something that says "I noticed this and thought you'd like it". A friend of mine, whom I'm not even dating, once surprised me with an angel she saw in a store window, and remembered that I love angels, which was just a passing comment. That meant a lot.

*I love nicely flowing conversation; if it's hard to get you talking, that gets awkward.

*Don't blast music or drive like a maniac (have had both)

*Who doesn't like compliments?

*Be honest about your table manners and correct accordingly. This is something I am sticky on.

*Have some conversation topics ready to go, especially on a first date. I for one enjoy controversial topics as long as it doesn't go into "well, you're all wrong" territory.

*I love to finish a date outdoors-a walk in the park, something like that.

That's about it. I don't want to be on a pedestal or the queen. Take me out as you would go out with a friend, because that's what I am, first and foremost.
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Old 07-15-2011, 10:56 PM   #15
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The best dates I've had, regardless of where we've gone, what we've eaten or how much money was spent have had the following qualities...

~My Date's Attention - I feel like I have the attention of my date, no sense of being 'tuned out'.

~Effort - For people I've dated for whom money is not a concern, sometimes coming up with a date idea that does NOT cost money is a huge effort (for example). I just love that feeling that the person I am on a date with has made some sort of unique effort or put energy into the date or the idea of the date - especially if that effort specifically addresses something that they know about me or have learned as we've begun getting to know each other. I find that more creative date ideas are the most memorable, exciting, and truly enjoyable for me.

~Something pretty - Sometimes it's a view. Sometimes it's candles on the table or in the room, or a nearby fireplace. Sometimes it's a sunset. Sometimes it's flowers. Sometimes it's just a nice setting.

~Play - And I mean this in the most innocent of ways (honestly). For me, some element of play is really fantastic on a date. Maybe the other person has a naturally playful personality and says things that make me laugh/giggle, or maybe it's more literal and we play a game of pool, cards, mini golf, or whatever. I love an element of play on a date.

~My Date was comfortable! - Sometimes, with all the energy put into making the other person comfortable/happy or impressing them, one ends up sacrificing their own needs or stepping too far outside their own comfort zones. If you pick a date that you know you'll enjoy too, you're more likely to be relaxed and comfortable - which will put your date at ease! If you're super uncomfortable at fancy restaurants (for example) don't try to impress your date by taking them to one - pick something that you know you can enjoy too. Trust me, if you're uncomfortable - your date will be, too.


One of my favourite dates, was when Sparx surprised me on a weekday at my office - after she'd learned I'd been having a really crummy day. She'd snuck a picnic basket into my car, so when we went to get in the car and head home, She suggested instead that we head to our favourite sunset-gazing spot and have dinner. The really memorable part was that she had packed bread (that she'd baked fresh that day) and all the fixings for sandwiches. The reason she hadn't pre-assembled the sandwiches and had, instead, packed condiments and fixings into individual containers and baggies, was because she knows that I have this thing.... where I like sandwiches to be very very fresh when I eat them... you'll never see me buying a premade sandwich from the deli section -ew. She even thought to pack a side dish and beverages. It was a lovely meal made all the more lovely by the thought, energy, and effort she'd put into making it perfect. And, after we'd watched the sun go down, she walked me to the fancy restaurant in the same park to get coffee and dessert. It was such a lovely and memorable evening.
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Old 07-15-2011, 11:22 PM   #16
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Goof brought flowers, champagne and kitty litter on our first date. I was totally smitten.
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Old 07-16-2011, 11:25 AM   #17
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OK, I am intentionally NOT reading other replies so I may repeat a thought or two...

I have three kids so I fully understand that the budget can get tight and I have no problems with that. Yes, I would love to be swept off my feet, taken to a wonderfully expensive meal etc etc etc. But, life does not always allow for such indulgences.

So, assuming we have a minimal or non-existent budget, let's try something a little more realistic.

* My local art museum accepts donations in lieu of charging admittance and parking is free for museum guests. Personally, I love to go here for a date, I like to see what (if any) art moves someone.

* The local botanical gardens are free and parking is free. They have a variety of gardens from the "Southern Home" garden to the rose garden to the Japanese gardens etc. Lots of pretty and unique things to see, easy to walk with swings and benches and fountains scattered throughout.

* State parks. Usually a small charge to get in but lots of places to walk, spread a blanket and relax, talk and get to know/rediscover each other. And, if you have a Frisbee or soccer ball etc, you can bring it with you.

* Cook for me!!! I am not the greatest cook ever and I love it when someone cooks for me. I am even happy to grocery shop (just provide me a list) and clean up.

* If we go out to eat, please tell me what you are thinking of ordering-I am going to use your order to determine what to get. If you order a $15 pasta dish, I am not going to order $40 in surf & turf. I know, it is weird, but I prefer to stay within the same price range. I don't care who orders first though. But treat the wait staff well! If you treat them badly, this may well be your last date with me.

* Watch a movie with me. I have hundreds of DVDs and I love to curl up with a movie. It is even better when you can make out during part or all of the film.

* Sit on the porch at night with me and talk to me. Point out the brightest stars, tell me stories about when you were little and just enjoy the evening.

* Give me a back rub, a foot rub etc. I am a very tactile person and love a massage. Even better, tell me that my hair is pretty and ask if you can brush it. I will let you brush my hair until your arm falls off-lol.

* Pay attention to me. Ask me questions, SHOW INTEREST in me, and just talk to me. The best thing you can give someone is your attention. Be in the moment. Put the cell phone down, stop texting. I hate it when someone is always texting and they are supposed to be with me. If you are with me then BE WITH ME, not your cell. (Allowances made for texts from kids etc). I want to feel like your priority, not your option.

* Treat me like your grandmother. No really! Open the door, pull out my chair (if you are comfortable doing so), don't make every other word the "four letter" variety. Present yourself cleanly, make sure your car or home is neat (cleaning does not cost anything), use your manners.

* Smell good! In addition to being very tactile, I am also scent driven. Clean is yummy. Sweat on clean is sexy. Sweat on BO-not so much.

* If you want to charm me, then make me feel like a lady. Charm will take you further than flash.

Hope this helps, even a little bit


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Last edited by LaneyDoll; 07-16-2011 at 11:31 AM. Reason: correction of a typo
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Old 07-16-2011, 11:26 AM   #18
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Ok, now I am going back to read what everyone else said

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Old 07-16-2011, 11:53 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LaneyDoll View Post
But treat the wait staff well! If you treat them badly, this may well be your last date with me.
Oh god, exactly!

This one time I went out on a date with a guy because he was postering for the communist party and I struck up a conversation with him about politics (true fact - I will talk to anybody, and I thought "oh neat, a communist. I should talk to him!"). Anyway, the place we went was Sneaky Dee's, which at that time was my favourite place to go (his suggestion). He was SUCH AN INCREDIBLE DOUCHEBAG to the servers, and I was mortified because it was a place that I hung out often enough that I knew most of the people who worked there would recognise me. He actually put his hand in the air and SNAPPED at one juncture and I just about crawled over the table to murder him. (Don't get me started on the hypocrisy of pretending to be a champion of the working person and then treating people who work in the service industry like shit.) I spent a solid month ignoring his phonecalls after that until he gave up.

I also hate when people constantly send their food back. I mean if there is something genuinely wrong (like, if it's cold) that's one thing - but if it's EVERY single time we go out to eat and over stupid reasons then we're going to have an issue. Plus I feel like I can't eat my food until the other person's food is back and I hate when something comes between me and my food.

I'm really weird (maybe not so weird?) about how people behave when they are with me, even friends. If you are obnoxious or have a huge sense of entitlement I'm not going to want to hang out with you. If you make a nuisance of yourself and are demanding of the employees at whatever place we happen to be at (or are unfriendly to them in any way) I will feel humiliated and not want to spend time with you any more.
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Old 07-16-2011, 12:18 PM   #20
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My only rule is don't bore me. Quiet is fine. Simple is fine. But don't actively bore me.

i can't tell you the number of times i've been picked up and then the butch (or femme) got gas, went to an ATM to get cash, didn't know the directions to where we were going, etc. Don't waste my time. Do all that before you pick me up, for god's sake.

i went out on one date, and the butch stopped by at a business to pick out some furniture for a house she owned that she was staging. Took like an hour. i used to buy furniture for a living. It was NOT interesting. Maybe some people would have loved it. This one also talked about her ex and indicated the ex thought she was perhaps on the stalky side. No second date for her.
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