Struggling to come to terms......

[Strappie]

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

[Soft*Silver]

I love the idea, Strappie! I personally have been on an incredible journey of self discovery all of my life. I have labeled myself many things, and each time I grew into familiarity with the label I owned, I stretched further and found another. I am a lesbian but who is now with a male who was born male but desires to be female. I once was sure, completely sure, I could not be with a femme, yet the man (his choice of term) I am with is a femme. We are not heterosexual. We are in a Femme Lead lifestyle. I am so completely different than the heterosexual girl my parents assumed I was! And I am older...at 55 I have seen many changes in the LGBT community. The most significant change being the internet, and how it has greatly influenced us individuals and as a community in coming out and being comfortable with who we are. So yes, here on the Planet IS a wonderful place to start or join in, on the path of discovery and acceptance

[blush]

As in a late-bloomer thread? Awesome!

[Strappie]

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

[Queerasfck]

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

[blush]

Originally Posted by Strappie

So some things are that I think some would like to know is...

At what age did you start to come to terms with things (meaning started to think things were different and needed possibly a lifestyle change?).....

What was your situation at that time.... married or single

What gender were you with at that time...

What were some of the hard thought struggles...

Great questions I'm going to ponder and answer later!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Strappie

I was wondering if we as a community could help others out that are new and or are discovering themselves in the coming to terms with coming out or that they are wondering if they would even label themselves gay, bi or lesbian. Some may not even consider those labels because they feel its the person they are attracted to. Can you tell a story of what types of struggles you encountered. Such as; were you single at the time, dating men, married to a man... etc. Also did you have struggles with coming to terms with whether or not you even thought of yourself as gay, bi or lesbian in that process.

I was reading an article the other day. I was shocked to be so blind to the struggles that some people have gone through. Some were married to men and some were single and dating men. All their struggles shocked me. I was so blind to the struggles that they had gone through. Because I knew at an early age and a lot of these women were much older (35-50) coming to terms with it. Some had been married for 10 to 25yrs. Some had married 2 and 3 times and never understood why they weren't fully happy.

I'm hoping you all could help some new people out. I know that there are many people that come on to this site and other sites searching for some answers. I think the Planet is a good place for those people lurking in the back ground to find a safe place to know that they are NOT A LONE!

Strappie, thanks for posting this thread. I really related to a lot of what you said, about struggling to find one's "truth". let alone to figure out how to identify.

I am one of those women who was much older when I came out. I knew I was attracted to other women/females early on, but I had such a low self-esteem about my own sexuality, such a distorted view of what I was feeling/believing, then throw all the shame and humiliation that my family threw in along with my Church, well, it is a wonder I didn't go mad! I got married for the first time at the age of 16, mostly just to get the hell out of my horrific homelife. First marriage lasted 27 yrs, then I was into another relationship with another man. By that time, I knew inside that something was really wrong, that I was settling for something other than my truth, but I was still too scared to really face that truth. To accept that truth. To claim that truth. What would that mean to my kids and grandkids, my other bio family, my friends, my work?

Finally, the years of accepting OTHER PEOPLE'S truth instead of and for my own, wore me down. I was losing myself, almost to the point of no return.

For ME, each time that I moved towards finding and accepting my OWN truth, it was really like the proverbial peeling of the onion layer. When I met the woman who became my first partner, the feelings I experienced were like nothing I had ever felt before. And == I == felt like nothing I had ever felt before! I could breathe. I felt HOME.

There were still struggles, the latest in trying to come to terms with identifying as a Femme. (and whether someone who looked like ME, or was like ME, could even BE a Femme!) It has all been an on-going process of learning. But the really neat part is, that learning has been fascinating, has been difficult at times, has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined!

Places like here at the Planet have been key to that learning, for me. It is embarrasing to admit that you just don't know something, but everyone here has been so very kind and helpful. When I learn something myself, I feel almost an obligation to pass that lesson on to the next person.

Thank you, again, Strappie!

[Strappie]

What I also discovered in this article is that for the most part there is so much research and books about butch and transgenders but very little about feminine women. I guess I took it for granted. Again I was shocked to have read some of the struggles that they had gone through.

I know personally I have dated many fem women that came out late in life. I took it for granted that it was just natural for them to "come out" because it was easier for fem's then say a butch. I admit I am totally wrong.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

[blush]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Strappie, thanks for posting this thread. I really related to a lot of what you said, about struggling to find one's "truth". let alone to figure out how to identify.

I am one of those women who was much older when I came out. I knew I was attracted to other women/females early on, but I had such a low self-esteem about my own sexuality, such a distorted view of what I was feeling/believing, then throw all the shame and humiliation that my family threw in along with my Church, well, it is a wonder I didn't go mad! I got married for the first time at the age of 16, mostly just to get the hell out of my horrific homelife. First marriage lasted 27 yrs, then I was into another relationship with another man. By that time, I knew inside that something was really wrong, that I was settling for something other than my truth, but I was still too scared to really face that truth. To accept that truth. To claim that truth. What would that mean to my kids and grandkids, my other bio family, my friends, my work?

Finally, the years of accepting OTHER PEOPLE'S truth instead of and for my own, wore me down. I was losing myself, almost to the point of no return.

For ME, each time that I moved towards finding and accepting my OWN truth, it was really like the proverbial peeling of the onion layer. When I met the woman who became my first partner, the feelings I experienced were like nothing I had ever felt before. And == I == felt like nothing I had ever felt before! I could breathe. I felt HOME.

There were still struggles, the latest in trying to come to terms with identifying as a Femme. (and whether someone who looked like ME, or was like ME, could even BE a Femme!) It has all been an on-going process of learning. But the really neat part is, that learning has been fascinating, has been difficult at times, has been filled with more joy than I could have ever imagined!

Places like here at the Planet have been key to that learning, for me. It is embarrasing to admit that you just don't know something, but everyone here has been so very kind and helpful. When I learn something myself, I feel almost an obligation to pass that lesson on to the next person.

Thank you, again, Strappie!

Thank you for your story. I admit when I read that article I cried. The struggles that fem's go through was so beyond my thoughts. I never knew that you all went through those things. How dumb was I to think it was a cake walk for you.

I think coming to terms with things is a life time process. I think we constantly change, a constant DISCOVERY of who we are. I know who I am but I consistently grow and tweak who I am and what I stand for.

I do know and have heard the term "I'm Home" my past partners that were str8 and came out had all said the same thing. "I'm finally home"

Thank you for sharing... I hope you can add more to the thread.

[Queerasfck]

Originally Posted by Strappie

Dear Buzz kill....

If this thread saves one LIFE because they feel like they have no place else to go but 6 feet under... then THANK YOU ALL FOR stepping forward and telling your story!!!

I personally have known many people that came online to research and read stories of others to take that journey of DISCOVERING who they are...

The answers this can give someone may lie in ONE post...

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.

Originally Posted by blush

This was not my experience at all. If you live in a small community or simply don't know where or how to find resources or people, online communities are a viable resource.

Very good point Blush.

[clay]

Excellent thread, Strappie!! I have started mine, but my eyes are tired...I am "old"...lol..so have cut n pasted mine to save and will be back later to post it..thanks, my friend..we can always learn...no matter what our ages or lot in life or place we are at, right? I know I can, and do!!! Daily!!!

[Goofy]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

Sharing stories about one's own experiences isn't necessarily "advice."

I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Maybe so Strappie, maybe so. All I'm saying is that it is possible that someone might need additional help and or support. That's all I meant. Definitely people here have stories to tell and there are many threads that have coming out stories in them. I also think sometimes it's just as therapeutic for us to tell our stories as it would be for some newbie to read it. I would think it's best to have a balance in the coming out process of an online community and the real time world if possible.

Very good point Blush.

I don't disagree with you about additional help. You said it your self... Baby steps... this thread could be a baby step in their discovery. Some people may not have the resources or funds to get the help they would like to get. Not everyone is fortunate like us to have a job and insurance to pay for those resources.

[blush]

Originally Posted by Queerasfck

Not to be a buzz kill, as I do agree it's nice to find other people "like you" when you are first trying to come out or find your way. But honestly, sometimes the path of self discovery and acceptance is not easy for some and it can take years and years of baby steps. Because of the world we live in--I'm sure we've all seen a lot of brothers and sisters suffering with self-hate, living in fear of family members, friends, employers finding out they are gay, bi, trans, queer, whatever/however they i.d. moreover, sometimes because of the journey and what it entails people get depressed, angry, withdrawn, and even worse. The online community is important. I just feel like sometimes people who are struggling need more and many of the answers they are looking for can't be found in the frivolity of surfing around online. Advice found online could be like a band-aid for someone who has a bullet wound.
Giving our perspectives and sharing our stories is great but I don't know what kind of answers it could give anyone who is really lost.

I have to say, I get twitchy when you paint online interactions as "frivolous." It certainly can be. But I just spent a weekend with real time friends who started as online acquaintances. When I came out, I did therapy. I did baby steps. I talked to straight and lesbian folks. But my debt of gratitude is to the frivolous websites and the heart stopping stories of those that went before me.

[genghisfawn]

Struggling with identity and how one fits into queer spaces is something I suspect everyone who isn't completely het, cis and vanilla has dealt with. I came out at 14 and got involved in my community, thus avoiding a deep depression and the suicide I'd threatened. When I was 21, I met a straight, cisgendered man and fell madly in love... but I never relented in how I IDed, and he, being a respectful, loving person (unicorn?) never objected and comfortably coexisted with my friends and community through respect and questions, questions, questions. We didn't last due to a lack of staying power, but what I took away from that is that there are so many ways of being that belong to what is queer, and that only a person hirself can truly identify hirself.

It's okay to be queer and accept the incredible complexity of being a person with a body, heart, mind and spirit... All of these things require care and respect. I hope anyone reading this thread who needs it comes away with an understanding that ze is the architect of hir own self and presentation, and whatever that happens to be is worthy of care.

[Strappie]

Originally Posted by Goofy

Sharing stories about one's own experiences isn't necessarily "advice."

I was on active duty in the Army and stationed in Germany for a few years. Searching for and finding answers to questions I had any place other than the internet simply wasn't an option for me. I happened upon the dash site and reading people's experiences and struggles, some so very much like my own, gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't alone, hope that there were others like me. Hope that I might find someone who would love me for who I am, and who I could love in return. I could go on, but I think I'll save that for another time.

I'll come back later and share my experiences in the hope that it may help someone else, in the way those older posts helped me.

I love you for who you are goofy!! ~just saying...

I do remember you from the old days. However, I didn't know the struggles you went through. We all have a story to tell and I think it's good to express them.

[Strappie]

I'm off to bed for tonight... thank you all for all that you do for each other here on the Planet. You have no idea what this place has meant to me and so many others too! Education is a huge part of this community.


Good night

[Breathless]

Great thread! When i first was coming to terms, and accepting that i wasn't a freak for the thoughts that were running through my head and heart, i found a book. It was called 'From Wedded Wife to Lesbian Life' I dont remember the author, and have since passed on my copy to someone else who was struggling. It was a collection of coming out stories, and the love that followed. It really helped me

I was 26, married to a man, with 2.2 children and a white picket fence. Yet I could not survive another day feeling like i was living a lie.