I need some advice!!!

[FlowerFem]

I've been dating a wonderful person for over a month now. She is sort of butch for the most part, short hair , unisex clothes mostly. But she doesn't get the butch/femme dynamics. She doesn't like to be called butch , things like that. She is very kind and sweet, and she makes me laugh, and makes me feel good. She always compliments me, tells me I'm pretty, she says she doesn't know how she deserves someone like me. She is not bad looking to me , she has a good job, and she is a bit older than me, and she has been single for a while, so no ugly ex's hanging around. Here's my problem. I don't know if there is something wrong with me, but I just don't think I'm as into her as she is me. And I'm not sure if maybe I was just attracted to her attraction for me, or maybe she is going to fast, saying and doing too much. Maybe it's that she's not butch enough. If I were to list all her good points , people would think she was perfect for me. I can't really think of any bad points, I mean nothing I would consider "bad". So I finally meet someone who seems to be what I was searching for , but I think I'm forcing myself to feel something that I am not sure I really do deep down. It's fun to be with her and we talk about everything, she is very smart, seems strong, all things that I love. I know I will tell her how I feel I won't lead her on, but first I need to be sure of how I feel. The first time she told me she loved me, I was surprised, we had only dated for a little more than a week. But at the same time, it felt really good to hear someone say that. I am attracted to her, I love her kisses , and ya know being intimate is always very nice, very exciting . I don't know , is there something wrong with me? Has anyone ever felt like this? Maybe someone can give me some advice? Thank you for any input you may have.

[violaine]

i would not think anything at all is 'wrong' with your getting to know people, checking in with feelings/thoughts, having fun, and taking your time in doing so, FlowerFem.

all the best,
belle

[JustJo]

Originally Posted by FlowerFem

I've been dating a wonderful person for over a month now. She is sort of butch for the most part, short hair , unisex clothes mostly. But she doesn't get the butch/femme dynamics. She doesn't like to be called butch , things like that. She is very kind and sweet, and she makes me laugh, and makes me feel good. She always compliments me, tells me I'm pretty, she says she doesn't know how she deserves someone like me. She is not bad looking to me , she has a good job, and she is a bit older than me, and she has been single for a while, so no ugly ex's hanging around. Here's my problem. I don't know if there is something wrong with me, but I just don't think I'm as into her as she is me. And I'm not sure if maybe I was just attracted to her attraction for me, or maybe she is going to fast, saying and doing too much. Maybe it's that she's not butch enough. If I were to list all her good points , people would think she was perfect for me. I can't really think of any bad points, I mean nothing I would consider "bad". So I finally meet someone who seems to be what I was searching for , but I think I'm forcing myself to feel something that I am not sure I really do deep down. It's fun to be with her and we talk about everything, she is very smart, seems strong, all things that I love. I know I will tell her how I feel I won't lead her on, but first I need to be sure of how I feel. The first time she told me she loved me, I was surprised, we had only dated for a little more than a week. But at the same time, it felt really good to hear someone say that. I am attracted to her, I love her kisses , and ya know being intimate is always very nice, very exciting . I don't know , is there something wrong with me? Has anyone ever felt like this? Maybe someone can give me some advice? Thank you for any input you may have.

Hi Flower

No disrespect intended, but it sounds to me like you like and want the attention, so you're accepting what she offers. However, it doesn't sound like it's her you want...but rather the attention, fun, etc. that she's giving you.

I've known people who "love to be in love" ...so they go there right away...without paying too much attention to who the other person is. In my view, that's always a big mistake.

Let me ask you this...if she wasn't showering you with all of this attention...would you be chasing after her, hoping to catch her eye? It doesn't sound like it.

If it was really her that you wanted, I don't think you'd be saying the items that I highlighted in red.

Just my 2 cents...but I think that if she's in love with you, and you're feeling pretty indifferent to her other than the attention and fun...then you owe her the truth about that. You might still choose to date and have fun....but I wouldn't be "forcing myself to feel" anything with anyone.

[Mister Bent]

I'm not really sure what the question is.

You're just not that into her.

When there is a connection, you know. You don't have to be "in love" with everyone you date. Every dating situation doesn't have to lead to a relationship.

But we seem to forget that in this here "community."

I vote for being straight up and recognizing that she might walk. Or, maybe she'll be happy just to date. Like people do.

It could happen.

Good luck!

[little_ms_sunshyne]

I don't know if I can help...but I will give you my two cents.

I dated a few people prior to my relationship now. Although, they were absolutely wonderful...The chemistry was just not there. I eventually started dating someone who I thought I kinda liked. Similar situation. They had great qualities, so I went on a few more dates. But nothing seemed to change that there was nothing there. When I met T, my world change. I was slapped in the face with feelings I had never felt before. I met someone that made me want to be a better person. The feelings that I once thought were "love" paled in comparison. It scared the crap out of me that it happened so fast!

So what I am trying to say is....There isn't anything wrong with you. Sometimes things just dont work out the way you think that they should. Chemisty or Energy is off. Which can be frustrating, but when you finally get to the place that you are meant to be, you are extremely grateful that the road led you there.

I guess I am one of those hopeless romantics that believes in Fate and those moments of Serendipity

Good Luck I hope you get to where you are meant to be soon!

[FlowerFem]

Thank you everyone for your input. I am mulling over all the good advice. JustJo I totally agree with you, it's pretty much what I've been thinking , but I needed to hear somone else say it. Thank you.

[Tcountry]

everyone does things differently...but...
Love/feelings should be natural...if u have to question it then it is probably not there...
Go with ur gut feelings...they r usually right...

[Glenn]

ezgo with your gut feelings here darlin. First, You're staring at a big ol red flag if they move in too fast. Second, Dating without a committment is just using someone (I'm OFOS) I recommend cutting off all contact, but giving her the "it's not you it's me speech." She'll be hurt, but better than prolonging the inevitable. Don't string her around for attention...not cool..Just step away.

Originally Posted by Tcountry

everyone does things differently...but...
Love/feelings should be natural...if u have to question it then it is probably not there...
Go with ur gut feelings...they r usually right...

[TickledPink]

You said it, you are just not that into her. That's ok! But, just don't lead her on, that's NOT ok.

My 2 pennies,
Pinky

[MsDemeanor]

Sounds like what might be missing for you is the "dance" of butch-femme. That can be a very powerful, and if that dynamic is part of your base attraction to someone, then you'll always feel something missing in this relationship. Too bad she dropped the "L" bomb, otherwise you might be able to have a lets-have-fun-but-lets-not-get-serious relationship.

[DomnNC]

Originally Posted by FlowerFem

The first time she told me she loved me, I was surprised, we had only dated for a little more than a week.

I don't know about anyone else but if someone told me that they loved me and we'd only dated a lil more than a week, which means a date or two at the most, I'd be gone so fast she'd not know what the heck happened. That's a big ole red flag to me.

[Goo]

Originally Posted by DomnNC

I don't know about anyone else but if someone told me that they loved me and we'd only dated a lil more than a week, which means a date or two at the most, I'd be gone so fast she'd not know what the heck happened. That's a big ole red flag to me.

I agree...it sounds like a big ole' red flag....Sounds like this woman wants much more of a commitment than you're ready for. Be careful

[asphaltcowboi]

umm i think i would tell her exactly what you have posted... it tells your feelings from every angle..for me being direct and honest has always worked best. sharing mixed feelings with the person they stem from only seems fair to both.

[iamkeri1]

OK I have a completely different take on this.

Why can't you just date this person you really like and just have fun?

Tell her you think its too early for her to say she loves you. Hopefully you have not said it back. Every relationship doesn't have to be about eternal love.

And just saying, if you can talk to this woman and tell her everything, that is very powerful, and something you won't find in everyone. Develop the friendship, you may end up deciding you feel more for her as time goes on. If not, you have developed a friendship that may be important to you for years.

Above all, do not lead her on. Lies hurt more that the hardest truth.

Good luck sweetie.
Smooches,
Keri

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by FlowerFem

I've been dating a wonderful person for over a month now. She is sort of butch for the most part, short hair , unisex clothes mostly. But she doesn't get the butch/femme dynamics. She doesn't like to be called butch , things like that. She is very kind and sweet, and she makes me laugh, and makes me feel good. She always compliments me, tells me I'm pretty, she says she doesn't know how she deserves someone like me. She is not bad looking to me , she has a good job, and she is a bit older than me, and she has been single for a while, so no ugly ex's hanging around. Here's my problem. I don't know if there is something wrong with me, but I just don't think I'm as into her as she is me. And I'm not sure if maybe I was just attracted to her attraction for me, or maybe she is going to fast, saying and doing too much. Maybe it's that she's not butch enough. If I were to list all her good points , people would think she was perfect for me. I can't really think of any bad points, I mean nothing I would consider "bad". So I finally meet someone who seems to be what I was searching for , but I think I'm forcing myself to feel something that I am not sure I really do deep down. It's fun to be with her and we talk about everything, she is very smart, seems strong, all things that I love. I know I will tell her how I feel I won't lead her on, but first I need to be sure of how I feel. The first time she told me she loved me, I was surprised, we had only dated for a little more than a week. But at the same time, it felt really good to hear someone say that. I am attracted to her, I love her kisses , and ya know being intimate is always very nice, very exciting . I don't know , is there something wrong with me? Has anyone ever felt like this? Maybe someone can give me some advice? Thank you for any input you may have.

I have to agree with what DomnNC says below. One week? Seriously? At that point, I would have either taken several steps back or I would have sat her down and had a come to Jesus meeting with her.

Maybe she is lovely and feels things very quickly, but I think you should let her know that she's awesome and you enjoy the time you spend together, but you're not in it for the long haul. If she's okay with having fun at this point, I'd say goood for you, but keep your eyes open. Just from what you've said about her, she might be saying that to keep you close with secret hopes of changing your mind. Or I could be blowing smoke out my tush. Not likely, but anything's possible, right?

So, be honest with her but be smart too. Good luck.

Originally Posted by DomnNC

I don't know about anyone else but if someone told me that they loved me and we'd only dated a lil more than a week, which means a date or two at the most, I'd be gone so fast she'd not know what the heck happened. That's a big ole red flag to me.

P.S.~I think I know what you meant and that you meant no harm in saying it, but it's generally not a good idea to go around saying someone is or is not 'butch enough'. It's bad form as well as perpetuates ridiculous hierarchies within our community.

[FlowerFem]

Thank you so much for all your advice! this has helped me emensely.