Rethinking our partner wishlists. Is it "settling" or adjusting to reality?

[storyspinner70]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I've taken the word "list of requirements" to mean "boundaries and knowing what you need and can't take in a relationship."

If someone didn't have a list of boundaries and needs I wouldn't go near them with someone else's barge pole.

Or am I misunderstanding the term "list"

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

[BullDog]

I have plenty of qualities that I like in a partner, boundaries, and the obvious things I wouldn't tolerate- drug abuse, dishonesty, etc, but I never had a whole list of things that someone had to meet or must meet 7 out of 10 or something. Obviously there are things that are really important and deal breakers, but really it's the interplay with someone- the chemistry, communication and how our qualities and values work together that tells me whether someone is potentially a good partner or not for me. I also could have never figured out in advance many of the ways that my partner and I click in addition to the things that I really wanted and needed in a partner. So I do think it is good to be clear on what you want and need, but not too rigid or you could miss out on someone special- however to each their own.

One other thing, in the opening post it talked about people perhaps "settling" or just deciding to go for comfortable co-existence because they were having a hard time finding someone who would meet all of their criteria. Why not just cultivate good friendships instead of thinking you have to compromise when it comes to a partner? They would still have the companionship wouldn't they? That's the part I really don't get.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by storyspinner70

That really depends on the person, I think. I took it as those people who have actual limiting lists of mostly wants but even some needs. I have a friend, for example, who won't even consider short men. Ever. That's the kind of thing I think of.

Everyone has preferences. Everyone has the things they like. But to me, if you aren't open to people - even those that are different than what you want - and yes, even to some degree, what you think you need - then you're missing out on a an entire spectrum of people that could be some of the greatest joy in your life.

Should you know what you want and need? Most definitely. Should it be so finite and set in stone that you won't consider someone because they don't meet every single one of them? No. Maybe not even the majority of them, frankly. People are all different. And I've never believed in a soul mate - that perfect other half. I believe in the flaws of people. I believe in the realism of love. I believe it's messy and ugly sometimes. I believe it's always worth it.

My butch, for example, is horrible at giving me attention, and let me tell you, I can be a needy bitch. It's one of the main things I need. So, I have to ask her for it. So I have to tell her to pay attention to me when I need it. It's annoying sometimes. It's frustrating. Everything else she does for me makes up for that. So do I miss out on everything about her because she doesn't meet one of my major needs? No. I don't. I adjust. She adjusts. We live happy - we fight and we want to kill each other sometimes - but we live happy. And that's the thing - your happiness. That's what matters. If you happen to find it with someone you never thought you would then awesome!

So, to me, the only thing that should ever be set in stone is the horrible things you won't take - abuse, real neglect, cheating if that's a no no for you, etc. Everything else is a potential block to your happiness.

I say, for example, that I'd never date anyone with a horrible voice. That's just as bad. If my butch sounded like a squeaky toy I'd have missed out on almost four years of joy, and that would really have been a shame.

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

[Violette]

Originally Posted by imperfect_cupcake

I don't think we are talking about the same things. I'm talking about through expereince in life of being extremely open to pretty much everything, knowing what hurts me as a person and doesn't add to who I am. What actually makes my life far more difficult and can make me ill. Many of those things will be perfectly tolerable to someone else. It's ok for me to have needs I've found through trial and error over 32 years of relationships. It doesn't make me a closed off person that misses out. It makes me a healthy person that respects my needs and limits. I'm 46. I've been challenged in relationships before and had to figure out how to make it work, I'm not 23. I understand the concept of effort, developing parts of self and meeting challenges.

But I've also learned that respecting my needs has made me far happier than putting my needs aside to stay in a relationship or be so open I was made of needs less and wantless vapour. I have a history of codependency. That means I had to learn that it's ok to have needs and wants. I'm coming from the *other* extreme. Not the extreme of lists like Kobi talks about. The extreme of nothing.

I'm trying to assert here, that learning that it's perfectly OK to have needs that are non negotiable is ok. And that having wants is ok. As women, many of us didn't learn that growing up. And finding that it's ok to have them is pretty damn important.

Like I said in my other posts - I came from being extremely open and had to learn things like: I'm a sub, I can't be with another sub. I also can't be with another femme in a long term relationship. I need lots of personal space. I deeply value my independence and need someone who isn't going to constantly chaLange me on that or I'll get depressed. I stuggle with atypical depression so my mental health comes before my partner. I need someone who will respect that I need time to care for myself. And that means leaving me the fuck alone for a while without argument. I cannot cope with people who are capricious and moody. Stuff like that. Needs. Some people are great with things I can't cope with. It's taken me literally decades to figure it out.

And it's healthy and ok to have those needs.

Yes Yes Yes! Thank you, IC.

Grocery lists and understanding yourself well enough to know what is healthy for you and what is not are two separate things. We all have irreconcilable differences in all of our relationships if we go deep enough. And some of those are, or become too, unhealthy for one or both of the partners. Others are things/qualities you can live with. That's what time together reveals.

[kittygrrl]

let me clarify..bells & whistles=all the things I need and want..not so much a list..more what inspires me to feel loved.. boundaries...
are another thing entirely. (imo)

[Blade]

Originally Posted by Blade

Great topic Kobi! I'll have to think on the rest of the questions but the answer to this last one is....If there is an age I haven't reached it yet. I'm sure there is an age, but I have no idea what age it is or is close to.

Five years later and now in my 50's, I still haven't reached that age yet. The only things I can think of that has changed is that my partner needs to be local. Not like within 10 miles but fairly local. The other thing is I've come to terms with the idea that I may never be partnered and thats ok with me too. I'd like to be, but I do understand that my wish list is quite specific

[Chad]

I have adjusted my wishlist many times and it gets shorter everytime. I don't think it is settling to adjust your wishlist. I think as we mature we figure out what works and does not work for us as individuals. I will keep trying until I am successful.

[JDeere]

Originally Posted by Chad

I have adjusted my wishlist many times and it gets shorter everytime. I don't think it is settling to adjust your wishlist. I think as we mature we figure out what works and does not work for us as individuals. I will keep trying until I am successful.

I am right there with ya Chad, I am gonna keep trying, as well.