Attraction = physical, mental, emotional...

[SassyLeo]

This weekend, my sweetie and I were talking about attraction.

On Friday night we had gone out to a local queer event and both of us had dressed up. If you were to see us together, I think most would immediately identify us as a butch-femme couple in the stereotypical appearance – I am feminine and she is more masculine. However she does not identify as butch. She is quite passionate about NOT labeling herself.

Again, I know not all of us fit or appear in the f/m roles…but I am speaking more broadly.

So she said to me the next day “You looked so pretty last night”. And of course it felt wonderful to hear that. I said thank you…she smiled and said “I looked pretty too” We kind of laughed about it and then I said, “Well, yes, however that is not the word I would have used to describe what I thought.” She said with her eyebrow cocked, “…are you thinking of a masculine word?” (which is kind of triggering for her) And I said, “Well, I was thinking more like cute, adorable, sexy…” She liked those

So we started talking about what attracted us to each other. We met sort of online (through LJ-thanks Lips!) and exchanged some emails and read each others LJ before meeting. When I first saw her waiting outside the restaurant, I thought she was really cute, but honestly was just trying to make new friends since moving to PDX. She asked if I would be attracted to her if she appeared more feminine…and I said, probably not. Not that I would not think she was an attractive person, but I am traditionally more attracted to female bodied/identifying but not feminine appearing women. She, on the other hand, has dated all over the map…and is one of the only people I truly know who does not base her attraction in any way by their appearance. At least this is how she sees it.

One time I told her many of the things I loved about her (not appearance based) and the added bonus was that she was very cute. She said her added bonus (of me) was that I was hygienically correct

So I got to thinking. Would I have been attracted to her if she was more feminine appearing? At one time, she had really long died blonde hair. She has always dressed in mostly men’s clothes (at least the past 10-15 years or so) and had short hair for the last 7 or 8. But her hair varies, sometimes shorter/longer. How much of my interest initially, was solely based in her more masculine appearance? I got to know her and liked so much more, obviously… but if she looked more feminine would I have even thought about dating her? And missed out on knowing and loving her? Am I shallow for having some of my initial attracted based on her appearance? I struggle so much with not wanting to take part in the f/m stereotype…but am I doing just that?

I’d love to hear your ideas, thoughts, experiences…