PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

So he treats your mother as bad as he does you?

I often wonder why my mother stayed with my father. The church I guess?

I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

My mother died, but what you say makes complete sense and I grew up pretty similarly to you it sounds like. I am 46. S excited to meet you when you come to town.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

My mother died, but what you say makes complete sense and I grew up pretty similarly to you it sounds like. I am 46. S excited to meet you when you come to town.

I am sorry to hear about your mom...my mother died too...and we werent very close at all..as a matter of fact she is part of my PTSD...both of us girls...were far from her faviourite and she let us know on a daily basis...!!!! I hope you didnt have the same issues w your mom!!!

[Andrew, Jr.]

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught.

I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

[Andrew, Jr.]

Yea, I think it is much easier to keep peace than go against the waves. You're right about that one!

[PearlsNLace]

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

[Jet]

When my trauma occurred, my mother flew in from California to take care of me. She took care of my apartment, car, bills and sat in the hospital with me until my release. There was no one like her as being a terrific mother and friend to me. As I relive and reprocess my trauma, after 17 years, thinking of her being there helps with this purging and reliving process today. These days, I think of her often as I remember what happened. It helps to sooth the pain.

My father and stepmother were also there and so were my friends.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by PearlsNLace

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

It is through this experience that I filter my anger through. In this context, I dont know what options my mom had. I really do believe that she did the best she could with the information she had at the time. I dont know if that might work for anyone else- I wish you healing and peace on your own journeys.

My sister and I talk about my mom ....my sister is 11 years older than myself...so she remembers mom when she was kinda nice...but we think she had some boarderline personality disorder...but who knows....she could flip like a pancake on sunday morning...omg...it could be a nightmare at times. I used to say that "my mom did the best with what she had." I also would say, "well she did us the way her mom did her." My grandmom was a bitch on wheels..she hated us too...and wasnt quiet about it....she love my cousins...adored them to pieces....to the point where if we were all down there for the summer together...she would feed my cousins first and IF....and i mean IF there was anything left...we could have it...we being my baby brother and myself (he's 18months younger) I dont know...maybe they both did the best they knew how....of course I am not so sure how that relates to the many times my GM almost killed me when i was a baby...and yet my mother kept taking me back there...go figure. I dont hate my mother anymore....she is dead...and that is that...sometimes...i miss a mom....my friends mothers seemed to always take me in as their own....my friends always saw her for what she was....i guess where my mom is concerned I will always feel dead inside. Perhaps its better that way.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Ms Cyn

Andrew.. Do you still have contact with this person?

Actually, that is a question I often wonder... Do people keep their abusers in their life.. and if so.. why?

*Not just idle curiousity... I just go the other way.. I handle things by dissociation *

Right now My father is in My life mostly because I live at home right now, and trying to get away from him in "his" house is next to impossible. Sometimes I've wanted to just tell him to f**k off and leave us all alone (My, My sister and My mom) but I just never seem to get the courage to do so

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I am 46 and just now learning not to care.

I think learning this at any age is a big step!!!!!

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Oh, my father is mean, nasty, and has a razor sharp tongue. It doesn't matter if he knows you or not. He just says whatever he is thinking to whomever. It is very embarassing at times. He is very sick mentally.

Alot of this sounds WAY too familiar, as My father can be the exact same way. He will say whatever he wants to, anytime that he wants to and will not hesitate to speak his mind even if he is a complete jackass about it. He is always right and everyone else is wrong (or braind dead); he will tell you exactly what he thinks of you even if he has only just met you and will judge you based on anything (religion, looks etc). He treats My mom and both us kids like we're pieces of dirt; he has called My poor sweet 12 yr old autistic sister fat, lazy, retarded etc, he is very condescending and is all about him ........... of course I could go on, but why? I think you all get the picture

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I think...that ppl stay in an abusive relationship for many reasons...including the church. Also I think when abuse is all you know...there is a comfort there that is hard to break away from. You know what to expect, you know how to behave, you know how to protect yourself and what the particular buttons are to avoid. Its comfort in knowing how to be or how to exist. It is taking me a long time of trying to believe friends when they pay me a compliment because...I feel so unworthy of kindness and good ppl. I am so used to knowing how to behave and talk , walk, dress be what was expected of me...just so i could survive. I wonder if perhaps this isnt true for your mom? If you think about it..and I dont know how old you are to begin to guess how old your mom is...but my mom was born in the 30"s and they were taught to do what the husband tells you to...that you suck it up and never complain. Family secrets are to remain as secrets and you "never aire your dirty laundry" god how many times I have heard that in my life! I was raised with the same mentality...I was told over and over again..."you dont have to know how to do (this or that) because you will have a husband and he will take care of those things." Like oh how to start and maintain a checking account. How to get a car fixed or what to ask to do so...how to budget money, how to fill a gas tank. Hummmmmm <looking around> there aint any husband here...or even a hym for that matter. My brother on the other hand was taken aside and taught all of these things ad many more....just trying to point out how parent influence us and their parents influenced them. Just a thought! hope it helps a bit

It is very hard to break away from an abusive relationship when its all you've ever known. My mom has been with My father for 15 yrs and has talked so many times about leaving him but never has. She says its because of My sister and while I partly believe that its true, part of Me doesn't believe that and I just know that she'll never leave him no matter how abusive he is

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

I'm very lucky that My mom does stand up for My dad for herself as well as Me and My sister, but I also know that he is so good at cutting someone down that no matter how good you are at sticking up for yourself, he will knock you down everytime and I've seen My mom close to a heart attack and suicide because of his actions!!

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I agree Andrew...and I could say the same out my dad not standing up to my mom over us girls....I think both parents should do what is in their power to protect their children.....my mom was not kind at all to my father either...so he was beaten down w us girls...but he did nothing to stop it even when it was right in his face literally....I think sometimes...some parents just try to keep the peace and not make things worse for anyone...including themselves. Not that its right...just saying that is what i think

My mom used to always keep the peace, until one say she just stood upto him and continues to do so to this day .......... she's pretty cool

Originally Posted by PearlsNLace

I really can understand the anger for moms not standing up for their kids.

What allows me to have any relationship with my mother, even though she did not protect me, is this: I dont think my mom saw that horror as abnormal. I think it was so normal to her, that even though on one hand, she knew it was aweful, for her it was also inevitable. I really think it was hard for her to relate to my dad because he was NOT horrible. For Mom, she kept waiting for the shoe to drop, and bad things start to happen. When it didnt, she began to unravel and be horrible just for things to feel on even keel for her messed up fragile psychotic brain to process as "safe". This will probably make no sense unless you have delt with people who have schitzophrenia and personality disorders like my momma does.

I'm very sorry to hear about all that your mom has had to endure in her lifetime ~ I hope that things will improve for her

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I am sorry to hear about your mom...my mother died too...and we werent very close at all..as a matter of fact she is part of my PTSD...both of us girls...were far from her faviourite and she let us know on a daily basis...!!!! I hope you didnt have the same issues w your mom!!!

She died when I was 13. I still miss her and in therapy we are working on trauma around her death right now. Yesterday I was so nauseated and heachy, we had to stop therapy. She was my angel, though If she would have left my father she would likely still be here now at 83.

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

I adore and love my mother dearly. However, I am 46 yo and lost a lot of respect for her because she refused to stand up to my father, and protect her children. I believe a mother - no matter what the situation is - should always be there for their kids. That is the one thing I can't say for my mother. She chose her husband over her kids. All the time. Each and every time.

Life is not easy. It is a challenge. It is not for extra credit. Extending a hand is not something that a mother should have to be taught.

I wonder about that too. So sorry this happened to you Andrew.

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

When my trauma occurred, my mother flew in from California to take care of me. She took care of my apartment, car, bills and sat in the hospital with me until my release. There was no one like her as being a terrific mother and friend to me. As I relive and reprocess my trauma, after 17 years, thinking of her being there helps with this purging and reliving process today. These days, I think of her often as I remember what happened. It helps to sooth the pain.

My father and stepmother were also there and so were my friends.

I am so glad you had them all to support you and help you.

[Apocalipstic]

I am just so glad we have all made it this far. It is a miracle really.

[Andrew, Jr.]

It is a miracle. By the grace of God I know I made it thru. I was homeless. I know what it was like to be hungry, cold, fithly dirty, and needing love. I know rejection and abandonment. In fact, that is why I am so sensitive today. So those who want to belittle me, online or in real time, I say go right ahead. I have my faith. You may tire me out, but the next life will be much better than this one.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I am just so glad we have all made it this far. It is a miracle really.

I absolutely agree, and this makes Me think of a saying in My cross-stitch book that I think applies to all of us in the support and love and encouragement that we get from one another ......... it goes like this:

"That you and I could live our lives at the same time on earth, how incredible God's plan"

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Braedon

I absolutely agree, and this makes Me think of a saying in My cross-stitch book that I think applies to all of us in the support and love and encouragement that we get from one another ......... it goes like this:

"That you and I could live our lives at the same time on earth, how incredible God's plan"

I think that is perfect!

I know this song is about loss in a romantic relationship, and that is not where my PTSD comes from at all....but this song has been on my mind all week.

Elton John
I'm Still Standing

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid

I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

[Leigh]

I love that song, and I'll include another one that seems fitting too:


[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBR2G-iI3-I"]YouTube- I Will Survive[/ame]

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Braedon

I love that song, and I'll include another one that seems fitting too:


YouTube- I Will Survive

I find that I sing this song for many reasons throughout my life...it has kept me going at times...and has given me the courage to keep going when i just wanted to end it all....

[Apocalipstic]

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I find that I sing this song for many reasons throughout my life...it has kept me going at times...and has given me the courage to keep going when i just wanted to end it all....

My mom and dad began dating in 1977 and were on again/of again until she got pregnant with Me in 1979 (I was born in 1980). That song by Gloria is the one that My Nan got My mom to listen to way back then to get over their break-up, which at the time was a pretty bad one (then they got back together in 1993 and have been married since 1995) so its very special to Me

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

That is a great one Braedon!

For those of you who listen to music to calm down, what do you like?

For me, it depends on mood, but for deep relaxation I like Kitaro best.

When I am depressed, Elton always helps.

Duke Ellington, Count Basie always put a smile on my face.

I will find myself at my desk, listening to music from the Great Depression...or Requiems and I know its time to put on Big Band.

Alot of My music depends on My mood, but lately I've been on this big 80's kick finding and watching videos on YouTube from when I was a kid ......... its been so wonderful having these little flashbacks to a simpler time before becoming an adult and having to deal with stuff that one has to deal with as they get older. I'm listening to a song that takes Me back a long ways, one that I love singing along to sometimes and since we're on the subject of music I am enjoying sharing some with you

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kisFOIeT8SA"]YouTube- Klymaxx - I Miss You[/ame]

[Canela]

Hi Everyone!

Just thought I'd stop in real quick before I go to bed, and say hello...I have been running around all day, praise God! The pneumonia doesn't know what hit it! lol...It's been downgraded to acute bronchitis but it might as well go on now, cuz I got too many things to do this weekend!

Also, I spent the day running errands with my daughters, reconnected with an old friend, shopped and shopped some more...had dinner with the hunny and the kids...(kids, 23 and 17)...my girlie chihuahua is in heat, my daughter's miniature pinscher is also a girlie and also in heat...(Oh Lord) we have these poor lil girls taking turns humping each other and trying to do something and not really knowing what...lol...I figured I would share this with you all, since well, it's kinda funny haha and funny strange at the same time...and I'm mortified one moment and laughing and screaming the next...lol...just thought I'd get ya to laugh with me...oh my goodness...lol...

That's most of my day...will be back soon....sorry for the derail...

Love and many blessings to all!

Shug