Instant Turn-Offs

[homoe]

I think I've posted this before but it bears repeating!


A "know-it-all" personality and those who can NEVER admit they were wrong!

[imperfect_cupcake]

seeing *all* femmes as being of one mind:

ie: what do femmes like?
what do I do to make femmes happy?
what will make a femme turned on?
how do I treat a femme on a date?
etc.

Glad you asked. We at Femme Hive Mind Head Quarters Appreciate your interest and intent.

the worst one of all
"how do I talk to a femme?"

Oh I dunno, pretend she's a human and talk to her like you would other humans? If she doesn't respond to human interaction you might accidentally be talking to a store manikin.

if what you actually mean is "I'm afraid of talking to people who present feminine because I think we actually have nothing in common because of that femininity so I don't know how to converse with them - and I'll get rebuffed in my awkwardness"

Then maybe you need to go back and re-think the assumptions that femininity = nothing in common with you because femininity = the opposite of you.

You need to go way, WAY back. Back up. Cause you are living in the wrong venn diagram. And in that venn diagram, no femmes cross with that. They are separate circles. Life is FULL of venn diagrams. How about the other ones you reside in? As in, the other things you are, the other interests you have, other than being butch.

Fishing? Cosplay? Rock collecting? Your dog? Knitting? Researching your family background? Movies? Recent Podcasts you really like? Things you talk about to other humans besides femmes? talk to femmes about those things.

things you talk to humans about
femmes are humans
therefore you can talk to femmes about them

Will ALL femmes be interested?
NO.

I'm a gonna circle you back to the Hive Mind joke.
Are all humans interest in the shit you talk to them about? No. Some find that shit pretty boring.
Since femmes are human, I'm gonna say they are going to be about the same.

"What can I talk to femmes about so they don't reject me and I get the magic response I'm looking for?"

a) I'm going to refer you to the Hive Mind sarcasm point.

b) We all get rejected, we all have to learn how to deal with rejection - it's a part of growing up and being a healthy adult. If you can't deal with rejection of an initial conversation (it sends you into a precarious tail spin), you might want to look into that and maybe get some support to explore that. You need to deal with that first. As a shy extrovert, I know what I'm talking about. Don't make *other* people do your work.

c) There is no magic harry potter way in, except with people who like you for you being you because they find it charming. Those are the people (ie people who are also femme) that its easier with.


- Administrative Control Officer 89674 of Femme Hive Mind

[Orema]

People who are habitually late.

[homoe]

people who treat waitstaff as their personal servants....

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Orema

People who are habitually late.

BIG one for me!

[CherryWine]

Someone who blows hot and cold. Either you’re in or you’re out. It’s just one early indicator of controlling behavior. In some instances, it’s indicative of a narcissistic personality. Regardless, it’s a sure-fire way to get me to run in the opposite direction.

[JDeere]

Someone who is not sure of what they are.

[clay]

Originally Posted by CherryWine

Someone who blows hot and cold. Either you’re in or you’re out. It’s just one early indicator of controlling behavior. In some instances, it’s indicative of a narcissistic personality. Regardless, it’s a sure-fire way to get me to run in the opposite direction.

Agree, Cdoodles! Watch my azz as I go out the door.....

[imperfect_cupcake]

"Blows hot and cold"

yeah, that does drive me a bit batty but also it brings to my attention what *I* believe is the attention I want. I've been accused of that since and I was very confused - I was enthusiastic about their company while they were with me, which is what *I* would want, but did not want daily contact because that's just not who I am in my life. I still felt exactly the same. They assumed I was blowing hot and cold. They argued with me about this and accused me of not wanting them, of being cold, of having walls...
So I put an end to it immediately. As much as I really, really liked them, and was sad about stopping it, actually fairly bummed out, I could see there was a huge discrepancy between our own ways and needs to demonstrate affection and closeness.

To them, they wanted frequency of quality time together, which was something I just couldn't give, along with the enthusiasm I showed when I was present.

I didn't want either of us to be hurt by a battle of very different needs and disappointments. I was already being accused of being cold. I thought it best to just stop there.

So be careful of accusing people of controlling or narcissistic behaviour. It may be your needs are just vastly different and it feels hot/cold to you - to them, they have the same feelings for you the whole time. But it will drive you nuts regardless - end it.

but it doesn't always have nefarious reasons.

[CherryWine]

I understand what you are saying, imperfect cupcake, and I think we are talking about two separate things. I am not confusing individual differences in needs regarding frequency of quality time with controlling and narcissistic behavior. I am very much an introvert and need time to myself between interactions to truly appreciate quality time spent with anyone. That goes for friends, family, and lovers. I definitely get that.

What I’m referring to is someone who...for example....immediately withdraws affection, seemingly without reason, but usually as a result of the fact that he or she felt slighted in some manner. When approached about the matter, they typically shut down and refuse to communicate. Then, once they decide that their feelings are no longer hurt (or you have served your due “punishment”), they are back to showering you with affection like nothing ever happened. I’ve discovered, unfortunately, that this typically comes from a place of deep insecurity and is a prelude to future controlling and manipulative behavior - hence, the reason I run in the opposite direction when I notice this behavior.

I’m definitely not talking about someone who is mature enough to say...”Hey, I need some alone time (space), so I’m going to spend this week doing such and such and we’ll catch up later.”

Come to think, this is not actually an “instant” turnoff per se, as it usually does take a bit of time knowing someone before it happens....but it is indeed a turnoff!

[Kätzchen]

I totally get what imperfect_cupcake and CherryWine are talking about. Thank you for articulating succinctly about controlling behaviors and what I call the 'push me/pull me' game (ie, manipulation ).

--- --- --- --- --- ---

Here's a few more Instant Turn Off behaviors that will turn me off:

Lack of compassion. Lack of honesty. Being unwilling to honor mine or another's boundaries. Those three things I've talked about many times over the years here in certain posts I've made in various forum threads..... As well as being chased or stalked. If I'm not talking to you, it's because I'm not interested in talking to you. I am very introverted, and I keep to myself. Also, Unwanted Contact is a huge deal breaker in my world.

[homoe]

I had a therapist once who explained the whole 'push me/pull me' thingy!

I've never been a victim, but I did have a close friend who played that game with women all the time!

[Signmypapyrus]

I number of things have already been mentioned, and I think to echo the push me/pull me, people who want a quick fling after a breakup.

People who are not kind or compassionate.

[homoe]

Originally Posted by Signmypapyrus

I number of things have already been mentioned, and I think to echo the push me/pull me, people who want a quick fling after a breakup.

People who are not kind or compassionate.

No good can ever come of being the "rebound" girlfriend!

[imperfect_cupcake]

Originally Posted by CherryWine

I understand what you are saying, imperfect cupcake, and I think we are talking about two separate things. I am not confusing individual differences in needs regarding frequency of quality time with controlling and narcissistic behavior. I am very much an introvert and need time to myself between interactions to truly appreciate quality time spent with anyone. That goes for friends, family, and lovers. I definitely get that.

What I’m referring to is someone who...for example....immediately withdraws affection, seemingly without reason, but usually as a result of the fact that he or she felt slighted in some manner. When approached about the matter, they typically shut down and refuse to communicate. Then, once they decide that their feelings are no longer hurt (or you have served your due “punishment”), they are back to showering you with affection like nothing ever happened. I’ve discovered, unfortunately, that this typically comes from a place of deep insecurity and is a prelude to future controlling and manipulative behavior - hence, the reason I run in the opposite direction when I notice this behavior.

I’m definitely not talking about someone who is mature enough to say...”Hey, I need some alone time (space), so I’m going to spend this week doing such and such and we’ll catch up later.”

Come to think, this is not actually an “instant” turnoff per se, as it usually does take a bit of time knowing someone before it happens....but it is indeed a turnoff!

That I understand, and I've had people who were *very* emotionally mercurial in personality drive me round the fucking bend with it - again, with them, they weren't intentionally trying to be a complete dick, but they were *very* hard to take. I had to walk off.
And I watched a succession of following gfs walking off.
I stayed friends because she is hella funny and fun to be with and I have ZERO expectations as a friend.

I also didn't mean you, in particular.

I sort of meant general "you".

Because I *have* been accused of blow hot and cold when the differences are just compatibility. Mainly because the other person wants compromise ( of myyyyyy end lol) and they haven't grasped that I don't follow a romance novel form of lesbian love.

I don't rush stuff, I don't want to live with *anyone*, I don't get immediately emotionally involved. However, I can enjoy the shit out of people I like while things cook to see what happens.

This confuses people who follow more mainstream ideas of romance and I get accused of things, no matter how clear I am.

because the whole "controlling/narcissistic personality disorder" thing has rather exploded and they skip the part about "love bombing" - to ME what "regular" romance feels like is "love bombing" its too intense, there's no room, and it freaks me out. But I know it's just perspective on my part. Its not *actual* Love bombing.

So I don't accuse them of doing it.

so it was just a general caution, really.

[kittygrrl]

maybe..no politics or religion..current events are ok

[homoe]

People who constantly brag about what all they have!

[cathexis]

Not willing to experiment with new ideas and activities.

[Happyfemme]

Someone who is focused only on themselves, manipulative behaviors, lying, pretending to be someone else, pretending to exude attributes such as being kind and caring, always making negative comments, putting others down, and attempting to make every situation about themselves.

[VintageFemme]

Apathy.
Low self esteem.
Arrogance.
Self centeredness, not to be confused with self worth and esteem. I think it's great when someone has a healthy sense of self worth and takes pride in that, however those who can't see beyond themselves and their world and are oblivious to you and yours; that to me is such a drag. I move on immediately.
Mean people.
Those who want to tell you about how much money they have, who they know, etc. I'm never impressed.
Close minded people and those who say, "I can't" when they really mean, "I won't"
No sense of humor. That's probably the biggest turn off and alternatively, the biggest turn on when someone does make me laugh. You know that laugh that lingers long after it's over and you remember and laugh again.