09-25-2013, 01:08 AM | #81 |
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it depends on the couple and the priority sex takes for them. for some people sex isn't even near the top of the list as they get older. for some people it becomes increasingly important.
I know couples that are perfectly happy having sex once or twice a month. sometimes couples go through six months of no sex because of kids, jobs, stress, deaths, whatever. in the long run, if you are with someone for the rest of your life. I know I've gone months when really down without wanking when I've been on my own and its really hard to dump myself over it. however I couldn't do that indefinitely with a partner. this is why I think its important to get to know someone sexually first before making a commitment. I know.people are down on casual sex, but it's the only way I know how to get to know people sexually as well as intellectually and emotionally before I decide if its a good idea to commit to anything. |
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09-29-2014, 04:51 PM | #82 |
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Thank for this forum!
The relationship I am in (which I have been for more than 5 years) is lacking in sex although not intimacy. We are still really close, but my partner admits that she might have a sexual problem because she doesn't have any sexual desire. This upsets me, because I tend to internalize and am also still very sexually attuned. I'm not sure how to help it. We've tried talking about it and making a schedule for it, but it never happens. For those who have had issues with this, what have you tried that has helped?
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09-29-2014, 04:55 PM | #83 | |
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09-29-2014, 06:18 PM | #84 | |
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09-29-2014, 06:48 PM | #85 |
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What SleepyButch said really resonates with me. Sexual intimacy ebbs and flows just like our daily routines and schedules. Sometimes, at least for me, it's a priority and other times it's the last thing on my mind. And then at other times I conversely long for physical touch or may be repulsed by it. I think that dynamic occurs for so many reasons; age, stress, physical limitations (whether actual or perceived), to name a few.
If you are invested for the long haul, then be patient and love her up when and if she is receptive to it. And have fun but don't over-think things too much. My few pennies. |
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09-29-2014, 08:26 PM | #86 |
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I generally have a high sex drive when partnered. Lesbian bed death only happened once that I know of. After some years, I found her ways becoming unattractive. When that happened, I no longer wanted to be sexual with her. Felt so guilty and bad about these confusing feelings for someone I had cared for at one time. Tried to hide it, which was wrong, by making myself once in a while only for her ... but that became really icky for me.
Had to part. It is really the person for me ... the whole person and not just a sexy body. It is her mind, the way she thinks, my not being bored with her conversation because it is not superficial. my ramblings ... |
09-29-2014, 09:09 PM | #87 |
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I was. My lat 3 yrs relationship so non reliojish.
We don't enjoy I wish yer well I jut want her and me frock in ok!Z |
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09-29-2014, 09:14 PM | #88 | |
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I cant tell if you are saying the relationship was once sexual and now isnt or if you are saying it was never sexual. If it was never sexual, you may want to check out Aven |
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09-29-2014, 09:37 PM | #89 | |
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09-30-2014, 12:12 PM | #90 |
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09-30-2014, 02:03 PM | #91 | |
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Speaking for myself only, when the emotional connection is severed, there is NO physical connection either. I must have an emotional connect. However I understand that for some folks it's a physical issue. Hormones out of balance, disease, or injury. Depression is a biggie. That said... it's kinda up to the individuals to decide a course of action or inaction. |
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09-30-2014, 03:27 PM | #92 | |
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PS Clay is that better ..... |
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09-30-2014, 04:10 PM | #93 | |
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True I can see how different circumstances can really play into a lack of sexual intimacy in general. Hmm...don't think too much...that is something I have to learn to definitely do. I guess that would be my biggest downfall sometimes.
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09-30-2014, 04:14 PM | #94 | |
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Me too! I've always had a high sex drive, and everything was super peachy at the beginning of the relationship until it went *poof* and disappeared. Then, I began to internalize and wonder if it was me or was it her (and around and around I went in my head...thinking too much). Now, the question is how to bring it back and to do it in such a way that it was like when we first met, but if it can't happen, I guess if it doesn't end up being both ways, I'll have to re-evaluate.
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09-30-2014, 04:17 PM | #95 | |
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It was very sexual at first and she used to drink a lot but doesn't drink now. I don't know if it was the alcohol or what, but our sexual relationship banished despite the fact that I am frustrated and want to have sex with her only to hear that she's tired or she thinks she has a sexual disorder or the fact that she works between 60-70 hours a week, and we are like passerbys in the night.
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09-30-2014, 04:19 PM | #96 | |
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She used to be on meds for depression but is no longer, but her job...it's totally stressful I can tell. She works as a clinical director for a substance abuse facility but was doing the job of clinical director and two therapists at once. It was nuts! She comes home exhausted a lot. I'm thinking this has a lot to do with it, but I keep trying to figure out the happy medium :\
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12-04-2015, 07:27 AM | #97 |
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This is the ugliest term straights have ever thrown at us ...
and we discuss it like it's a fact about us.
What a terrible thing that heterosexual sexologist woman did. Such a horrible thing to come up with, just because those that took part in the survey don't have physical sex as often as straights and gay guys in the survey did. I've put up with this crap for 3 decades ...enough is enough! Wouldn't it be ironic if we actually make love with our lesbian partners more often than the other 2 grouped categories do. Love making for us lesbians encompasses so much more than just physical penetrative type sex practices. The depth of intensity between us is almost mind blowing. That woman probably wouldn't have a clue on how to even begin measuring our way of love making. We lesbians should never sell ourselves short like this. Be mindful not to view yourself through their eyes! |
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12-04-2015, 07:11 PM | #98 |
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been there done that
Love this topic. This has happened in two of my relationships.
Both of them were because I lost complete respect for my lover because of the way they treated me. They literally became unattractive to me over time because of this and the thought of sex with them was basically repulsive. And these relationships were ON FIRE at first, but sex alone only gets you so far ...
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12-04-2015, 08:19 PM | #99 |
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I need sex 24/7..I need sex with women 24/7,period *coughs* or not! *snort*
My wife is happy if she has me every weekend..which makes me happy. They say sex is not everything in a relationship,but to me,it's num.1 on my list. No lesbian bed death here..unless you count me laying on a lesbian bed and,thinking about death??? |
12-04-2015, 09:46 PM | #100 |
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The phrase and stereotype of lesbian bed death irks the shit out of me.
The phrase is from a 1983 study that never seems to die. How about some newer studies? How about lesbians have more orgasms and sex lasts longer: "Lesbians are apparently having better sex than straight women. A recent study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine focuses on how sexual orientation associates with orgasm frequency in single men and women. Researchers collected responses via a 2011 online questionnaire from 6,151 men and women between the ages of 21 and 65. They then only analyzed those response of a smaller subsample of 2,850 singles -- including 1,497 men and 1,353 women -- who had sex within the past 12 months. Participants were asked to identify their gender, sexual orientation and percentage of time they orgasm with a familiar partner on a scale of zero to 100. Although responses from the male participants did not vary much based on sexual orientation -- heterosexual men reported an 85.5 percent orgasm rate, gay men 84.7 percent, and bisexual men 77.6 percent -- responses from women showed notable variation. While heterosexual women reported orgasming 61.6 percent of the time and bisexual women reported 58 percent, lesbian women had the highest orgasmrate at 74.7 percent. In the study text, the researchers posit the higher lesbian percentage could be attributed to factors such as "self-identified lesbian women are more comfortable and familiar with the female body and thus, on average, are better able to induce orgasm in their female partners." Other reasonings include: length of the sexual encounter, attitude towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal differences. Author Justin R. Garcia, MS, PhD, who is an assistant professor of gender studies and a director at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, explained the implications of the findings further in an email to The Huffington Post. "Little is known about orgasm occurrences among women and men of varied sexual orientations across the adult lifespan," he said. "Understanding the factors that influence variation in orgasm occurrence among sexual minority populations may assist in tailoring behavioral therapies for those of different sexual orientations." Such a study could offer better insight into better orgasms for all couples, he said. "Moreover, to the extent that lack of orgasm is seen as a common and unwanted problem, learning more about orgasm in same-sex relationships may inform treatment for men and women in both same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. Consequently, these findings may contribute to promotion of a more informed and positive sexual health care." http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/0..._5691470.htmIs Lesbian bed death? "So is there any truth behind “lesbian bed death?” It is true that long-term lesbian couples tend to have sex less frequently over time; however, this effect has also been found in almost every other type of long-term relationship, including mixed-sex and male same-sex couples. This is not to say that sex usually disappears entirely (although it certainly may in some cases—sexless relationships do exist); rather, the point is simply that a decline in sexual frequency is hardly unique to lesbians. Also, while lesbian couples do tend to have sex less often compared to other couples, sexual frequency data doesn’t tell the full story. If you only focus on the number of sex acts without considering the duration of each act, you may come to erroneous conclusions about who spends the most and who spends the least total time on sex. Indeed, it may very well be that lesbians have sex less often, but when they do have sex, they do it for longer than average—and this is exactly what research has found. A recent study published in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality found that while women in same-sex relationships reported having sex significantly less often than persons in both mixed-sex and male same-sex relationships, women in same-sex relationships reported significantly longer durations of sexual activity than all other groups [2]. Consider this: for women in same-sex relationships, the median (50th percentile) time spent on sex was 30-45 minutes; in contrast, the median for everyone else was 15-30 minutes. Also, whereas about 20% of women in same-sex relationships reported spending an hour or more on sex, durations of this length were much less common among other types of couples. There were also no differences in sexual satisfaction across couple types, suggesting that any differences in sexual frequency were counterbalanced by differences in sexual duration. In short, it’s time that the concept of “lesbian bed death” is put to bed once and for all. While women in same-sex relationships may have sex less often than other couples, their sexual act tends to be longer and they do not appear to be any less sexually satisfied." [1] Blumstein, P., & Schwartz, P. (1983). American couples: Money, work, sex. New York: Morrow. [2] Blair, K. L., & Pukall, C. F. (2014). Can less be more? Comparing duration vs. frequency of sexual encounters in same-sex and mixed-sex relationships. The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 23(2), 123-136. http://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2015/3...h-a-real-thing
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