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Old 10-07-2010, 11:58 AM   #1
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Default Domestic Violence/Partner Abuse

I saw various threads on abuse, but I didn't see one specific to this issue so I hope I didn't overlook one. Forgive me if I did.

As the manager of a domestic violence shelter and also a survivor of domestic abuse, I feel that this is a very important subject. For many years people have believed that the system was only in place to help heterosexual/straight victims. That mentality still exists in some areas, but so much has changed. There is help and hope for ALL victims who seek it, no matter their sexuality, gender, etc. There are victims in our community who don't even realize that these resources are there. There are also some who don't even realize that they are being victimized. It's my hope that by opening communication in this thread, we can get information and help to those in need.

I will be posting various bits of information in this thread, and hope that others do so as well, whether it's resources, personal thoughts, or experiences that they feel comfortable sharing. The purpose is to show others that they are not alone, and that there is help. Please feel free to PM me with any questions, thoughts, or information. And if there is someone out there who is dealing with this type of abuse, PLEASE feel free to contact me or someone you trust, even if it's just to vent, to voice it, for support or for a shoulder to lean on...





Power and Control in Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Relationships

Isolation: Restricting Freedom
Controlling personal social contacts, access to information and participation in groups or organizations. Limiting the who, what, where and when or daily life. Restraining movement, locking partner in or out.

Intimidation
Creating fear by using looks, actions, gestures and destroying personal items, mementos or photos. Breaking windows or furniture. Throwing or smashing objects. Trashing clothes, hurting or killing pets.

Economic Abuse
Controlling economic resources and how they are used. Stealing money, credit cards or checks. Running up debt. Fostering total economic dependency. Using economic status to determine relationship roles/norms, including controlling purchase of clothes, food, etc.

Physical Abuse
Slapping, hitting, shoving, biting, choking, pushing, punching, beating, kicking, stabbing, burning, pulling hair, being hit with objects, dragging or pulling, shooting or killing. Using weapons.

Using Children
Threats or actions to take children away or have them removed. Using children to relay messages. Threats to or actual harm to children. Threats to or revealing of sexual or gender orientation to children or others to jeopardize parent-child relationship, custody or relationships with family, friends, school or others.

Threats
Making physical, emotional, economic or sexual threats. Threatening to harm family or friends. Threatening to make a report to city, state or federal authorities that would jeopardize custody, economic situation, immigration or legal status. Threatening suicide.

Entitlement
Treating partner as inferior; race, education, wealth, politics, class privilege or lack of, physical ability, and anti-Semitism. Demanding that needs always come first. Interfering with partner's job, personal needs and family obligations.

Psychological & Emotional Abuse
Criticizing constantly. Using verbal abuse, insults and ridicule. Undermining self-esteem. Trying to humiliate or degrade in private or public. Manipulating with lies and false promises. Denying partner's reality.

HIV-Related Abuse
Threatening to reveal HIV status to others. Blaming partner for having HIV. Withholding medical or social services. Telling partner she or he is "dirty." Using illness to justify abuse.

Sexual Abuse

Forcing sex. Forcing specific sex acts or sex with others. Physical assaults to "sexual" body areas. Refusing to practice safer sex. In S&M refusing to negotiate or not respecting contract/scene limits or safe words.

Homophobia/BiphobiaA part of Heterosexism. Using awareness of fear and hatred of lesbians, gay men and bisexuals to convince partner of danger in reaching out to others. Controlling expression of sexual identity and connections to community. Outing sexual identity. Shaming. Questioning Status as a "real" lesbian, gay man, bisexual.

Transphobia
Using fear and hatred of anyone who challenges traditional gender expression, and/or who is transsexual, to convince partner of danger in reaching out to others. Controlling expression of gender identity and connections to community. Outing gender identity. Shaming. Questioning validity of one's gender.

Heterosexism
Perpetuating and utilizing invisibility of LGB relationships to define relationship norms. Using heterosexual roles to normalize abuse and shame partner for same sex and bisexual desires. Using cultural invisibility to isolate partner and reinforce control. Limiting connection to community.




"Red Flags" Of A Battering Personality:
If you are uncertain whether your partner is abusive or if you want to be able to tell at the beginning of the relationship if the other person has the potential to become abusive, there are behaviors you can look for, including the following:

1. JEALOUSY: An abuser will always say that jealousy is a sign of love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love; it's a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust. In a healthy relationship, the partners trust each other unless one of them has legitimately done something to break that trust.

2. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: At first, the batterer will say this behavior is because they are concerned for your safety, a need for you to use time well or to make good decisions. Abusers will be angry if you are "late" coming back from the store or an appointment; you will be questioned closely about where you went, who you talked to. At this behavior gets worse, the abuser may not let you make personal decisions about the house, your clothing, or going to church. They may keep all the money; or may make you ask permission to leave the house or room.

3. QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Many domestic violence survivors only knew their abuser for a few months before they were living together. The abuser may come on like a whirlwind, claiming "you're the only person I could ever talk to" and "I've never felt loved like this by anyone". Abusers are generally very charming at the beginning of the relationship. You will be pressured to commit in such a way that later you may feel very guilty if you want to slow down involvement or break up. If you are newly out, be careful; abusers often target those they know are new to the GLBT community because it is a time when you are vulnerable and may not know very many people in the community.

4. UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Abusive people will expect their partner to meet all their needs: the perfect partner, lover, and friend. They say things like "if you love me, I'm all you need and you're all I need". You are supposed to take care of everything for them; emotionally, physically, and sometimes economically.

5. ISOLATION: The abusive person tries to cut the partner off from all resources. If you have same-sex friends, you are a "whore", a "slut" or "cheating". If you are close to family, you're "tied to the apron strings". The abuser will accuse people who are supportive of causing trouble, and may restrict use of the phone. They will gradually isolate you from all of your friends. They may not let you use a car (or have one that is reliable), and may try to keep you from working or going to school. Some abusers will try to get you into legal trouble so that you are afraid to drive or go out.

6. BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: If your partner is chronically unemployed, someone is always doing them wrong or is out to get them. They may make mistakes and then blame you for upsetting them so that they can't concentrate on their work. They will tell you that you are at fault for almost anything that goes wrong.

7. BLAMES OTHERS FOR FEELINGS: Abusive people will tell you, "you made me mad" and "I can't help being angry". Although they actually make the decision about how they think or feel, they will use feelings to manipulate you. Abusers see themselves as the "victim" in the relationship, and do not take responsibility for their own feelings or behaviors.

8. HYPERSENSITIVITY: Abusers are easily insulted, and may take the slightest setback as a personal attack. They will rant and rave about the injustice of things that are really just a part of living, such as having to get up for work, getting a traffic ticket, or being asked to help with chores.

9. CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: This is a person who punishes animals brutally or is insensitive to their pain. They may expect children to be capable of things beyond their ability. They may tease children and younger brothers and sisters until they cry. They may be very critical of other people's children or any children you bring into the relationship. Your partner may threaten to prevent you from seeing children you have no biological rights to, or punish children to get even with you. About 60% of people who beat their partner also beat their children.

10. "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: This kind of person may like to act out fantasies where the partner is helpless. They let you know that the idea of rape is exciting. They may show little concern about whether you want to have sex, and use sulking or anger to manipulate you. They may start having sex with you while you are sleeping, or demand sex when you are ill or tired. They may want to "make up" by having sex after they have just been physically or verbally abusive to you.

11. VERBAL ABUSE: In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel, this can be seen when the abuser degrades or curses you, belittling any of your accomplishments. They may say accuse you of not being a "real" lesbian or gay man. If you aren't out, they may threaten to out you to family members or your employer. The abuser will tell you that you are stupid and unable to function without them. They may wake you up to verbally abuse you, or not let you go to sleep.

12. RIGID SEX ROLES: Abusers expect the partner to play the "female" role; to serve them, and insists that you obey them in all things. The abuser sees you as unintelligent, inferior, responsible for menial tasks, and less than whole without the relationship. They will often tell you that no one else would want you or that you are nothing without them. They will remind you of everything they have done for you.

13. DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Many survivors of abuse are confused by their abuser's sudden changes in mood, and may think it indicates a special mental problem. Abusers may be nice one minute, and explode the next. Explosiveness and moodiness are typical of people who beat their partners. Many survivors feel if their partner would just quit drinking or using drugs, the violence would stop. This is usually not the case. Abusive people continue the abuse, even after they stop using alcohol or drugs, unless they also seek help for their abusive behavior.

14. PAST BATTERING: These people say they have hit a partner in the past, but the previous partner made them do it. You may hear from relatives or ex partners that the person has been abusive. A batterer will beat any person they are with if they are with that person long enough for violence to begin; situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality.

15. THREATS OF VIOLENCE: This could include any threat of physical force meant to control you: "I'll slap your mouth off", "I'll kill you", "I'll break your neck". Most people do not threaten their mates, but a batterer will say "everyone talks like that", or "it didn't mean anything".

16. BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: This behavior is used as a punishment (breaking loved possessions), but is used mostly to terrorize you into submission. The abuser may beat on the table with their fist or throw objects around. This is not only a sign of extreme emotional immaturity, but indicates great danger when someone thinks they have the "right" to punish or frighten their partner.

17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".






WHAT ARE YOUR RIGHTS IN A RELATIONSHIP?

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT…..
• To express your opinions and have them be respected.
• To have your needs be as important as your partner’s needs.
• To grow as an individual in your own way.
• To change your mind.
• To not take responsibility for your partner’s behavior.
• To not be physically, emotionally, or sexually abused.
• And, you have the right to break up and fall out of love with someone and not be threatened.

ARE YOU BEING ABUSED?
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS…..
• Are you frightened by your partner’s temper?
• Are you afraid to disagree?
• Are you constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior, especially when s/he has treated you badly?
• Do you have to justify everything you do, every place you go, or every person you see just to avoid your partner’s anger?
• Does your partner put you down, but then tells you that they love you?
• Have you ever been hit, kicked, shoved, or had things thrown at you?
• Do you not see friends or family because of your partner’s jealousy?
• Have you been forced into having sex when you didn’t want to?
• Are you afraid to breakup because your partner has threatened to hurt you or his/herself?

ARE YOU BEING ABUSIVE?
ASK YOURSELF THESE QUESTIONS…..
• Do you constantly check up on your partner and accuse him/her of being with other people?
• Are you extremely jealous or possessive?
• Do you have an explosive temper?
• Have you hit, kicked, shoved, or thrown things at your partner?
• Do you constantly criticize or insult your partner?
• Do you become violent when you drink or use drugs?
• Have you threatened your partner or broken things in his/her presence?
• Have you forced your partner to have sex with you or intimidated him/her so s/he is afraid to say no?
• Have you threatened to hurt your partner?
• Have you threatened to hurt yourself if your partner breaks up with you or leaves?



Leaving An Abusive Relationship

Living with a violent partner is dangerous, but leaving one can be dangerous too. Many victims of abuse end up returning to the abusers who hurt them. Often this is because they are forced to leave home suddenly, their lives in danger. With no chance to prepare and no safety net in place, they are likely to return to their batterers.

If you are a victim of domestic violence who is trying to leave an abusive relationship, you will have a better chance of succeeding if you have a safety plan. A safety plan helps you think beyond just escaping - it helps you to prepare for your future. It includes the steps to take before you leave, as well as after.

Here are a few suggestions to help you form your safety plan. If you would like a personalized plan, please contact your local shelter. Or, if your shelter does not serve the LGBT community or is not LGBT friendly, contact us and one of our staff members can assist you.

Important things to bring when leaving:
-Driver's license or other identification.
-Social Security Card
-Domestic Partnership, Civil Union, or other important documents pertaining to the status of your relationship.
-Deeds
-Copy of bills with account numbers
-Credit cards
-Checks and bank books
-Insurance cards
-Title and registration for your car
-Keys
-Money
-Any important papers
-Sentimental items such as photos
-Clothing
-Children's social security cards, school records, immunization records
-Birth Certificates
-Medications

How to keep yourself safe:
-Keep extra money, important documents, car keys, and clothing at a friend's or family member's home or put in a safety deposit box.
-Tell a friend about the abuse and your plans to leave.
-Develop a code word that tells your friends and family that you are in danger.
-Plan escape routes out of your home with several alternatives, if possible.
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:04 PM   #2
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Resources
There are many resources out there. You can contact your local law enforcement, local domestic violence shelters, local or national crisis lines, and also online support. If you are a victim of domestic abuse, whether physical or emotional, PLEASE seek help...




1.800.799.SAFE
1.800.656.HOPE





Websites on LGBT Domestic Violence

www.projectrainbownet.org
Project Rainbow Net - An initiative of the North Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence aimed at improving NC’s response to LGBT survivors of domestic violence.

www.survivorproject.org
The Survivor Project - Dedicated to addressing the needs of Intersex and Trans survivors of domestic and sexual violence.

www.avp.org
Anti-Violence Project - Serves lesbian, gay, transgender, bisexual and HIV-positive victims of violence, and others affected by violence. Based in New York City.

www.cuav.org
Community United Against Violence - A 20-year old multicultural organization working to end violence against and within lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and queer/questioning (LGBTQ) communities. Based in San Francisco, CA.

www.nwnetwork.org
Northwest Network - Provides support and safety for bisexual, transgender, lesbian, and gay survivors of abuse. Based in Seattle, WA.

www.thenetworklared.org
The Network/La Red - Ending abuse in lesbian, bisexual women's and transgender communities. Based in Boston, MA.

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Old 10-07-2010, 12:04 PM   #3
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Great resources Dixie! I'd love to see this on a resource page here on the site!
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Old 10-07-2010, 12:14 PM   #4
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when i was living in upstate new york...i found myself in an abusive relationship. it all happened subtlety, and gradually. once my friends and family helped me to see it, i found some help. i utilized the local lgbtq center. i ended the relationship with the support that i found there. it services the gay community in the hudson valley area. i attached their link.
www.lgbtqcenter.org
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Old 10-16-2010, 04:59 AM   #5
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Until I was in an abusive relationship, I had no real clear idea of how easy it is to miss the signs of a battering personality that dixielady posted. It was only in hindsight that I realized how much I had rationalized or dismissed or simply didn't recognize for what it was. I was frankly startled to find myself in that situation because I've always been a strong, independent person... it's shockingly easy to lose perspective.
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Old 10-16-2010, 07:38 AM   #6
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Thanks for this thread. Thankfully I have never been in a relationship in which I was battered, though I have experienced most of the stuff listed - though not all in the same relationship.

I guess what I found interesting reading these lists is looking at my own behavior.

I can be jealous, I can be a sulky bitch when sexually frustrated, and I have constrained a person during an argument before. Twice I grabbed a lover by the forearms in an attempt to stop upsetting behavior and get their attention. The second time I left bruises.

The first time, it was the wee hours of the morning, we were on the 2nd floor and the person was throwing boxes on the floor. I didn't want to antagonize the downstairs neighbor, and I automatically grabbed the person by the forearms while saying reassuring words.

The second time was less justified. The time I left bruises was during the day and I don't remember what was being said but the person was possibly leaving or just ranting and pacing. I again grabbed the person by the forearms while saying what I thought were reassuring words. I was unconscious of the strength I used until afterwards. Anyway, it was informative to read this:

Quote:
17. ANY FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: A batterer may hold you down, restrain you from leaving the room, push you, or shove you. They may pin you to the wall, saying, "You're going to listen to me!".
Sometimes looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do. Though I felt bad for leaving bruises on this person, I never thought what I was doing was battery because my intentions didn't feel abusive to me.

And looking further back, I know there was also a time I grabbed my vaccuum cleaner out of a friend's hands during an argument, we had a tug of war and I fell on my ass when that person let go. That also probably falls under item 17. At the time I thought I was the injured party and that I would never get my vaccuum back otherwise.

But I was using force during an argument.

These threads come up every once in a while, and I usually see all the things that have been done to me. But I guess I am in a safe enough place now that I am more able to look at myself and my own behavior with greater clarity.

I do think I have control issues. I spend a lot of time controlling myself. Just to get up in the morning seems to require a great deal of self control. I overeat, overinternet, overspend, occasionally overdrink to control my feelings and thoughts. I think abuse in general is about control, at least that's what I've heard. I don't know how to not be controlling at least with myself. With the above stuff, all I know how to do is to commit to controlling myself more when it comes to these issues - making new, stronger rules regarding my relationships because I definitely don't want to do anything that could be even questionably abusive to anybody.

A lovely friend wrote something recently for coming out day. She's straight, but she wanted to write something in support of her LGBTQ friends. Part of what she wrote was, "Henry David Thoreau said 'All good things are wild and free.'" I don't feel wild and free. Do other people? But whatever prison I have locked myself inside, I don't want fellow prisoners. Looking over my past, it's clear to me I need to have more respect for the wildness and the freedom of others and that some of my own behavior has worked against this.

Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.
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Old 10-16-2010, 08:34 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nat View Post
Just FYI, I feel pretty nervous posting this because it feels like social suicide, but I am doing so because it's honest, because it's hard, because I think it's the right thing to do and because maybe my talking about these things might serve somebody else here who has been on either end of similar dynamics.
please don't feel nervous! the fact of your being self-aware and secure enough to admit to a mistake actually makes you the complete opposite of the kinds of offenders this thread is about!
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Old 10-16-2010, 09:01 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dark_crystal View Post
please don't feel nervous! the fact of your being self-aware and secure enough to admit to a mistake actually makes you the complete opposite of the kinds of offenders this thread is about!
Thanks. I don't think it makes me the exact opposite, but I strive more and more to be the opposite of those things. I don't know what lies at the heart of those who have done or do far worse - I guess most likely it's not just one single quality or motivation. For myself personally I think I live somewhere in the addiction and codependent spectrum and both of those have something to do with control.

I have the capacity for cruelty - as evidenced even in a few of my posts here and others on the dash site. I once accused June publicly of lying (which i regret very much) and refused to take it back - rather than approaching things from a place of understanding or seeking to understand. I've been pretty horrible really though at those times I always felt that I was in the right, that I was embracing justice or truth or standing up for others. But in the end, that behavior is just bad behavior - it's bullying behavior. It may not be as extreme as most behavior listed above, but I would think it's somewhere in the spectrum of abusive. If there isn't a bullying thread on this site, maybe I will start one some time soon, especially in light of recent suicides of bullied teens. I want to think that people can heal, change and grow. I have been trying to do so. I don't want to be an asshole.

I think being committed to changing specific behavior is the quick (and necessary) fix, but I think to change long-term requires sea-change and though I have come a long way so far in my life, I do not know if I am capable of the deepest level of change or if there are tools or methods available for doing that. So far, and the initial motivation I have had for exploring it, spirituality is the one tool I have found that helps me relinquish my need to control myself, others and/or situations even a little. I know there must be other tools and I know spirituality is odious to many and has been used as a tool of abuse extremely often as well. I don't really have many other tools at hand, but I would like to.
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Old 10-16-2010, 10:04 AM   #9
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Thank you Dixielady for starting this thread and Medusa for wanting to place a resource page on this site.

I am a domestic violence survivor. If not for several miracles during those years I would be dead.

Tragically there are far too many people not as fortunate.

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Old 10-16-2010, 10:20 AM   #10
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Very nice posts dixielady
thanks for the valued information
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:42 PM   #11
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Not all bad relationships are abusive, although all abusive relationships are bad.
Not all bad things we do in a relationship means we are an abusers.
High conflict relationships are not necessarily abusive.
Healthy relationships include conflict and fighting.

So how can you tell if it's a lousy relationship or abuse?

Abusers seek control and are willing to use coercive tactics, including violence, to achieve and maintain control in a relationship.

Abusers engage in patterns of escalation and de-escalation that the victim has no control over, (even when they think they do).

Victims experience fewer options and choices, and growing fear and danger, over time.

For more about lgbtq partner abuse check out: www.nwnetwork.org
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:47 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Heart View Post
Not all bad relationships are abusive, although all abusive relationships are bad.
Not all bad things we do in a relationship means we are an abusers.
High conflict relationships are not necessarily abusive.
Healthy relationships include conflict and fighting.

So how can you tell if it's a lousy relationship or abuse?

Abusers seek control and are willing to use coercive tactics, including violence, to achieve and maintain control in a relationship.

Abusers engage in patterns of escalation and de-escalation that the victim has no control over, (even when they think they do).

Victims experience fewer options and choices, and growing fear and danger, over time.

For more about lgbtq partner abuse check out: www.nwnetwork.org
I tried the link. It does not work, Heart. When I worked in the field we used this a lot.
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Old 10-18-2010, 07:54 PM   #13
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I fixed the link. It's the Northwest Network of Bi Trans Lesbian & Gay Survivors of Abuse.

Last edited by Heart; 10-18-2010 at 07:57 PM.
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Old 10-19-2010, 04:43 AM   #14
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This topic has brought back memories I thought I had put to rest forever and it has haunted me since I read this thread. I have never talked about this to anyone.

Back in 2004 I had a relationship with a person who had a quick temper and reacted badly when anyone disagreed with her or did not do as she said. She reacted violently at times. Then it was my turn. On three different occaisions I had to ask her to leave my home and then ended up calling the police for help. Each time she ended up taking the phone from me and talking her way out of it.

On a vacation trip to the beach with others she blew up at me. In the car on the way home (a hundred miles from home) we argued about what happened. She reached across the car and grabbed my wrists as I tried to get out of the car (she had pulled over to the side of the road).

The last straw is when she restrained me in front of my family and the police took it seriously. It has taken years for me to get over this. And get over the shame and humiliation too.

I only had one more relationship after that and a year later I gave up and decided to work on me and have been alone ever since (Mar 2006). So I have trust issues. And trying to work on that too.

Thanks for bringing this subject in out of the dark.
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Old 01-15-2011, 06:32 AM   #15
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thank you so much for starting this thread, and all the information.
and big thumbs up to you all who share your situations, because yes it does & possibly will help people who could be in the same situations.. but i also know how hard it is to revisit or share, so i really do admire you all for doing so.

i, too, am a survivor.. but i've bottled most up for years & years - and have yet to really deal with those things, and not sure i truly ever will.. keeping it bottled and stuffed down within me seems to work for me.. the few people in my life who helped me out of the situation tell me it's very unhealthy to keep it in, however.. and they could very well be right.. i have just started counselling, recently but this topic has not come up, i'm not ready to go there..

at any rate, a girl like me really appreciates threads like this.. sometimes i don't say much, but i do read and process for myself, and love seeing resources around for those who also need them..
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Old 02-03-2011, 01:29 PM   #16
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You know, I had this long reply all typed out... and then the damn school computer decided to freak out on me, and closed out everything. Grrr.

Anyway, I don't feel like reiterating what I said, but basically, I was with an emotionally abusive alcoholic, and... she's still my love (and I'm still hers), though we're not together right now... I just hope she'll find a way to love herself, because she has so much anger and self-hatred to cope with. She's a beautiful person, but it's all buried underneath the damage. The booze turns her into a monster, and I hope someday she can find her way out of the wreckage and be herself again <3

xoxo.
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Old 02-03-2011, 06:40 PM   #17
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Exactly.

When she drinks, it's like the woman I know just... checks out, and a demon takes over. It breaks my heart
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Old 04-12-2011, 06:25 PM   #18
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Thank you for all the information about abusive relationships.
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:51 PM   #19
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Please pardon the wording. I'm not posting this to sound as though parts are just for those who identify as lesbian, but for the factual information contained throughout.


Myths about same-sex domestic violence

MYTH: "Violence between two men or two women is a 'fight' between equals."
Truth: Domestic violence is not the same as a consensual fight, no matter who is involved. Loving, healthy relationships do not include physical fighting. Domestic violence is about control and domination of one person by another; either person could be male, either person could be female. Batterers do not have to be bigger or stronger than the person they abuse.


MYTH: "If you fight back, then it's not abuse."
Truth: Fighting back is not abuse, nor does it make the relationship "mutually abusive." Survivors have used violence for many reasons, including self-defense, desperation, anger, and to try to stop the abuse. When survivors use violence the results can be complicated. Police are often confused by same-sex domestic violence and may arrest the wrong or both parties. Friends may disbelieve the survivor. Using violence to survive is a sign that something is wrong -- making a plan to get support is important.


MYTH: "Women are not violent."
Truth: There is ample evidence that both genders have capacity for violence. Some women abuse other women, men, and children. Abusers and their victims come from all genders, races, classes, religions, and regions.


MYTH: "Lesbian relationships are based on equality - lesbians have ideal, loving relationships."
Truth: Lesbian relationships are just as good and as bad as all other relationships and have most of the same problems. The myth that lesbian relationships are perfect leads to silence among lesbians who are abused.


MYTH: "Domestic violence primarily occurs among GLBT people who hang out at bars, are poor or are people of color."
Truth: Abusers and their victims come from all genders, races, classes, religions, and regions. Racist and classist stereotypes around domestic violence are common not just in the GLBT community, but also in the dominant heterosexual culture.


MYTH: "The law does not and will not protect victims of same-sex domestic violence."
Truth: Although many law enforcement professionals and court systems are still confused about same-sex domestic violence, there have been many constructive changes in recent years. In many jurisdictions, mandatory arrest policies require the police to intervene and arrest the person they perceive to be the batterer. Although many police remain confused when attempting to sort out incidents involving same gender couples and may end up arresting the wrong or both parties in a battering situation, opportunities to educate and train the police and courts about the realities of domestic violence in same-sex relationships are increasing.

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Old 04-12-2011, 09:04 PM   #20
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Domestic violence in the GLBT community is a serious issue. The rates of domestic violence in same-gender relationships is roughly the same as domestic violence against heterosexual women. As in opposite-gendered couples, the problem is likely underreported. Facing a system which is often oppressive and hostile towards those who identify as anything other than "straight", those involved in same-gender battering frequently report being afraid of revealing their sexual orientation or the nature of their relationship.

Additionally, even those who attempt to report violence in their alterative relationship run into obsticles. Police officers, prosecutors, judges and others to whom a GLBT victim may turn to for help may have difficulty in providing the same level of service as to a heterosexual victim. Not only might personal attitudes towards the GLBT community come into play, but these providers may have inadequate levels of experience and training to work with GLBT victims and flimsy or non-existant laws to enforce on behalf of the victim.

Although much advancement has been made in the provision of services, the enforcement of the law, and the equality of protections available to those in GLBT relationships over the last decade, it is important for you to be aware of your rights and options as they relate to your attempt to escape an abusive relationship.



It is frequently incorrectly assumed that lesbian, bi and gay abuse must be "mutual." It is not often seen as being mutual in heterosexual battering.

Victims often believe that in order to use existing services (such as a shelter, attending support groups or calling a crisis line) they must lie or hide the gender of the batterer to be perceived (and thus accepted) as a heterosexual. Or it can mean "coming out", which is a major life decision. If lesbians, bisexuals and gays come out to service providers who are not discreet with this information, it could lead to the victim losing their home, job, custody of children, etc. This may also precipitate local and/or statewide laws to affect some of these changes, depending on the area.

GLBT victims are often not as financially tied to their partner, which can be a benefit if they decide to end the relationship. However, if their lives are financially intertwined, such as each paying a rent or mortgage and having "built a home together", they have no legal process to assist in making sure assets are evenly divided, a process which exists for their married, heterosexual counterparts.

Telling heterosexuals about battering in a GLBT relationship can reinforce the myth many believe that lesbian, bisexual and gay relationships are disfunctional. This can further cause the victim to feel isolated and unsupported. The GLBT community itself is often not supportive of victims of battering because many want to maintain the myth that there are no problems (such as child abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, etc.) in these relationships. As long as the community continues to put priority in pretending gays and lesbians don't experience abuse, resources will remain scarce, and outreach will continue to suffer. The strange reality is that a vast number of advocates and helping professionals who dedicate themselves to assisting ALL victims of domestic violence, both straight and queer, are themselves gays and lesbians, including the majority of the people who make up OUR organization and publish this very website.

Receiving support services to help one escape a battering relationship is more difficult when there are also oppressions faced. Battered lesbians and female bisexuals automatically encounter sexism and homophobia, and gay and bisexual men encounter homophobia. Lesbian or gay people of color who are battered also face racism. These forms of social oppressions make it more difficult for these groups to get the support needed (legal, financial, social, housing, medical, etc.) to escape and live freely from an abusive relationship.

Lesbian, bi and gay survivors of battering may not know others who are lesbian, bi or gay, meaning that leaving the abuser could result in total isolation.

The GLBT community within the area may be small, and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of their abuse. Sides will be taken and support may be difficult to find. Anonymity is not an option, a characteristic many heterosexual survivors can draw upon in "starting a new life" for themselves within the same city.




Same Sex Domestic Violence: Research and Statistics
The prevalence of domestic violence among Gay and Lesbian couples is approximately 25 - 33%.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 25.

Battering among Lesbians crosses age, race, class, lifestyle and socio-economic lines.
Lobel, ed., Naming the Violence: Speaking Out About Lesbian Battering, 183 (1986).


Each year, between 50,000 and 100,000 Lesbian women and as many as 500,000 Gay men are battered.
Murphy, Queer Justice: Equal Protection for Victims of Same-Sex Domestic Violence, 30 Valparaiso University Law Review. 335 (1995).

While same-sex battering mirrors heterosexual battering both in type and prevalence, its victims receive fewer protections.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.

Seven states define domestic violence in a way that specifically excludes same-sex victims. States with sodomy laws basically require same-sex victims to confess to a crime in order to prove they are in a domestic relationship.
Barnes, It's Just a Quarrel', American Bar Association Journal, February 1998, p. 24.

Same-sex batterers use forms of abuse similar to those of heterosexual batterers. they have an additional weapon in the threat of "outing" their partner to family, friends, employers or community.
Lundy, Abuse That Dare Not Speak Its Name: Assisting Victims of Lesbian and Gay Domestic Violence in Massachusetts, 28 New England Law Review 273 (Winter 1993).




Remember that you didn't cause your abuse. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Don't let your partner control or mistreat you. Help is available.
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