Femmes: How do you like to be treated on a date?

[jac]

Taking notes...

[Electrocell]

Originally Posted by gaea

for me carnations (being my favorite flower) would be so much better than roses any day of my life......

Had an ex who prefered carnations because roses reminded her of the death of her only son.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Im not interested in all of your exes......at this stage in the game we would both be single and even though your exes are a big part of who you are there is no need to talk about them constantly.

ah see... this is such a variable with people! I love talking about relationships. and love hearing about them. One ex and I *met* because we had both just been left by our wives. We spent a good 50% of our time together discussing what was going on with our exes and us, how we were coping, what we thought had gone wrong, omg they are driving me crazy, or actually I miss them (I am actually pretty empathetic about that), would we ever get married again, what about the kid (her step daughter)... and it was brilliant. we both needed it.

Then both of us needed some time on our own... during which she got involved with someone else. We then returned to our friendship and found out the feelings we had for each other were still there and pretty big. I think because what we had done/built was based on friendship and support and wasn't about anything else but that... and there chemistry was still there. We talked about what to do after trying to ignore that for a while - should we get back together? She had feelings for both of us but the girl she is with just gave her a greater sense of stability, which she really needs. I was broken hearted but because I know her quite well, understand her needs, respect them and actually love her as a person/friend, I "got" it. She really does need a lot of stability, and no, I couldn't give her that level of it, unfortunately. And I think her lovely gf probably has more patience than I do. I adore her gf too.

Throughout everything we've been exceptional friends. Even when fighting she'll text me every day to see how I am. She's never lied to me. She's never abandoned me.

This is a big lesson for me. It's taught me that actually... if people are sorting things out? It's ok. And because she and I talk every single day, she's almost like a weird kind of brother to me, I love her to bits, I do talk about her a lot. Just like I talk about Eve, my flatmate and very close friend, a lot because they are in my daily life - they are my family on this continent, 5000 miles from home. And I love them both. And whomever is interested in me is going to hear a lot about them.

So I prefer for people to tell me their stories about their relationships and things in depth. I love hearing their take on how it went, what happened and how they feel about it now. I'm an Extrovert with a big "E" and therefore I need to vocalise my inner thoughts and bounce them off other people in order to process them properly. If things stay in my head they rot. So I equally love people who tell me *everything* and the why what where when about it. And invite me to have a conversation with them about it. Like I do with mine. Circle things, draw lines under others, arrows, stars and notations. Fabulous.

As for flowers... hand picked. wild flowers. But really, not early in the friendship when we are just hangin out. Maybe if you know I'm feelin like crap that day (exhausted, down, crabby) and you swing past to ask if you can get me anything, bring me some hand picked flowers from the roadside, I'd love that.

I dunno, dates. I went on them with my wife even after being married but I don't really want to "date" anymore. If that makes any sense. I just want to hang out as friends and if there's a ton of chemistry, we'll take it from there.

I think I just can't deal with the frame of mind of dating anymore. I just want to do things I'd do with my friends. I want an important friendship that goes somewhere with good chemistry. The thought of going on a "date" just makes me feel exhausted.

[*Anya*]

Originally Posted by Uniqueswtfemm

Star gazer lilies and you can have me now!!

Stargazer lilies and you will be taking me to the ER on our date because I will be wheezing and having an asthma attack.

Careful with the flowers until you know if someone is allergic or not...

[Electrocell]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Stargazer lilies and you will be taking me to the ER on our date because I will be wheezing and having an asthma attack.

Careful with the flowers until you know if someone is allergic or not...

Agree with you on this, Hopefully the both of you have talked long enough before you meet to at least find out things like this about each other.

[girl_dee]

Electrocell you and i chatted about this before, and i have thought about it since then..

IMO regarding flowers or any other nicety, it depends on the conversations and situation leading up to the "meeting".

Showing up to pick someone up at home for a date, with some flowers.. to be escorted on a date can be a good thing.

If iv'e been chatting to you online and you show up with a bouquet of flowers at a concert for example, at out first meeting i may feel uncomfy about that. Especially if i don't like attention drawn to myself, that would be overdoing it for me. Trying too hard. Just meet me for some conversation and coffee in clean clothes, sober, with your respect in tact and that would go way further than flowers.

i do agree first dates are about getting to know each other. i've never been impressed with flowers per se, now a nice fishing rod, that would impress me. At least it required a thought process about me.

However, i do like a simple daisy.

[Toughy]

Originally Posted by honeybarbara

<snip>

I dunno, dates. I went on them with my wife even after being married but I don't really want to "date" anymore. If that makes any sense. I just want to hang out as friends and if there's a ton of chemistry, we'll take it from there.

I think I just can't deal with the frame of mind of dating anymore. I just want to do things I'd do with my friends. I want an important friendship that goes somewhere with good chemistry. The thought of going on a "date" just makes me feel exhausted.

I read this and a light got turned on. Thanks

[macele]

there's a time and a place to talk about exes, ... on a date is not one of them. i think a first date "gift" (meaning like flowers) could be decided upon by the woman i am taking out. i could find a place to buy flowers before the date and then say something like "i wasn't sure if you like flowers, so i'm asking now ... and if so, what kind? i know this great place if you'd let me take you there." now this of course would depend on if there's a place open lol. but hey, i could purposely make the date on a saturday afternoon! now if she doesn't like flowers, or allergic, ... i need a back up plan lol.

i like to listen for clues as to what she likes. just show up with a cool gift. when her face lights up, ... maybe an omg! i love it!, ... makes me smile and blush thinking about it.

if she told me she'd rather have a scoop (or 2!) of butter pecan ice cream, ... i'd be happy to get what she wants.

i enjoy reading! thanks.

[Electrocell]

That was why I was asking if I was out of date when it came to stuff like this . Haven't dated in a long time and am willing to ask the the advice of the all the ladies . Thank you.

Originally Posted by Cajun_dee

Electrocell you and i chatted about this before, and i have thought about it since then..

IMO regarding flowers or any other nicety, it depends on the conversations and situation leading up to the "meeting".

Showing up to pick someone up at home for a date, with some flowers.. to be escorted on a date can be a good thing.

If iv'e been chatting to you online and you show up with a bouquet of flowers at a concert for example, at out first meeting i may feel uncomfy about that. Especially if i don't like attention drawn to myself, that would be overdoing it for me. Trying too hard. Just meet me for some conversation and coffee in clean clothes, sober, with your respect in tact and that would go way further than flowers.

i do agree first dates are about getting to know each other. i've never been impressed with flowers per se, now a nice fishing rod, that would impress me. At least it required a thought process about me.

However, i do like a simple daisy.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Electrocell

That was why I was asking if I was out of date when it came to stuff like this . Haven't dated in a long time and am willing to ask the the advice of the all the ladies . Thank you.

You are truly a nice gent...

[thedivahrrrself]

There's a place for talk about exes, one of the first things you want to know about someone is why they're single. It brings up red flags if it's ALL the ex's fault, and you are always the innocent victim in the ends of your relationships. It's also a big red flag if you go on & on about an ex. You're probably not over her yet.


I second everything gaea said about obsession with "hotness" - HUGE turn-off!

And if I ever decide to date Dee, I'm bringing a fishing pole

[imperfect_cupcake]

I think it just depends on who you are as a person regarding ex stuff. Since I don't want to date, I just want to hang out, then that means there are no "rules" about what one can say or talk about. I get to know them without being treated differently than a friend. And that way, I know a bit better about who they are, and for them to know who I am.

One of the things I HATE is when people stop the "best foot forward" bullshit and suddenly become who they are when relaxed and a friend. They aren't usually as attentive or interested or ...whatever. I'd like to get to know and accept how to be a real friend to someone (and vs versa) first. Will that turn into a relationship? who knows. More concerned about the friendship.

So as one's friend, yeah, actually, I wanna hear all about it - lay it on me. I actually also understand missing someone but not wanting to be with them. I don't know... after a marriage ending 5000 miles from home?? I "get" that sometimes you just won't get over what happened/an ex. No matter how much therapy you have. And I'd like to hear all about it.

If someone though, like stated, is never to blame, doesn't see how they contributed to any of the relationships ending, is excessively angry (instead of eyebally irritated) over something that happened and never wants to talk about it? not my kind of relationship person. We won't get along.

Would prefer to hang out and learn all that shit first.

And I don't mean on line getting to know you. I don't do that anymore. So if people are talking about long online dicussions and then meeting for a date... no. I mean meeting up asap to hang out as friends so one is at least reasonably local. Luckliy I can do that as I don't live in a small town with no transport.

No more internet stuff, I spent 12 years doing that! too much build up for me. that makes me tired too, along with the thought of dating...

[Sachita]

Originally Posted by gaea

Im not interested in all of your exes......at this stage in the game we would both be single and even though your exes are a big part of who you are there is no need to talk about them constantly.

also please don't tell me how "hot" you are or how "hot" everyone else thinks you are every minute or so it gets ridiculous and id become bored quickly with your over sized self inflated ego trip if i think your good looking ill tell you that however that wouldn't be why i chose a date with you.....looks fail as we age however kindness, respect, integrity all the good stuff stays....given the fact that im 42 I would rather date someone with a heart full of respect over a good looking butch any day of the week.

how "hot" someone is has never impressed me at all.....period. It has been my experience that feeding someones ego on a daily basis has only proved them to be insecure with who they are inside.

I also don't need to hear how hot i am every minute either that too will bore the shit out of me....that would scream you have no brain or ability to have a real conversion.....or your just avoiding something all together. It would also fall on deaf ears, i know im pretty but i don't use that to boost my ego and i wouldn't want you to do that either.

If your interested in dating me then understand upfront i have 3 grown kids and 2 grand babies that light up my life and that family is most important to me.

ps the terms "you " and "your" are generalized words and not targeted for anyone here.

I could have written this. lol

The moment someone starts up with all the ex drama, especially the sad story about how she ripped hym off and left hym with all this credit card debit blah blah... I mean it could have happened, I just don't want to hear about it on our date. I am the center of the universe! Nothing happened before or after me. lol

Ditto on my family. If you want to date me then you'll have to be ok with it because my granddaughter is around a LOT.

I enjoy being treated special. Someone who has taken the time to understand what makes me happy and what thrills me. They want to make me happy and see me smile. They enjoy watching me light up.

Don't show up empty handed especially when you're coming to my house and I'm cooking dinner. Don't show up with a bottle of boones farm. It tells me that you don't know me that well or that you've put zero thought into planning our date.

Don't bore me with stories about people I don't know. Your sister ex boyfriends sister's cousin who needs a fake leg and how awful your brother from another mother is to his dog. I DON'T care! omg this drives me nuts! Living in the south I am bombarded by small talk and it drives me nuts.

I better stop. lol- I'm a bitch and my expectations very high. If you want to date me your standards should be high too.

[Sachita]

if I want to go beyond the first date then at some point I may ask about past relationships and why they didn't work. I think this is normal

[ruffryder]

Originally Posted by *Anya*

Just treat me the same way you want to be treated!

First dates for me are always a meeting at a coffee house for coffee-dutch, of course. When we make arrangements, I always suggest either morning or afternoon. Never a fancy dinner at a restaurant. I like to keep it low-key with minimal expectations for either of us.

If I don't feel a connection for any reason, it is easy to keep the date short and sweet and be on my way.

If there is any sort of connection, we will know it and can take it from there to arrange other dates.

This is how my honey and I started our dates


One date was also watching football at a sports bar/restaurant with her wearing one of my shirts and sharing food. She had a blast!

A lot of our dates were coffee , lunch, dinner dates and we just laughed and laughed and laughed and then we fell in love.

[Femminator]

Personally I don't want to know about your exs unless I ask. This will not happen for me until several dates. For general dates:

Show up early, not more than 15-20 mins however,(unless you want to wait while I primp) do not show up late. Am I so unimportant that you can't get there on time? If you have to be late, for an emergency that came up, caught in traffic etc, call me. As soon as you realize you will be late, even if it is 4 hours earlier, I need to know so I am not sitting around in my outfit and getting it mussed and wrinkled.

Show up nicely dressed, not in a football jersey and holey jeans. Really, I am taking time to get pretty for you, can't you get handsome for me?

Do not assume that spending money will equal a good date. It has nothing to do with money. Everything to do with how you treat me, how you make me feel and if you listen.

I am a lady. Please treat me like one. Drop me off at the door, and then go park if it is nasty or you have to park a long ways off. Hold my door and escort me in if we are going to a party or a resturant, allow me to sit while you stand if there is no place to sit.

Make me feel special, and cherished. I don't care if I have dated you one time, or am married to you(which my wife does treat me as above). Treat me like you know I am precious to you and you will be greatly rewarded.

[Ginger]

Be kind. Recognize me.

[imperfect_cupcake]

Treat me like you know I am precious to you and you will be greatly rewarded.

oh absolutely. As the friendship develops and we start to value each other, by being shown I am very valued in way important to that person - and in ways I can understand and recognise (I like to feel safe, above all things).

If we are talking about what impresses us in the way they go about showing us they are interested, rather than dating?

from my blog:

But I like my women with intelligence, a back bone, the ability to stand up to me, disagree with me, teach me new things about people, challenge my beliefs, stimulate me to grow... and of course adore me. I'm a complete sucker for being chased in a feisty, fun way. Not a wet whiney way. Don't keep showing up at my door with flowers with drippy eyeballs. Be a playful, pisstaking, persistant gentleman-woman. Maybe ask me to treat your back. Insist on carrying my things. Don't take no for an answer to take me to dinner, be able to playfully tell me to shut up. I like that. I'll tell you to shut up too, and you'd best find that type of banter fun.

Self depricating humour, crusty, gritty banter, give a good playful insult and able to take a good comeback.

I think because we are all so very different it's going to be hard to find any kind of one style fits. Respect is not a universal understanding. it's very relative.

It's interesting reading, that for sure.

[Martina]

Originally Posted by gaea

also please don't tell me how "hot" you are or how "hot" everyone else thinks you are

It's surprising to me how many people do this. They often do this early, before the first date. So . . . you know, no first date. But it's common. *rme* So funny.

[imperfect_cupcake]

really? I hope I'm not in for an annoying suprise when I move home... or is this purely an on line thing?