The Gendering of the Young

[Jess]

Originally Posted by Nat

I've had several facebook friends link to this blog post recently - and I think it fits this thread pretty perfectly. I found it especially interesting how the other moms were the main source of bs - not the other kids.

The Today show picked up on this story and actually handled it quite well. Here is their interview with this mom and the author of My Princess Boy, the mother of a vibrant young boy who enjoys all things "pink and pretty"

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/400693...day-parenting/

and here is the link to the author's page for her book

http://myprincessboy.com/


It was actually refreshing to hear them discuss even briefly the gender issues instead of the tired old " it will make your kid gay" rhetoric.

[Greyson]

Prudence is an "Advice Columnist" of the same genre as "Dear Abby." I thought her advice was informative and a couple of references in her reply supplied two very pertinent links. I highlighted them in blue at the bottom of the post.


All I Want for Christmas

Prudie's advice on a boy who begged Santa for a skirt

By Emily Yoffe

Dear Prudence:
I am the father of a bright, artistic, and thoughtful 5-year-old boy. He enjoys playing dress-up and, from time to time, putting on his mother's shoes or jewelry and declaring that he is a girl. Recently, when my wife and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he told us he wanted a skirt so that he could be a girl. We weren't sure whether he was serious, but when he saw Santa at the mall, he very earnestly declared that he wanted a skirt. Since that time, he has written several letters to Santa, and in each he has asked for a skirt. (As an aside, we gladly let him dress up as the Wicked Witch of the West for Halloween, which provoked some stares and insensitive comments, to which he was thankfully oblivious.) While we want him to be his own person and be comfortable in his own shoes (ruby or otherwise), my wife and I aren't sure whether to honor this request, as he undoubtedly will want to wear the skirt outside of the home eventually, which leads to a series of difficult conversations that we aren't prepared to have with a kindergartener. Yet we know he will be heartbroken if Santa does not bring him a skirt of his own.

—Conflicted at Christmas

Dear Conflicted,
How lucky that your son has parents such as you, who will adore him, ruby slippers and all. It's too early to know for sure where his desire to dress up will lead. But studies show that little boys with a persistent interest in wearing girls' clothes, and who have other nonconforming gender behaviors, have a strong likelihood of eventually identifying themselves as gay. If that is the case for your son, when the time comes for him to come out, happily for your relationship with him, it will come as no surprise. My colleague Hanna Rosin's fascinating piece about these children makes the important point that the vast majority are not transsexual. To the concrete-thinking mind of a 5-year-old boy who likes typically girly things, saying he's a girl is a way to express this interest. I spoke with Catherine Tuerk, co-founder of the Gender and Sexuality Development Program at the Children's National Medical Center. She said it's very important that you have a talk with your son because you've got reassuring news to tell him: that although he may suspect he's the only boy who feels the way he does, actually there are a lot of boys like him, and as he gets older, he will make friends with many of them. Explain to him that there are different kinds of boys—he's a boy who's interested in things girls also like, and that's terrific. You can tell him some boys act more like bumblebees, some like butterflies.

When he opens his present, he will see that Santa heard his plea and delivered a skirt. But Tuerk said you need to have another conversation, one that's going to be a little harder, about the skirt. You have to explain to him that not everybody understands how many different kinds of boys there are, and so if he wears his skirt to the playground, or to school, there are going to be people who say mean things or make fun of him. Tell him you want to figure out the places he can wear his skirt—at home, maybe grandma's, etc.—where he can enjoy it and feel comfortable. This conversation is not about conveying shame, but about giving your child good options, and not locking him into a limited identity ("The boy who dresses like a girl!") with his classmates. As Tuerk points out, often as these boys get a little older the intense desire to dress up wanes, and they find other avenues—art classes, theater—to express their interest in beauty and fabulousness. There are many conversations ahead for all of you, and at the CNMC Web site are materials on childhood gender issues, book suggestions for you and your son, and information about support groups. Talking about your bright, thoughtful, artistic son with other parents of similar children will benefit you and your darling butterfly.

—Prudie

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2008/11/a-boy-apos-s-life/7059/5#

http://www.childrensnational.org/DepartmentsandPrograms/default.aspx?Id=6178&Type=Program&Name=Gender%20an d%20Sexuality%20Development%20Program

http://www.slate.com/id/2277578?wpisrc=newsletter

[Medusa]

I had a really sweet encounter today at Wal-Mart.

Jack and I were in the condiment aisle and looked up and saw a mother and two children pass; one boy and one girl.

The little boy was wearing a full-length black and white (maybe chinchilla?) fur coat. It was dragging the ground and practically dwarfed him.

The family were walking down the center traffic aisle and lots of people were staring. Some folks high-fived the little boy. One man fist-pumped and said "He is Big Pimpin'!"

I hustled down the aisle to get a better look and the Mom kinda turned toward me and smiled this huge smile. I rounded the corner and little man was drawing some major attention with people smiling huge and being pretty jovial.

His Mom turned around and smiled at me again and I said, "He is adorable! Is that his coat or yours?"
Her response was pretty amazing, "Well, it's mine but he was cold when we got out of the car and he wanted to wear it. I let him wear whatever he wants."

That was when the little boy turned around and faced me. His entire mouth was covered in hot pink glittery lip gloss.

I said something like, "Hey little man! How old are you?"

He held up 4 fingers (although it might have been 5 because his little hand wasnt open all the way) and that was when his sister informed me that she was 3 and smiled to reveal a mouth full of silver-capped teeth.

I asked Mom if I could take a picture of him from the back to remember for a piece of art. She said, "Sure!" I couldnt believe it!

The way Mom looked down at him so lovingly told me all I needed to know about how she was raising him. This wasnt an ignorant woman, she seemed to just want her son to be happy.

My heart was lifted. <3

[Soon]

Gendered toy marketing, word cloud edition.

By VANESSA | Published: APRIL 22, 2011

Hot damn, I love word clouds. This blogger create these based on two lists of products marketed as “girls” and “boys” toys, and the words used in television commercials advertising them.

[Nat]

That's really interesting. Thanks for posting that.

[Xavi]

Word clouds are awesome, and really useful. I'm very visual, and those bring home to me in a super direct way the things that disturb me the most about how toys are gendered.

Ana and I have thought about how we would raise children and struggled a lot with trying to figure out how to raise kids in a way that would most enable them to organically and unafraid-ly (is that a word? I don't think so.) express their own identity. So far, I think green and yellow are really good primary colors for baby rooms and what not.

I don't have the links on hand, but I've read about adults identifying all babies and children as boys unless they have some sort of really obvious female or feminine constructed traits or accessories, like pink hair bows and clothing, or very long hair.

I think what I struggle with the most about this, aside from what would happen when my kids go to school and are exposed to lots of gender policing from adults and other kids, is that sort of gender essentialist phase that lots of kids seem to go through when they're somewhere in between toddlers and in junior high. I don't know if that's really a part of how young brains process and learn about sex and gender, or more about the things they learn from other people.

By gender essentialist phase, I mean that phase where a lot of female children decide they're fairy princesses because they're a girl and male children decide they're rambo because they're a boy. Obviously this has a lot to do with marketing as well, as the word clouds show. Mostly this all makes me want to get a degree in psychology or something before raising kids.

[EnderD_503]

@Greyson's All I Want For Christmas Post:

I'm not sure. I think my feelings are mixed on the advice Prudence gave. On the one hand, I understand why she would suggest that the boy only wear his skirt at home/at grandparent's place and so on. On the other hand, I think if a boy wants to wear a skirt and still be a boy then I think other kids and adults as well should be exposed to that. Sure, explain to him that some people might not have nice things to say about his wearing a skirt, but if decided that he wanted to wear the skirt to school...maybe talk to his teachers about it? That way they at least know what's going on and can look out for him.

Reminds me of the film Ma vie en rose a little. But yes, I think it's important not to shame kids who might want to dress outside typical "gendered clothing" and I understand that Prudence was trying to avoid that and commend her for it. At the same time, I think limiting the time he could wear his skirt might still have that "shaming" effect...as though there is something wrong with it that he'd only be able to wear it hidden from the view of his classmates.

[ana]

I agree, it's super disturbing how kids' things are so very gendered.

I read that column the post above me refers to, and I was a bit conflicted. I get where the author was going with the whole "wear the skirt in safer spaces" advice, but it also seems kinda crappy. I mean, it's like saying to your kid, "Yay! You're awesome! Be whoever you are! Umm, well, unless you're here... or here ... How about we stick to grandma's house?"

At the same time, the super protective femmeness comes out in me, and I'm determined to protect the beautiful, awesome, queerness of kids from the world so that they can be who they are and figure out where they fit without the jerks raining on their pride parade.

[Soon]

Family Describes Anti-Sissy Therapy

[Nat]

A Swedish Preschool Attempts to Eliminate Gender

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by Nat

A Swedish Preschool Attempts to Eliminate Gender

http://www.butchfemmeplanet.com/foru...ead.php?t=3435

[blush]

Yanno, it seems like every time I hear about boys wanting skirts or to wear heel or boas, it leads into a much deeper discussion of their sexuality or gender.

Why. These questions aren't asked if a girl wants a dump truck or hates pink. Studies aren't done to probe if girls who like pants grow up to be lesbians. No one seemed to ask this child why he wanted a skirt. Maybe he thought they were more comfortable.

To me, it speaks to an undercurrent in our society that we lessen all things girly. A boy liking girly things is symptomatic of a deeper issue. A girl liking boy things is just cute.

Madonna said it best: "because you think being a girl is degrading"

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Ads for a FL Martial Arts Academy:





http://copyranter.blogspot.com/2010/...tle-cross.html

can i just say i absolutely effin love those picks! who'd wanna stop that??

[Slater]

I think that Swedish pre-school is on the right track. I've been thinking lately that really there should be a single gender label/pronoun that is used exclusively and universally for very young children. And there might even reasonably be a transitional set of gender identities between this single young-child neutral gender and the full array of adult genders.

--Slater

[greeneyedgrrl]

I <3 that idea!

Originally Posted by Slater

I think that Swedish pre-school is on the right track. I've been thinking lately that really there should be a single gender label/pronoun that is used exclusively and universally for very young children. And there might even reasonably be a transitional set of gender identities between this single young-child neutral gender and the full array of adult genders.

--Slater

[Soon]

Gender Diversity and Kids: Happiness Matters, not Nail Polish

"My son wants to wear nail polish."

"My daughter wants her hair cut very short."

These are real-life situations that parents of young children I know have faced. And while many parents would seek to tamp down such expression out of fear for their child's safety -- or even outrage at his or her defiance of how boys and girls "ought to be" -- I have a very different response. I argue that parents should encourage their children to express themselves as they want.

I am the head of Gender Spectrum, a San Francisco-based organization for families of boys and girls who don't conform to conventional gender stereotypes. I know that not every little girl wants to be a princess, nor does every boy want to be a cowboy or superhero. Yet for far too long, society's response to these children has been either silence or mockery. It is time for this to change.

While society has changed a great deal over the last few decades, the notion of rigid gender roles continues to thrive in ways that play no small part in our children's upbringing. As parents, we instruct gender, but so too do the media, schools, and religious institutions. Gender roles and expectations become intricately woven into the fabric of our beings without our even realizing it.

Through my work over the past two decades with parents, I have found that it can consequently be incredibly hard for parents to simply allow their children to express themselves. But this is only even an issue because many of the things children naturally want to do, and the ways children naturally want to express themselves have had a stamp of gender added to them. Hairstyles, toys, and clothing preferences have no innate gender, yet few of us hesitate to attach a gender to them.

I argue that our basic values as parents should not change simply because we are thinking about our sons rather than our daughters, or vice versa. The important question isn't whether this style of dress, toy, or nail polish is appropriate for a son or daughter; it's whether it's appropriate for a child.

These things are not expressions of gender -- they are natural expressions of self. If we simply love and support our children equally, without judging their expression based on their gender, we are then free to focus on instilling the values that are really important to us.

We tell our kids to be who they are and unashamed of their differences. Yet when it comes to gender expression, we still struggle. We think: Should I allow my child to cross this line? Where is the line, anyway? What will the neighbors, teachers, and grandparents think? Won't I be setting him up for teasing? Won't I be encouraging him to be gay?

We want our children to be appreciated and accepted, but we parents also want to be approved of and accepted. This creates a sad double standard.

It is normal to feel that social change takes away our sense of security. Each generation has these struggles with their children. But it is a natural part of social growth. It is time to let go. When a child spends his or her time regulating the mannerisms he or she adopts, or what he or she wears or plays, it detracts from the same energy that children can put towards learning and creative or athletic expression.

How do we allow our children to throw off sexist notions of self-expression, while still keeping them safe? My answer is clear: Colors are colors, toys are toys, clothes are clothes, and hair is hair. Each person is entitled to express his or individuality and personal preferences to the extent that it does not hurt anyone else. We do not disrespect others, we honor everyone's choice to express themselves, and we self-correct if we lapse into judgment ourselves. It is up to us, to each family, to instill these values for the future.

Equally important is that the same values are reinforced at school. At Gender Spectrum, we have worked with countless children in their classrooms, and can vouch that children are ready for these changes. Education merely requires age-appropriate discussion of matters such as how some girls prefer short hair and some boys want to play with dolls. There is no agenda other than understanding and acceptance. Kids of all ages are receptive to and ready for these conversations. From there, our guidelines are simple: If we honor and respect one another, we can all get along.

More and more parents are living these guidelines every day. At the end of July, Gender Spectrum will hold its annual Family Conference, which will bring hundreds of gender-nonconforming children and teenagers, their families, and allies together. For a few days, they will have the opportunity to see that they are not alone, to learn from each other, and to attend a wide range of programming on the different facets of the gender-nonconforming experience.

But of course, it all begins at home. Should you allow your son to wear nail polish out of the house? If he likes it, why not? Wearing nail polish will not make him gay; it will not make him transgender. It just may make him happy.

[greeneyedgrrl]

Originally Posted by HowSoonIsNow

Gender Diversity and Kids: Happiness Matters, not Nail Polish

great article! much harder to practice though. recently, i was with my kid at an event for girls in a conservative area and they had face painting (they got to do their own) and she wanted to paint a mustache and beard, (she's done it before and i love that she feels comfortable doing it in any setting.. it was (for me), in this particular place, uncomfortable. i let her do it, it wasn't dangerous, just uncomfortable), but it was HARD (i was surprised at how hard it was for me). i had to really look at the feelings/fear that came up for me so that i wouldn't pass them onto her and i'm sure there was some transference because i didn't handle it very well at the event, i took her downtown (because she really wanted to be seen) where i felt safer so she could rock her new look. i'm a little embarrassed, k really embarrassed, that it took me a min to get my bearings (after i rushed her out of the event).

[Bad_boi]

I say let kids be kids. If I had children I would let them do what they felt comfortable doing. I may warn them if they do certain things that other children may tease them so they are aware of their choices. As long as it is age apropreate not harmful there is nothing wrong with them dressing how they choose and how they act.

[Nat]

Saw this today and thought it was cute to see a depiction of a dad playing princess with his daughter. One of my coworkers admitted to doing much the same a few years back - wearing a tiara with his daughter and having tea with her.

[dykeumentary]

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/07/fa...anted=all&_r=0

This is a link to a NYTimes article this week about parents of gay children. I know they were trying to be helpful, but here's the part that continues to be problematic:

"Parents aren’t blind, and the clues are often there. Some research suggests that sexual orientation can show itself even at 3 years old. In our family, by the time our youngest son came out at 13, my wife and I had long progressed from inkling to conviction. A toddler who wore a feather boa around the house and pleaded for pink light-up sneakers with rhinestones is probably telling you something, even if he doesn’t yet know what it is."

I look forward to the day when colors and accessories "equate" neither gender nor sexuality.