Beyond Owning It...

[Elijah]

I have been thinking lately that we (as a species) are very quick to point out flaws in others, but make a lesser effort at shining that spotlight on own part of what is going on.

This thread is for those brave enough to step up and own their own "stuff", but I want to take it a step further. Now that we have identified what the issue is (or your part of it) now what will you do about it? How will you affect some change in your own life?

So if it's an "ism" you struggle with, or a character flaw, or ??, here is where you can put it out there, own it, and get focused on what your next step is in some self-growth or perhaps solicit some advice from your fellow community members. Please refrain from giving advice if it isn't asked for.

Also, please remember that putting yourself out there is a very brave and difficult thing to do, so please be kind to each other. Take time to read and hear each other, and ask questions if need be.

I didn't put this thread in the red-zone because I think it's important that we behave, so that everyone can feel safe and heard.

~Elijah

[WickedFemme]

I'm currently working on 'life balance'. What I mean by that is to give equal energy to my home life and work life. Sometimes I bring my work home and it gets annoying for my partner. She is very supportive and all, but sometimes I get annoyed with my work stuff and it just gets in the way of having a peaceful evening. I would be open to some tips or advice on how to leave it there especially when things are really shitty at work. I also sometimes think that I get very self-centered when I am going on and on about work. argh! Good thread.
thanks

[Elijah]

I have a tendency to think whatever group I am a part of is somehow superior to whatever the "other" group is, i.e. kinky is better than vanilla, butches who date femmes are better than those who date other butches, etc., etc. and of course it's all utter nonsense. I know intellectually it simply isn't true, but sometimes My ego get's the best of Me and it's complete rubbish.

So first, My apologizes to vanilla and butch loving butches everywhere.

Second, I plan to do some self examination around these and other issues and continue to remind Myself what utter crap that is when My ego takes Me down that path.

~Elijah

[WickedFemme]

Thanks Elijah - that is such a tough one (the ego). I recall being all about being in the 'in crowd', etc. Even in the context of the bdsm community it used to be important to me. I don't know what changed for me - perhaps I just got burned out on it all or something or maybe I got more comfortable with myself. I know that now my self-esteem is much higher than it's been in years and I am very content with my life. It's just not that important to me anymore to be part of the crowd or a particular group. I found that those things didn't provide me what I really needed in my life nor did it make me feel any better about myself. Actually, it made me feel worse about myself being part of the crowd or around people who were so judgemental and mean, etc. I've simplified my life, stopped going to social events and stopped having expectations of others. Reality is a better place to live, my life is simpler with very good quality friends. I really am starting to understand that quality is better than quantify. I am also understanding that the most important things in life are not the things. Maybe it's that I am getting older and using my energy more wisely these days.

This is a great thread you started. thanks! I sure hope you were asking for a response to your last post

[Elijah]

Maybe you implement a system where you get X amount of time to vent about the days events when you get home, once the time is up, maybe you take X amount of time to be alone and decompress and then you both come back together and you turn your full attention back to your partner and your collective activities.

Originally Posted by WickedFemme

I'm currently working on 'life balance'. What I mean by that is to give equal energy to my home life and work life. Sometimes I bring my work home and it gets annoying for my partner. She is very supportive and all, but sometimes I get annoyed with my work stuff and it just gets in the way of having a peaceful evening. I would be open to some tips or advice on how to leave it there especially when things are really shitty at work. I also sometimes think that I get very self-centered when I am going on and on about work. argh! Good thread.
thanks

[lettertodaddy]

I freely admit my 'ism' is FtMs and how they fit into my ideas of lesbian community. How am I working on it? Listening to people. Keeping an open mind. Being honest when my preconceived notions are coming in to play. Shutting up. Watching. Learning. And hopefully through all of that, I'll find space within myself to broaden my horizons.

[WickedFemme]

Originally Posted by ElijahRene

Maybe you implement a system where you get X amount of time to vent about the days events when you get home, once the time is up, maybe you take X amount of time to be alone and decompress and then you both come back together and you turn your full attention back to your partner and your collective activities.

Good advice Elijah. I am going to do that.

[sweetfemme247]

I flirt to much and sometimes to forward

[Elijah]

I would ask 1. do you find this problematic and if so 2. what will you do to affect some change?

Originally Posted by sweetfemme247

I flirt to much and sometimes to forward

[always2late]

I've found that most of my issues revolve around trust. Although the basis of this issue was given to me by others, I have to acknowledge that I DO tend to stand in my own way. By holding on to the past, and by projecting the mistrust on to other people...people who have done nothing to deserve it...I have effectively allowed myself to be imprisoned by my past. I am working on this...trying to let it all go. To find a balance between holding on to the lessons learned and letting the past stay where it belongs.

[sweetfemme247]

Originally Posted by ElijahRene

I would ask 1. do you find this problematic and if so 2. what will you do to affect some change?

well I seem to scare away the butches because I am, i thought flirting was a good thing

[The_Lady_Snow]

Sometimes I want and let greed sweep over me and I want to give in and have cable!!!! When this happens I've been working on making mysel look around and see what I do have and remind myself that needs are different from wants!

[clay]

I own that my exuberance and zest for life, as in "seizing the moment" and grasping opportunities as they present themselves can "overwhelm" and while I won't offer any apologies, I will continue to be myself...just as I am...I am a very loving, very compassionate, and very tenderhearted person...I want to be this way!!! Thank you for this post and opportunity!!!

[DamonK]

I recognize it's from my past.

I notice I take the blame for many things. Half the time it's not even my fault. My supervisors at work realize this and stop me. It's ingrained in me.

Now, I try to think about what happened and if I had any fault.

For example, MBE had to spend days convincing me that another's reaction to what I said was not my fault. Yes I said something that triggered, but I didn't force them to react the way they did.

[foxyshaman]

I can be two people, well more if I really thought about it. I am normally a very shy, one foot in front of the other person, creative person, a leader so not a follower. The other side of me is exuberant, someone who takes chances and never says die, very loving, compassionate.

The people who know the outgoing person can't believe I am shy. It is the outgoing side of me that has put me into the role of leader for my community. But the other introspective part of me wants very little to do with humans. It is a tight rope to walk trying to balance the "out" me with the "in" me.

I am trying to take the "in" me out more. Volunteering at events where I know no one is the one thing I am going to try this fall. I am trying to take the "in" me to places where no one knows me so that I can find an authentic expression for myself.

I am seeking more balance than I have had in previous years. Balance is a challenge to me.

[ScandalAndy]

I lack patience in heated debates when others cannot grasp the concept I am presenting.

I am easily frustrated when communication is difficult and often look for something to blame it on.

I tend to judge harshly and react with venom when I perceive that someone has been harsh to me.


For all of these things I am trying to take my time and ask myself "how much of this is me, and how much of this is them? Are there things they might be going through that I don't know about that would influence how they are interacting with everyone around them?". I'm trying very hard to be more compassionate. I'm also working on starting a new thread with a friend to discuss what I find to be major stumbling blocks in communication.

[paintedleofemme]

I have anger issues, while I control it almost all the time I know its not good and what the anger does to me and my loved ones when I loose control, not physically abusive, but verbal is just as bad.

[Gráinne]

This seems appropriate, as I usually have my New Year's in September rather than the dark and gloom of January. Everything just seems so...refreshed.

I'm sloppy. When my home is sloppy, my mind is sloppy, too. Then I find that whatever I'm doing is half-assed and sloppy, too. This feeds in to my disorganziation. I worked all weekend and well into today to get my home right. Long way to go, but I can see progress .

I dealt with financial sloppiness, too. I went on a cash-only basis for everything but automatic pays, and set up a tracker. I think I'm spending less already.

I even have sloppiness of body. It's time to rejoin the gym (a nice one, with a pool), and get out and walk now that it's cooler.

I think it's possible to be sloppy with friendships, as well. I want more than just emails; I want snail mail, too. But I have to give to receive. I need to call my family a lot more to catch up, and the same with my closest friends. I need to really listen to my kids instead of half-listening while doing or watching something else.

Everything that I don't like about myself or my life ties in in some way with my sloppiness or laziness, and accepting far less than excellence. This isn't the example I wanted to set.

[Cin]

I don’t like to give up. Degree of difficulty for me is not a deterrent, quite the contrary. I seem to enjoy a challenge and keep at it until I’m successful. Or until I am satisfied that I never will be successful and it is in my best interest to let it go.

In theory this doesn’t sound like a character defect. However, in practice (at least the way I practice it) it really is. It is exhausting, albeit for those closest to me more than for me.

And while it is up to me how hard and how long I want to keep working at stuff, this way I have of being relentless effects my interactions with others as well. It translates into a certain doggedness that people find off putting. I am nothing if not persistent in my dealings with others. I have, more times than I care to remember, been told things like, “You’re like a dog with a bone”, “I feel like I’m being interrogated, wanna back off”, “Beat a dead horse much” and a variety of other similar sentiments. Apparently my stick-to-it- ness likes to recruit. I seem to think everyone wants to keep at something until they get it all worked out, or until they puke, whichever comes first.

I do the same thing when it comes to working through disagreements or understanding clearly exactly what someone else is trying to say to me. Or, and I am sure this is infinitely more annoying, I want to be perfectly clear regarding what I am trying to say to someone else and I want to be absolutely sure they understand. I want to keep at it until everything becomes clear. In the moment I’m so certain that everyone is invested in this.

I don’t know why I think that, since there is considerable evidence to the contrary. And it’s not like a secret I have to discover or a puzzle I have to work out, plenty of people, including my wife, have told me quite clearly (clear enough even for a clarity freak like me) that they are not interested in pursuing things until the tops of their heads explode. Yet there I am trying to make a case for why it will be fun and interesting or at least satisfying to get to the bottom of something or other. I am trying to figure out what is in it for me to keep this behavior up. I don’t understand why I can’t get it through my head nobody wants to be harassed and that’s how what I am doing feels for them. I’m really trying to not do this.

I just read this to my wife and she said and I quote “Fabulous news”.

[dixie]

Originally Posted by ScandalAndy

I lack patience in heated debates when others cannot grasp the concept I am presenting.

I am easily frustrated when communication is difficult and often look for something to blame it on.

I tend to judge harshly and react with venom when I perceive that someone has been harsh to me.


For all of these things I am trying to take my time and ask myself "how much of this is me, and how much of this is them? Are there things they might be going through that I don't know about that would influence how they are interacting with everyone around them?". I'm trying very hard to be more compassionate. I'm also working on starting a new thread with a friend to discuss what I find to be major stumbling blocks in communication.

I haven't even posted in this thread yet but already I see "advice". lol I have the same exact issues: easily frustrated, lack of patience, use of venom.

Those are good thoughts to ask yourself. I have been trying to do the same, learning (trying) how to not allow the comments/responses of others to hit so deeply with me. I don't like the feelings of frustration and anger that I sometimes get when debating subjects that are close to my heart or deal with passionate issues for me (and oh, there are many of those). I look forward to your discussion on those stumbling blocks, because I have many issues with that as well.