05-11-2013, 07:28 AM | #1761 |
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May 11
Out Standing in My Field Trying to remove expectations is like trying to unseed a field; it is damn near impossible until something crops up, though when it does I must act swiftly lest things take root. Tedious as it is, weeding the fields of unreasonable expectancy saves me from so much frustration later on. I don’t recognize it, but expectations are like little dictators forever ruling me; leaving no room for G-d or direction, not to mention flexibility or change. Tap roots dive for the vein and my life depends on fleet elimination of unsuitable desire. I can want. I can strive. I can not leave expectations to grow in my garden. Screen your comments when you can * STRETCHING Stretching is not equivalent to change Limbering is nice And warms the muscles, body and soul. Over-reaching, over-compensation is trauma It distorts the symmetry And breeds erroneous thinking. Extension beyond the bounds sets me up for a fall I misinterpret touching with finger tips With a firm and able grasp. I don’t step forward because I believe I have a hand on things Failing to see how this is different from an embrace. The sinew tears And the fabric of life is destroyed I lean forward but I go nowhere.
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05-11-2013, 03:19 PM | #1762 | |
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05-12-2013, 05:43 AM | #1763 |
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May 12
Box-a-week Tao I am going through so many changes surrounding the cleaning out and getting rid of process. The flat sided panic that I experience while even attempting the smallest disposal seems impossible. I would deny it if I didn't have the repetition of this experiment to prove it as fact. I have now moved into the part of the illness where I compulsively clean the things that I have emptied in order to avoid facing the next step, the next box, the next mess. This is a two part trap: part 1. If cleaning can absorb all the time I will not be able to do anything else. Part 2. If I can't keep it clean enough then I have an excuse to give up and not empty the next space. I am trying to keep moving without being mean to myself. Because mean is worse than mess. Try not to lose things you never had * CHOICE Growth is my decision I don’t need conflict or catastrophe to bring me to change I choose each day, come what may, to roll out the refuse I am not tempted to leave it in to rot just because the sun is shining Good days are good times to improve How could integrity be retarded by joy? I am not punished into recovery I will never accept a Higher Power who set up a system like that And give wide birth to people who claim their Higher Power did My bottom may have been an inducement to start But choice keeps me coming back.
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05-13-2013, 04:10 AM | #1764 |
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May 13
Be That Girl I have tried to protect the investment I made in the past by selling the soul of my future. I arrived self-possessed, a winning girl, but I slid the self from the scene leaving me simply possessed. I gained everything then lost it a piece at a time starting with the parts nearest my heart. I must draw the shards together once more and mend this lovely crystal. The art of living is insured by my action not by grasping at slivers in terror of what slips from my fingers. I am what I have inviolate and all else comes to fruition when I am pleased; when I am myself. Be aware which pens are poison * SOOT I diligently work to remove the soot. The residue from the last time I tried to hot wire my brain When I attempted the short circuit of my safety-thinking I caught my life on fire and flames, though brief, were spectacular. Electric fires are very jarring The burning insulation toxic It leaves bare, stuttering lines crossing and recrossing My stable base, the methods I once used to keep sane, is shot All because I wanted to go joyriding in my thoughts Suspended reality sounds so good but always bursts into flame Leaving me with soot removal as a hobby
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05-15-2013, 04:20 AM | #1765 |
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May 15
Madame Alexander I am, too naïve; if you show me kindness I will believe you, follow you, obey you, so, I have rules. These rules do not protect me, but they do make a box for me to seal myself inside. Where I will ship myself, stack myself; hide myself so well, that even I do not know. I pull the flaps down and pray not to have to make any real decisions. I fold my arms and close my mind, believing I could never adequately open it enough to safely live in the world outside of this closet. Here I sit wondering what to write on this label in order to be left alone all the while longing for true love, a thing never given to a quivering china doll shut up in a carton at the bottom of a wardrobe. Make a suggestion box for your heart * CELEBRATIONS You wore a wrist corsage to the dump? You said to celebrate every activity I retorted to my sponsor Yes, by doing them with purpose. Not everything needs to be a production number Sometimes just showing up is enough Putting to much energy into preparation Can leave you without resources It’s okay to make an appearance Do the simple act and move on That is a celebration in its own way Don’t squander your vitality on the mundane. Do you know what I mean, asks my sponsor? Don’t waste flowers on trash heaps, I answer Yes, and don’t wipe your bottom with poetry I mention this in case you get any ideas!
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05-16-2013, 04:12 AM | #1766 |
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May 16
Life Events in Burlap Two left feet in a gunnysack allows no forward motion and creates only a windmill that screws us into the ground. There is more perspective, front and back, more view, but nothing to do with it, nowhere to go. We are better off as book ends than this awkward foolish pairing. You go your way and I go mine works fine if we are cut lose, if any one person can be free of any other. You offer to change your perspective if I change mine. I smile, almost laugh at the idea of two right feet in a gunnysack and no improvement in sight. This is not grade school, not field day, I must turn to you or you to me and nothing else, no fair is fair, no turn taking. Because my past is not your future and your future is not my past. Face forward on both accounts and then we run the race. Allow your imagination to put on a slideshow for your resistance * THREE ROOSTERS The three roosters came to the meeting To hear themselves crow. The membership purely spectators In the longest, lowest, loudest sobriety competition. Those of us in the fray, we are like picked-on puppies Who learn slowly not to put our heads up To spare our eyes and hearts. The same noise comes repeatedly Suspicion is never aroused The heads nod at all the right places Orchestrated for ego and nothing else. The meeting is closed with a momentary prayer For the still suffering, in and out of the room I pray that will be enough.
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05-17-2013, 04:36 AM | #1767 |
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May 17
Underoos Why is it that I store undies I never wear in my panty drawer and leave no room for my favorites? Why is it that I have things in cupboards that have not seen the light of day in years, but they are kept as sacred? I don’t use my storage for me it is saved for obligation to inherited obsession. I live on the fringes of the only life I have; I didn’t question this, didn’t see it for what it really is. I don’t live in my skin only my head. I don’t enjoy today only plan for tomorrow. After years at this address it is time for me to move in. The mortgage is more than paid; it is time to spend my inheritance. Be kind when you win; be kind when you lose * PIROUETTES I turn and spin, the world flashes as I go. I am erect, proud of my self-possession. I can stand the forces of vector rotation Public opinion and gravity. Sobriety has made a dancer out of me. I sprint the stage and take my place. I know the moves and trust, as best I can The choreographer and choreography I feel the wind move on my body as I revolve The blur of existence spreads out before me I can let it pass To spot myself and keep my upright posture The only place that requires my clear and unobstructed view Is the line of sight from my sponsors eyes to mine.
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05-18-2013, 04:20 AM | #1768 |
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May 18
Pearly Whites Reaction is a separation, a polarization; it cuts you from me and God from we. Response is a connection, an inclusion; threading a line from you to me and stitching G-d into our pockets. I realize now that any positive connection is an instantaneous link to my Higher Power and can’t help but bring us closer. Tiny feet carry beauty and kindness; tiny teeth tear the fabric of the world to bits. I must let my footwork conduct my life’s work and seal my lips and reserve the dentistry. If you take the cake don’t take it far * DRIVEWAY TIME Layer after layer of blue stack the sky The moon risen and the sun dipping away I wait for the twin lights, the constellation of headlights My ride to the meeting. It will be the entry vehicle to a world of population Leaving behind the galaxy of me, the single star I stand silent and the feeling of fellowship carries the miles Laughter flies the winds of memory And all the old jokes of truth and tribute are fresh And abide with me until the car arrives And we make it all new again.
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05-19-2013, 06:02 AM | #1769 |
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May 19
Who Rang? Examine the instillation of your buttons as a process of discovery for disabling them. Pay attention to the wiring but also to the hardware. Sometimes the advertising is the thing which keeps alive something better off put to rest. Many things are rooted in other pots and have a lifeline from outside of the current host. All the connections and housing should be explored as well as what work the mechanism does once pressed. Is there a gong, tinkling bells? Does it release the wolves from their den or tiger from his lair? Information is a tool which never fails to help me in disassembling the traps and their triggers I must not shy from the gathering. If you reframe the past don’t crop reality * NETWORKS Testing my sponsor when I’m hurt Is like probing for gas with a lit cigar in my mouth If I can’t find a way to douse the cheroot before posing my questions It’s guaranteed I will get an explosive response I need a network They follow me with sand Snatch from me my burning pacifier And save me from sticking my smoldering end where it doesn’t belong We all need a little excitement in our lives But don’t have to become an incendiary device to fill the need I forget that boring isn’t the same as death It just feels that way Some days distance prevents disaster A good support system carries me away To face it on another day.
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05-20-2013, 04:20 AM | #1770 |
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May 20
Martinizing The price of upkeep scares me, it daunts me even. I pay the initial cost, I have bitten that bullet of required outlay; the continued charges for maintenance push my face in the mud until my ears clog. Avoiding the need of perpetual responsibility to things, relationships, life, doesn’t change the reality; rather it embeds in my skin a slick denial and an indignant retort to the drycleaners and shoe-shiners of the world. Waste and want play tag inside a misunderstanding of what is required of me; of what life requires in general. I must make quietude, draw a map and find my way to this psychic change; unfortunately all the little voices scream “Yes, you paid the price to see the show, but you don’t make enough to stay!” Check your mileage so you know how far you’ve come * POWER When power arrives It comes complete with a blindfold Mask and lullaby I am blinded to what effect I have Others can not see me Only the unchanging masquerade covering my face All my fears and apprehensions are soothed By the melody singing in my ear I am possessed The hard thump of the bottom reaching up to get me Is my sole hope of release I can’t reason my way back from a trip with power The isolation is too far reaching My senses numbed My thinking biased Salvation as a cold smack is the jolt required Fire takes fire Power takes the same
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05-21-2013, 04:23 AM | #1771 |
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May 21
NaCl I work arithmetic instead of telling you to stop. I make a light remark, never take a stand until I have worked the numbers and believe that the weight of suffering is on my side. I store in the cellar the salt I found in my wounds and label it with, names, dates and corresponding critique, all waiting, hoping, I will never need to disclose them, but keeping them accounted for just in case things go badly. I believe there is no chance for error with silence and no wrong when I have backup in the basement, but I need to table the salt and risk my reality. You can’t hurt me worse than I do when I pour old salt and create new wounds. Bang the drum, expect a sound * FROZEN STRAWBERRIES I have them in the freezer, I tell my sponsor I’m sure you do, when are you going to take them out And reenact spring, she retorts. I don’t want to take them out before I’m ready I don’t want them to go to waste. Oh the Excuse Maker, the Staller Are you going to drag all the old chestnuts out of the closet? I thought you were going to defrost the strawberries. Fear, you’re saying, Fear of strawberries is not a sign of stability I ask her? Eat the strawberries or not But it seems to me you didn’t get sober To avoid the sweeter things in life Keeping all your goodness locked up In the deep freeze Destined for frost bite.
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05-22-2013, 04:16 AM | #1772 |
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May 22
Inspection My disease paid a discourtesy call on my bourgeoning sobriety. Peeked in to look for cracks in my foundation; weaknesses to exploit. I recognized the patch job I had toyed with would have made the easiest of targets for this eroding thug. I am ever so grateful that I cleaned off all the bricks and made new mortar. Built on bedrock my re-laid block will withstand the indignity of the pounding, prodding sickness which use to inhabit this once dilapidated space. I can keep the villain at bay and live my cozy life thanks to a true level and the handsome turn of my trough. Personal knowledge is not the same as group knowledge * SPACE I stand behind the podium And talk about the event horizon Which brought me into these rooms. My audience, other unwitting astronauts, Whose lives, like mine were deconstructed By the Black Hole of addiction Though the time and place may be different The physics of compulsion and allergy Are precise and repetitive Nodding heads affirm my calculations To be accurate with the vectors And trajectories of their own experience I conclude, with the gratitude of a reassembled life And pray, with gravity For my feet to stay on the ground.
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05-22-2013, 04:59 AM | #1773 |
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I want to thank you so much for sharing your words everyday. Sometimes it is exactly what I need to hear right in that moment. Kind of like when we all go to meetings and it hits just the right spot in us, and we are grateful that we were there and heard the message from the speaker. I just want you to know I appreciate you, and the time you take here to post your words. Gratefully, Nan |
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05-22-2013, 10:55 AM | #1774 |
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May 22
Symptoms of a spiritual awakening “The steps lead to an awakening of a spiritual nature. This awakening is evidenced by changes in our lives.” Basic Text, p. 49 ––––=–––– We know how to recognize the disease of addiction. Its symptoms are indisputable. Besides an uncontrollable appetite for drugs, those suffering exhibit self-centered, self-seeking behavior. When our addiction was at its peak of activity, we were obviously in a great deal of pain. We relentlessly judged ourselves and others, and spent most of our time worrying or trying to control outcomes. Just as the disease of addiction is evidenced by definite symptoms, so is a spiritual awakening made manifest by certain obvious signs in a recovering addict. We may observe a tendency to think and act spontaneously, a loss of interest in judging or interpreting the actions of anyone else, an unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment, and frequent attacks of smiling. If we see someone exhibiting symptoms of a spiritual awakening, we should be aware that such awakenings are contagious. Our best course of action is to get close to these people. As we begin having frequent, overwhelming episodes of gratitude, an increased receptiveness to the love extended by our fellow members, and an uncontrollable urge to return this love, we’ll realize that we, too, have had a spiritual awakening. ––––=–––– Just for today: My strongest desire is to have a spiritual awakening. I will watch for its symptoms and rejoice when I discover them. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
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05-22-2013, 11:03 AM | #1775 |
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I am so tired of people whining about what might happen to them, never taking no chances or doing anything new.
Dorothy Allison Bastard out of Carolina Standing still and complaining hasn't brought us where we are today. Still, it sometimes feels like part of our process. We all experience times of worry, fear that things won't change, and doubt that we have what it takes to make a difference. When these feelings arise, we don't have to maintain stuck in negativity. We can review our journey so far, remembering positive actions we've taken, help we've accepted, and unexpected joys we have been blessed with. We've taken risks to explore and fulfill our unique natures as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender people in the face of discouragement by society. We've helped one another to heal, celebrate, and create. We've evolved resources, both practical and spiritual, for facing epidemics of sickness and loss. We can continue our journey of faith, willingness, and action, buoyed by our expectation that our good will continue to bless our lives. Today, I turn a worry or complaint around by taking positive action. I have faith in a good outcome. |
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05-23-2013, 04:15 AM | #1776 |
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May 23
The Delano’s Indifference is the backbone of power. It is a state of faithlessness, not infidelity, but rank apathy, saving every ounce of ardor for the prize you seek. I thought I was the prize and I am; I’m just no longer yours. Cast aside for the leviathan and the miscreants I wonder what I could have done to hold your attention, the answer is nothing. Nothing could be done. Blinded by the ambition of heroism the struggle is the goal and no gem no matter its brilliance can check your drive toward a place in the epic narrative. Tis the hero’s lament to save every life except your own. Bend with the tracks or don’t take the train * SEASONAL EXPECTATIONS If I am out of sync with the way the world turns I can be nothing but disappointed I arrive with ice skates on the hottest summer day And grieve the loss of spring I shiver in my sandals and ponder The need for a windshield scrapper, the autumn so long past I must orchestrate my moods and movements With the evolution and revolution about me I will learn to sing with the doves in the morning And the coyotes come the moon I can spin with the stars And grow with the grass I don’t need to counter-balance life If I learn to bend with the tides It all comes around again;
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05-23-2013, 07:33 AM | #1777 |
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May 23
Amends and sponsors “We want to be free of our guilt, but we don’t wish to do so at the expense of anyone else.” Basic Text, p. 40 ––––=–––– Let’s face it: Most of us left trails of destruction in our wakes and harmed anyone who got in our way. Some of the people we hurt most in our addiction were the people we loved most. In an effort to purge ourselves of the guilt we feel for what we’ve done, we may be tempted to share with our loved ones, in gruesome detail, things that are better left unsaid. Such disclosures could do much harm and may do little good. The Ninth Step is not about easing our guilty consciences; it’s about taking responsibility for the wrongs we’ve done. In working our Eighth and Ninth Steps, we should seek the guidance of our sponsor and amend our wrongs in a manner that won’t cause us to owe more amends. We are not just seeking freedom from remorse—we are seeking freedom from our defects. We never again want to inflict harm on our loved ones. One way to insure that we do not is by working the Ninth Step responsibly, checking our motives, and discussing with our sponsor the particular amends we plan to make before we make them. ––––=–––– Just for today: I wish to accept responsibility for my actions. Before making any amends, I will talk with my sponsor. Copyright © 1991-2013 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved |
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05-23-2013, 07:42 AM | #1778 |
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Only human beings find their way bay a light that illuminates more than the patch of ground they stand on.
Peter and Jean Medawar What is it that fills some of us with faith, while others are full of fear and anxiety? Not only in our communities, but within ourselves, trust in a Higher Power sometimes battles with doubt that our lives have meaning and hope. Faith is not a substance of which there's only a limited supply, available to some but not others. We can create and nourish faith by taking actions. One of the most powerful is simply to put ourselves in an atmosphere of faith: a Twelve Step meeting, spiritual retreat, healing circle, or religious service. The effects on us of meditation, prayer, or ritual are amplified when we practice them together. Hearing others speak from their faith kindles and supports our own. Alone, we can cultivate the habit of prayer or of reading spiritual literature as if we were exploring a new relationship, suspending judgement, seeing what comes to us from listening and reaching out to Spirit. Today, whatever my doubts or fears, I act as if I have faith. I stay open to the unfolding of a relationship with my own spirit. |
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05-24-2013, 04:16 AM | #1779 |
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May 24
Balustrade Just because you appeared from the dark doesn’t make you a wizard. Just because you make the world safe for mankind doesn’t make you Hercules, nor does your power and foresight make you his father. Your resourcefulness and guile doesn’t make you Ulysses. And just because you spend so much time strapped upon that cross doesn’t make you, well, we all know the rest of that refrain. Human is what you are whether I see that in you or not. Human is a blessing even if it feels to me a curse. I need the superhuman strength you seem to offer but I must live in the world of what is real. I want to be stolen away to the safety of your lair and not live on my feet and fight for my life. I have to stop wishing to be your captive and work harder at simply being your friend. If I can let you down off your pedestal perhaps I could then climb down off mine. Inscribe your heart’s values on your mind * MYTHIC ADULT My mythic adult is seen by the crowds around me Never is the charade exposed Close inspection has been suspended So we can keep each other’s secrets. Circulating through the crowd These children are impoverished From carrying this load of pretense Dropping this burden is a risk far too great. Exposure invites attack Stand tall, act brave, unreasonable expectations, Are the water which moves the wheel The power that generates this ongoing play. Hamlet is dead, yet I reprise the past daily, Daily I watch my fellows do the same I mimic a ghost I never knew in life Did it ever live or is it only a mythic adult?
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05-24-2013, 04:39 AM | #1780 |
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Gay DC psychiatrist named head of APA
Dr. Saul Levin, who last year became the first openly gay head of the D.C. Department of Health, was named on May 15 as the new chief executive officer and medical director of the American Psychiatric Association. An APA spokesperson said Levin, a psychiatrist who has specialized in substance abuse treatment, becomes the first known out gay person to head the APA, which was founded in 1844 and represents more than 33,000 psychiatric physicians in the U.S. and abroad. The APA serves as a “national medical specialty society whose physician members specialize in diagnosis, treatment, prevention, and research of mental illnesses including substance use disorders,” according to a statement on the organization’s website. “I have known Saul for over 20 years,” said Dr. James H. Scully Jr., the current APA CEO and Medical Director who is retiring in the fall, when Levin will take over his duties following a transition period set to begin in mid-July. “He brings extraordinary intelligence, vision and great energy to the challenges ahead for our profession,” Scully said in a statement. “I look forward to working together with him as we transition to new leadership.” D.C. Mayor Vincent Gray, who appointed Levin as interim director of the DOH last July, issued a statement on May 15 congratulating Levin on his new appointment. “While this is a great loss for the District government, it is a great gain for the American Psychiatric Association,” Gray said. “Dr. Levin has done an exemplary job leading DOH in this interim period, and I wish him the best in his future endeavors and thank him for his good work for us.” The APA has played a key role in the advancement of LGBT rights since the early 1970s when, following years of advocacy by gay activists, the organization removed homosexuality from its longstanding classification as a mental illness in its Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders. Last December, the APA removed Gender Identity Disorder (GID) from its latest updated edition of the DSM and replaced it with a condition known as Gender Dysphoria. Transgender rights advocates have said the removal of GID from the APA’s DSM is comparable to the APA’s removal of homosexuality from its classification as a mental disorder in 1973. Levin is scheduled to remain in his DOH post until July 12, when he will join the Arlington, Va., based APA as CEO-designate, according to an APA statement. He will work closely with Scully until Scully retires in the fall, “at which point Dr. Levin will transition to his role as CEO and Medical Director of APA,” the statement says. The APA statement says Levin has had a “long history” of working on APA committees and projects beginning in 1987, when he first became a member of the organization. Among other duties, Levin has served on the APA’s Political Action Committee Board, its Scientific and Program Committee and as a consultant to its Finance and Budget Committee. A native of South Africa, Levin received his medical degree at a leading medical school in Johannesburg before completing his residency in psychiatry at the University of California’s Davis Medical Center. Levin joined the staff of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, where he later became coordinator of a program within the department’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Following that position he returned to school, receiving a master’s degree in public administration from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government in 1994. After that, Levin started a heath care consulting company for which he served as president for the next 10 years. He next served as president and CEO of a U.S.-based educational trust that provided scholarships to South African black youth before becoming vice president of the American Medical Association for Science, Medicine, and Public Health. After joining the staff at the D.C. Department of Health, Levin, among other things, served as Senior Deputy Director of the department’s Addiction and Recovery Administration. Levin was in San Francisco this week attending the APA’s annual national conference and couldn’t immediately be reached for comment. http://www.washingtonblade.com/2013/...sociation-apa/
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