PTSD and Trauma recovery

[Apocalipstic]

Huge Smile!

I will back later to post individually! But thank you each and every one for making me smile this morning! We really do walk very similar roads!

Happy Friday!

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Not rambling, purging...go ahead, get it out of you. This is your thread for this purpose remember? If you can't ramble here, where can you?

I am glad this poem felt good for you. The first time I read it, I didn't think it meant ME too. I thought, this is for everyone else...Did you ever see (and who hasn't?) My big fat greek wedding--the part where she's a kid, walking silently around the table of pretty girls, and wanted to be as invisible as possible? That was me. I could soooo relate to her. Wanting to be invisible and allowing others to make me stay in a "lesser" role or mode...I had to learn to choose that positive words spoken to me were really for me. It took me sooo many years to learn how to accept a compliment, I just couldn't believe they meant them for me. I was somewhat intelligent but I let others make me feel stupid. Until I found that one perfect source that assured me that I was competent, valuable, special and even beautiful. I know I may not be beautiful to everyone...but I feel beautiful most days from the inside out...because I have been healed...and I didn't think it would ever happen but it did, praise God...

Abuse, gone
Anger, mostly gone...
Pain, mostly gone
Depression, mostly gone
Self worth, intact
Self esteem, intact
Competence level, average or above
Love, perfectly perfect

I have issues, problems, conflict sure...but I can't hold onto the past anymore, it just takes so much out of me and I don't want to carry any of that around anymore...it weighs heavily on my back...so I gave it to HIM.

I finally believed and accepted God's love for me.

I don't know how you feel about spirituality, I only know what works for me...

I pray you find what works for you soon too...and if sharing this poem or something else gives you a little lift then amen, I've done what I think I'm supposed to do. Be here for you and everyone who needs me--a friend.

Now I'm rambling...sharing.

Vent! I like that

My parents were Southern Baptist Missionaries, so I have issues with religion and God as a celestial dude...but I am working through this and finding my own type of spirituality I can handle.

I went to 14 different schools from kindergartden to 12th grade....yes I have spent a lot of time wanting to be invisible. I pretend I am a lot of the time.

I had a horrible time learning to take a compliment until my Mamaw told me to always just say "thank you" that it was good manners and thats what matters. But I don't always believe the compliments and good manners are not all that matters.

Thank you so much for sharing and being here for us!

Originally Posted by AtLastHome

Just stopping in to give a warm virtual Hello to all. Hearing about everyone's trials with PTSD has been on my mind continually the past couple of days. This is a good thing because it is connecting me more with just how powerful a thread like this is with people like you can be. I was off on a hike today with my dog and thought about people here and where I have come and gone and will end up and did a little Chant-Whoop for you all as I sat near a quiet bay inlet, resting. Thought it was one way to lend support, or at least a way for me to try to. You all just plain matter!

The outdoors and our dogs and cats give me peace too!

Tha k you so much for being here, sharing and telling us we matter!

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

Yes, yes and Yes! Especially clean enough.

We really do share many of the same thoughts.

Originally Posted by Amelia

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Well see that proves we the majority ARE the actual "CLIQUE" if there was one. I dont care or want to know at this point. I dont think the one or two that are hurtful to you should be given the "status" of being the cool crowd if you really feel shunned by them... Majority rules and I am always going to be here for you my friend. No matter what site I talk to you on. Our support doesn't end no matter what IS or ISN'T going on behind anyone back. I hope you understand me here friend.

I truly believe no ill intent was meant towards you. Pm me and we can compare my notes. But I dont blame you for thinking it.... from what I hear most of us thought "it's me".

*BIG HUGS!!!

Dfly

I thought "it's me".

Really until I read the thread this morning! and now I know that we all feel the same way.

So glad the thread is back on track!

[Andrew, Jr.]

My PTSD is in full swing. I am just taking some time out from sharing. I am not delusional or have multiple personalities. This is for me, and my boundaries.

Thanks everyone.

Love to all,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

My PTSD is in full swing. I am just taking some time out from sharing. I am not delusional or have multiple personalities. This is for me, and my boundaries.

Thanks everyone.

Love to all,
Andrew

It has never crossed my mind that you did!

Enjoy your time off and feel better! Spring is almost here.

[Canela]

Hello hello!!!

Just popping in to say hi and let you all know I was thinking of you! I pray that all of us here have a wonderful PTSD-free week!

See ya here!

Shug

[Apocalipstic]

Hey there Shug! Son far so good on my week, I hope yours is great too!

Hey, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in doing something for the raffle at the reunion?

What do you all think? Maybe something we find helpful for relaxing on a spun out day, that might be helpful to anyone?

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by Princess4u

I know!! I know!!! I hear from here mostly..how I am not alone...but it wasnt until I read both of these posts from Shug and "A"...that it now is starting to hit home.....omg....it was like you read my thoughts, but yet they are your own thoughts....could it be....could it really be that we all share that common thread of unworthiness and invisiblness....you are so right....i always looked and the pretty girls and never thought I could be like them...and still do to this very day.....I joke w my friends about just living vicariously thru them....bc I know i will never be worthy enough, pretty enough. good enough, "clean" enough...for anything else..or for anyone to want me....they laugh....and then i ask them...."what's it like to know________?" thank you for your posts....i know now that you really do know where I am at....and I know where you are at and/or have been....much love and peace....

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.

I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............

He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.

This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through)

Originally Posted by Kimbo

Andrew, I want you to know that I want to get involved. We frequent many of the same threads, I do not find you to be stupid, quite the opposite I find you to be an intelligent, kind and compassionate person.

I hear you.

Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what

Originally Posted by Amelia

Andrew aka my thread mate in the abuse threads all over!

OMG you see? There is a majority of us who feel like your post here. Maybe a lot are Too embarrassed to really express it as bravely and strait forward as you did. Sometimes you voice things for some people who CANNOT.

THAT is what makes us love you so much. You have never failed to be at our sides when we have needed someone. I hope you trust me here and believe me when I say that you ARE THE CLIQUE. We have travelled these roads, some of us, for sooo many years now... over three sites and we have always been there for each other in the face of exclusion feelings. IF like 99% of us posting in support and abuse threads feel similar to you w this issue.... if 99% of us are looking at each other thinking it is "me" that "they" dont want around...

Dfly

I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Vent! I like that

I went to 14 different schools from kindergartden to 12th grade....yes I have spent a lot of time wanting to be invisible. I pretend I am a lot of the time.

Thank you so much for sharing and being here for us!

I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

[Canela]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Hey there Shug! Son far so good on my week, I hope yours is great too!

Hey, I was wondering if anyone would be interested in doing something for the raffle at the reunion?

What do you all think? Maybe something we find helpful for relaxing on a spun out day, that might be helpful to anyone?

Yeah yeah!!!! I saw the Crafters thread had donated a basket giveaway. This is something we could do together as a group if you all would like to....I'm sure we could fill up our own basket giveaway, and I for one have the perfect items for relaxing...some spa products to pamper yourself on those days when you need a little pampering...(a pick me up, if you will)...how does that sound? This could be fun!

[Leigh]

I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Braedon

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through)


I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

[Canela]

Originally Posted by Braedon

I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house

Alright now! That's the spirit! I know if we all pool together we can fill a fabulous basket with lots of warm and loving gifts...Thanks Braedon!

[Andrew, Jr.]

One of my most favorite & treasured item I have is a cross-stiched framed saying just the word "FAITH" that my oldest niece did. It is gorgeous.

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by LittleShug

And I send one right back to you hun

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Alright now! That's the spirit! I know if we all pool together we can fill a fabulous basket with lots of warm and loving gifts...Thanks Braedon!

I have many ideas for this already Shug, so now I just have to pick one (or maybe make a couple or even three to go together)

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

One of my most favorite & treasured item I have is a cross-stiched framed saying just the word "FAITH" that my oldest niece did. It is gorgeous.

I have a cross-stitch book with all sorts of little sayings like that here, maybe I should look through it and see what I can find?

[Apocalipstic]

Good morning fellow PTSDers.

Originally Posted by Braedon

Oh if only I could tell everyone here how many times I've looked in the mirror and said to Myself "your ugly, your unworthy, your worthless, you don't deserve a damn thing so why would you even think that you do?" etc. I look at people in general on a daily basis and want to live vicariously through them, and with many people around Me I tend to do just that. I see friends and family with good solid careers, cars, houses, marriages, anything that a person could ever want and then I look at Myself ......... no career (not even a job), overweight, still living at home at almost 30 yrs old, nothing to My name but some material possessions, a male trapped in a female's body etc and it simply disgusts Me.

I never wanted to be visible when I was younger, but unfotunately being overweight I was always visible (and not in a good way). My peers constantly put Me down for being fat; they would call Me names (hippo, elephant etc), stomp their feet or shake lockers when I walked by like I was gonna cause an earthquake, knocked My books out of My hands, threw things at Me in class when the teachers were gone, just anything to make My life a living hell. And then there is My father, and we could be here forever discussing his negative impact on My life from age 13 until this very day ............

He constantly calls Me a lazy ass, making sure that I know he thinks I'm worthless and wont ever amount to a hill of beans. My depression/panic/anxiety attacks he figures are My excuse to sit at home and do nothing (which isn't true, since he has no idea what its like), its his way or the highway ~ don't like what he says (and because its HIS place and HE pays the bills etc) there is the door dont let it hit your ass on the way out. I'm constantly having to justify Myself to him; whatever I do he has to know about and says he wants to know about My day, but all he wants to do is criticize Me for what I have (or haven't) done.

This is My vent/rant for the day, thanks for listening and I'm glad that we all have this space here for this very purpose (and to know that we all support one another because we know what others are going through)



Andrew, if you get to read this just know that I count you as oe of My closest friends and I admire you for always speaking your mind no matter what



I certainly speak My mind the way Andrew often does, only because I'm always so worried about what others may say or how they may react ........ I gotta work on that!!!!



I remember going from school to school alot when I was younger and wanting to be invisible so no one would see Me, but with being overweight unfortunately I was seen too much and it just made My teenage years horrible ............ I still try and be invisible because its what I'm used to and its like a blanket, its My shield and I feel most comfortable being like a "ghost"

I totally get this. I have always been overweight too and was always the new kid being teased as a kid. I also am AS so I don't even "get" a lot of the jokes.

My father said the same things to me. That I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything.....ad nauseum.

30 was my watershed year. I hated my life and started to make teeny improvements. To this day when I feel like I have not accomplished enough in my life, I make myself decide that as long as I have made any improvement I am doing great. Even if it is making a list or a phone call I need to.

One of the best things I ever did was get away from my father. I was finally strong enough at 35. I wrote him a letter about how it made me want to die when he did not treat me with respect and that unless he could do that I was gone. I never saw him again. Before that, I kept thinking it was me somehow and that if I could act right, he would change.

I am on meds now and they do make me even more overweight than I used to be, but I have reached a certain peace with that. So damn what? I am fat. My father and grandmother would always tell me I was "bigger than a barn" or to not wear red cause I "looked like a barn", all for my own good of course...not sure what the barn fixation was about either?

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.

Originally Posted by LittleShug

Yeah yeah!!!! I saw the Crafters thread had donated a basket giveaway. This is something we could do together as a group if you all would like to....I'm sure we could fill up our own basket giveaway, and I for one have the perfect items for relaxing...some spa products to pamper yourself on those days when you need a little pampering...(a pick me up, if you will)...how does that sound? This could be fun!

Yeay! I think I Will make a great relaxation CD and get some grown up coloring books and colored pencils. When I am spun out this always helps. Would you like to spearhead the project??

Originally Posted by Braedon

I could make a small cross-stitch picture and maybe frame it too for someone to put up in their house

I think that would be wonderful! Grin!

I hope everyone has a good day and that we each do one positive thing for ourselves today.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

[Andrew, Jr.]

Braeden,

I have found that if I surround myself and my home with things that bring me comfort and joy, it will also bring the same to those who enter my home. I have only had 1 person reject my home, but I blame that on religious beliefs systems. For example, I have religious items everywhere. It brings me comfort and joy. Like my nieces "Faith" cross-stitch that I have framed. It means the world to me. But to the 1 guest who came into my home, I received a smart ass remark about it. Others just have complimented me on it.

Go for it. May it bring you comfort, joy, and peace.

Love,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr.

Braeden,

I have found that if I surround myself and my home with things that bring me comfort and joy, it will also bring the same to those who enter my home. I have only had 1 person reject my home, but I blame that on religious beliefs systems. For example, I have religious items everywhere. It brings me comfort and joy. Like my nieces "Faith" cross-stitch that I have framed. It means the world to me. But to the 1 guest who came into my home, I received a smart ass remark about it. Others just have complimented me on it.

Go for it. May it bring you comfort, joy, and peace.

Love,
Andrew

Did you let them come back?

[Leigh]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

I totally get this. I have always been overweight too and was always the new kid being teased as a kid. I also am AS so I don't even "get" a lot of the jokes.

My father said the same things to me. That I was worthless, that I would never amount to anything.....ad nauseum.

30 was my watershed year. I hated my life and started to make teeny improvements. To this day when I feel like I have not accomplished enough in my life, I make myself decide that as long as I have made any improvement I am doing great. Even if it is making a list or a phone call I need to.

One of the best things I ever did was get away from my father. I was finally strong enough at 35. I wrote him a letter about how it made me want to die when he did not treat me with respect and that unless he could do that I was gone. I never saw him again. Before that, I kept thinking it was me somehow and that if I could act right, he would change.

I feel like a ghost sometimes too, especially if for some reason my meds are interrupted or intercepted...like right now, I spent a couple of weeks on steroids for ashtma and my mind is not right.

I refuse to have anything to do with anyone who is not positive. Not at work, not at home, not in my friendships.

I want you to know that you are not alone and that things can get better. That every day is a new fresh start. You can be who you want to be.


I think that would be wonderful! Grin!

I hope everyone has a good day and that we each do one positive thing for ourselves today.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

I will be turning 30 later on this month and I have also found that this seems to be My watershed year. Coming out as being FTM has helped Me alot with really beginning to see Myself in a whole nother light. I've often started writing My dad a letter, wanting to tell him how I feel but I've always chickened out right near the beginning and it ends up getting thrown out. Maybe this will be the year, that I will finally be able to let all of My emotions go and be able to tell him how I truly feel. Maybe ..........

Most of My adult life has been filled with people who are negative in some aspect or another, and I am trying to weed through that because I can tell that its affecting Me overall. I've noticed that I have been in a happier mood lately, maybe because I feel now that with starting to come out as being a guy and with so far having a fairly positive response to it overall its just been making Me really happy about My life. I am being more of who I want to be now, and its been doing wonders for My self-esteem and My confidence

I looked through one cross-stitch book this morning and found three different patterns that I am going to use to make three separate projects to send down as part of our basket ~ pretty awesome I must say

Originally Posted by Andrew, Jr

Braeden,

I have found that if I surround myself and my home with things that bring me comfort and joy, it will also bring the same to those who enter my home. I have only had 1 person reject my home, but I blame that on religious beliefs systems. For example, I have religious items everywhere. It brings me comfort and joy. Like my nieces "Faith" cross-stitch that I have framed. It means the world to me. But to the 1 guest who came into my home, I received a smart ass remark about it. Others just have complimented me on it.

Go for it. May it bring you comfort, joy, and peace.

Love,
Andrew

Thats a great idea Andrew. I know that with living at home, stuff I would normally put out to bring My comfort and joy I wouldn't here (mostly because I don't wanna have to explain Myself to My father when he gets nosy). I'm looking at possibly moving out into My own place this summer ....... I desperately need My own space, and I think that its about time I did something for Myself

[Jet]

Shortly after my trauma I prayed every day. I went to Mass, said the Rosary, prayed incessantly for help. I will never forget the day I sat in the St. Peter's school chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a hour of Perpetual Adoration. A fire alarm went off. And the principle, who was nun, came in and quietly said to me, "you and Jesus are in a fire drill."

Well, He and I are still in a fire drill because of a raging fire. But He's bringing me through. Thanks for your prayers.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Braedon

I will be turning 30 later on this month and I have also found that this seems to be My watershed year. Coming out as being FTM has helped Me alot with really beginning to see Myself in a whole nother light. I've often started writing My dad a letter, wanting to tell him how I feel but I've always chickened out right near the beginning and it ends up getting thrown out. Maybe this will be the year, that I will finally be able to let all of My emotions go and be able to tell him how I truly feel. Maybe ..........

Most of My adult life has been filled with people who are negative in some aspect or another, and I am trying to weed through that because I can tell that its affecting Me overall. I've noticed that I have been in a happier mood lately, maybe because I feel now that with starting to come out as being a guy and with so far having a fairly positive response to it overall its just been making Me really happy about My life. I am being more of who I want to be now, and its been doing wonders for My self-esteem and My confidence

I looked through one cross-stitch book this morning and found three different patterns that I am going to use to make three separate projects to send down as part of our basket ~ pretty awesome I must say



Thats a great idea Andrew. I know that with living at home, stuff I would normally put out to bring My comfort and joy I wouldn't here (mostly because I don't wanna have to explain Myself to My father when he gets nosy). I'm looking at possibly moving out into My own place this summer ....... I desperately need My own space, and I think that its about time I did something for Myself

Have you thought about keeping the letters just for you. Writing the letters helps you, even if you don't ever give one to your father.

If you do give him a letter, maybe waiting till after you move would be a safe option? So you don't have to live in "his" house when he reads it. I know in my case, I could never had done it if I was dependant on my father for anything.

Yeay on the crosstitch!

Sending positive thoughts for a smooth move to your own place very soon!

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

Shortly after my trauma I prayed every day. I went to Mass, said the Rosary, prayed incessantly for help. I will never forget the day I sat in the St. Peter's school chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a hour of Perpetual Adoration. A fire alarm went off. And the principle, who was nun, came in and quietly said to me, "you and Jesus are in a fire drill."

Well, He and I are still in a fire drill because of a raging fire. But He's bringing me through. Thanks for your prayers.

It is like a fire drill isn't it? Full alert. Fight or Flight.

Thinking about you and hoping your week is good.

[Princess4u]

Originally Posted by Ol' Jet

Shortly after my trauma I prayed every day. I went to Mass, said the Rosary, prayed incessantly for help. I will never forget the day I sat in the St. Peter's school chapel in front of the Blessed Sacrament in a hour of Perpetual Adoration. A fire alarm went off. And the principle, who was nun, came in and quietly said to me, "you and Jesus are in a fire drill."

Well, He and I are still in a fire drill because of a raging fire. But He's bringing me through. Thanks for your prayers.

My dear Jet,

Fires do burn out eventually...hang in there my friend...when i lived in florida the summer of 1998 there were many wild fires which threatened us....my county had to evacuate and the firemen stayed to safe our town....one day 3 fire walls..merged into one and were head towards a subdivision of homes which they were already trying to protect....all they could do was take a fire blanket and cover themselves for protection...praise Jesus...they all survived...the LORD....is your fire blanket sweet Jet....use HIM to cover you from this wall of fire....