Your relationship with your mom.

Dude · 05-09-2012, 03:32 PM

I am surprised with myself, that I never posted in here.
My mom passed in 2005 , three days after my younger sisters birthday.
It was me, who served her those last tiny morsels of food ( or should I say, begged her to eat and drink) at my sisters birthday party.
She hung on with all she had left ,for my sisters day.
I was unsure about taking my dog to the party (food-obsessed, golden retriever,couch potato) or to camp out there with me, during those last few days.
It turned out, that "Emma" ( my dog's name) was her last spoken word and seeing my dog was her last smile.
My dog and hers, barely left her side (but to pee) on her last days.
My dog was a bridge for us, in many ways. It's hard to fight with someone
who loves your dog as much as you. I had to go to the best "horse blinder place" I could muster and focus on staying there.
We were estranged for years, many times. Ten years, was the longest time.
Emma developed cancer herself a year after this and I had to put her down

I had to visualize mom and my dad both as kids who really did not GET what they needed either. Not nurtured and not given affection. My mom was an incest survivor from both her father and older brother.
People did not get help for shit like that, in her time.
Mom and I, made our peace and became very close in that last year.
I always wonder how different she would have been, without my father's control over her and her childhood history.
We all thought, Dad would be the first to go.
She saved my hide often from my fathers rage.
I learned to forgive her for all the times she just couldn't.
I was so close to being the boy he always wanted, and yet wasn't.

She used to insist on doing my laundry even as old as 35 , just to spend time with me.
Grieving her will always be a part of me, now it seems.
She deserves to be remembered like that and a big fancy embellished plaque on her drawer, up on the hill ,with the beautiful view.
I'm still trying to do this for her, seven years later.
This is gonna be THE year.
She spoiled me in many ways and I miss her something fucking awful.

spring time is the hardest for me
I try hard not to stuff it
With mothers day coming
and in June, her birthday (again)
it's been fucking impossible to stuff ,this year (THE year)

I went from black sheep my entire life to her favorite
with a phone call every day , quality time spent with her
and a razor (snort)
Morphine and a razor helped her (A LOT) not to worry (so fucking much) about what people thought about the hairy butch she gave birth to.
She couldnt see past my lip hair so I fixed it so she could and I would do it again. I grossed her out totally once when I yanked my first gray 1/4 inch long mustache hair and saved it for her. ( for humor purposes)
I'm sure she is ecstatic, that I'm shaving it daily.
I would love to hear her nag at me (like only a mother can) again about
pretty much anything.
Hairy lips on anyone ,were not her thing and I forgive her for that too.

All the good things that I am , I learned and got from her.

05-09-2012, 03:32 PM	#20
Dude Senior Member How Do You Identify?: Butch Relationship Status: Perusing Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: exit 5 with an exit 21 goal Posts: 1,725 My Photo Gallery Thanks: 15,351 Thanked 10,606 Times in 1,477 Posts Rep Power: 21474852	I am surprised with myself, that I never posted in here. My mom passed in 2005 , three days after my younger sisters birthday. It was me, who served her those last tiny morsels of food ( or should I say, begged her to eat and drink) at my sisters birthday party. She hung on with all she had left ,for my sisters day. I was unsure about taking my dog to the party (food-obsessed, golden retriever,couch potato) or to camp out there with me, during those last few days. It turned out, that "Emma" ( my dog's name) was her last spoken word and seeing my dog was her last smile. My dog and hers, barely left her side (but to pee) on her last days. My dog was a bridge for us, in many ways. It's hard to fight with someone who loves your dog as much as you. I had to go to the best "horse blinder place" I could muster and focus on staying there. We were estranged for years, many times. Ten years, was the longest time. Emma developed cancer herself a year after this and I had to put her down I had to visualize mom and my dad both as kids who really did not GET what they needed either. Not nurtured and not given affection. My mom was an incest survivor from both her father and older brother. People did not get help for shit like that, in her time. Mom and I, made our peace and became very close in that last year. I always wonder how different she would have been, without my father's control over her and her childhood history. We all thought, Dad would be the first to go. She saved my hide often from my fathers rage. I learned to forgive her for all the times she just couldn't. I was so close to being the boy he always wanted, and yet wasn't. She used to insist on doing my laundry even as old as 35 , just to spend time with me. Grieving her will always be a part of me, now it seems. She deserves to be remembered like that and a big fancy embellished plaque on her drawer, up on the hill ,with the beautiful view. I'm still trying to do this for her, seven years later. This is gonna be THE year. She spoiled me in many ways and I miss her something fucking awful. spring time is the hardest for me I try hard not to stuff it With mothers day coming and in June, her birthday (again) it's been fucking impossible to stuff ,this year (THE year) I went from black sheep my entire life to her favorite with a phone call every day , quality time spent with her and a razor (snort) Morphine and a razor helped her (A LOT) not to worry (so fucking much) about what people thought about the hairy butch she gave birth to. She couldnt see past my lip hair so I fixed it so she could and I would do it again. I grossed her out totally once when I yanked my first gray 1/4 inch long mustache hair and saved it for her. ( for humor purposes) I'm sure she is ecstatic, that I'm shaving it daily. I would love to hear her nag at me (like only a mother can) again about pretty much anything. Hairy lips on anyone ,were not her thing and I forgive her for that too. All the good things that I am , I learned and got from her.