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Old 11-14-2013, 06:19 PM   #1
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Default Caregivers and Stress

i have thrown myself in the position of caring for my aging mother, again. i went to a stress management seminar for the caregiver yesterday and it was quite enlightening. i'm still processing all of it.

Anyone else in the caregiver role? A parent, partner, child?

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Old 11-14-2013, 06:26 PM   #2
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i have thrown myself in the position of caring for my aging mother, again. i went to a stress management seminar for the caregiver yesterday and it was quite enlightening. i'm still processing all of it.

Anyone else in the caregiver role? A parent, partner, child?

I have done it before and I KNOW I will have to do it again one day. It is extremely stressful please make sure that you have a support system so that you can get some me time away
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:33 PM   #3
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I have done it before and I KNOW I will have to do it again one day. It is extremely stressful please make sure that you have a support system so that you can get some me time away
My mother is no longer critically ill, she is still fragile but not on deaths door. She weighs 89 pounds.

She is demanding to say the least.
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:32 PM   #4
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Red's mom lived with us for 7yrs. It was always stressful and it took a great toll on Red. Her mother had dementia and as it got worse it became undeniable that it was time to let go. Having to put her mother in a nursing home was not easy but it actually extended her life. As the counselor explained, once a person reaches a point where they know no one around them it is time to let go. The facility we chose for her to live in took her without any expectations and that was the answer. Red could no longer deal with watching her mother fade. Red needed to let go for her own sanity. The people where Red's mom lived knew her how she was not how she use to be. That is the hard part of letting go, you think your care and love will bring them back, the truth is it won't. It becomes a guilt trip for a lot of people.

Dee I don't know your exact situation but I will send positive thoughts your way. It's not easy and I commend you for deciding to take this on. Your mother has a great daughter and I hope you know that about yourself.

Peace!
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:40 PM   #5
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Red's mom lived with us for 7yrs. It was always stressful and it took a great toll on Red. Her mother had dementia and as it got worse it became undeniable that it was time to let go. Having to put her mother in a nursing home was not easy but it actually extended her life. As the counselor explained, once a person reaches a point where they know no one around them it is time to let go. The facility we chose for her to live in took her without any expectations and that was the answer. Red could no longer deal with watching her mother fade. Red needed to let go for her own sanity. The people where Red's mom lived knew her how she was not how she use to be. That is the hard part of letting go, you think your care and love will bring them back, the truth is it won't. It becomes a guilt trip for a lot of people.

Dee I don't know your exact situation but I will send positive thoughts your way. It's not easy and I commend you for deciding to take this on. Your mother has a great daughter and I hope you know that about yourself.

Peace!
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((((( Red )))))) for Red, it must have been hard.

My mother and i calcified this role reversal in my twenties. Nothing that has happened over the years was without my consent.

So much of what is happening now brings up old stuff.

She is extremely CLINGY. When i don't invite her to do things, she becomes snarkly at me.

People say not to take it personally, how can i not? It stings!
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:37 PM   #6
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My mother is no longer critically ill, she is still fragile but not on deaths door. She weighs 89 pounds.

She is demanding to say the least.
I have cared for 2 partners who have passed and I got all wrapped up in caring for them that once they were gone I was lost. I felt I didnt have a purpose anymore. I wish I had more of a support system to help me get out and have me time. I have learned the hard way and I hope you dont.

Its feels like you dont doing all you can to take a few hrs a week just to be U. you will need it take it and DONT let anyone keep u from it
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:46 PM   #7
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I have cared for 2 partners who have passed and I got all wrapped up in caring for them that once they were gone I was lost. I felt I didnt have a purpose anymore. I wish I had more of a support system to help me get out and have me time. I have learned the hard way and I hope you dont.

Its feels like you dont doing all you can to take a few hrs a week just to be U. you will need it take it and DONT let anyone keep u from it
Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.
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Old 11-14-2013, 08:00 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by girl_dee View Post
Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.
Dee, my mom has not been happy since I can't remember when. She argues with me, yells and screams at me, etc. etc. etc. and sometimes I just have to step back and say ok, she's not the mom I used to know anymore. My mom doesn't want to live with anyone or have to depend on anyone, it makes her nuts because she's independent and thinks she can afford to go it alone, when in reality she can't. It seems that with aging comes a part of unhappiness for some, like my mom.
Could it be that your mom is afraid to be alone ? I don't know her but sounds like it.
When my stepfather died, I took the brundt of my mom's anger and since then it's not ever changed. She's nice to my sisters but I"m the one that gets yelled and screamed at and told things that stings really deep, that are truly ugly. I fully understand where you're coming from . I just can tell you from experience, to keep going to therapy, it will help you learn to step back and not take it personally as much at times.....not all the time......but sometimes you'll be able to.
If you need anything let me know.
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Old 11-14-2013, 08:09 PM   #9
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Do you think for some it's a calling? Like some folks always seem to end up in a caregiving role.

In my group yesterday there was a lady there who was widowed, then her boyfriend who she was also caring for didn't want her there anymore. She was so lost. She said the same as you , she felt she has no purpose. Why do we feel we have to be caring for someone to have a purpose????

i was not asked to do this, i chose it.

i moved back to New Orleans, bought a house with an apartment/cottage in the back to put her in, because she wanted to be closer to her kin, only she has complained about just about everyhting and not found any happiness.

She wants to be IN my house. i want to live alone, and for the most part she is in here anyway, i don't want her here when i wake up and go to bed! There is no reason for her to be.

i was dillusional when i thought she would be happy in her little home. She clearly is not, and reminds me daily that she wants to be IN my house.

Bottom line is that there is old stuff.. that i will never be enough and she will always be miserable.

I dont know if ppl r called to take care of loved one or not.

When both of my partners got sick and we knew they were going to pass I CHOOSE to stay.

I can say that neither of them really was one to complain however I know that no matter what you do for some it will never be enough. I had a friend who took care of her father and he was a piece of work.

By the time they had to find a home for him there was so much animosity tween all the family members it wasnt funny.

I swear if i have to take care of my parents i will but my brothers better b there to give me a break when needed
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:48 PM   #10
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I live 15 mins from my mom and have for the past several years. I take care of things she needs to have done, take her to regular doctor appts out of town to see her heart specialist and her vascular specialist. I help fix the house when it needs something , work on her car or van, etc. etc. My mom needs me around, so I am here. We lost my stepfather in 2010 so I remained close by. I would much rather be living in Austin, but mom needs me, so I'm here. My younger sister lives in TN and helps with what she can like online banking for her, helps pay mom's bills, and sends money or whatever should I need something for the house I cannot afford to get or if mom needs anything. My older sister stopped helping period. She's a bitch and when mom goes, I"m gonna blow my ever loving mind at her about it. I was asked by my younger sibling if I would stay to help mom and I promised her and my mom I would. Hence, I"m single and cannot take on the responsibility of looking to date anyone let alone a relationship. I have already enough on my plate with my own issues and making sure mom is alright. She's the only mom I have to do what I have to do for her.

Dee, I pray your time with your mom will be good times with her and that you don't become overly stressed. I know my own mom can be very demanding among other things.
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:53 PM   #11
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I live 15 mins from my mom and have for the past several years. I take care of things she needs to have done, take her to regular doctor appts out of town to see her heart specialist and her vascular specialist. I help fix the house when it needs something , work on her car or van, etc. etc. My mom needs me around, so I am here. We lost my stepfather in 2010 so I remained close by. I would much rather be living in Austin, but mom needs me, so I'm here. My younger sister lives in TN and helps with what she can like online banking for her, helps pay mom's bills, and sends money or whatever should I need something for the house I cannot afford to get or if mom needs anything. My older sister stopped helping period. She's a bitch and when mom goes, I"m gonna blow my ever loving mind at her about it. I was asked by my younger sibling if I would stay to help mom and I promised her and my mom I would. Hence, I"m single and cannot take on the responsibility of looking to date anyone let alone a relationship. I have already enough on my plate with my own issues and making sure mom is alright. She's the only mom I have to do what I have to do for her.

Dee, I pray your time with your mom will be good times with her and that you don't become overly stressed. I know my own mom can be very demanding among other things.

i have decided that i can't worry about what others won't do. My brother checked out LONG ago. i have to do what i need to do for me and let the rest go.

Some ask me how i can be so good to my mom with the upbringing that i had. i have my crosses to bear, she has hers.
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Old 04-03-2015, 09:38 PM   #12
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Today was such a hard day. I am so emotionally spent. Its hard to keep it together by the end of the day when things go this way.

I know... I'm a mom, kids have bad days... I get it. But I'm not just a mom... I'm an AUTISTIC MOM. That means I'm part mom, part caregiver, part behavior specialist, part psychologist, part special education teacher, part mediator, part enforcer...

Today I took my kids to swim at the YMCA, like we do every Friday. My son broke his goggles recently. He doesn't have a new pair yet. Well, today the Y didn't have a loaner pair. So he stood and waited for someone to return a pair, he tried to fix a broken pair, he hovered by the stairs watching for another pair to appear, and finally... he started harassing the kids who got to them first to find out when they would be done with them so he could have them. We talked about it, I reminded him that Easter was soon and he got all his summer toys in his basket so he might get a pair then. I gave directions for him to do something else and finally I gave an ultimatum that if he couldn't play and stop bothering people he would have to leave. He refused. He was totally fixated on the goggles and nothing else existed. Finally after almost 20 minutes of trying to get him back on track I told him we needed to go change and grandma would come and get him. That he could try again on Wednesday. He started SCREAMING... he screamed and threw a tantrum loud enough that the Y attendant came and shut the door to the family room. I know I had other parents looking at us and wondering why I was letting my child behave this way. It took an addition 20 minutes of him screaming and crying and pulling at me and refusing... to get him out of the building and into his grandmothers waiting van (my daughter was still inside playing). That last few steps out the door as I am standing behind him pushing him forward a gentleman opened the door and held it for me with an understanding look. I almost broke down in tears on the spot.

He hasn't had meltdowns like this in a long time. I know things have been harder for him lately, and we are dealing with med changes again. But its physically and emotionally exhausting to have to calmly try and convince someone who is being so aggressive to do what you need them to do. Especially because he's not a little boy any more. I can't move him, or restrain him on my own. If he doesn't go willingly, I'm stuck. He's always sorry after, he just can't control himself in that moment.

I really need a break.
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Old 04-08-2015, 09:25 PM   #13
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Flomax is a prescription that basically helps someone urinate.. and in some cases, urinate frequently.

My client has a prescription and he quite often makes funny quips about Flomax

One day he said (in his South African accent, which adds to the humor for me) "I thought of a new curse," he said. "Oh yea, what's that?". He goes "May you ever have to take Flomax"

So today, city workers were outside cause a major raucous (he likes his quiet.. he calls the police on barking dogs). He says "When they get off work, they should all have to take 20 Flomax's each"

smh.
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Old 04-14-2015, 09:54 PM   #14
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Exclamation Trigger Warning: Dying

We'll see how this works posting from my phone, please forgive any errors.

Today I pulled the plug on my father for the second time. As I mentioned in a previous post, a couple of months ago when all of this started I signed him off to hospice and had his IV removed, and then he went and woke up.

It's been two horrible months in a nursing home. He is basically starving himself, and now he is at a state where he just sort of fades in and out of consciousness. A little while back I put him in hospice care and three days ago I took him off of all medications other than pain and anxiety. (It's not like he needs his blood pressure meds now). About a week and a half ago, he was having a hard time breathing but his blood oxygen was still staying high enough. At the time I had to make the decision to give him a little extra oxygen just as a comfort measure, not to be sustaining, so that he wouldn't have to work so hard. Now that some time has gone by, and he hasn't had even fluids for four days I've decided to remove the oxygen just in case it is now acting as an artificial support.

I feel like I live in a barbaric country, there is no way anyone could ever consider this humane, he looks like something straight out of a concentration camp. This is tearing my mother to pieces, and it's not doing me any good either. If this is how nature takes it's course with a stroke victim, shouldn't we be humane enough with all of our medical advances to help them just a little at the end? Rhetorical question of course.

I would, (and could), treat a dog better.

(If anyone is wondering, all of the attorneys carefully crafted words can't help in this situation, the paperwork is in order to prevent this from happening, yet it is.)

I had planned to drive home last Saturday and I am getting to the point where I really will not be able to stay here much past tomorrow as I have kept pushing off my own obligations at home. Today was especially fun, I got to take my mother to the funeral home so that we could fill out all of the paperwork and pay for the things we are going to have done in advance since she can't deal with it by herself if for some reason I cannot be here long enough.

Mother is a whole other story entirely, and I won't go into it today. Suffice to say, my ideas of what kind of help she needs going forward are changing the more time I spend with her. I'm trying not to kill her about nine times a day, but it just isn't her fault. She really is that confused.

I'm afraid this is a jumbled mess, but trying to do this on the phone isn't working. I'll wait until I get home to post more. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-04-2015, 02:15 PM   #15
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I think I found my tipping point today. My son is on new medication, that isn't really working at all. The whole summer has been a marathon of yelling, arguments, refusals, and meltdowns. I did my best to remove my daughter from it by sending her to camp, her grandmothers, her friends... as often as possible. That left me and my 11 year old son with autism to try and stumble through the summer. I still had things to do, obligations to fulfill, even though I wasn't at work. I walked out of stores when he wouldn't stop arguing, watched him closely to catch when he was trying to shoplift, and tried to juggle him in one hand and the rest of the world in the other.

He's decided he hates me when he's mad. He tried to run away this summer. He slams his head against the floor, or a wall, or a book and tells me he hopes it makes him go away. I tell him I love him, but his behaviors worry me. I hug him and cuddle him whenever I can, but still try to be strict about the rules.

I just lost it today. Today the curtain rod was torn off the wall. Just one more in the list. It was added to holes in the ceiling, broken door frames, damaged vacuums, stained couches and carpets... and I lost it. I called his father for support, suggestions, anything... and the response was... "well watch them closer, just take things away, I don't know what to tell you, I don't let them do that to my house."

I curled up and cried so hard for almost an hour on my bed. The boy was in the bathtub... and my daughter was trying to finish the chores I had been asking them to do all day on her own... finally. And I cried, and I'm still crying. I just can't do it all on my own. I'm tired of the people who are supposed to be my support telling me how I must be doing it wrong. I'm tired of not being given time for my own emotions, my own needs, my own anything.

I'm trying to do this on my own, I'm working full time, I'm going back to school to increase my earning potential... and my grandmother just died... I'm sorry I stayed in bed till 8 am... and the kids can't monitor themselves that long... but something has to give... I just don't know what to do anymore.
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Old 09-15-2015, 10:30 PM   #16
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Last weekend over the holiday weekend, mom had an episode of pretty good swelling in both her ankles(not overly swollen but enough), the right one broke open on the skin with a tiny hole and started seeping clear fluid. I took her to the doctor Tuesday last week when the doctor opened her office after the holiday. Dr. said could be cardio or vascular issue, but she wasn't sure what the hell was causing it. So I asked if one of mom's 4 blood pressure meds she's taking could be causing her feet and ankles to swell and so she checked that and lowered one of them that could and has her taking it at night instead of day time. I then this week on Monday called my mom's vascular surgeon's nurse to talk to her about what happened and for her to talk to the doc to see what we should do or if he wanted to see her. The nurse called me back and said YES he wants to see her and he didn't know what happened to cause it and also wanted me to make an appointment to take her in to see her cardiologist as well. SO, I did. Taking mom to see vascular surgeon on Sept. 22 for checkup and to see her cardiologist on Sept. 28 for check up as well and to discuss what's happened. It hasn't happened again but that doesn't mean anything. Her feet and ankles swell everyday but something caused more swelling that usual and something caused the skin to tear open a tiny hole in her leg and leak fluid. So, I hope it's just from her medicine and maybe one of them will change it and that it's not a blockage somewhere in her leg (which she's already had 3 surgeries done on her artery for blockages) or a blockage around her heart(which they found one late last year where her 30 yr old heart bypass graff had collapsed and so they put a new stint in it. She's had 2 bypasses on her heart done 30yrs ago, I just hope it's not another one gone bad). I'm worried but I can't tell my mom that, she'll freak out. She knows I called her dr's about what happened and said she'd go in. Now my younger sis is worried too and is glad I'm taking her in to check about it.
Let's hope and pray for the best result. Thanks for listening.
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