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Old 09-29-2018, 10:19 AM   #441
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Mom is now here in my house full time. The contractor's are building her an addition to my house. Things are going okay mostly but I have lost some freedom and that is painful. We are working on the fact that I don't eat dinner. That is hard on mom but she is trying.

The hardest part for me is that I have lost my alone time. I need that time to relax and gear up for the next day. My work days are harsh with folks in my face all day so I need some alone time at night. Mom and I have settled on one Perry Mason and then we go to our bedrooms. That is okay for now. I am a loner so this is not easy for me.
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Old 09-29-2018, 04:19 PM   #442
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I took care of my mom for almost 8 months then I was promoted and had to move she chose not to go with me but one of my brothers. I am not sure what happened but she was there 6 months then they made a decision to take her back home to live alone. We are 4 months in and she is doing ok. I’m thankful for that however now things have changed for me and I don’t know what that means for her.

I don’t trust either of my brothers to take care of her if I am unable too. I don’t know if I should address it now while it is still fresh for me and them.

I can only imagine how the conversation would go. It will be short however I know it won’t resolve anything.

I know some will say I’m worrying about something I shouldn’t. I’m a fixer and a planner and to me I need to make sure this is settled.
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Old 10-21-2018, 08:49 AM   #443
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2.5 months of living with mom. It is going well but it will be better once her suit is finished. We have had so much rain in central Texas that construction is a month behind schedule. The issues for mom have been lonely days and my eating schedule. I eat a good breakfast and lunch but no dinner. Mom likes 3 meals a day so it is a challenge for us.

On work days I get home around 6 pm so we spend 2 hours together and separate at 8 pm after Perry Mason that gives me about 2 hours of alone time which I need to rest and recharge. On weekends I take mom out for some fun and shopping. I think she looks forward to it. She gets to dress up and make herself pretty for the day. After all she is a southern lady.

This is good practice for me because I have never been happy living with other humans. Knowing now how important that alone time is was a learning moment.
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Old 10-21-2018, 10:34 AM   #444
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2.5 months of living with mom. It is going well but it will be better once her suit is finished. We have had so much rain in central Texas that construction is a month behind schedule. The issues for mom have been lonely days and my eating schedule. I eat a good breakfast and lunch but no dinner. Mom likes 3 meals a day so it is a challenge for us.

On work days I get home around 6 pm so we spend 2 hours together and separate at 8 pm after Perry Mason that gives me about 2 hours of alone time which I need to rest and recharge. On weekends I take mom out for some fun and shopping. I think she looks forward to it. She gets to dress up and make herself pretty for the day. After all she is a southern lady.

This is good practice for me because I have never been happy living with other humans. Knowing now how important that alone time is was a learning moment.


Chad your post is refreshing ~ family should be there for each other if it works out that way. your mom is lucky to have you and your obvious insight into family unity
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Old 10-21-2018, 11:06 AM   #445
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Chad your post is refreshing ~ family should be there for each other if it works out that way. your mom is lucky to have you and your obvious insight into family unity
Thank you Ocean.
My mom is a good kind lady. I respect her and I am grateful to her for my good life.
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Old 10-21-2018, 12:19 PM   #446
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Second overnight visit with my kiddo. Both the kids were here for about 7 hours. My oldest was completely overwhelmed and my anxiety was higher worrying about them both.

One meltdown this visit. Another visit in two weeks. I hope things get easier.
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Old 10-27-2018, 08:03 AM   #447
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Well my work travel is ramping up for the next couple of months. I am grateful that my cousin is here to help with mom while I am traveling the south.

Mom's suit should be finished next week and we will finally have my house back in order so yay!
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Old 11-01-2018, 10:43 PM   #448
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I am feeling like my world is not my own of late. My father has been in poor health for a while, but its getting worse, so I have been doing my best to help my mother care for him. He is argumentative and sometimes downright mean to her. I have been going to his appointments with her just so someone is there to stand up to him.

Between my dad and my kiddo... I am gone every day of the week lately, and never home till after dinner time. And that leaves my oldest to fend for herself and I am worried about what that will do to her in the long run.

Just keep swimming, I tell myself...
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Old 11-02-2018, 11:22 AM   #449
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I am feeling like my world is not my own of late. My father has been in poor health for a while, but its getting worse, so I have been doing my best to help my mother care for him. He is argumentative and sometimes downright mean to her. I have been going to his appointments with her just so someone is there to stand up to him.

Between my dad and my kiddo... I am gone every day of the week lately, and never home till after dinner time. And that leaves my oldest to fend for herself and I am worried about what that will do to her in the long run.

Just keep swimming, I tell myself...
My daughter had to compete with my sick and dying mom for attention during her teens...she did not have to deal with a sibling who needed so much as well. However, if she knows she is loved, if you take a small moment to connect with her everyday, she will be fine. Children are resilient, and learn about sacrifice and family duty from us; in the end, it makes them stronger adults.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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Old 11-17-2018, 08:14 AM   #450
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Default Caregivers

I am happy to report that mom's new suit on my house is finished. I will set it up this weekend.

I am setting her up with local doctors and that is time consuming but I seem to be successful so far.

I have noticed that she gets confused a bit so I am keeping an eye on that and will bring it up to her doctor.

I think she is happy here but does get lonely because I travel for business so much.

My nearby relatives are a big help.

I feel like moving her to my house was the best choice for us.

Thank you to my BFP family for your support.

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Old 11-25-2018, 06:54 PM   #451
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When I saw my mom last weekend, I noticed she hadn't taken her pills for the day. I asked her about it, and she said she forgot. Then she said she forgets all the time. I asked her which ones did she forget? and she showed me all of her medications, including the stapled-together sheaf of prescription labels and patient notes that come with the prescriptions. I was surprised - it wasn't that many, only 3. Or maybe 4?!!

She had gotten two different prescriptions filled within days of each other, that didn't sound to me like they should be taken together. (They both contained HCTZ.) Of course, I don't know for sure, and I'm no medical professional. I asked her, "Did the doctor change one of your prescriptions?" "I'm not sure," she replied. "I don't think so."

So I wrote everything down for myself, and then I wrote two questions for her to call the doctor and ask on Monday morning. I made sure she understood the questions, and why she was asking. Of course, I know, when people have memory problems, that goes right in one ear and out the other. But I hoped that the way I phrased the questions would be simple, clear and help her remember.

So I called her Monday night and asked her what the doctor said. She very patiently explained to me that she was going to wait until her doctor's appointment the first week in December to ask, but thank you very much for worrying about her, and she would be fine, etc. Essentially, she told me to mind my own business.

My mother still lives on her own. She drives and goes places on her own. She keeps up with her appointments (mostly) by writing them on a calendar. Her memory is not so bad that I would come down hard on her and insist. I also wouldn't call the doctor behind her back - at this point. So I just asked her if she was sure ("Of course," she said,) and I let it go.

It's so hard to walk this tightrope of do I? or don't I? I don't want to fight a losing battle with her. I don't want to fight with her at all. Do I tell my sister or not? Probably I will, if Mom doesn't get those questions answered at her doctor's appointment. I'm constantly second-guessing myself, wondering, "Is this the time to push an issue?" "Has she deteriorated to the point that someone needs to monitor her more closely?"

I have no conclusion to this, just constant worry.
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Old 11-25-2018, 07:03 PM   #452
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Default Speaking of moms

my mom, i saw her for the first time since her near death scare back in May.

She looks good and made sure to complain so I know she really is better. She will never admit that to me though. She really has lost her filter, there were some embarrassing comments made and it hurt people, the same people trying to help her. I cringe when we are all together. I know that i am the target when we are not together.

We said goodbye after a biting comment from her. I’m always left with the last word being hers and hurtful.

Each time i interact with her I am hopeful that we can come to a mother -daughter place.

I am starting to think that will never happen. It’s just not who she is.
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Old 12-29-2018, 10:56 AM   #453
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Well, living with mom has been a bit of a challenge. I am just not good at living with other humans. All my bad habits from being unhappy return.

The biggest issue for her is still the fact that I don't eat very much. She likes her three meals a day.

At Christmas I heard her complain to her brother that I am gone a lot and that I don't eat. Ugh, I always make sure that she has home cooked food to eat even when I don't join her.

Yesterday, we went to her old town to empty another rented storage bin. Since it is only me moving stuff it makes me very upset to move around what I consider junk. We are down from 5 rented storage bins to 3. But my body suffers from the work and again there is no one to help me.

I feel exhausted and a little hopeless about her stuff.
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Old 12-29-2018, 11:27 AM   #454
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Its so refreshing to read everyone's stories. I was a caregiver for the mentally challenges for over 5 years. I love it and miss it.
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Old 01-05-2019, 11:22 AM   #455
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I am honoring my responsibility. I give mom everything that she needs.

However, as a self described loner this is harder than I imagined it would be. I don't thrive well living with other humans and it is starting to weigh on me personally.

I see no other solutions but to buck it up and make mom the priority.
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Old 02-15-2019, 12:08 PM   #456
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New levels of caregiving in mylife.

In January my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. With my parents living with me again that makes me the primary caregiver for my mother and the secondary caregiver for my father (when mom is not well).

I have been attending doctors appointments with her and taking notes, I accompanied her to the hospital and waited (for 5 hours) while she had her lumpectomy.

The lumpectomy was successful, on the second attempt. During the first one she went into afib and her blood pressure bottomed out. They immediatly stopped the surgery and admitted her to the hospital overnight for testing and observation. So that left me to take care of dad alone for the first time.

OMGoodness... he is so obstinent and resentful. He hates being reminded of the things he needs to do, but he refuses to do the things he should, even when he DOES remember.

I feel overwhelmed, worried, and anxious. But there are also feeling of hopefulness. This is all looking like it will have a positive outcome so far.
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Old 03-25-2019, 07:28 PM   #457
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I went to see my mom this weekend, and it was a good visit. She seems to be doing better, which I think may be because she's spending more time at my sister's house. They finished her mother-in-law suite, and it is really nice. It is still difficult for her to think of the words she wants to say, but I just wait for her, as when I'm visiting her I literally have all the time in the world to wait. I concentrate on not letting it get on my nerves, and not trying to finish her sentences for her unless she's really stuck on a word.

We went on a shopping trip to the mall to get a birthday present for my sister. My mom was able to express some opinions on different items, which she often gets frustrated and cannot do. We also cooked together - this is hard for her nowadays, as well, but she's fine as long as she only has to make one dish. I also showed her my Zentangle workbook, and we drew some Zentangles together. I was very pleased to see that she was able to draw and make some decisions of her own about what to draw, and make artistic decisions.

She seems to be on top of her medications, too. My sister made her a very explicit pill box container, that is color, time and date coded. It really seems to be working for Mom. The times when I checked on her this weekend, she had taken her pills on time. I think this is something that has improved by her staying with my sister also - they keep her on schedule, and so now it has become a habit.

My mom is not ready to go live with my sister full-time, although my sister wants her to. Mom talked about how calming it is for her to work in her yard; she is a very accomplished gardener, and her yard shows it. If she stays away from it for more than a few days, though, it can start to get away from her. She is completely against having someone come and do her gardening for her, even just to cut the grass. She also enjoys being on her own for periods of time. I'm hoping she will be able to hang in there and continue to enjoy her own home for as long as possible.

As for me, I'm feeling a good deal more relaxed than the last time I saw her. Her medications are straightened out. She's keeping herself fed, the house is super-clean as always, and of course her yard is lovely at this time of year. She knows the people who live around her, and our relatives and some family friends drop by and see her from time to time. Honestly, I'm more worried about my sister than my mom at this point. She is stretched thin by all she takes on. I'm not sure what else I can take on to help her at this point, but at least I can give her a reassuring report from my visit this weekend.
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Old 03-25-2019, 08:32 PM   #458
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Default Georgia Ma'am

Bless your Mom, your Sister and YOU.
Heart touching story! Thanks!
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Old 04-29-2019, 07:09 PM   #459
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This was not a great weekend with my mom, and now I'm exhausted. Just driving all the way to see her wears me out, and I usually try to take Monday off when I get back to rest up and get ready for the coming week. But no, I rolled in here late last night, and I had to get up early today to get ready for work (visit from the new president - three days).

She has now started obsessing over things she has to remember. She must have checked her medication 40 times on Saturday, to make sure she had taken it. I guess that's better than her forgetting it. But she fussed over it every time, full of worry. It's hard to see her feel so compelled.

She also cried over my dad - but the bad part is that she quickly stifled herself, not giving in to the tears, and berated herself for not being "strong, like other women". I know she still cries, which is sad, but it's normal I think. She met my dad in high school and they were together until just two years ago. He was her entire life. What's worse is that she's still grieving so deeply, and not feeling it's okay for her to do so, and she doesn't feel like she should share these feelings with anybody. I tried to be sympathetic and say the right things, but she doesn't really want my sympathy.

She wants us to go on pretending like everything is okay. Of course, everything is not okay. In addition to my dad being gone, her memory seemed to be worse this time. Even more terrible is that she beats herself up over it, as though she should be able to control this awful dementia that is taking her language skills and memories away.

We were able to have some good talks this weekend, and we ate some delicious food (that I prepared, with her "help". We used to be able to cook together, as long as she was only in charge of a single thing, but now even that is getting beyond her, and she knows it.)

I'm starting to miss my mom. And yet, she's still here. But in some ways, she's not.
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Old 05-21-2019, 03:59 PM   #460
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I saw my mom this weekend, and it was much better than the last time I saw her. She was a little more together, and her word mix-ups didn't seem to bother her so much. She has started a gigantic new flower bed project - probably 300 square feet. We had a good time looking up plants for it in her horticulture books - since I am in no way capable of helping her dig up anything.

She's quite pleased that two bluebirds have moved into one of her birdhouses. They are fairly rare in her area, and you have to have just the right accommodations to attract them to your yard.

We were able to cook together this time; she was able to help more than she could last time. We had some good conversations, and I gave her a back massage, which she loves. I guess we are in a phase where some times are just better than other times, and the times go up and down. I'm hoping so, I would much rather have it fluctuating than have the downward trend that I feared last time I visited.

I was able to take Monday off this time too, so it wasn't so hard for me to get back in the swing of things after I returned home. I'm just going to have to resign myself to going with the flow, and always taking a vacation day after each trip. Fortunately, I have a lot of them.
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