Letters to Penguin

[Onyxena]

Dear Penguin:

We have been apart now for just under two months. We just recently started talking again, and I have to tell you. I cannot ever stop loving you. I have tried. I tried to replace you years ago, and we saw how fantastically that worked out. I love you with ever fiber in my soul and I am sure that we fell in love the moment you said hello.

No one has ever been able to effect me the way you do. You push me to be a better person, even when it would be a hell of a lot easier not to be. You have shown me that all the hurts that I have endured will only continue to hurt me unless I let others in. Others that can be trusted. You are my best friend and I am so sorry that for so long I shut you out. Perhaps not all the way, but enough to cause a rift between us. It wasn't fair to you love. I promise you I will never leave you out again. EVER!

I need you in my life. I love you so much. You see right though me. You have all of me, in a way that no one else could ever have me. I want you and I need you. You must know how much. You must hear it in my voice and see it in my eyes. We connect on every level and I could not believe that I could feel this way about someone and trust them like I trust you. You know all my deep dark secrets. You know about everything. All the things I regret. You know every insecurity and judgement I am currently trying to break. You see through me like I was covered in nothing; stark nude.

You effect me so much. You pull me in and shake my world apart so that there is nothing but the two of us standing face to face. There are no secrets no walls between us. There is just the truth. Truth and love. I adore you Penguin. I will forever be your hot tottie!

Love,
Your Sunshine

[Onyxena]

Dear Penguin:

We sent a lot of text messages back and forth last night. You told me you wished you could have been here with me. I can't begin to tell you how much that meant. Just knowing that you wanted to spend time with me while I was hanging out with Sith Lady and Gypsy, it makes me very happy that you hold my friends in such high regards. I like letting you all the way in. I know I can trust you all the way. I like being vulnerable in front of you, because it's safe.

I am pretty sure that you and my music player, on my computer, are in kahoots tonight. It keeps playing our songs, songs you showed me, or songs that remind me of you. I have a lot of music, almost a week's worth, and still it keeps picking 50 or so songs to play that have something to do with you. I listened to Bleeding Love for the first time in a long time tonight. I teared up a little bit. I miss you a lot. Of course, immediately after Bleeding Love, a song by Tool came on. I wanted to do a headdesk. :/

Do you ever feel like there is so many things you want to say, but words wouldn't do justice to what you wanted to say? I feel like that with you. Often times you leave me speechless or groping after words that just won't come. I will try and sum it up in this:

I love you more than Sour Patch Kids and thunderstorms. I love you more than snowboarding. I love you more than my books. I love you more than fake nails and Iced Americanos with white chocolate. I love you more than words can express. Your smile sooths me. Your touch ignites my body. Your love keeps me going when I just want to give up on the human race. Your humor always keeps me laughing. Your eyes say so much and I love what they say. Our little inside jokes make me feel special. I love you. I cannot wait to be in your arms again. You are my light through the darkness and my anchor to my dreams. With you anything is possible. Thank you for choosing me.

Love,

Your Sunshine

[Onyxena]

Dear Penguin,

You got your early early Birthday present today; a ticket to see Tool. You are so happy, and I am glad I could give that to you. We text for a little while today, and do I ever miss you. I long to hear your voice. It hurts so much to be so madly in love with someone and be "unofficial/official" like we often find ourselves.

I want you here next to me right now. There is this deep ache in my heart right now. A longing to have you here with me. I love you so much baby. You say you feel the same, yet here we are in limbo. I am trying to be okay with it. But honestly, the only thing I want for Christmas this year is to be in your arms and be your little lady again. I don't need things or money or stuff, I need you.

Please come back to me. You are my other half and I am rather lonely right now. I miss you so much, and it's a void that no other butch could ever fill. I need your touch and your kisses. No one else's will ever do baby. I love you so much Penguin, and I want to cry because I miss you so much. I hope to hear from you tonight. Love you baby.

Forever your Sunshine,
Me

[Onyxena]

Dear Penguin,

Not much to say tonight, at a loss for words. I just really really miss you.

Love,
Your Sunshine

[Onyxena]

My dearest Penguin:

Today is Christmas. Our first Christmas together. I got the best present from you; your love. We made it official a few days ago, we are back together. I cannot tell you how much joy that brings to me. I missed being your lil lady, sunshine, and love. You mean so much to me.

For the first time in a long time I can say I am genuinely happy. You bring so much joy in to my life, but more importantly you have taught me how to be happy again. This is something I have forgotten for a long time. Now, when I smile, it isn't faked or forced. It makes me so happy babe. Thank you for that precious gift. I love you so much Penguin. I miss you terribly and I cannot wait until I am in your arms again.

Love you Penguin,
Your Sunshine

[Onyxena]

Penguin:

It has been a while since I wrote you a letter. Perhaps one day I will actually let you read these. I feel guilty, even though I have been talking to you, I haven't kept up with these letters.

We have started a new year together. It has been some what of a rocky beginning. Not for our relationship, but with working and you getting ready for a new semester of school, we have not been able to talk as much. I miss that. I miss the closeness we once had. Now things are rather short between us. Tenderness is out of a daily language, we now focus on other things. I miss the tenderness Penguin.

You will be here to visit in two months. That seems like an eternity. I wish you were her by my side now. I love you so much Penguin. I want nothing more than to be close to you. To look you in the eye and say three simple words. I want to feel your strong arms around me and feel your kisses upon my lips. That tenderness is what I long for.

I love you Penguin, and I miss you terribly.

Love,
Your Sunshine

[Onyxena]

Dear Penguin:

I haven't written in a while, and it has been an interesting couple of weeks for us. So I am going to backtrack a bit and then we will get current. :-)

You are so busy with school right now, and I have never been more proud of someone I know. You work your ass off and it amazes me because I am sure I would have lost my mind studying that much. This doesn't leave much time for us, but I know it will be better for our future. You will fulfill your dreams as will I. It is tough for us now, but it will be so worth it in the future.

We had a bit of a rough patch there for a couple of days. I know that you and I thought about breaking up. I am so thankful we didn't. Text messaging isn't the best avenue to have serious discussions. You cannot hear voice inflection or tone or read body language. This makes it incredibly difficult to respond to situations. I really have come to dislike texting as a form of communication for important stuff. Though, I will say, it has allowed us to talk when we didn't have time for a phone call. (I miss your voice though.)

You are right, there are many things in this world I do not know. I can empathize, but I don't know that perspective. My heart can go out to you or a person when dealing with things, but you are right, I don't truly know that experience.

Penguin, we haven't talked much lately and I have wanted to share what is going on with me. My Health Care is taking forever to go through, so The Emily Program refuses to see me right now, until my insurance goes through. I am frustrated with that. I am on the phone with them all the time to figure out how to best fix this. Public Health Care really does need a change. :-/ My therapist up and left my church. I found out a couple of days ago, after reading her facebook. I felt extremely betrayed. I am in contact with her boss at my church to see if I can get in to see someone else for free. My E.D. has decided to be a little bit of a pest this week, but I can safely say I have fought back with a vengeance. I reach out for support, talk, and bitch slap my E.D. back down. Also, I have gained 10lbs. Yay for small victories. Work is kicking my ass, but in a totally good way. I love cocktail waitressing, however weird that seems. Quitting Caribou was the best damn decision I could make. My body just cannot take 60 hour work weeks on my feet. I am thinking about getting some shoe inserts. There is, also, less drama in my life right now. I love it. :-)

A lot of things are going through my heart right now. Penguin, you have to know how much I love you. There isn't a day that goes by that my mind doesn't go to you. I wonder what you are doing, what you are thinking, and if school is going okay. I so desperately want to look you in the eye right now and confess how my heart longs for you. How the love inside me is the most powerful thing I have ever felt. The desire for you and your love consumes me at times, when I let it. You are, by far, the most amazing woman I have ever met and I am so thankful to be part of your life. I am so thankful to be your love. I want to kiss you so badly. I want to be in your arms and hear your voice. I want to tremble at your touch. I want to see the way you look at me. Your eyes on me makes me melt. You see right though anything. I want to look into your eyes, mine meeting yours, and confess everything. I want to tell you how your love is the most precious thing that I have ever encountered. How I have never wanted someone so badly in my life. How I would be willing to endure anything, no matter how difficult, because I know in the end it would be worth it for you. How I want to share every secret shame and joy with you. There is so much love and passion between us. A blind man could see how we glow and how we look at one another. You have the ability to love me like no one could ever love me and you can break me like no one could ever break me. I trust you and I enjoy allowing you so close to my heart.

I imaging how it will be when I see you at the airport. You better not have anything in your hands, because I am going to jump into your arms and kiss you like you have never been kissed before. That is a promise.

I love you so much Penguin.

-Sheep

[Onyxena]

Dearest Penguin:

So I have decided to give these letters to you for Valentine's Day. I promise to try and write you a love letter a day for an entire year. I know this is a pretty tall order, but I know I have enough words. We both know that. *Smirks*

Though, tonight, I am really sad. You are busy, and it sucks sometimes. Not that I would change a thing, because I want you to succeed so badly. There is a part of me that is selfish. I keep telling that part to shut up because deep down I want you to succeed and any tough stuff that comes with it will be worth it. Just like waiting all these days until I see you again. I really believe that you are here as my "twin flame" and you also are teaching me patience. Which I am learning, kicking and screaming the entire way. I am so thankful for the wonderful and beautiful woman you are. I just wish sometimes we weren't as disconnected.

I am really looking forward to your visit, Penguin. I really think that this time will be good for us to connect. I look forward to looking into your deep brown eyes and show you my heart and soul. I cannot wait to feel your love crash over me. Every time you look at me, babe, it feels like a title wave crashes into me. Covering me in your love, it knocks me over. Just thinking about it pulls at my heart. It tears me apart inside that I cannot be near you, but in time we will and it will be all worth it love. You mean everything to me. Absolutely everything. As extreme as it sounds, I would wait 1000 years for you. I just know. It is an unshakable earth shattering truth. I love you and I know, I will always love you. You are the other half of my heart. No one can turn my head from you babe. It would be nothing, no emotion. With you there is raw, real, truth of love. Passionate and pure. I tried to run from it Penguin, because I thought God made a mistake. I thought how could He possibly give me this. I have done nothing to deserve it. What I have realized is this. It is not up to me to determine this. God gets to do whatever He wants. He brought me and you together. I am so thankful.

You are the other half of my heart and soul. I love you, that phrase isn't enough to express the deepness of my love. It rips me apart inside every time I think of you because of how much I love you. It brings me to tears. I do love you. I am so afraid to loose you. It would absolutely destroy me.

Please believe that baby. Please.

Love,
Sheep

[Onyxena]

My Penguin:

Last night, and into this morning, I sat at Perkins with a good friend doing a lot of soul searching. We talking about many things, but the predominate topic of conversation was you and I. We talked about everything. The trip to see me in July, the less than successful trip in October, and the last month of our relationship. Some tough questions were asked of me, and I really had to look deep down for the answers. I want to share with you what I have observed and what was discovered. First and foremost, we both agree that there is something worth fighting.

First is that we have both changed. I didn't really see it before, but after you lost your job and I con was over, things changed. We became distant from one another. Each person withdrew. It caused me to worry about sharing information with you because I didn't want to add stress to your life. But still we were doing good. It wasn't until school started in September that the world began to fall apart. We didn't talk. You were busy with school and I didn't want to interrupt that even though my life was completely falling apart. I had no control on my eating disorder and I was just holding on by a thread. We would go weeks without a single word from you. I realize that you are busy but I was your girlfriend and that wasn't okay. I also realize I should have just screamed for your attention because you had a right to know how sever things were. The trip in October happened. First and foremost, Melody should not have been there. It did not allow for a healthy environment for our relationship. I understand she is your friend, but she is also your ex. That was really setting me up to fail. It was my first visit to see you and it should have been just us, relieving the already insurmountable amount of pressure. I should have let you inside, even though it hurts. I needed you to see the broken parts, because it could have brought us closer not torn us apart. As the trip progressed, you didn't talk to me you grew colder and more withdrawn. I cannot read minds and I am not perfect. If I make a mistake, I need to know. You turned cold.

We spent that time apart, I was in pain every day, but I survived. You still weren't yourself. We got back together and I saw about a week of normalcy from you, then it was back to being callous. I understand I made a shitty comparison, but how am I suppose to know if things bother you if you don't tell me. I cannot read minds, and I promise you I am so far from perfect. I make mistakes. I can be arrogant and argumentative. I can be full of myself as well as have the shittiest self-esteem.

I always said I missed you and I figured out why I did. You haven't been yourself. Where did you go Penguin? Why did you go away? You aren't cold and callous. You don't dump people though a text message. You promised you wouldn't give up on us and would be open and honest, meeting me half way. Yet, here we are. What happened? Please come back Penguin. I haven't seen you since September. I want you back love. You are the other half of my soul. I know things are rough, but come back baby. We both have made mistakes. I was too afraid to tell you when things were happening or when you were hurting me. I was afraid you would dump me because I called you on stuff, but I realize that is ridiculous, because we are both able to call each other on shit. Come back to me Penguin. I miss the tender, caring, nurturing, loving, romantic, beautiful soul that I know is still there, it just hasn't shown itself to me in a long time.

Bleeding Love just came on my MP3 player. Why don't we send songs anymore? Bleeding Love is us. Remember the Lyrics?

"Bleeding Love"

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love


Come back to this Penguin. You and I are soul mates. You taught me to believe that. You taught me that miracles and fairytales were possible. Come back to me Penguin. Your sunshine//Sheep misses you. Please come back.

I love you with all my heart and I will continue to fight for us.

Love you forever and always,
Me