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Old 05-01-2017, 01:02 AM   #1
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Default Support for children of crappy parents

I noticed in the caregivers and stress thread that a reoccurring theme is the problem of having one or more parents that are emotionally, physically, sexually abusive. Sometimes all of them at once!

I would like to offer a place to talk/vent/get support.

I'm going to start off by saying I had a great childhood with pretty great parents who tried hard. But..............

When I was 12 my mom sent me to the grocery store with a long list ( wasn't first time, I was very responsible) and the money to buy it all. When I got back home, my mom and my sister were gone; she had left my father, took my sister, and was gone. She left me a note!

In any case, I spent the next 28 years not getting close to people, and leaving them before they could leave me. I even tried it with my Kasey, but she stayed with me, and we are rock solid.

So, how did your parents screw up, and how did it effect your life and relationships? Do you think you can ever forgive them for their faults?
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Old 05-01-2017, 01:06 AM   #2
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((((((( Tinks )))))))))))

i am SO sorry that happened to you.

i can deal with my childhood, its taking care of my mom for the past 25 years that i am over.



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Originally Posted by MsTinkerbelly View Post
I noticed in the caregivers and stress thread that a reoccurring theme is the problem of having one or more parents that are emotionally, physically, sexually abusive. Sometimes all of them at once!

I would like to offer a place to talk/vent/get support.

I'm going to start off by saying I had a great childhood with pretty great parents who tried hard. But..............

When I was 12 my mom sent me to the grocery store with a long list ( wasn't first time, I was very responsible) and the money to buy it all. When I got back home, my mom and my sister were gone; she had left my father, took my sister, and was gone. She left me a note!

In any case, I spent the next 28 years not getting close to people, and leaving them before they could leave me. I even tried it with my Kasey, but she stayed with me, and we are rock solid.

So, how did your parents screw up, and how did it effect your life and relationships? Do you think you can ever forgive them for their faults?
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Old 05-01-2017, 10:42 AM   #3
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that was really shitty of your mum! Dear Lord, i would have pushed people away too, after that!

My mom and dad did the best they could but there were alot of problems in my family. Dad was an alcoholic, mom a gambler. While both succeeded at stopping their addictions, the process of living thru it until then, damaged me and my two siblings. Enough so, that my brother committed suicide, my sister became the enabling caregiver to everyone in the family and I was the raging fierce scapegoat that everyone hated because I shoved reality in their faces. My sister and I became the best of the worst of ourselves. Our past histories defined us, but we took the weaknesses and made them into our strengths. My sister is a helluva nurse, working in peds, HIV, and addictions. I worked in mental health and social services, in addiction treatment programs, homeless and domestic violence shelters and rape units. I wish my brother could have made it. I think he would have found a way to become a warrior too.
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Old 05-01-2017, 11:29 AM   #4
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that was really shitty of your mum! Dear Lord, i would have pushed people away too, after that!

My mom and dad did the best they could but there were alot of problems in my family. Dad was an alcoholic, mom a gambler. While both succeeded at stopping their addictions, the process of living thru it until then, damaged me and my two siblings. Enough so, that my brother committed suicide, my sister became the enabling caregiver to everyone in the family and I was the raging fierce scapegoat that everyone hated because I shoved reality in their faces. My sister and I became the best of the worst of ourselves. Our past histories defined us, but we took the weaknesses and made them into our strengths. My sister is a helluva nurse, working in peds, HIV, and addictions. I worked in mental health and social services, in addiction treatment programs, homeless and domestic violence shelters and rape units. I wish my brother could have made it. I think he would have found a way to become a warrior too.
It's interesting that in some families alcoholics beget alcoholics, and abusers beget abusers...while in others, crappy parents beget parents ( and people) loving and fierce.

I would give my last cent to my daughter, I would have been a prostitute if that was the only way to feed her and keep a roof over our heads...my sister washed her hands of her kids at 18, and moved to Idaho without a thought to leaving them here alone. Well they have me, but it's not the same.

Btw...I got back at my mother for leaving me. She eventually came back to our house and to my father, but at age 15 their marriage was over. My mom tried threatening, bribery, etc... but I chose to move out with my father because I knew it would hurt her as she had hurt me.

We spent a lot of years working out a relationship that was healthy for both of us, and in the end I moved myself and my family into her home to care for her the last 2 years of her life.
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Old 05-01-2017, 12:45 PM   #5
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It's interesting that in some families alcoholics beget alcoholics, and abusers beget abusers...while in others, crappy parents beget parents ( and people) loving and fierce.
I was a mix of the two. I was a crappy parent while I drank myself silly. I started drinking after my brother committed suicide. It wasnt until they laid my daughter in my arms after birthing her, that I realized I had nothing to give her. It took me many years for me to acquire what I needed as a parent. By that time, i had already done some damage. We spent years working on our relationship. I wasnt going to give up. She almost did. It was the birthing of her own kids that made the huge difference. She is by far the best parent out of all of us. And she sees how hard it is parent. And what I and my mother had to go thru with hardships she thankfully never had to endure. So we are now a very happy family, mentally healthy and loving toward each other. There is no real quick easy fix when it comes to trauma and addictions. Sometimes it takes generations to heal it out of a family...

I would give my last cent to my daughter, I would have been a prostitute if that was the only way to feed her and keep a roof over our heads...my sister washed her hands of her kids at 18, and moved to Idaho without a thought to leaving them here alone. Well they have me, but it's not the same. I loved my child more than I loved anything or anyone in this life, from the moment she was born. I just didnt have the skills to be a good parent. Didnt have it as a child..didnt know how to do it as an adult. With lots of research, counseling, parenting classes, and learn as you go, I learned to be a good parent. I was always a loving parent..just didnt know how to parent.

Btw...I got back at my mother for leaving me. She eventually came back to our house and to my father, but at age 15 their marriage was over. My mom tried threatening, bribery, etc... but I chose to move out with my father because I knew it would hurt her as she had hurt me. good for you!

We spent a lot of years working out a relationship that was healthy for both of us, and in the end I moved myself and my family into her home to care for her the last 2 years of her life.
my daughter and I both said we could never live together again. But just recently she has been talking about taking care of both me and my husband in our older years. She sees him as the best thing I ever did for myself and adores him. Closest thing to a parent i gave her other than her actual father...
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Old 05-01-2017, 05:37 PM   #6
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Father: emotionally unavailable, apathetic. He gave my half brother to my grandparents to raise and once left me at an orphanage.

Mother: psychologically and emotionally unstable, uprooted me to travel half way across the country to visit someone that was un-visitable and causing me be held back a grade. She had at least one mental breakdown in front of me and forced me to be the one to call the police, who forcibly took me away from her.

One of mom's many husbands: my primary abuser, manipulative, psychopath. He took advantage of mom's fragile mental state and twisted the situation so she would marry him in order to get me back out of the system and designed a 'contract' between me--at age 8ish--and him that would keep my mother out of the mental health system in exchange for....things.

Reading back on this, I'm actually surprised I don't have more issues than I do.

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Old 05-01-2017, 05:39 PM   #7
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Reading back on this, I'm actually surprised I don't have more issues than I do.

right, i wonder how i have killed anyone or landed in prison
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Old 05-01-2017, 09:49 PM   #8
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its amazing to me how resilient children are, how courageous and strong and tenatious they can be, when forced into situations like these. Dear Gemme, not ever, ever would I have thought you went thru all that. This tells me what a fine job you have done raising yourself and being your own guardian of your Core. Damn all the bastards in the world....

I work with kids now. I am a children's therapist. It is not often that the kids have problems. It is the adults in their lives that are often the source of all problems...


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Father: emotionally unavailable, apathetic. He gave my half brother to my grandparents to raise and once left me at an orphanage.

Mother: psychologically and emotionally unstable, uprooted me to travel half way across the country to visit someone that was un-visitable and causing me be held back a grade. She had at least one mental breakdown in front of me and forced me to be the one to call the police, who forcibly took me away from her.

One of mom's many husbands: my primary abuser, manipulative, psychopath. He took advantage of mom's fragile mental state and twisted the situation so she would marry him in order to get me back out of the system and designed a 'contract' between me--at age 8ish--and him that would keep my mother out of the mental health system in exchange for....things.

Reading back on this, I'm actually surprised I don't have more issues than I do.

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Old 05-02-2017, 03:01 AM   #9
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Have a lot in common with many life stories I have read here. Will share mine as well.

My primary abuser was my brother who was 9 years older than me. He would pick on me, hit me, tickle me horribly, and at about 10 crushed a joint in my finger by stepping on it purposely with heavy steel toed boots. My mom declared all this "fighting" as sibling rivalry. He would destroy my room by going in and throwing everything about, emptying drawers, pulling all hanging clothes out of the closet, breaking my things, dumping out my Lincoln Log box (large one). Looked like a tornado hit my room. I would run to mom, she wouldn't discipline him. I got yelled at and made to stay in my room until the mess was cleaned up.

Problems began when I was 7. My parents separated. Dad, a functional alcoholic, was forced out by mom getting a restraining order. Mom, an anxiety ridden passive aggressive neurotic, was bitter about my father.

Mom and brother looked the same, and I looked like my dad. Prior to the separation, I was Daddy's little girl. He spent a lot of time with me. Taught me to swim well, etc. I basically could do no wrong in Daddy's eyes.

Mom resented me as I looked like Daddy, and had taken away loving attention that she wanted. Mom, who could cut anyone down verbally without cursing or raising her voice and used this abusively toward me, and the abusive brother who had been made de facto disciplinarian male parent, joined forces against me. They were angry because I looked like Daddy and had many of his personality traits.

I began lashing out at home against the abuse. Also lashed out at school as I was picked on as the carrot top fat short girl. I was everyone's punk. My only positive relationship was with the dog.

Mom and brother decided that I had a behavioral problem, and had me admitted to a mental hospital who dealt with incorrigible children. This was 1971. The 1970s were know as being bad for kids in mental hospitals.

Was sexually mature at age 11, and very sexually active. They decided to try to change that by locking me in isolation for 7 days without only a bare mattress on the floor and a blanket. That happened more than a dozen times while I was in that hospital. They had other methods as well to try to break me of having sex. They also inserted an IUD without my consent. It was a Dalkon Shield (associated with infections and sterility in many women).

They also subjected me to batteries of psychological tests. Was told that I was manipulative and lacked empathy. Gee, I wonder why. Only two good things came from the tests. They determined that I needed Assertiveness Training and got it. The other was their determining that my IQ was in the genius range which was the only thing I was proud of about myself. Was put in high school classes which was the only good thing about that hospital.

Eventually, I learned to play their game. Got myself released on condition that they could pull me back anytime my mom told them I did an "incorrigible act." Happened a couple of times going straight to seclusion each time.

They gave me a full discharge. I dropped my "good girl" persona. Immediately had the IUD out, and went on the pill (something I wasn't permitted to do).

Mom and brother continued their abuse. I worked the streets as a hooker until got enough money to leave. Slipped out my window with 2 suitcases and my wad of cash. Went to New Orleans with my medical intern boyfriend. I was 16 at this point.

Regardless of all this I was able to become an EMT then Paramedic followed by RN. Also got a BS in Earth Science/Physical Oceanography. Advanced degrees in Political Philosophy with a concentration in Marxist/Socialist Theory.

See, you can go through a whole lot of family shit, and come out the other side. One permanent physical scar, had to have a hysterectomy at age 18 due to that IUD. I have no children.
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Old 05-02-2017, 03:05 AM   #10
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i just want to say *hear* all of you
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Old 05-02-2017, 08:48 AM   #11
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I am awed by the people you all have become, despite the abuse at the hands of the very people that were supposed to protect and love you no matter what.

I have been there for my Kasey, who suffered through years of abuse and neglect...but her story is not mine to tell. I will say one thing that I see in my head quite often; no person should live with the memory of their mother chasing them through their house at 8 years old with a knife.

She is an incredible 3rd parent to our daughter, a person who loves me unconditionally, and a loving and supportive friend. Kasey ( who loves working around people), changed her job schedule to work from home when my mom needed her, so that I could continue to work and take care of our daughter during the day.

Where she found that deep well of goodness inside of her I'll never know, I'm just glad that out of all the people on this earth, she loves me!
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Old 05-02-2017, 10:24 AM   #12
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Cathexis...damn. And damn again. I love your fierceness!

I could probably get in trouble at work for complimenting the kids on fighting back with their behaviors. And for teaching them to play the game until they have more control of their own lives. But your story is why I do!
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