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Old 04-27-2014, 06:56 PM   #201
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Old 04-28-2014, 10:13 AM   #202
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Old 04-28-2014, 04:39 PM   #203
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Old 04-29-2014, 04:00 AM   #204
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Old 04-29-2014, 04:38 AM   #205
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Default Don't try this at home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, 'You as horny as I am?' . . . and, she always acts like she's sound asleep!"
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Old 04-29-2014, 07:47 AM   #206
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We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was kid. And then she closed her drapes.

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Old 04-30-2014, 05:58 AM   #207
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Old 04-30-2014, 07:37 AM   #208
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What is green and sits in the corner?
The Incredible Sulk.

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Old 04-30-2014, 07:57 AM   #209
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Old 04-30-2014, 02:43 PM   #210
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A famous expert on sex was giving a talk. He stood up and said, "It gives me great pleasure." And then he sat down.

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Old 04-30-2014, 04:56 PM   #211
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Old 04-30-2014, 06:20 PM   #212
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Default lol, I love these....




Happy Go Lucky, I always love it when they make up these outrageous sentences that highlight the importance of commas. It makes me laugh.
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Old 05-01-2014, 06:46 AM   #213
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Smiling -- Ditto that!
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Old 05-01-2014, 04:48 PM   #214
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Default X 3...

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat says to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.


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Old 05-01-2014, 07:56 PM   #215
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Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
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Old 05-01-2014, 07:58 PM   #216
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Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.
Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.
Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"
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Old 05-02-2014, 04:20 AM   #217
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Old 05-02-2014, 08:56 AM   #218
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Why do mice have such tiny balls?

Because so few of them can dance. :P

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Old 05-02-2014, 04:45 PM   #219
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Old 05-03-2014, 06:55 AM   #220
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Think they speak in tongues?

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