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Old 12-19-2011, 09:48 AM   #1
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Question What are your three non-negotiables (in a relationship)?

I think everyone should have at least a few things that they have to have (in a realtionship) to keep the home fires burning and have a little slice of joy in your lives together. I have a few and I know, my S.O. does also. But our have-to's are very different. I'm interested in what works for others. Please share your thoughts of what works and/or would work for you. Thanks

ps. will share mine a little later, i'm late for an appointment) but thinking about how these can change as we become older..
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:32 AM   #2
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Default Great thread!

My 3 non-negotiables, learned the hard, painful way:

1. Total, absolute honesty-no matter how difficult it may be. Not the kind of honesty that says: "Why yes, your ass looks as wide as the Golden Gate bridge in those jeans". This actually could be said differently and still be honest- " I just love how you look in those jeans you wore the other day- so hot on you".

I digress: honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy, functional relationship. To me. Period.

2. Fidelity. Once the "I love you, only you, no cheating in this relationship" has been stated: Honor it or get the fuck out. Note to self: make damn sure you actually follow through with consequences, if this should rear it's ugly head in your next relationship. No more second, third (lost count in last long-term relationship) chances. Zip, nada. I have regained my balls, so-to-speak.

3. Kindness, affection, empathy, sense of humor, flexibility, mutual respect and regular, hot sex- are all rolled into #3. They are all equally important to me.

This is not asking for too much is it?

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Old 12-19-2011, 11:39 AM   #3
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Mine~

1. Daddy-Girl (but I'm no pushover, I have to RESPECT you)
2. Able to manage finances (this does not mean you have to have a lot of money, but good at managing however much we make)
3. Passionate/Intense




Hys~

1. Good cook
2. Affectionate/Thoughtful/Obedient
3. Good Hygiene
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:44 AM   #4
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Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Anya* View Post
My 3 non-negotiables, learned the hard, painful way:

1. Total, absolute honesty-no matter how difficult it may be. Not the kind of honesty that says: "Why yes, your ass looks as wide as the Golden Gate bridge in those jeans". This actually could be said differently and still be honest- " I just love how you look in those jeans you wore the other day- so hot on you".

I digress: honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy, functional relationship. To me. Period.

2. Fidelity. Once the "I love you, only you, no cheating in this relationship" has been stated: Honor it or get the fuck out. Note to self: make damn sure you actually follow through with consequences, if this should rear it's ugly head in your next relationship. No more second, third (lost count in last long-term relationship) chances. Zip, nada. I have regained my balls, so-to-speak.

3. Kindness, affection, empathy, sense of humor, flexibility, mutual respect and regular, hot sex- are all rolled into #3. They are all equally important to me.

This is not asking for too much is it?

Totally agree Anya, I think honesty is one of the most important
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:44 AM   #5
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Default Thank you for the good thread

1) Integrity

2) Intelligence

3) A fine sense of humor.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:47 AM   #6
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Default SoNotHer

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Originally Posted by SoNotHer View Post
1) Integrity

2) Intelligence

3) A fine sense of humor.
intelligence I should have made it 5
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:54 AM   #7
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3 Musts for me:

1. MUST be a stable adult: For me, this means they have a checking account, a stable place to live, and a job of some sort. This doesn't have to mean they have tons of money but it does mean that they would pay their car insurance over buying a new xbox if it came down to it.

2. They must be hella smart with a wicked sense of humor. Smart enough to call me on my shit and funny enough to poke at the irony of it in the first place.

3. They must be honest in every way.
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Old 12-19-2011, 11:56 AM   #8
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I am not going to say honesty, good sense of humour, good hygiene, etc because those are givens. If I have to expect them then that means some people expect me not to expect them and frankly, thats a non reality...

so..here are my three

1) no active addiction raging. I dont care if you are addicted to Build A Bears, get it under control, go to a 12 step meeting for it, admit you are powerless over the damn stuffing and then we can talk. I am working on MINE, so I cant afford to let you not be working on yours too if you have an addiction!

2) you have a purpose in life. There has to be some reason you were put on this earth and to wake up every day. And dont say its to love of me. Thats a given if you are in a relationship with me. I want to see motivation, passion, a drive, etc. Maybe its to feed the feral cats in the park. Or to build a bridge so people can have a clean water supply. Or maybe you want to collect comic books. Great! Just dont have nothing.

3) be a genteel gentleman in the truest sense of the archetype. I dont tolerate poor speech. Slouching pants. Offensive language. Ambigious dating practices. If I have to guess if we are out on a date, because you arent opening doors, smiling and looking into my eyes and holding my attention by the cologne you are wearing, as well as the conversation we are having, we arent getting past the date to get into a relationship.
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Old 12-19-2011, 12:13 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by *Anya* View Post

"Why yes, your ass looks as wide as the Golden Gate bridge in those jeans".

Hey! I resemble that remark! LOL!

Only 3? Crikey! ….Umm….

No smoking, heavy drinking or use of illicit or prescription drugs where they are an addiction and not for genuine medical purposes. This IS a dealbreaker!

Good personal hygiene….that includes clothes, shoes as well as your body!

Honesty and open intimate communication….I don’t just mean sexually intimate communication, but, about feelings, thoughts, opinion, ideas, hopes, dreams, desire, fears, etc. Don’t twist what has been said to suit your own means because what I’ve said has triggered a past event or you don't like it!

I don’t want perfection (that’s boring!), but, accept that we are all a work in progress in life and that we all make mistakes and not to be afraid to openly talk about them with me….I WILL NOT reject you! (Unless you are abusive, but, that's a given!)

….Sneaking another 2 in here, if I may….?

Faithfulness…. I might not be the most beautiful or the sexiest woman. I may not have the perfect body, yet, I am a GREAT choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not – I’m not perfect, yet, I am me! If that is not good enough, and you feel the need for ‘extra’ in your life, I have no problem ending the relationship.

Respect….If you cannot respect yourself, you won’t respect me or anyone else and I will not be disrespected!




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Old 12-19-2011, 12:41 PM   #10
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My 3 things....

Kind/Nice

Respectful

Funny

I don't care about cheating, money, even honesty any more...I need someone who is nice, funny and treats me with respect and is really really really laid back.
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Old 12-19-2011, 01:13 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Miss_Tia View Post
I am not going to say honesty, good sense of humour, good hygiene, etc because those are givens. If I have to expect them then that means some people expect me not to expect them and frankly, thats a non reality...

so..here are my three

1) no active addiction raging. I dont care if you are addicted to Build A Bears, get it under control, go to a 12 step meeting for it, admit you are powerless over the damn stuffing and then we can talk. I am working on MINE, so I cant afford to let you not be working on yours too if you have an addiction!

2) you have a purpose in life. There has to be some reason you were put on this earth and to wake up every day. And dont say its to love of me. Thats a given if you are in a relationship with me. I want to see motivation, passion, a drive, etc. Maybe its to feed the feral cats in the park. Or to build a bridge so people can have a clean water supply. Or maybe you want to collect comic books. Great! Just dont have nothing.

3) be a genteel gentleman in the truest sense of the archetype. I dont tolerate poor speech. Slouching pants. Offensive language. Ambigious dating practices. If I have to guess if we are out on a date, because you arent opening doors, smiling and looking into my eyes and holding my attention by the cologne you are wearing, as well as the conversation we are having, we arent getting past the date to get into a relationship.
THese work well for me....

1. Addiction can sadly include the computer (BFP , Farmville etc) if you would rather get your strokes from online we got a problem....

2. Motivation and passion has to include some action....dont just tell me you are all about something...if you arent doing something towards it then its just talk to me...

3. I have been in a a relationship where someone would have to guess if the other person was my partner, because they didnt believe in PDA...it's so much nicer when someone sees us together they see the love between us and I am not talking about over the top things that would make one say "get a room"

All the above of course is in addition to the obvious, honesty, fidelity, respect, humor, a job, shared house duties etc....I am happy
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Old 12-19-2011, 01:26 PM   #12
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Honesty, trust and sincerity is a given on any relationship for me but the three important things are (in no specific order):

1. Goal-oriented: Have a purpose or a goal that motivates you (excluding me) lol

2. Independent: These are the most attractive and interesting women in my opinion.

3. Intellectual: You can rock my body but if you don't rock my mind..it isn't happening for us

Bottom line I will be your and you will be my but neither of us walks in front or behind..we rule together side by side
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Old 12-19-2011, 01:57 PM   #13
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It's a hard question because I'll think of ten things that do really matter to me by the time I post this... okies, here we go.

1. A stable personality... that comes out that way, if you say six different things depending on your mood we have a big problem right there, I need to know where someones really coming from without having to read between the lines or compare all your statements and guess which one is the overall truth.

2. Honesty everywhere it really counts, if you're lying to me to hide something, trust me I know what the truth is and now you're not only an XYZ but also a liar... I can forgive, understand live with a lot... but if you lie to me about it that is actually like, two strikes every time.

3. Can discuss even a heated difference like an adult, if you deflect, never own your actions, blame everybody but yourself etc etc. yada hey or resort to a nasty personal attack because you've bullshitted yourself into a corner then just do yourself a favor forget it before you even open your mouth...

I'm a very forgiving and understanding person... and I've actually put up with and ignored some of this shit more than I should have, but I've been around the block more than twice, and I just have lost all tolerance at this point in my life for the bs. (and I was right, I could go on and on about now, lol
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Old 12-19-2011, 03:04 PM   #14
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It is very interesting to me how my non-negotiables have changed over the years from wanting complete fidelity to just plain someone I get along with.

I mean, who cares if they cheat if we can't even have a conversation without hurting each other's feelings?

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Old 12-19-2011, 03:14 PM   #15
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Femme is a given.

1. Kind, compassionate and loving.

2. Respectful. This includes honesty and respecting boundaries.

3. Intelligent and geeky. Cause that's hot.

Because I can't just put 3:

4. Strong in herself. That means a girl who is able to clearly state her needs and stand up for herself. I don't want to be with someone who sacrifices her needs and wants for mine. I want to have a relationship where we both compromise and negotiate so that we both get our needs and wants met, equally.

5. Strong chemistry and sexual compatibility. It's got to be hot.
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Old 12-19-2011, 03:28 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by *Anya* View Post
1. Total, absolute honesty

I digress: honesty is the cornerstone of a healthy, functional relationship. To me. Period.

2. Fidelity.

3. Kindness, affection, empathy, sense of humor, flexibility, mutual respect and regular, hot sex- are all rolled into #3.
Them.

I'd like to point out that 'fidelity' also applies in open relationships. I don't want to be left in the dark if you decide to play away.

Kindness is far more important to me now than it ever was, so I think I'd give it it's own category.

And 5. Must like chocolate.
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Old 12-19-2011, 04:23 PM   #17
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And 5. Must like chocolate.
The importance of chocolate must not be ignored!!

Chocolate is medicinal....even at times, better than boobs.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:01 PM   #18
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single,maybe looking if the right person comes along.
 
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Just three?Life isnt that simple at all,I wish it was.

First it would have to be..Honesty, integraty and truthfullness.

Second...Its a big must..be a grown adult that takes responsablity that includes a job or incom with a bank account that u can use.Beleave me when I say I dont need your suport or access to ur bank account,I have my own thank u.

Thirdly-If ur r a cheeter or player or big old drama queen....please dont apply fore this relationship.I am not big enought nor do I want to ride that rollercoaster u r on.I can deal with normal stuff but this dramaramma stuff is a no go.
Forth-I told u it had to be more than three.I have my disablities to deal with,understand I wont all ways be 100% or even colse to it,I will be glad to discuss it with u anytime...I will also do the same for u if u have a issue u need to talk about.

More later.
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:13 PM   #19
weatherboi
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Owned boy
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Hey boy!!!
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counting freckles slowly under Her direction!!!
 

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a healthy heart
a hungry soul
a critical thinking brain

This boy got lucky!!!
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Old 12-19-2011, 08:42 PM   #20
Passionaria
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Urban Bohemian : http://youtu.be/IM96Ch9Gx4A
 
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Only three? I may have to be a serial poster! If these three qualities are present, there is a strong enough connection (for me) to work through the more negotiable stuff.

1. Chemistry, undeniable chemistry. I think that is a combination of a physical, heart and soul connection. Just got to have some.....

2. Emotional honesty, served with fineness.

3. Tenderness of heart with a very naugh
ty edge.

Sometimes 3=5. *Blinks*
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Moon cat madness
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