Under 30 - Coming Up and Coming Out

[Admin]

ButchFemmePlanet has been fantastically blessed to have esteemed member, Selenay, accept the position of Youth Ambassador.


To kick off the discussion, she has written up a blurb to get us all thinking:

"Dyke" "Butch" "Femme" "Trans" "Queer" "Transsensual" "Gay" "Intersexed"

What happens before you're sure you're any of those things? Gender and sexuality are a constant evolution, a constant cycle. For some, they know that they are gay their whole lives; for others, it's a learning process that takes years, if not decades. Being young and queer--or even young and questioning--is probably the hardest place of all to be. Not only do you have to contend with school and friends, work and pleasure, but you have the added struggle of trying to figure out who you are, and who you love... As well as what that means.

Nobody is born with all the answers, and nobody finds them overnight. Taking the first step is where everyone starts.

[Selenay]

Just passin through to say heyo.

If you've got questions, comments, suggestions, love notes, or hate mail for me then you are welcome to post in this thread. If you'd prefer you can send me a PM.

[Zimmeh]

Hey Selenay,

Even though I am over 30, I wanted to post something if that is ok. Growing up, I knew that I was gay and living with my dad who was homophobic, was hard. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I felt like I could finally be myself. I officially came out to everyone when I was 31 and I have never had any regrets about waiting so long. I was able to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Thanks to you and the Admin for starting this thread.

Have a good night,

Zimmy

[Selenay]

Originally Posted by ZimmygLrL

Hey Selenay,

Even though I am over 30, I wanted to post something if that is ok. Growing up, I knew that I was gay and living with my dad who was homophobic, was hard. When I was 28 years old, he passed away and I felt like I could finally be myself. I officially came out to everyone when I was 31 and I have never had any regrets about waiting so long. I was able to find out who I was and what I wanted out of life.

Thanks to you and the Admin for starting this thread.

Have a good night,

Zimmy

Of course you, and everyone else, are welcome in this thread! We don't check people's ID when they walk in the door I'm very glad that you were able to find peace in yourself, and that you could start your journey.

[cerys]

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me. See, that's what TV does to you - rots your brain!

I was in college before I ever met a butch, so I was in college before I knew I was gay. That's all it took. She was my roommate my junior year of college for a semester. Yep, I seduced my roommate and then went abroad to China. After that, I knew what I was looking for. Before then, I just had no idea what was out there or what was possible.

[bright_arrow]

I'm sorry for the length of this post. It is late and my train of thought isn't spectacular, so I hope you can follow along.

I was 12 when I realized I liked girls. Sure, I could admit boys were physically good looking, but I was in no way interested in dating them. I grew up in a small town where everyone knows everyone, a school with no diversity (two African American students and three Chinese students, the rest Caucasian) , so being gay was a big no-no.

We moved to Arizona that summer since my father was stationed there, and I told my new group of friends I was bisexual. The guys thought it was cool, and the sister of one of my new friends identified bisexual as well. I was accepted.

Fast forward to our move to Washington (the state, yes I was a military brat). New friends again, I dated a few guys, but had longer and more satisfying relationships with girls. I came out as a lesbian at the age of 13. My parents told me it was a phase.

When I was 17 I told my mother again that I was a lesbian, and that I was dating a girl and had feelings for her beyond the 'friends' feelings. I just remember her not looking at me as I slid down the wall in tears and cried on the floor as she denied me recognition.

At 18, I went to college and met a guy 32 years old. I moved out of my house without telling my family I was leaving and started living my own life. We got engaged, and later on I became pregnant.. After miscarrying a short time later (something I have never told him), I admitted to him I was a lesbian. He told me that he always suspected I was, and gave me a month to move out. We had already been drifting and we were both talking to someone else, so it was a mutual ending. I moved in with my gay boys, later met a girl, and ended up moving in with her.

One day on the phone my mother asked me if I was living with her, and I told her yes. After many many conversations with my mother, and her seeing that I was happy and still had a "normal" life, my mother accepted me being a lesbian, sort of. My father was still against it and tried to pair me up with men regardless.

Now, at the age of 22 and almost 23, both of my parents have embraced it, and me. They no longer try to set me up with men. They absolutely love my girlfriend and her child, and even my father calls her my girlfriend, whether he is talking to me about her or if introducing her to extended family/friends of the family (Shocking, extremely).

So for those who may feel discouraged, sometimes it takes a very long time, just have to roll with the punches and keep ahold of who you are, because only you can live your life and make yourself happy.

Happiness can't be found, it's something you create.

P.S. A big thank you to my little sister, she has been my #1 supporter since I came out at 12 (when she was 6). Try and speak ill of LGBT folk and my sister will kick some serious ass. Anytime my folks would mention guys my sister would say something like "Oops, nope, she's still gay!" I love her.

[bright_arrow]

Originally Posted by cerys

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me.

Amen to that - Viva la butches!

[Bard]

Just adding my 2 cents worth to this.. I came out at 22 yes a bit ago, when my first Girlfriend had just died in a car accident, needless to say I was a mess only reason I had not been in the car was that the door would not open so I had gone home with our other room mate.. anyway on the phone with my dad dying inside and I just blurted it out to him oh I had been so scared to say anything to him but I worried needlessly he has was supportive and always has been. when others doubt me he never has even jokes that his only daughter is more like him that I got all his charm. I know I am one of the lucky ones and in a way his acceptence makes it not so hard to hide for all the years I have had to being in the military...

[silentshout]

I realized I was gay at 17. (bi around 11 or 12) I've never really came out. I don't see the point. Especially to family. I mean, I don't want them all up in my business. And if straight kids don't have to say anything, then I don't see the reason why I should.

[lipstixgal]

I never knew I was gay until my mid thirties and was married to a man at the time. But pursued a relationship anyway and now I am glad, wish I had someone at this time in my life but hopefully soon I will have a girlfriend who love and cares about me just wish I would have come out sooner...

[Mtn]

Originally Posted by silentshout

I realized I was gay at 17. (bi around 11 or 12) I've never really came out. I don't see the point. Especially to family. I mean, I don't want them all up in my business. And if straight kids don't have to say anything, then I don't see the reason why I should.

I felt the same way for a long time, really until I started seeing women with children and it dawned on me by not coming out I was teaching them homophobia, they knew we weren't "just roommates" but the silence we practiced kept them silent about their lives as well. That was just my experience though.

[silentshout]

Originally Posted by Mtn

I felt the same way for a long time, really until I started seeing women with children and it dawned on me by not coming out I was teaching them homophobia, they knew we weren't "just roommates" but the silence we practiced kept them silent about their lives as well. That was just my experience though.

Understandable. I'm sure my example isn't the best one for closeted youth, however I feel more at ease keeping it to myself. Once I come with a gf, then it's up to them to think what they want. Everyone has their own way, and some parents are more in tune to it than others.

[Ravin]

Hello Everyone..

I knew something was up in high school when I was paying more attention to the cheerleaders than the football players..
I had my first encounter in the 8th grade with a kiss and since then I have never looked back..
When you are young and finding out your sexuality it is hard at times but you always should remember to be true to yourself no matter who you are.

[Pixie]

Hello All!

I am 22 now and came out at 14, but knew a wee bit before that. It was never really hard coming out per say, I was worried and nervous, but I just dove out into the world.

I think for me the most challenging thing has been being a young femme. Not only do you have that time of questioning internally, long after a decision, you have the external questioning from others. Its like others think you will grow out of it because you are young. Or because you are femme there is "hope". *eye roll*

It is also interesting that identifying as queer gets treated like coping out of an answer. You get that look, so are you bi? It kinda makes me giggle.

......anywho off my soapbox of randomness....

[Zimmeh]

I agree with you about the queer part. It took my ex to show me what I had always wanted. I really did live up to the nickname a friend of mine gave me, and that is brat...Hehe..

Have a good night!

Zimmy

Originally Posted by Pixie

Hello All!

I am 22 now and came out at 14, but knew a wee bit before that. It was never really hard coming out per say, I was worried and nervous, but I just dove out into the world.

I think for me the most challenging thing has been being a young femme. Not only do you have that time of questioning internally, long after a decision, you have the external questioning from others. Its like others think you will grow out of it because you are young. Or because you are femme there is "hope". *eye roll*

It is also interesting that identifying as queer gets treated like coping out of an answer. You get that look, so are you bi? It kinda makes me giggle.

......anywho off my soapbox of randomness....

[Captain Franki]

Originally Posted by cerys

I always kind of knew that something was up, but I didn't think I was gay because the thought of kissing someone wearing lipstick was SO not an attractive idea to me. See, that's what TV does to you - rots your brain!

I was in college before I ever met a butch, so I was in college before I knew I was gay. That's all it took. She was my roommate my junior year of college for a semester. Yep, I seduced my roommate and then went abroad to China. After that, I knew what I was looking for. Before then, I just had no idea what was out there or what was possible.

I totally get this. I'm most attracted to boyish spirits and growing up most girls seemed to be feminine, so i didn't consider it for a long while, and even when i did i didn't think i crushed on any girls (although looking back i suspect an unresolved tension with one friend). I can appreciate feminine women now, but really i'm all about boyish women and gqs. I <3 Bois. After years of straight relationships with boyfriends, I'm looking forward to having queer fun with a boifriend one day.

I suspected bisexuality at 15, came out as Trans* and queer at 19, now at 20 I'm still a newbie.

[Captain Franki]

In the real world find it really hard being new to everything at 20 sometimes.

I feel like everyone else around me has known they were queer all their lives and already figured this shit out. I feel so ignorant and green, or a fraud even.

I don't know how to act and tell myself that everyone expects me to know everything, something.

I'm used to men. I'm used to the world of straight dating. I'm used to cismale bodies.

I have no idea what I'm doing.

It's like going through adolescence all over again.

[AtLast]

Just want to say I am so glad that all of the under 30 folks are here on the Planet. I learn quite a bit from younger generations within queerdom. My life was just different because of my age, but I sure remember a lot of inner confusion. I so hope that some of the paths are easier for our youth. I also know you all will make your unique marks.

And you rawk!!!

[wolfbittenpoet]

I'm 24. It's taken me years not of accepting that I like girls but that I am trans. I was 19 when I finally accepted it. Now I am getting to the point that I am accepting that it is femininity that I like on any sex. I am still often confused and lost but I am willing to ask directions or at least invest in compasses now. I was recently told that my parents thought I was trans as early as age 3 or 4 something to do about crying for days until they bought me a football uniform because I hated the cheerleader one my grandmother had bought. I guess I was just scared to be thought of as even more different.

[Goo]

I'm 27, but I've known I liked women since I was a kid, didn't come out til I was 16, and that wasn't by choice. But now looking back on it, I'm so glad that my good friend outted me.

It's hard sometimes being young and finding your identity in the community at large, because sometimes you're still finding yourself, like I am.

Love this thread by the way