Changing last names

[Kent]

When and if I ever marry, I'd want and hope my girl would want to change her last name to mine.

[chai~]

I would NOT change my last name, would never want to be absorbed like that, and the thought of someone wanting to take my last name makes me cringe......it's mine and I don't want to share it~

When in a relationship, my partners friend asked if I would change if we married....I was taken aback...so because I am femme, and my partner was butch, I was "expected" to change my name??? WTH!!!! No No No thankyouverymuch!!!!!

[ValentineTomboy]

I think that it's different for every couple. There's no wrong answer. For me, yes I would love it if she took my last name. It would make me enormously proud. But only if she wanted to.

[Cailin]

I wouldn't mind one bit changing my last name (current, atleast). I have no attatchment to it- I didnt know my father. So changing it, would actually be a bit of a "lift off the shoulders". However, recently I've been wanting to take my grandmothers maiden name. Now that, I would have to think about changing from (I'm very into my family's history.) But in the end, I see it as this : I love you, and if it makes you happy, something so little as a name change, then why the hell not!

[MsTinkerbelly]

I changed my last name to my Wife's, and I debated a long time before I did it because I wondered if it was even required these days to be "the same". We talked about making a new name...a combo of our maiden names, but I just didn't like the way it sounded. Our last name is actually her hetro-married name...but it's who she is after so many years, and it fits us.

I like having the same last name...it just feels special to me, like an us against the world kind of thing.

[tantalizingfemme]

I would change my last name to my beloved's, no questions asked; to me it is an honor. What I would also do is keep my maiden name as my middle name as I want to keep that connection with my son.

I was thinking about the idea of combining last names and if Dapper and I got married and we combined last names it would sound like hurl. lol

Not gonna work.....

[suebee]

Before we got married we discussed if we should change our names. Our marriage is recognized legally, so it would have been easy to do. For us the best choice would have been an amalgamation of the two names - our names are too long to be hyphenated, and we didn't care for the option of one losing her birth name to take on the other's birth name. Unfortunately the only combination of the two names that we could come up with was "Rabies". The thought of: "Rabies! Table for two for the Rabies family!" effectively ended the debate. So it's Mrs. and Mrs. Suebee and Dandy until further notice. lol

[Heavenleahangel]

I would hope that my hubby/partner/spouse (whichever term floats your boat here) would honor me with their last name. I am old fashioned like that-especially of we will be having/raising children. Just my 2 cents.

[Daring_Dreamer]

When my fiance and I get married I'm taking their last name. They didn't ask me to, it was something I choose and it make them really happy when I told them I wanted to do that. For me its a sign of commitment and honor. A sign to the world that this is the person who holds and protects my heart.

[julieisafemme]

I am in the process of changing my name. I am very happy to do so. I did not change my name in my first marriage. My spouses last name is nice. My maiden name is very hard to spell and pronounce and I won't miss that.

[s0litude]

Originally Posted by TenderDaddy

I would never insist on it but it sure would make my heart swell up if she wanted to.

Agreed! In the future, I'd be honoured if she chose to, but it would be just that: her choice. But c'mon... I'd want her to want my last name, but I just wouldn't push it.

My ex of 2 years did take my last name because...

1. She thought my last name was great
2. She wasn't especially fond of her last name
3. The whole rigid gender expectations thing was more important to her than me

Afterwards, she took her religious name-- and kept it even after she re-married.

[sofimichi]

I have a super long Hispanic last name, and my fiance has a short name.
I think I will change my name to hers. Mrs. ___ ___ sounds good to me.
Oh my god. I am so excited!!!

[Ginger]

The kind of person I would fall in love with wouldn't want me to change my name to hers.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

The kind of person I would fall in love with wouldn't want me to change my name to hers.

Ok, so because I like the idea of TF changing her name to mine I am what? A misogynist? Is it like an automatic thing or do my other characteristics and character traits come into account when determining this?

Just wondering.

:smh:

ETA: Am I less of a misogynist if it actually tickles her fancy more than it does mine? Is she is misogynist? Or are we just bad feminists? So many questions....

[Soon]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Ok, so because I like the idea of TF changing her name to mine I am what? A misogynist? Is it like an automatic thing or do my other characteristics and character traits come into account when determining this?

Just wondering.

:smh:

ETA: Am I less of a misogynist if it actually tickles her fancy more than it does mine? Is she is misogynist? Or are we just bad feminists? So many questions....

Isn't Island Scout speaking for herself and what she finds desirable in a partner when it comes to this issue? I don't see anyone calling you or TF a misogynist or a bad feminist. She was expressing a personal preference.

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

The kind of person I would fall in love with wouldn't want me to change my name to hers.

The same goes for me.

Dapper, although I personally find it maddening that ALL the people who have volounteered to change their name to match their partner's in this thread are femmes, and ALL the people who have noted a preference for their partner to change her name to their own are butch or trans, which not coincidentally matches a heteronormative custom of men taking ownership of the women who marry them, even I haven't said "misogyny" yet. You did. Hmmm.

Everyone is free to change their name however they want. I may not understand it, but it's their name and their choice. Several people have discussed blending names, but so far NOT ONE butch or trans person has volounteered to take the name of the femme they marry. I'm getting a little cranky about that.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by IslandScout

The kind of person I would fall in love with wouldn't want me to change my name to hers.

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

The same goes for me.

Why is that? Why wouldn't you fall in love with a person who would want that? Who/what is that "kind of person"?

[CherylNYC]

Originally Posted by DapperButch

Why is that? Why wouldn't you fall in love with a person who would want that? Who is that "kind of person"?

Names are powerful symbols. I wouldn't expect a person who I partnered with or married to change her name to mine because her name is her own identity, and I wouldn't want her to change something as primary as her identity in order to marry me. That would be an absorption of her autonomous personhood into mine that would not feel comfortable for me.

For exactly the same reasons, I wouldn't want to be with a person who expected me to subsume my identity into hers. Should a prospective partner ever ask that of me the extra irritant in her request, which would be coming from a masculine person, would come about because that very symbolic gesture would carry the freight of thousands of years of autonomous males legally dominating disenfranchised females. Even if the earth shifted on its axis and I were to consider marriage to a person who was not masculine, marriage has meant ownership of one person by another for so long that I'm particularly prickly about anything that would appear to diminish my autonomy in a legally sanctioned relationship.

I understand that butches are not men. Butches and femmes get to choose the rituals that work for them, those choices may or may not reflect heteronormative values, and it's not my business to judge if they do. I just won't be going anywhere near that road, much less traipse down it myself. Those are my personal choices, and I feel pretty strongly about them.

That said, trans men usually get pretty bent out of shape when people say they're not really men. So when men of any kind expect women, femmes or otherwise, to reflexively change their names when they marry, you can bet your next mortgage payment that I'm going to get cranky. Men and women choose to do this all the time. Their lives, their choices. The part that really freaks me out is that no one is questioning why women reflexively change their names and men never consider doing so. Oh, perhaps they might hyphenate, but when Joe Smith marries Jane Johnson, they never become the Johnsons. Has anyone asked why that is since… ohhh… 1979?

What kind of person would expect me to change my name to their's when I marry? That would be a person who has never met me.

[DapperButch]

Originally Posted by CherylNYC

Names are powerful symbols. I wouldn't expect a person who I partnered with or married to change her name to mine because her name is her own identity, and I wouldn't want her to change something as primary as her identity in order to marry me. That would be an absorption of her autonomous personhood into mine that would not feel comfortable for me.

For exactly the same reasons, I wouldn't want to be with a person who expected me to subsume my identity into hers. Should a prospective partner ever ask that of me the extra irritant in her request, which would be coming from a masculine person, would come about because that very symbolic gesture would carry the freight of thousands of years of autonomous males legally dominating disenfranchised females. Even if the earth shifted on its axis and I were to consider marriage to a person who was not masculine, marriage has meant ownership of one person by another for so long that I'm particularly prickly about anything that would appear to diminish my autonomy in a legally sanctioned relationship.

I understand that butches are not men. Butches and femmes get to choose the rituals that work for them, those choices may or may not reflect heteronormative values, and it's not my business to judge if they do. I just won't be going anywhere near that road, much less traipse down it myself. Those are my personal choices, and I feel pretty strongly about them.

That said, trans men usually get pretty bent out of shape when people say they're not really men. So when men of any kind expect women, femmes or otherwise, to reflexively change their names when they marry, you can bet your next mortgage payment that I'm going to get cranky. Men and women choose to do this all the time. Their lives, their choices. The part that really freaks me out is that no one is questioning why women reflexively change their names and men never consider doing so. Oh, perhaps they might hyphenate, but when Joe Smith marries Jane Johnson, they never become the Johnsons. Has anyone asked why that is since… ohhh… 1979?

What kind of person would expect me to change my name to their's when I marry? That would be a person who has never met me.

Want and expect are two different things. I wouldn't suggest anyone date someone who "expected" someone to change their name.

IslandScout's word was "want", it was not "expect". A whole different ball of wax. If the post said "expect", I would have given the post a "thanks", instead of a response.

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

I changed mine already once, to take my mother's last name and a new first and middle when I started transition. because my father isn't supportive at all mad mom is, so.
Daisy's current last name is from the ex husband...it fits her though and if she wanted to keep it, or hypenate it it would be okay with me...it's not the name I am marrying it's her. Still it would be nice to hear Mrs. SAB.


~SAB