Caregivers and Stress

[flapdoodle]

9 years ago, I uprooted my life, rented out my house to move back to NY to care for my Mother.
This lasted years.
I had lost so much weight from stress, I was weak, tired, exhausted in every way.
I was moms legs ..eyes, everything. After a broken hip and other walking issues, Mom was recliner bound, unable to even get up & get into bed, but, sharp as a tack. My heart hurt watching my Mother suffer in a body that was no longer hers.

My wife and I lost our moms 4 months apart. I can wake up every day knowing I did my very best. I deal constantly with the "if I was this ..or had I done that would mom still be here", I learned I had done all I could and no matter what more i did or didn't do, the guilt of not being enough would always loom.

She became my best friend, confidant, buddy, full time job, and my child, while always being my Mom. She died in my arms, while I was wetting her lips, she smiled and drifted off knowing she was safe.

She once called me her life line.
I wish she would call me right now.

You are all amazing for what you are doing. It's the most important job you will ever have.

[Kelt]

I'm working through the documents to set up an alternative power of attorney and guardianship for my mother should something happen to me before she dies. So far I have an incredibly detailed an comprehensive medical dpoa done, good enough I've decided to use it myself as well replacing what I currently have. Don't even start me on the financials, I hope those will be ready in a week or so. This should have been done a year ago, I had to switch attorneys to get the ball rolling, I hope there isn't too much fallout because I still need the original one for some other things. I just can't leave her unprotected this long.

Since there is no family, I have to use a stranger, a geriatric care manager. I've never made such difficult decisions in my life. Trying to imagine every scenario, predict every possible hiccup, and put in place bulletproof provisions for each. It can't be done of course due to the ever present "unknown-unknown".

This is unlikely to be needed as I plan on staying alive, but this would also go into effect if I hit predetermined levels of incapacity due to disability I cannot predict.

At the same time it is getting ever more real in my own mind that I have to do this for myself as well.

There is a lot of very unpleasant thinking that has to go into all of this.

[TruTexan]

I have decided it's time to leave here. I've decided it's time for me to get MY life back. It's time for me to move on from being mom's caretaker. I love my mom, but my life is changing around me, I"m involved with a beautiful woman, and it's time I spent MY life, living it. I've decided I'm moving in with my gf.
I know it's going to be a rocky road for me to talk to my family about it, and younger sister will use manipulation and guilt trips to try to get me to stay. I can't let them put me on a guilt trip. I've done my part and it's time I lived MY life as I need to live it. I will only be at most 5 hours away, it's not like I"m 3 states away. Mom's brothers can watch over her or she can move to Tenneessee to live with my younger sister. I've done all I can and I'm burnt out and need my life back. I love mom, but it's long over due.

[Martina]

Today the oncologist used the word "dying" for the first time, referring to my mother who has brain cancer. I just can't accept it. There can't be a world without my mother in it. There is no world that I accept without my mother in it.

[dykeumentary]

For the last 10 years my life has been spiraling closer to Mom's and to being her caregiver. This summer that's all I did. Last week she broke her hip. So combined with her advanced Parkinson's, the nursing home seems to be the best option.
I'm devastated. Could I do more? Could I have prevented this? Am I letting her down if she goes to a nursing home?

[Zimmeh]

After taking care of my dad for the last ten years of his life and seeing how he was treated in a nursing home; I decided to become a certified nursing assistant and eventually a registered nurse. I will treat all of my residents with the respect and dignity they deserve. On Friday, I started working on the floor of the nursing home and started talking to an elderly woman named Betty. Her and I both agree, that the Wizard Of Oz is one of the best movies. Watching her smile at the thought of remembering watching this movie, melted my heart.

Zimmeh

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by dykeumentary

For the last 10 years my life has been spiraling closer to Mom's and to being her caregiver. This summer that's all I did. Last week she broke her hip. So combined with her advanced Parkinson's, the nursing home seems to be the best option.
I'm devastated. Could I do more? Could I have prevented this? Am I letting her down if she goes to a nursing home?

What a difficult decision you face...

I always told myself that my Mom would never be placed in a nursing home, and I was lucky we never got to that point. Well actually that is not 100% accurate...she went to a nursing home for rehab and care when she broke her hip. I ran several care homes/skilled nursing facilities, and they are mostly wonderful places.

Sometimes the decision boils down to where would she receive the best care?

Can you do it at home? Are you healthy enough, because it takes everything out of you. Do you have support? Is home the best place for her, or does it feel like you HAVE to in order to be a good child?

I hope you have help in making your choices, but it can be a struggle if you have siblings who are not on the same page, and can't/won't help.

Hang in there and do the best you can; she is lucky to have someone who cares in her life.

[Tommi]

Hope everyone is well, and able to give thanks for the life you have today, and hope for a sunny tomorrow, and give thanks some more.

[TIMBERWOLF]

Its a hard thing and sad to watch your parents go down hill and the best we can do is make sure they transfer to the afterlife the Great Spirit has been prepping them for. I took both of my parents to a safe and loving relief of this land.
Now My older sister who wouldn't listen to me when I told her not to go on Home Hemo due to her having uncontrolled blood sugars,BP and fluid gains and 3 heart attacks has passed on this last Monday. I have been on dialysis for 3 yrs and when I was on peritoneal dialysis I had to have emergency surgery and almost died for infection. I told her then do not go on home dialysis stay in center. My sister was the type that wouldn't listen to anyone but scam guys.
May she rest in peace or finally find peace.

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by TIMBERWOLF

Its a hard thing and sad to watch your parents go down hill and the best we can do is make sure they transfer to the afterlife the Great Spirit has been prepping them for. I took both of my parents to a safe and loving relief of this land.
Now My older sister who wouldn't listen to me when I told her not to go on Home Hemo due to her having uncontrolled blood sugars,BP and fluid gains and 3 heart attacks has passed on this last Monday. I have been on dialysis for 3 yrs and when I was on peritoneal dialysis I had to have emergency surgery and almost died for infection. I told her then do not go on home dialysis stay in center. My sister was the type that wouldn't listen to anyone but scam guys.
May she rest in peace or finally find peace.

Sorry for you loss. Many with Disease and illness visit here, , send love and hope, and giving thanks this week. Knowing diabetes, and kidney failure, like you do, and having the support of love at home has made a difference in your longevity I bet. Besides, with your spouses medical background, she knows when and what to do.
She has been a caregiver her whole life, plus raising a child with difficult needs by herself,

So well wishes to you, Spirit Dancer and your daughter

[TruTexan]

Well my new life move was a huge mistake. I'm now back and living with my mom. I dont have the means right now to get my own place. Its going to be a very long time begore I can. Please pray mom and I get along well enough until I can move out after paying off my debts.

[Zimmeh]

I work in the rehab unit at a nursing home. It's a good feeling to watch your residents become well enough to go home. Some of our residents never leave. I make their stay a very happy one. The residents call me and my coworker the crazy aids. I hope you make the best decision, because my mom and stepdad put his grandma in the nursing home where I work. She received the best care and love until her death this past Monday.

My thoughts are with you,


Zimmeh

Originally Posted by dykeumentary

For the last 10 years my life has been spiraling closer to Mom's and to being her caregiver. This summer that's all I did. Last week she broke her hip. So combined with her advanced Parkinson's, the nursing home seems to be the best option.
I'm devastated. Could I do more? Could I have prevented this? Am I letting her down if she goes to a nursing home?

[dykeumentary]

Zimmeh, I'm sorry for your loss. Also thank you for your kind words of support.

[Kobi]

My Mom is 87. She was well enough to live alone in her own home until a month ago when she fell and hurt her leg.

She has been in rehab and was doing well but it became clear she could not live alone anymore. Her memory deficits became more noticeable out of her own environment. And physically her mobility is limited due to her pre-existing medical problems and now the leg.

Her personality makes it more complicated. She is either crying hysterically or verbally lashing out at everyone who is trying to help her or completely normal and calm. You never know which will greet you when you call or visit.

Sometimes she understands assisted living is needed. Other times she does not.

There are 3 of us kids. I have been in and out of the hospital since August and am facing anther surgery by Xmas. My sibling who took over Mom's care had a heart attack 2 weeks ago and the stress of dealing with her on this matter is affecting him noticeably. He has to leave when she starts with her crying or anger because it upsets him so.

My other bro and wife have had to take over the planning and the physical stuff us other 2 cannot do. Funny how they kept their distance for the last 10 years even tho they live next door to Mom, and helped only when asked and the help came with attitude. Now, they are more than happy to help out now as needed without any attitude. Irks me to no end.

Yesterday, she was evaluated by the assisted living they chose. We are awaiting word on her acceptance. It sounds like a very nice place and is lovely. But, Mom isnt a sociable kind of person. She prefers only to be with family. There are only a handful of us left and we are scattered thru New England.

Mom is stressed to the max. We are stressed to the max. I wish I knew what to do to make the transition easier for her and for us.

[Zimmeh]

Kobi,

I would go visit this place. When a new resident comes to my unit, we make them feel at home. If they cry frequently, I go up to them and hug them. This is a scary time for them. We had one lady, who would punch us and by the time she was sent home, would give us a hug. Just give your mom time to adjust to being in the rehab home and put up pictures of you and your siblings.


Zimmeh

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by Kobi

My Mom is 87. She was well enough to live alone in her own home until a month ago when she fell and hurt her leg.
------
Mom is stressed to the max. We are stressed to the max. I wish I knew what to do to make the transition easier for her and for us.

Originally Posted by dykeumentary

For the last 10 years my life has been spiraling closer to Mom's and to being her caregiver. This summer that's all I did. Last week she broke her hip. So combined with her advanced Parkinson's, the nursing home seems to be the best option.
I'm devastated. Could I do more? Could I have prevented this? Am I letting her down if she goes to a nursing home?

Kobi and dykeumentary,

It is a tough transition, and one we never want to face. Dykeumentary, imagine this is so hard to watch, and not be able to stop the progression of what will be best for them.

Kobi, Just wanted to let you know, I have seen folks just like your Mom thrive from a safe transition. Even though a loner, she may find that the companionship, safety and once familiar with the folks will bring her a new lease on life.

Take her things she is fond of. Framed Favorite photo's for her wall, and even a bedside lamp, or other items they may permit will help.

Hoping for the best for you and yours.

[Kobi]

The not-for-profit educational travel organization Road Scholar offers $1,300 grants for caregivers to help eliminate cost as a barrier to participating in a learning adventure. Available in 50 states, the programs provide a warm, inclusive community that all Road Scholars enjoy.

Who Is Eligible For A Family Caregiver Grant?

You’re an eligible caregiver if…

Your loved one is receiving Home Care, Hospice, visiting nurse, LPN services, or comparable or related services.
Your loved one is in Hospice, Adult Day Care, Memory-care, Nursing Home or comparable or related facility.
You lost a loved one within the past two years who was in any of the above situations.
You live in the United States and are 50 years of age or older.


How Much is The Award?

The Caregiver Grant is an award of up to $1,300 applied to the cost of a Road Scholar program. Road Scholar only asks that you pay a $100 deposit, to ensure your spot in the program.


Can I Use The Grant for Any Road Scholar Program?

The grants are only available for our programs in the United States that cost no more than $1,400.


What’s Included in Road Scholar Programs?

We take care of everything. Lodging, meals, field trips, transportation during your program and much more — it’s all included.


Can I Go by Myself?

Yes! Solo travelers love our learning adventures for the warm and welcoming camaraderie.

The Caregiver Grant is applied to the cost of your program only. It does not cover the cost of transportation to and from your program.

These grants will be available until they are all awarded.

website

[Chad]

My mom had a knee replacement last Tuesday. The hospital sent her to a "rehabilitation center" on Thursday.

Well last night I got the call that mom was crying and the "rehab center" was neglecting her.

I went into full on bull mode (not pretty). I called mom's doctor on her cell phone and told her that I was coming up there today and taking mom back to the hospital. Well the "rehab center" was really a nursing home and it was gross. I took mom back to the hospital but after 5 hours in the ER they would not admit her. So I brought her home to my house.

Tomorrow we will begin again with a doctors appointment and try to get her into a real rehab center.

Sometimes the health care system can be a challenge.

I have to take off work but hey she is my mom.

[pumpndude]

Hi, I'm a caregiver for my mom who is 94yr old now and my sisters legal guardian. She has slowed down a lot more and her memory is starting to affect her and I have my sister who was born slow...She used to help me more but she had surgery in 2014 and right now she needs to walk more and start lifting weights to get her arms stronger. She doesn't walk as much as she could, so she's a work in progress..

Yes I get somewhat stressed but I'm grateful that I can be there for my family... I have been in recovery for 20 yrs now....I am grateful that I found recovery and I have a place to vent, at meetings (AA/NA), and meet people that are care givers too....
I manage all accounts , bills , etc. , I don't have more time for home repairs or work on property. I'm on disability but I think that's helpful because I can be home more.

I have work to do on my property too but one job at a time....I'm going to finally go and talk to a worker and see what kind of support I can get....I'll sign my mom and sis up for meals on wheels and see if I can get help cleaning the house....whatever help I can get will be very helpful

I would love to have support from a spouse but that's not the case...
Some day I will find the right lady as a partner and best friend or she will find me.....

Anyway that's my story ....

To all here, I just take it one day at a time and take timeout for myself....

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by pumpndude

Hi, I'm a caregiver for my mom who is 94yr old now and my sisters legal guardian. She has slowed down a lot more and her memory is starting to affect her and I have my sister who was born slow...She used to help me more but she had surgery in 2014 and right now she needs to walk more and start lifting weights to get her arms stronger. She doesn't walk as much as she could, so she's a work in progress..

Yes I get somewhat stressed but I'm grateful that I can be there for my family... I have been in recovery for 20 yrs now....I am grateful that I found recovery and I have a place to vent, at meetings (AA/NA), and meet people that are care givers too....
I manage all accounts , bills , etc. , I don't have more time for home repairs or work on property. I'm on disability but I think that's helpful because I can be home more.

I have work to do on my property too but one job at a time....I'm going to finally go and talk to a worker and see what kind of support I can get....I'll sign my mom and sis up for meals on wheels and see if I can get help cleaning the house....whatever help I can get will be very helpful

I would love to have support from a spouse but that's not the case...
Some day I will find the right lady as a partner and best friend or she will find
me.....

Anyway that's my story ....

To all here, I just take it one day at a time and take timeout for myself....

Here in California you can get hours for domestic help if your doctor says you need them, and you are under a certain $$ income or receive SSI in addition to SS disability.

It does not have to be a licensed person...they just take a 1 day seminar about rules and regulations. My friend gets 24 hours a week of help with feeding, dressing, bathing...they don't monitor how the hours are broken down, so someone could come in and clean, do laundry, cook a weeks worth of meals for the freezer, etc...

IHSS is the agency, check your listing for the number in your area.

Good luck!