Tell us...I knew I was...

[katsarecool]

I always felt different. A bit of a tomboi with girly girls likes as well. I too loved to play with trucks in the dirt with my brother. I hated getting dolls for gifts. Once my brother and I played Cowboys and Indians and we hung Chatty Cathy from the rafters in the basement. She was our hostage but she talked too much. Boys were for playing on a baseball team with and good for best friends but nothing more. I could never feel comfortable with them in that sexual way and when they tried it as I entered puberty it made me furious!

I had a hard time finding my niche as there was not anyone around that I was attracted too; spent many years not knowing any butches. I finally met one when I was 18, married and very pregnant. When she looked at me I thought I would faint!!! And began being very unsatisfied with my life at that point. I had three kids by the time I was 25. At 29, I woke up one morning and realized that if I was forced to live this way much longer I would end my life. Actually had it planned out. But then I looked at my young children and realized that I could not do that to them.

So I stayed married, even divorced and married again. Numbed myself down for many years till my kids were almost grown. I left them in the care of their father (two already graduated and the youngest almost there) and moved to another state with the intention of making my marriage really work or come out. I never felt close to those two men. There was never any true intimacy. I feel bad about that now. They deserved better than I was able to give them. And though divorced for a long time both men are still angry at my deception. If they only knew that my deception caused me greater pain than they could ever understand. But still I have regrets that I hurt them.

So I finally came out, took sometime to explore who I was and what kind of person I was really attracted to; but I knew it just took awhile to acknowledge it.

Another thing that kept me in the closet for so long and now sounds totally stupid was the myths about lesbians. That you could not have a normal life with family. That you could not have the house with the white picket fence. That all lesbians were immoral, were alcoholics and drug addicts too. And that lesbians could not have a monogamous relationship. So I denied self again till I began the process of coming out and became involved in a large community of lesbians and realized how normal they were and I was so happy.

It took another while to find a butch woman; my first lover who was much younger than I. I was (and still am) in love with her. It was a wonderful first experience as she was so good to me. Unfortunately, she was an alcoholic and refused to stop drinking when I gave her an ultimatim. I wish it had turned out differently because I have not had such a close intimate relationship any where close to that level since.

BTW Butches can still get my heart fluttering and cause me to blush at this ripe ole age!!! k.d.lang can park her shoes under my bed any ole time.

I think my coming out process would have been much shorter and easier if I had lived in the North or at least a large city. I spent most of my life living in small towns in the SE part of the US. So the community was so closeted and scattered. Another note is that lesbians who do not look gay have a hard time connecting and attracting butches especially if they are shy. And I am.

Tommi, great topic and I am loving reading the coming out stories!

[pajama]

Hmmmm. Well I can remember pre-puberty practicing with my two best friends. Kissing and rubbing on each other. Honestly I don't remember being attracted to them, just more practice for when we would have boyfriends.

In High School I enjoyed fantasies about Coach Oldacre (male) and Mrs. Linton. Mrs. Linton was my senior year and those fantasies were very sexual. I should also mention that she was very feminine and very controlling. With long nails and low-cut tops. Now that pattern has continued into my adulthood. LOL

I honestly thought at the time that it was a stage I would outgrow. Not because it was bad or because anyone told me that, just because I figured it was my sexual curiosity. By this time I was having sex with boys and liked it quite a bit.

I didn't have my first sex with a woman until I was 19 and it was just an opportunity. Nothing romantic or love, etc.

I still actually consider myself bi, just because I don't find men offensive or anything. But as I have progressed and dated women mostly, I no longer feel comfortable dating men. The social aspect of it, not the physical. I like being a gentleman outside the bedroom. I like taking care of my girl, opening doors, sending flowers, etc. Most guys aren't too into that. LOL

So that's my story. Nothing very exciting...but probably a lot confusing.

A

[cara]

i knew and acknowledged i was kinky long before i ever acknowledged i was lesbian/queer. i have read journal entries from my teenage years where i was wondering about my sexual orientation but honestly didn't know there was any other option than "straight" for me until i left home at 18 and went to college. my teenage years were full of confusion, depression, anxiety, and subtle rebellion in the form of self-given piercings and tattoos.

i wasn't interested in dating in junior high or high school, so my first date was my high school senior prom and i went with a male friend and classmate. i went on one other date with a male my freshman year of college, lost my virginity to a male when i was a sophomore in college, then didn't date or do anything intimate with anyone else until i was 22 and living/studying in Edinburgh, Scotland. It was there that i met the woman i first kissed at a rugby tourney on the Isle of Mull. We went on a few dates and slept together a few times before i came home. After i that, i met my first girlfriend, who was from Memphis, TN and we had a long-distance relationship for nearly two years. i came out to my parents when i was 24.

8 or 9 years and a few more relationships later, here i am at 33 and fully knowing and accepting myself as a queer/lesbian, kinky, femme. It has been a tough road but totally worth it. Obviously, there's a lot more to my story but this is the short version. I live my life as an open book so if there is anything you want to ask me, feel free!

Thanks, Tommi!

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by LipstickLola

I have always been different, the proverbial 'black sheep' (now PINK) of the family Along with my dolls, I played with a metal, yellow Tonka truck that I got one Christmas. Played in the creek with the neighbor boys finding crawdads to keep in a coffee can. Wore overalls and a pixie hair cut and always had a crush on another girl. Yet when I brought my high school g/f home.......the crap hit the fan. It was 1977 in my traditional, southern, religious family, I know'd I done wrong!! Thus began the stiffling of Lola.

I married a guy that was my best friend who had been dumped by his fiance, we shared lots of the same ideals, and more importantly? the family approved! We had kids and a great life, until I got so sick that I tried to end my life......what was at the bottom? me, the real me. I'm so happy I found her in time to live the second half of my life as the person God made me to be, today, on Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for that, among many other things.

Thanks for sharing your story. It is amazing how many years we spend living for other's. Happy you found "her" and Happy Day after Thanksgiving.

Appreciate all of the posts here. Everyone of us makes this a beautiful tapestry of life, and am so glad we came together, even if just to hit enter.

Did you hear that??? It is the Pumpkin Pie in the fridge. I hear it calling me to the kitchen.. for breakfast?

[Tommi]

Originally Posted by softness

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

Fits fine for me and mine/relationships.

Love,
Ricky

[FlowerFem]

Looking back now, I was always attracted to strong women, but I didn't know what the attraction was when I was young. I dated boys all throughout my teens and the first year of college. I never even considered a women or even knew it was an option for me. I knew noone that was gay, I had no gay friends (that I knew of) and it just wasn't a part of my life, I had no exposure.
But I started meeting more people at parties and in my classes made friends with a few lesibans , I wouldn't call them butch really, but they were athletes. Then through them, I met this butch who played softball and basketball, and that was the end of my sheltered life,as I knew it .

[diamondrose]

Originally Posted by softness

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

I feel the same way

[Starbuck]

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

[katsarecool]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

I think so many of us can relate to your coming out story!! Wishing you well and lots of happiness in your journey!

[Tommi]

Starbuck

Thanks for your post Starbuck.Sounds like this time you found someone that wasn' abusive, so, that has been safer for you, even though you are left unfulfilled. Maybe he will meet someone and move on, or, you could just move on. I am not a good one for love lorn advice. I screw up wet dreams. Best wishes, and I'm glad you found the Planet.

[WolfyOne]

Wow, reading these stories makes me remember my own journey. As a kid, I was always a tomboy. Growing up in an era where children were sheltered, I had no idea what gay or homosexual really was. Now that I'm older and look back, I'd call myself naive back then. I dated boys because it was expected of me. I never had sex with them until just before I married at 17 1/2. What I found out was I didn't like sex with a man. I found it disgusting and it hurt. After about 6 months and me avoiding the bedroom when he wanted it, made me realize something was wrong. A year into our marriage, I was introduced to 4 women in a country band. I found myself instantly attracted to one of them and couldn't pinpoint why. From that day on, I had a lot of self exploration. I finally walked out on my marriage. It was through those women that I was able to figure out who I really was because one of them was kind enough to let me stay in her spare bedroom. So many times the women called me a baby butch and I knew not of what they spoke. At 19, I finally sat down with a good friend and a bottle of wine. We talked for hours and she brought out the person I was meant to be for the rest of my life. I have never once looked back, no reason for self doubt. I am who I am and I guess I always was this way but the way I was raised made me deny it because I didn't understand it way back then. I will agree that the intimacy I share with women is so much more than what I shared with a man. Thank the powers that be for self exploration along with good friends and wine.

[dixie]

I had kind of an odd upbringing, so in some ways I'm surprised at how I turned out and some ways not. Allow me to explain (this might be kinda long, sorry...)

I am a poster child for the effects of antibiotics while on birth control...lol My mother did not want kids, eventhough my dad did. When I was born, my mother decided that if she was stuck with a kid, she'd rather have a boy. My dad was ok with this since that meant I would be his little sidekick. So...I was pretty much raised as a boy. I wore boy clothes (even little suits and ties), had a short "boy" haircut, and was called "Jake" or "Chris". (My name is Crystal.) My dad would still buy me some Barbie dolls, but for the most part all my toys were tonka trucks, Hot Wheels and GI Joes. I begged for an Easy Bake oven but never got it because that was a "sissy" toy. I played football, wrestled, went hunting and fishing with Dad, drag raced and did all the "guy" stuff. We still went to church on occasion, so I looked really darn funny in those big poofy Easter dresses with that short hair. (I also HATED those damn dresses...lol) It wasn't until middle school that other members of the family gave my folks a hard time about it, so they started buying me a few girl clothes and makeup, and got me to grow my hair to shoulder length. By 10th grade I had embraced my "female" side (much to my mother's displeasure) and became a definite raging teen girl...lol I was still a tomboy, but I wore skintight jeans, makeup and grew my hair to my waist. As I've aged, I've noticed that (especially the last couple years) I get more and more feminine. In a way, I enjoy some aspects of it, but at the same time I hate it and feel kinda torn inside about it.

I still have some issues that stem from this. I am not really comfortable being with "the girls". I feel extremely self-conscious being around other feminine women, whether they be femmes, lesbians or hetero. I do not feel as though I belong. I do not feel as though I am one of them. I have hardly any close feminine friends because of it. I am much more comfortable hanging out with butches, transguys and cis males. I literally still feel like "one of the guys". Sometimes I do wonder how I ended up looking and IDing the way I do, instead of more butch or even trans.

Ok...how all that ties in to the subject at hand... I sometimes wonder if being raised as a boy started my fascination (love) of females, which began at a very early age. In elementary school I was always sneaking off with the cute lil girls and kissing them behind the building...lol By high school, I had "secret" girlfriends while I was still dating guys. My cousin was pretty much ran out of my town when he came out in his 30s, and after seeing how devastating that was to him I swore it wouldn't happen to me. Also, being raised in a strict religious family, I was afraid of what they would think of me, or if they would disown me. I knew that it was required of me to be a "normal" girl and date "normal" guys. So that's what I did. I even married one and had a son. Didn't take very long to figure out that I couldn't keep doing that to myself. I was miserable and hated every minute of it, eventhough it wasn't really a "real" marriage. (He knew that I was into women, and he was bi himself.) I finally came out, and was very surprised at the fact that my family was very accepting of it. Most of them said they had known all along.

From there I started trying to discover more about who I truly was, and what I was looking for. I called myself bi for a little while, because I thought that's what it meant for my situation. I had been married and had a son, but I was attracted to women. The more folks I met, books I read, forums I went to...I realized that my definition of self "evolved". (I also discovered the b/f world, trans folks and many other folks I didn't realize were out there.) I wasn't actually bi because I had zero attraction to cis males. I wasn't really a lesbian because that just didn't seem to fit, and felt kind of like a box (although sometimes I still use that term because it's easier to get the point across to those who are not familiar). I identify as a femme sometimes because it's kinda close to who I am, how I look, etc. I joke and say I'm 51% Femme/49% Butch cause it is sometimes a battle raging within me. I do not put others into a box. I do not discriminate in my dating choices (other than cis males), but I have discovered that the best partner for me is someone who is fluid (and confident) in their sexuality as well. Mainly, I'm just queer. Simple (and as complicated) as that.

Sorry. I guess I wrote all that because of the way the OP worded their first post. I tried to cover when (and how) I discovered who i am...

[Tcountry]

Originally Posted by softness

I know this is going to sound strange but in my evolution, I now feel heterosexual. But in a lesbian way. I date masculinized people. Male Id'd butches. FtMs. CIS men. When I am in a relationship, I live a relationship patterned after traditional 50s type heterosexual norms. Clearly defined male female roles. I see myself as a lesbian who lives a heterosexual lifestyle but then I date people who ID as men or at least id with male energy. So how does that fit?

YESS!! only opposite...I Want a 50's housewife...*grin*

[T D]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

Growing up I hated dresses, I loved GI Joe, I played in the dirt, played with fire, & played football and baseball in the street. I first noticed that I had an interest in my best friend in the 7th grade, but I couldn't do anything about it, I changed school districts. Throughout junior high I had only one boyfriend and during high school, no boyfriends, but I was interested in one young man. While in the Army I married a man I later found out to be abusive; I had one son with this man.

For five years I was a single parent. I tried to date but I just never found what I was looking for. I thought that I had found another companion and I've been married now for 12 years but I've come to realize that what I am missing in my life is the love and affection of another woman. I've had regular dreams and even erotic dreams about women long before I admitted to myself that I was lesbian. Now some may think that I am bi, that is NOT the case. It absolutely disgusts me to even think about being intimate with my husband, or any man for that matter! For the longest time I told my husband that "I just didn't want to, (that) I wasn't in the mood" and that would go on for up to almost a year before I would begrudgingly give in, hating it.

Well, I finally got the nerve up one night and told him that I was a lesbian and that I wouldn't hold it against him if he wanted to move on since I wasn't performing as a "normal wife" does. I was hoping he would take me up on the offer, but he did not. So now, I must save up some money for divorce because I can no longer live in this relationship, it is killing me. I've had the wonderful experience of being in love with a woman and I can tell you, it is on a level much deeper than any man can ever hope to achieve.

Except for, perhaps, a trans man

I knew I was different as early as kindergarten. I didn't know what it meant then, and I can tell ya that anything queer wasn't something people talked about in the 50's. It's been a long road. Amazingly I probably had a total of 2 dates with males my entire life (in high school). I've never had sex with one, came out actively as a lesbian around 1970, and have really viewed myself more male than female for the past 20+ years.

And as my mom put it, I'm now going to be an old short man
Which certainly has me wondering........... about a lot.

Some things are just a work in progress

[Glenn]

Lifelong Stonebutch. Here's my story: I fell in love with my gorgeous babysitter Cookie. She was an Angel. When I was 6, I was the leader of our local bois gang. Once in awhile, a hott lil grrl from a local tea party group would catch me and makeout with me Upstaires, a Butch-Femme couple befriended my parents They'd scoop this baby stonebutch up every weekend and drive me to the wilds of Michigan where the Butch owned a resort and the Femme owned a restaurant. I ate great, and the butch taught me everything from driving a motorboat to shooting They broke up when I was 15. I never dated, still hung out with the local bois, but I had several crushes on school girls. Finially, I wanted to meet one, so what better way to do it than start an all female hard rock band. Then I met her when I was 18. My first marriage. She was my drummer. That lasted only 7 years because I was away alot on business and she cheated. Well, I mourned for a couple of years, then I met the woman I was to be faithfully married to for over thirty years at a local Lesbian community center. Overall, it's been a good journey here, and it's still not over yet

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by katsarecool

I think so many of us can relate to your coming out story!! Wishing you well and lots of happiness in your journey!

Thank you so very much for your encouraging words, katsarecool!

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by Tommi

Starbuck

Thanks for your post Starbuck.Sounds like this time you found someone that wasn' abusive, so, that has been safer for you, even though you are left unfulfilled. Maybe he will meet someone and move on, or, you could just move on. I am not a good one for love lorn advice. I screw up wet dreams. Best wishes, and I'm glad you found the Planet.

Tommi,

Thanks so much for your kind words. It is my true wish that he could find someone to move on to, that way he wouldn't feel so "left out". But either way, I am in the process of moving on like I said in my original post, I am miserable in my current living situation.

[SimpleAlaskanBoy]

Fell in love with my Senior best friend when I was 14 & a freshman. Of course, she was straight, but at the time that didn't matter. Dated a coupla guys before that, but it didn't go very far.
"Came out" to my parents at 18 as bi.Didn't really see myself that way, but I thought it would be easier on my mom to take.
Spent the next few years trying to figure out where I fit in. Was I butch, femme, andro? I tried a lot of id's but none of them fit right. Then I found out about transmen. I read a lot. Struggled a lot. Realized that, even though I didn't know ever since I was a kid (I have a chronic health problem I was born with and was in and out of the hospital a lot) and enjoyed Barbies and Hot Wheels, I was a guy. It sure would explain the fact that I was uncomfortable with my body after it hit puberty the first time!
Came out to my mom again at 23, while she was in another city/state tending to my younger brother who just had major surgery ( I sure have great timing!) Started to realize a renewed interest in men. Struggled.
Started T about 3-4 years ago. Like the changes it's made to my body, totally prefer "Sir" over "Ma'am" in public but still hate the shot.
Slept with a guy, realized I liked it and that was okay...that it probably had to do with the fact I was comfortable in my own skin for the first time in many years...it also helped it wasn't a creepy older man who are what I seemed to attract my first puberty around.
Id as bisexual now, although it's not exactly something I want to share with my mom. Prefer relationships with women and something a little less than that with men when I am single.
Complicated but then my mom has always said I take the hard road, on everything!

~SAB

[asphaltcowboi]

ahh my family told me when i was very young that i was diffrent. so i grew up being who ever i wanted to be .. be it GIJO or roy rodgers i lived as i felt and it was ok then in my teens i stressed about coming out to my family cause i never new what any of the words (gay,lez,fag)ment. lol so when i did it wasnt news to them other then my older bro saying you just now realizing this?.. stressed for no reason!

[cuddlyfemme]

I pretty much knew I was gay when I was in high school but in my Senior year of hs, I fell in love with a good friend who was also gay. I didn't know. I also knew I was a Femme when I was really girly and didn't fit into the "lesbian" catagory and the friend that I fell in love with explained it to me. Coming out to my family was hard and for a long time my mom wouldn't have anything to do with me, my brother, dad and sister had a hard time with it but came around much sooner. How I realized I was Stone is a whole different story