Infidelity

[Apocalipstic]

Oh......

And,

If someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you later?

DUH.

[Random]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

Oh......

And,

If someone cheats on their partner with you, what makes you think they won't cheat on you later?

DUH.

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

[Linus]

Originally Posted by Random

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

Agreed. I did have a partner who cheated on me and one who was already moving on before we broken up. That said, I believe that they are faithful to the partners they are with now and are happier. I had tried to resolve things with a partner who had cheated on me but I've found once it's done, it's hard to trust again. It is certainly my own issue (I'll admit to lingering trust and abandonment issues) but it's an issue nonetheless.

I find it frustrating in that if the person had spoken to me about whatever had caused them to stray we could have either resolved together to separate amicably or entered into a poly relationship (if all parties were inclined and opened for that).

Today, if it is happens, the existing relationship will be over and I'll be moving on. Given my previous experience and knowing myself I know it'll be better in the long run.

[Apocalipstic]

Originally Posted by Random

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

In My experience when I have dated someone who cheated to be with Me, eventually they cheated on Me.

I agree, if you are over your relationship, grow a set and break up respectfully.

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by Random

I don't think this is always the case..

If someone is a serial cheater, then that is one thing... But I think at times, people just don't know how to remove themselves from relationships.. You know the entire.. *I don't want to hurt her* but the silly thing is.. It's going to hurt either way... In my mind.. do it quickly, do it bluntly, do it clean...

My cheater told me this (see in red). What he REALLY meant, was he didnt want to hurt himself. He didnt want to go thru the parade of emotions that HIS behavior was going to cause me. He knew I would be hurt and did it anyway (cheated) so MY being hurt wasnt the real issue. What was the real issue was he wanted not to feel the consequences of his deliberate, conscious act of infidelity. Again, being unfaithful is an act of a coward.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

I guess one never really knows what they'll do until they find themselves in an unfortunate and un-negotiated position.

Originally Posted by Kobi

With the Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock ( who in their right mind would cheat on Sandra Bullock????) issues of late. I am wondering what people think of fidelity in relationships these days. Is it an outdated concept?
How do you think you would react if you found out your partner was cheating?

Personally, I still think monogamy is my relationship mode of choice because I like things simple and predictable. And I suspect if I found out my partner was cheating on me, I would be throwing their belongings out a second story window - its the Italian in me.

Tiger Woods, Jesse James, all celebrities, filled with greed and privilege to top it off they never hear the word..

No...

You want new clothes sure, new car sure, new hot wife sure, hot lil piece to tap on the side sure..

Greed is what drives these people..

Now as for the rest of us who don't have things thrown at us and the cameras in our face.. I think to cheat is pretty sorry.. There is no reason to to cheat.. *MY* opinion is if you are not happy with something that is going on then *talk* it over.. Open your relationship up to polyamory, start doing things apart, talk more, laugh more, etc etc.. Sometimes the person you are with is not going to *FILL* all your needs and wants...

Now if it is over, no feeling left nada, you just wanna punch a baby when you see em?

Why stay? Get out, no reason to cheat once you are feeling that shitty about the person who gave you tons of these it's time to move on away...

Rook I believe it was mentioned that monogamy lead to successful truthful love? Pish posh.. I have myself seen it lead to the most deceiving, manipulative kinda love

Yucko...

I dunno about monogamy being all simple and predictable, *I* tend to keep my surroundings (if you are liked if not I am like whatever) hoppin a lil....

[Random]

Originally Posted by Linus

Agreed. I did have a partner who cheated on me and one who was already moving on before we broken up. That said, I believe that they are faithful to the partners they are with now and are happier. I had tried to resolve things with a partner who had cheated on me but I've found once it's done, it's hard to trust again. It is certainly my own issue (I'll admit to lingering trust and abandonment issues) but it's an issue nonetheless.

I find it frustrating in that if the person had spoken to me about whatever had caused them to stray we could have either resolved together to separate amicably or entered into a poly relationship (if all parties were inclined and opened for that).

Today, if it is happens, the existing relationship will be over and I'll be moving on. Given my previous experience and knowing myself I know it'll be better in the long run.

Nods.. I know that to my ex, our relationship had ended and she moved on.. lol.. she just forgot to tell me about it.. She did what was best for her.. Just went about it in a not so great way... As far as I know.. Her and her wife are happy as a lark..

For me... If my partner was having an affair, then the relationship would be ended... Because it would mean she chose to put someone else ahead of our relationship (which I view as a living thing on it's own) It would mean that she threw away all the hard work, tears, freaking eons of talking.. It would mean that her priorities had shifted and someone else was more important than the base *US*...

For me.. Being Poly isn't easy.. It doesn't mean that you just do anything you want and your partner is fine with it... It's a lot of hard work and talking, and talking, and defining, and redefining what your relationship is.. It's also talking about what happens if your partner falls in love with someone that you don't like, don't respect, someone who doesn't want to put the work into being more than a paired couple..

If she fell for someone who didn't want to be part of *US*, Someone that I just couldn't stand..And we had talked about it until we were blue in the face.. and kept seeing that person without me knowing it... ummmm.. ya.. no.. That would be a very bad thing and it would cost her me.. Vis versa...

I won't be lied to on that level.. there is not need.. You have to make hard choices sometimes.. What do you want more?

[Random]

Originally Posted by softness

My cheater told me this (see in red). What he REALLY meant, was he didnt want to hurt himself. He didnt want to go thru the parade of emotions that HIS behavior was going to cause me. He knew I would be hurt and did it anyway (cheated) so MY being hurt wasnt the real issue. What was the real issue was he wanted not to feel the consequences of his deliberate, conscious act of infidelity. Again, being unfaithful is an act of a coward.

Exactly.. Did not want the consequence that came from breaking up with someone.. Don't want to face the pain and the hurt that his actions caused..

Which in my mind.. (now that I am grown a bit) is silly.. cause unless you just disapper of the face of the earth.. It's going to happen..

[Random]

Originally Posted by apocalipstic

In My experience when I have dated someone who cheated to be with Me, eventually they cheated on Me.

I agree, if you are over your relationship, grow a set and break up respectfully.

I see a pattern with the people you were dating..

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by Random

Exactly.. Did not want the consequence that came from breaking up with someone.. Don't want to face the pain and the hurt that his actions caused..

Which in my mind.. (now that I am grown a bit) is silly.. cause unless you just disapper of the face of the earth.. It's going to happen..

cheaters work on the principal of denial. They think, in their little heads, that if they cover up their steps no one will find out. They think, if someone finds out, they can talk them into believing some other scenario just because they said it wasnt so. They think that if they can get the other person to doubt their own senses and brain power, that they can get away with it and continue. They think that if they get away with it, they hurt no one and they get to have what they want.

They think wrong. All it does is back it all up until it explodes like cabbage night and exlax.

but then, they think that your explosion is indicative of why it wasnt working so they think that they had every right to cheat. ...

[Random]

Originally Posted by softness

cheaters work on the principal of denial. They think, in their little heads, that if they cover up their steps no one will find out. They think, if someone finds out, they can talk them into believing some other scenario just because they said it wasnt so. They think that if they can get the other person to doubt their own senses and brain power, that they can get away with it and continue. They think that if they get away with it, they hurt no one and they get to have what they want.

They think wrong. All it does is back it all up until it explodes like cabbage night and exlax.

but then, they think that your explosion is indicative of why it wasnt working so they think that they had every right to cheat. ...

Not all Ms. Softness.. Not all..

I try really hard never to say.. ALL people who do this are the same..

[Soft*Silver]

Originally Posted by Random

Not all Ms. Softness.. Not all..

I try really hard never to say.. ALL people who do this are the same..

nodding...good point. Let us just say I refer to the generic "they think" and that no everyone fits in that category...(thank you)

[Julie]

I have never cheated on a partner, nor have I been cheated on by a partner, at least not that I am aware of. And for me, cheating can mean crossing the lines of intimacy both emotionally and physically.

I also feel the person who crosses lines with another person in a relationship is just as guilty as the person in a relationship who is cheating. What person would ever disrespect the relationship of another? I have been approached by people who are in relationships and if I participated, I would feel equally as wrong.

It comes down to this for me... There is a third person involved and how this could hurt and devastate this third person. I want no part of it on any level.

[SuperFemme]

The male reporter on Showbiz Tonight (CNN) was commenting about the "TWE" (Tiger Woods Effect) happening to Sandra Bullock. Meaning that more women are coming out of the woodwork to say the had couch time with Jesse James. Male Reporter said they all had txt's and email's to prove it.

THEN he said....(wait for it)..."It's a tough time to be a guy"!

Seriously? I think it's a tough time to be a moron, but that is not exclusive to males and puts the cheater in the victim stance rather than the other way around.

Of course, immediately following the segment a Viagra commercial came on.

So to answer the OP: No, I don't think fidelity has gone out of style. The world wouldn't be so hungry for the dirty deets if it had.

Not getting caught may be going out of style due to technology. But let's face it, we all know in our guts when something is off. Denial of that is usually what leads to a person being slapped upside the head with the info.

[I'mOneToo]

I've had lovers who put on a "poly" hat when it was convenient; to me a poly arrangement is negotiated and consensual and discussed before or during the relationship, not just a handy excuse to whip out when you've been caught with your hand in the cookie jar. I've had lovers who cheated and then tried to convince me that what I saw wasn't what I actually saw -- shame on ME for being fooled into believing their lies. I've had lovers who, after breaking up, they ended up with someone else in less than a week and called them their "one and only"; it did little to convince me that it wasn't going on behind my back before the breakup occurred (I only hoped the new "one" hadn't also been fooled, but that wasn't my karma to bear). I've had lovers who cheated in ways large and small but without the actual sexual activity that would typify "true cheating" but they were still forms of infidelity. It's a loss of faith in the heart. It undermines the relationship and kills it slowly instead of by sudden cardiac arrest. Someone already said it -- "What she'll do WITH you, she'll do TO you" and it comes back to bite them eventually, but for my own sake and like Softness, I don't pray for karma. I pray for healing for myself and for them. And like Gemme said, it does real long-term damage to people. And like Apocalipstic said, whether it's the cheater or the one they're cheating with, they're both culpable and both are sewn of the same cloth, IMO. It's just as likely to happen in their brand spankin' new "true love."

What I've found to be sadly true is that when someone lives for the thrill of craving constant attention and adoration, they don't care who they hurt while they chase after that. They have a bottomless pit of need. Their hearts go from 60 to zero in nothing flat, instead of the other way around -- which is the opposite of how true love develops. Deliberateness of ill intent is a love-killer, not the ending of an honest effort where people failed to meet in the middle. We all make mistakes, and things don't always work out. But if someone tries to destroy my life, who can allow that? Me. So I've developed a zero tolerance for staying involved with a cheater, it just doesn't work for me. Might work for others, c'est la vie. I do prefer monogamy because I'm just too old to keep up with poly

I'll take a shot in the dark and say that every one of those cheaters called ME "psycho" after we were done. Why? Because I didn't fall for their bullshit? When I called them on it, they were afraid I might ruin their game somehow. It's not up to me to reduce the victim pool, though. Their best defense was a good offense. But I don't need to behave that way. Though I do have to say, I was uncomfortable sitting around taking it in the shorts non-consensually by people who were supposed to be out of my life, but all I could do was maintain my own composure -- and keep a pair of tight boxers on.

The funny thing is, I have a low ratio of lovers to years on this earth -- haven't I learned anything yet about recognizing a boundariless person? That's my issue today, if I knew how to start a thread it's on my mind. Sorry to be so long-winded, my mind doesn't know how to build sentences any more that aren't at least 40 words apiece.

[SuperFemme]

In some states, you can sue the "other party".

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Business/w...ry?id=10177637

[The_Lady_Snow]

*I* think it to be cowardly and down right shitty to say they are poly just so they can continue what was started under cloak and dagger.

There are no smoke and mirrors in poly, all parties involved know, no one is being cheated of anything and it's all very transparent. Well at least good, open, communicative poly is.

[I'mOneToo]

hmm has there ever been a case of same-sex decisions that are similar?

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

In some states, you can sue the "other party".

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Business/w...ry?id=10177637

[I'mOneToo]

I agree, it's a lifestyle that requires a lot of negotiation and discussion.

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

*I* think it to be cowardly and down right shitty to say they are poly just so they can continue what was started under cloak and dagger.

There are no smoke and mirrors in poly, all parties involved know, no one is being cheated of anything and it's all very transparent. Well at least good, open, communicative poly is.

[Apocalipstic]

I have seen people pull out the Poly card...after they cheat too. This needs to be negotiated before the fact or it's plan o'le cheating.


What about people who always line us a new host (OOps, I mean partner) before they break up with their correct partner. Not very honorable or healthy in my book.

If you know you can't just be with one person, that is OK...but don't pretend you can be. Be honorable and honest with your partners. Choose to be Poly. or have an open relationship with a like minded person/s. It's a great thing to know yourself and be honest about who you are. Bravo to people who are brave enough to be ethical in these matters!!!!! I agree with Snow on this. There really is no excuse for cheating.

Also, I have seen where one person wants to be poly, but is too jealous for their partner to be. I call Bullshit on this. Bs bsbsbsbsbsbsbsbsbssbsbsbsbsbsbs

Be honorable. Be ethical. Treat others as you would like your sister or mother to be treated, if you don't care enough about yourself to treat others as you would like to be treated.