How Do You Self-Identify...and why.

[betenoire]

But first, a rule. I like those. I am really not interested in how you don't identify and why not.

Considering that there are a lot of words that mean basically the same thing, I'm pretty curious this week about why people have chosen the specific word that they've chosen.

for example: Lesbian, Gay Woman, and Dyke at the end of the day have pretty nearly the same definition - but different people tend to gravitate toward one particular word. I know "in real life" I have a lot of friends who are Dykes, but I only know very few Lesbians and to my knowledge I don't hang out with any Gay Women. Is that generational? Is it sub-culture related? What gives? Ditto with Pansexual and Bisexual. What makes people choose one over the other?

I'll go first: I choose Queer. I choose Queer because it means both absolutely nothing and potentially everything/anything. For me picking Queer means I am making a statement that I wish to align myself with the rest of you.

Am I allowed to make a poll or do I have to wait until I remember to send a money order to Medusa?

[macele]

our identities are a set. so by you going with queer, right on.

i'm butch. i'm a woman. i'm a coach. i care about other's feelings. but i'm also femme at times. i'm lazy. i cuss up a storm. i laugh like crazy.

so i won't put myself in a cubby hole and say i am just one identity when i'm also others. we all are. i may like to think that i am butch all the time, but i'm not lol.

i could very well just identify as a laugher. it would be true!

[Ciaran]

I identify as metrosexual genderqueer. Why? Because it just feels right for me.

[AtLast]

Woman lesbian (which to me is not redundant and a critical pairing of terms) is what seems to be most accurate for me at this juncture. However, I am burned-out on "identity" within the range of butch to be honest. I am focused on character as a human being and this is what I have the deepest connection with within the butch-femme paradigm. And this is at the root of my participation here, this dynamic or narrative is the nucleus for me.

Of course I find elements of gender theory to be important and how my female masculinity enhances my life- and it does. The inter-play (and actually freedom) I experience as a woman with some masculine traits, as it were, is a good fit for me and always has been. Even with some of the ugliness I (and all of us) have encountered by not fitting socially accepted norms of gender.

What I want most for people within this community is to feel this same sense of peace no matter their identity across our entire queer spectrum. I know some have had (or will) to make very complex and life-long changes in order to be who they are and I want them to live life as they truly are.

[Random]

I ID as Queer Femme Dyke in the community and A Gay Woman in everyday life...

Gay because I came up in the boys clubs... I imprinted on the word Gay (Gay to me is a sexual marker... gay men/gay women)

Woman is my gender...(I know that female is the correct gender, but it feels weird calling myself female)

Queer means I am other... I queer the norm... It doesn't say what makes me other, just that I am...

Femme is my soul... It's a special creation of my own uniqueness...

Dyke is the bit of a rebel left in me...

I like labels... I don't think they put me in a box... I just like to think of them more as warning labels....

Grin...

[T4Texas]

I identify as an old school butch. old school meaning, the way things used to be. When people ask me, I tell them I am an old school butch with updated ideas, meaning a butch like you might have found twenty or fifty years ago before the advent of labels, who has attempted to keep up with the times while not losing identity. Sexuality, gender, etc, has over the years splintered into a million pieces with so many identifications its hard to keep up. Even though I cling to my past, I admire the people who have thought out who they are and what they really feel no matter what category that ultimately puts them in. By the same token, I do stick with my past and the strong feelings I have about being butch and what that means to me. For me personally, it means taking on a dominant role, being a leader and also being one who nurtures. When I came out, being butch was a given to me, it was who I was and there would be no compromise to it ever. That feeling has never changed. The only additions to it over the years have been a sense of being a daddy though I rarely ID that way and a particular sadistic streak which only in the last several years have I come to terms with as part of the kink side I embrace.
I have always felt that people today sometimes have a hard time finding who they are, in part because there are so many decisions now, in part because of our individuality. It makes it hard on the younger people to find their place and I feel for them in that regard. My life was simple coming out because you were pretty much either butch, femme or bi.
Trans was around then, but considered more of a curiosity I think rather than an identification. It amazes me in the last 30 years how much all of this has changed and how very different we all are, evolving from the simplicity of butch/femme to the complexities we have reached. I am comfortable in my skin, extremely confident about who I am, and I wonder sometimes how many people can really say that.
With that said, I have to say I support people in whatever ID they choose as we all have to make our way in life no matter how easy or complex it becomes. Your individuality is something you must never give away or let someone take from you. I have had people say to me in recent times that being butch or femme is now a relic of the past given the scores of new IDs that people have. I will have to disagree with that statement. We are what everything new has evolved from and I certainly don't feel like a relic or outdated by any means. I also find there are a lot of women out there who are wanting that type of old school relationship even among the younger crowd. In order to find your future, you must also embrace your past. We are the ones who were at Stonewall. We are the ones who were in the dirty bars that got raided by the police, We are the ones who were unable to 'pass' and were victimized because of it. The gay men, butches and drag queens opened the doors for all of you in one way or another. We are still here and a viable part of the community. Never count the old school out.

[LeftWriteFemme]

The first thing I am before anything else is a girl. I think this makes me 'other' in a way that is not as hard to explain, as it seems hard for people to understand or accept, this is not an age play or a little/big kind of thing either, that's not what I mean; I am a girl not a woman in the same way that a zebra is not a horse.

That said, I am gay also queer and a lesbian, femme is apparent, but it is on the list.

[girl_dee]

it depends on my mood, but overall i am femme. i am attracted to butch women.

Other ID's i claim are queer, gay and dyke!

[*Anya*]

Interesting question and thread.

I never gave much thought to identity before landing on the planet.

Growing up, my female/girl identity was totally gender-congruent for me. My mom sewed me frilly dresses and set my hair in rags at night. The rags would make my hair come out in these long curls that I thought (and pictures still show), looked beautiful to me. It just seemed normal to me that putting my hair in rags that hurt, was what girls did to have Shirley Temple curls.

I loved dolls, tea parties and did not like getting dirty ( still really don't). I wanted to be a nurse from the time I was a little girl. My life was plotted out for me. I would get married and have children.

The only time I felt a twinge of disconnect was when I saw my first butch at 16. I felt someting I had never felt before inside. A hunger really but my friends hurried me away and I ignored that pull.

I am at one with my identity, my femaleness and being a woman. I am femme. It is who I am. I feel gender-congruent with my sex. I am greatly attracted to women with masculine traits & sense of self. It is the ying to my yang. It is the "otherness" to me.

I have gained a new understanding for those whose identity is not congruent with their gender. I can't imagine how painful it must be but have learned much about the struggle many experience daily while coming to terms with this for themselves since I have been on the planet. I also now totally "get" why many lesbians have transitioned. This was very hard for me to come to terms with when I first arrived here.

As ALH stated, yes, of course, character is important and critical. Perhaps even more so, is that we are able to feel as one with our bodies, our gender, our self-perception, self-identity and our view of the world and how others perceive us. It all has to "fit" for us to be our very best selves.

I might have digressed but woke up too early and got philosophical. This is how I see it this early AM on Sunday.

[iamkeri1]

These days I mostly identify myself to others as queer. For most of my life I have partnered with FTM individuals. I never FELT straight, though others saw/see me as such. Inside I think of myself as a lesbian, but I don't have the time or patience for the discussion over "how can you be a lesbian when your partner is male?" Callling myself queer, or gender queer shortens the discussion. Besides I think it is a very powerful word and I like reclaiming it from the folks who have used it to berate us and whip us into shape for centuries.

Yah - I'm queer!

Smooches,
Keri

[AlphaDrug]

Originally Posted by iamkeri1

These days I mostly identify myself to others as queer. For most of my life I have partnered with FTM individuals. I never FELT straight, though others saw/see me as such. Inside I think of myself as a lesbian, but I don't have the time or patience for the discussion over "how can you be a lesbian when your partner is male?" Callling myself queer, or gender queer shortens the discussion. Besides I think it is a very powerful word and I like reclaiming it from the folks who have used it to berate us and whip us into shape for centuries.

Yah - I'm queer!

Smooches,
Keri

That's exactly what I'm looking for too... switching to Queer in 1... 2... 3! <3

[SelfMadeMan]

I am...

A transexual man

A husband

A lover

A Bonus Dad

A Student

A Queer

An Activist

A Feminist

A Brother

A Harley enthusiast

A Tattoo Freak

A Planeteer

[JAGG]

For me, I've learned the best way to reply to this question is, I'm just me. Because when you say Satan it seems to really scare people.

[adorable]

I too am tired of this “I identify as________.” Yet, without it, I am unable to find the missing piece to the puzzle. I am a human being. Almost all of us in here are. However, I don’t want to spend my days and nights with just any human being. Otherwise, I could have stayed with the human beings I was previously with and just been happy they were human.

Some of us are tired of being a disappointment to people. To be loved and accepted is a very human need. It hurts when someone that you love looks at you and wishes you were someone or something else. The question of who I am is an important one to me. I prefer to partner with like minded others. Love is a verb. If I can’t love someone the way they need me to or they can’t love me the way that I need – how can it work? There must be a starting point. The older I get the less tolerance I have for experiments.


The core of who I am is just that, my core. My ID is very much a part of that core. When I look back I can say that my ID hasn’t really changed, it was my vocabulary and ability to explain it that did. As human beings we tend to see others in our reflection. On the whole, we tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, allowing ourselves to remain in the blissful ignorance of thinking that everyone is basically like us. It keeps the murder rate down. The downside to that is that we can easily erase who other people are by seeing them as we are. The worst case scenario is that you end up in a relationship with someone, who one day turns to you, and says, “You would be perfect if…”

That communication of basics, that ability to say “I identify as ______” makes it more likely to fill the empty box marked “potential love match.” How anyone in the “friend” box IDs doesn’t matter to me. I want to look at someone who gives me butterflies and to say “I am ______and actually be able to fill in that the blank for them and then say to them “And who are you?” If they answer me like Popeye and say “I am what I am, take it or leave it” – well, today I’m smart enough to leave it. Sometimes that answer is the result of not knowing, other times it’s an unwillingness to be honest – either way, for me, it’s a set up that leads to disaster.

This thread (and others like it) are an important (I think) for so many reasons. There is hope here for the people who are looking for their missing piece and can answer the question of who they are and how they ID. Hope is important. I think meaningful love is important too. Without these answers, we are all just pictures in other people’s imaginations with put upon expectations of who they think we are or who they want us to be in relation to themselves. Until the questions are answered, who we actually are remains a mystery. While there is beauty and excitement to be found in mystery, there can be equal heartache and despair. It’s a unique pain that comes from falling in love with everything about a person before you know their ID or what it means to them. Talking fast about everything you have in common and thinking they are so wonderfulandjustsoperfectandhowdidIeverlivewithout youandomgmetoo!!

Only to find out, that, while it is entirely possible, because you are both human, to physically have a sexual relationship, they need things that you simply don’t want to do and worse, if you do them it changes how you feel. The relational dynamic falls flat. It’s not about acceptance or lack of acceptance. It’s more like a religion that you practice, one that’s important to you. Some relationships can work around it, but for most people they wouldn’t even bother to start with upfront knowledge. To continue with that relationship generally leads to a sense of longing, and to a worse loneliness than actually being alone. Ultimately, it leads to either being a disappointment or to being disappointed.

There are questions to be answered when getting to know someone. (Lots of them.) The ID, IMO, is a starting point and from that place we can begin to see where and if we fit together. Going backwards from everything else about a person to their ID is dangerous. (For me anyway.)

I wish more people would say “I identify as______” and this is what that means to me ______. Followed by, what I am looking for is someone who is_________________. (And actually be honest about it – don’t just say what you think someone wants to hear out of some twisted insecurity.) Most of us spend more time putting our grocery lists together for the week then we do on finding a real connection. It can be tough to navigate especially in forums because to say you don’t like something that someone else does (or if you use the wrong word when trying to explain it all) can require a PhD in verbal kickboxing that few of us have. The exhaustion of having to explain why we are who we are or why we feel like we do or why we like what we like is difficult enough one on one, much less in a virtual room full of people who only know their own paths to here.

[Heart]

woman trapped in a woman's body....

Happy New Year Planet!

[Jett]

[Hack]

I am a work in progress. I am very, very queer. I am a butch. I am stone. I am male-identified and live my life as such. I will try to tell you I am just a simple guy, but I appreciate women who get that I am complex and like that I am.

[Massive]

I'm a masculine identified Butch, an out and proud Dyke, who is also a Brother to many, a Daddy to the right one, a Mentor and a Friend.
I also consider myself to be GenderQueer, because I mostly pass as a man in public, I'm more shocked when I get called "Miss", when I get called Sir I don't even blink any more, I've been called Sir now since my late teens.
Part of my ID also stems from my nationality, I'm British, but I'm from the North of England, and it's an integral part of who I am. Being from here is my history, it's my blood, my roots stem from here...
I'm proud of being Queer, just as I'm proud of being a Northerner!
I ID all these ways, because just one label isn't enough, if they're even labels really, I don't think "okay, today I'm going to be Butch, etc" I'm this way even in my sleep, I can't be anything else but who I am. I happen to love myself for being the way I am. In the future my ID may change again, as it has been my entire life, because as far as I'm concerned gender identification is fluid, we grow and learn and see things differently the more we experience, it's self-defeating to get stuck and not move with the path we're led on in life.

[DanieClarke]

single celibate and happy

[~ocean]

femme ~ I was born this way.