Caregivers and Stress

[GeorgiaMa'am]

Originally Posted by Chad

I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.

I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy!

Congratulations to your mom on turning 86! I hope she likes the idea of moving in with you. Hopefully the kind of trouble she has living alone is the kind that is easily avoided with two people in the house.

This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite?

[Chad]

Originally Posted by Chad

I have decided to move mom into my house this year. I hope that it will inspire me to build her cottage on my land sooner than later. My mom turned 86 years old yesterday and is having trouble living alone. I am concerned because I don't like living with other humans but it might inspire me to build that cottage.

I am grilling steaks tonight to celebrate mom's birthday. Yummy!

Update, the steaks and ribs were yummy and mom was happy about her birthday gifts.

She came out of the surgery well just super loopy. I ordered her to stay in bed. It was a long day driving accross Texas and sitting in the hospital but it will be worth it if mom gets some pain relief.

The doc laughed at my joke about the general anaesthesia being disco drugs. Haha!

[Chad]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaMa'am

Congratulations to your mom on turning 86! I hope she likes the idea of moving in with you. Hopefully the kind of trouble she has living alone is the kind that is easily avoided with two people in the house.

This cottage idea sounds very cool. Can I ask, what made you decide to go that way rather than, say, a mother-in-law type suite?

Thank you ma'am. It was always our plan for her to have a cottage on my land. I built my home new and waited for mom to make the move before I built the cottage. We both need our space but having her at my ranch makes things more convenient.

[girl_dee]

i saw my mom yesterday

it was emotional

she looked better physically thank i expected (she has an odd color but i think its okay)

she is worse emotionally thank i expected

going to run errands for her today and see if i can get her out of her place

[girl_dee]

mom

My mom is back to my old mom. The rather ungrateful and demanding mom. i left in tears yesterday.

Not a fan of ungrateful, demanding mom. She is not as helpless as she wants me to believe. She’s enjoying her status a bit too much.

She’s basically resigned herself to her recliner. She could do so much more, and is fighting for her life, but what little quality of life she could have,
she doesn’t want it. i just don’t understand.

Will try again today. i leave tomorrow, so i pray its a better day.

[girl_dee]

it’s taken me a few days to even try to put an update into words.

When i got to NOLA my mom was still in her PJs late afternoon, not eating (she says she can’t eat and try to breathe at the same time), glued to her recliner and clinging on to the oxygen for dear life. She would not even open a window out of fear of breathing any pollen.

The *Hospice* label put her in a tailspin.

Even with all the grumbling, complaining and saying *i can’t * for even the simplest thing, i got her to go out and get her hair cleaned up. Her hair is an obsession. She was convinced she could not leave her apartment even for a haircut as the portable oxygen would run out. She is not dependent on oxygen but she was convinced she was. She said she nearly didn’t make getting a shower with the nurse as she was without her oxygen for five minutes. Of course none of this is true, but to her it is. i think what frustrates me is that she likes being afraid of everything, its her safe place.

She agreed to go *try* getting a hair cut. She says she could not walk to elevator, so i pushed her in her walker to the car. (While carrying oxygen tank and her things) . The whole time she complained that she was cold and wanted to kill me for making her go out and why am i doing this to her. She says i can’t drive her walker and i am going to smash her into a wall. My heart sunk but i kept moving her.. Got her to the salon and she refused to use her oxygen and walker. i was shocked, but realized her vanity is why she won’t use these things out in the world. So she lived through a hair cut without oxygen. Then she wanted breakfast. So i got her breakfast to last a few days. Her spirit lifted. i was very happy for her.

Then when we got back to her place, she again said she was going to kill me for dragging her out in the cold, but once in her place, she didn’t use the oxygen and even got on her scooter to go visit friends. She was like a new person. She told everyone who came in that i am leaving her.

She has a *friend* that she pays to do every little thing for her. This woman is very dominating and my mom likes being helpless. They feed off each other. She informed me that my mom is pretty much completely helpless. i asked my mom why she wants to be treated like a baby. There was tension.

She’s still doing okay, and i know there will be another episode but for now, she is holding her own. There will be good and bad days, until this is over. The bad days weigh on me as i know she suffers.

i left her in much better shape than when i arrived in only 3 days. It kills me that i cannot help her more, but for my own sanity, i have to keep the physical distance.

i’ll continue to contact her each morning and listen to her as much as i can. It’s the only way i can be emotionally close in any way.

[Chad]

This weekend I drove mom to Houston to celebrate her friend's 100th birthday. I must have driven 1000 miles all weekend from picking mom up Friday to taking her home today.

The party was sweet. Mom's friend and family remembered me from about 1975. They hugged me and kissed my cheek. It was a great visit and my heart is warm.

There is nothing like a southern party.

[socialjustice_fsu]

I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one.


What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀.
My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise.
Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by socialjustice_fsu

I have not been on this site for a long time. I had been caring for my mother. She died this past Wednesday. This is what I write that day. I have discovered in the last few days that grief certainly comes in unexpected waves. It’s been a long journey but a very good one.


What a gorgeous day it was today. The birds woke me up early and when I filled their feeders they seemed to chirp some rendition of “Ode To Joy.” The wind was strong - pushing through - as if to say it is time to let the seasons change. It’s all a cycle. A spiral 🌀.
My beloved mother entered a new and glorious season earlier tonight. She stepped out of her worldly vessel and has arrived at the shore of paradise.
Her body died at 6:20 pm with no pain, no suffering. Her spirit and her soul are in the galaxies tonight. She has seen the face of God and she rests tonight in his easy embrace.

(((((((((((((((( SJF ))))))))))))))))))

i am so sorry about your mom

i hope you find comfort in the words you shared.

i am very happy to see you

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I had a pretty good visit with my mom this weekend. She was a little "foggy", unable to come up with the words she wanted and such, but we managed to have some good conversation nonetheless. She cooked for both of us, and I have learned to just leave her alone when she decides to cook. She can only concentrate on one thing at a time, but she did manage to make a casserole, carefully following a recipe. She did have to refer to it over and over again, but sometimes she is not able to do even this, and she gets upset and frustrated.

On the way home from her house, I stopped at my sister's. She had two useful things to share:
1) When she goes to our mom's, she shows up with food. This prevents Mom (mostly) from insisting on cooking.
2) Most importantly, my sister shared the results of my mom's most recent visit to the doctor. The doctor gave her some preliminary mental tests, and said that Mom is showing normal signs of aging and dementia. She is not showing signs of Alzheimer's, thank the Goddess. Her mother, and all of her mother's siblings (10 in all) had Alzheimer's, and she has been certain she would get it.

All in all, I am pretty relieved after this weekend visit.

[Chad]

Mom had a scary event after Easter dinner. Her heart monitor recorded that her heart stopped for 15 seconds. That is a long time. After tests and doctor visits she was cleared to go home.

I took that opportunity to ask my cousin for help. I need backup and my cousin is an RN. I feel better knowing that I am not all alone caring for mom.

[GeorgiaMa'am]

I saw my mom this weekend. We had a good visit, although my bitchy aunt was there too. I honestly believe that Bitchy Aunt tries to be nice and friendly, but really, she dusts up trouble, and says things that hurt people's feelings. Bitchy Aunt spent most of the time she was there in one of the bedrooms reading a book. (She needed to "lie down". Why visit someone if you're going to lie in their guest bed and read a book?)

Anyway, other than that, my mom and I had some good conversations. I was very happy that she seemed more upbeat than usual. We didn't have any of the all-too-often talk about going to live in a nursing home. Instead, although she did mention it was frustrating to her to not be able to think of words and try new tasks, she said that "it's manageable at this time". She sounded more confident and not afraid, as she has in the past.

She also babied me a good bit because I had a tooth pulled last Thursday, and I was on soft foods all weekend. She was constantly offering to heat up soup and mashed potatoes for me. She didn't go overboard though, and it was kind of nice.

We even had a few really good laughs, at some stories I picked up last week. There has not traditionally been a lot of laughing in my family home, so it's special when it happens. All in all, things were good this weekend.

[Chad]

Well, I think we are a go on mom moving to my land. She signed the paperwork with her home buyers tonight.

There is a ton of stuff to do by the end of July. I think that it is time to round up the entire family for help.

I am a little overwhelmed but with planning and help I think we can do this.

[~ocean]

Originally Posted by Chad

Well, I think we are a go on mom moving to my land. She signed the paperwork with her home buyers tonight.

There is a ton of stuff to do by the end of July. I think that it is time to round up the entire family for help.

I am a little overwhelmed but with planning and help I think we can do this.

(((( chad )))) I think anyone who wants to take the responsibility of taking care of their parent(s) are remarkable ! It's not easy, but it sure has it's moments that memory's are made from ~ God Bless all of you ~

[Martina]

It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Originally Posted by Martina

It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.

Yes

[Chad]

A slight change of plans. I am adding an addition onto my house instead of a cabin. Mom gets her own wing, haha. I believe that it will be better in the long run for us to be under the same roof.

[JDeere]

I will be joining the ranks of caregiver, with my mom, Dad is in the hospital again, he may have to have a foot amputated.

We aren't sure what is all going to happen yet but reading this thread sounds a lot like what is going to happen in the near future.

They may end up selling the house and moving away from the city for their own sanity and care, which I don't blame them one bit. I will however help as much as I can when time comes.

[girl_dee]

Originally Posted by Martina

It really is terribly hard. But I envy all of you who still have your mom's. I would love to be able to take care of my mother again.

thanks for the reminder. Because of this i just called my mom.

[JDeere]

Dad may come home tomorrow. We arent sure yet. No amputation but they opened his foot to clean out the infection.

He has no idea that he may have to be wheelchair bound for the rest of his life, i dont see him complying with doctors orders. He thinks hes just gonna get up and walk, drive to work, etc. He has no clue. They took him off his depression meds cuz it interferes with his antibiotics, hes on ALOT of medications as well, from insulin to heart pills.

Im so beyond stressed because alot of shit has happened at the house since Monday, from carpet installers cutting the net cord for internet to my mom stressing out to the point i cant handle being around her. My siblings help but have no clue as to how bad this has affected me, i bottle stuff up till i explode, im to the point i want to load up my dog and some of my stuff, to leave.

My folks dont listen to any of us 3 kids about helping and im the one cuz i live here that gets more stuff piled on me, if its not my folks way its the highway and i want off! They need to sell the house and move, sell one car, etc to where they can manage life and health care. And both of them need to be on depression and anxiety meds cuz i cant take much more.

I love them both dearly, however im in no position to financially help since my job fell through, i have my own health and mental issues plus im done not having a life because i get no help from dumb and dumber.