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Old 01-11-2014, 11:13 AM   #1
Erryl
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Default Have you lost everything? Encouragment needed

Hey ya'll. I know I"m pretty new but I need a little encouragement if you have BTDT.

Monday night at 11 ish my wife and I were watching TV, our 12 yr old little girl was in bed. We smelled something nasty, the wife went to look and our house was on fire. I ran for the extinguisher and she ran for the kid... everyone got out. I ran back in after a cat (Don't lecture me. I lived. Move on). When we went to bed at my mother in law's house at 4am we owned nothing just the pajamas on our backs.

We lost EVERYTHING we own. Then we got another hit, the insurance on the place was just for the remainder on the loan. I should have known. I should have checked. I should have made sure we were properly insured. So now we start from nothing to build a whole life again... The first day all we could do was cry. The second day a little less and I'm happy to report today that I haven't even cried yet.

People have been very kind and the Red Cross helped us get clothes and food. We have our basics met and the kiddo even has a few toys again. Thigs are looking better for us but I can't shake this crushed feeling.

I know that people are really interstred in photos, so they are on my my facebook

I'm looking for advice, not a lecture on my insurance mistake or running back in after an animal, I've gotten that all week so please don't. I'm trying to stay strong for my family and believe me I feel guilty enough about not having properly provided for my girls. I don't feel bad at all about saving my cat.


Have you ever been there?
How long did it take you to feel normal again?
What helped you get though?
Any advice??

Thank you! I've got a support system in place but I'm trying so hard to stay positive on there..It's hard not to make my status I"M CRUSHED! People expect me to stay strong and positive.. gawd that hard. It's like i"m not allowed to fall apart. Since you guys are strangers, it's okay if you think I'm a weak... why is that okay?...
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Old 01-11-2014, 11:51 AM   #2
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first let me say how sorry I am that the fire scared all of you including your cat ( name please?)

Remember who you are and what you stand for, never mind what others think, you have no say in that, and you might get bored anyway.

Feel like breaking down? Do it. Holding it in will cause worse health/emotional problems. Be sure your girls have space and safe space to share their struggles. And most of all YOU.

There are lots of agencies / groups that can help. Apply to all of them. Public housing might be able to provide emergency housing for you.

There are many ways to turn this into a blessing depending on who your belief /faith systems jive with.

Byron Katie, Pema Chodron, and others.

I can name several but will wait until you ask me. Am sure you are all in overwhelm right now.

My wish for you all is to become closer more loving more gentle and compassionate for each other and others. Feel free to contact me by pm for more free advice.

My love to you and your girls.
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Old 01-11-2014, 01:43 PM   #3
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What you have been through is devastating ,truly.
What you have lost is ...stuff ( all replaceable)

Someone I grew up with , had two sons. One died in a
fire, the other spent two and a half years in the burn unit.
He had a 10% chance of living. He did survive the excrutiating
Treatments ,many skin graft operations and infections. His
face is disfigured and he will need a walker the rest of his life.

Things can always be replaced.

I commend you for saving the cat.
The blessing is , you all made it out okay.
When that doesn't feel like enough google burn units.
It could have gone down much differently had you all
Been asleep.
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Old 01-11-2014, 02:08 PM   #4
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I have lost everything a couple times in my life but through my own stupidity, not a disaster like this. I honestly cannot grasp the enormity of what you face. It is impaling...and something that has no fix. Its a real loss, not just a lost grasp.

The important matter is that you and your family, including your cat, are ok. At least I hope the cat is ok. You said you went in to get it, but didnt say you did. But the LIFE in the home is ok. Thank god.

Material things, like sofas, linens, clothes, will be rebuilt. Items of sentimental value, are gone forever, but the sentiments are not. Their memories and the hold they have in our hearts remain. As you rebuild, find new items to resemble and mark those sentiments. In fact, use that as an activity of healing for you and your wife and daughter. Go scavenge in garage sales, markets, do scrap booking, or sculpting, make paintings or jewelry that recall those lost things that held memories or hearts. This is a long term, down the road kind of healing art.

For now, you must sit with this and feel the loss. Let it sift thru you and your family and hurt. The grief must be felt. A dear friend of mine had a barn fire, and lost 29 of her horses. I saw her the next morning, only 5 hours after the fire had been extinquished. I hope to never see that look on anyone's face again, as I watched her walk toward me, from the rubble of the barn and carcasses...she surrounded herself with friends she trusted because she was on remote. She was so overwhelmed she could not think nor feel. It was days before she could sleep. And weeks before she could take a phone call. Find yourself your Captain...someone who can orchestrate help for you if you yourself cannot do so. Its OK to be helped.

The child will need to be with her friends and other family and it might be a long while before she feels safe again. She was sleeping, yes, when this happened? In the safety of her bed? Therapy will be good... especially art therapy....
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:06 PM   #5
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I have. A couple of times. the last time I lost my job, my wife, my cats and my house and I was living in a different continent with no family (I lost my inlaws which were my family over there).

I'm home again after 15 years and I own four pieces of furniture (bed, desk, dresser, bookshelf) and all my stuff can get easily packed into a minivan. with room. I'm in school and I'm broke.

You adjust. Thing is, I've done it twice before. Lost everything. I know it's very possible to pull yourself back out. But you need friends and a sense of self. I no longer give a shit about "stuff". Even family photo albums. I know it may seem hard and weird, but really, the only thing there is, is me and the people I love and love me back. People who make me safe, even when I am sleeping on their couch for the 15th time.

The hardest part, out of everything is the losing and watching it go. That was the most terrifying thing, the first time. But, when you have lost everything you get some serious perspective and tbh I have more peace and contentment now with my lack of things and lack of stuff or a relationship, than many people who are well off with a long term partner.

It takes a while to find your core. but what doesn't kill ya, really does make you stronger. You'll make it. It will be hard, it will suck, you will think you can't do it, but then one day you realise you were doing it from the first day after the loss.

"Fuck it" is a really good book to read in a crisis. I highly recommend.
[ame="http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1848500130?tag=tfkil-21&camp=1406&creative=6394&linkCode=as1&creativeAS IN=1848500130&adid=0KZJETJ4JEGKVBXP78D8&&ref-refURL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.thefuckitlife.com%2Fshop.h tm"]F**k It: The Ultimate Spiritual Way: Amazon.co.uk: John C. Parkin: Books[/ame]
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:24 PM   #6
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Erryl,

What a tragic situation for you and your family. Because of your post, perhaps some who reads this will call their insurance company first thing Monday and get the clarification they need for their home. You may save someone else the heartache with sharing your story.

You running back for your kitty-fur does not come as a surprise to this critter person. One does not have the luxury of time under those chaotic moments, you did save kitteh without a moments hesitation. Thank you so much for that.

It can only get better from here. Good Luck.
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Old 01-11-2014, 08:44 PM   #7
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It does get better, but I'm sure you are tired of hearing that!

Up until I decided to post this reply no one, except my friends who helped me, knew the true extent of this part of my life:

Six years ago my fiancé left me. Within a few months after that I lost my job, my home and my car. I sold almost everything I owned just so I could eat. I also lost my confidence in myself. Today I have a job, a home, a car and am still working on replacing the things I sold. Some I can never replace as they were antiques. Things can be replaced over time and a new life can be built. I'm still working on having confidence in myself again, but I'll get there.

I won't lie and say everything is perfect now. There are days I still struggle with the feelings I had when I lost everything I had. Every once in awhile out of the blue I get that suffocating feeling that I could lose everything again. It doesn't happen often, but it is 1000 times better than it used to be. I can only hold on to the knowledge and belief that one day these feelings will be almost non-existent.

What helped me through those rough times, and even my bad days now, were my friends. They helped me see the positive and keep me on track to rebuilding my life. Even my ex fiancé and her mom helped me out with pep talks, a place to live, food when I had none, a car to borrow for job interviews, and even some spending money so I could go out with my friends. To this day I feel I owe them more than I could ever repay, even though they say I owe them nothing.

Hang in there and allow yourself time to grieve and allow your friends to support you in anyway they might offer.
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Old 01-11-2014, 09:27 PM   #8
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I have been where you are. I know exactly how you feel. I got kicked out of the USMC for being gay. It was my dream to be a Marine. So not only did I lose my only source of income, I had my dream taken away. But not before they devasted me financially . I was in pretrial confinement for 6 months because they considered me a flight risk , because when they came to arrest me I was on emergency leave, my father had a massive heart attack and I went back home to be there since they didn't think he would make it. They were so pissed that I wasn't there when they came to arrest me, that is how they punished me. So for 6 months none of my bills got paid plus I had to shell out 10,000 for a lawyer . I only had 3000 dollars to my name back then. And I did not get paid 1 cent plus I had to pay back 5000 dollars I recieved as a re-enlistent bonus . I won't bore you with anymore details. I had to start over with nothing . I started driving a semi over the road when I got out of the USMC and was slowly trying to get back on my feet. I was gone for 6 weeks then I would get 3 days off. My gf at the time was supposed to be paying my bills etc while I was gone. She had access to my checking account, and my condo. Pay check was direct deposit and she was supposed to be paying my bills. Long story short, I was just getting back on my feet when I came home and found she had wiped me out. Stole all my furniture cleaned out my checking account etc... been lying cheating and stealing from me and hadn't paid a bill in over 2 months.
I called my twin I was devasted like you . She talked me into moving to Oklahoma where she was at the time. I loaded up what was left. My pickup truck a motorcycle , a dresser with all my clothes (wasn't much) and 1 pot. That was a long time ago . 1989
I still have that pot by the way. I keep it as a reminder . It reminds me that what is, has nothing to do with what can be. I didn't have 2 dimes to rub together when I came here. But I got a job right away and an awesome job 2 months after , and started rebuliding my life again . Oklahoma has been very good to me. I have come a long long way from that very difficult time in my life. I don't know if I can motivate you but I will tell you this.
You have a wife!!!! Most don't . You have kids most don't . You have a support system. Most don't . Your family made it out unharmed even your pet. Some don't . You are far richer than you know ! It's hard right now for you to feel it. And you may think I am mean to say this but I will say it anyway. You are just feeling sorry for yourself. Not that you don't have the right to, but that is why you can't see the blessings in your life right now. Feeling sorry for yourself is wasting precious time you should be focusing on rebuilding.
You still have your job right? So you still have an income. You still have a means to rebuild. You need money to replace the things you had. Money is the most replenishable resource there is. You have a family willing to help . Which makes it easier and you can rebuild your life faster with support from family. That is rare.
You don't have to be strong.( I don't think you're weak BTW) Just roll up your sleeves and get started. I always say, when I am down to nothing, that means the universe is up to something. If you put your energy into rebuilding the life you want , and you won't have time to worry about what you lost. The most important thing, BE GRATEFUL. I know it sounds crazy right now, how can you be grateful for losing everything. Well I will tell you how. I believe everything happens for a reason . And that reason is always in our best interest, even if we don't know what that reason is at the time. Like a jigsaw puzzle with the pieces thrown everywhere. None of it makes sense and you don't know why this happened and you just want to cry or strangle someone. And you don't know how this ever could be in your best interest. But time marches on and slowly all the pieces come together, you look back and you realize this had to happen in order for you to be where you are now.
Know that you can and will rebuild your life, and it won't be the same stuff, it will be better ! It won't happen overnight, but it will happen. Make it happen. You had it once, you can have it again. There is nothing stopping you. You didn't buy your things with insurance money the first time, you don't need it now either. Not getting insurance money you thought you had, only means it MIGHT take you a little longer to get what you want.
I won't tell you to be positive. You don't have to be positive , but you do have to be grateful .
I am sorry this happened to you. I know it sucks out loud. And if you just want to feel sorry for yourself then do it for an afternoon or something then knock it off and get back to work !!! And don't forget to be grateful. In 5 years you have to contact me and tell me I was right !!!! Deal ?????
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Old 01-11-2014, 10:21 PM   #9
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I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for all the trouble and grief you have been through and I wish you all success and good fortune in rebuilding.
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Old 01-11-2014, 10:28 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fatallyblonde View Post
I don't have any advice I just wanted to say I am so so sorry for all the trouble and grief you have been through and I wish you all success and good fortune in rebuilding.
Exactly this above, well said fatallyblonde, well said.
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Old 01-12-2014, 02:35 AM   #11
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I can't give much advice, as I've never lost everything in a fire. I saw your photos, and all I can say is thank heaven you and your family are all safe and well! You will all be in my prayers.
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Old 01-12-2014, 05:04 AM   #12
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First of all, let me say I am so very sorry this happened to you. I have lost everything I own in a fire. I think I can imagine a lot of what you are going through right now.

I was moving into a new apartment and had moved everything except for my bed and two dressers (my big furniture) into the new place. I slept at my old place because I was waiting for my partner and my friend to stop by in the morning so we could move the furniture. Well, that night there was a fire in my new apartment. My new landlord called me in the middle of the night to tell me.

I lost literally everything I owned as well as a beloved pet, who I had moved in the night before because I thought he'd be safer out of the way the next morning. I SOOOO will not lecture you about running back in after your cat! Anyone who has an animal that dear to them understands. I am really glad everyone made it out safely, INCLUDING your cat. I carry around grief and guilt still over moving my bunny into the new apartment and he died because I made that decision. I know LOGICALLY it's not my fault, but those feelings are still there.

I can tell you, it does get better. I don't think when you lose everything that it ever entirely goes away--it's a traumatic experience. But you do heal. And it becomes more like a scar than a big, gaping wound.

What helped? People helped a LOT. I have always been very introverted and a bit of a misanthrope and though I've always had a few really close friends, I was not one to really consider many in the category of "friend". Well, I learned how many friends I really had. Help came from really unexpected places. People that I hadn't considered that close to me organized a food drive and clothing and blanket drive and whatever I needed drive. People I didn't even know gave to me. Money, clothes, shoes, dishes, a blanket to sleep under. It was REALLY humbling. Don't be afraid to ask for and accept help. Sometimes you really do need people in life--let them in.

I've never cared that much about STUFF. I've never had much. But I am an artist, and the one thing I have always cared deeply for is my art. I lost about 100 paintings in that fire, as well as a bunch of art journals. My entire life's work. It was like losing a part of myself. It's the way I communicate and navigate through the world, how I ground myself. I can't even explain how hard that was. The rest of it I could let go of except for the fact that one has practical needs in life--but my rabbit and my art? That was tough.

There's probably really, REALLY meaningful things that you have lost. But in the end it really is all stuff. You have yourself and your wife and your little girl and your furbaby. If I had slept in the new apartment that night, I would be dead. So, even though the losses are monumental, and I don't mean to make it sound like they aren't--you have everything you NEED. The rest flows from there. It really does. Just return to yourself. Whatever that is, whatever that means to you, just do it.

During the drive my friends had for me, one of the requested items for people to donate was art supplies. And the FIRST thing I did was paint. It was an act of defiance in a lot of ways, and I did it because I knew I would be paralyzed with fear if I didn't just do something right away. So I did. I didn't paint for a long time after that, but I slowly came back to it. It's been two and a half years and I had my first solo show since the fire this past summer with all new work. I will never recover what was lost, and it is still tragic to me--but I learned that what I need is still in my hands and in my heart and in my mind. I moved forward and I somehow just made it work. Really, unless you are dead--everything can be replaced.

You can make new art, have new experiences, make new memories, take more pictures, make more money. It just takes time. The old will begin to fade way and the new will come in and start to replace the losses. I'm not gonna lie, it's not all magic and rainbows and unicorns. That fire changed my life, and changed me. I still have a hole and always will have one. I reach for things I no longer have, still. I am on disability and supplement that income from art so I do NOT have a lot of money to replace things. I don't have much clothes, only three pairs of shoes, my art and art supplies, some blankets and pajamas, and some new make up and I am grateful for all of it. You learn to make do with less, but in a kind zen not being so wholly attached to things way. I definitely enjoy the things I have but I know for certain it will not destroy me if I lost it all again. It still pricks at me, but less often. I cried reading your post and reading this thread. The old grief cropped up, but it hasn't done that in a while.

I have the first blanket someone gave me right after the fire. It's this ugly ass afghan that looks like someone's grandmother crocheted it in the 1960's. I would've probably said before this all happened that you couldn't pay me to sleep under something that ugly! But it kept me warm on those first cold nights alone in an empty apartment. Someone gave it to me. I still have no idea who. Maybe their grandmother crocheted it and they decided they could part with it because I needed it more. Well, it sits in pride of place on my couch now LOL. Not with any conscious reason, but it grew on me and is meaningful. You will have to learn to get over yourself a bit in the process, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

So, yeah. After that ramble. I am sharing my story mainly because it's similar to yours. How many people survive a house fire that completely destroys everything they own? Not many. I am so SO happy that you all made it out. Start from there. Seriously, start from there and also let the support pour onto you from the outside as well. Accept it. Take it bit by bit by bit. Try to not even take in bullcrap about not having good enough insurance, blah blah blah. You have SOME coverage--that's great! Start with what you have. In hindsight, I would've been way better off if I had decided to get that renter's insurance. But it is what it is. Take what you have and see what you can make with it. It might be way beyond what your hurting hearts can even imagine right now. Do whatever makes you feel most strong and most like YOU. Because you is what you have. And that's a lot more than you might think.

Please feel free to PM me if you want additional support. I will be following the thread.
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Old 01-12-2014, 05:58 AM   #13
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Erryl,

I just want to say to you that I am so sorry for the loss of your home and your beloved material possessions. Thankfully you are all safe and I would have gone back for my pets as well. I saw your photos and words cannot express my sadness for you all, but the great relief you are all alive.

When I was 12 our house burned down. I watched from my neighbors driveway. My dad, sister and I were out shopping for Chanukah presents for my Mom when the house went on fire. My Mom was alone. We drove up to firetrucks. My Mom got our dogs out safely, but she could not get Shane, my sweet bird out and she tried, the cage was too hot. The firemen tried. She was able to grab our photo albums, strange the things we go for. As a child, the same age as your daughter... It is hard and it is scary and a memory I will never forget. But, we heal - we always do. The things can be replaced, and the memories are stored in our minds.

Just know you can rebuild. That while your financial situation might be stressed, you can turn this around. You have proven that you three are survivors, you will survive this.

Sending my thoughts to you all!

Julie
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Old 01-12-2014, 09:05 AM   #14
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I am so very sorry for your losses.

I have not lost everything in a fire. I have lost many material possessions over time... due to decisions I have made or not made. In the past several months I have really missed my grandmother's quilts that I got rid of, many of my books and other things. My favorite material thing that I own in the world is a framed Kafka poster that is not with me right now. But other losses are more painful to me.

I am not someone who cares about material possessions, but sometimes certain things are a comfort and when they are gone you do miss some of them. In other ways it can be quite freeing not to have a lot. I feel both at the same time.

My saving grace is the unconditional love of good friends and my mother.

I take comfort in this:

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Peace to you and your family.
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:53 PM   #15
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Thank you so much yall. Sorry it took me a while to get back to a computer.

The cat, Malice is fine. She didn't like it but she wasn't hurt. No one was and that is the biggest blessing in the whole world.

Bliss, that is great advice. It's easier to hold my head up now and breathe. I'm moving on to acceptance I think.

Dude, I KNOW! I have gotten so many messages from people who have lost family in fires and it's so awful. I know all I lost was stuff. We are all very lucky to be alive.

Silver, thank you for your understanding. It sucks that you have had to start over before too. ((hug)) It's hard to sit with it and just let is out since we are all on top of each other but we have had a few cry sessions and we are starting to work through it.
I asked her is she wanted to talk to someone about it but she's not ready to. She won't go look at it either, which I completely understand. She did tell me that she was scared to have another home, it might burn down too. Her sense of security is shattered. My wife assumes me that in time it will come back once we are stable and have a home.

Honey, I'm not real attached to most stuff. When I cry it's about the loss my daughter has. The furniture was just furniture. OH! We got our fire safe open and my backup harddrive is FINE. So, we have all our photos. The old fmaily pics are gone but the ones of my daughters life are fine. Those are the "things" I'm attached too. My daughter is different. She's a kid... ya know... they deeply with a passion love their objects. We got her a couple little things and she understands it's going to take time to get her stuff.

Happy, you're right. It can only go up from here!

Jagg, that is just awful! thank you for your service!! That pisses me off though, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm so sorry!
It's about time someone told me that it was okay to be weak for a day. I needed a good cry and I got one yesterday. We all sat together and just bawled. We know it's just stuff. We know it can be replaced but people don't seem to understand that what I'm crying about isn't a sofa. My daughter lost everything she owns, her sense of security and our independence. It hurts to lose even just your stuff. I think it's reasonable to be upset for a bit. I'm a tough broad and I know we can get our family past it but that doens't mean it doesn't suck. Thank you for understanding and I'll let you know in 5 years how incredibly insane awesome my life is, because it will be!

Blonde, Tex, Late, ((hug)) Thank you.

Candy, I'm so sorry that you went through this too!! I've gotten so many messages from people who have been through it. I was surprised by the number of people who have been through fires.
My heart breaks for your pet. :,( I'm so sorry. There's nothing anyone can say...
It sucks that you lost your art. The short in the wiring happened in my art/craft room. What a room to start in.. I"m sure once all the scrapbook paper and photo albums caught there was no hope, no matter how fast the FD had gotten there. So so so many art supplies for all kinds of arts and crafts. My paintings, scrapbooks... but I've got my pics so I really can't let it get to me. I'm really very lucky to have them. You're right about the people. I never knew anyone honestly cared so much. People have come out of the woodwork in the last couple days offering support and encouragement. I'm really in a much better place than I was the other day when I wrote this. It's going to get better a little bit every day.

Julie, I have SO MANY questions for you but I will try not to pry. My daughter's happiness is the #1 thing for me. She said to me that she is scared that when we have a new home (apartment is our plan but "new home" for us is anywhere) it will burn down too. She's afraid to own anything because she doens't want to go through this again.. and it breaks my heart.
I can't thank you enough for telling me your story. I hope and pray that Aurora will be strong and that she can move on from this. She's so scared.. she watched it from the road out front of our house. She just kept begging me to tell her it wasn't real. I wanted to so badly. My heart feels so broken over this for her. All a mom wants is for her kids to be happy and taken care of. She's horrified, sad and homeless. I feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to give her a place and her things this very second!! I know it will take time. We will get there. We are a strong family. I'm sorry for rambling a bit there...Just thank you. ((hug))

Thank you Bulldog, I'm saving that quote.
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Old 01-13-2014, 01:12 PM   #16
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Honey, I'm not real attached to most stuff. When I cry it's about the loss my daughter has. The furniture was just furniture. OH! We got our fire safe open and my backup harddrive is FINE. So, we have all our photos. The old fmaily pics are gone but the ones of my daughters life are fine. Those are the "things" I'm attached too. My daughter is different. She's a kid... ya know... they deeply with a passion love their objects. We got her a couple little things and she understands it's going to take time to get her stuff.
I apologise for not being very clear. I was in no way referring to what you were crying over. I was only talking about my own Journey in losing everything, using certain items that most people feel very attached to for emotional reasons. Since I don't expect most adults to not care if they lose "stuff" I hardly expect a child to fathom loss of any kind. We learn by experience.

The only thing I really wanted to convey to you, in attempting to bring you some hope, is that for me, the hardest part was watching the loss happen and the initial panic. There are layers to the loss, and there are pockets of emotional setbacks in the forward motion of moving through it. The first time I would want to show somebody something or have something that I wanted to share or give and ... It wasn't there. The security of that place - my home, my job, my relationship - and of the sense of self that went with it, a portion of my identiy was gone. And I didn't understand just how much of myself was invested in my sense of security and how much it defined me.

Losing that hurt. A lot. I had to find a new identiy and sense of value I could show to others. That comes from a typical North American Puritan style work ethic. I didn't even know I had it, coming from an atheist family. But it permeates our society anyway.

I have no idea if you will struggle with it. I am only saying if you do... You can get to redefining and it actually will show you something that others can't see. It's like a veil (maya) gets lifted and you can see something about a layer of reality that other people don't have, because they haven't had it thrust into the face and had to cope.

That's all. Apologies for not being more clear.

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Old 01-13-2014, 03:50 PM   #17
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Julie, I have SO MANY questions for you but I will try not to pry. My daughter's happiness is the #1 thing for me. She said to me that she is scared that when we have a new home (apartment is our plan but "new home" for us is anywhere) it will burn down too. She's afraid to own anything because she doens't want to go through this again.. and it breaks my heart.
I can't thank you enough for telling me your story. I hope and pray that Aurora will be strong and that she can move on from this. She's so scared.. she watched it from the road out front of our house. She just kept begging me to tell her it wasn't real. I wanted to so badly. My heart feels so broken over this for her. All a mom wants is for her kids to be happy and taken care of. She's horrified, sad and homeless. I feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to give her a place and her things this very second!! I know it will take time. We will get there. We are a strong family. I'm sorry for rambling a bit there...Just thank you. ((hug))
Erryl,

Time does heal. I promise you that and Aurora will heal. She has the blessing of youth on her side and two Mom's who love her.

When I was 16 years old, we lived in Mexico. We were traveling and my father was tired and didn't tie down our suitcases to the roof rack very well. They fell down a ravine. ALL of my belongings were gone. Most important to me, was my journal. It was my journal from when I was young after the fire. I was so angry and hurt that he could be so irresponsible. Two times in my young life, I lost everything.

My anger and loss was short lived both times. Youth has an amazing way of healing us. I did not think about the journal or other things lost, even my most precious possessions from our fire for very long. Sometimes (at 51) I wish I had my journal, to reflect back. Instead I have my memories and most of them are good.

The nightmares, if she has any... They will go away too and she will be okay. Just keep the lines of communication open and give her permission to curse and yell and scream (no doubt you already do). This time for her can turn into an adventure.

Julie
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Old 01-13-2014, 05:02 PM   #18
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I am glad you are not pushing your daughter to see the remains of the home. But take many photos, especially of her room. She will want to see them later as she heals, and as she matures.

Something you can do for her, to make her feel better, is to ask her what she would need to feel safe, and explore it. Some might be reasonable, some might not be. Asking to sleep with her parents might be ok, but you have to establish early on, its not forever. Depending on her age, you could get her something that would be her bed buddy, representing your promise you will do everything you can to keep it from happening again.

Kids who go thru fires sometimes play with fire in small doses, to explore what it looks like and how it consumed their lives. Just be prepared in case she does this..she hasnt lost her mind. It is part of the journey of healing for some survivors. It goes away. (Arsonists do not develop from this. Thats a disorder. I am not talking about that kind of fire interest.)
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Old 01-14-2014, 04:51 AM   #19
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Kuddos to you for being able to function still after such a devastating event. I wish for you and your family to regain soon a sense of safety.

You shouldn't blame yourself and add guilt to injury about what happened, especially in regards to your daughter.

What you are providing her in matter of emotional safety is very valuable and will come to be an anchor in the storm for her.

Also, the way you are all going to recover from the event, as a family, will give her lessons in strength and resilience that will last her a lifetime. I empathize with her situation and the loss of her things It might help for her to make a list of items that she'd like to have replaced and cross out each item as you are buying them back. She knows you have the ability to provide for her, the ability was not taken away from you, just the things this ability brought.

If you still have a job, an income or the ability to make money, you can bounce back from the situation.

I am very grateful for the sharing of your story and also for the incredible gift of story sharing from all the people who replied to your post.

These messages of hope and overcoming loss and grief have inspired me immensely.
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Old 01-14-2014, 06:59 AM   #20
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Thank you so much yall. Sorry it took me a while to get back to a computer.

The cat, Malice is fine. She didn't like it but she wasn't hurt. No one was and that is the biggest blessing in the whole world.

Bliss, that is great advice. It's easier to hold my head up now and breathe. I'm moving on to acceptance I think.

Dude, I KNOW! I have gotten so many messages from people who have lost family in fires and it's so awful. I know all I lost was stuff. We are all very lucky to be alive.

Silver, thank you for your understanding. It sucks that you have had to start over before too. ((hug)) It's hard to sit with it and just let is out since we are all on top of each other but we have had a few cry sessions and we are starting to work through it.
I asked her is she wanted to talk to someone about it but she's not ready to. She won't go look at it either, which I completely understand. She did tell me that she was scared to have another home, it might burn down too. Her sense of security is shattered. My wife assumes me that in time it will come back once we are stable and have a home.

Honey, I'm not real attached to most stuff. When I cry it's about the loss my daughter has. The furniture was just furniture. OH! We got our fire safe open and my backup harddrive is FINE. So, we have all our photos. The old fmaily pics are gone but the ones of my daughters life are fine. Those are the "things" I'm attached too. My daughter is different. She's a kid... ya know... they deeply with a passion love their objects. We got her a couple little things and she understands it's going to take time to get her stuff.

Happy, you're right. It can only go up from here!

Jagg, that is just awful! thank you for your service!! That pisses me off though, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. I'm so sorry!
It's about time someone told me that it was okay to be weak for a day. I needed a good cry and I got one yesterday. We all sat together and just bawled. We know it's just stuff. We know it can be replaced but people don't seem to understand that what I'm crying about isn't a sofa. My daughter lost everything she owns, her sense of security and our independence. It hurts to lose even just your stuff. I think it's reasonable to be upset for a bit. I'm a tough broad and I know we can get our family past it but that doens't mean it doesn't suck. Thank you for understanding and I'll let you know in 5 years how incredibly insane awesome my life is, because it will be!

Blonde, Tex, Late, ((hug)) Thank you.

Candy, I'm so sorry that you went through this too!! I've gotten so many messages from people who have been through it. I was surprised by the number of people who have been through fires.
My heart breaks for your pet. :,( I'm so sorry. There's nothing anyone can say...
It sucks that you lost your art. The short in the wiring happened in my art/craft room. What a room to start in.. I"m sure once all the scrapbook paper and photo albums caught there was no hope, no matter how fast the FD had gotten there. So so so many art supplies for all kinds of arts and crafts. My paintings, scrapbooks... but I've got my pics so I really can't let it get to me. I'm really very lucky to have them. You're right about the people. I never knew anyone honestly cared so much. People have come out of the woodwork in the last couple days offering support and encouragement. I'm really in a much better place than I was the other day when I wrote this. It's going to get better a little bit every day.

Julie, I have SO MANY questions for you but I will try not to pry. My daughter's happiness is the #1 thing for me. She said to me that she is scared that when we have a new home (apartment is our plan but "new home" for us is anywhere) it will burn down too. She's afraid to own anything because she doens't want to go through this again.. and it breaks my heart.
I can't thank you enough for telling me your story. I hope and pray that Aurora will be strong and that she can move on from this. She's so scared.. she watched it from the road out front of our house. She just kept begging me to tell her it wasn't real. I wanted to so badly. My heart feels so broken over this for her. All a mom wants is for her kids to be happy and taken care of. She's horrified, sad and homeless. I feel like the worst person in the world for not being able to give her a place and her things this very second!! I know it will take time. We will get there. We are a strong family. I'm sorry for rambling a bit there...Just thank you. ((hug))

Thank you Bulldog, I'm saving that quote.
That's the spirit friend !!! I hope things go smoother than you could have imagined and you turn things around faster than you ever thought possible. Believe it or not it's a great life lesson for your daughter , it will make her appreciate things more than she ever has before. And she gets to watch the process of building a life . Which she will do herself when she moves out on her own. So instead of being born into having things she gets to watch it all unfold. And she can learn from any mistakes that are made along the way. She will learn how to make do with little or nothing and so losing things won't upset her like it does most people because she will know if it happens she has skills to survive, so not a big deal to her. Instead of saying what am I going to do, she will say I know what I am going to do, I will do exactly what I did before. Keep your head up this too shall pass.
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