Long Distance - How do you cope?

[~ocean]

I have never been in a committed, LDR or *in love * w/ anyone LDR .. i've
been attracted to someone LDR so all I am reading i can't realte to my own personal experience, all i know is that i could have what u all have had. and enough time off from my job to dedicate my time to my someone. I know someday, I might I have that experience. just keep loving all of u )

[chefboiardee72]

I've done it LD a few times with only one time turning serious. We coped by playing games and skying or using gchat. We would actually watch netflix together(short episodes not movies) together while we were on video chat. We "cooked" dinner together on webcam. Be creative and it will work, trust me. I know it sounds corny but when you can't be with someone all the time video is the next best thing.

[Jaques]

Did a couple of years with my girlfriend both me and her back and forth, 600 mile round trip. We spent holidays together too. In the end it wasnt that i couldnt do it, just got fed up with the travelling, so asked her to move in, weve now been together 11 years. Its never easy living with someone else when you are both older, being used to doing things your own way and there are times when you miss that space but we are both happy with our decision and when she goes away to stay with her family a few times a year, i think "yeh, it can do what i like, no one to nag me" etc. I actuallly miss her.

[pinkgeek]

I go to school 2600 miles from my queer family, friends and my girlfriend... (i.e. everyone I love)

Firstly - I rack up a lot of frequent flyer miles. I have the airline branded credit card and I use it for everything. I'm fly back and forth from Hawaii to California monthly and it's harder on me than anyone else.

Between visits we (friends, family and girlfriend) send silly cards, Skype, text, call and stay busy. We all make a pretty big effort not to dwell on the "missing part" - it makes time go slower and everything harder.

I've had people ask why I don't move back if I miss everyone so much. Answer: the relationships will last over the distance or they won't. Given a moderate amount of thoughtfulness and a significant amount of confidence long distance is less difficult than extensive dental work with greater reward and probably equal cash outlay.

Your mileage may vary - mine is about to hit "upgrade" on each flight!

[Jaques]

My youngest son and grandson whos only 18mths old, live in Laos in the far east and it takes us 2 days to get there, also very expensive and i miss them terribly.

[Silverseastar]

It's so interesting to see this thread revived after a year!

The relationship didn't work. In the end ironically she couldn't do it and I could. I broke it off last fall when I found her ability to handle it diminishing and then it becoming hurtful.

What I learned is that both parties need to make a commitment to making and keeping regular skype/phone dates, and both have to put time and energy into the little things to create the intimacy that is lacking in the physical realm. Flexibility is also key.

It's hard but I believe it can be done with the right people. Finding the right person is the biggest challenge.

[chefboiardee72]

Sorry to hear it ended. It takes patience and creativity to keep something like this exciting and alive.

[starryeyes]

I have tried several long distance relationships, the furthest one being on the farthest opposite coast as possible. For me, it was SO difficult. I never had any issues with the person, but I am such a needy girl I struggled with not having them with me to touch, kiss, feel, be lazy with, go on dates, etc.

My partner now, Justin lives in LA and I am in San Diego (130 miles apart). I don't know of most would consider this "long distance" but we couldn't just "be together" when we wanted to be without fighting LA traffic. What worked for us was iChat, yahoo messenger, phone calls. When we are not together, we sleep on FaceTime together or on the phone all night (thank goodness for unlimited mobile to mobile..lol). We talk all day on yahoo messenger or text. We call eachother on breaks or after work. We have done this for a year now. But, she is moving in with me this weekend so now we don't have to anymore! Yaya :-)

The San Diego to LA distance was hard for me too, we broke up several times over it, but ultimately we made it work. Just keep your head up when it gets rough. It takes patience, But you can do it. Look at all of these beautiful testimonies from these amazing people. It definitely is worth it in the end when it does work out.

Smiles!

[Abigail Crabby]

Originally Posted by Julie

Okay... Here goes.

I am in a very long distance relationship with Dreamer. Dreamer lives in Australia and I live in New York - There is 16k miles between us and right now a 14 hour time difference. We have been doing this for about 18 months. I have been there 2 times and Dreamer has been here once. It is HARD.

Video chat - Skype - Yahoo Video - Movie Nights - Dinner -- Sometimes the video camera is on from the time Dreamer wakes up, till I go to bed. Sometimes we don't even talk. We say goodnight on the phone every night.

Communication is KEY! And so is arguing and not being afraid to be cranky and everything else that goes with relationships. I get really cranky - ask anybody who knows me. I cry a lot and I yell a lot. Dreamer is more balanced, because really only one of us can fall apart at one time and it seems to be me. I fall apart a LOT. But you have to let the other person fall apart TOO - I am not so good at this, but trying to be less selfish, which is also a struggle - cause I am realllllllllllllllllllllllly selfish.

Seeing one another every 3-4 weeks is really quite glorious. Be happy for this and who knows... You live in Canada, a country which allows partner immigration and marriage. The United States does not. At least not yet.

Also --

When you are having doubts or feeling like you cannot do this one more minute - Just imagine the alternative and if it does not sit well or makes you sad - then the alternative is not an option.

Good LUCK!

Julie

It warms my heart to hear I'm not the only one who gets cranky and cries alot.

I can't be upbeat 24/7 I wish I could - but there are times when things in my life are pissing me off or making me depressed - those are the time I seem to need that physical presence more than ever - Thank God for Face Time - even tho I know it drives Jo crazy when I am cranky or in a down mood, at least he tries to smile thru it.

As Julie stated communication is key - and I always say what's on my mind - sometimes Jo doesn't agree and is able to say exactly what is on his mind. Lucky for me he's great at communication as well.

We have a three hour time difference and it can be a drag at times, cuz I'm up at 5:30 am his time and he's up when I'm in bed so getting a chance to say goodnite isn't always possible.

But we spend quality time together and get together as often as we can. Do I need more physical time with Da Schmooze oh yeah I do - but we live on opposite coasts and can't make any changes so I've learned to value the times we do get together

[LaneyDoll]

Riley and I are in a LDR. Right now, there is approx 280 miles and 4.5 hours between us. When he moves, it will cut down on some of the miles but the travel time will be the same.

We see each other 1-2 times per month, depending on our schedules and finances. Last month, we spend my birthday together and this month, we will have two weekends because my family vacation will happen about an hour from him.

In between visits, we talk/text daily. He calls me on his lunch break & on his way home plus we spend about an hour together on the phone before we say "good night."

Aside from communication, I think that biggest thing that helps me cope is how busy we each are. We both work full time; he is in school full time and I am raising a family. Additionally, we are in a D/s relationship and have a decent amount of rituals in place. These serve as reminders of our commitment and responsibility to each other.

Finally, our relationship had a strong foundation in friendship and I think it as really helped us learn each other and grow together.

[Gemme]

Luv and I aren't too bad, in comparison with some of the other LDR couples here. Hy's roughly 1100 miles and one time zone away from me.

We text and talk every morning and throughout the day. We always talk before bed too.

We will watch Hulu together and talk about what we see while on the phone. We haven't Skyped yet, but that's because my computer is as old as Father Time and is cranky about loading it.

We'll leave things on the forums here for one another and little hidden and not so hidden messages designed to make the other smile.

Hy's visited me once and it was really nice and we got along marvelously (this is fantastic because sometimes in person, things can be different), even if I did have to work a couple of those days.

Basically, be mindful of one another's needs and figure out what works for you. Some folks, as mentioned, are needier than others. Some want more face to face interaction and some prefer or are just fine with the voice connection. As long as the two of you are connecting and things feel good and right, then it's all good.

[Ciaran]

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

[Gráinne]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

I've done two LDRs or, rather, VLDRs (very long distance relationships) in that both were with women from opposite parts of the world to me. The first was in South East Asia and the second was in San Diego.

In neither case was it conscious for me (or my partner) that we were entering a LDR - rather, in both instances it just happened after friendship and, by friendship, I mean real-time friendship, albeit supplemented by phone, internet etc.

Neither relationship lasted but, interestingly, I don't think that either failed due to the long distance aspects. Certainly, it caused additional unwelcome challenges but not the deciding factor in either. In practice, both relationships maybe lasted longer due to the long distance nature as, due to the limited real time contact, issues didn't necessarily come to a head until much later than had the relationship been much georgraphically closer and thus spending a lot of real time together.

When these relationships were working, they were often working due to extensive travel. At times, I would fly to the US four or five times a year and my partner would fly to Ireland (where I then lived) maybe two or three times a year. All a bit whirlwind, exciting at times and tiring at other times.

I don't regret either of the relationships, especially not the second of them. It's brought me the continued love of someone I'm incredibly close to and I've no doubt that we'll be incredibly bonded until the end.

We still see each other regularly - she's based in San Diego and I'll be travelling there later this month. Later in the year, to celebrate an Irish Christmas, she'll be travelling over to spend Christmas with my family who have taken her in as a true and real member of the family - and that's saying something given how hesitant Irish families can be to outsiders.


Apologies for what turned into a ramble. Guess all I'm saying is that I tried a few LDRs, built up a lot of airmiles. They didn't work out but gave great enjoyment and I've made some great and close friends as a result. Can LDRs work? Sure they can - and there's plenty of proof of that. Equally, there's plenty of proof that more fail than succeed and much of the reason for failure is that too many use "LDRs" to substitute fantasy for reality.

Therefore, my general view is - if you're thinking of a LDR, give it a go and you could have enjoyment and ultimately have a meaningful relationship. However, for your safety and sanity and that of your partner, keep it grounded in reality at all times.

I've had similar experiences, with a couple of women across the continent or the world (England, California). I'm in Arkansas.

I think LDR can work out, with a boatload of "if's". If you're grounded in reality, as Ciaran said. It's tempting to create an entire fantasy relationship in your mind that is much heavier than reality. IF you keep a "real life" wherever you are. IF you have some idea of being together, rather than a LDR ad infinitim. That can be hard, if you're already established in your own countries or states.

It's also true that in an LDR, the goal can become getting to see one another again, rather than growing closer as a couple. Then, when you do see one another, it's tempting not to "ruin" things by bringing up problems as you only have a few days together. It's so easy to spend it in bed and doing romantic things, rather than "real life" stuff.

It can be fun, of course. You can see part of the world you've never known, away from tourists (unless you go to a famous site, like I did with English woman ). If nothing else, you could come out of it with a good friend.

[RockOn]

LDRs have turned into wonderful, loving, lifelong relationships for many people. I am happy for all of these couples and offer my congratulations.

I've done a long distance relationship. I will not attempt another one under any circumstances. My reach doesn't extend past the other side of town. Only I can know what is best for me ... LDRs are simply not workable for me.

[Silverseastar]

I think it is awesome to know oneself as best as possible, and kudos for being clear on what does and doesn't work for you Brock. Thank you for the perspective.

I'm amused that you don't state your location on your profile though...teehee...

[1QuirkyKiwi]

I’ve had two LDRs that didn’t work out; both were Trans-Atlantic (USA and Canada). One, when I was in Italy and other living here, 3 years ago. I once vowed never to consider LDRs further than Europe, because it’s cheaper and there isn’t as much travelling; this allows us to see each other more and in everyday situations and moods. Recently, I’ve been listening to my intuition and allowing myself to be open to the possibility of another LDR outside of Europe if/when the right woman/Butch for me comes along…

I want and need intimacy along with open and honest communication; this doesn't just mean sex, but the need to connect, to share my feelings, and for her/hym to share theirs. I’m very touchy-feely and affectionate by nature and literally feel my way through the world and I need to communicate with my partner through touching them; either with a hug, kisses, or simply holding her/hys hand, etc.

In an LDR, it’s very easy to try and be happy and cheerful all the time for my partner, but the reality is, I can’t always be and neither could my partner. Yes, I’m naturally cheerful and happy by nature, yet, there are days when I may feel down, grumpy and bad tempered for whatever reason(s), or I feel hurt by something that’s happened or by someone. The same may apply to my partner and as much as I try to resist confrontation, communicating regularly with my partner and allowing myself and her/hym the vulnerability to see each other like this in everyday life; this also includes arguments and still know that we’ll be Okay, respectful of each other’s needs and have a solid relationship.

Should the relationship reach the stage of living together, we’re going to experience the ‘warts and all’ of each other and there will be times when we’ll argue over something.

This isn’t so easy to do in a LDR where it takes a days travel to be together and then only have one or two weeks together at most before weeks or even months apart.

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by 1QuirkyKiwi

Yes, I’m naturally cheerful and happy by nature, yet, there are days when I may feel down, grumpy and bad tempered for whatever reason(s)

As a total aside from the thread subject but I'm the complete opposite from the above i.e. I'm naturally grumpy and bad tempered but occasionally have cheerful and happy moments for whatever reason

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

As a total aside from the thread subject but I'm the complete opposite from the above i.e. I'm naturally grumpy and bad tempered but occasionally have cheerful and happy moments for whatever reason

From personal experience, I know that these two exact polar opposites don't work for me in a relationship and I felt exhausted by their negative energy. I was frequently told that I was 'annoying' happy and 'irritatingly' optimistic! LOL!

P.S. It's my turn to have Kermit! LOL!

[Ciaran]

Originally Posted by 1QuirkyKiwi

P.S. It's my turn to have Kermit! LOL!

Not a chance !!! Any request to have Kermit brings out my possessive and jealous streak

[1QuirkyKiwi]

Originally Posted by Ciaran

Not a chance !!! Any request to have Kermit brings out my possessive and jealous streak

*Stamps foot and calls to Kermie* I'm neither jealous or possessive and willing to share... lol!