Open Letter: Dear Femme

[evolveme]

Dear Femme,

In the last week, here and elsewhere, heated discussions have arisen as to the overwhelming male-centric nature of our on-line spaces, our communities. We have come into those discussions to address this concern, always as a voice of support. Support for those who feel challenged (trans and male-id’d people). Support for those who feel unseen (women-identified butches).

In the process, we have been accused of “acting straight.” We have been told we too often “roll over for the men.” Some of us have been accused of flagrant misogyny. We have had to listen to old theories wherein female is connected to Feeling and male is tied to Logic. If we ask for facts, we are buying into the Patriarchy, not thinking with a whole and human mind.

Out of these debates I have seen how it may be true, the notion of male-centrism, but perhaps it is more true that this bias is generally a masculine one, than simply male.

In these communities, too often, our voices have been ones of undying support. When the masculine other requires us, we never fail to stroke, to attend, to remind her or him that yes, all things are as you wish them because we are here, beside you. Being that thing you most desire. That thing you need to remind you of your own worth and worthiness.

But, Dear Femme, when I read what you have to say in published essay, or blog, or on-line journal, you are so much else. You are alive with your own power. Your desire for Butch is only a passing commentary in the ungraspable passage of what-all is You.

And so I ask you, how do we recover ourselves, no matter how we identify, from the grip of the vortex of the masculine mean? How do we attend ourselves, or will we? While it may be true that the masculine bears an ancient wound, it is equally true that so does the feminine. I challenge you to consider her, You, and to talk about her tenderly and bravely, well and wisely, wholly and without the self-editing that comes of the reservation we put into so much of what we say here when we are attending to our masculine counterparts.

Let her loose.

I have an incredible amount of love for All of Them, but were I honest, even more for You.

Julie

[Bit]

Dear Sister Femme,

{{{{{{{{{{{{Julie}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you. And I love you, too.

You've articulated it perfectly. I haven't seen the accusations but then, I haven't been part of the debates... this time. I have certainly seen the accusations time and time again during past discussions.

I think that you've articulated the split very well, between those who feel challenged and those who feel unseen. What we see, standing on the outside, is that it is NOT an "either/or" situation but a "both/and" situation; but there doesn't seem any way to say so without being seen as unsupportive.

It's hard to be in the middle this way. It's hard to speak without that reservation, to stop censoring the self and simply talk.

I've spent so many years thinking always of the meaning that will be given to my words, the intent that will be assumed, that I don't honestly know if I am able to simply speak without considering others first.

That's a rather daunting thought,
Cathie

[SuperFemme]

Great post e.

I have found life to have gone down an interesting path since I fell in love with a trans person. People keep trying to relegate me to being a piece of furniture (soffa) and insisting that my label must change. I MUST be straight, look at who I love.

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

Hunter
Gatherer
Mother Bear
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Lover
Worker Bee
Busy Bee
Lover of my feminine

I have fought to be seen. To be heard. Without being on the arm of a butch or a trans guy. Suddenly I am again unseen. For who *I* am.

I will not stop fighting to be seen. I will not change the essence of *Me* because of who the Universe sent me to love.

I will keep speaking out. Figuring out. Opening my mind and heart but not changing the core.

I do not exist as a 50%. I am not a half of something.

I am 100%. Me.

1 + ! = 2 and so forth and so on into infinity.

[Bit]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

{{{{{{{{{{{Adele}}}}}}}}}}}} Wondered where you were today, sugar!

The line I quoted from your post really surprised me... not that you are the same you, but that I became a different me.

*tilts head* I think before I loved a Transman, I was a smaller me, hedged in with a lot of "shoulds" and "shouldn'ts" that I had learned from other people. I had to expand, to grow--I had to accept my own authority in my life--in order to become the person I was meant to be and to love all the people I was meant to love.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by Bit

Dear Sister Femme,

{{{{{{{{{{{{Julie}}}}}}}}}}}}} Thank you. And I love you, too.

You've articulated it perfectly. I haven't seen the accusations but then, I haven't been part of the debates... this time. I have certainly seen the accusations time and time again during past discussions.

I think that you've articulated the split very well, between those who feel challenged and those who feel unseen. What we see, standing on the outside, is that it is NOT an "either/or" situation but a "both/and" situation; but there doesn't seem any way to say so without being seen as unsupportive.

It's hard to be in the middle this way. It's hard to speak without that reservation, to stop censoring the self and simply talk.

I've spent so many years thinking always of the meaning that will be given to my words, the intent that will be assumed, that I don't honestly know if I am able to simply speak without considering others first.

That's a rather daunting thought,
Cathie

Lovely Bit,

Given that we are primarily socialized to think of others first, to literally seat ourselves last, it is no wonder we have this difficulty when it comes to times like these.

A couple of years ago I was meeting a beautiful girl friend of mine for drinks. She lived in another state and we hardly ever got to see one another. The entire time we were trying to catch up, however, men in the bar/restaurant, and one in particular, were/was interrupting us, attempting to dominate the conversation for attention. Both of us being the very Southern and feminine women that we are continued to smile wanly but permit them.

Finally, I'd had enough.

I said to the most frequent of these men (I interrupted him, in fact):

"Listen, we have been socialized and conditioned all of our sweet little lives to permit you to take up our space. To interrupt us. We're done with that business. Get lost."

I actually felt terribly guilty for possibly having hurt his feelings. And my friend did too. But we both laughed each time a man approached that I held up my hand and said, "No, back!"

I'm a little bit almost finally able to do that. To just say what I think. To go, No, back! whenever I need to and not worry about "his" feelings. Because I have allowed mine to be just as important.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Great post e.

I have found life to have gone down an interesting path since I fell in love with a trans person. People keep trying to relegate me to being a piece of furniture (soffa) and insisting that my label must change. I MUST be straight, look at who I love.

The thing is: I am the same me I have always been.

Hunter
Gatherer
Mother Bear
Sister
Daughter
Friend
Lover
Worker Bee
Busy Bee
Lover of my feminine

I have fought to be seen. To be heard. Without being on the arm of a butch or a trans guy. Suddenly I am again unseen. For who *I* am.

I will not stop fighting to be seen. I will not change the essence of *Me* because of who the Universe sent me to love.

I will keep speaking out. Figuring out. Opening my mind and heart but not changing the core.

I do not exist as a 50%. I am not a half of something.

I am 100%. Me.

1 + ! = 2 and so forth and so on into infinity.

Dear SuperLadypersonFemme,

I cannot possibly even IMAGINE how anyone would ever try to reduce You.

There is no entropy to Femme.

Period.

You are too large and too magical to ever be minimized. And certainly not because of how you have been enlarged through love. How nonsensical.

,

me

[Bit]

Dear Femme Poodle,

Once you took her off ignore--you're cracking me up! And that's one of the things I love about you, that sense of humor and wry acknowledgment that go hand in leash, so to speak.

I think, actually, that a sense of humor like that might be a hallmark of Femmes... have you found it to be so? I know in me it's a response to The Life Invisible, but even more a response to The Life Queer... We are all of us beings of strength and will, dealing with a world that tries hard to marginalize us and make us disappear.

I hear you and I see you,
Cathie

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by June

Dear, e
I get my power internally, rather than from outside sources.

My Femme does not rely on who I fuck or partner with. My Femme feeds and clothes herself and often even opens her own doors. She does not need to trample or dominate others (Unless they want it and ask nicely) in order to feel whole.

She is not envious of others, but she is a bitch when crossed and her love spreads wide for all people, even when her legs don't. She's also a Libra on the cusp of Virgo, which can be dangerous for the disengenuous and dishonest.

My Femme doesn't always spell very well either. And she tends to use a lot of ambiguous apostrophe's when she's not sure.

My Femme likes your Femme a whole lot and learns new things from her all the damn time. Especially once she took you off ignore.

In The Struggle to be heard and witnessed,

June

Dear June,

I never once doubted (and who could have) the fucking majesty that is You (even if you did have me on ignore).

Clearly you understand the secret to being your own powerhouse and knowing when and how to share that power in a way that does not ever diminish you. Thank the Great Poodle for that, sister.

Your role in the great scheme may just be one of Check & Balance. For that, you have to overcome a lot of people's bullshit, don't you? Well and we need more strong motherfucking women like you.

And, hey, your stray apostrophe's don't bother me a damn bit. If only I could figure out the meaning to those obnoxious acronyms.

Heard and witnessed,

e

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by June

Dear, e
I get my power internally, rather than from outside sources.

My Femme does not rely on who I fuck or partner with. My Femme feeds and clothes herself and often even opens her own doors. She does not need to trample or dominate others (Unless they want it and ask nicely) in order to feel whole.

She is not envious of others, but she is a bitch when crossed and her love spreads wide for all people, even when her legs don't. She's also a Libra on the cusp of Virgo, which can be dangerous for the disengenuous and dishonest.

My Femme doesn't always spell very well either. And she tends to use a lot of ambiguous apostrophe's when she's not sure.

My Femme likes your Femme a whole lot and learns new things from her all the damn time. Especially once she took you off ignore.

In The Struggle to be heard and witnessed,

June

Dear Daddy June,

The day I met you I was swept away by the power of You.

My swiss cheese of a brain remember the registration table at the first Femme Conf. like it was yesterday. THAT in and of itself is powerful.

I am a Libra on the cusp of Scorpio. I like to lie to myself and say that makes me a balanced bitch.

Am I off ignore yet?

Love,

FBG

[little man]

i can learn (and unlearn) here.

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by little man

i can learn (and unlearn) here.

Dear Wil,

You have long been one of our best and greatest allies.

Your sincerity and deep consideration are unmatched.

I have so much gratitude for You.

Love,

e

[SuperFemme]

Does anybody think that we, as Femmes are guilty of contributing to the male centric way of things?

Do we judge each other harshly? If so, how can we overcome?

[Bit]

Originally Posted by evolveme

Lovely Bit,

Given that we are primarily socialized to think of others first, to literally seat ourselves last, it is no wonder we have this difficulty when it comes to times like these.

Yikes e, lol..... I forgot how hard it was for me to learn to sit down before the Butch!!! And yanno... I can still only do it in restaurants.

Originally Posted by evolveme

The entire time we were trying to catch up, however, men in the bar/restaurant, and one in particular, were/was interrupting us, attempting to dominate the conversation for attention. Both of us being the very Southern and feminine women that we are continued to smile wanly but permit them.

I soooooo completely understand. It is SO HARD to break through the conditioning that we have to be polite, isn't it?

I bet you would have had exactly the same reaction had they been women. That's happened to me more than once, and although the unwanted attention has not been sexual, it has still been very MUCH unwanted.

Originally Posted by evolveme

I actually felt terribly guilty for possibly having hurt his feelings. And my friend did too. But we both laughed each time a man approached that I held up my hand and said, "No, back!"

I'm a little bit almost finally able to do that. To just say what I think. To go, No, back! whenever I need to and not worry about "his" feelings. Because I have allowed mine to be just as important.

I think that I am coming to that also, although not quite so literally. What I tend to do is to avoid people, or to leave....

.......unless, of course, they are people I care about. That's the rub, eh? Because I care about Butches and Transmen... it's one thing to stop being unnecessarily polite to strangers. It's another to stop caring about Butches and Transmen..............

..............you caught that, I'm sure. I caught it as the thought came out of my head. Since when does politeness equal caring? Am I required to be self-effacing enough to accept any kind of intrusion, simply to be seen as caring? Am I required to seat myself last at the table (I can hear half the world's Butches cringing, lol, can't you?) simply to be considered properly supportive?

It's a lot of food for thought,
Cathie

[SuperFemme]

In reading e and Bit's posts I had a thought.

Is the expected demur and polite veneer used as a way to silence us?

[evolveme]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Does anybody think that we, as Femmes are guilty of contributing to the male centric way of things?

Do we judge each other harshly? If so, how can we overcome?

Yes, I absolutely own and allow that I am guilty. But again, I am seeing this as "masculine-centric" rather than simply male-centric. When we call it male-centric, we're throwing our transguys and male-id'd fellas under the bus, and it's also patently unfair because of the ways that butch women, i.e., masculine females, inherently dominate our spaces as well. Don't misread me, although I may have seemed to have a certain "side" in these debates, I do not have a "side" for/against anyone. I Love ALL of These Groups. I literally and motherfucking do.

But here are the ways I see me playing into the masculine-centrism:

- I am always on the ready to call out transphobia (usually in the form of transguyphobia) or to speak up for the way that female id'd butches are not being seen (bc I have also done this), but am less likely to call out ways that I may see femmes being denigrated.

Usually it is because I either wait for someone else to weigh in on the subject, or because I actually believe that what a particular femme has done is distasteful and does not speak to Me, Julie, This Femme. Well, so motherfucking what?

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of judging other femmes harshly.

For example, if a femme posts in a certain font (pink) and is always serving up virtual cupcakes and tea, I am less likely (read: not at all) to listen to what she has to say. I WILL skip over her. And not because the font is hard to read (it is) but because it is "too girly" and that reads as "too ridiculous."

[little man]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

In reading e and Bit's posts I had a thought.

Is the expected demur and polite veneer used as a way to silence us?

i think, perhaps, it is more emblematic of "knowing your place" and being in it.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by evolveme

Yes, I absolutely own and allow that I am guilty. But again, I am seeing this as "masculine-centric" rather than simply male-centric. When we call it male-centric, we're throwing our transguys and male-id'd fellas under the bus, and it's also patently unfair because of the ways that butch women, i.e., masculine females, inherently dominate our spaces as well. Don't misread me, although I may have seemed to have a certain "side" in these debates, I do not have a "side" for/against anyone. I Love ALL of These Groups. I literally and motherfucking do.

But here are the ways I see me playing into the masculine-centrism:

- I am always on the ready to call out transphobia (usually in the form of transguyphobia) or to speak up for the way that female id'd butches are not being seen (bc I have also done this), but am less likely to call out ways that I may see femmes being denigrated.

Usually it is because I either wait for someone else to weigh in on the subject, or because I actually believe that what a particular femme has done is distasteful and does not speak to Me, Julie, This Femme. Well, so motherfucking what?

Yes, I am sometimes guilty of judging other femmes harshly.

For example, if a femme posts in a certain font (pink) and is always serving up virtual cupcakes and tea, I am less likely (read: not at all) to listen to what she has to say. I WILL skip over her. And not because the font is hard to read (it is) but because it is "too girly" and that reads as "too ridiculous."

My mind was thinking masculine centric and I typed male. I have to ponder that. I apologize.

The tea serving, maribou slipper wearing posts bother me because I feel they feed into the pleasing of the masculine.

It feels nonsensical and frustrating because to *Me* Femmes are a stand alone force worthy of so much more than an accoutrement.

[SuperFemme]

Originally Posted by little man

i think, perhaps, it is more emblematic of "knowing your place" and being in it.

Perhaps that is why I am constantly in the naughty chair for not knowing my (inferred) place?

[little man]

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Perhaps that is why I am constantly in the naughty chair for not knowing my (inferred) place?

or, perhaps you enjoy the "punishment"?

[Bit]

Originally Posted by little man

i can learn (and unlearn) here.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Wil}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I've never found you to be anything other than supportive.

Originally Posted by SuperFemme

Does anybody think that we, as Femmes are guilty of contributing to the male centric way of things?

Do we judge each other harshly? If so, how can we overcome?

I've experienced that. Interestingly enough, the times in the past when I have felt judged have been when other Femmes have tried to take away my rights to speak to and about female-identified Butches. The mechanism has usually been that I say something inclusive of all Butches, OR I say something about one group of Butches without painstakingly referencing all the other groups of Butches--and then I am arbitrarily branded as erasing and devaluing female identified Butches.

The effect of this has been to make me APPEAR to be enforcing male-centric standards on our community, because people have loudly tarred me with that brush. The truth is that in a weird and twisted kind of way, the people who have insisted that I am holding up male-centric standards have actually done it themselves by bringing it up in the first place and plastering it all over me when I wanted nothing to do with it and was deliberately, carefully avoiding it.

I suppose the problem is that some people cannot see past the "scarcity model" of thinking, and believe whole-heartedly that there is only one kind of recognition and it's limited; therefore, they seem to believe that if a person is recognizing male-identified Butches they are automatically erasing female-identified Butches, and vice versa. (I believe this is the root of the division in the Butch community even now.)

I say there is enough attention and recognition to go around. Both male and female identified Butches are valuable members of our community and deserve recognition--just as Transmen are valued and deserve recognition.

But what has happened is that in actual practice, no one hears me. From being a strong, deeply thoughtful, analytical, articulate, and valued ally of all three groups, I have been reduced to a caricature of unthinking prejudice--and so I am silenced.