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Old 03-21-2012, 11:01 AM   #1
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Default Femme Invisibility?

I know this topic has probably been brought up time and time again, but, please, share with me ways how not to be invisible!


I've slapped a pride sticker on my car... -- CHECK √

I tell all my friends and family that I'm a lesbian... -- CHECK √

Go to gay bars/events -- CHECK √



Straight people think I'm straight. Gay people think I'm straight. What more can I possibly do besides tattoo on my forehead that I am, indeed, part of the "family"?

It's so frustrating! I'd just like to hear how other femmes deal with this issue.

Gracias,
A Hopeless Femme




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Old 03-21-2012, 11:15 AM   #2
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I deal with this all the time. I used to go to alt bars and the ONLY time I ever left with a number was when a gay guy gave it to me.

~hits head on desk~

All of my friends tell me that I am intimidating so that, combined with femme invisibility, really made it hard to meet anyone. Talk about frustrating!

I never learned any "solutions" so I am looking forward to the replies posted.

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Old 03-21-2012, 11:17 AM   #3
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I have had this problem so often, that at one point, I considered getting a tattoo on the back of my neck that looked like a clothing label with the word "Femme". Just because I got so tired of the conversation.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:42 AM   #4
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It helps to ride a motorcycle. Then you can carry the rainbow sticker bedecked helmet around with you. It's my dyke badge.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:44 AM   #5
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Ok, So I'm at the store yesterday shopping for a new dress.. (bought two!) I also had the added/welcome frustration of spying a very very hot butch doing something in the store that resembled putting up racks.. I don't know about you but I'm not going to walk up to someone and say hey sexy Im into what you've got to offer, wanna play?

What do we do?? how can we help our counterparts distinguish us in the crowd of soccer moms, dazzling beauties who are strickly dickly and well the curious janes who just wanna look and wouldnt know how to touch even with a manual attached?

I have this tattoo on the back of my shoulder its a triangle of stone with the pride colors in the center radiating out like a pool of color, so it is my only distinquising mark of "Family" I mean honestly Ladies I get it..but not enough of it! And living in Michigan means... cold weather and I'm not baring shoulders for months on end.


Flirting has its thrills but damn.
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:46 AM   #6
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If I had a pound for every person that’s said I’m too straight acting to be gay, I’d be a millionaire! LOL!

I’ve even been told a few times that I’m ‘too nice a person’ to be gay! …What??? Once, I got so fed up with these statements that I said if the woman really wanted proof that I’m gay, then she might want to date me a while, then should things go well, the proof would be in the love making!

It's not the most elegant comeback I’ve said, but, she got the message, lol!
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Old 03-21-2012, 11:49 AM   #7
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I used to constantly wear a little rainbow-colored necklace with the word "Femme" in script. It helped a lot
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:18 PM   #8
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Carry one of these in your purse...


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Old 03-21-2012, 12:46 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cajun_dee View Post
Carry one of these in your purse...


I'd need to take the kitchen sink out, first! LOL!
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:51 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Cajun_dee View Post
Carry one of these in your purse...


Cajun Dee...you made my day with that pic. LMAOOOOOO! My purse is probably large enough to carry those around too!
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:55 PM   #11
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I'm a bit shy, so approaching a butch is out of the question for me (unless I've had a few shots of vodka, that is). I have to admit, I'm excellent when it comes to looking "hetero". I've lived this way most of my life, until I finally realized that I wasn't.

I'm considering getting a little tattoo, but have no idea where. I'm thinking maybe my wrist. Could be covered up by my watch when need be.

Any suggestions on tattoos?



Thanks ladies for your responses.
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:55 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusa View Post
I used to constantly wear a little rainbow-colored necklace with the word "Femme" in script. It helped a lot
I love this

I'm not trying to get noticed by anyone, but when I see other family members I try to go out of my way to make eye contact and smile, especially if I'm with my partner. Although, I do that with most everyone anyway, so
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Old 03-21-2012, 12:58 PM   #13
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I do remember, in my single days, how this would frustrate me to no end!!!!!

Trying to catch their eyes so you could smile, the whole "I AM FEMME WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME" feeling. It really is hard to get butches/trans/FtMs attention out there in the real world.

I went through a drive through yesterday and there was the cutest little baby butch at the window. OMG she was probably 17 or so. I SOOOOOOOOO bad wanted to say to her...

"I'm family. Are you ok? Is your family accepting? Do you need a Momma to talk to or just a friend?"

Someone should come up with something we can say and not just the rainbow thingy cause heck my granny used to have a rainbow wind catcher. That's not enough. We need a code word or something so that butches or any part of our family hears it and thinks...oh cool "she's" one of us.

Or maybe a secret handshake.

Something!!!
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:00 PM   #14
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I mostly wear black and neutral colors and I'm not into bright colors, really. Can't imagine myself wearing a rainbow. Cool for others, but not my thing. Oh well, maybe I'll get a silver double Venus symbol charm and wear the hell out of it. Guess, I can't go wrong with that. LOLL.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:02 PM   #15
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i think that is the thing that most don't get about Femme Invisibility. i am not about trying to catch a butch, it's about outing yourself as being family!
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:05 PM   #16
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I coped really well, but then I never expected to be acknowledged in the street.

I :

Live in gay areas

Used to have stickers on my car

Didn't wear earrings or too much colour

Didn't wear much jewellery at all

Didn't hang out with gay men or straight women in gay places

Didn't put pretty things in my hair

Didn't giggle unless I was drunk

Didn't humor straight men at. all.

Would complain to my friends about invisibility so they'd feel obliged to step in if someone misidentified me

Would dress down (slightly) or drag (queen) up when going to a gay venue or anywhere with majority gay.

It sounds sucky but it wasn't for me. It took away from a heteronormative appearance, so lesbians would pick up that I wasn't straight and men would think twice before hitting on me.

Now that I'm married and not worried about pulling women, I've noticed a difference. My style has become more tomboyish, yet lesbians are starting to ID me as straight. I'm convinced this is because I'm starting to break all of my own rules.
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:07 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by LaneyDoll View Post
I deal with this all the time. I used to go to alt bars and the ONLY time I ever left with a number was when a gay guy gave it to me.

~hits head on desk~

All of my friends tell me that I am intimidating so that, combined with femme invisibility, really made it hard to meet anyone. Talk about frustrating!

I never learned any "solutions" so I am looking forward to the replies posted.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hollylane View Post
I have had this problem so often, that at one point, I considered getting a tattoo on the back of my neck that looked like a clothing label with the word "Femme". Just because I got so tired of the conversation.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusa View Post
I used to constantly wear a little rainbow-colored necklace with the word "Femme" in script. It helped a lot
I've thought about getting a necklace (silver only for me, please) that had Femme or FEMME in script but still legible. It's about the only obvious outward sign I would emit I think.

The only people I care about feeling invisible to are butches and transguys (my sisters see me more easily than they do), but I would still have to get close enough to them without sending out 'creepy girl sneaking up on me' vibes out before they could read it.


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Old 03-21-2012, 01:10 PM   #18
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i think that is the thing that most don't get about Femme Invisibility. i am not about trying to catch a butch, it's about outing yourself as being family!
This is very true but I have noticed, for me, a distinct difference between the sister and the brother camp in terms of who notices me and recognizes me and who does not.

Maybe I should carry one of those boards.....
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:14 PM   #19
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Replace "DUDE" with "FEMME"
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Old 03-21-2012, 01:16 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cajun_dee View Post




Replace "DUDE" with "FEMME"
Not bad but i have bangs.
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