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Old 07-29-2016, 07:23 PM   #81
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I tried once. I was the mono half in the couple. Omg, it was nothing but a headache and struggle to reach compromise. It did NOT work and I would never try again. Just for me personally. Good luck to those who try!
It isn't easy, I agree. Sometimes things just don't work out.
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Old 08-07-2016, 07:39 PM   #82
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BUMP BUMP I know more folks got something to say!
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Old 08-07-2016, 08:20 PM   #83
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I may of posted before, but I know for myself, this would not be an option!
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Old 08-07-2016, 10:00 PM   #84
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I appreciate the comments made thus far. It seems to me that a relationship based on honesty and open dialogue can overcome philosophical differences. Can a relationship between people with different dietary needs work? Can a relationship between people with different income levels work? Can a relationship between people of different ethnicities or different religious beliefs work? I think the answer in all cases is "yes" if the people involved are willing to work through the hurdles that appear from time to time (as with any relationship).

Without identifying myself as poly or mono, it seems to me that a relationship can only "work" if the people involved want it to work and continue working on the relationship(s).
I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.
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Old 08-13-2016, 03:43 PM   #85
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I still believe my original post. I'd like to add that I think it takes a lot of self security in the mono partner (with nurturing from the poly partner) to keep the green eyed monster from becoming a problem.
Oh yes the green eyed monster has already come out, but not on my end. I agree it takes alot of self security and nurturing.
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Old 08-22-2016, 11:51 AM   #86
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I am poly and my wife is....kind of mono. Meaning...she has my permission to act on her desires if a situation comes up and she would like to. This has happened only once in the time we've been together. We are two VERY different creatures. For her, a mental attraction must be there. For me, it's all about the physical. We decided when we started dating 7 yrs ago that we would never make each other feel caged. She is simply not comfortable satisfying some of my sexual cravings. So I have others meet those needs. I do not desire to have another full on relationship. My heart belongs to my wife. I must also add that we discussed how this would work at length and have revised our rules along the way. At first she wanted to know the when, where and how's of my activities. She has now decided she doesn't want to know. I respect that and I will answer any questions she has should they come up.
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Old 08-22-2016, 12:35 PM   #87
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"The beginning is the most important part of the work"

it applies...
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Old 08-22-2016, 12:36 PM   #88
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As a completely monogamous person, the issue of why being with a poly person would not work for me really doesn't have anything to do with jealousy. I don't consider myself to be a jealous person. I won't be with someone unless I trust them 100%. I don't worry about anything going on when she is out doing things on her own, and I am very happy for my partner (when I have one) to have her own interests and close relationships with family members and friends. But when it comes to our relationship, I am solely focused on her, and I want her to be solely focused on me. That would be completely compromised for me if I was with a poly person, and it is much too great of a compromise for what I value in a relationship for it to work for me. So, I do not date or partner with poly people, but it has nothing to do with jealousy.

I think it would be rare for a poly/mono to work, and I don't think jealousy is the core of the issue. To me jealousy is rather petty no matter what your orientation is. I think both poly and monogamous people can be jealous, and jealousy can definitely wreak havoc with monogamous, poly, or poly/mono relationships.

What I want in a relationship is based on much more fundamental values than that, and I am assuming it is for other people as well - for both mono and poly people. I think that is the question a person would need to answer for themselves if they were getting involved with someone who is different on the poly or mono aspect of things - whether the relationship would meet their core values and needs. If poly/mono works for some people that is great. And poly/poly relationships that work for people, that's great too. It's just not for me.
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Old 08-27-2016, 09:42 PM   #89
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Bump bump.

It takes two to make a thing right, it takes two to make it out of sight. Busts a move in the thread to get it jumping.
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Old 09-19-2016, 08:15 PM   #90
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Bumping the thread again.
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Old 09-20-2016, 01:49 AM   #91
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I want to start by saying I have only been in relationships that were supposed to be monogamous. Two of my partners were frequent cheaters. I do not call them poly, I call them cheaters because they violated our agreement. If they were poly, they forgot to mention it to me. Had they been openly poly, the outside interest would have been easier to take.

Having said all that, there is a type of multiple partner relationship that I find both exciting and workable for me, as a basically monogamous person (that is, when thinking of it intellectually, I have not experienced it personally.)

What I conceive of is more like a group marriage. All parties live together, and interact with each other sexually, financially, familially, etc. Two or more couples may come together, or individuals may join together to form this family/marriage. They set their own rules, clearly define them, and they are committed to each other and all within the group, but would limit their sexual activities to those who are within the group. There could still be problems, of course, but there are many financial, emotional, and convenience advantages to this type of relationship. And just think of the disposable income, lol, Four or more adult workers would be bringing money into a household whose costs would not actually be much higher than that of a two adult household. Children would have multiple parents available to pay attention to them. One partner could take time off to go to school, or one could elect to stay home to raise/homeschool the children. Any permutations the partners agree on would be acceptable. This has always seemed to me like a way to achieve the benefits of a monogamous relationship. while allowing sexual and other intimate interaction with multiple people and achieving those benefits as well.

Meandering in my thoughts. Peace to you all in whatever relationship choices you make.
Smooches,
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Old 09-20-2016, 02:59 PM   #92
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I want to start by saying I have only been in relationships that were supposed to be monogamous. Two of my partners were frequent cheaters. I do not call them poly, I call them cheaters because they violated our agreement. If they were poly, they forgot to mention it to me. Had they been openly poly, the outside interest would have been easier to take.

Having said all that, there is a type of multiple partner relationship that I find both exciting and workable for me, as a basically monogamous person (that is, when thinking of it intellectually, I have not experienced it personally.)

What I conceive of is more like a group marriage. All parties live together, and interact with each other sexually, financially, familially, etc. Two or more couples may come together, or individuals may join together to form this family/marriage. They set their own rules, clearly define them, and they are committed to each other and all within the group, but would limit their sexual activities to those who are within the group. There could still be problems, of course, but there are many financial, emotional, and convenience advantages to this type of relationship. And just think of the disposable income, lol, Four or more adult workers would be bringing money into a household whose costs would not actually be much higher than that of a two adult household. Children would have multiple parents available to pay attention to them. One partner could take time off to go to school, or one could elect to stay home to raise/homeschool the children. Any permutations the partners agree on would be acceptable. This has always seemed to me like a way to achieve the benefits of a monogamous relationship. while allowing sexual and other intimate interaction with multiple people and achieving those benefits as well.

Meandering in my thoughts. Peace to you all in whatever relationship choices you make.
Smooches,
Keri

Your post is really appreciated and I enjoyed reading it. Thank you. I have known a few group marriages. Group marriage was kinda a thing in the hippie love era. Couples shared households and expenses and a few worked out pretty well but eventually the two I knew parted. I'm not sure why as I was just a teen then and thought it was a strange thing to begin with and too busy with my own life. In my much later adopted hippie lifestyle I experimented with many different ways of living and knew many like-minded people, for the most part accepting, happy together people, which I feel is very necessary to even consider living a lifestyle like this. People who decide to live this lifestyle generally adopt it because they find another couple they are in-sync with in many different ways. They love each other and enjoy spending weekends etc. This is how I noticed it started out. The other reason was a shared goal or beliefs which made it an advantage to have others who shared their values. Sounds cozy doesn't it? Well sometimes, but unfortunately the best of intentions doesn't always mean you have success even though you may want it badly.
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Old 09-20-2016, 05:05 PM   #93
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Group marriage is a no can do for mexample. I'm fine with my current poly/mono situation until it's not for me anymore.
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Old 09-20-2016, 07:57 PM   #94
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I've been thinking about this again, having gone out on a couple of dates.

I'm "monogamish" meaning, I'm fairly monogamous emotionally. I don't really go out looking for other people to get involved with, I don't feel I need it. I don't mind having extra curricular sex if it's offered but to me more than one relationship is, frankly, a fucking headache.

I'm a submissive. Dealing with the demands of more than one dominant is a pain in the fucking ass.

I need a lot of alone time, a lot of time for my career, my friends. I'm pretty happy with being single because of the time and peace and quiet it gives me. So I find monogamous relationships too intense. They pretty much require that they are my main focus in life. I am my main focus in life. I am my primary partner/relationship. I find it difficult when dating monogamous folk to get them to SLOW DOWN. Take it easy. I'd prefer if you didn't call me or text me every day. Not because I don't want to talk to you, but I don't talk to anyone every day.

Its highly unlikely I'd find anyone to have sex with outside a relationship- I've been single 4 years and I haven't had sex for 2 years now, cause there isn't anyone. I need brains, humour and a casual relaxed fit to have sex. I'm fully in support of hook ups, or friendship with benefits, or sex buddies. But I have no idea where I could get that. I don't see anything possible like that for a middle aged femme in my city.

So I would be one of those people who is mostly monogamous that would be fine with poly, depending on how the poly was done. I'm also happy to be someone's secondary these days because then their desire to have a nesting partner and be domestic with someone is already fulfilled. I can be the fun date a couple times a month to go and do great things with, eat great food and then have amazing sex. Then they go home and Argue about taking out the trash with someone who wants to share a bathroom with them.

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Old 09-20-2016, 08:55 PM   #95
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There is ALOT of different politics involved, that's for sure. That is one main thing that keeps me from getting too serious, I have issues dealing with certain things that are involved in a poly/mono.
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Old 09-21-2016, 01:10 AM   #96
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Way back when I first posted in this thread I believe I stated something along the lines of.
It would depend on the type of Poly relationship and frankly the type of person the "mono" individual is. For in my experience there are about as many different types of Poly, many different types of Poly Homes and even Leather Homes.
None of that matters without 100% open communication among all parties from the first that continues. As others have said I don't think jealousy is what could end it. Not if all involved are communicating needs, if all want the relationship, and in my opinion people are either hard wired to be Poly or to be Mono. Every relationship takes works sometimes question is are you and the others willing to do the gut wrenching wrok that may pop up.
Why turn away a chance from being happy unless of course you know you won't be happy.
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Old 09-26-2016, 06:43 PM   #97
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Way back when I first posted in this thread I believe I stated something along the lines of.
It would depend on the type of Poly relationship and frankly the type of person the "mono" individual is. For in my experience there are about as many different types of Poly, many different types of Poly Homes and even Leather Homes.
None of that matters without 100% open communication among all parties from the first that continues. As others have said I don't think jealousy is what could end it. Not if all involved are communicating needs, if all want the relationship, and in my opinion people are either hard wired to be Poly or to be Mono. Every relationship takes works sometimes question is are you and the others willing to do the gut wrenching wrok that may pop up.
Why turn away a chance from being happy unless of course you know you won't be happy.
Taking a chance could be the best thing some folks ever do for themselves and their relationships.
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Old 09-26-2016, 06:48 PM   #98
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I don't agree that jealousy doesn't play a role in couples splitting. It is a symptom of issues in the relationship. Jealousy is alive and well in most of us. We all want to be cherished and poly play can make you feel less then-unless you live in SF then it's just same ole, same ole
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Old 09-26-2016, 07:19 PM   #99
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Originally Posted by kittygrrl View Post
I don't agree that jealousy doesn't play a role in couples splitting. It is a symptom of issues in the relationship. Jealousy is alive and well in most of us. We all want to be cherished and poly play can make you feel less then-unless you live in SF then it's just same ole, same ole
Jealousy happens in any relationship, poly or not.
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Old 09-26-2016, 07:32 PM   #100
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Jealousy happens in any relationship, poly or not.
i'm not sure about that, it really depends, it shouldn't be a given.
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