only another butch would understand

[nytangel]

Originally Posted by Jet

The pain of hearing emasculating things from a woman because she's pissed. Is there anything more hurtful short of a breakup? *Opening a brewski waiting to see thoughts on this*

I've been through hell and back w/ my girl. When things were pretty bad I told her she was just trying to bust my balls. To which she replied I wasn't a genetic male and didn't have any. Took a bit to get past all that. We didn't talk for about a month.

Metro is so right that when peeps get pissed they will say really nasty things. She understand now my duality both male and female in one body.

I'm truly glad that we could work past all that and I'm even more proud to say that not only are we back together we're under 1 roof and more committed than ever to each other.

[nytangel]

Originally Posted by Stoney

I have been reading this thread and I wanted to mention a previous thread right in the beginning. Ol'Jet you said something about being de- masculinized.. ( forgive me if I am saying it wrong) I noticed quite a few people who felt that that was more or less a male ID'd problem. I wanted to mention , that many years ago I was in a relationship with this woman , ( who first represented herself as a femme but really wasnt ,anyways that's another story ) This woman was something else, the butch- femme dynamic in the relationship pretty much flew outthe window the day I moved in with her. that day, I left my home and friends, traveled over 600 miles,had no sleep for days, unloaded a 18 foot truck full of my stuff and my kids into a garage! plus the whole 9 hour drive in a uhaul ( on my birthday) well I just sat down after all that , and I cried.She walked in the bedroom and looked at me and said ' HOPE YOU KNOW k how much you are turnin me off right now, I dont think Ill ever feel the same about you. Some fuckin butch! If I wanted a femme I would have stayed with my ex.( even though I am female Identified I have felt that pain , maybe not the same way but It was a huge blow for some reason, and i was effected by those words deeply. I was always having to prove my " butchiness" with her .

the relationship was very short lived after that day

It messed with my head a long time after that relationship ended. and for a long time every time I cried, her words would resurface.

now I am who I am, I cry, I laugh , I Burp( alot and very well I might add)

now it seems crazy that I let those words hurt me so much and question my very being.. but I definitely had a different mind set back then.

hope this relates,

always enjoy your posts Ol' Jet!

Stoney

Stoney, thank you for posting this. I hate crying worse than anything. I am comfortable in my skin and with who I am, but crying still makes me sometimes feel less. I know that crying is a good release and its very emotionallly healthy to do this. But still that masculine part that dwells in my spirit gets so angry when the water works start. And heaven forbid if my girl can see them even in my eyes. It's not her that makes me feel less ... its me and my own perception / expection of and for me.

[Rockinonahigh]

Since my accident in 07 I havent had any kind of real job so I have made a fue bucks hear and there doing odd careting gigs,giveing rideing lessons ect.I got with this group that is run by the state gov and funded by the feds..sorta like an elder job placement group.I told them I had plenty of clothes to wear to work but they insisted that I go to dress for success..the problem is thay sent me to the womens part of it.I tryed my best to go to the mens dress for sucsess but no mater how I try to explane things to them it never worked,so I just went went along with it all cause I wouldnt be wearing them anyway..they r hanging in my colset and will be there a long time.Then they came up with this womens buisness club than meets once a month,then after the meeting u get more stuff.Where im intrested in the buisness concept of the meeting for the buisness world,I am feeling more and like im giveing up to much of who I am to gain this job.I need to work for many reasons so im just going to deal with it as best as I can ,but it still irks me big time.I hope I made scence with this.

[Greyson]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Since my accident in 07 I havent had any kind of real job so I have made a fue bucks hear and there doing odd careting gigs,giveing rideing lessons ect.I got with this group that is run by the state gov and funded by the feds..sorta like an elder job placement group.I told them I had plenty of clothes to wear to work but they insisted that I go to dress for success..the problem is thay sent me to the womens part of it.I tryed my best to go to the mens dress for sucsess but no mater how I try to explane things to them it never worked,so I just went went along with it all cause I wouldnt be wearing them anyway..they r hanging in my colset and will be there a long time.Then they came up with this womens buisness club than meets once a month,then after the meeting u get more stuff.Where im intrested in the buisness concept of the meeting for the buisness world,I am feeling more and like im giveing up to much of who I am to gain this job.I need to work for many reasons so im just going to deal with it as best as I can ,but it still irks me big time.I hope I made scence with this.

Rockin, I have been in this position. I think many butches, FTMs and others with a biological body that does not "match up" with the expected gender expressions, performance, appearance. It is easier said then done when you are trying to keep a roof over your head, food on the table and the other basics of taking care of yourself and maybe others. I have been to Shreveport and honestly I am not comfortable when I am there because of my gender expression, my obvious queerness. I cannot in good conscious tell you how to handle it. I have not had to live in your situation. I can tell you, I hear you and feel for your situation. However you decide to handle it, know that you are a human being of value and you are part of a larger community that reaches beyond the "norms" and values of Shreveport. Good luck.

[Corkey]

Rockin remember you are not your cloths, do what you need to keep yourself safe and employed. None of us are going to judge you, and those who do don't really matter.

[EnderD_503]

Originally Posted by Rockinonahigh

Since my accident in 07 I havent had any kind of real job so I have made a fue bucks hear and there doing odd careting gigs,giveing rideing lessons ect.I got with this group that is run by the state gov and funded by the feds..sorta like an elder job placement group.I told them I had plenty of clothes to wear to work but they insisted that I go to dress for success..the problem is thay sent me to the womens part of it.I tryed my best to go to the mens dress for sucsess but no mater how I try to explane things to them it never worked,so I just went went along with it all cause I wouldnt be wearing them anyway..they r hanging in my colset and will be there a long time.Then they came up with this womens buisness club than meets once a month,then after the meeting u get more stuff.Where im intrested in the buisness concept of the meeting for the buisness world,I am feeling more and like im giveing up to much of who I am to gain this job.I need to work for many reasons so im just going to deal with it as best as I can ,but it still irks me big time.I hope I made scence with this.

I think most butches/FtMs/etc. have experienced something like what you're describing at some point in life and can sympathise. I know I can understand that feeling you describe of giving up too much of yourself, and I think even those who don't id as such have had to endure that feeling at one point in life. Like others have said, deal with your situation as you think it should be dealt with. We all have to do the same. At the end of the day, staying true to yourself is what's in your mind rather than the unpleasant situations you have to endure.

[Rockinonahigh]

Thanks to all that replyed to my post,and I take your words to heart..Its just been a long time since I had to deal with this sort of thing..ya know I thought being it was now 2010 even hear, it would be a bit less of an issue..gess not.As far as my working situation It wont matter what im wearing to work cause im being issued a jacket to wear at work over whatever I have on wich will be buttondown shirts,and I am wearing dress slacks and appropreate comfy shoes.One thing I found intresting thrue all this was that they have a long full length mirror..well I havent seen myself in one for a while so I was surprised at the body changes from my work outs..I have turned into a weight lifters body so even with the exception of a bit to much belly is better than I had hoped for.