You Knew You Were a Femme When...

[Gemme]

I knew I was femme when I stumbled onto the dash site and sat there, reading pages of definitions and reading oodles of threads on identity and presentation and I had an AHA! moment.

I found myself through others.

The more I read cemented my feeling of finally belonging to something....belonging somewhere...in this world. My unique presentation of femme has been evolving through the years and I'm sure will continue to evolve.

As mentioned, it's not in the hair or clothes or even the mannerisms. For me, it's in the blood.

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Lady Snow,

Girlfriend, I do love the way you think! This brings me back to the first time I tried using a harness and cock to fuck my girlfriend. It was WEIRD, I tell you! But then again, so was the first time I Topped someone, as oppose to being the bottom. Certainly it took some mental work to get into the headspace I thought was needed by me to do that. LOL

I think that Femme can also be cock hangin, boot wearing mean mother fucking... Ma'am!

I don't fuck with a cock because I'm topping, nor do I view being penetrated as bottoming how I enjoy sex (which to me is pleasure nothing to do with the binary) has nothing (for me) to do with my gender (Femme). That's the beauty of it all for me Femme is raw, unapologetic POWER.. That's HOT!

[princessbelle]

Originally Posted by Gemme

I knew I was femme when I stumbled onto the dash site and sat there, reading pages of definitions and reading oodles of threads on identity and presentation and I had an AHA! moment.

I found myself through others.

The more I read cemented my feeling of finally belonging to something....belonging somewhere...in this world. My unique presentation of femme has been evolving through the years and I'm sure will continue to evolve.

As mentioned, it's not in the hair or clothes or even the mannerisms. For me, it's in the blood.

Yes yes!!!!

What a beautiful and significant and life altering line that is Gemme...thank you for that. Isn't that just amazing?

I hardly ever wear heels and i like it that way. I wear t-shirts and shorts and tennis shoes or sandals. I don't even wear dresses all that much and just on special occasions. I wear black jeans and boots and my hair in a pony tail a lot of the time. I don't appologize for that. I am ME. I have some very feminine traits as well and i do not appologize for that either.

We are all so unique and different and united.

How wonderful is that.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Julie

Hi Arkansas,

I just read your post... I came out as a Femme in the late 70's -- Sometime in the early 90's I decided I did not want to be Femme anymore and if anybody referred to me as Femme, I would challenge them. I was tired of being boxed in and tired of people saying I was not a true lesbian. Whatever -- I was not as secure back then. That lasted a few years -- A live in relationship with another Femme was enough for me to say - Screw THIS! I am a Femme who loves Butches and I am not denying it anymore.

I love that statement, "I am a Femme who loves Butches and I am not denying it anymore." You know, that is the same kind of declaration that I made to myself when I came out, that I am a lesbian, I love women, and I am not denying it anymore. I had not felt that kind of empowerment and self truth many times in my life. Awesome!


I dated a butch, she was good for me in one or two ways. I was still teetering on the edge and protective of my identity. She said to me... You can deny you are a Femme all you want (she was much older than I was)... But, just look at the way you stand - perfect ballerina stance (lol) and how you speak your language. No matter what I wore -- Baggy Jeans, workshirt and work boots in the garden... I am Femme. And as Snow said (Cock Wearing) -- Does not make you less of a Femme (remember that older butch - nuff said). Top or Bottom. Femme is Femme. It is the core of our being and at almost 50 -- I am finally not putting up with other people and their bullshit. I am not allowing others to box me in.

"It is the core of our being.." YES! This is at the core of ME, and I will not box myself in or allow anyone to box me in either.


I also remember when I first joined a site (like this - an old one) I felt so out of place. I thought, GOD -- Look at these gorgeous glamorous women... I will never be one of them. I will never look like them. No, I will not ever look like them... I will look like me. Simple Julie. The girl who rarely wears makeup... Who crops her hair. Oh and the girl who just loves her flannel granny (oh so sexy) nightgowns with her ugg boots.

I SOOO relate to this, THANK YOU! (and yeah, I crop my hair short too)

You are beautiful just as you are. None of us are alike and that is what makes us so profoundly amazing.

Julie (and I am so happy to meet you)

So very happy to meet you, Julie!!

[Starbuck]

I've never been a girly girl. I've played sports, wear jeans and t-shirts as every day clothes, but I'm just now getting into "girl clothes" as my daughter puts it (she says she's proud of me ) and it still feels a bit strange; maybe I'm coming into my own as I age. But I've always been attracted to soft butch type women or lipstick lesbians because in a way they have a butchness about them and they look so good too...the best of both worlds, right?

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Starbuck

I've never been a girly girl. I've played sports, wear jeans and t-shirts as every day clothes, but I'm just now getting into "girl clothes" as my daughter puts it (she says she's proud of me ) and it still feels a bit strange; maybe I'm coming into my own as I age. But I've always been attracted to soft butch type women or lipstick lesbians because in a way they have a butchness about them and they look so good too...the best of both worlds, right?

Starbuck,

Thanks for your response. This has me wondering now too, since you ID (and others have too) as a "soft femme". What constitutes a "soft" femme?

Ann

[Starbuck]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Starbuck,

Thanks for your response. This has me wondering now too, since you ID (and others have too) as a "soft femme". What constitutes a "soft" femme?

Ann

Not being a "girly girl", being more of a toolbelt femme, if you will. Does that make sense? I own more tools than some men. I'm a tom boy, I guess, but I have long hair, wear eye make up on occasion, starting to wear girlie tops with my jeans...not a "full" femme in my definition of it all. I don't know if that answers your question.

[Martina]

i discovered femme ID through wanting butches. i was pretty androgynous. In some ways, i still am. i am probably andro on the femme side if one is just using those terms descriptively.

i like the fact that i stretch the definition some. If someone butched me up, i probably could pass as a butch.

Still, i am femme even though i am not that feminine. i am femme even though i will date other femmes. i am femme because i decided i was femme at some point and made it mine.

[AlphaDrug]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Starbuck,

Thanks for your response. This has me wondering now too, since you ID (and others have too) as a "soft femme". What constitutes a "soft" femme?

Ann

Thats the stone-femme vs. soft-femme for me at least. A stone-femme is girly girl 24-7, doesn't leave the house without makeup, wont do activities that might break a nail or mess her hair. Where as a soft-femme is more likely to go hiking, jump into the ocean, risk breaking a nail or fix a toilet, that kind of thing. XD

[The_Lady_Snow]

Originally Posted by AlphaDrug

Thats the stone-femme vs. soft-femme for me at least. A stone-femme is girly girl 24-7, doesn't leave the house without makeup, wont do activities that might break a nail or mess her hair. Where as a soft-femme is more likely to go hiking, jump into the ocean, risk breaking a nail or fix a toilet, that kind of thing. XD

I'm a stone femme till I'm not, it's more when I'm fucking, strapping that it's present. I don't want to be touched *I* want to be the one touching and fucking. If I'm getting blown no matter how deep down the throat my cock is he better keep his balance on his own since I forbid touch. My attire or cosmetics have nothing to do with my stone self. That's just another view of stone.


Lovin' this thread!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by The_Lady_Snow

I'm a stone femme till I'm not, it's more when I'm fucking, strapping that it's present. I don't want to be touched *I* want to be the one touching and fucking. If I'm getting blown no matter how deep down the throat my cock is he better keep his balance on his own since I forbid touch. My attire or cosmetics have nothing to do with my stone self. That's just another view of stone.


Lovin' this thread!

Snow, thanks for your clarification! That is what I thought the definition of Stone was, having more to do with sex than a mindset or look? I knew a woman years ago that ID'd as a Stone Butch, she always told me that was because she did NOT allow anyone to touch her, she only would be the one touching. It had nothing to do with her having a more masculine "look" with her short hair or her body language and stride or the clothing that she wore.
And as others have now written in this thread, being a "soft" femme or a "soft" butch, to Me, may just be the fact that they ID closer to the middle or centrist place on the spectrum, rather than to one extreme or another. Kind of like in politics, not the far right or far left, but a moderate. Does this make sense?

Part of me right now is wondering why we (me?) have such a NEED to pinpoint and label something like this. Put it in a box, so to speak. Do we think we will understand it better, if the idea is safely and tightly locked away inside that box? Silly, huh?

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by AlphaDrug

Thats the stone-femme vs. soft-femme for me at least. A stone-femme is girly girl 24-7, doesn't leave the house without makeup, wont do activities that might break a nail or mess her hair. Where as a soft-femme is more likely to go hiking, jump into the ocean, risk breaking a nail or fix a toilet, that kind of thing. XD

I love the diversity of our community. For me, me being Stone has absolutely NOTHING to do with my physical presentation. I'm Stone 24/7, whether I'm in a dress and heels or barefoot in panties and a tank or while at work in sneaks and a less than desirable uniform.

My Stone identity is like my Femme identity to me. It's an essence, not a presentation. One feels it more than they see it.

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Snow, thanks for your clarification! That is what I thought the definition of Stone was, having more to do with sex than a mindset or look? I knew a woman years ago that ID'd as a Stone Butch, she always told me that was because she did NOT allow anyone to touch her, she only would be the one touching. It had nothing to do with her having a more masculine "look" with her short hair or her body language and stride or the clothing that she wore.
And as others have now written in this thread, being a "soft" femme or a "soft" butch, to Me, may just be the fact that they ID closer to the middle or centrist place on the spectrum, rather than to one extreme or another. Kind of like in politics, not the far right or far left, but a moderate. Does this make sense?

Part of me right now is wondering why we (me?) have such a NEED to pinpoint and label something like this. Put it in a box, so to speak. Do we think we will understand it better, if the idea is safely and tightly locked away inside that box? Silly, huh?

Stone doesn't just have to do with sex. It's most often about boundaries, whether sexual or not. It can also have to do with one's partner and who we will or will not partner with.

See? Diversity!

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

Originally Posted by Martina

i discovered femme ID through wanting butches. i was pretty androgynous. In some ways, i still am. i am probably andro on the femme side if one is just using those terms descriptively.

i like the fact that i stretch the definition some. If someone butched me up, i probably could pass as a butch.

Still, i am femme even though i am not that feminine. i am femme even though i will date other femmes. i am femme because i decided i was femme at some point and made it mine.

This brings to mind the year that I "butched up" for a Halloween costume contest. White t-shirt, leather vest, black jeans, Daddy's cap, fake handlebar mustache, long flogger hanging from my belt. I actually won first place at that contest (noone could believe it was me!) I adopted a stance, adopted a very masculine stride, had a masculine PRESENCE!

What was REALLY hilarious with that get up is the story of me packing, and what happened for THAT! Now I think I am gonna have to hold on to THAT particular story till the Reunion this October. ROFL

[Gemme]

Originally Posted by ArkansasPiscesGrrl

Part of me right now is wondering why we (me?) have such a NEED to pinpoint and label something like this. Put it in a box, so to speak. Do we think we will understand it better, if the idea is safely and tightly locked away inside that box? Silly, huh?

I had to address this individually. For me, it's not putting it in a box. It's creating a deeper understanding of ourselves imo. Some folks don't like labels and to poke and pry into one's identity and presenation and orientation and gender and...and....and....they sometimes feels as if they *are* going into that proverbial box and that the box is restricting them.

I'm an orderly person. OCD about a few things even. I like boxes. I like labels. I like compartmentalization. A lot of folks don't. For me, order helps me to break things down...to examine them...it's probably the one scientific strand of DNA I have exhibiting itself. It's a fashion of sorting, I guess you could say. Learning more about myself helps me learn and understand more about the rest of the world.

[The_Lady_Snow]

What a great way to describe it Gemme, I have many compartments to my Femme... To name a few..

Stone

Daddy

Leather

Master

They are all compartmentalized in their neat little tiny pieces of me who is the main vessel of Femme Fabulousity. Each tiny compartment is a piece of me. It's vital and important... I find Femme to be beautiful regardless of size, shape, race, presentation. We are fierce, feminine, masculine, strong, virile forces of nature... The high low hierarchy drives me bananas, because it leads to a better than and leaves our sister Femme's in a place of questioning.. I'm glad a bunch of us are in here displaying our differences proudly and talking about it, questioning, laughing, discussing and getting to know one another....

[Ms. Meander]

Long ago, I came to know “femme” as an adjective which I applied to myself. Now, I know myself to be Femme, a proper noun. It’s empowering to know who you are. Thank you all for reflecting back the many strong, beautiful, powerful faces of Femme.

[Anastasia]

I am not sure this is where this belongs, but the thread moved me to where I really felt like I had to get this off my chest... I hope I do not offend anyone.

I don't know that I can even say I know I am a femme. When people see me they think straight. When I see me I don't know what I think.
I don't feel gay, I don't feel straight, I don't feel bi, and if I am really honest, I do not know I could define any of those things, much less define something as complex and confusing (to me) as “femme” or “butch.” Based on superficial appearance type criteria and the fact that a lesbian friend of me told me I am femme, that is what I think I am. In day to day life I do not “identify” as anything.

I am hesitant to share this next part because as independent as I like to think I am I do worry about what people will think of me. Here it goes

I am not out.

I chose to disclose this because, for a person that is almost always surrounded by people, I feel pretty alone having no one to talk to about this. The vast majority of my friends are straight and all but one of my lesbian friends think I am straight.

Plus I am here to make friends, not get laid, if I am not honest about who I am how can I expect that to happen? If someone is turned off or offended by my decision, that is their prerogative, and I just say, “Fine. Don’t date me."


The butch thing for me is based on a pretty small sample size. I am honest about the fact I am not out and that leaves me in a pretty small dating pool, limited typically to people that are looking for NSA sex. That is not really my scene, but my life had some dramatic changes about 2 years ago and about 3 months ago I made some decisions that many would condemn me for. As a result, I had my first encounters with women. I have kissed two women (yes, only two total) one was femme and the other was butch (both of these id’s were their own and formed my cursory understanding of these terms based on appearance and attitude)

Before the kisses, I did not know much about either of these women other than the femme was attracted to me and I was attracted to the butch. Kissing the femme did nothing for me and felt awkward (sadly, I did not stop there and she ended up being batshit crazy. The lesson learned: Making decisions with a lonely vagina leads to 60 psychotic emails and texts a day that either started off with “Dear Goddess” or “Dear Heartless Bitch.” Fun times.)

Anyhoo…

Kissing the butch curled my toes, but I had gotten my emotional and psychological teeth kicked in by "the femme" only 3 months before meeting "the butch", so it stayed at only a kiss (ok, so I straddled her lap a bit… did I mention, the toe curling?)

When I see femme women I think, “She is beautiful. I wish I looked like that, walked like that, or dressed like that, etc…”, when I see butch women I think, “She is beautiful. I sure would like her to [censored] and I would sure like to [censored]”

Well, there it is. Any thoughts are appreciated. I have always known I was attracted to women, I just assumed it was something I had to live without. I fucked up and opened Pandora's box and it is all pretty painful and awful right now.

FWIW: If you choose to flame me I think a private message would be best so as to not ruin this great thread. Be warned though, I am tougher than I sound right now.

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

**snippet** I don't know that I can even say I know I am a femme. When people see me they think straight. When I see me I don't know what I think.
I don't feel gay, I don't feel straight, I don't feel bi, and if I am really honest, I do not know I could define any of those things, much less define something as complex and confusing (to me) as “femme” or “butch.” Based on superficial appearance type criteria and the fact that a lesbian friend of me told me I am femme, that is what I think I am. In day to day life I do not “identify” as anything.

I am hesitant to share this next part because as independent as I like to think I am I do worry about what people will think of me. Here it goes

I am not out.


Anastasia~ thanks so much for your courage, your honesty in your post. I can identify with lots. I finally came out later in life, and I personally think (maybe because my path to my own truth took awhile), that we all have our OWN paths to trek. My path is not yours. I also look maddeningly straight. It has been a huge frustration to me, because now that I *AM* out, dammit, I want to be RECOGNIZED! LOL I also had some pre-conceived ideas of what a femme "looked" like, and didn't really think that I fit into that neat little compartment.

Also can relate to the curled toes. A friend of mine once gave me a silly nickname, a knock-off on an Indian name...."She who makes fists with toes"! HA!!

[imperfect_cupcake]

I understood that I was femme when I had been in my first long-term relationship with a woman (been in many flings before that) and I stumbled on what would now be called a blog of a femme who was talking about her ID, whilst I had been looking up various bit of infomation about tg butch, stone butch and butch. I read the blog and suddenly all the struggles I was having with the lesbian community and my own sexuality made sense. And I wasn't the odd one out, there were others like me. So I claimed the ID and found it gave me all kinds of permission to be queer and myself at the same time.