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Old 04-19-2018, 11:08 AM   #2741
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April 19



DROWNING NAKED


Bare and exposed, I laid myself on the altar of my home group. With AA as my only Source, I emptied the contents of my soul and bore the mantle of overexposure. But vultures lurked in many rooms. I was safely guided, by persons of my gender, to the more secluded and effective place of transmission. I thrust myself into the arms and mind of my sponsor. She escorted me up the steps with the door closed and taught me how and when it could be prudently opened. AA is a power greater than me. So is the ocean. Precaution needs to be taken when wading in. Care must be exercised as to how much to bare.


Wrap your intentions in wool to keep them warm and in gold to keep them untarnished.
*



Bound


The reason the sleeves of my disease
wrap around and tie in the back
is so that I will struggle with change.

Alcoholism is my straightjacket
and my goal is that ‘loose garment life’
I’ve heard so much about.

The sweat I work up
from railing against my confining existence
causes petulance, frothing and enervation,

Defeat is the landing on which I collapse,
acceptance a flight of steps away.
My ailment leads me to believe
I have nothing to hold onto as I adjust.

Though this isn’t true,
the fact remains that this is still
a process of letting go.


.
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Old 04-21-2018, 09:41 PM   #2742
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April 20


RANK


I took an area level service position and my sponsor laughed herself off her chair.
“What is your motivation for this?” she asked.
“I want to move up through the service structure,” my reply.
“Are you trying to make rank?”
“Problem with that?" I ask.
“Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy? You will become what you desire. You will become rank and you will stink. The triangle is inverted to help you clean up your act. Don’t get washed away in a tide of ego.”
I put down my swim fins and removed my epaulets.



Listen intently enough to hear the music of the planets spinning in your mind.
*




Bummed
I accept change
like coins slipped into a cup
that sits beside me on the curb.
Never did it occur to me
that I look in need of pity
or alms from strangers;
Which is to say
I don’t accept much these days,
yet I do not fight it either.
I keep my head down
when I can no longer fend off the inevitable.
I may not win control or compliance,
Might not remain strong enough to fight another day,
but this too is a blessing somehow.
A laying down of arms.
Money in my pocket
makes the world a funny place to endure
when I’m living in the tiny room in my head.
What good news it would be
if I learned to throw the windows open
and let the day take me.
This time it’s God
that needs to wear the ear muffs
and lead me through the coldness of change.
On my own I just walk farther
down the blind alleys
and fold myself on this sidewalk in exhaustion.
I don’t like the tea or the sympathy,
but I don’t think I would mind if God took me in.


.
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Old 04-24-2018, 07:34 PM   #2743
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April 24



ESCAPING THROUGH THE CEILING


Up and away is my motto; upwardly mobile is my goal. If I can flee without leaving a track, I’m clean. No heart-wrenching walk down the aisle or the lane. No dust on my shoes. No possibility of stumbling. Grace at all cost. Empowerment through elevation. If I must leave my human plane to attain this, so be it. Give up my natural rights, such is life. But, yet, if I lose my bonds to earth what did the leaving gain me? I arise to appear better; as a result, I appear not at all.


Hold your hand then touch your face.

*



Imperturbable


Perfectionism is a cover,
a blanket of lead;
hard to move and rich with poison.

What it tries to hide
is my unwillingness to struggle and strive.
It’s not a fear of failure,
but the horror of success after a long hot pursuit.

If I can stall on the intricacies of the first move
there is no further movement.
If I can fail before I begin
there is no sweat, no stain, no stink.

Catastrophe is no bother,
but skinned knees are my undoing.
Winning is not so important to me;
my unfortunate goal is to look untroubled.



.
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Old 04-25-2018, 11:35 PM   #2744
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April 25


FEEDING THE MONSTER

Who will feed the monster once they’ve made her? Her hunger burns in her like a beacon. Should I let her starve? Should I put her on rations of old crusts and tepid water? Rebuke her as if she were her own idea? Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes? Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in? Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget? Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough? When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger, what do I say?
“It’s for your own good.”
Well, that’s what ‘They’ said, too.


Round the corners and square your shoulders.

*


Blinded


Alcoholism hits me like a kind of blindness.
I stagger through the living room
cursing anyone who changes familiar placement
or published timetables.

Like every aspect of this disease
shocked sightlessness is mine to deal with.
I must pick up the white cane,
procure the Seeing Eye pup,
learn to read clustered Braille.

When my vision clears
in these well worked spaces I am relieved
but I must accept that when I walk into a new room
more often then not I will be blind again
and must pick up my walking stick once more.




.
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Old 04-26-2018, 11:59 AM   #2745
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April 26



HOW THINGS SEEM


Not everyone who pushes me down is my enemy and not everyone who pulls me up is my friend. I have been seduced by the closeness of people who used me as their shield. When I have been held in the place of honor, the point man of life, I forgot that made me the replacement target for the one who stood behind me. I had been offended as I was thrown to the ground. The hands that shoved me, I saw as my rejecters. I was spared the tragedy and peril of the thing that flew by my ear thanks only to the grace of a thrust in the right direction. Accurate appraisal is my weakness. Seeing things for what they are is hard. Things are rarely how they seem.


Grow tall with your grain and the years will grow around you.

*


Would You Rather a Lamp?

I am a girl filled with expectations.
Like a ginger jar filled, stuffed caulker block full,
though the filling is the part which is unpredictable;

It could be match books, or seashells,
acorns or all those pretty capsules.
This makes me erratic and sometimes volatile.

Are you strong enough or far too sane
to stay and help me sort the contents?
It’s lonely work without a witness or a spotter.

I rather be alone than with you reluctantly,
so please try to shuck that husk and remain.
Yes, I am sometimes capricious, but I try never to be cruel.

I know sometimes you convince yourself
that leaving me to my own devices is the wisest of courses,
but don’t be fooled;

You disappear due to your weakness not strength
and the worst part about the price of abandonment
is that everyone has to pay it.



.
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Old 04-26-2018, 01:07 PM   #2746
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By the grace of a power greater than myself and some awesome people that check me when I need it and love me when I’m not so loveable, I reached my 24 year milestone three days ago. I am truly grateful for the many lessons, gifts, and opportunities for personal growth that have been bestowed upon me thus far.
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Old 04-27-2018, 10:03 PM   #2747
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April 27



SERVICE AND SACRIFICE


The difference between life and death in my recovery is the equal difference between service and sacrifice. If I offer you what is in my hand, fine. If I also give you my fingertips, I am lost. Service lightens the load in my heart; sacrifice removes my tools for living. When I go into debt for your existence, the cheer and optimism is sucked from my awareness. My eyes go dead and soon I follow. The cingulotomy of obligation crucifies my future and murders true hope and love. Service feeds my heart and yours. Renovating makes space. It builds the muscles for joy and contentment, pumping and refilling my plate with spirituality.



Wriggle your toes and flex your mind.
*



Perkiomenville

Being actually alive does not feel as good as I imagined
the relief of not being dead would feel
therefore I have anxiety and dread,
or is it disappointment.

I feel like a failure when I am in the process of trying
I want to throw the pieces in the air and run.
Does this mean I’m weak
or does it mean I am frightened?

Is there some heavenly host of other reasons
why my crêpe paper soul twists and turns
in the breeze of the marketplace?

Some part of me was auctioned off
and its removal left a psychic scar
that even equanimity cannot ease.

I am all things wonderful and yet there is this flaw,
this toe tied thread which holds me back,
holds me down with painful accurate precision.

I look for the knife with which to cut it
all the while wondering if this will turn it into
a toe tag or a price tag.



.
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Old 04-28-2018, 01:27 PM   #2748
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April 28



CHAPTER AND VERSE


I remember being trained and rehearsed for finding the words which would release my soul from bondage. The scrupulous concern for detail pointed me to heaven. And yet I drank. Inside these rooms the path is wide, judgment is suspended and I have the right to be wrong. The penalties for error can be great but the privilege and risk are mine. As in all things, the extremists come. They have come to this place, too. Thumpers hound and belittle, threaten and cajole. They tell page numbers like punch lines and narrow the field at every opportunity. I can’t stay sober sitting on my old stool and I can’t maintain this desire by their chapter and their verse.


Notes are numbers, so count out your time and sing your song.

*

Jane Street

The space between wanting to live
and not wanting to hurt
is the alley in which I live.
This lane is not as narrow as you might think,

In some places there is room for parking on one side.
Since I reside here more often than not
I have filled it with many of the appliances,
which allow me to pretend at life.

It doesn’t afford a truly clean or cheerful locale,
but there are laughs, sometimes flowers in the spring.
Finding my way out of this is tricky.

When unlocked I find these are backdoors to commerce
and though better than being sold wholesale,
retail is not what I was hoping to find
as I wrest myself from a confined existence.

I have heard of those who
drive through plate glass ignoring the structure.
I think this is less workable from the back.

What is left when I can’t bully or climb?
I guess I will have to throw my hands up and pray.




.
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Old 04-30-2018, 03:51 AM   #2749
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April 29


WHEN A SNAPPER CROSSES THE ROAD


What should I do? I see the soggy green/gray lump creeping the macadam too slow to survive for long. The surge in me, to aim and end the duckling eater's life, is a short-lived but palpable surge. My Disney style justice is dismissed but heard from nonetheless. Shall I pull over and assist? This turtle is as ill equipped for this stretch of road as I am ill equipped to aid in its conveyance. Should I reach with fingers or toes to something I know can extend its neck and sever me from parts I hold dear? The ever-present missionary in me has spoken and is silenced. In fact, what I can do is slow down and give wide berth. I know this creature is a danger, but never more so than me.


Plot your graph and measure your curve.
*


Terry Bradshaw

When someone wants to take the easy way out
I condemn them for wanting ease
and fail to register that they want out.
I hear a whine when in fact it’s a cry.

A challenge is rarely passed up by the able bodied,
but must be foregone by the injured.
Carried from the field is no personal victory,
not a goal for sure.

When I would rather watch than play
I need to check for wounds not inflict them.
It is not natural for me to sit in the stands,
but accusation is never the way to get me on the field.

Suit up when I’m whole and hide when I’m not.
Absence is a fallback position for the fallen
I have to help myself to get back up.


.
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Old 05-01-2018, 02:50 AM   #2750
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April 30



PINK CLOUD

When the pink cloud lands in my valley, my task is to walk. The pleasure of its presence can never outweigh the practice this cloud affords me. I walk in a haze of cherry blossom lightness; the future is a blur I do not fear. Forward motion seeds my inertia; my gyroscope is set. When dark clouds gather and the way is overshadowed, I will keep on. When the test begins and I must proceed in the obscurity of night, the lively steps of pink-cloud days will cheer and empower me. I can embed my future with right action and bank the confidence I feel today, saving it for the rain swept days that come to everyone. Progress is positive even when made in bliss.


Get a cozy blanket for the times when the answers don’t come.
*


Reguess

When in my sarcasm
I suggested that you ‘guess again’,
I realized that you were in fact guessing,
guessing about everything,

Guessing in order to create a process of elimination,
a tool on which I now recognize you entirely depend.
Guessing as a way of life is a tragedy.

I’m not saying that trying to know every last thing in the world
is an acceptable alternate goal, but to reach an adult age
and not even be able to work your way up to a possible hunch
is scary, scarier than even my sarcasm,

Which at this moment seems interminable,
but I’m sure you guessed that.



.
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Old 05-02-2018, 12:41 AM   #2751
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May 1

HOLD CARD



My bottom pulled my hold card to the table top. I turned it over and found I have a bit of value. Each time I turned over my will, my value increased. After many spins, the face cards appear; I’m the Jack, the Queen, the King. I revel in the time and practice it has taken to get here. I play my hand and take my chances. I have been privileged to pair with wonderful sober partners who turn themselves over and transform before my eyes. The years raise the ante and I play close to my chest. The stakes are high and if I turn in the wrong direction, I can be the Joker once again.


Smell your meals before you eat them.
*
Leap Day

When winter is almost at an end it becomes beautiful;
a theoretical thing, which though it may hurt you,
can not hurt you for long,
therefore is safely appreciated by mere mortals.
You don't have to beg for God's own protection,


Time has become a friend and winter only a show.
I will soon wake from this chilling fright,
will in fact thaw from it in short order
and needn’t fret though chilblains
still catch at me now and then.

I can stand at the window
admiring frost and ice formed lace;
intricate patterns whose beauty will soon be lost to me,

Put away in favor of crocus and daffodil.
The terrible loveliness of soon to pass trauma
is not lost on my hyper-vigilance
I grasp it, I just can’t seem to let it rest.


.
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Old 05-02-2018, 09:10 PM   #2752
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May 2



THE MEAL


Home cooking is the key. I want to order in, have my life delivered to the door. The takeout menus entice me. From three courses on china to burgers handed through sliding windows, it all sounds good and I request all for take home. But this is not the way. I must light the flame and chop the veg. I can’t have a life prepared by others. I can share recipes and suggestions; this is help not displacement. I can stand and cook with others and together make the feast. I cannot sit and wait to be served. I stand at the range while the sauce simmers and it comes clear; I am my own meal.


Nothingness won’t necessarily consume you but it does block the view.


*
TWC


I wake early and watch the lazy rain
fall in slow fat random drops.
I view it with silent awe,
only part of my recently somnolent mind bewildered.

Dawn advances toward me and I register a new concept:
snow, it is snow; the sky had been,
too dark to allow me to see the white,
all I could comprehend was the fall.

The lighter the sky becomes
the more the precipitation behaves like snowfall.
I muse this to my sponsor and she laughed,
“Well, we all misname things in the dark,
Sweetie, lighten up and give yourself a break.”




.
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Old 05-06-2018, 09:41 AM   #2753
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May 5

TRANSITIONS


During the months of winter, the trees stand tall and leafless---static in their appearance, frozen in direction. The insurgence of spring brings to life the truth. The buds and flowers show the draw of their owners---the pull of life from the earth and sky. Other trees have begun to restore the gifts so graciously given. These leafless giants open themselves as home and sustenance to the surrounding community---returning favors and flavors, coming to terms with wholeness. Celebrations of all I have call for me to give it all back, even during the time when we all look the same.


Always step out of the spotlight before it burns you.
*




Pinocchio as a Girl



I should be painting today
instead of reframing the future,
an unnecessary and ephemeral job at best.
Kind of like lassoing an unborn colt,
I try to put a rope around something that cannot get away.

Outcome hasn’t much to do with foregone conclusion
and wouldn’t I be better mixing colors and wetting brushes
than cutting slices from a pie in the sky?

But tomorrow seems more spacious than this crowded present
and I con myself into believing this is a harmless trip to the fair.
I lose my light, my thought, my sight with these thieving sojourns;
leaving me to creak around because all that is left is wood.


.
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Old 05-06-2018, 11:34 PM   #2754
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May 6

STREET SIGNS

Hanging out on the corner of Disillusion Boulevard and Grief Road, then returning to that special spot on Despair Avenue, was my daily routine. I made the circle and never looked far afield. Widening my circuit allowed me to find Anticipation Place and Hopeful Terrace. I pushed my search and found roads, whose existence I never fathomed, intersecting, creating areas of intrigue. Optimism Court interfacing with Realization Way is the fairest of my finds, but many a fine street corner has me lurking, catching stray sunshine and encouragement. I make my home wherever the hospitality is available and return less often to the dark and stifling places of the past. Happiness is where you find it. Just make sure to read the signs.


Exponential growth is a little thing that affects you in a big way.
*
A Good Ship

Recently my life has taken on a surreal quality.
I stand in front of myself
as if I were a business to be run
or a project to be undertaken.

The intensity, uncertainty and drama
seem to be on the wane.
There are choices to be made
and outcomes to be determined.

This is all work and numbers,
nothing at risk below the skin.
My heart is secure, true love its protector,
faith its inborn light.

I am docked in safety harbor;
the waves may rock me,
but my anchor holds me fast.

.
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Old 05-06-2018, 11:41 PM   #2755
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May 7

K-TURNS


I do not believe in a universe that makes complete sense. I often find myself trapped because the things I pull into no longer feel firm. I attempt K-turns in alleys far too narrow for the maneuver. I can’t back myself through the passages I plunged into willingly. My faith doesn’t compute in reverse and I find this disconcerting. I may walk into the face of fire but find it impossible to turn my back on the flames. Today, a one-way faith is fine as long as I am moving forward.


Allow talents to unfold like spring leaves.
*


The Little Black Dress


The holes in my pockets cause me to feel naked.
Though it is an inside pocket
and no one can see I still feel exposed,

My thinking changed and for that matter chained,
one link looped through the next.
I start with a hole in my pocket
so I know I can’t stay in this dress all day.

I know I will need the storage later as time wears on
but I can’t change now
and I don’t want to waste time putting on my tights.

My legs are cold. I fly from room to room.
I gather my keys, but forget my phone.
I am bare legged and unreachable,
overexposed due to a hole in my pocket.


.
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Old 05-08-2018, 01:26 PM   #2756
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May 8

THE SHINY THING
The starling stands with the candy wrapper in its beak; the cellophane flexes in the breeze. Here is my life. I have the shiny thing in my possession. What do I do? Do I give up my intended tasks to attempt dominance or control of the shiny thing? Do I release this thing of intrigue and beauty? I am drawn to the shimmer and sparkle but shudder at the price. The world is filled with shiny things. I can enjoy them but leave them where they lay.


Play the tune but change the lyrics.

*
More Than a Fedora

I have no explanations only expletives,
I wish I had something to say
that you wished to hear,
but that is not current events;

Foul humored broadcasts are what fill the air this day.
Bad temper is tempting,
but I can no longer be satisfied in this way
nor is this a performance that you care to witness.

I will play FCC to my ruminations
curtailing this colorful darkness for my benefit
and the clearing of the air.

I have never shied from dramatic vocabulary
and I do not now,
but throwing out words is waste
and I am learning to conserve.

I don’t have to leak my power
I can cover my head
and close my mouth.





.
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Old 05-09-2018, 08:12 AM   #2757
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May 9



ROLES


“You don’t have to give up playing God because it was a bad thing to do," said my sponsor in her most gentle voice. “You have to give it up because it doesn’t work. In a world seemingly spinning out of control, you, brave child, stepped up to the plate and took a swing. That is heroic, not demonic, but impractical nevertheless. You have to be your own full-time job even when it feels like there are other jobs left unfilled. You don’t have to run around finding the feet that fit those empty shoes, either. Maybe those empty shoes are just bait for a bad trap. Keep on your journey and I think you will come to a place where the work is being accomplished by a surprising cast of characters. You will be free to stick to the role ahead of you.”


Taste your thoughts carefully and spit out the rancid ones.
*

Out Standing in My Field

Trying to remove expectations is like trying to unseed a field;
it is damn near impossible until something crops up,
though when it does I must act swiftly lest things take root.

Tedious as it is weeding the fields
of unreasonable expectancy saves me from
so much frustration later on.

I don’t recognize it
but expectations are like little dictators forever ruling me,
leaving no room for God or direction,
not to mention flexibility or change.

Tap roots dive for the vein
and my life depends on fleet elimination of unsuitable desire.
I can want. I can strive.
I can not leave expectations to grow in my garden.



.
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Old 05-10-2018, 06:52 PM   #2758
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May 10

THE 24 HOUR GOD

Matching a loving God to the horrors of my past has proved impossible for me. Projecting a connection to an all-powerful God of the ever-foreshortening future seems implausible. In today, I see a nurturing God. Not an all purpose God, not a God who serves all. In my life, there is a God I trust today. Each morning, when I wake, it is a pleasant surprise to find a God. Not an expansive God, not a God to fit the continuum, but a nice neat God who fits right in this 24.


Lift your fingers to your scars and feel the gratitude.

*
Box-a-week Tao


I am going through so many changes
surrounding the cleaning out and getting rid of process.
The flat sided panic that I experience
while even attempting the smallest disposal seems impossible.

I would deny it if I didn't have the repetition
of this experiment to prove it as fact.
I have now moved into the part of the illness
where I compulsively clean the things that I have emptied
in order to avoid facing the next step, the next box, the next mess.

This is a two part trap:
Part 1. If cleaning can absorb all the time
I will not be able to do anything else.

Part 2. If I can't keep it clean enough
then I have an excuse to give up
and not empty the next space.

I am trying to keep moving without being mean to myself.
Because mean is worse than mess.



.
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Old 05-12-2018, 05:33 PM   #2759
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May 11



ON-COMING

Anticipation of the approaching traffic consumes. The tiny spec grows and develops into the arriving vehicle. 50 miles per and the rapid succession of the coming and those leaving eats quickly at my heart. The pain seers me. Why are these who travel from the direction of my destination passing me by? For miles and miles, they appear to be greeters. The breeze created by their passing chaps my face and I question my goals. How can so many abandon my objective? But flee it they do. My hunger does not diminish and I press on. Of course if we all went this way, we might tip the globe. Maybe that’s what they fear.


Smile with your eyes, laugh with your hands, rest your heart, ease your mind.

*


Be That Girl

I have tried to protect the investment I made in the past
by selling the soul of my future.
I arrived self-possessed, a winning girl,
but I slid the self from the scene leaving me simply possessed.

I gained everything then lost it a piece at a time
starting with the parts nearest my heart.
I must draw the shards together once more
and mend this lovely crystal.

The art of living is insured by my action
not by grasping at slivers in terror
of what slips from my fingers.

I am what I have inviolate
and all else comes to fruition when I am pleased;
when I am myself.



.
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Old 05-12-2018, 05:43 PM   #2760
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May 12



MY SOBER HEART

The heart I have today is not the heart I have had all my life. Cells age and are replaced. I slough off what I can no longer use and rejuvenate with fresh layers. My sobriety is the same. Past step work is revamped and approached in innovative ways. Yesterday's prayers are replaced with today’s; today’s meditations will be dispelled by tomorrow’s. The function remains the same but it is constructed with brand new work. Service I render is always for my sobriety but I work to strengthen various quadrants. My heart is not as young as it used to be and vigorous action remakes it new each day. I rebuild my sober heart continually because forever and today I have the mind of an alcoholic.


Time your thinking so it can fire your mind.



*
No Stone Left Behind


An anchor attaches at the lower extremities stabilizing me,
an albatross is the thing weighing me down from the top,
it tips me, throws me to the ground.

I must remember to choose ferrous instruments
over long necked birds.
Often it’s not the amount of drag, but where it’s affixed.

There are so many variables,
so much to think through, yet I often react
and pick up what seems as harmless as a flock of sea gulls

And turns out to be worse than an iron maiden.
Leaving not tern unstoned is bad,
but do I really have the time to do it the other way around?


.
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