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Old 11-19-2013, 05:34 PM   #41
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Is there some type of community center that is open to the elderly during the day near you so you can get your mom some activity going like being around folks her age and playing dominos and card games , bingo, etc. That tends to help if you can find some stuff for her to do during the day. Here where I live, the elders get together and do those things so they aren't stuck at home bored and such. They can visit and talk, etc. I kinda figured that your mom was as you described above. She's bitter about not being able to work. Heck, it might even help if you got her into therapy if you could so she can talk to someone else besides you about how she's feeling. My mom doesn't think she needs any help so I have no way to get her behavior any better, so It's me that gets the therapy.
I get you when you need to have a life of your own and need not to be smothered by your mom. I think I"d go nuts if my mom smothered me on top of all the other stuff that goes on. I KNOW I'd lose my coping skills in some way. When I Lived with her, it was worse than it is now, so I moved out, couldn't take it anymore. It's better than it was at least for now.

This past year, my sister bought a place that she remodeled, in TN down the road about 10 mins from her house, so she could try to convince mom to move into so she could be closer to her when she needed to be. I"m game for her moving, but mom is adamantly saying NO WAY. She doesn't understand that she can't afford to move into low income housing and her house is falling apart due to termites over the years. I"ve done all I can do with keeping if livable, but the time is coming soon that she will need to move out of it. Thanksgiving my sister will be here a week staying at mom's and I'm sure she's going to talk to her once again about her moving to TN to live in that home she got her and fixed up. It's in excellent shape and is on a beautiful piece of property. Mom could live there and not have to pay rent, just bills and if she can't afford all of them, my sister would help her pay them. I hope that she comes to realize that it's the ONLY option she's got. I can't help her financially.

Trust me i've thought of this. My mom is only 75. She does not resonate with older folks and has never, ever had friends. She won't go anywhere unless it's with me or someone close.
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Old 11-19-2013, 05:40 PM   #42
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Does a bus line run close to your home? Is there somewhere she could volunteer? It sounds like she felt useful at work and if she could be useful again, maybe that would cut down on some of the vinegar that you're on the brunt end of.
i've thought of this too. She can drive around here so that's not the issue. i've mentioned volunteering and doing stuff. She does not feel well everyday and her immunity is still VERY bad, still she could do ANYthng but sit around here feeling sorry for herself, waiting for me to walk in.


BUT if it were her idea to do ANYthing i would not care, at least she would have some sort of quality of life.


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Old 11-19-2013, 05:45 PM   #43
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Trust me i've thought of this. My mom is only 75. She does not resonate with older folks and has never, ever had friends. She won't go anywhere unless it's with me or someone close.
I hear ya, my mom is 72 and hates visiting anyone. She doesn't have any friends that she talks to and mostly it's ME and I hear the same stories ,etc all the time. Wears me out as I'm sure it does you as well.I wonder why it is that our 2 moms are like this? It's like they don't wanna do nothing to make themselves happy at all or bring them joy. Almost like it's TABOO for them. SMH*

OH and I'm still having to deal with mom's benefits issues. Damn social security hasn't done entered into the computer the manual request for medicaid so mom's benefits are restored and so I can get Austin health and Human services to FIX the problems with her benefits and benefit amounts. This is a fucking nightmare. I've contacted my state senator and gotten them involved in it and now today contacted my local congressman to get them involved in this and to make a formal complaint on mom's behalf that there is a fucking problem with the system checks and balances betweent the VA computer matching program and Social Security Doubling the benefits and knocking her out of SSI benefits which in turn cause the fucking nightmarish snowball effect for ALL of her state benefits. Hopefully sometime next week this will ALL be resolved so she is restored in the system BEFORE DEC> 1st when her benefits are due to come for that month. And BEFORE THE END OF NOV 30th when they are to STOP existing for her.
I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone I hated ..........just saying.
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Old 11-21-2013, 07:40 PM   #44
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ok, I"ve been running my ass off this week to take care of sending paperwork and make phone calls to diff. agencies to help mom get her benefits back. Today, I was so damned tired I laid down to take a short nap, and slept for over 4.5 hours. I think my body and mind just needed to shut the hell down and regroup because of all the stress. I woke up still feeling tired though and I hope I can sleep tonight. I know when this is all over with in the next few months, omg that long?, I will probably sleep for a freaking week, just to regroup. UGH.
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Old 11-21-2013, 09:36 PM   #45
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Even with all the stress, smothering and clinging on to me for dear life i am thankful that my mom isn't as sick as she was and will enjoy a nice holiday with the family together again.

Last year she was pretty much near death and none of us really knew. She hid it well. She told me she is very afraid of dying. i know she thinks about it a lot.
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Old 11-22-2013, 02:37 AM   #46
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It took me a while to catch up, but I'll toss in a couple notes. When I was trying to figure out how wait on disability to kick in (still waiting) I started looking up state agencies for aide, and my pharmacy and my doctor worked out something where I get all but one of my meds for free. The other one I pay seventy five dollars a month for. That's a four hundred dollar a month burden lifted from my shoulders.

The other program was with NE state social services. They set me up with foodstamps, and Medicaid for my wifes' son, we are still working on me and my wifes' Medicaid. They also gave us utility assistance, it was only like four hundred dollars for the entire year, but believe me, that was very helpful because I live in a very cold place when winter hits.

I have totally humbled myself while I wait for my long term disability to recognize my inability to work, and for my SSD to kick in, and I called every charitable organization in my city, including churches to see what sorts of aide I could get. One place that was invaluable was a place that rents out things like wheelchairs and reclining chairs that help you stand, and oxygen concentrators. My concentrator costs me four hundred dollars a month to rent it out, but I'm working something out with them right now since I no longer have insurance. If that doesn't go through, I'll go back to the place I got my wheelchair from and rent that concentrator they have for like fifty dollars a year.

Call everyone, even your local YWCA and see if they have any programs to help an elderly woman and give them your specifics. I've even been offered a weekly class for free on dealing with my disability stress. At one of the hospitals they have a special swimming pool for disabled people and I'm waiting to be notified of my SSD before I can apply to use the pool. Now remember, I'm the caregivee, not the caregiver, but I'm sure they'll have something for you as well. There are plenty of potlucks and meetings for caregivers in my community, you really just need to check around.

My AARP newsletter and the AARP site also had a ton of information about services available to me and my caregiving wife. Don't forget to give them a shout out.
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Old 11-26-2013, 12:07 AM   #47
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OK, good news: My mom's state benefits have been reinstated as of today, but they are still working on reinstating ALL of her food stamp benefits like she had before in the special SNAP Cap program. Since I had to re-enroll her for Snap, they cut her food stamps down from 65 to 29 without the special program she was in. So, they are working on that part of the last thing to fix, and I Hope they can give them all back to her, she needs every bit of them she can qualify for under that program.The Bad News: My sister found out my mom's SSI check and Social Security check will both be late in December and the only thing on time will be her tiny VA check on the 1st of Dec. So, my sister took mom to walmart and got her some stuff she needed and I hope she went to the grocery store as well. I'll be helping mom with money come the 3rd of Dec when I get my own disability check so if she needs anything else, she wont be going without.
My younger sister and family are down from TN for Thanksgiving, and are staying at mom's so, no stress on me having them in my 1bdrm apt. I"m happy she was able to come down because we wouldn't get to see her for Christmas this year.

Dad is coming down day after Thanksgiving to stay with me for a week, that's a bit stressful, but I"m going to try and make the most of it, I haven't seen him in a few months and he's had another stint put in this past month. He's only got the upper part of his heart that works due to a major heart attack years ago causing the lower half not to pump. He is not that healthy with a bad heart, but he gets around ok. He's also diabetic and starting to lose his eyesight in his right eye he had surgery on it a couple years ago that didn't help any. I"m glad I get to see him and spend time with him. At anytime, he could have another major heart attack and I could lose him. I wish grandma was coming with him, but she's staying home and is going to enjoy her time alone from dad. She deserves it since dad can be a real pain in the ass to her.
Anywho, I hope all of you have a Happy Thanksgiving and are able to share it with loving family and friends.
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:20 PM   #48
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I finally got my mom re-instated for her medicaid, medicare savings program, etc and still working on her Snap food stamps.....I just have to wait 48hrs to see if they are activated by then. By Jan.1, her Snap foodstamp benefits should be all on one card and not 2 because they had to do a supplement to make sure she gets her full amount she is due like she had before all this stuff got messed up. I'm glad the Congressman and State Senators for my district were able to assist in the matter and getting things going again. I'm grateful for their help. It's been very frustrating. My younger sister spoke to a head supervisor at social security and got them looking into the matter of the doubling of benefits to see if it's human error or computer issues. I also have my congressman and state rep. working to see if that is a nationwide problem. I hope it's not, if it is, man o man, it's affected thousands that are on SSI and VA widows benefits. I just hope it's fixed before Jan.1st so it doesn't happen again with the cola raises.

Hope everyone else is doing great !
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:44 PM   #49
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My mother could benefit from the new programs offered but she is too stubborn to even look at them. She's happy with the insurance she pays for each month so i am leaving that subject alone.

Things have gotten much better. She waits i be invited after work at least. She still has absolutely no life outside of me but i cannot fix that. She has offers and could reach out but she won't. i just go on about my business and include her when i want to.

Its a sad existence but its all her choice. It weighs heavy on me but its much better.
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Old 12-04-2013, 06:47 PM   #50
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A quick note.In the doctors offices there is a magazine that has all kinds of agencies with phone numbers to a lot of services both nationaly as well as state wide,I can't remember the name of it but I haven't seen an office that didn't have a bunch of them..take one it's free.
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Old 12-10-2013, 08:07 PM   #51
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So are all the other caregivers doing ok lately? I'm doing well so far. MUCH LESS stressed since I got mom's benefits all restored so far, we'll see how things go in Jan. 2014 when cola raises are here.

I hope all of you are having a much less stressful month this month, despite the holidays being upon us and that you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
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Old 12-10-2013, 08:38 PM   #52
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The weekends are a challenge for me. My mother waits for me to open the door to let my dog out to pounce on me and she does not let go for two days straight. She comes in and i have to fight to get her back out again. Her apartment is so damn nice, its very upsetting to me that she is so unhappy in it. i worked so hard to make it a place of her own that she can do whatever she wants in and afford to stay somewhere besides a home.

i told her that i needed to make a call.. HINT HINT go home! She will leave with a *ok i'm going to give you your SPACE*.. or *i'm aggravating you aren't i????*.. or *ok i'm going so you can have your privacy*

Just once can't she go because she likes being in HER own space? Why make a comment?? Just go and be glad that we've spent the day together. Nope, there is non of that, just snark. The only time she is happy is when we are out shopping or hanging out. i keep thinking if i do the things she wants and needs to do she will back off, that does not work, as soon as we are done with one thing she is ready to do something else. She is miserable here and bored to death because her fear of the world keeps her locked up. She lives literally 10 feet from my back door and locks herself in anytime she is there.

i keep hearing that one day i will be sorry i am being this way because she won't be around. i am sure that is true,but right now, in this moment i feel smothered. AND i did this to myself.

She only wants to socialize if i bring her, she won't drive to see the family but pushes me to bring her. i am trying to understand what the problem is.
She does nothing to enjoy herself in her place/space. Just sits and stares at the TV if she is in there. There is no *homely* feeling in there, its just a place she hides until she sees me and runs over here.

AND of course the guilt over the way i feel weighs heavy on me.
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Old 12-10-2013, 08:55 PM   #53
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Dee, maybe take her to see a therapist during the week? I think if you set up an appt. for her and take her, and explain to the therapist what's going on, maybe she/he could help. Just don't tell your mom it's a therapist. It's time to do something so you don't regret anything you have done and time to do something about the issues at hand so your mom understands too and possibly gets that in her head as well. I'm so sorry you're feeling so much guilt about what you feel you need to do for your own sanity, I hear ya, I had to see a therapist on my own just to get through some things about my own mom. I hope you will consider this and see about getting help like this. I think you will possibly get some relief going. Her Medicare will cover the cost of seeing a therapist less a copay of 20 percent if she's on Original Medicare and not a Medicare advantage plan, otherwise if it's Med. Advantage plan then it's whatever her copay is for them. (If she has only the Red White and Blue Medicare Card that's Original Medicare).

What my sister and I are trying to get our mom to understand is that her damn house is falling apart and she can't afford to live in a reduced income apt. because she doesn't make enough to make ends meet without rent already, and my sister bought her a home but it's in TN, and mom refuses to move there to be near my younger sister and leave me or my older sister here in TX. She's stubborn and doesn't understand what we try to do for HER, Especially what my sister has done. So, we just have to wait and see what happens with the house she's living in to fall in or something drastic to get her to move to TN. I just hope one day soon, she will come to appreciate the new home and want to move into it and move there.
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Old 12-10-2013, 09:01 PM   #54
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Thank you but there is NO way on Gods green earth my mother would go to a therapist.

But i could use one!
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Old 12-10-2013, 09:05 PM   #55
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Thank you but there is NO way on Gods green earth my mother would go to a therapist.

But i could use one!
Then by all means, go and get some relief for yourself and bounce some stuff of them, maybe there's something they can come up with to get your mom to be more active. Have you tried taking your mom to a seniors activity center on the weekends to see if there is any activities going on and get her comfortable enough to meet people and maybe start going? I dunno.

PS. My mom won't see a therapist either, that's why I WENT. lol
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Old 12-10-2013, 09:47 PM   #56
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I have never really thought about the fact that I act as a caregiver until recently, when a specialist we were seeing suggested I might look into getting a caregiver to help give me a break.... I have a 9 year old son with high functioning Autism Spectrum Disorder, ADHD, and an impulse control disorder.

Its a lot of work, and a whole lot of stress... I am just going to follow along for now.
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Old 12-13-2013, 11:46 AM   #57
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I just had some ideas Dee:
what if you talked with your mom and designated certain days she can come over and you two can play board games or card games together or regular dominoes? Maybe you can set up a few days a week that you can get your mom to start playing those games with you and in time, if she enjoys it, then you can ease her into going out to the local community center to play them with others her age group?

Or get her to volunteer with meals on wheels. If she doesn't drive she might be able to get someone in the area that does this, to pick her up and she can help prepare meals or even deliver food with someone, for those that need it.??
Just a couple Ideas that I hope might work for ya.
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Old 12-13-2013, 01:31 PM   #58
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I wanted to send out some hugs to all the carers around here just now.
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Old 12-13-2013, 01:48 PM   #59
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I"m lucky my mom still does things on her own without me. She's pretty independent in that regard to getting around and doing stuff . I do however have to drive her to doctor appts out of town, she becomes a nervous wreck when in major traffic or going long distances. I take care of her needs when things with the home are concerned, if she needs anything personal and cannot afford it, mom comes first for me. I am the only one here that is willing to stay here and help her when she needs someone. My older sister lives 5 hrs away and is stubborn and hardly even calls mom anymore. My younger sister lives in TN and takes care of everything else mom needs such as roofing materials I need to put on the house to stop leaks, etc, and any major stuff like that that I cannot afford to do, but I do the labor work in return. I work to keep mom's car up to date and check it all the time, change the oil, tune it up, rotate the tires, etc. I just went through an ordeal with her losing all her major benefits and getting them reinstated. Finally, they seem to be alright for now, but we'll see come next month if they get screwed up again. Geeze I hope not. That was a nightmare to take care of. Anywho, I do what I do for my mom because she's the only mom I have and I love her, but I just can't live with her. We don't get along in that regard living together. Mom has OCD really bad and anything I do like wear socks or shoes in the house drives her mad crazy and she just loses it. LOL, so I live 15 miles from her, and keep my own sanity, and give her her own space she needs. It's best this way.
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Old 12-13-2013, 02:04 PM   #60
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Thank you for the welcome TruTexan.

Everything you describe sounds so familiar to me, I read your posts about the benefits mistake, I feel like I'm reliving all that frustration just hearing about your situation. Keeping calm and continually doing what needs done, in addition to all your own stuff, is not easy.

Keeping her car ok, I used to wonder why I did that for my ex when she didn't drive it for years but I did it anyway, the hospital appointments, always so many of them, one of the good things about all my ex's stays in hospital was that at least I didn't have to keep driving her there, how messed up is that?

Sounds like you and your mum living apart is a more manageable arrangement for you, that's great, you need your space.

As for the guilt...there's a conversation or 10 I need to have with my therapist.

Thanks for a great thread, I'll keep dropping by.

xx
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