Mental Illness

[Andrew, Jr.]

Bringchange2mind.org is a website that is being endorsed by Glenn Close. Her sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her 40's. Glenn Close is also producing psa's for tv, radio, and the print media. One of the statistics being said is that 1 in 6 people are mentally ill. I had no idea.

I thought this thread would be a great place to talk about mental illness.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Darth Denkay]

Hi Andrew,

I must say, I am a bit curious about your motivation to start this thread. From your post I can't tell what experience you have with mental illness - if any. For people who live with mental illness - themselves, with those they love, or in their line of work, it is a very personal thing, and not one which is necessarily easy to talk about. It's a discussion that needs to feel very safe. How do you conceptualize this thread?

Respectfully,

Wicket

Bringchange2mind.org is a website that is being endorsed by Glenn Close. Her sister was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in her 40's. Glenn Close is also producing psa's for tv, radio, and the print media. One of the statistics being said is that 1 in 6 people are mentally ill. I had no idea.

I thought this thread would be a great place to talk about mental illness.

Namaste,
Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

I just saw some of the psa's that Glenn Close and her sister, Jessica (sp?) had done. I was very moved by them. Nobody should be ashamed of whatever it is they suffer from. The negative stigma should and needs to stop.

My motive really is to bring compassion to those who are suffering, and for those who care for those who are mentally ill. There is a guy at my Church who is close to 60 yo, and is Autistic, and Schizophrenic. He lives in a small apartment that the Church pays for. His family is all dead, and have left him with nothing (money, land, cars, etc.). There is a group of members who go and cook meals for him and clean his apartment, take him to the doctors, dentist, buy him clothes, and help him survive. Without anyone helping him, he would be homeless or dead.

Mental illness is personal. It is just something I feel strongly about. Anyone can join this thread. Nobody is holding a gun to anyone's head. I just thought it would be a connection for those of us in the bf community.

I think that pretty much summs up my motive. It is all about being accountable for our fellow human beings.

[friskyfemme]

I work with persons with physical, emotional,and mental disabilities. We, as a society, tend to turn away, ignore, or belittle those who represent our own fears. Those fears include: not be able to provide and protect for ouselves and our love ones, dying, and feeling that no one else knows or cares to know that we are suffering in some way. However, the truth is that most of us do care and would offer support and comfort to those who are suffering. We just need to get beyond our fears. The best way to reduce and/or eliminate fear is knowledge. Knowledge is gained by educating ourselves and others by sharing information, experiences, and expressing our feelings.
I have family members with ADHD, AAHD, Schizophernia, and Bipolar. I understand the reservations people have talking about these subjects but it is very helpful for everyone.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have neurological disorders from a head injury since infancy. I am very slow. My biological family is ashamed of me because of this. All of my siblings are successful in my parents eyes. I am a disappointment. I can barely read and write, and am close to 50 yo. Instead of finding goodness in the qualities I have, they just find my faults.

Same goes with online people too. They have no clue as to what it is to walk in my shoes. I think if they could see me, and spend time with me, they would understand. I am harmless, and am a good person. I have never meant anything evil or nasty towards anyone. Ask Linus. I met him last month to smoke a cigar at Cross Street Cigar Shop then to Rope Walk for dinner. :hangloose: I had a ball!

What is in my mind never comes out. It is trapped. What you read and see, is just an ounce of my being.

[BellaOctober1]

This is going to sound twilight zone, but I have 2 sisters who both have severe personality disorders and have been diagnosed as bipolar.

Our Mother had severe problems, but back then there were too many labels cociety placed on women who asked for help, so she was never officially diagnosed. I am the oldest of us three sisters, and I can look back and easily say my mother had some major mental problems.

I heard about Glen Close and her sister through the media. She also has a site on Facebook. I take any opportunity I can to learn about Bipolar. I've had a real problem with patience, for both sisters, for any length of time, and I'd like to change that through understanding.

[Andrew, Jr.]

There are many famous celebrities who have mental illnesses. Let me list some:

President Abe Lincoln - Depression

Virginia Woolf - Depression

Lionel Aldridge - Greenbay Packers Player in the 60's and 70's & played in 2 Super Bowls - Paranoid Schizophrenia; Was homeless for over 2 years; :football:

Ernest Hemmingway - Clinical Depression & Suicided :sailing:

Sylvia Plath - Clinical Depression

Jimmy Piersall - Boston Red Socks player - Bipolar :sock:

Patty Duke - Manic Depression


Mental illness can happen to anyone at any time. And nobody is an island. As much as some would like to think this, it is not true. :cheer:

[Apocalipstic]

I have struggled with clinical depression my whole life. Also, I have been diagnosed recently as having some neurological differences. Thank you for this thread Andrew!! :)

The holidays are always when I have the most difficult time. My routines are all disrupted and I have to deal with situations I would just rather avoid. Way more social interaction than I enjoy.

Thank you Kayden for saying that some people may not want to discuss. :)
I think its important for those of us who are past all that to come on out and talk about these difficult issues so it does not seem so scary. I wish when I was younger someone other than just poor Patty Duke would have spoken out

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalystic, :bunchflowers: :rrose:

I have a head injury since infancy called tbi (traumatic brain injury = neurologist's term). That injury has lead to major neurological issues for me, and the after-effects including seizures, migrains, and depression. Nothing will ever change it. It is very isolating. What happens in real time is not what happens online. We spoke years ago about our situations, and we both know the pit of hell we are in. I have no other words to describe it other than that.

Have you seen any of the psa's Glen Close has done? They just bring tears to my eyes. I love them all. Look them up at...utube or whatever that site is that everyone goes too. One of the reasons Glen Close is participating in the psa's is because not too many celebrities are outting themselves in the mental illness areana. The stigma is too great (negative). It shouldn't be.

Love,
Andrew

[Darth Denkay]

Hi Friskyfemme,

I may be reading too much into this, but I wondered if you read my post as implying that I don't think it's okay to talk about this stuff, which is definitely not the case. I will say when I read the original post the tone didn't really sound serious to me, in my mind it came across more like a fluffy topic. When Andrew shared in the third post his/her own personal experiences that made a very big difference for me, changed the tone of the thread.

Believe me, I very much value talking, sharing regarding mental illness. I think I deal with it in about every possible way that I could. I live with clinical depression, diagnosed 21 years, and likely a life-time anti-depressant taker. I manage it well, medication always, therapy when needed. My mother also lives with depression, also well managed. My partner struggles with depression. And I work as a therapist (soon-to-be-psychologist. You are absolutely right - society does tend to ignore folks with any sort of disability - I think it's generally seen as a personal weakness. In particular I don't think some people take mental illness seriously - we could get over it if we really tried. We need safe places to share with other folks who get us and support us, and threads like this can certainly provide that.

-Wicket

I work with persons with physical, emotional,and mental disabilities. We, as a society, tend to turn away, ignore, or belittle those who represent our own fears. Those fears include: not be able to provide and protect for ouselves and our love ones, dying, and feeling that no one else knows or cares to know that we are suffering in some way. However, the truth is that most of us do care and would offer support and comfort to those who are suffering. We just need to get beyond our fears. The best way to reduce and/or eliminate fear is knowledge. Knowledge is gained by educating ourselves and others by sharing information, experiences, and expressing our feelings.
I have family members with ADHD, AAHD, Schizophernia, and Bipolar. I understand the reservations people have talking about these subjects but it is very helpful for everyone.

[Inuus]

I have worked in the mental health field for roughly 23 years. I have seen first hand how people with mental illness and/or mental challenges are treated. People with MI especially have stigmas and stereotypes others attach to their illnesses, making it often painful and difficult to talk about.
Education is the key so I am all for discussions on the subject, however I do understand why some do not feel comfortable with the topic.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Just for the record, I never belittle those who have mental illnesses. Never have and never will.

Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I am bi polar and OCD, have been suffering from it since I was 10 years old. Mine is genetic, most MI's are genetic or suddenly comes on when a trigger is hit.

Good topic Andrew

[Darth Denkay]

Andrew,

I definitely did not mean to imply that you have or do. This topic is really serious for me, as it seems to be for you as well. In your original post I was unable to discern your intention in starting the thread, your personal experiences, your vested interest in MI. I asked you to clarify and you did. I think what happened is what frequently happens in online discussions - from your words I was not able to interpret the tone of the thread. Therefore I asked for clarification, and you provided it. In my mind it was not an issue, you answered my question, all was good. This is a valuable thread; thank you for starting it.

-Wicket

Just for the record, I never belittle those who have mental illnesses. Never have and never will.

Andrew

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you for explaining. I am not very good with concepts, and comprehension is not my strong suit. :candle:

Peace,
Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I have learned the best coping skill is writing, writing in journals, writing poetry and prose, etc helps.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Same for me. Writing is my best suit at times. Even then, what I am saying is misconstrued by "some" people.

I also have ocd very badly. I used to be a hoarder. My father has ocd, but his was with routines. Mine is with routines, counting, washing my hands, checking and rechecking things, opening and closing doors and locks, and so on and on. It gets to be very tiring. I worked with a therapist on this for years. And out of the blue one day I just stopped. I have no idea of why. It just happened. I had no reason to wash my hands, or put on lotion. Now, I still count, and check and recheck things. But it is no where near to what it used to be. Rosie has it very badly too. She is working on her's now. It is a struggle, but I know it too well.

[Inuus]

Thanks for everyone sharing their experiences

Last night I watched for the first time that show Hoarders on A&E. Very enlightening to me. I personally have had some interaction with a hoarder as a child. The family next door had a beautiful 1600's house that was in shambles because the father was a hoader. He just couldnt help himself. He would go to the local dump and take things home, things he never used or needed. Was hard for a child to understand. As an adult I have witnessed animal hoarding. Such a terrible disorder and painful to witness.

If anyone cares to share...if you are a hoarder how to do cope? If you get help and stop the hoarding how does one stay away from the compulsion again? Im genuinely asking for enlightenment not judgement

[Andrew, Jr.]

Personally speaking, mine started out when I was a young child. I too couldn't help it. I would save papers. I had papers upon papers upon papers. Now, mind you, I was super clean, but never neat. I was disorganized. The disorganization gave me comfort.

Washing my hands...omg. I would wash my hands repeatedly. I was terrified of germs. I hated sand but loved dirt. Go figure that one out because now I just love the beach.

To me, hoarding is the same as counting, checking, washing my hands, touching and the list just goes on and on.

I worked with a therapist on this. What triggers mine is stress, or if someone threatens me, it is like an alarm going off in my mind. I really couldn't get a handle on it until I was really settled on my own. Hoarding is a coping mechanism for someone who is dealing with dysfunction in some form or fashion imho. Until you deal with it, you will live it.

[Darth Denkay]

Hey, you're totally welcome. Communication online can be difficult for all of us. It's all good.

Thank you for explaining. I am not very good with concepts, and comprehension is not my strong suit. :candle:

Peace,
Andrew

[Darth Denkay]

I've tried writing but it's not really helpful for me. What works best in my world is talking to one of my 6 therapists - my one "real" therapist, my 4 cats and 1 dog. Sometimes all it takes for me is to sit and pet one of them, say what needs to be said - they can definitely be the best medicine! :dog::cat::cat::cat::cat:

I have learned the best coping skill is writing, writing in journals, writing poetry and prose, etc helps.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Writing doesn't do it for everyone, some do art therapy, some do exercise, etc. Yes talking to a real therapist or an animal one is therapy too!

[Apocalipstic]

When I am out of my comfort zone I check things over and over. Like do I have my ticket, my room key, my passport.

I have in the past hoarded a bit, and been afraid to leave the house but I take medication for that now. I do still count and if I am stressed everything electric around me malfunctions.

I have to pace myself and not over-do.

Writing almost makes me worse. I do better talking things out.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I clean and ALOT sometimes when my OCD flares up or my bi polar goes mania

my other means are writing, listening to music and talking to others about similiar things.

[Andrew, Jr.]

A very good friend of mine told me that when he thinks of me, he thinks of Howie Mandel. He is the celebrity who is writing a book about his ocd, and his issues with shaking hands, washing hands over and over, and what it was like growing up with ocd.

In the Dec. 7th issue of People Magazine there is a small article on Howie. I hope this gives some insight to what it is like to have ocd. For me, I think you could change out Howie's name and insert my name and it would read the same.

Namaste,
Andrew

[SelfMadeMan]

Add me to the OCD club :) It's gotten better over time for me, but it's definitely there. I have a shower ritual, I eat a certain way, I check things, have to fold my laundry a certain way and HAVE to have certain things in the house a specific way. I also have a thing with numbers. When fueling the car - I can't stop on anything but whole dollar amounts. When I adjust the volume on the TV I have to stop it on 15, 20, 25 etc... not 16, 19, 21, etc. LOL. But most people would never know if they didn't live with me. So anyway... hello everyone!

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Welcome Mike

Oh yes the sticking to the odd numbers, I do that sometimes too!

[JustLovelyJenn]

ok... So, I am going to do something a little unusual for me. In the past I have avoided these threads and discussion of such issues... That's not really working for me... So I am going to try something different, actually talking. People I am close to get this information, but the world at large has no idea...

To start with, I am too proud, and too stubborn to easily admit I need help with anything, and in my family there is such a terrible stigma around mental health that THIS is the worst to admit to...

As a youth , after the unexpected death of my younger sister, I did ask my parents for help, express concerns about how my head worked, and state that I didn't feel the same or right. The response was always the same. "There's nothing wrong with you", I was told, "Its all in your head, buck up and pull it together." Then there were the more extreme responses. "Your being ridiculous, a slacker, you just don't want to deal with things." " At this rate you will never get anywhere in life, when are you gonna learn to get a handle on things?" This attitude in my home lead me to the mistaken belief that these problems were things that happened to other people, not me. I have always had sympathy and tolerance for others, but none for myself... which, by the way, can make things so much worse.

I am still to this day trying to convince myself to trust a doctor enough to more formally address my concerns. But, I have a passion for learning and as I got older and truly had trouble doing the things I needed to do, I started to educate myself and handle my issues as best I could in the shadows... I have a likely (although not official) history of sever depression, post traumatic stress syndrome, OCD, self abuse, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety.

There are examples and reasons for each concern... but its not the easiest thing for me to talk about. I have no idea what, if anything, I will choose to post here... As a matter of fact, if I press the button to actually post THIS post... I will be shocked and amazed... But, I am here non the less, in yet another attempt to grow and survive.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jenn,

First of all, welcome.

Second of all, you are not alone. I think that our parents are in the age group where mental illness was a negative stigma. That is why I started the thread with the Glen Close psa's she is doing now - to eliminate the negative ideas surrounding mental illness. There is nothing to be ashamed of.

There is so much being done now, to help those of us who struggle with it on a daily basis. I outted myself as a hoarder because someone took pictures of my home without my consent and posted them for all to see. My thinking is that they thought they would be one up on me. Well, I always tell the truth. It is something I do. I have nothing to hide. I want to live my life as I am. So folks cannot handle the truth, so that is on them. I live as a Roman Catholic, and again, someone went directly to my Parish Priest and outted me as a FTM. What can he say or do? What can I say or do? Really? I view that individual as being really vindictive, & nasty. Someone who wants to inflict pain. Sure they succeeded. They hurt me a great deal. But in the end, really what did they accomplish in the eyes of God? That is what it really boils down too. Then someone said that I am a liar. Someone who has never met me, shaken my hand, eaten a meal with me, or anything. But yet goes around stating I am a liar. God help them is all I can say. In the end, everything comes back to bit you in the ass if you are not telling the truth. It is a fact of life. So, my point is this, why lie? See what I mean.

So, with all of that said, I just go on with my life. I have a good life. I may not be the fastest person on the uptake. Or have the biggest house on the block. Or have 3 vacation homes all over the world. But I have my faith, and I have Rosie, my furkids, and my adopted family, and some friends here. They give me my strength. Life is not fair. But you have to make peace with it so it won't screw up the rest of your life or your family.

Peace and :thanksgiving:,
Andrew

PS: If you ever want to chat, please feel free to pm me. I am all ears.

[Apocalipstic]

I do things in a certain order too. I have been trying for 4 years to change my shower routine to brush my teeth before I get it, and I still am having trouble with that.

I also have PTSD, my father was very abusive and my mothers death when I was 13 was under questionable circumstances. Jenn, I am so sorry about your sister, I understand your pain.

I also get being afraid to get help. I have been the same way. I did go to therapy in my 20's, but not since then and am trying to find someone now to see. My father died last January and though I pretty much hated him I am havig a very hard time with it. I was even seeing him everywhere for a while and still hear his voice sometimes.

After my Mom died we moved to the US with her casket on the same plane as us and after the funeral, never spoke of her again. My father said "chin up little soldier". No therapy, no nothing. We left all out stuff, friends, everything. New schools in a new language, everyone hated us.

Anyway, there is so much more, but I wanted you to know you are not alone.

I know Andrew Jr. and Wicket in person and they are wonderful guys, as I am sure everyone else posting here is! I hope you feel welcome here. I think it helps us all to get some of this stuff in the open.

xoxoxo

Jen

[Darth Denkay]

I just had a nice, long, detailed post all written and ready to go - when I hit submit the computer said no...

So I'm going to go with a bit shorter post and hope the computer cooperates.

The gist of my post is that it is very obvious how the already feels like a safe place. SO many have already posted very personal stuff - I really think this thread will be a wonderful source of support for many of us.

Not to exclude any of the other posters, but I did want to tell Jenn (JustLovelyJenn) that she was really brave to hit that submit button and put her story out here. You just took a very difficult, and very important, personal step.

[JustLovelyJenn]

I just had a nice, long, detailed post all written and ready to go - when I hit submit the computer said no...

So I'm going to go with a bit shorter post and hope the computer cooperates.

The gist of my post is that it is very obvious how the already feels like a safe place. SO many have already posted very personal stuff - I really think this thread will be a wonderful source of support for many of us.

Not to exclude any of the other posters, but I did want to tell Jenn (JustLovelyJenn) that she was really brave to hit that submit button and put her story out here. You just took a very difficult, and very important, personal step.

This made me cry. I really don't know why, but reading it... I just started to cry... Its not been very often in my life that anything I go through is acknowledged and accepted in such a warm manner. Thank you, so very much.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Holidays are hard for me. I struggle thru them. My depression is really bad this year. It is my 2nd year without my sister, JoAnn, and 30 some years without my brother, Jay. I find that life is very strange.

I think when you go thru life without your siblings you become different. You are much stronger than you ever realized. At the sametime, life changes - your reality changes. In fact, it is something I learned from Grief Share is that you create a new reality or a new routine. It is a coping means to survive the loss you endured. And there is nothing wrong with that.

[ksrainbow]

I have just read many of the posts regarding mental illness. personally I too acknowledge and accept that I have depression and anxiety dx's. My close friends and all family members know...and a relief it is that being open to both helps to live each day as I come face to face with the dx's! the support and understanding is wonderful but EDUCATION is of the utmost purpose! that I can assist those who are not familar with mental illness and educate them (if they ask) is theraputic for me and leads to understanding. May we all gather support, comfort and guidance from each other and share our personal travels with those who choose to seek knowledge and acceptance!

ksrainbow

[Andrew, Jr.]

KSRainbow,

I really like your signature line. It pretty much summs up my feelings lately.

Andrew

[JustLovelyJenn]

So, I'm suffering from insomnia pretty bad lately. Running on 3 maybe 4 hours of sleep a night. My head just wont shut off. I have so many things filling the spaces, so much thought, I just cant stop it to go to sleep. I just keep waiting for the calm and it never comes. The thing is I don't understand why now, well... maybe I do. Things are finally going good for me, starting to. So this is when all the doubts kick in right? Cause it cant really last, something has to happen to take it all away. I don't want to feel that way this time.

All of it is because of me this time around the track. I am doing it for myself, not to please someone else, not because I am supposed to, not to give the impression of normalcy when I am screaming inside. I made these choices to bring around some good changes. I don't want to wait for it to all fall apart this time, I want it to keep getting better.

For the first time in my life I am living independently of someone else's desires and wants. Even though I am living with my parents, its my choice this time. A logical choice because I understand that my children, and my son in particular, will greatly benefit from their extra presence, and sharing my financial responsibilities with them will allow me to give my children opportunities I couldn't otherwise. I am in control of my life, and I am making healthy choices. THAT'S A BIG DEAL.

So why am I still feeling this way, why do I still hear that voice that says, your gonna fuck it up again? Why can't I be happy to be moving in the right direction? I'm working, and I love my job. I have a plan to go back to school and pursue the career I have always dreamed of. There is no reason for me to try and sabotage my own happiness. But, I feel myself starting to do it.

[Apocalipstic]

Jenn, I think that its how our brains are wired that makes us hear the voices saying awful things to us inside our heads. I have the same problem.

I think it is awesome that you parents are cool enough to share expenses and help you give your children great opportunities. Good for you!

For me, I know that when things are good, I kind of have a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen...probably one of the therapists among us can explain why that is. I think our brains get used to being in crisis and automatically stay in fight/flight mode.

I try to not beat myself up for not doing everything over night. I am learning not to be so hard on myself as long as I am making some (any) progress.

As for progress, I met with a therapist for the first time in almost 20 years yesterday and I think I am really going to like her. I felt very comfortable right off and felt heard. This is the first time I have ever been to therapy when things in my life are good. I need to work on past trauma and anger.

Have a great weekend all and try to take it easy on yourselves, especially with all the holidays stress and mahem.

:)

[Darth Denkay]

Jenn,

I think Apocalipstic is right on in terms of her take on things. Folks who struggle with mental illness "learn" to expect things to go wrong. For us, everything is our lives can be going great but then the mental illness kicks in and knocks us off our feet. She also makes an excellent point about being in therapy when things are going well. Most of the time we use therapy to get out of hard spots and when things seem better then we quit. That's the general publics' perspective on how therapy should be used - get out of crisis mode then do it on your own. When you treat it that way you never get deep issues resolved - you're able to get a band-aid to temporarily feel better but the issues themselves aren't being fixed. Apocalipstic, I think you are doing a great thing by going to therapy now, when you can address the broader issues because you aren't focused on your current crisis.

Therapy can be really useful as a preventative tool but is seldom used that way. Just as individual therapy during the "good times" can be highly effective, couples therapy can be immensely helpful to keep a couple on track BEFORE they get into trouble. So many times therapy isn't initiated until things reach crisis point, and while then it becomes a necessity, crisis can often be avoided by preventative therapy. I'm currently in therapy. Things are fairly stable in my life, so I'm able to work on things that I couldn't if I was addressing crisis. To be perfectly honest, I believe that absolutely everyone on the planet has issues that could be addressed, ways that their life could be improved through therapy. Unfortunately therapy is seen as something only for those who are "sick."

Jenn, I think that its how our brains are wired that makes us hear the voices saying awful things to us inside our heads. I have the same problem.

I think it is awesome that you parents are cool enough to share expenses and help you give your children great opportunities. Good for you!

For me, I know that when things are good, I kind of have a sense of dread that something bad is going to happen...probably one of the therapists among us can explain why that is. I think our brains get used to being in crisis and automatically stay in fight/flight mode.

I try to not beat myself up for not doing everything over night. I am learning not to be so hard on myself as long as I am making some (any) progress.

As for progress, I met with a therapist for the first time in almost 20 years yesterday and I think I am really going to like her. I felt very comfortable right off and felt heard. This is the first time I have ever been to therapy when things in my life are good. I need to work on past trauma and anger.

Have a great weekend all and try to take it easy on yourselves, especially with all the holidays stress and mahem.

:)

[Darth Denkay]

I'm wondering if some of you may experience seasonal affect disorder (SAD), which basically means your depression worsens during the winter months. The theory is that this is related to less sunlight, although we don't know for sure. I wanted to mention a couple things. One, just be aware that this might happen to you - I'm certainly not saying that it will but it could. If things start to feel bad and nothing has changed in your life that may be what's going on.

Another thing that might be helpful is using a full-spectrum light which may offset the lack of sunlight. It doesn't require too much time a day - one of two 20 minute sessions are supposed to be useful. I bought one last fall and have used it ever since. I use it as my lightstand light, so when I lie in bed reading at night I'm getting its benefits. You can also get desk lamps if those will work better for you. I can't say for sure that the light made too much of a difference. However, last winter I did not have nearly as much trouble with SAD than I have in the past and that's the only thing I can think of that was different. It can't hurt. Here's a link to the product I use:

http://www.verilux.com/light-therapy-lamps/happylight-6000

Something to consider.

[Apocalipstic]

Jenn,

I think Apocalipstic is right on in terms of her take on things. Folks who struggle with mental illness "learn" to expect things to go wrong. For us, everything is our lives can be going great but then the mental illness kicks in and knocks us off our feet. She also makes an excellent point about being in therapy when things are going well. Most of the time we use therapy to get out of hard spots and when things seem better then we quit. That's the general publics' perspective on how therapy should be used - get out of crisis mode then do it on your own. When you treat it that way you never get deep issues resolved - you're able to get a band-aid to temporarily feel better but the issues themselves aren't being fixed. Apocalipstic, I think you are doing a great thing by going to therapy now, when you can address the broader issues because you aren't focused on your current crisis.

Therapy can be really useful as a preventative tool but is seldom used that way. Just as individual therapy during the "good times" can be highly effective, couples therapy can be immensely helpful to keep a couple on track BEFORE they get into trouble. So many times therapy isn't initiated until things reach crisis point, and while then it becomes a necessity, crisis can often be avoided by preventative therapy. I'm currently in therapy. Things are fairly stable in my life, so I'm able to work on things that I couldn't if I was addressing crisis. To be perfectly honest, I believe that absolutely everyone on the planet has issues that could be addressed, ways that their life could be improved through therapy. Unfortunately therapy is seen as something only for those who are "sick."

Thank you! Yes yes, in the past I have only gone to therapy when things were a disaster and I was in total crisis. What we worked on was getting me OK and we never even got to the deep issues. I forgot I did go to concelling for maybe 2 sessions 6 or 7 years ago during an awful break up and basically we talked on how to navigate the breakup, not how I allowed myself to get into that situation in the first place...same thing in my 20's. How deep are you able to dig when all you want to do is give up. You know?

I hope that now that things are stable I will be able to dig deep and actually give full attention to healing from childhood and early traumas.

Do you know anything about Brainspotting? She said that might be helpful.

On the subject of SAD...yes, I usually have a meltdown in February after we have not seen the sun in 6 weeks. Will try the bulbs, can't hurt! I wonder if people in places closer to the poles have an even more difficult time. We go to London every January for work and it seems to only be full daylight from 10-2. Some places never get to full daylight. I don't think I could handle that. Bright sunny days make me happiest.

[atomiczombie]

Holidays are hard for me. I struggle thru them. My depression is really bad this year. It is my 2nd year without my sister, JoAnn, and 30 some years without my brother, Jay. I find that life is very strange.

I think when you go thru life without your siblings you become different. You are much stronger than you ever realized. At the sametime, life changes - your reality changes. In fact, it is something I learned from Grief Share is that you create a new reality or a new routine. It is a coping means to survive the loss you endured. And there is nothing wrong with that.

:gimmehug:

[atomiczombie]

I have struggled with clinical depression all my life. Lots of factors contributed to this, but my brain is definitely wired differently that most folks. I take a lot of medication because without it I am miserable and its hard to see the glass half full. In the past 2 years, since the fire happened (burning down my apartment in the middle of the night), I have suffered profoundly with panic disorder and agoraphobia. I have been on disability and living with my folks because I cannot live alone and care for myself. However, I am on a new med that seems to be helping a lot more, and I am getting better, slowly but surely. I am not out of the woods yet, but I am making progress and that gives me hope.

:gimmehug: to all of you who struggle with mental illness too.

[Apocalipstic]

I have struggled with clinical depression all my life. Lots of factors contributed to this, but my brain is definitely wired differently that most folks. I take a lot of medication because without it I am miserable and its hard to see the glass half full. In the past 2 years, since the fire happened (burning down my apartment in the middle of the night), I have suffered profoundly with panic disorder and agoraphobia. I have been on disability and living with my folks because I cannot live alone and care for myself. However, I am on a new med that seems to be helping a lot more, and I am getting better, slowly but surely. I am not out of the woods yet, but I am making progress and that gives me hope.

:gimmehug: to all of you who struggle with mental illness too.

I am so happy that you are doing better!

There have been so many times when I really needed to have a safe place in which to heal and did not have that option. I am so thankful that you have a safe place to be.

If I don't take my medicine I am so agoraphobic and anxious I can't leave the hosue at all sometimes.

I truly believe in better living though chemicals! :)
I fought it for a long time, but I know now that I will likely be on medication for the rest of my life.

[friskyfemme]

I have neurological disorders from a head injury since infancy. I am very slow. My biological family is ashamed of me because of this. All of my siblings are successful in my parents eyes. I am a disappointment. I can barely read and write, and am close to 50 yo. Instead of finding goodness in the qualities I have, they just find my faults.

Same goes with online people too. They have no clue as to what it is to walk in my shoes. I think if they could see me, and spend time with me, they would understand. I am harmless, and am a good person. I have never meant anything evil or nasty towards anyone. Ask Linus. I met him last month to smoke a cigar at Cross Street Cigar Shop then to Rope Walk for dinner. :hangloose: I had a ball!

What is in my mind never comes out. It is trapped. What you read and see, is just an ounce of my being.


My dear Sir,

Those who judge or belittle you... do so because they, themselves feel inadequate. It is truly their own disability. My brother lives wih a tramatic brain injury. He is now 49. He went over a bridge in his car when he 25 yrs old. When he was in coma (6wks), the doctors told us he would be a 'vegetable'. All of his siblings agreed that he should be removed from 'life support'. However, our mother said she could not allow it . My brother
came out of coma after suffering 2 major strokes as well. He was paralyzed on his left side (dominant side), unable to speak, walk, eat, or even breathe on his own. I was appalled that my mother would allow him to continue living with all of this wrong. I, then witnessed a miracle. All of my family rallied together (untl then we hardly saw each other) to help my brother reach his full potential. We were with him everyday. After 18mons of therapy, my brother began walking, talking, eating and breathing on his own. Not only did he heal, but so did his family. We were the ones who faced our fears of our own mortality and limitations. It was my brother that gave this to us, not intentionally, but just by being in our lives. He is not the brother I knew before the accident . He struggles each day to walk, to express verbally what he needs or wants. He has outbursts of yelling, pounding, and hitting when he becomes frustrated or agitated. He can't control himself. His medication changes frequently, most works the opposite on him than it is suppose to. He has taught me compassion, love, and thankfulness for all I have. When he comes to the phone and struggles just to say 'hello' and laughs when I ssay 'hello' back, my heart smiles.

I hope that you can see that those who don't support you, don't feel good about themselves. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive them. Pray that they can heal. This world's peace and love comes from everyone's ability to have it and share it.

[friskyfemme]

I'm wondering if some of you may experience seasonal affect disorder (SAD), which basically means your depression worsens during the winter months. The theory is that this is related to less sunlight, although we don't know for sure. I wanted to mention a couple things. One, just be aware that this might happen to you - I'm certainly not saying that it will but it could. If things start to feel bad and nothing has changed in your life that may be what's going on.

Another thing that might be helpful is using a full-spectrum light which may offset the lack of sunlight. It doesn't require too much time a day - one of two 20 minute sessions are supposed to be useful. I bought one last fall and have used it ever since. I use it as my lightstand light, so when I lie in bed reading at night I'm getting its benefits. You can also get desk lamps if those will work better for you. I can't say for sure that the light made too much of a difference. However, last winter I did not have nearly as much trouble with SAD than I have in the past and that's the only thing I can think of that was different. It can't hurt. Here's a link to the product I use:

http://www.verilux.com/light-therapy-lamps/happylight-6000

Something to consider.
I have suffered for years with SADS. I tried various drugs, no help. I moved to AZ and because of 97% sunshine here, I don't have it as often or as long. Also I have found that chocolate (1 ounce a day), helps increase serotonin levels in the brain. I have used the full spectrum lights as well. They worked pretty good for me too.

Sending you plenty of sunshine. ;)

[friskyfemme]

Hi Friskyfemme,

I may be reading too much into this, but I wondered if you read my post as implying that I don't think it's okay to talk about this stuff, which is definitely not the case. I will say when I read the original post the tone didn't really sound serious to me, in my mind it came across more like a fluffy topic. When Andrew shared in the third post his/her own personal experiences that made a very big difference for me, changed the tone of the thread.

Believe me, I very much value talking, sharing regarding mental illness. I think I deal with it in about every possible way that I could. I live with clinical depression, diagnosed 21 years, and likely a life-time anti-depressant taker. I manage it well, medication always, therapy when needed. My mother also lives with depression, also well managed. My partner struggles with depression. And I work as a therapist (soon-to-be-psychologist. You are absolutely right - society does tend to ignore folks with any sort of disability - I think it's generally seen as a personal weakness. In particular I don't think some people take mental illness seriously - we could get over it if we really tried. We need safe places to share with other folks who get us and support us, and threads like this can certainly provide that.

-Wicket
Wicket,
Please know I wasn't making any judgement on your post. I am just expressing my views/observations of the some people's reaction to anything they don't understand.
I do agree with you that most people (who don't live with a disability -mental, physical, emotional) don't generally have a clue the struggles the individual, that does, has each day with the simplest of tasks. It never goes away, the person with a disability just learns to adapt the best he/she can with the tools he/she has.

[Darth Denkay]

Hey Apocalipstic!

I have never heard of Brainspotting - I will check with some colleagues and see what I can find out.

I know that I couldn't live anywhere that didn't have a full day of light - taking the time of year into consideration. I couldn't live in the Pacific Northwest. I couldn't live in Iceland. I NEED the daylight. And I use my lightbox every single day.

Thank you! Yes yes, in the past I have only gone to therapy when things were a disaster and I was in total crisis. What we worked on was getting me OK and we never even got to the deep issues. I forgot I did go to concelling for maybe 2 sessions 6 or 7 years ago during an awful break up and basically we talked on how to navigate the breakup, not how I allowed myself to get into that situation in the first place...same thing in my 20's. How deep are you able to dig when all you want to do is give up. You know?

I hope that now that things are stable I will be able to dig deep and actually give full attention to healing from childhood and early traumas.

Do you know anything about Brainspotting? She said that might be helpful.

On the subject of SAD...yes, I usually have a meltdown in February after we have not seen the sun in 6 weeks. Will try the bulbs, can't hurt! I wonder if people in places closer to the poles have an even more difficult time. We go to London every January for work and it seems to only be full daylight from 10-2. Some places never get to full daylight. I don't think I could handle that. Bright sunny days make me happiest.

[Darth Denkay]

BTW, I think this is my favorite thread on the site - and there are plenty that I like.

[Unndunn]

Andrew, I'm glad you started this thread, and I'm really happy that others are sharing. It's not easy to talk about mental illnesses, but it's important for everyone to know about them.

I have had a problem with depression since I was a teenager and didn't get treatment for it until I was in my mid-20's. For me a combination of talk therapy and an antidepressant is what works best. Also knowing when to distract myself vs. when to explore what I am feeling is important.

I started as a psych nurse 22 years ago and have been a clinical nurse specialist in psych for the past 17 years. I have worked as a therapist throughout that time, and (surprise surprise) have specialized in mood disorders and personality disorders. I enjoy doing individual therapy and group therapy and make it my mission to teach anyone that will listen about the symptoms of various disorders and the treatments available.

The first thing anyone with a mental health diagnosis should do is find out exactly what it is and why the person treating you believes you fit the criteria. Then read everything you can find, and try to educate everyone in your life. If people don't want to listen, or you're not ready to tell them, that's fine-- move onto the next person. It's also important to know that many mental illnesses run in families and that if a family member has had good relief of their symptoms from a particular med, you might also do well on that med. Finally, remember, there's no one cause for most mental illnesses and there's usually not just one treatment for them. Study after study has shown that combining different types of treatment works the best. Examples might be: medication management plus individual therapy, or cognitive-behavioral therapy plus group therapy, etc.

[Mindy]

I have dealt with depression all my life and was recently diagnosed as bipolar. I still haven't been able to find a good combination of medications that work very well for me, mostly because I have no insurance and have to rely on the free clinic and the $4.00 list of meds at WalMart for meds because I can't afford the others with no insurance. I have my ups and downs, deal with suicidal thoughts all the time, no matter how "well" I'm doing. Most people don't have any comprehension what it's like to constantly live with the feelings and thoughts that you'd rather be dead. A lot of days I'd rather stay in bed with the blankets over my head than have to interact with anyone, although most of the time I'm much better since I have been on meds. Usually once a year I have to change meds because they quit working. I don't know why they work for awhile then seem to not work. I've been on antidepressants that they've had to increase the dose over and over and over and I've finally had to be taken off them. I think now, because they have diagnosed me as bipolar I have my answer, because I've been told I need to be on at LEAST 2 meds, one antidepressant and one mood stabilizer at the minimum.

I'm supposed to be going to a clinic right now that has sliding scale and will get your meds for free, but it takes a month or more for all their intake stuff. I'm planning on moving in Feb. and will have to start over anyway when I move, so I decided forget it, I'll wait til I move. I hate it when I get settled on a set of drugs, move and have to change docs, the new doc doesn't believe the drugs I'm on are right, wants to change them and I have to fight with him over the fact I'm doing well, so who cares what he thinks, lol... So, once I get moved I'll deal with the intake baloney up there so that hopefully I won't have to do it twice in a short time span.

[Darth Denkay]

Thanks you for sharing your story with us Mindy. I know what you mean about the "what drugs are going to work for me at the moment game." A particular cocktail tends to work 2-4 years for me and then I have to switch up. I hope they get you set up quickly.

I have dealt with depression all my life and was recently diagnosed as bipolar. I still haven't been able to find a good combination of medications that work very well for me, mostly because I have no insurance and have to rely on the free clinic and the $4.00 list of meds at WalMart for meds because I can't afford the others with no insurance. I have my ups and downs, deal with suicidal thoughts all the time, no matter how "well" I'm doing. Most people don't have any comprehension what it's like to constantly live with the feelings and thoughts that you'd rather be dead. A lot of days I'd rather stay in bed with the blankets over my head than have to interact with anyone, although most of the time I'm much better since I have been on meds. Usually once a year I have to change meds because they quit working. I don't know why they work for awhile then seem to not work. I've been on antidepressants that they've had to increase the dose over and over and over and I've finally had to be taken off them. I think now, because they have diagnosed me as bipolar I have my answer, because I've been told I need to be on at LEAST 2 meds, one antidepressant and one mood stabilizer at the minimum.

I'm supposed to be going to a clinic right now that has sliding scale and will get your meds for free, but it takes a month or more for all their intake stuff. I'm planning on moving in Feb. and will have to start over anyway when I move, so I decided forget it, I'll wait til I move. I hate it when I get settled on a set of drugs, move and have to change docs, the new doc doesn't believe the drugs I'm on are right, wants to change them and I have to fight with him over the fact I'm doing well, so who cares what he thinks, lol... So, once I get moved I'll deal with the intake baloney up there so that hopefully I won't have to do it twice in a short time span.

[Apocalipstic]

I have dealt with depression all my life and was recently diagnosed as bipolar. I still haven't been able to find a good combination of medications that work very well for me, mostly because I have no insurance and have to rely on the free clinic and the $4.00 list of meds at WalMart for meds because I can't afford the others with no insurance. I have my ups and downs, deal with suicidal thoughts all the time, no matter how "well" I'm doing. Most people don't have any comprehension what it's like to constantly live with the feelings and thoughts that you'd rather be dead. A lot of days I'd rather stay in bed with the blankets over my head than have to interact with anyone, although most of the time I'm much better since I have been on meds. Usually once a year I have to change meds because they quit working. I don't know why they work for awhile then seem to not work. I've been on antidepressants that they've had to increase the dose over and over and over and I've finally had to be taken off them. I think now, because they have diagnosed me as bipolar I have my answer, because I've been told I need to be on at LEAST 2 meds, one antidepressant and one mood stabilizer at the minimum.

I'm supposed to be going to a clinic right now that has sliding scale and will get your meds for free, but it takes a month or more for all their intake stuff. I'm planning on moving in Feb. and will have to start over anyway when I move, so I decided forget it, I'll wait til I move. I hate it when I get settled on a set of drugs, move and have to change docs, the new doc doesn't believe the drugs I'm on are right, wants to change them and I have to fight with him over the fact I'm doing well, so who cares what he thinks, lol... So, once I get moved I'll deal with the intake baloney up there so that hopefully I won't have to do it twice in a short time span.

Thank you for sharing with us!

I also know what you mean! My meds have had to be changed many times over the years. I also have recurrent suicidal thoughts and struggle with doctor changes and so forth.

Something I have discovered recently is that if I write out my history and medicines and what has and had not worked and hand it to my new health care provider, they tend to take me more seriously and believe what I am saying.

I have no idea why...maybe it shows them I am organized and on top of managing my own issues?

Best of luck with the move, I know moves can be much more difficult for us than for most people.

Also, years ago when I had no insurance, the clinic I went to with sliding scale also had erally low prices on the latest meds. I hope it will be the same for you. Mental health drugs have come a really long way in the last 30 years.

[Mindy]

Thank you for sharing with us!

I also know what you mean! My meds have had to be changed many times over the years. I also have recurrent suicidal thoughts and struggle with doctor changes and so forth.

Something I have discovered recently is that if I write out my history and medicines and what has and had not worked and hand it to my new health care provider, they tend to take me more seriously and believe what I am saying.

I have no idea why...maybe it shows them I am organized and on top of managing my own issues?

Best of luck with the move, I know moves can be much more difficult for us than for most people.

Also, years ago when I had no insurance, the clinic I went to with sliding scale also had erally low prices on the latest meds. I hope it will be the same for you. Mental health drugs have come a really long way in the last 30 years.



Right now the town I am in has a clinic that will actually give your drugs for as low as FREE! I also found out where I am moving has a clinic that does the same. So while I am looking for work after the move, I will at least be able to get them while job searching and waiting for insurance to kick in. Just a matter of waiting to get in initially.

[Apocalipstic]

Right now the town I am in has a clinic that will actually give your drugs for as low as FREE! I also found out where I am moving has a clinic that does the same. So while I am looking for work after the move, I will at least be able to get them while job searching and waiting for insurance to kick in. Just a matter of waiting to get in initially.

Cool!

Remember to give yourself lots of breaks and take it as easy as you can with the move and all the change.

Best to you! :)

[Apocalipstic]

Overwhelmed today.

Maybe its all the rain?
Maybe its the holidays?
Maybe I feel pushed?

Wish I could be on a warm beach with white sand, listening to the waves.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I am clinically depressed. For me right now, I feel like I walk on egg shells around people. My words are taken out of context or misconstrued to mean something other than what they were meant to mean. And for me, it takes too much energy to get it out. I am tired of always :deepthoughts: and then being labeled a :duck:. Let me give an example. Today I went to the grocery store for Rosie. She has to give me a list, otherwise I come home with half the store. :D Anyway, she had some spice on the list that was for baking. I could barely pronounce the word, plus had no clue it was a spice. I handed the list to the lady in the help booth or whatever it's called nowadays. She looked at it, then laughed. She said the entire end cap was just filled with it from top to bottom. Who knew? I didn't. Heck, I didn't even see it. I felt like a jerk. :(

Holidays are hard on me. I used to enjoy being around people when I was younger, but not any more. It is more like dread as I have aged. Just another person to jump me, and make fun of me. I think I do better one on one. But that is just me. :pipe:

I am glad that you guys and gals understand me, and help me. It makes my life so much more full. I use this site as a safe haven. You enrich my life more than you will ever know. :candle:

Love,
Andrew
:fishing::bbq::cigar:

[Apocalipstic]

I am clinically depressed. For me right now, I feel like I walk on egg shells around people. My words are taken out of context or misconstrued to mean something other than what they were meant to mean. And for me, it takes too much energy to get it out. I am tired of always :deepthoughts: and then being labeled a :duck:. Let me give an example. Today I went to the grocery store for Rosie. She has to give me a list, otherwise I come home with half the store. :D Anyway, she had some spice on the list that was for baking. I could barely pronounce the word, plus had no clue it was a spice. I handed the list to the lady in the help booth or whatever it's called nowadays. She looked at it, then laughed. She said the entire end cap was just filled with it from top to bottom. Who knew? I didn't. Heck, I didn't even see it. I felt like a jerk. :(

Holidays are hard on me. I used to enjoy being around people when I was younger, but not any more. It is more like dread as I have aged. Just another person to jump me, and make fun of me. I think I do better one on one. But that is just me. :pipe:

I am glad that you guys and gals understand me, and help me. It makes my life so much more full. I use this site as a safe haven. You enrich my life more than you will ever know. :candle:

Love,
Andrew
:fishing::bbq::cigar:

Andrew, I agree 100% about the holidays. All sorts of people to be around and unfamiliar places to navigate. It takes all my energy for one party, and I have several in my future. Kind of like a field of landmines.

:titantic:

One thing I have found helpful is to remember that most people are so into themselves that I am noticed way less than I think I am. If someone takes you wrong...calmly appologize and laugh with them. I know its hard, I am working on this myself. I am very defensive when I feel like I have done somehting dumb...in reality, most people have not noticed what I did or me at all. Don't feel like a jerk. :)

Really, if they are laughing to your face, they are either laughing with you, or a way huger jerk than you are even capable of being and thats on them!

PS. yes, I know huger is not a word, but I live to make up words :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Apocalipstic,

Thank you for your post. :smelling-flower: I love the words you make up. I do that too. It is my thing.

Yes, I am feeling like the holidays are a landminds just ready to go off.:shark: I am going to try what you said to do. I am just praying it works. My anxiety is off the charts now. I have been to the doctor 3x's already for this. Each year it just gets worse and worse.

Thanks again.

Love,
Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Apocalipstic,

Thank you for your post. :smelling-flower:

Yes, I am feeling like the holidays are a landminds just ready to go off.:shark: I am going to try what you said to do. I am just praying it works. My anxiety is off the charts now. I have been to the doctor 3x's already for this. Each year it just gets worse and worse.

Thanks again.

Love,
Andrew

It makes me anxious too. Maybe it will help that we can talk about it here. :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

I have caution...

[Linus]

I don't want to intrude here but wanted to ask a question about the use of music to address mental illness. I ask this because it's something that a social worker suggested to my half-sister and interestingly, it seems to work. A bit of background: my half-sister was the sole witness to my mom's murder. This was a lot for an 8 year old to take in but coupled with that were a variety of conditions (i.e., Turner's syndrome, emotional abuse, slight Down's syndrome and, we suspect, OCD tendencies). What resulted was a form of schizophrenia and increased OCD behaviour. While she was already on a variety of medications to address other issues, the medication for the schizophrenia wasn't quite working. So the lead social worker in my sister's group setting suggested she listen to music (specifically Baroque classical) whenever the "experience" got to be too much.

Apparently this has helped huge with her ability to control things and has made it a more managable situation for herself. Granted, she'll never live on her own but she has a place of her own in a group setting, goes on trips, works, shops, etc. She's been using this for 5 years+ now and hasn't had any medication for her illness. Nor has she had major incidents. Certainly she can still focus on certain things endlessly and I cannot tell her about my transition (this would be too much and that is something I respect so I write to her with my birth name rather than my chosen name) but I did find it interesting.

So I was curious if others have used music as a mechanism to address other mental illnesses such as bi-polar, depression, anxiety, etc? And I wonder if it's the actual tempo or the attention is taken away from the illness and the mind focuses on something else or perhaps a combo of the two? Has anyone heard of this or been suggested this? Or was the social worker just lucky at the suggestion?

[Apocalipstic]

Hi Linus! :)

I know music therapy does exist and I know everything is better for me with music playing. It makes total sense :)

When I travel or even if I go to the grocery store and am anxious, on go my heaphones.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Linus,

I use music all the time. My anxiety is off the charts now that the holidays are coming up. I used to be able to listen and calm down when I was younger to Christmas music, but not anymore. My bio-father took my record player and records, and basically destroyed them when he was in a violent mood let's just say. I was listening to Christmas music at that particular time.

I listen to classical music when I go to bed at night. During the stressful times, I listen to easy listening music or show tunes. I have to be careful because sometimes I will have flashbacks if I get zoned out.

The one thing I will suggest to you, maybe when you go to see your sister, let her see you and touch your facial hair, and talk first. That maybe the way for her to communicate your transition.

You are always welcome here. I think how you are handling your family situation is just wonderful. My hat is off to you.

Love,
Andrew

[Selenay]

Ever heard a song on the radio that you haven't heard in 5 years? Many times, you'll still know every word. Music is one of the most pervasive memory triggers, and when used appropriately it can shift moods.


Studies have shown that strong beats can stimulate brain waves that bring forth sharper thinking and concentration,with slower tempos promoting meditative states. Likewise, your breathing and heart rates respond to musical tempos.

In response to the baroque music comment, Baroque (and new age, and shamanic, and. . . ) music generally has a pulse of 60 BPM, which can shift beta brain waves to alpha waves. Alpha waves are connected to calmness, whereas beta waves are connected to strong emotions.

[Unndunn]

Music therapy is an amazing thing and I've seen it help some people tremendously. It can be a treatment modality all by itself and a lot of patients will respond to having a choice of instruments, especially percussion and some gentle direction on how to express themselves. I'm not trained in music therapy, so I won't even try to go into the details of it.

In terms of using music as a tool to treat a mental illness or to lessen the symptoms, the most important thing to remember is that what we might think of as calming, someone else will be agitated by. I've had many patients that became agitated listening to classical music, regardless of the tempo of the songs. We changed our waiting room music at one clinic because of it. (I would advise against music in a waiting room, but we had paper thin walls and the noise machines weren't loud enough to block out raised voices). Choose what you like, and what has calmed you down in the past, or has motivated you. Music can be a great distraction, but can also be a trigger to those who have experienced trauma. Find what works for you, and set up playlists for your changing moods. Don't let anyone judge your choices-- suggestions are one thing, but don't let anyone tell you that you are listening to the wrong type of music if you know that it helps you to feel better, or to be distracted, or to have more energy. I had a 15 year old boy I worked with in long term therapy and the music that calmed his aggression and brought him down from feeling agitated was death metal. I don't know how it worked, I don't know why it had that effect, but it did.

Also, schizophrenics and other folks who have auditory hallucinations (AH), ie hearing voices, often find that listening to music with earphones helps them to block out negative AH and function in the world.

I've got my sad yet soothing music, my I just want to feel better and not think music (usually disco lol) and all sorts of other playlists on my mp3 player.

Great question, Linus!

[Andrew, Jr.]

3 days ago my bio-father was rushed to the hospital. His diabetes is out of control, he has bronch./pnemonia, and his heart rhythm is causing his pacemaker to go off. Now he is on dialysis. I was called late last night by my bio-mother. She asked me to call my siblings because she just couldn't. :twitch: Now my twitch has come back (from my ocd) and it starting up again. Shit. No other way to say it.

My stress level is wayyy up there. There is this one nurse or cnp who is nasty, and has the personality of a pea. I am just waiting to say :shutup: which is so unlike me (really). I think that pretty much summs up my anxiety level.

[Apocalipstic]

3 days ago my bio-father was rushed to the hospital. His diabetes is out of control, he has bronch./pnemonia, and his heart rhythm is causing his pacemaker to go off. Now he is on dialysis. I was called late last night by my bio-mother. She asked me to call my siblings because she just couldn't. :twitch: Now my twitch has come back (from my ocd) and it starting up again. Shit. No other way to say it.

My stress level is wayyy up there. There is this one nurse or cnp who is nasty, and has the personality of a pea. I am just waiting to say :shutup: which is so unlike me (really). I think that pretty much summs up my anxiety level.


I completely understand, dealing with most family stuff gives me a twitch.

Remember (and I have a hard time with this myself) the nurse works for you, you don't work for her. If someone is nasty, tell their superior.

[Andrew, Jr.]

This place is so dirty. OMG. I am washing my hands all the times. I just went thru the hand sanitizers my mother had. Now, I am back and forth in the bathroom washing, and washing. I am back to step 1.

[MsTinkerbelly]

Hi there all...

I'm joining in the middle of the thread, and I hope that's okay.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short. It is often passed along down the female side of the family, and I have noticed that my mother has it and my daughter is showing signs. BPD affects 2% of the population, mostly women.

It took the break up of my relationship to finally figure out what was wrong, and why I was unable to form lasting friendships and relationships. My Marriage is now back on track, and all of my interactions are becoming easier in general. Oh I still have BPD, and I still don't like most people, but the way I deal with people is changing every day. I can regulate myself better, although I still occasionally do lose all perspective and have an episode.

When I am completely stressed I have OCD issues, where I check over and over for my keys before I can leave the house or get out of my car. When those episodes begin, I keep my keys in my hand and stare at them as I exit. It is not a cure, but at least I can move.

Thank you all for sharing...it really helps to know I am not alone.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Hi and Welcome BlushingFemme!:hangloose:

[Mindy]

Music is great. I find that it often helps make my mood brighter when I'm feeling down. There are times, though, when i'm down that I listen to stuff that makes my mood worse, because I'm listening to music that "fits" my mood. A lot of times when I'm angry and upset I like to listen to loud, angry music with the volume on high. I'll listen to it a bit, do housework and the movement and the music makes me feel better after a bit. When I'm feeling better, the volume goes down and the music style changes. Can't do it where I'm living now, no loud music, no music at all unless it's through my head phones, otherwise there are fights over the music. I live with music haters! lol... not really, we just have huge differences on what constitutes "good" music.

[JustLovelyJenn]

The question about music in relation to treatment for mental illness is quite ironic to me at the moment. I too fair far better with the world when I see it beyond the blare of my music, but financial situations have not allowed me to have a CD player or mp3 player for myself in quite some time.

I just recently started throwing a CD in the DVD player to do my work again. I can't tell you how much of a Godsend music is. It calms my anxiety, releases my tension and makes the world a manageable place again. When I am angry, I put on a song and sing my lungs out. When I want to cry I put on something with a beat and focus on the rhythm. Without music I would never make it through a day, even without the CD playing I am singing to myself. I would have given up on trying so long ago if it weren't for the music.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Music is good but who else on here does the journaling and writing?

[MsTinkerbelly]

Music can calm me down faster than anything else...especially Christmas songs. They say that Christmas music (especially up tempo) releases lots of good endorphins into the system.

I journal and write decent poetry only when unhappy...I have been unable to write anything of importance in quite a while. The writing pulls me deeper into myself, and makes things so much worse! I do a lot of self checking now when I feel the urge to write.

[Apocalipstic]

Music can calm me down faster than anything else...especially Christmas songs. They say that Christmas music (especially up tempo) releases lots of good endorphins into the system.

I journal and write decent poetry only when unhappy...I have been unable to write anything of importance in quite a while. The writing pulls me deeper into myself, and makes things so much worse! I do a lot of self checking now when I feel the urge to write.

I general write when I am unhappy too.

In college, I tried a poetry group. My poetry would be about shattering into frozen shards and everyone else's was about things like their granddad's canoe.

[MsTinkerbelly]

I general write when I am unhappy too.

In college, I tried a poetry group. My poetry would be about shattering into frozen shards and everyone else's was about things like their granddad's canoe.

OMG! This made me laugh so hard...not because it is funny, but because you sound so much like my "spinning into the ever widening abyss" style of writing. It was a relief to think that someone understands what I am saying, and it made me feel good! Thank you so much....

[Apocalipstic]

OMG! This made me laugh so hard...not because it is funny, but because you sound so much like my "spinning into the ever widening abyss" style of writing. It was a relief to think that someone understands what I am saying, and it made me feel good! Thank you so much....


Right there with ya and on the same page!

Yeay!

[atomiczombie]

Hi there all...

I'm joining in the middle of the thread, and I hope that's okay.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD for short. It is often passed along down the female side of the family, and I have noticed that my mother has it and my daughter is showing signs. BPD affects 2% of the population, mostly women.

It took the break up of my relationship to finally figure out what was wrong, and why I was unable to form lasting friendships and relationships. My Marriage is now back on track, and all of my interactions are becoming easier in general. Oh I still have BPD, and I still don't like most people, but the way I deal with people is changing every day. I can regulate myself better, although I still occasionally do lose all perspective and have an episode.

When I am completely stressed I have OCD issues, where I check over and over for my keys before I can leave the house or get out of my car. When those episodes begin, I keep my keys in my hand and stare at them as I exit. It is not a cure, but at least I can move.

Thank you all for sharing...it really helps to know I am not alone.

I think it's amazing that you realized you were BPD, and I commend you for taking responsibility for that! That is a very tough thing to do, given the nature of BPD. Most people with it have no clue they have it, let alone take responsibility for it and make a real effort to change. KUDOS!!! :gimmehug:

[MsTinkerbelly]

I think it's amazing that you realized you were BPD, and I commend you for taking responsibility for that! That is a very tough thing to do, given the nature of BPD. Most people with it have no clue they have it, let alone take responsibility for it and make a real effort to change. KUDOS!!! :gimmehug:

Thank you very much. I worked with people with Mental Health issues for 16years, and I knew deep inside something was wrong; the inability to form lasting relationships was very troubling for me.

BPD is a really strange disease, in that you blame EVERYONE else for your problems and issues, and it all seems quite rational.

[Unndunn]

I journal and write decent poetry only when unhappy...I have been unable to write anything of importance in quite a while. The writing pulls me deeper into myself, and makes things so much worse! I do a lot of self checking now when I feel the urge to write.


I write song lyrics when I'm depressed. I can't get into picking up my guitar and figuring out the chord progressions, or even just wanting to strum a bit, but I can write some amazing lyrics. I just can't do much else.

[atomiczombie]

Thank you very much. I worked with people with Mental Health issues for 16years, and I knew deep inside something was wrong; the inability to form lasting relationships was very troubling for me.

BPD is a really strange disease, in that you blame EVERYONE else for your problems and issues, and it all seems quite rational.

Yes, my ex-wife has it and has no clue. She is verbally and emotionally abusive on top of that, which makes her impossible to deal with rationally. I have had to distance myself from her, which is sad because she has a side that is wonderful. That is the side I fell in love with, but eventually I couldn't deal with her blaming me for everything when she said things that were cruel to me. I understand that she is ill. I think if she realized what was going on and got help she could be a wonderful person to be around. But my leaving her wasn't a wake-up call, and her losing her daughter wasn't either. I don't think she will ever understand what is really going on and that is sad.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Today I went and saw my father in the hospital. I had to wear and gown, gloves, mask, and hat. He is being quaranteened because of having a gastric bacteria infection from diabetes on top of pnen. and bronc. He is really sick, and has been in the hospital for over a week from what I have learned today. He isn't being released any time soon.

Today, after I went in, I felt like I should just take all my clothes off and shower. It was horrible. Then there were cracks in the sidewalk going in and out of the hospital. And to top it off, the carpeting was in a pattern. I had to take my meds 3x's to just function. It was just that overwhelming. My anxiety level on a scale of 1 to 10 was well over 10.

No, I am not a drug addict as someone once said about me. And yes, I was in touch with my doctor about this situation. I think when someone is so compulsive as I am (and trust me I am very compulsive), I make sure that I take care of myself. It would be wrong not too. My thinking is this, it would be the same as having a seizure (grand mal) one day, and the very next day going for a long drive on a busy expressway.

Anyway, I just wanted to share. Nobody is an island. We are all in this together.

Namaste,
Andrew
:cigar:

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Wow, shocked to see that some people only write when unhappy.

I journal happy or sad, I guess once something sticks it sticks.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Yes, my ex-wife has it and has no clue. She is verbally and emotionally abusive on top of that, which makes her impossible to deal with rationally. I have had to distance myself from her, which is sad because she has a side that is wonderful. That is the side I fell in love with, but eventually I couldn't deal with her blaming me for everything when she said things that were cruel to me. I understand that she is ill. I think if she realized what was going on and got help she could be a wonderful person to be around. But my leaving her wasn't a wake-up call, and her losing her daughter wasn't either. I don't think she will ever understand what is really going on and that is sad.

AZ, one of my ex's was the same as your ex-wife, abusive in all forms, etc.

I am glad we both got out and are taking care of ourselves.

[Unndunn]

Wow, shocked to see that some people only write when unhappy.

I journal happy or sad, I guess once something sticks it sticks.

I don't know about anyone else who writes when depressed, but for me it's not about wanting to write, it's about being able to write. When I am happy I don't "feel" it and I'm usually off doing other things. When I'm depressed (way different than just being sad) I am stuck in my feelings more, and tend to dissect everything going on in my life, my heart, my head and out of that comes my writing, which is almost always in the form of lyrics. I've tried putting pen to paper when I'm happy, or just feeling okay, but it doesn't have the same result-- not by a long shot. I'm not sure how it is for other people.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I don't know about anyone else who writes when depressed, but for me it's not about wanting to write, it's about being able to write. When I am happy I don't "feel" it and I'm usually off doing other things. When I'm depressed (way different than just being sad) I am stuck in my feelings more, and tend to dissect everything going on in my life, my heart, my head and out of that comes my writing, which is almost always in the form of lyrics. I've tried putting pen to paper when I'm happy, or just feeling okay, but it doesn't have the same result-- not by a long shot. I'm not sure how it is for other people.


Do you write poetry, prose or just journal?

[Darth Denkay]

Hey all!

I feel as though I've been MIA for quite some time now - in reality I think it's been about 4 days. Unfortunately my online time is sometimes really limited.

There have been so many posts that I was going to respond to, but my post would get completely out of control. For the moment, let me just say how nice it is to have a place to share our stuff. I really admire everyone for being willing to put yourselves out there. I think we've created a really great space here, and I hope my involvement can be more regular.

I am happy to say that right now I'm not really "feeling" my depression, seem to have things under control. This is really cool, especially for the holiday season, but I try to avoid all the hoopla and keep my holiday simple. Actually, in the past things have gotten difficult for me after the holidays - January can be tough, which sucks cause my birthday is in January. But so far so good. Recently we have touched on a couple interesting topics. I do utilize music, more for anxiety than depression but it certain can be helpful for both. My music of choice is classical, jazz, big band. For the most part any music with words doesn't work - I think the words distract me and keep me from feeling the power of the music itself. There is one exception to this - I can listen to broadway and it work. Don't know why but apparently those lyrics don't distract me the way others do.

As far as journaling/writing, that's not something that helpful for me. Other types of art therapy haven't proven helpful for me either. I think maybe what I need is to just relax and let the music carry me; anything that requires me to create doesn't work.

Hoping everyone is taking care of you as best you can, and remember, we're all in this silly world together.

[JustLovelyJenn]

Wow, shocked to see that some people only write when unhappy.

I journal happy or sad, I guess once something sticks it sticks.

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths

[MsTinkerbelly]

Yes, my ex-wife has it and has no clue. She is verbally and emotionally abusive on top of that, which makes her impossible to deal with rationally. I have had to distance myself from her, which is sad because she has a side that is wonderful. That is the side I fell in love with, but eventually I couldn't deal with her blaming me for everything when she said things that were cruel to me. I understand that she is ill. I think if she realized what was going on and got help she could be a wonderful person to be around. But my leaving her wasn't a wake-up call, and her losing her daughter wasn't either. I don't think she will ever understand what is really going on and that is sad.


From what I have read, there are MANY different types of BPD. Mine manifests in feeling like everyone is out to "get"me, and that nothing I do is right. I am not verbally or physically abusive, I just shutdown completely and detach from life, which my Kasey HATES. I am also very afraid that those I love will leave me or die, so I will leave first or distance myself from them emotionally.

From what I have read I am one of the "lucky" ones who can actually stop themselves in the middle of an episode and evaluate whether or not I am appropriately angry. It is so darn annoying when I realize I am mad for no reason, or that I have blown something way out of proportion. If I could just do that BEFORE I get crazy I would feel so much better.

But I guess if that were the case, I wouldn't have BPD.:seeingstars:

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths


I am the same mostly, with writing mostly when happy, when down my bi polar has my head going 90 to nothing and other stressers so writing doesn't come up to the forefront of top things to do on my list.

[NotAnAverageGuy]

a few things aggravate my bi polar:

unruly kids who don't listen to their parents or most now adays anything kid related

when i hear excuses for many things as to why the problem hasn't been fixed regarding certain issues

people who open their mouth and can't back up what they say when it comes down to a fight and use the term WHATEVER

people who talk down to me as if I am a small child

This shit pisses me off to the point I take matters into my own hands, I have to get things done for anything to be fixed, etc which puts stress on me when the stress shouldn't be placed on me.

It not only makes me manic but EXTREMELY aggressive and no amount of sedatives will work.

[friskyfemme]

I haven't posted about writing, yet... because I wasn't sure exactly how to express why and when I write, but this really acted as a catalyst for my explanation. I can and have written both happy and sad, however I actually tend to write MORE when I am happy. When I am going through any sort of depression, one of my major contributors to my anxiety and depression is that my head seems to be too full, moving too fast, and I can not piece things together in a way that seems coherent or logical. Because of this it is more difficult for me to write at these times. I write a lot when I am happy, mostly music... but some poetry... If I do write when I am depressed it is only when I seem to have been pushed to a point of obsessing on a particular worry or thing that is or has happened. Then I write, and its always very dark then. Poetry, never music, and frequently vivid analogies and representations. The other thing I notice about my poetry from these periods is that I use it to force myself to see a good, a reason to move past whatever the issue is. Its my way of driving myself back into the light. Even with the dark imagery, there is always a message of hope... I would love to share one of these with you.

Phoenix

Bright and beautiful my soul is drawn to the flames
Drawn in and bewitched
I am warmed by the heat of the fire
I see by its glow
And I walk further
Stepping into the heart of the blaze
For an instant there is heaven
An undaunted happiness before the pain
Then what I held so precious becomes and inferno
Burning out of control
Taking compassion, affection, friendship, more
And twisting it
Turning it deep and dangerous
Bright colors lick at my skin
Scalding first
Then scorching
Devouring my flesh
Scoring to the bone
And then
Nothing
What I am is gone,
Disintegrated by the intensity before me
Around me
Without me to feed it the heat wanes
Dies away
After the last flame is gone
I remain as ashes
Paralyzed and unfeeling
Distanced from the world around me
Yet still I walk
Still I talk and listen, work and bleed
But never cry
Never morn what was lost
Time passes and stands till
Weather changes, coursing through me
New eyes
And I cry, I morn and live again
Rising from the ashes of love past
Stronger, safer, wiser
I have felt the heat and the pain
Experienced the bliss and the loss
Now I know its worth
For just a moment of what I have know
It is worth a million deaths to find again
New eyes
Brown with golden specs
Beckoning, calling
And I fly
Soaring into the heavens and back again
I may land or I may not
But the chance is worth a million deaths
Jenn
Your poem is very graphic...it is also very compelling...I don't know if you will be offended by my next statement...'but welldone'(no offense intended). I am impressed by persons who can write so well when in emotional turmoil. I cannot write when upset, even though I love to write (when I'm happy). I have tried writing when sad, mad, or depressed. It makes perfect sense when I am writing it but readback...LOL...well even I have a hard time understanding what I wrote. LOL. I am more about doing something physical...walking, dancing, screaming(sometimes all at once). This seems to realign me.
With my dyslexia, if I am upset, I can't logically speak sometimes. The more I try to communicate with someone the more frustrated I get...the less I can make any verbal or written sense. You get the idea.

[Andrew, Jr.]

FF,

Your post makes 100% sense to me. That is my life pretty much in words.

I mean what I say, and I say what I mean = but it comes out backwards pretty much most of the time or I use the wrong words.

Thank you.

Andrew

[NotAnAverageGuy]

I finally saw the commercial Andrew spoke about, I like it

It shows that we as mentally ill people need a support system other than dr's and such, family is always a good support system if they take the time to educate themselves and work hard in dealing with us on a daily basis.

Hopefully the stigma can go away sooner

[Andrew, Jr.]

The ads are s l o w l y making it on tv. I think they are wonderfully done. My hat is off to each and everyone involved with making them.

[T D]

Dialectical Behavior Therapy, or otherwise known as DBT, was originally created by Marsha M. Linehan PhD to treat Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a therapeutic methodology developed by Marsha M. Linehan, a psychology researcher at the University of Washington, to treat persons with borderline personality disorder (BPD). DBT combines standard cognitive-behavioral techniques for emotion regulation and reality-testing with concepts of mindful awareness, distress tolerance, and acceptance largely derived from Buddhist meditative practice. DBT is the first therapy that has been experimentally demonstrated to be effective for treating BPD. Research indicates that DBT is also effective in treating patients who represent varied symptoms and behaviors associated with spectrum mood disorders, including self-injury.

I was in two different DBT classes for close to 2 years. While I have not be diagnosed with BPD, DBT has proven to be helpful with other disorders as well. It works, I can vouch for that. It is however a bit difficult to grasp and put into action, so it takes time. It takes a LOT of practice, over and over and over again. It basically consists of retraining yourself to stop and observe your emotions before reacting, which I'm sure you can imagine is NOT easy. You learn to use your wise mind and to embrace acceptance, acceptance mostly of the situation and/or your life as it is. There are no judgements.

Anyway, for those who don't know I thought this might be useful and/or informative :)

Happy Holidays!!

[Andrew, Jr.]

TD,

I meditate. It helps tremendously imho. I also have taken on Buddist beliefs, and that has really helped me with the loss of my sister. :rainsing:

Now, my ocd is still pretty bad. The repetition is the worst. The checking/rechecking, counting, and I do have good news - the handwashing stopped. Just out of the blue. I stopped. :rudreindeer: Go figure.

Thank you for your post. It was great!

[la_la]

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

[T D]

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz

As a therapist once said to me, "you did what you could with what you had to work with at the time." End of story. Don't judge yourself, just accept that it was what it was at the time. Today is a different time.

Wishing you the best on your new dating experiences :)

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Thanks for sharing La la

I too have done the caretaker and it did cost me as well, you are not alone out there in this world

Welcome to the thread

[Andrew, Jr.]

Thank you for telling your story here, La La. My bio-father is mentally ill. He was very violent. But he was also violent emotionally, spiritually, intelluctually, physically, and sexually. The worst for me was the physical violence and the emotional abuse. Just horrible. I can't even express it.

Now he is terminally ill, and I have forgiven him. However, I don't forget. It is with me every single day. The one thing I have over him is inner peace. One day my father will meet his maker, and he will have to explain his behavior to God. I do not want to be in my father's shoes. But I am working on judgement. I so want to judge my father, but that is God's job, not mine.

[la_la]

Thank you for telling your story here, La La. My bio-father is mentally ill. He was very violent. But he was also violent emotionally, spiritually, intelluctually, physically, and sexually. The worst for me was the physical violence and the emotional abuse. Just horrible. I can't even express it.

Now he is terminally ill, and I have forgiven him. However, I don't forget. It is with me every single day. The one thing I have over him is inner peace. One day my father will meet his maker, and he will have to explain his behavior to God. I do not want to be in my father's shoes. But I am working on judgement. I so want to judge my father, but that is God's job, not mine.

Andrew,

Do you know if your bio-Father was violent because of his mental illness or because it was his nature?
This was the mixed message I got from my ex's therapists in that some say it had to do with the illness and some say it was personality.
Please give me your honest opinion

Peace
'iz

[la_la]

T D and Andrew Jr.

Thank you so very much for your kind and caring words. I think one of the reasons I am still struggling in this area is I do not talk about it at all.
With everything else in my life I am a complete open book but there are aspects of this time in my life that I absolutely refuse to open the door and talk about.
Perhaps this is the reason I posted. Maybe its time to talk and admit what I went through.
I can tell you reading all your posts here for the last few weeks has given me a comfort level I have never known with respect to honesty. This is not to say that I am dishonest but, I use humour to hide the bad stuff and rarely open myself in this way.
I thank everyones' posting that has touched me and helped me talk about this.

Peace,
'iz

[friskyfemme]

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz
Dear Sis,
I am so happy to hear you are moving forward into your life. A decade s a long time to remain dormant. I do understand how hard is too trust. Just take it slow and enjoy your journey.

[friskyfemme]

I don't really want to be on this thread and I certainly do not really want to be writing but this is exactly what I am doing and I am not sure why. Not even sure what I am going to say and how much of it will make sense.
I was with my ex for 12 yrs. I was very young (19) and very ignorant of life and the world around me.
My ex was mentally ill. I am told by some therapists that the abuse I suffered daily was because of the mental illness. Other therapist disagree with this.
My long internal struggle to accept the abusive and cruel behavior cost me me.
I convinced myself that I was the caretaker at whatever sacrifice it took because I made a vow through sickness and health. Mental health is a sickness. Abuse was part of that behavior. And so it went on for a decade until it was so bad that my partner was permanently institutionalized in a mental hospital over a decade ago. And me? Well after a very good attempt at suicide I have not been in a relationship for more than a decade.
I have gotten better in trusting and letting people in thanks to therapy and volunteering at CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). So much so I made the decision to start dating this past summer.
I feel stronger and healthier in all aspects of my life but I have not come to terms with the choices I made to care for my partner.

Peace,
'iz
Dear Sis,
I am so happy to hear you are moving forward into your life. A decade s a long time to remain dormant. I do understand how hard is too trust. Just take it slow and enjoy your journey.

[la_la]

T D and Andrew Jr.

Thank you so very much for your kind and caring words. I think one of the reasons I am still struggling in this area is I do not talk about it at all.
With everything else in my life I am a complete open book but there are aspects of this time in my life that I absolutely refuse to open the door and talk about.
Perhaps this is the reason I posted. Maybe its time to talk and admit what I went through.
I can tell you reading all your posts here for the last few weeks has given me a comfort level I have never known with respect to honesty. This is not to say that I am dishonest but, I use humour to hide the bad stuff and rarely open myself in this way.
I thank everyones' posting that has touched me and helped me talk about this.

Peace,
'iz

[NotAnAverageGuy]

T D and Andrew Jr.

Thank you so very much for your kind and caring words. I think one of the reasons I am still struggling in this area is I do not talk about it at all.
With everything else in my life I am a complete open book but there are aspects of this time in my life that I absolutely refuse to open the door and talk about.
Perhaps this is the reason I posted. Maybe its time to talk and admit what I went through.
I can tell you reading all your posts here for the last few weeks has given me a comfort level I have never known with respect to honesty. This is not to say that I am dishonest but, I use humour to hide the bad stuff and rarely open myself in this way.
I thank everyones' posting that has touched me and helped me talk about this.

Peace,
'iz


Talking about things seems to help alot of people, there are lots of us who will listen and talk, don't be afraid to say how you feel.

[la_la]

Talking about things seems to help alot of people, there are lots of us who will listen and talk, don't be afraid to say how you feel.

Thanks so much NotAnAverageGuy. It helps so much to know that there is someone listening and helping if they can.

Peace,
'iz

[NotAnAverageGuy]

Thanks so much NotAnAverageGuy. It helps so much to know that there is someone listening and helping if they can.

Peace,
'iz

No problem hun

[Andrew, Jr.]

We are all here for each other. I just hope and pray for miracles every day for those who suffer, and for caregivers.

Nobody is an island. Nobody. :dance2::dance2:

[Andrew, Jr.]

La_La,

I am sorry I missed your question to me yesterday. I never saw it.

My bio-father is mentally ill. One minute he can be like a lamb, and the next a vicious shark. His moods change at the drop of a hat. It is something all of my siblings and I had to deal with growing up. The only thing I can compare it with - it would be an alcoholic. Even being terminally ill, he still creates havoc. It just shows his nature. He loves to create chaos.

Does this help?

Andrew

[Soon]

Depression's Upside (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?em)

[Apocalipstic]

I just wanted to bump the thread an see who is still around and how everone is feeling?

I am working on my boundaries and how to know when something is OK or not for me...I struggle with that. My therapist says if something does not seem right to me (for me) then it is not right for me.

It seems so simple.

Can it be?

[Andrew, Jr.]

For me, my boundaries are reasonable. I feel and believe certain truths. Some people I do believe, and trust in. Then there are some people who are outright liars seeking attention so they throw people under the bus to be a part of a click or group. This is both in real time and online. It is human nature. I was reminded of this by The Lady Snow and Sir Daywalker when I was talking about a Native American Indian movie I had just watched. It seems simple, but it isn't to have boundaries. It is hard. And I am sensitive, so it makes it even harder for me.

I struggle with new people who I have a new relationship with. I have no idea about their past. I am concerned with learning about them. However, if someone doesn't understand my limitations/disabilities they will not understand me.

I am more vocal online than in real time. I feel like the computer is easier for me to use. It is my voice. What is inside doesn't come out right. And some people are offended by what I say. It never is meant in a negative or nasty intention. Never.

However, lately, I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. No matter what I say, it isn't the right words. Thank God we have Linus here. He has given us the smilies that do help me.

I have been in therapy for a number of years, but I had to stop. My therapists had exposed my sessions to my father. Now, this was long before HIPPA Rules/Laws were in effect, and other laws to protect the victims.

One of the biggest problems I have had held against me is gossip of me having multiple personalities. This was never undercovered in any of my therapy. I was just diagnosed with GID. I have my letters for srs, and hrt. That is it. It is rumors and gossip like this that piss me off. People just have too much time on their hands I think or are the ones intentionally seeking to hurt me. What they don't realize is that there are some folks here online who do have that disorder, and do seek comfort online here for that. Their unkind remarks really hurt those folks, not me. So in hurting one - me, you really hurt all of us, which is a Buddist principle, which I practice. I try to stress this but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I am not sure of why.

[Apocalipstic]

For me, my boundaries are reasonable. I feel and believe certain truths. Some people I do believe, and trust in. Then there are some people who are outright liars seeking attention so they throw people under the bus to be a part of a click or group. This is both in real time and online. It is human nature. I was reminded of this by The Lady Snow and Sir Daywalker when I was talking about a Native American Indian movie I had just watched. It seems simple, but it isn't to have boundaries. It is hard. And I am sensitive, so it makes it even harder for me.

I struggle with new people who I have a new relationship with. I have no idea about their past. I am concerned with learning about them. However, if someone doesn't understand my limitations/disabilities they will not understand me.

I am more vocal online than in real time. I feel like the computer is easier for me to use. It is my voice. What is inside doesn't come out right. And some people are offended by what I say. It never is meant in a negative or nasty intention. Never.

However, lately, I feel like a misfit. I just don't belong. No matter what I say, it isn't the right words. Thank God we have Linus here. He has given us the smilies that do help me.

I have been in therapy for a number of years, but I had to stop. My therapists had exposed my sessions to my father. Now, this was long before HIPPA Rules/Laws were in effect, and other laws to protect the victims.

One of the biggest problems I have had held against me is gossip of me having multiple personalities. This was never undercovered in any of my therapy. I was just diagnosed with GID. I have my letters for srs, and hrt. That is it. It is rumors and gossip like this that piss me off. People just have too much time on their hands I think or are the ones intentionally seeking to hurt me. What they don't realize is that there are some folks here online who do have that disorder, and do seek comfort online here for that. Their unkind remarks really hurt those folks, not me. So in hurting one - me, you really hurt all of us, which is a Buddist principle, which I practice. I try to stress this but it seems to fall on deaf ears. I am not sure of why.


I really do wonder if it's the neurological differences that account for most of this Andrew. I don't get it either.

I too am amazed at some of the lies I see...not on this website, but in real life. Lies and secrets. I am not even good at feelings, and some of it seems so blaringly obvious.

I am very sensitive too and have always been. My meds help, but I think we are similar in that regard.

I can't even imgine how it must have feel for your therapists to not have kept your confidence. A doctor once told my father some stuff and I am still not over it. The feeling of no privacy or betrayal. I am so sorry this happened to you. Do know that if you return to therapy no one can say a word of it at the cost of their careers.

[Andrew, Jr.]

Oh yes, I know that now. I think it was a darn shame, and I know that the therapist that did this to me is now well aware of what she did to me. I showed up at her office after a beating. I wanted her to see for herself what the result was of her conversation w/my father. She will live with that image for the remainder of her life.

I am glad you understand. I just feel...so very alone. I am tired of being a punching bag. Like I am delusional, not dealing with reality, and so on and on. It is very hurtful. This just goes on and on from 1 site to another to another.

Andrew

[Apocalipstic]

Oh yes, I know that now. I think it was a darn shame, and I know that the therapist that did this to me is now well aware of what she did to me. I showed up at her office after a beating. I wanted her to see for herself what the result was of her conversation w/my father. She will live with that image for the remainder of her life.

I am glad you understand. I just feel...so very alone. I am tired of being a punching bag. Like I am delusional, not dealing with reality, and so on and on. It is very hurtful. This just goes on and on from 1 site to another to another.

Andrew


Maybe meditate on blocking it?

Focus on Spring and your babies. There are great things happening Andrew. We need to look at the good things and stay away from the bad. Especially now that we both are so spun out....we need to block out the rest.

Bit once gave me a great piece of advice, she said If I thought I saw my father around (he is dead and I was "seeing" him and hearing him) to take up an imaginary spray can of smoke or something like that and just spray him away. Maybe you could do that in your mind to people who make you feel beat up...spray their voices away.

I have met you in person, you are a good guy... just are going to have to learn to block better. I still don't think being around your father is a good idea at all, but I am biased.

My therapist says if we think we are crazy, then we are not.

[Andrew, Jr.]

I can remember being told the same exact thing by my therapist. Wow...I had forgotten that principle.

I am going to be using the spray can. Oh yes. That will come in handy. I am avoiding my father now. The last time I saw him, it was a nasty 10 min. together time. I mean nasty. :crap: Then when my perfect sister walked in the room, you would have thought Jesus Christ walked in the room Himself. It was the difference between night and day with him.

[Darth Denkay]

Depression's Upside??? Nope, not buying it.

I live with major depressive disorder. This means that regardless of how wonderful every single aspect of my life is, I have a chemical imbalance which, if not managed, will render me unable to survive. There is no upside to this. There is no upside to taking medication every day so that I don't slip into the deep abyss.

Throughout their life, most folks will experience sadness, perhaps even depression, in response to significant life stressors. Sadness/depression allow/help us to 1) know that something has happened that we need to deal with, 2)slow us down so that we can focus, and 3) helps us know when we are overcoming sadness (among many other roles that basic sadness serves). This is normal, and though not pleasant, it is healthy and helpful. Major Depressive Disorder - major depression that is not linked to an exterior event, is not healthy or helpful.

I like Darwin. I think he had a lot of really grand ideas and I do buy some of his theory. However, he was in a position where his own circumstance (apparently living with a clinical mental disorder) went against the very focus of his theory. Because depression is prevalent, then it must be useful, because if it isn't it goes against survival of the fittest and makes his grand plan moot.

We can't say for certain what Darwin's situation was. We can conjecture on what diagnosis/es he might have had, but we can't know. Finally, we can't look at his life as some sort of evidence that actually, depression can have a good side. Normal sadness - yes. Clinical depression - oh hell no.


Depression's Upside (http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/magazine/28depression-t.html?em)

[Darth Denkay]

Hello all, good to see Andrew and Apocalipstic around. I'd been meaning to bump this thread so check in - you guys beat me to it.

I'm doing okay, seem to be well-maintained. Drugs, therapy, coping mechanisms - that's what makes my life go round. Not much else to report here...

[socialjustice_fsu]

Hello all, good to see Andrew and Apocalipstic around. I'd been meaning to bump this thread so check in - you guys beat me to it.

I'm doing okay, seem to be well-maintained. Drugs, therapy, coping mechanisms - that's what makes my life go round. Not much else to report here...


Kayden,
As always good to see you around! Please know you are thought about often and I am always one of your cheerleaders to encourage you on to do great things. You are special to many. - Tamara

[Andrew, Jr.]

There is no upside to depression, in my opinion. My entire family, going back generations have this. So, there is no upside about it. It is pure hell from my perspective. I am someone who is very tired of fighting it each and every day but does with my boots on.

Andrew
:flying:

[JustLovelyJenn]

I wanted to say hello again. I havent been on in ever so long. But, I am back once again, in need of my outlet, some place to speak my mind. Some place to feel excepted.

I am going through a phase again, felling unmotivated, depressed, overwhelmed. Slowly things are getting better, but they are not there yet. I wish I could get my mother to understand how much she makes things worse sometimes. That asking me why I am crying and telling me how ridiculous it is only makes me want to cry more. That when I am overwhelmed, sick, just been woke up, and in pain... crying goes along with it all and I don't really have a choice.

Anyway, enough of my rant. I am glad to see this thread still active. Thank you all for being here, even if i wasn't for a while.

[Apocalipstic]

I wanted to say hello again. I havent been on in ever so long. But, I am back once again, in need of my outlet, some place to speak my mind. Some place to feel excepted.

I am going through a phase again, felling unmotivated, depressed, overwhelmed. Slowly things are getting better, but they are not there yet. I wish I could get my mother to understand how much she makes things worse sometimes. That asking me why I am crying and telling me how ridiculous it is only makes me want to cry more. That when I am overwhelmed, sick, just been woke up, and in pain... crying goes along with it all and I don't really have a choice.

Anyway, enough of my rant. I am glad to see this thread still active. Thank you all for being here, even if i wasn't for a while.

I totally get that!

It would seem obvious that telling you you are being ridiculous when you are crying would only make it worse. UGH.

Do you live with your Mom? Is there a way to avoid her during those times?

Actually, it's good for you to cry and vent and I hope you find a safe place to cry and feel free to come here and vent with us any time.

I am in hoped that Spring will help us all feel a bit better! :)

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jenn,
There is nothing wrong with crying. Nothing at all. In fact, I posted in one of the threads that it is really lightening the load to cry in so many words. It is ok to cry, even in public. What use is it to hold it inside? None. Everyone cries. Everyone.

Anyone who says differently is a bold face liar. I will be happy to state that for the record as well, or to their face. When my father tried to pull that crap with me at my sister's funeral, I came nose to nose with him in the Parish, and I asked him to just leave. So trust me, go ahead & let it rip. I know that if you asked any of the guys or gals here, they would all agree with me. Ok? Ok.

As for venting, we are all ears. Go right ahead. We will listen.

Love,
Andrew
ox

[JustLovelyJenn]

I totally get that!

It would seem obvious that telling you you are being ridiculous when you are crying would only make it worse. UGH.

Do you live with your Mom? Is there a way to avoid her during those times?

Actually, it's good for you to cry and vent and I hope you find a safe place to cry and feel free to come here and vent with us any time.

I am in hoped that Spring will help us all feel a bit better! :)



Jenn,
There is nothing wrong with crying. Nothing at all. In fact, I posted in one of the threads that it is really lightening the load to cry in so many words. It is ok to cry, even in public. What use is it to hold it inside? None. Everyone cries. Everyone.

Anyone who says differently is a bold face liar. I will be happy to state that for the record as well, or to their face. When my father tried to pull that crap with me at my sister's funeral, I came nose to nose with him in the Parish, and I asked him to just leave. So trust me, go ahead & let it rip. I know that if you asked any of the guys or gals here, they would all agree with me. Ok? Ok.

As for venting, we are all ears. Go right ahead. We will listen.

Love,
Andrew
ox






Thank you both for your responses.

I do live with my parents. I moved back in with them when I got custody of my children back from their father. Hopefully it wont be forever, but, it will be at least until I finish college. I am going back to school in a year or two to get my teaching certificate.

I have a 5 year old son with special needs (most probably autistic) and a 7 year old daughter. I knew when I took them back that I couldn't handle it on my own right now. My anxiety sometimes just makes it so hard, especially while my son is so young still. I need my mothers help, and she helps most of the time, but it seems when I really need the help most she reverts to the old school attitude she grew up with and tells me its all in my head and that all I have to do is just decide not to feel overwhelmed or upset... When I need her most she refuses to help, that is until I loose it and end up locked in my room...

[Andrew, Jr.]

Jenn,

It sounds like we are around the same age. I am 46 yo. I do think that our parents come from that age of thinking. For example, "snap out of it" or like you said "it's all in your head". When I was in my young teens I was suffering from a horrible bout of depression. I asked my mother if I could go talk to my doctor. I received a punishment for even thinking that. I was looked at like I had 3 heads on my body.

I totally get it. You most definitely have my support and compassion. I will be praying for you. Take care of yourself.

Namaste,
Andrew