Long Distance Relationships [Archive]

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Linus

06-13-2010, 07:16 PM

When K and I started going out, we were across borders (Toronto and NYC). When I finally moved here, we lived together for nearly 3 years. She moved back out West (Los Angeles) to be closer to her family and find a job. I'll be moving out there at the end of August. I had forgotten how difficult it is to be apart from the one you love.

I'm reminded each night when I go to bed alone.

I'm reminded each day by the silence (only broken by Bobcat who whines for K).

There are a variety of little tricks that we use to stay in contact (e.g., online talking, phone date nights, etc.)

I thought it might be useful for those who are just starting LDRs or have "forced" LDRs due to factors outside of the relationship to have a thread to discuss ideas, tricks, etc. at keeping things alive and avoiding the loneliness that sometimes come with it.

Massive

06-13-2010, 07:37 PM

I truly recommend Skype for anyone in a LDR, you can talk and see each other online! It helps that it's free to talk too.
Text messages too, I send text messages to My babygirl when I it's not easy for Me to get online, sometimes My phone doesn't like the weather here so it doesn't connect to the internet too well, so text messages are another way to simply send a message just saying "I love you" because sometimes even those three simple words can brighten the day of the one you love.

Sam

06-13-2010, 07:40 PM

Dude.

i so understand your frustration.

Although i am no longer in a LDR, i was for 18 months. OMG it was seriously hard. So many ups and downs.

Be happy you are making it work and august aint that far away. You have 3 years under your belt, its working it self out.

Just keep doing what your doing and before you know it, it will be august.

My ex and i broke up every month for something or another, but with deep communication we picked ourselves up and moved on.

At this point after the breakup we are not even friends. i wish things were different, but LD is so hard.

If i had to do it again, i would do things differently, serious note!

Good Luck Linus, you got this in the bag

PearlsNLace

06-13-2010, 07:51 PM

When Paphigleo and I started dating we had to seriously consider wich of the 2 evils we were willing to face-

Having a long distance relationship,
or
Doing the 2nd date UHual thing.

We decided we would rather move to fast, and face the risks, than the expense and agony of the long distance.

We planned an exit strategy for each of us, if moving him in didnt work. We planned a dating strategy too- that is still in effect.

He moved here in January, and at this point I do think we made the right choice.

My heart goes out to each of you who are working with the distance. It can be a rough one.

ravfem

07-20-2010, 02:55 PM

...i think this is an appropriate quote:

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

:stillheart:

chefhottie25

08-25-2010, 01:17 PM

Linus

08-25-2010, 01:59 PM

i have recently started a long distance relationship. we communicate in some form daily...but it is limited because we also have a 3 hour time difference. so when it is getting late or past my bedtime; she is in the early evening hours. i have sacrificed a few hours of sleep here and there so we can talk longer. it is definitely worth it. i hope for the day when we are in the same time zone. it sucks waking up alone.

chefhottie: I can appreciate that. It's hard when it's an LDR. It's harder when there is a timezone difference. One of the things I'd do is go back to old-fashioned romance and write love letters. I even once scanned my hands and sent that to K so she could "touch" me. :)

chefhottie25

08-25-2010, 02:09 PM

chefhottie: I can appreciate that. It's hard when it's an LDR. It's harder when there is a timezone difference. One of the things I'd do is go back to old-fashioned romance and write love letters. I even once scanned my hands and sent that to K so she could "touch" me. :)

that is a great idea. i have been sending her missing you cards

Waldo

08-25-2010, 02:26 PM

chefhottie: I can appreciate that. It's hard when it's an LDR. It's harder when there is a timezone difference. One of the things I'd do is go back to old-fashioned romance and write love letters. I even once scanned my hands and sent that to K so she could "touch" me. :)

When are you moving Linus - August is almost over. Have you found a job out in LA?

Linus

08-25-2010, 02:28 PM

When are you moving Linus - August is almost over. Have you found a job out in LA?

August 31 is the day I fly to L.A with the cranky old cat. (she is soooo going to love this, I just know it.. NOT).

Movers come on Friday for all the boxes; a friend comes over the weekend for some stuff she wanted and 1800GotJunk will get the rest on Monday.

As for job, my job can be anywhere in the US as long as I'm near an airport. :) So no job switching for me.

Waldo

08-25-2010, 02:35 PM

Linus

08-25-2010, 02:36 PM

Ahh. I misunderstood. That's awesome.

And you're going to be super close to LAX too, very convenient. You'll love LA, if for no other reason than vegan options abound. It sure makes it easy to be vegan.

Yup.. I suspect I'll be as close to raw vegan as I can get although I do know that due to travel that it may not be possible to be totally vegan..

Leigh

08-25-2010, 02:59 PM

Linus

08-25-2010, 03:19 PM

Linus, question(s) for you if you dont mind ~ what did it take for you to get into the States (live/work)? How was the transition for you from living in canada to being in America? Just curious since I wonder what I would/could expect from a possible move ............. thanks in advance for any info/advice you can give :D

Well, I'm lucky that my work could sponsor me to come down (work visa). You will need a visa of some sort if you intend on visiting the US longer than 6 months. Since there is no recognition of LGBTQ marriages from Canada into the US, it is either a work visa or a student visa that would allow you to stay longer in the US.

Health care is the big shocker for me since I'm not used to the idea of co-pay (I get benefits from work and still have to get adjusted to the idea that I have to ask whether something is covered or not -- very different than what I grew up with in Ontario).

Culturally there are some similarities to Canada but I found (and this is from my experience as someone who has lived in Ottawa and Toronto and now NYC) the US to be very "busy". At the same time, I've found that many Americans like to talk to you (even if it's just to hear your "accent").

If you do move to the US, minimize what you have to bring down. Moving across borders can be expensive because of having to go through customs.

I do think that moving to NYC was a nice transition because it's a close culture to Toronto. If I had moved to small-town USA in a place that didn't have much as far as LGBTQ, my experience might have been different.

Don't know if that helps but that is how I've dealt with it thus far.

Leigh

08-25-2010, 03:35 PM

It all helps Linus, thanks for the info :)

Waldo

08-25-2010, 03:37 PM

It all helps Linus, thanks for the info :)

Depending on what you do for a living there are certain sectors with companies that are willing to sponsor visas. It's not an easy process though and of course companies would prefer to hire someone they don't have to jump through hoops for, but it is done.

Leigh

08-25-2010, 03:45 PM

It doesn't help that I don't have a job, which sucks :(

Zora77

08-25-2010, 03:50 PM

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship and she asked Me if I would ever consider moving to be with her down in the States. Its honestly something that I would think about, since I seem to miss alot of good things up here in Canada (atleast thats how I feel). It would be very hard to be away from My parents and sister, as well as My few close friends that I have, but most of My community resides down in the good old U.S.A so its something to think about eh?

Linus, question(s) for you if you dont mind ~ what did it take for you to get into the States (live/work)? How was the transition for you from living in canada to being in America? Just curious since I wonder what I would/could expect from a possible move ............. thanks in advance for any info/advice you can give :D

I have moved to the U.S. from Germany after a my former partner and I did the long distance thing for three years. It has been the biggest and most challenging change in my life. Looking back from where I am now, I think it is one of the best decisions I ever made but it also took me much longer to adjust to life here than I anticipated. If I had known how difficult this would be ahead of time, I probably wouldn't have had the guts to do it.

There were a lot of challenges I did expect including legal status in the U.S., finding work, missing my family and friends but also many difficulties I did not not expect such as huge cultural differences and switching from a LDR to suddenly living with your partner - and realizing that maybe you are not as great of a match as you thought it would be.

I think there is no way to tell how a move like this plays out because there are too many unpredictable elements. It's mostly about figuring out if you are willing to take the risk to face the unknown and trust that things will fall into place. I wish you the best for making that decision - my only advice is, make it soon. Dragging it out for a long time in my experience takes it's toll on one's ability to he happy and content with where you are and also the relationship.

Waldo

08-25-2010, 05:45 PM

Yup.. I suspect I'll be as close to raw vegan as I can get although I do know that due to travel that it may not be possible to be totally vegan..

Once you get settled let me know. I'm in Hollywood often and my gf would love to meet other queer vegans, particularly of the BFP variety.

Linus

08-25-2010, 05:46 PM

Once you get settled let me know. I'm in Hollywood often and my gf would love to meet other queer vegans, particularly of the BFP variety.

Sure thing! :)

Sachita

08-25-2010, 06:01 PM

Well, I'm lucky that my work could sponsor me to come down (work visa). You will need a visa of some sort if you intend on visiting the US longer than 6 months. Since there is no recognition of LGBTQ marriages from Canada into the US, it is either a work visa or a student visa that would allow you to stay longer in the US.

Health care is the big shocker for me since I'm not used to the idea of co-pay (I get benefits from work and still have to get adjusted to the idea that I have to ask whether something is covered or not -- very different than what I grew up with in Ontario).

Culturally there are some similarities to Canada but I found (and this is from my experience as someone who has lived in Ottawa and Toronto and now NYC) the US to be very "busy". At the same time, I've found that many Americans like to talk to you (even if it's just to hear your "accent").

If you do move to the US, minimize what you have to bring down. Moving across borders can be expensive because of having to go through customs.

I do think that moving to NYC was a nice transition because it's a close culture to Toronto. If I had moved to small-town USA in a place that didn't have much as far as LGBTQ, my experience might have been different.

Don't know if that helps but that is how I've dealt with it thus far.

I would seriously have to consider moving to the US. I mean, I live here but I wouldn't leave Canada to move here. You have so many more liberties and options there.

Linus

08-25-2010, 06:04 PM

I would seriously have to consider moving to the US. I mean, I live here but I wouldn't leave Canada to move here. You have so many more liberties and options there.

Hehe.. ya but love is a wondrous and splendid thing. :)

sweetfemme247

08-25-2010, 06:22 PM

I am with chefhottie and I love my cards I get

Incubus

09-14-2010, 05:51 AM

Hello folks

I'm off on my travels to see my woman today. We live 160miles apart and yesterday was our 4 year anniversary - sadly I couldn't travel yesterday as I was enrolling at university. We like having our own front doors. I like being able to my life and our life too. It's a compromise of course but it seems to work for us - thus far!

Mtn

01-07-2012, 12:48 AM

Evening y'all, thought I would bump this thread, as I know there are a few folks in active LDR's. Sylvie and I have been together almost a year now. She is a daily blessing in my life. Truth is LDR's take ALOT of hard work. It requires being present in an entirely different way, text and type are not easily read for nuances, so it's easy to take something wrong, when that was not the intent. EVERYTIME you have to stop and say...okay what did you mean? I can't see your face or your body language, so we must discuss it. We have a 4 hour time difference, so I am asleep for a good part of her day, and she is asleep a good part of my evening.

We have dedicated time together everyday. We have started planning one meal a week, when we cook the same thing and dine together. We use all of our internet tools, and yes SKYPE is truly a blessing. We talk about the ordinary, kids, pets, workdays, weather. Because the best things in life are ordinary. One of the favorite things I get to do is check out the grocery ads at the stores she shops at and help her make a shopping list, it makes me feel useful and she appreciates it. We work at being present in every moment that we share. We make plans for the future. For the next visit, and for the long term. We BELIEVE and we TRUST. We have routines, we have our own language and phrases.

What else are you other folks doing to make an LDR work for you?

It's not easy, by any stretch. I miss her, she misses me. We make it work. We laugh and cry, and have sweet sweet moments. We are diligent.

Strappie

01-07-2012, 01:22 AM

Strappie

01-07-2012, 01:27 AM

Communication... it's about the only thing you have. Being OPEN and forth coming with everything. Honesty is KEY!

There are a TON more things to add... but I need my pillow right now!
G'night!

Martina

01-07-2012, 01:27 AM

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

The thirty or so miles that separate me from Them has felt like a million. If you can't run over on short notice, . . . .

Ciaran

01-07-2012, 09:31 AM

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

In my experience, the concept of distance and travelling times are amongst the things that differentiate folk from both sides of the pond. Here, in the British Isles, a car journey of 160 miles would be viewed as a significant length.

Added to that, we don't have comparable "freeways" and, generally, have more traffic so travelling time for 160 miles, depending on destination, could be significant. Certainly, the last time I was on a car journey of more than 160 miles in the UK was more than 20 years ago.

Sorry for that nerd-ish diversion.

On the actual issue of LDR, I've been there and done it. In my opinion, it can work but, for me anyway, it's dependent upon two factors. Firstly, irrespective of the distance, there needs to be fairly real contact i.e. skype, phone, email, webcams are all well and good but, for me, no relationship can work without some form of regular face-to-face contact and spending real time together.

Secondly, at some stage, both parties need to consider the longer-term i.e. can it work out for the long-term and, if so, what compromises are going to be made and by whom? In other words, if both parties are tied to their present arrangements and unwilling or practically unable to move, then they need to decide whether, despite their shared affection / love / whatever, it's in their interests to continue or whether that will just lead to a limbo situation that's to no one's ultimate benefit .....

1QuirkyKiwi

01-07-2012, 12:39 PM

In my experience, the concept of distance and travelling times are amongst the things that differentiate folk from both sides of the pond. Here, in the British Isles, a car journey of 160 miles would be viewed as a significant length.

Added to that, we don't have comparable "freeways" and, generally, have more traffic so travelling time for 160 miles, depending on destination, could be significant. Certainly, the last time I was on a car journey of more than 160 miles in the UK was more than 20 years ago.

Sorry for that nerd-ish diversion.

On the actual issue of LDR, I've been there and done it. In my opinion, it can work but, for me anyway, it's dependent upon two factors. Firstly, irrespective of the distance, there needs to be fairly real contact i.e. skype, phone, email, webcams are all well and good but, for me, no relationship can work without some form of regular face-to-face contact and spending real time together.

Secondly, at some stage, both parties need to consider the longer-term i.e. can it work out for the long-term and, if so, what compromises are going to be made and by whom? In other words, if both parties are tied to their present arrangements and unwilling or practically unable to move, then they need to decide whether, despite their shared affection / love / whatever, it's in their interests to continue or whether that will just lead to a limbo situation that's to no one's ultimate benefit .....

NZ is very much like the UK in terms of travelling, as Ciaran has described, only we have significantly more Sheep causing traffic jams! LOL!

I’ve had two LDR, but, the distance across the pond and whilst I have no problems with relocating….at this moment in time, it’s not a possibility as I’ve had to put things on hold for a year. I also have job possibilities being offered to me, as well as other opportunities that I may want to pursue.

At this stage in my life, the logistics for me to move outside of Europe are a nightmare…. I have to find a Neurologist and Spinal Orthopaedic Surgeon for my SB. I’ve my cats, furniture….my whole life to pack and move, etc.

It’s more feasible for me to see my partner more often within the UK and Europe, especially with cheap-ish flights across Europe to and from the UK.

I’m not comfortable with constantly emailing, texting and talking on the phone with no real contact, especially with the 6 hour plus time zones across the pond…. my internet connection doesn’t support Skype, so, I’m limited and it hurts too much when we’re missing each other and we have X-amount of weeks to wait before we see each other for only a week or two.

It would be different if I or She/hy won millions on the Lottery, then we could spend time together at our leisure, but, I’ve more chance of walking into a Lamppost whilst admiring a handsome Butch, lol!

Glenn

01-07-2012, 12:44 PM

If your gut's telling you there's something bothering it about your LDR, then trust it. It's telling you the truth.

1QuirkyKiwi

01-07-2012, 01:01 PM

If your gut's bothering you about your LDR, then trust it. It's telling you the truth.

I agree! I always go with my intuition and if it doesn't feel right....I know it's not and will openly and honestly say how I feel. I won't be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

Glenn

01-07-2012, 01:04 PM

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

Cajun_dee

01-07-2012, 01:25 PM

WolfyOne

01-07-2012, 01:54 PM

many years ago, I had to give up a LDR because neither of us would budge on moving
After a year, it was too much (not monetary) to travel every other weekend on a plane to visit
I'm not saying I wouldn't considerate it again
I just wouldn't want to invest my time and feelings if a compromise could not be made on where we'd live if we get serious

Once again, it goes back to communication
Live, but listen and learn

Ciaran

01-07-2012, 06:01 PM

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

Cajun_dee

01-07-2012, 06:34 PM

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

Yup!.........

Gemme

01-07-2012, 09:54 PM

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

Mtn

01-07-2012, 10:12 PM

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.

Glenn

01-07-2012, 10:19 PM

Paisan; All I can say is LDR's can drive you mad like this..the whole" Does she care about seeing me as I do?" will drive you BONKERS. I had a LDR that lived in Cali and the whole distance thing brought out a bunch of insecurities, trust issues, priority issues, etc. THAT REALISTICALLY COULD NOT BE SOLVED. Bottom Line: One of you move or you will eventually break up. And if it's less than perfect the distance will kill it.

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

Penelope

01-07-2012, 11:09 PM

You are right that some LDRs will fare better than others and some will not as 2 people in ANY relationship can be quite different. I personally believe this to be true about non-LDRs as well. LOL

There are things out there that help strengthen a LDR, or at least make it work until you are both at a point where a decision needs to be made (and only the two of you know what that timeline is). I do agree with what some of the others have said about going in to one with the same goal and being honest about your feelings on moving to be with each other.

I've been in several LDRs, a couple of them leading to a live-in situation eventually, and I think there are things you can do to enhance the experience while keeping a level head. It IS easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship and rush in to something before you are both ready. It's much harder to take your time and really get to know one another.

I've spent countless hours on Skype because I feel it helps with communication more so than email, phone or text. It isn't perfect but it's nice to be able to see and talk to someone "in person". We watched a few tv shows/games at the same time but living in different states sometimes made that difficult (renting a movie would probably make more sense).

While it is important to include each other in the day to day normal stuff, you can overwhelm the person. Everyone needs down time and they would certainly be wanting and needing it if you lived together. Another good thing to keep in mind is that you both still need outside activities and friends (this will give you things to talk about if you have nightly conversations!). :)

I always cherished a good night phone call to tuck me in or a good morning text on the way to work. Those are the little things that help build your relationship when you can't be together. Equal time needs to be paid doing normal things when you are together. I was fortunate in my last LDR (we now live together) that we could visit one another somewhat regularly. We purposefully chose some weekends to not do anything special like go to an event or on a holiday, etc. so we could experience what it would be like to live together. If your ultimate goal is to do just that (and lots of communication should be taking place on it), then you need to see what it is like to live together in exciting times and boring ones, in good moments and bad.

The longer you are in a LDR, the more you both should be looking at options of who would move and why. The first time I moved was because his job was better but we hadn't been dating that long and it was too soon. We didn't know each other's quirks, I knew no one in my new state, and a multitude of other factors that did not weigh in our favor. I knew the second time around not to rush it and really take the time to get to know one another. I also knew that I wouldn't move until I found a job in my new location. Nothing spells disaster for a relationship quicker than money problems.

Being in the community and on the forums for years, I have seen SO many couples rush to take their LDR to the next level only to have it end a month or so later. All relationships take work, and a LDR just as much because you have to really work at being present with the other person even when you aren't. I learned a long time ago that open & honest communication is key but so is keeping your personal life out of the forums. This gives it a chance to develop on its own without other influences.

My advice to anyone in a LDR would be to take your time, enjoy the other person and what the relationship brings to your life. Have those fancy nights out on the town and the quiet evenings at home watching tv. Really get to know your mate - do they like to stay up late during the week and you have to get up early, do they eat fast food on the go when you want to cook a meal at home, how do they handle stresses from work... These are the things you two will have to deal with eventually and learning about deal breakers now could save you some heartache.

I would say I was a lucky one but only in that I found such a great guy. :) We have both worked and continue to work on our relationship every day. We took our time and dated for a couple years before I moved and I think that has benefited us greatly.

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.