Long Distance Relationships

[Linus]

When K and I started going out, we were across borders (Toronto and NYC). When I finally moved here, we lived together for nearly 3 years. She moved back out West (Los Angeles) to be closer to her family and find a job. I'll be moving out there at the end of August. I had forgotten how difficult it is to be apart from the one you love.

I'm reminded each night when I go to bed alone.

I'm reminded each day by the silence (only broken by Bobcat who whines for K).

There are a variety of little tricks that we use to stay in contact (e.g., online talking, phone date nights, etc.)

I thought it might be useful for those who are just starting LDRs or have "forced" LDRs due to factors outside of the relationship to have a thread to discuss ideas, tricks, etc. at keeping things alive and avoiding the loneliness that sometimes come with it.

[Massive]

I truly recommend Skype for anyone in a LDR, you can talk and see each other online! It helps that it's free to talk too.
Text messages too, I send text messages to My babygirl when I it's not easy for Me to get online, sometimes My phone doesn't like the weather here so it doesn't connect to the internet too well, so text messages are another way to simply send a message just saying "I love you" because sometimes even those three simple words can brighten the day of the one you love.

[Sam]

Dude.

i so understand your frustration.

Although i am no longer in a LDR, i was for 18 months. OMG it was seriously hard. So many ups and downs.

Be happy you are making it work and august aint that far away. You have 3 years under your belt, its working it self out.

Just keep doing what your doing and before you know it, it will be august.

My ex and i broke up every month for something or another, but with deep communication we picked ourselves up and moved on.

At this point after the breakup we are not even friends. i wish things were different, but LD is so hard.

If i had to do it again, i would do things differently, serious note!

Good Luck Linus, you got this in the bag

[PearlsNLace]

When Paphigleo and I started dating we had to seriously consider wich of the 2 evils we were willing to face-

Having a long distance relationship,
or
Doing the 2nd date UHual thing.

We decided we would rather move to fast, and face the risks, than the expense and agony of the long distance.

We planned an exit strategy for each of us, if moving him in didnt work. We planned a dating strategy too- that is still in effect.

He moved here in January, and at this point I do think we made the right choice.

My heart goes out to each of you who are working with the distance. It can be a rough one.

[ravfem]

...i think this is an appropriate quote:

Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

:stillheart:

[chefhottie25]

i have recently started a long distance relationship. we communicate in some form daily...but it is limited because we also have a 3 hour time difference. so when it is getting late or past my bedtime; she is in the early evening hours. i have sacrificed a few hours of sleep here and there so we can talk longer. it is definitely worth it. i hope for the day when we are in the same time zone. it sucks waking up alone.

[Linus]

i have recently started a long distance relationship. we communicate in some form daily...but it is limited because we also have a 3 hour time difference. so when it is getting late or past my bedtime; she is in the early evening hours. i have sacrificed a few hours of sleep here and there so we can talk longer. it is definitely worth it. i hope for the day when we are in the same time zone. it sucks waking up alone.

chefhottie: I can appreciate that. It's hard when it's an LDR. It's harder when there is a timezone difference. One of the things I'd do is go back to old-fashioned romance and write love letters. I even once scanned my hands and sent that to K so she could "touch" me. :)

[chefhottie25]

chefhottie: I can appreciate that. It's hard when it's an LDR. It's harder when there is a timezone difference. One of the things I'd do is go back to old-fashioned romance and write love letters. I even once scanned my hands and sent that to K so she could "touch" me. :)

that is a great idea. i have been sending her missing you cards

[Waldo]

chefhottie: I can appreciate that. It's hard when it's an LDR. It's harder when there is a timezone difference. One of the things I'd do is go back to old-fashioned romance and write love letters. I even once scanned my hands and sent that to K so she could "touch" me. :)

When are you moving Linus - August is almost over. Have you found a job out in LA?

[Linus]

When are you moving Linus - August is almost over. Have you found a job out in LA?


August 31 is the day I fly to L.A with the cranky old cat. (she is soooo going to love this, I just know it.. NOT).

Movers come on Friday for all the boxes; a friend comes over the weekend for some stuff she wanted and 1800GotJunk will get the rest on Monday.

As for job, my job can be anywhere in the US as long as I'm near an airport. :) So no job switching for me.

[Waldo]

Ahh. I misunderstood. That's awesome.

And you're going to be super close to LAX too, very convenient. You'll love LA, if for no other reason than vegan options abound. It sure makes it easy to be vegan.

[Linus]

Ahh. I misunderstood. That's awesome.

And you're going to be super close to LAX too, very convenient. You'll love LA, if for no other reason than vegan options abound. It sure makes it easy to be vegan.


Yup.. I suspect I'll be as close to raw vegan as I can get although I do know that due to travel that it may not be possible to be totally vegan..

[Leigh]

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship and she asked Me if I would ever consider moving to be with her down in the States. Its honestly something that I would think about, since I seem to miss alot of good things up here in Canada (atleast thats how I feel). It would be very hard to be away from My parents and sister, as well as My few close friends that I have, but most of My community resides down in the good old U.S.A so its something to think about eh?

Linus, question(s) for you if you dont mind ~ what did it take for you to get into the States (live/work)? How was the transition for you from living in canada to being in America? Just curious since I wonder what I would/could expect from a possible move ............. thanks in advance for any info/advice you can give :D

[Linus]

Linus, question(s) for you if you dont mind ~ what did it take for you to get into the States (live/work)? How was the transition for you from living in canada to being in America? Just curious since I wonder what I would/could expect from a possible move ............. thanks in advance for any info/advice you can give :D

Well, I'm lucky that my work could sponsor me to come down (work visa). You will need a visa of some sort if you intend on visiting the US longer than 6 months. Since there is no recognition of LGBTQ marriages from Canada into the US, it is either a work visa or a student visa that would allow you to stay longer in the US.

Health care is the big shocker for me since I'm not used to the idea of co-pay (I get benefits from work and still have to get adjusted to the idea that I have to ask whether something is covered or not -- very different than what I grew up with in Ontario).

Culturally there are some similarities to Canada but I found (and this is from my experience as someone who has lived in Ottawa and Toronto and now NYC) the US to be very "busy". At the same time, I've found that many Americans like to talk to you (even if it's just to hear your "accent").

If you do move to the US, minimize what you have to bring down. Moving across borders can be expensive because of having to go through customs.

I do think that moving to NYC was a nice transition because it's a close culture to Toronto. If I had moved to small-town USA in a place that didn't have much as far as LGBTQ, my experience might have been different.

Don't know if that helps but that is how I've dealt with it thus far.

[Leigh]

It all helps Linus, thanks for the info :)

[Waldo]

It all helps Linus, thanks for the info :)

Depending on what you do for a living there are certain sectors with companies that are willing to sponsor visas. It's not an easy process though and of course companies would prefer to hire someone they don't have to jump through hoops for, but it is done.

[Leigh]

It doesn't help that I don't have a job, which sucks :(

[Zora77]

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship and she asked Me if I would ever consider moving to be with her down in the States. Its honestly something that I would think about, since I seem to miss alot of good things up here in Canada (atleast thats how I feel). It would be very hard to be away from My parents and sister, as well as My few close friends that I have, but most of My community resides down in the good old U.S.A so its something to think about eh?

Linus, question(s) for you if you dont mind ~ what did it take for you to get into the States (live/work)? How was the transition for you from living in canada to being in America? Just curious since I wonder what I would/could expect from a possible move ............. thanks in advance for any info/advice you can give :D

I have moved to the U.S. from Germany after a my former partner and I did the long distance thing for three years. It has been the biggest and most challenging change in my life. Looking back from where I am now, I think it is one of the best decisions I ever made but it also took me much longer to adjust to life here than I anticipated. If I had known how difficult this would be ahead of time, I probably wouldn't have had the guts to do it.

There were a lot of challenges I did expect including legal status in the U.S., finding work, missing my family and friends but also many difficulties I did not not expect such as huge cultural differences and switching from a LDR to suddenly living with your partner - and realizing that maybe you are not as great of a match as you thought it would be.

I think there is no way to tell how a move like this plays out because there are too many unpredictable elements. It's mostly about figuring out if you are willing to take the risk to face the unknown and trust that things will fall into place. I wish you the best for making that decision - my only advice is, make it soon. Dragging it out for a long time in my experience takes it's toll on one's ability to he happy and content with where you are and also the relationship.

[Waldo]

Yup.. I suspect I'll be as close to raw vegan as I can get although I do know that due to travel that it may not be possible to be totally vegan..

Once you get settled let me know. I'm in Hollywood often and my gf would love to meet other queer vegans, particularly of the BFP variety.

[Linus]

Once you get settled let me know. I'm in Hollywood often and my gf would love to meet other queer vegans, particularly of the BFP variety.

Sure thing! :)

[Sachita]

Well, I'm lucky that my work could sponsor me to come down (work visa). You will need a visa of some sort if you intend on visiting the US longer than 6 months. Since there is no recognition of LGBTQ marriages from Canada into the US, it is either a work visa or a student visa that would allow you to stay longer in the US.

Health care is the big shocker for me since I'm not used to the idea of co-pay (I get benefits from work and still have to get adjusted to the idea that I have to ask whether something is covered or not -- very different than what I grew up with in Ontario).

Culturally there are some similarities to Canada but I found (and this is from my experience as someone who has lived in Ottawa and Toronto and now NYC) the US to be very "busy". At the same time, I've found that many Americans like to talk to you (even if it's just to hear your "accent").

If you do move to the US, minimize what you have to bring down. Moving across borders can be expensive because of having to go through customs.

I do think that moving to NYC was a nice transition because it's a close culture to Toronto. If I had moved to small-town USA in a place that didn't have much as far as LGBTQ, my experience might have been different.

Don't know if that helps but that is how I've dealt with it thus far.

I would seriously have to consider moving to the US. I mean, I live here but I wouldn't leave Canada to move here. You have so many more liberties and options there.

[Linus]

I would seriously have to consider moving to the US. I mean, I live here but I wouldn't leave Canada to move here. You have so many more liberties and options there.

Hehe.. ya but love is a wondrous and splendid thing. :)

[sweetfemme247]

I am with chefhottie and I love my cards I get

[Daktari]

Hello folks

I'm off on my travels to see my woman today. We live 160miles apart and yesterday was our 4 year anniversary - sadly I couldn't travel yesterday as I was enrolling at university. We like having our own front doors. I like being able to my life and our life too. It's a compromise of course but it seems to work for us - thus far!

[Mtn]

Evening y'all, thought I would bump this thread, as I know there are a few folks in active LDR's. Sylvie and I have been together almost a year now. She is a daily blessing in my life. Truth is LDR's take ALOT of hard work. It requires being present in an entirely different way, text and type are not easily read for nuances, so it's easy to take something wrong, when that was not the intent. EVERYTIME you have to stop and say...okay what did you mean? I can't see your face or your body language, so we must discuss it. We have a 4 hour time difference, so I am asleep for a good part of her day, and she is asleep a good part of my evening.

We have dedicated time together everyday. We have started planning one meal a week, when we cook the same thing and dine together. We use all of our internet tools, and yes SKYPE is truly a blessing. We talk about the ordinary, kids, pets, workdays, weather. Because the best things in life are ordinary. One of the favorite things I get to do is check out the grocery ads at the stores she shops at and help her make a shopping list, it makes me feel useful and she appreciates it. We work at being present in every moment that we share. We make plans for the future. For the next visit, and for the long term. We BELIEVE and we TRUST. We have routines, we have our own language and phrases.

What else are you other folks doing to make an LDR work for you?

It's not easy, by any stretch. I miss her, she misses me. We make it work. We laugh and cry, and have sweet sweet moments. We are diligent.

[Strappie]

Hello folks

I'm off on my travels to see my woman today. We live 160miles apart and yesterday was our 4 year anniversary - sadly I couldn't travel yesterday as I was enrolling at university. We like having our own front doors. I like being able to my life and our life too. It's a compromise of course but it seems to work for us - thus far!

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

[Strappie]

Communication... it's about the only thing you have. Being OPEN and forth coming with everything. Honesty is KEY!

There are a TON more things to add... but I need my pillow right now!
G'night!

[Martina]

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

The thirty or so miles that separate me from Them has felt like a million. If you can't run over on short notice, . . . .

[Ciaran]

160 Miles? Jesus I would do ANYTHING to be only a 160 miles away from her!!

In my experience, the concept of distance and travelling times are amongst the things that differentiate folk from both sides of the pond. Here, in the British Isles, a car journey of 160 miles would be viewed as a significant length.

Added to that, we don't have comparable "freeways" and, generally, have more traffic so travelling time for 160 miles, depending on destination, could be significant. Certainly, the last time I was on a car journey of more than 160 miles in the UK was more than 20 years ago.


Sorry for that nerd-ish diversion.

On the actual issue of LDR, I've been there and done it. In my opinion, it can work but, for me anyway, it's dependent upon two factors. Firstly, irrespective of the distance, there needs to be fairly real contact i.e. skype, phone, email, webcams are all well and good but, for me, no relationship can work without some form of regular face-to-face contact and spending real time together.

Secondly, at some stage, both parties need to consider the longer-term i.e. can it work out for the long-term and, if so, what compromises are going to be made and by whom? In other words, if both parties are tied to their present arrangements and unwilling or practically unable to move, then they need to decide whether, despite their shared affection / love / whatever, it's in their interests to continue or whether that will just lead to a limbo situation that's to no one's ultimate benefit .....

[1QuirkyKiwi]

In my experience, the concept of distance and travelling times are amongst the things that differentiate folk from both sides of the pond. Here, in the British Isles, a car journey of 160 miles would be viewed as a significant length.

Added to that, we don't have comparable "freeways" and, generally, have more traffic so travelling time for 160 miles, depending on destination, could be significant. Certainly, the last time I was on a car journey of more than 160 miles in the UK was more than 20 years ago.


Sorry for that nerd-ish diversion.

On the actual issue of LDR, I've been there and done it. In my opinion, it can work but, for me anyway, it's dependent upon two factors. Firstly, irrespective of the distance, there needs to be fairly real contact i.e. skype, phone, email, webcams are all well and good but, for me, no relationship can work without some form of regular face-to-face contact and spending real time together.

Secondly, at some stage, both parties need to consider the longer-term i.e. can it work out for the long-term and, if so, what compromises are going to be made and by whom? In other words, if both parties are tied to their present arrangements and unwilling or practically unable to move, then they need to decide whether, despite their shared affection / love / whatever, it's in their interests to continue or whether that will just lead to a limbo situation that's to no one's ultimate benefit .....


NZ is very much like the UK in terms of travelling, as Ciaran has described, only we have significantly more Sheep causing traffic jams! LOL!

I’ve had two LDR, but, the distance across the pond and whilst I have no problems with relocating….at this moment in time, it’s not a possibility as I’ve had to put things on hold for a year. I also have job possibilities being offered to me, as well as other opportunities that I may want to pursue.

At this stage in my life, the logistics for me to move outside of Europe are a nightmare…. I have to find a Neurologist and Spinal Orthopaedic Surgeon for my SB. I’ve my cats, furniture….my whole life to pack and move, etc.

It’s more feasible for me to see my partner more often within the UK and Europe, especially with cheap-ish flights across Europe to and from the UK.

I’m not comfortable with constantly emailing, texting and talking on the phone with no real contact, especially with the 6 hour plus time zones across the pond…. my internet connection doesn’t support Skype, so, I’m limited and it hurts too much when we’re missing each other and we have X-amount of weeks to wait before we see each other for only a week or two.

It would be different if I or She/hy won millions on the Lottery, then we could spend time together at our leisure, but, I’ve more chance of walking into a Lamppost whilst admiring a handsome Butch, lol!

[Glenn]

If your gut's telling you there's something bothering it about your LDR, then trust it. It's telling you the truth.

[1QuirkyKiwi]

If your gut's bothering you about your LDR, then trust it. It's telling you the truth.

I agree! I always go with my intuition and if it doesn't feel right....I know it's not and will openly and honestly say how I feel. I won't be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one.

[Glenn]

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

[girl_dee]

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.

I believe that to be true to a point. I feel the distance keeps the fantasy alive, well it has for me anyway. I can't do the distance for very long, I need to be in the here and now and learn what I am either spending my time wisely for or seeing if I am really wasting my time. The distance is good for covering up the hard cold facts on both sides, however unintentional.

[WolfyOne]

many years ago, I had to give up a LDR because neither of us would budge on moving
After a year, it was too much (not monetary) to travel every other weekend on a plane to visit
I'm not saying I wouldn't considerate it again
I just wouldn't want to invest my time and feelings if a compromise could not be made on where we'd live if we get serious

Once again, it goes back to communication
Live, but listen and learn

[Ciaran]

Do you think that the distance helps keep things alive? Someone mentioned one time on the forum, that every time she dates long distance the romance is alive, the fun never stops but when she moves into the real time, it kinda dies. The honeymoon is over so to speak.


To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

[girl_dee]

To me, that's clearly not a relationship and I wouldn't even attach a "dating" label to it. In my view, it's more like flirting and "dipping your toe in the water" with a prospective date. In itself, it's perfectly harmless.

That said, for some clearly it can be all too easy to let dreams get in the way of reality. I'm genuinely not trying to come across as harsh or judgemental, but on this type of forum, I've often seen people make gushing references to "being in love" and that their "partner" is "the one" and "so right in everyway" and planning a shared future together when they haven't actually even met in real life. That's something I just cannot get my head around.

Yup!.........

[Gemme]

Yes Ms Q Kiwi; The connection has to be perfect to hold up againest the distance.

I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

[Mtn]

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.

[Glenn]

Paisan; All I can say is LDR's can drive you mad like this..the whole" Does she care about seeing me as I do?" will drive you BONKERS. I had a LDR that lived in Cali and the whole distance thing brought out a bunch of insecurities, trust issues, priority issues, etc. THAT REALISTICALLY COULD NOT BE SOLVED. Bottom Line: One of you move or you will eventually break up. And if it's less than perfect the distance will kill it.


I think 'perfect' is not only asking too much but will taint the ordinary; the regular but perfectly good connections.

The main thing is to work on it and keep the connection strong. Both parties have to be 'in it to win it' and put the daily effort in for the relationship to thrive. This is true for all relationships but especially so for ones that rely on trust and the unseen and unknown.

[Penelope]

You are right that some LDRs will fare better than others and some will not as 2 people in ANY relationship can be quite different. I personally believe this to be true about non-LDRs as well. LOL

There are things out there that help strengthen a LDR, or at least make it work until you are both at a point where a decision needs to be made (and only the two of you know what that timeline is). I do agree with what some of the others have said about going in to one with the same goal and being honest about your feelings on moving to be with each other.

I've been in several LDRs, a couple of them leading to a live-in situation eventually, and I think there are things you can do to enhance the experience while keeping a level head. It IS easy to get caught up in the emotions of a new relationship and rush in to something before you are both ready. It's much harder to take your time and really get to know one another.

I've spent countless hours on Skype because I feel it helps with communication more so than email, phone or text. It isn't perfect but it's nice to be able to see and talk to someone "in person". We watched a few tv shows/games at the same time but living in different states sometimes made that difficult (renting a movie would probably make more sense).

While it is important to include each other in the day to day normal stuff, you can overwhelm the person. Everyone needs down time and they would certainly be wanting and needing it if you lived together. Another good thing to keep in mind is that you both still need outside activities and friends (this will give you things to talk about if you have nightly conversations!). :)

I always cherished a good night phone call to tuck me in or a good morning text on the way to work. Those are the little things that help build your relationship when you can't be together. Equal time needs to be paid doing normal things when you are together. I was fortunate in my last LDR (we now live together) that we could visit one another somewhat regularly. We purposefully chose some weekends to not do anything special like go to an event or on a holiday, etc. so we could experience what it would be like to live together. If your ultimate goal is to do just that (and lots of communication should be taking place on it), then you need to see what it is like to live together in exciting times and boring ones, in good moments and bad.

The longer you are in a LDR, the more you both should be looking at options of who would move and why. The first time I moved was because his job was better but we hadn't been dating that long and it was too soon. We didn't know each other's quirks, I knew no one in my new state, and a multitude of other factors that did not weigh in our favor. I knew the second time around not to rush it and really take the time to get to know one another. I also knew that I wouldn't move until I found a job in my new location. Nothing spells disaster for a relationship quicker than money problems.

Being in the community and on the forums for years, I have seen SO many couples rush to take their LDR to the next level only to have it end a month or so later. All relationships take work, and a LDR just as much because you have to really work at being present with the other person even when you aren't. I learned a long time ago that open & honest communication is key but so is keeping your personal life out of the forums. This gives it a chance to develop on its own without other influences.

My advice to anyone in a LDR would be to take your time, enjoy the other person and what the relationship brings to your life. Have those fancy nights out on the town and the quiet evenings at home watching tv. Really get to know your mate - do they like to stay up late during the week and you have to get up early, do they eat fast food on the go when you want to cook a meal at home, how do they handle stresses from work... These are the things you two will have to deal with eventually and learning about deal breakers now could save you some heartache.

I would say I was a lucky one but only in that I found such a great guy. :) We have both worked and continue to work on our relationship every day. We took our time and dated for a couple years before I moved and I think that has benefited us greatly.

My intention was to rekindle the OP about what we do in LDR'S to make them thrive. Certainly many don't, and many don't want them for whatever reason, and that is totally cool. Some do thrive and turn into LTR's, again see the OP.

[StrongButch]

I was in one and its not for me I do have respect for those who can and are willing to do it I do not mind traveling 1 to 2 hours more than that not doing it If it gets serious and we are in love somebody gonna move Good luck to all of you

[ArkansasPiscesGrrl]

I have been in a LDR before, and really wasn't looking for one again. I want and NEED the ability to touch and be touched on a regular basis, to be able to read that person's responses when they are speaking to me, moreso what I can gain from pixels on a screen or a voice over a cell phone.

That being said, earlier this year I took the plunge and registered with a couple of online sites. I was mainly looking for someone to just hang out with occasionally, for dinners or movies or fishing, etc. I had made the decision that my new business and all the chaos with my family was WAY too much and too stressful to begin a new relationship. One where I KNOW I would want to have the woman up my butt, so to speak, and me hers. Just too busy, with me working sometimes 18-20 hrs per day. 7 days a week. Sheesh!

So who do I see? A butch whose profile stated that she was an over-the-road truck driver, and who ONLY would make it home 3-4 days per month!! I don't think I could have found a more perfect arrangement, you know? And when I met her, the chemistry and interests just FIT.

So we find ourselves in a very similar situation as other people in LDRs. Sometimes her "LD" is the next state over, sometimes she is across the country from me. Her schedule this time, for example, kept her from being here for my birthday today, and she will be gone for her birthday on the 28th. But damnit, she is due to roll in on the 29th, so we will have 4 glorious days together to celebrate then!

On the days just prior to her getting here I will work my ass off trying to get as much work done as I can, so I can take a break or at least delegate some of the work, so I can have a bit of time devoted to her and to us. But she understands that I am a business owner, and there might be (ok, probably will be!) interruptions.

While she is out on the road, I track her route with her, and watch the weather channel to track possible storms. Texting and talking before gong to bed works great whenever we can. (sometimes her schedule makes it that she has to be sleeping early evening in order to hit the road with a new load at 2AM) We do the phone sex thing (fun!),and I am lucky enough to have a pretty good body "memory" of her.

[stephfromMIT]

We did the LD thing during college. I went to Chatham in Pittsburgh, she was at St. Ben's in Minnesota. We saw each other during breaks (sometimes) but keeping the flame took work.

[Ginger]

For all the LDRs out there.

PgjJNkBb-kM

You can reach me by railway, you can reach me by trailway
You can reach me on an airplane, you can reach me with your mind
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

You can reach me by sail boat, climb a tree and swing rope to rope
Take a sled and slide down the slope, into these arms of mine
You can jump on a speedy colt, cross the border in a blaze of hope
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer

There are hills and mountains between us
Always something to get over
If I had my way, surely you would be closer
I need you closer

You can windsurf into my life, take me up on a carpet ride
You can make it in a big balloon, but you better make it soon
You can reach me by caravan, cross the desert like an Arab man
I don't care how you get here, just - get here if you can

I don't care, I need you right here, right now
I need you right here right now, down by my side

I don't care how you get here, just -- get here if - you can.

[lusciouskiwi]

I was looking at resources/ideas for couples in LDR and come across these:

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Long-Distance-Relationship-Work

http://www.lovingfromadistance.com/thingsforldrcouplestodo.html

http://www.someecards.com/flirting-cards/most-sent-today/6/20

http://www.lovingyou.com/articles/845659/creative-care-packages-to-send-your-long-distance-lover

http://www.thetravelingjournal.com/shop/

http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_200/218_dating_girl.html

http://www.ivillage.com/global/search?q=long+distance+relationship&iv%3Aglobal%3Atnav%3ASearch=

http://howtolongdistancerelationship.blogspot.com/2011/06/six-commandments-of-successful-long.html

This one is particularly fun, you put in your names and some details and a story is created: http://www.hoochymail.com/

[PurpleQuestions84]

LDRs can work if you both are honest and you have some kind of goal for someone relocating within 2 years

[asphaltcowboi]

LDRs can work if you both are honest and you have some kind of goal for someone relocating within 2 years

i argree with you on this.. honest and trust are big ones, to be able to feel secure when your partner lives more then 1/2 a days drive. guess honest and trust work the same or you get one when you have the other. plus cominucation!

[Darbonaire]

after 8 years I moved back to VA. I "thought" she would move with me someday after retiring....then she basically said "Hell no, I'll never leave______' So, since I was emotioanlly SO over ______ we tried the LDR thing. I thought "foolishly apparently" that it was working out. I flew her up here every month & then she said..."Nope, I'm looking for someone else. I want someone HERE in _______ full time. Well, she's yet to find anyone from _____...LOL...& I haven't been looking cause I'm not ready....I refuse to just jump into another relationship to fill the void, but then, I'm not afraid or concerned about being alone. I use my alone time to try & better myself..not rush off to find someone else. I have done that in my past & it never works, & quite frankly it's not fair to the other person.

She & I still love each other dearly & always will. I just can't stand living in _______ & she won't leave so, after 10 years the divorce papers got signed & now we're both free.......from my side..it sucks! Such is life.

No, I won't be trying the LDR again thanks. If I couldn't make it work after living with my wife for 8 yrs in...then f*ck it!

I wish others well though..It's nice to hear when things work out...<warm smile>...

Jonathan

[scentsofautumn]

This has to be the most soulful meaningful type of relationship. It certainly shows the limits of the heart and mind. Constant care and it often times it's too out of reach. Then there are times when in a different way, you can feel and touch as if that person was with you all along. I did this several times. It's a lot of stamina, determination, will, trust and patience. Depending upon the distance, it's also very expensive if one can't wait endless weeks or months before another visitation. Is it worth it? Personally, I am not so sure...but, willing to go another round.

[kittygrrl]

Your wills have to be as strong as iron
Love stronger then the foundations of the earth..
that's rare

[Mtn]

It's damned hardwork to do this. It takes a level of commitment and trust different than when you know you can have dinner sometime next week. We use our available tools, chat, text, skype, daily. We talk about the little things, "can you believe so and so did this?" and we talk about the BIG things "teenager gone awry" It doesn't matter what it is we COMMUNICATE. Good days, bad days, we communicate. We also have our rituals, that remind us of our connection. sylvie and I are close to being together for 2 years. We have goals and an abundant amount of patience. We laugh and cry together. We are PRESENT. LDR's aren't for the feint of heart. Being patient enough to let life do it's thing is so important. I am invested in our life together and every step we take towards that. You never KNOW until you TRY.

[rustedrims]

I can see it is going to be tough but i am willing to work at this.The trust is already there and that is a big deal to us both.I feel like a kid on Christmas Eve waiting for the phone to ring knowing the conversation will bring laughs and things to think about.She is worth the time and effort and so am I.

[Greco]

Not for me.

Greco

[WolfyOne]

I think LDR's are workable to a point. Given time, however someone will have to give in and make a move. I think in the beginning, it's great getting to know each other and trying to figure out, if the other person is right for you. Short visits, long phone time, Skype, if you have it, texts and trust, all play a part. In my younger years, I did a couple LDR's and had to eventually end them because of being stubborn, neither I nor them would budge where moving was concerned. I eventually got tired of the weekend rides or flights. Now that I'm older and have a better understanding of myself, I wouldn't find it hard to move to be with someone I fell in love with...key words for me, fell in love. I have nothing that holds me to a particular place like I did when I was younger. And the stubborn in me is more laid back these days.

[Heavenleahangel]

I think, like some others on this thread, LDR's are do-able to a certain extint. If two people are interested in each other and want to commit in the beginning to give it a go, then there has to be an understanding that when the time comes, one or the other is ready, willing and able to relocate.
Of course communication and honesty are both key factors in the early stages of getting to know each other. I *thought* I knew someone before from our communication and they truly fooled me during our visits, but like my mama always said, "You can't hide crazy long!" and unfortunately I found out too late that they were not being honest and I had indeed been fooled.
I am still not against another LDR and I know I am fortunate to be in the position to relocate should Jacob and I be blessed to find someone and desire to be a family. Not everyone can do this.

[GraffitiBoi]

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

[Ciaran]

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

[GraffitiBoi]

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

I agree with a lot of what you said but I do have to disagree that "it's not possible end of story". I think it all depends on the individual and how they view relationships and love. My reply is based only on what works for me and I am in no way speaking for anyone else, or saying that you are wrong. I am only saying that I disagree.

I tend to avoid falling in love and do not long to fall in love. That being said, for ME to fall in love there needs to be an intellectual connection and spiritual connection that exists outside of the physical. This has a lot to do with my past and my life experiences. I do admit that I am a bit on the unconventional side when it comes to love and relationships.

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did. Granted, I was already in the relationship before I took the job, but having the forced online relationship actually brought us closer together. Since we couldn't be physically close we spent a lot of time talking about our hopes, dreams, fears, etc. It made for a much deeper connection than we were able to get being physically close (not referring to sex) during the previous 3 years. Like I said above, I need that intellectual and spiritual connection. If I do not fall in love with your mind and personality I will not fall in love with you. Physical proximity and closeness are needed, yes. But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

I do agree that physically meeting someone has a lot of value and merit and I know what you mean about looking into someone's eyes. But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person. But again, let me reiterate that I am speaking for myself only and I know not everyone feels the same.

I do thank you for your views and I look forward to hearing others' views as well. And I welcome any dissenting opinions to my own. Disagreeing and discussing it is how we learn and grow.

[Sachita]

Everyone has their own definition of what real love is. My idea of relationship is different from someone else. We all require something different. But I do believe in order for a relationship to fully mature you must be in the same space. You can build, learn and nurture long distance.

That one episode of Catfish where she had been doing it for 10 years was sad and ridiculous. Personally if someone can't see me within 3 months then they aren't trying hard enough. I'm just not going to invest a year of my life hoping something comes of it. I know that some people have declined dating me because I could not ever consider relocating- I have the farm, my business and my granddaughter. But the right circumstances could present and the reality is I could. I could move my business and hopefully relocate my family. Tho this is pretty unlikely.

But if we met and spent time together and all the magic is there then you make things happen.

[Ginger]

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

[Sachita]

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night. We've only been at this a couple months, since I moved out of her house.

So far, it feels fine to me. Once so far, she has come out to spend the night here, with me, but that can only happen when her sister takes her kid on an overnight. I expect it to happen every couple months.

When we were dating, the six months before I moved in with her, I went out there on a Friday or even Thursday night, and went in to work with her on Monday morning.

Now, I feel too tired on Friday nights, and I need my time on the weekend to do food shopping or laundry or whatever.

I don't feel like it's a hardship at all, to be this far apart. I don't pine or daydream or feel impatient about seeing her. I do feel alone, but it's not about her.

Anyway, I just realized I'm sort of in an LDR, too, and I think it's a good fit for me. I have dinners with friends during the week, or just chill out at home. It's the perfect balance for me.

I could easily do this type of LDR. I'm so busy during the week anyhow. I'm dating now and they visit me 3 days a month and longer on holidays. This is because of distance and work. Its 8 hours. If it was only a few hours I'd want to see them every weekend.

[GPS]

i think that LDR work if both parties are involved at the same level. Trust, commitment, friendship. Rare findings in a small little package.

i believe that if you work hard, play nice and enjoy the scenery together that it will all work it self out.

there are times when eye contact is immediate, but on an all in all basis keep your trust level high.

set your goals evenly and love genuinely.

[*Anya*]

My girlfriend lives about 18 miles from me.

It takes about 20-25 minutes to her house (or her to mine).

In the greater LA area, that's what we call living around the block.

I like it.

[girl_dee]

No - it's not possible end of story. A relationship can, within certain parameters, be continued via those channels but it's not possible to fall in love over internet / Skype etc. There's a benefit in being grounded.

Can develop great online friendships and, in due course, that could help to build the foundations for "falling in love". Also, very possible to feel a strong connection with someone from online interaction.

However, actually falling in love with someone you haven't met in real life and you haven't looked into their eyes (Skype doesn't count)? No - it sounds like a longing to be in love and wholly unrealistic to me.

i wholeheartedly agree with this. i did the long distance thing before Katrina but there was no way i could have made any sort of commitment until we met. We dated for a long while before the storm and i was displaced. No amount of long distance dating could have prepared me for who she really was. Too much can be hidden over the limited access that is LDR.

i believe it's way too easy for people to just omit the hard stuff while online and all you are left with is honeymoon visits and limited access, which is not real life, IMO :)

[starryeyes]

I don't mix well with LDR. I need to be with the person I am seeing, go out on dates, watch movies together, snuggle together, etc. I have had one LDR in the past, and knowing this about myself, I realize in retrospect it wasn't fair to the person who was ok with it. I learned alot about myself from this experience.

I live with my partner, now so no issues there. We only lived a few hours apart when we met, so it wasn't too bad. But, we Uhauled (not really, we rented a huge SUV, lol) after being together for about a year, and it's been happily ever after. We even bought a puppy together! Haha :)

[grenade]

For those of you who are/have been in LDR, before you met the person in person, did you fall in love? I guess I'm curious if it's possible to fall in love with someone you met online, have emailed, texted, instant messaged, talked on the phone and skyped with?

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?

[Ciaran]

I'm confused by what you mean when you say 'you haven't met in real life.' Online/phone/skype are real life. They are just not physically in person. They are all still very much real. If we were discussing meeting someone on an MMORPG and only knowing the character they portray, then yes, I would say you haven't met them in real life. The reason I say they are real is because several years ago I traveled for work. A lot. I was out of the country on business 3 out of every 4 weeks each month. The only way I could have a relationship was through online or phone contact. And I did.



Easily confused or playing semantics I'm not sure which.

However, by real life, I mean experienced some time together in close physical proximity (that doesn't mean sex, just in case you are confused again).

A working relationship is vastly different to an emotional, one-on-one relationship. Your question surely wasn't about maintaining communication? Rather, it was about falling in love. Those attributes are vastly different to functional workplace communication.



But I can love someone whom I have not yet had the pleasure of physically meeting.

So can I i.e. I loved my young nephew from the day he was born and I first saw his photo, even if I didn't meet him for some months. However, that's not falling in live.




But I still maintain that being in love does not rely on being physically present with the person.

That's fine and I agree with this. However, I equally maintain that no one can fall in love, at least not in a healthy manner, with someone they haven't met.

Might be a strong crush or an obsession but I don't see it as love.

[Ciaran]

Just as possible as my grandparents courting by hand written letter during WWII. They were married till they died. I'm not sure what looking into someone's eyes has to do with falling in love.... magic? What if said person is blind? No magic? No love?


Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

[gotoseagrl]

tough subject. i could go on forever about this. i learned the hardest way that i can't spend years only talking about the "whens" and "ifs" without anything really happening. the only way i could do it again and last is if there would be real goals and happenings that come true soon enough, even if they were just short visits, instead of just words and talking empty promises. the bottom line for me is that the efforts have to be mutual. and i believe they are, naturally, when the desires are the same and both people are on the same page. i also believe it depends on different types of people. i am the type who knows that nothing would keep me from the one i loved & i take opportunities more than making excuses. so i dont do well with someone who thinks and behaves differently and would rather spend forever planning the perfect moment for everything ~ even something as essential as meeting face to face the first time. how many consecutive days can you survive telling each other how badly "i wish you were here" before something gives? it is truly bittersweet.

[SleepyButch]

I do not know if I could do another LDR, meaning someone I could not see several times a month at least or had to fly on a plane to see. It's a lot of work both physically and emotionally. I am not saying that it's not worth it with some people or that others shouldn't try doing it. I think if you like/love someone, go for it. I am an advocate for finding love and if that love is a thousand miles away, make it happen. I am just not sure I can do that anymore although rules are always made to be broken I suppose.

As far as falling in love by chatting/texting/skyping/etc... I believe that is possible. It has happened to me before and I cannot say it won't happen again even if I try to make it not happen like that. The heart does what the heart wants. So do I think I can fall in love with you, your personality, your interactions, your mannerisms, your life, your history before I meet the physical you... yes I do. It's those things that keep people in relationships. I know you have to be physically attracted to someone to a point as well but that's what Skype is for if you cannot meet right away.

I will always be supportive of those who want to try LDRs.. but I agree with some of the others in saying that you cannot have broken promises of being together. You have to mean what you say. That's an essential part of what can make it work.

[Deborah]

LDR's now if you had asked me a few years ago I would have said sure anything can be done if you really want it...then if you had asked me again a couple years later I would have said not really a good idea...

but then today after a almost 2 year LDR (10 hours apart) I would say it can be done and it can be done successfully. Of course as with any relationship you have to be compatible and all the usual stuff that goes into a successful relationship. But we are talking specifically LDR's...the number one thing TRUST...pow that is the start. Self confidence and a true relationship with yourself because you are gonna be alone a lot. For us, there had to be the ability to see each other often enough to get to know each other in real time...at least 3-4 days a month sometimes more....a few week to two week visits. And a commitment and agreement that someday someone would relocate. This was a hard one for me in the beginning because I didn't honestly think I could ever leave my home....but I also knew this was going to come down to me or nothing. Once we saw where we were headed and how well things were going and I had enough visits to love where he lives and to make friends the decision was made.

The getting from we enjoy each others company to I want a life with you involves...being REALLY present in the relationship. I think that MTN and Sylvie have the epitome of a working LDR. I marvel at them because they are so far away from each other....but they do all the right things and TIME...getting to know someone takes TRUST, HONESTY, time and commitment.

[DapperButch]

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

[grenade]

Another case of semantics here. By looking in the eyes, I mean sharing close physical proximity and, certainly for those not of limited sight, I do believe that eye contact is important.

Certainly for me, I yet to fall in love with someone I haven't looked in the eyes and, subject to retaining my sight (I understand other senses probably come in to play more if my sight deteriorates), I'd be very surprised if this changes.

As for your grandparents? The discussion here is about falling in love with someone you haven't met. I don't know your grandparents' history but not sure if that applies to your grandparents or not.

it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.


I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

[Gemme]

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.

That's because we just love to give you shit.

:blink:

[starryeyes]

I think you can get to know eachother and fall in love to a point, but nothing is solidified *until* you meet the person and establish a in-person relationship. You can only do so much via technology. Having a true intimate relationship will never be 100% until you can actually be in eachothers presence and feel the chemistry, smell the pheromones, touch the person and look into their eyes in real-time.

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

[Ciaran]

Ciaran,

I have been saying the thing as you for years, and people have always given me shit about it. Love the way you explained it. Spot on.


Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.




it does apply to them. It applies to many I know. My most meaningful relationships have started out as LDR's and YES, before we met face to face.
There is time to talk and truly get to know someone before the physical begins so you can seperate the emotions from the lovin'. It works for me.


To me, it's not about sex or physical intimacy in that sense (I'm on record on this site as saying that I generally don't like having sex with those I'm in love with as I detach sex from love) so it's not about separating emotion from physical love, as I invariably do that anyway.


Furthermore, I agree relationships can start out online / remotely etc. However, there's a very stark difference to me between flirting and communicating remotely which can lead to a relationship and actually "falling in love" through this remote interaction.




I don't understand the way you think/feel about this subject anymore than you do I. I don't think it makes any point more valid. It's personal. Perhaps the difference lies in experiences. I haven't had a bad LDR experience. The people I had these relationships with were the same via interwebs, skype, text, in person. I haven't been duped. *shrugs*

In my recent posts on this thread, I have not been discussing the pros or otherwise of LDRs and I had some of these in the past (in fact, the lady from my longest-term LDR travels from San Diego in 48 hours to spend Christmas with me here in the British Isles).

Rather, the issue I'm discussing is falling in love before meeting someone and I maintain that it's not grounded. I haven't done this and I'm hopeful that I won't ever as there's a layer of "genuine" that can be missing from solely online or other forms of media communication.

So, no I haven't been duped on line - equally, I won't be falling in love online either. To me it's "falling in love" with an image or shadow, not a person.

It's too easy for people online to portray an image that's different from reality ..... and it's not about physical features but where they live, conditions in which they live, how they really behave (it's easy to be nice on a few skype calls and texts a week, harder in real life when working 24/7 and struggling to pay bills etc).

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

For me I think there is a difference between loving someone and falling in love with someone.
Now have I fallen "in" love with someone that I have never met before I met them oh I am sure I have. Yet, each one I look back on I can pin point pretty much exactly when I fell "in" love with this person and it usually has occurred during a time spent together.

You will never find me bad mouthing LDRs or saying they are not real or possible. I have had to many that prove they are and can be both. I do disagree that it is easy to pretend to be something your not with text, Skype, and phone calls...is it different sure it is different.

Yet, if I only had good contact with someone I would wonder if they were human...everyone has bad days and moments and they come through in online contact. I know for me there is no way I could pretend I was having a good day even for a few min. let alone each and every time I contacted someone especially if something big or stressful happened that day.

I think it is possible history is full of it....yet, I do think there is a difference between being "in" love with someone and loving someone..I do not think that is just semantics either. I know for me I love someone before I fall in love with them. I also know I ask the woman I am with which she is feeling and if she answers with the "in" I do ask when it happened for her. I can also love someone and never fall "in" love with this person.

Just my thoughts....

[DapperButch]

Dapper

I think I'm starting to fall in love with you.



I'm sure that if we skype 6 hours a night for a week or two, you will be certain of it. ;)

[Metro]

My lover calls what we have a "commuting relationship."

I drive about an hour to spend the night at her house almost every Saturday night.

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own. :)

[Ginger]

Many years ago I had a similar arrangement for over a year w/ a GF (now ex) before she moved in w/ me -- it just became too time consuming and costly to maintain two households (and spend time commuting between the two places in an equitable way). While I require ample "me" time, from my own perspective the day-to-day of a local or live-in relationship (and potential for spontaneity and everyday in-person experiences) vastly enriches any relationship. I learned a lot about the shared household dynamic in the years that particular ex and I lived together... Mostly learning that I function best in a relationship when the one I am seriously involved with is nearby so we can resolve differences, relish achievements, or grieve loss face-to-face. Altho I am not completely averse to the idea of a LDR, and have tried a few times to establish one (unsuccessfully), it just may not be the best fit for me. I like the ordinary things like eye contact, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing that having someone nearby affords on a regular basis, too. To each their own. :)


My situation is unusual in that we lived together for two years, then I moved out, and now we have this "commuting" relationship.

I don't consider her eligible to be my domestic partner for reasons I won't go into, but I love her, and she can be a good girlfriend. There is an asymmetry to the arrangement, in that she's the one with the kid, and has no support except for her generous sister who does what she can. So it's easier for me to go out there, than for her to come to my place. Still, I expect her to make me feel special while I'm out there, and to focus on me. If that wanes, I just won't go. I call the shots now.

[Prudence]

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.

[grenade]

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

I can. I have. You cant. Ciaran cant. Others may be able to. There is no absolute in this subject.

[Ginger]

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.


That's so true! (part I bolded)

What I've been hearing is that people have what they consider optimal ways of falling in love, contexts they trust more than others.

It seems to vary.

[kittygrrl]

I'm afraid all advice is such things will not be heard or forgotten, the heart demands all our attention in such matters

[SleepyButch]

There is no right or wrong way... what works for someone else may or may not work for me. All I know is what I have gone through in the past and how I feel about LDRs. I would never force my opinions on anyone else and I would hope they would not do that to me.

I have fallen for someone before we even met.. the physical part of it.. seeing if we connect in person.. are attracted to each other physically.. have great sex.. etc.. adds to that. I don't deny that I need to know if I connect in person but that does not negate any feelings I may have had before that point. Sometimes it works out.. and sometimes it doesn't.

It is true that many people lie about who they are, what they look like or what they do. That is the unfortunate part about starting online. I think if you pay attention at all, you can see that those things don't add up before you let your feelings get into it... although I know that a lot get hurt because of this very thing. I've had my share of experiences so I guess maybe if someone was new to this "game" they may not realize they are being tricked.

And... If I fall for someone.. I will support them whether or not they are having stress with bills, the queen of england, or work in a circus. Relationships are about give and take. I am not going to stop having feelings for someone because they have stress in their life. I would want them to be supportive of me in the same situations.

Also.. I could meet someone online who looks like a super model in person. We may have great sex but if she can't keep my attention in conversation or make me laugh.. really what good is all that other stuff for long term? That's where the learning about someone through talking whether it be on the phone or skype or email or what have you.. comes in handy.

[Boots13]

I think a LDR can set the ground work for falling in love, but really...how much can you know about the "intangibles" without spending real time together.

I shouldnt even be talking about LDR....mine fell apart. There is no fault or blame, so dont read into anything here. But I am talking about the struggle to keep your eyes wide open.

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.

The slow erosion of stress and the tolls of circumstance seem to fade away during a LDR and all of the courting, flirting, talking, exploring that comes with them.

I think LDR's can build a base for exploring future potential, and they work for a lot of people...but I wouldnt do it again. Not for me.

[Ciaran]

I just visited this site a couple days ago.. I came away with a feeling of sadness. I saw an honest question, picked apart and attacked. I have to say it was done with court room precision. The beautiful art (to some) of leaving someone second guessing their own truths and beliefs. Using a play on words. "love", "in love"---wow.. someone came to this thread, clearly emotional about what was happening to them, and reached out . Be it semantics or confusion , I feel it was wrongfully handled. There is no right or wrong way to fall in love. It is an individual as we all are. I have to wonder whats really going on with the person inside who wants to rip at another. How does this one really feel about him/her self. I see this as insecurity at the most intense level. Sad really.


Your experience reiterated above sounds very nasty and hostile. In which thread did you see this attack because I certainly cannot see it here?

Are we meant to be dishonest in how we interact so that we sugar-coat? If so, I certainly won't be involved in such pretense.

If someone asks a question, if I give an answer, it will be an honest one. No ripping apart but don't ask a question if you might not like the answer provided.

[thedivahrrrself]

No matter how much time you spend, 2 hours, 2 days, 2 weeks or 2 months the stays are just that...stays. Mini vacations, exciting rendevous, hot interludes. Those visits are full of Modified behavior (I'm not going into work today) , easy compromises (short term concessions) , financial excursions (lunches, dates, drives and tours) and just the pure elation and joy of spending real time with your chosen one.

But it is not the daily, unending grind of real time living.



Not true for everyone, Boots. I'm currently on a 3-week "stay", but U and I are both working. I have the luxury of having a job I can do from anywhere, so I'm holed up in the office at U's while he runs errands and goes to his own work. It's only been about 6 months for us, so this is the first time we've done it this way. I think it's good for him to see me in my full ADD mode - my work is demanding and divides my attention 600 ways at once, and I see him tired and grumpy as he trudges into work at 5am. Also, he has now seen me in my ugly pajama pants, God-awful hair, and pimples. :)

Anyway, the LDR has been good to us so far. The secret ingredient has been blatant, brutal, sometimes asshole-ish honesty. We have icky fights sometimes, but I can honestly say I've grown a little with each one. We don't make big romantic plans for the future (it's too soon for that); we just take one day at a time.

I've had other LDR's. The last one I had went well; we traveled a lot together which was fun, but when the time came where he was in the hospital, I was there. He stayed with me in his recovery, and when I was horrendously ill, he was there too. Nothing "fell apart" with that relationship, we broke up because of the way he felt about himself - which, near or far, is not something you know about someone right off the bat.

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

[Ginger]

Some of us think LDRs work for us. Some think they don't. The only thing I object to is when someone insists that whatever does or doesn't work for her, will have the same impact on someone else.

We don't react the same in all situations.

What's helpful to me is when someone like Diva explains WHY it's working; what she and her partner are doing to make it work.

Sharing strategies for success can be helpful; we all apply them in our own ways and sometimes they trigger our own problem-solving epiphanies.

I'm a big fan of thinking.

[SleepyButch]

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.


It's okay if you pick on me.. I can take it. I have a different opinion of why those LDRs where people fall before they meet don't work. I don't think it's because someone fell for someone but that it is because "we" tend to jump too quickly into wanting to live together, get married, be together forever, whatever. While I believe you can fall for someone ahead of time.. I think what makes it work is continuing to get to know each other, communication, and honesty.

At this point in my life, I have a job where I can work anywhere in the country so I could move to be with someone and while that may happen some day, I am in no rush to do it. If the right person comes along, will I wait two years to move in together? I doubt it unless we are already living within a certain distance where we can see each other regularly. It may or may not work but I'm willing to take a chance if I think it's the right thing for me and the other person involved.

To each their own. I certainly am not going to doom someone because they've known each other for only two months and are moving across country to be with each other. I've seen those types of relationships fail and those types of relationship thrive.

My last LDR turned into a six year live together relationship after about three months of commuting back and forth by plane. I think if we would have communicated better over the years, that may have lasted but hind sight....

It would be interesting to hear from those of you who were in an LDR and are now living together happily. What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

[Ginger]

What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?


Good questions for ANY relatonship.

[girl_dee]

Not true for everyone, Boots. I'm currently on a 3-week "stay", but U and I are both working. I have the luxury of having a job I can do from anywhere, so I'm holed up in the office at U's while he runs errands and goes to his own work. It's only been about 6 months for us, so this is the first time we've done it this way. I think it's good for him to see me in my full ADD mode - my work is demanding and divides my attention 600 ways at once, and I see him tired and grumpy as he trudges into work at 5am. Also, he has now seen me in my ugly pajama pants, God-awful hair, and pimples. :)

Anyway, the LDR has been good to us so far. The secret ingredient has been blatant, brutal, sometimes asshole-ish honesty. We have icky fights sometimes, but I can honestly say I've grown a little with each one. We don't make big romantic plans for the future (it's too soon for that); we just take one day at a time.

I've had other LDR's. The last one I had went well; we traveled a lot together which was fun, but when the time came where he was in the hospital, I was there. He stayed with me in his recovery, and when I was horrendously ill, he was there too. Nothing "fell apart" with that relationship, we broke up because of the way he felt about himself - which, near or far, is not something you know about someone right off the bat.

From my experience, here are some common mistakes I see:

Sorry to pick on Sleepy here, but people who "fall" for someone before they meet have a high rate of failure in LDR's (IMHO). People don't represent themselves honestly all the time, and if you don't meet quickly, there's probably a reason for that. I definitely knew what I thought I felt before I met U, but I was afraid to say it, because it is hard to know what's real until someone is standing right in front of you.

People move too damn quickly. My friend Mel has a theory: people can hide their "crazy" for 18 months. JAGG has a similar theory. So, if you're thinking about moving in before that mark, well good luck to you, but I won't ever make that mistake again (did that with 2 local relationships - I'm a slow learner).

Make no mistake, LDR's are expensive. If you're not financially stable, I would not advise being in an LDR. I know that if something really awful happens, I can be here in about 48 hours. There's a lot of comfort in that, and there's a lot of uncertainty if that's not the case.


Anyway, if you like someone, go for it. Not all of us are lucky to live in an area with a vibrant B/F community, so LDR's become the best option. You just have to go in with your eyes open, know that like any relationship, you're taking a risk. Be smart and be safe, and above all, ENJOY YOURSELF. Just don't bring a u-haul on the second date.

Yup Yup and Yup!!!

[girl_dee]

Good questions for ANY relatonship.

Yup and how much of each other did you see before the move in? i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.

It is expensive, so if you see someone now and then, it's always a honeymoon. That sure is fun but not a basis for a lifetime of real life, and the investment involved with uprooting or having someone come into your home that you truly have only seen a handful of times. IMO.

i know it happens, the ones who beat the odds and it works. But i feel it's very uncommon :(

[Gemme]

What made it work? Were there things that did not work and if so, how did you get around those things to remain happy?

From my experience, when it worked it worked because all parties were equally invested and had faith in the other. Any jealousy or other insecurities were addressed as soon as detected and worked out with good, thorough communication. All parties HAVE to be on the same page in all aspects or the balance will tilt and shift and wounded feelings will make their appearance.

When it did not work, it was usually due to thoughts and feelings not being addressed and then one party or more begins to have doubts and hurt feelings and those insecurities spread over time until they consume the parties that are having them.

Honesty is a must. The good, bad and ugly as I call it. Without pure honesty, I don't think that there's a chance at all for an LDR to work. Now, that doesn't mean one has to be harsh but I don't care for sugarcoating either. Just the truth, as it is.

Basically, the things that are required to make any other relationship work is what is required to make LDRs work, but on a more vigilant level.

[gotoseagrl]

it goes beyond communication & honesty. for something that's not limited or short-term, what worked for me before was keeping it in real space as much as possible (voice, visits, frequent contact, making real plans). those things tend to subside the void. actions vs words regardless of distance, money, status, circumstances or other things keeping you apart. actively making opportunities & priorities to have that person be part of your real life, consistently, since they can't be there physically yet. in my experience, that's also what made things actually happen face to face, eventually. getting lost in the virtual realms of fantasy, hopes, wishes & text vs what you actually do have of the real person makes it too hard to sustain. i need to have something tangible to look forward to when there are serious, long-term expectations & goals. constantly having to wonder what things would really be like with the person or having to go too long with "living" the relationship through your mind/thoughts/dreams gets tiring, frustrating and disappointing after too long. so much can be said about this.

[Gemme]

it goes beyond communication & honesty. for something that's not limited or short-term, what worked for me before was keeping it in real space as much as possible (voice, visits, frequent contact, making real plans). those things tend to subside the void. actions vs words regardless of distance, money, status, circumstances or other things keeping you apart. actively making opportunities & priorities to have that person be part of your real life, consistently, since they can't be there physically yet. in my experience, that's also what made things actually happen face to face, eventually. getting lost in the virtual realms of fantasy, hopes, wishes & text vs what you actually do have of the real person makes it too hard to sustain. i need to have something tangible to look forward to when there are serious, long-term expectations & goals. constantly having to wonder what things would really be like with the person or having to go too long with "living" the relationship through your mind/thoughts/dreams gets tiring, frustrating and disappointing after too long. so much can be said about this.

I appreciate what you say about what makes LDRs work for you, and I agree that having as much face time as possible is absolutely important, but please do not dismiss what worked best for me.

Thanks!

[thedivahrrrself]

i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.


I know this held true for me and the last person I lived with.

[grenade]

Yup and how much of each other did you see before the move in? i believe wholeheartedly that couples that have jumped too soon, tend to hang on for a long while after one or both knows it was a mistake. Too much invested to just undo it. So hanging on until there is no other option happens.

It is expensive, so if you see someone now and then, it's always a honeymoon. That sure is fun but not a basis for a lifetime of real life, and the investment involved with uprooting or having someone come into your home that you truly have only seen a handful of times. IMO.

i know it happens, the ones who beat the odds and it works. But i feel it's very uncommon :(

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

[SleepyButch]

I don't think this is exclusive to LDR's. I have made the mistake of jumping in too soon and not truly knowing the person. It was a local relationship..no internet, no skype. It was the most horrible relationship of my life. This person looked into my eyes and lied again and again. It took a few years to truly see this person for who they were.

I agree. This can also happen just as easily if someone lived down the street, even if they weren't lying about who they were. You date them for awhile, you fall for them, see how they live, they see how you live, and you move in with each other after an extended courtship. After that, you realize you are not compatible, you can't stand his/her annoying habits and vice versa. How many people wind up in divorce or separate after being together for awhile, moving in finally and realizing they can't get along or that one of the other were lying?? I think it's a lot more than we think.

Bottom line is risks can happen in any situation whether it be LDRs or local dating. It just depends on what types of risks and committments the two or more people who are involved want to take/make to each other.

[gotoseagrl]

I think you can get to know eachother and fall in love to a point, but nothing is solidified *until* you meet the person and establish a in-person relationship. You can only do so much via technology. Having a true intimate relationship will never be 100% until you can actually be in eachothers presence and feel the chemistry, smell the pheromones, touch the person and look into their eyes in real-time.

I'm not saying you can't establish a good foundation, but you definitely can't build the whole house. I still agree with Ciaran.

amen. spot on.

[LoyalWolfsBlade]

As one that is in a LDR and has both successful and disastrous LDRs I think and still find that the holidays and birthdays are the hardest time to get through. At least for me they are, with birthdays being the hardest.

When I say successful I am referring to ones that lasted 15+ years and even included moving to fast (in others opinions) and when I say disastrous I am referring to those that lasted more then a couple of years and included moving to slow. I think that with LDRs especially it really does depend on the couple and what they are and are not willing to do to make/keep it working. Also in my experience many LDRs that fail have done so because of others and not the couple. It is a lot easier to fall prey to peer pressure, rumors, and others well meaning interfering then it is when you live done the road from someone. Yet, still even with all my experience can fall prey to the holidays and LDRs that do not make it through them.

[diamondrose]

My partner and I are in what some would call a LDR. For us its doable distance. As I put it, there is not so much distance that we never see each other, but enough distance to not drive each other crazy :). Really, our mere 2 hours works well for us. We get to see each other once every two weeks(sometimes more) and take frequent vacations with our vacation time. We are both career driven highly independent people. She supports my goals and stands by me while I finish things here in my area. I always knew I would move when I finished my career goals; now I know where. Though I have finished my Accounting degree I have put the move off, because I am going to start EMT training soon. My partner is over joyed by my choice even though it means waiting a little longer. We decided it would be better for me to do the training in my area and will only open up more career possibilities when the move arrives.

[LaneyDoll]

What's helpful to me is when someone like Diva explains WHY it's working; what she and her partner are doing to make it work.

Sharing strategies for success can be helpful; we all apply them in our own ways and sometimes they trigger our own problem-solving epiphanies.


Riley and I have been in an LDR for a year now.

THIS is why it is working...

We were friends first. We got to know each other as friends AND during a long weekend together.

When we share time, we do it often and we focus on each other.

We recognize the value of our time together and we both treat it for the commodity it is.

We spend long weekends together often (at least monthly).

We have dedicated time together-everyday, without fail.

We share a similar system of beliefs, ethics, morals.

Riley is not a jealous person; he understands that I have obligations here to my community and he supports them. I do not let any community activity here get in the way of what we share. We still talk every night before he goes to bed, then I finish what I have to do and call him back for the drive home. He always makes sure I get home safely before he really sleeps for the night. Additionally, I do not take advantage of that and leave hours earlier than I once did.


THIS is why it is an LDR...

Riley is completing college. He has no desire to remain in his area and jobs in his field are not available in mine. There is no need for either of us to move at this time. Why uproot me and the kids from our home only to have to move again once he finds a job?

Riley treats me better than anyone else ever has. To find someone who obviously loves to the point that my children notice it means a lot.

I am simply unwilling to NOT have him just because he is four hours away. I do not see the distance as a burden-rather a blessing that it was close enough for us to find each other.

My final thoughts...
You get out of anything what you put into it. LDR or not.

:sparklyheart:

[Boots13]

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

[MegBluEyz]

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.


If I may say...I see it as adding love not lonely. I think that the two people have to work together to keep all of their friends and family regardless of where they are located. Visit them often, have them visit you, cards, letters, so many ways to keep the contact and closeness and be supportive. No one should give up any of their friends or family they should be included. Just my thoughts on this.

[Boots13]

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

[MegBluEyz]

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

You're welcome Boots!! Still sticking to my thoughts on this as it can be more than four times a year and really depends on the two people involved. If cared for I do believe there can be wonderful things from this but not all the time as in all relationships. I am sorry about what happened for you.

[Ginger]

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.


This is the most thoughtful thing I've ever read in my life (and I'm not prone to exaggeration!).

I moved from Brooklyn to Long Island to live with someone, and one of the reasons I moved back to Brooklyn, after a couple years, was her unconsciousness of, or disregard for the sense of isolation it caused me, even though I was only about an hour out of the City.

I was terribly lonely; she doesn't have friends out there and for reasons I don't want to share, I gave up trying to be part of the twice-weekly gatherings with her family.

Now that I've returned to Brooklyn, we are back to being just "girlfriends," in what feels like an LDR to me, but probably wouldn't qualify as such to people on this site who've had to use airplanes to get to each other.

So far, it's just what I've been yearning for. We've had more dates, more conversations—she calls me every night, and isn't in a hurry; we talk for up to an hour—than in my whole last year living in her house. To me, a good LDR is way better than a painful live-in relationship, and I just don't feel the compelling need to share a home with someone, that I used to have.

But in getting back to my original point, your awareness of how hard it was for your partner to relocate to Your World, really touched me. I hope you find someone soon, in your town, to be with.

[Dude]

Boots,
first off , I am so sorry for the both of you (I was rooting hard for you two)
secondly , what a compassionate person you are to see all that
happening in another human being
you literally just told part of my story but with more class than I could likely ever muster

I believe there are free spirit kind of people who can move around
and adapt easily and there are other people who cant so easily
I am a part of the cant so easily club and know that now

one more time
hell of a classy post

edit.
what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person who is a fish out of water, floundering and shit

[girl_dee]

Hi Meg, thank you for your observation. Perhaps "give up" was incorrect. But there is a difference between flying back home 4 times a year versus being able to hop in the car and drive to family or friends for lunch. She had an open ticket to go home anytime...but still not the same as a spontaneous trip to Grandmas. I appreciate your taking the time to comment.

This is SO true. Sometimes i don't think people have understood my feeling SO homesick for family at times. It's my decision to move away (New Orleans is no place to live anymore) but still, it's where my very precious loved ones live so i need to go several times a year.

Sometimes i just feel VERY far away from them and for no real reason, sometimes i just miss them even though i see them more now, than i did when i lived there.

i do not wish to move back, but sometimes i wanna be there, in a moment.

i think it's awesome that you get that.

[Boots13]

what I don't think people fully understand is when you move your entire life like that ,you are placing your entire well being and welfare in someone else's hands.
that's not a fantasy but a responsibility to that other person

Dude, thank you for your response. I couldnt (wouldnt?) have left because of my career, but I cant imagine I could have done what you did or what any number of people have done with the grace or confidence that I've seen, that is to move for the promise of a future with the one you love.
The bravest people I know are people who have upended their lives for the promise of love and a future together.

You have my admiration for having tried, as several people here that I know have done.
I understand the courage it takes to do this, I' ve seen it...

[Soft*Silver]

the two times I moved across the united states to couple with someone, both times the people did not have the awareness of what I was going thru, like Boots talked about.

It takes a very mature and non egocentric person to understand that just because someone is in a relationship with them, the other per son's world doesn't revolve solely around just them.

and sometimes after doing and LDR, by the time you move intogether, it can FEEL that way, because you organize your time around each other's schedule to talk on the internet, the phone, skype, etc whenever possible to compensate for not being able to be there in person.

[nycfem]

BB's and my relationship was an LDR for the first year (nothing terrible, NY / Boston). I remember lots of exciting phone sex and lots of long bus rides on the Fung Wah line that runs all day and night back and forth between NYC and Boston. In fact I was on the Fung Wah when BB called me and told me a year into our relationship that hy'd just been contacted by a head hunter for an incredible job in NYC. Receiving that phone call was even more exciting than the phone sex :D. Wow, I was so ready for BB to move in!

Of course BB was in a much scarier position than me: having to uproot hymself from somewhere hy'd lived for the last 20 years and all that goes with that. On the first day hy moved in instead of being stressed we were laughing through all the stress of the move (not to mention I lived in a 4th floor walk-up), and I recall thinking that was a good sign. We still make each other crack up even when things in life are hard.

Over the years, BB felt the discomfort of having moved into my space. However, I was adamant that we must stay because the bldg was rent stabilized (any NYer will understand my sentiments!). Then when an extended construction on the bldg took place (as in years of the bldg flooding and the ceiling falling in, etc.), BB broke down in tears and said hy was not breaking up but that he was going to move out whether I did or not. Hy went around, looking at 10 apartments a day, and finally found one that was perfect for us, smaller but so much more stable than our current situation. Of course I went with hym and ended up much happier than I'd been in the old apt. I think this was a real positive step in our relationship because this new space was neutral territory, and we planned it out together. It was no longer hym in my space but us in our space. It only made our relationship stronger.

[rustedrims]

All things concidered it is exciting and scary.With the 25 hours between us it has forced us to talk.We know each others fears and triggers.Is it enough??Probly not.We are both willing to put some time in this and find out if it is going to be forever.The twist to this is we are both willing to move and start over in a place that is not fimilar to either of us.Will this draw us closer together or push us apart?Guess that is the chance we are going to take.The phone calls are great and the words are worth waiting for.We started skyping and i am learning that is only going to happen if one of us has make-up on.

[Soft*Silver]

Jenn, I have to say, that having an "our" space instead of a "my" space is a damn good idea for any kind of couple. Even tho chrissy and I are not in an LDR, and he is living with me in my space, *I* feel that tug of "my" space.

but because this is a thread about LDRs, let me continue in that vein of thought...

At times, I hated living with the butches I moved across the states for. It was "their" home, not mine or ours. I didnt have much of a say in how to decorate. Or where the spices went in the kitchen cupboards. I had to have "permission" to make changes.


Having a new space, where no one has historic roots or sentimental memories attached, might help a relationship stabilize faster or better. However, if the relationship isnt meant to work, I doubt ANY environment would make it work.

[kissinfemme]

My take on this LDR is that the 25 hours that separate us has indeed forced us to talk, about everything under the sun.... our fears & triggers yes but also what makes us tick, our wants, our needs, desires, dreams, our families (dysfunctional as they are, lol), what makes us laugh & sex of course.

What I do like is the getting to know her without the sex getting in the way & taking over the relationship. It seems to me that building the foundation of a relationship on the old fashioned way of talking is surely more solid than on how hot the sex is.... Right?

It does have it's drawbacks, of course, like we don't know if there's actual physical chemistry, no sex (yet), no dates (yet), no kissing or hugging. When either of us has a bad day/moment there is no physical comfort of a touch.

Her voice & her words bring me comfort & happiness, not to mention laughter & the "stories" I've grown fond of.

But we both agreed we wanted to see where this takes us & are willing to put in the time & effort. Even if one of us has to be wearing make-up when we Skype.

In 26 days we'll know whats what & if what we're feeling is the real deal. And if the chemistry is alive & screaming (small pun intended).

[MsM]

So, hi. First time I've posted heh

I'm in a LDR, and have been on almost a year now. We met in person in January of this year, and have seen each other every other weekend since then. Summer is great because she's a teacher and can come visit for longer periods.

What works for us is:

1. Schedule. We both know when the other will always call, and we always know the next time we will see each other in person.
2. Date Night. Every Wednesday, no matter what is happening we spend the evening on FaceTime.
3. Patience. We know when we'll be together 7/14 and we work towards that time. I can't imagine doing this with a nebulous we'll be together some day thought.
4. Trust. We are both so blessed that our love for eachother has no room for doubts. We did in the beginning, and worked through them together. Thankfully our doubts were just based on not believing we actually found someone - not trust issues as in jealousy/cheating business.

We want to uhaul, good grief do we. I'm not exactly a spring chicken (she's younger than I am by 10 years but what can I say she's one sexy butch) and we both have responsibilities. We want to make sure our sh!t is straight before we combine our lives.

Others have spoken of the challenge of once you do move in from a LDR, and I read those posts the most eagerly. We got this distance thing down, but I think I'd be foolish to not realize we'll have other challenges once she's here.

Marla

[Ginger]

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.

[Hollylane]

You know I just remembered something that might be helpful for people.

Ms.Maria's post about what helps her stay connected in an LDR triggered it.

I had a 3-month LDR with something who lived upstate, about two hours away, and he would make sure that before we said good-bye at the end of a visit, we sat down with our planners and set up our next or the two next visits.

It was our little ritual, reassuring and sweet. He made it clear that setting up the visits was a form of commitment.

I had forgotten about that.

Anyway, for what it's worth, at the end of a visit, I'd recommend setting up the next visit, making it into a little ritual and opportunity to show commitment to each other, in person.

If that feels right to you.

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.

[Ginger]

Gaige and I have done this each time...It really helps take a little of the sting away from saying our farewells...Also, something that we have learned, is to never procrastinate about getting to the airport. There is nothing worse than having to rush through your kisses and hugs because your partner has to rush through the airport to catch a flight. That happened to us in Little Rock, and it was damn hard.



That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

[Hollylane]

That's really smart. I can see how skilled the two of you are getting, in maximizing your time together. I know you just finished your master's degree program and the two of you are are working toward a shared life somehow. I feel kind of privileged to know you at this stage and someday maybe I can look back on it and say, I remember when they were in an LDR!

Gosh, thanks for noticing :) After nearly a year together, in a successful LDR (LDR, for now), we really do enjoy every moment together, in person, and in all the ways we keep finding to spend time together in our day to day lives on opposite ends of the country. It takes a lot of love, and patience for waiting for each new visit. We constantly comment to each other about the fact that we are "virtually living together", and are already sharing our lives now, despite the distance.

I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles.

[StrongButch]

I will be returning to Atlanta to take care of things. But once that is done ill be back to Boston with my girl and her family. I will miss them but knowing ill return permanatly is comforting.

[Novelafemme]

Gosh, thanks for noticing :) After nearly a year together, in a successful LDR (LDR, for now), we really do enjoy every moment together, in person, and in all the ways we keep finding to spend time together in our day to day lives on opposite ends of the country. It takes a lot of love, and patience for waiting for each new visit. We constantly comment to each other about the fact that we are "virtually living together", and are already sharing our lives now, despite the distance.

I feel pretty darn privileged to be in this loving relationship, as it continues to grow by leaps and bounds, despite life's many obstacles.

I think many of us have seen what a beautiful and devoted love you two have. One can't help but admire your connection and I am so happy for you two. <3

[Hollylane]

I think many of us have seen what a beautiful and devoted love you two have. One can't help but admire your connection and I am so happy for you two. <3

You are so kind Novela, thank you :)

[Novelafemme]

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

{{{Boots}}} I remember rooting for you two and am so sorry things didn't work out. I couldn't agree more with everything you wrote above, and it breaks my heart a little to read such a stark and vulnerable truth.

If I were to ever chose to relocate in order to be with someone, the perfect scenario (in my fantasy world) would be that we both do so together. That way we would both be in the same boat and navigating a new life together.

[Novelafemme]

oops...I meant to type "choose"...sleepy me :)

[christie]

So I've read about lying, dishonesty, misleading statements, moral codes, ethics etc...All valid mannerisms and behaviors to explore with your new love. But after all the "deal-breakers" are recognized and you move forward,
consider this: the hardship of relocation.

We dated for 2 years before making the move.
I'm not saying we (I) didnt have my hangups or problems, I did. Nor am I saying that she was the reason for our dissolution...she was not...disclaimer finished...

We were, by friends and family definitions, "rock solid". We had our eyes wide open. But the hardship was excrutiating. It hurt so deeply watching her bravely make her way in her new community. She never complained, but I could see the pain and frustration in her eyes when she had to find a store for this or a driving route for that, even to find her way back home...her whole routine was upended.

Her friends were now distant, her family was 3000 miles away.
But you have to know it is PAINFUL watching someone you love struggle with their decision to relocate. It is heartwrenching to see that, despite your love and support, the person that has relocated FOR YOU may be in pain and suffering lonliness for the life they created before you.

It is a responsibility and an obligation that both parties need to know how to handle. How to communicate through. How to embrace the loss of the past as well as the joy of the future...

And none of this has anything to do with deceit or mis-representation...it has everything to do with the result of long distance love and the relocation that may be imminent in your future.

I could not endure watching my loved one lonely for her previous life, job, friends, or the family left behind...and that's why I say I would never engage in a long distance relationship again.

Boots -

Thank you for saying this. It is incredibly difficult to establish new community, especially as we grow older. The bars hold no appeal for me and I've also found that as I age, my willingness to put forth the efforts and emotional risks of finding and allowing people into my life is just not that profound.

There are times, in this amazing city, I feel absolutely alone. While all of choo's friends have been incredibly open and embraced me (with one exception), I've not found my "own" friends. Given my position of authority at work, I keep boundaries in place so I don't have the option of forming those close friendships.

I'm not sure of the answers... I've thought to expand out into a couple of crafty classes or something, but home always seems to call my name and I become quite content tending to my virtual chickens on facebook!

I'm glad that you brought this point to light because its not something we speak of, and it can be a really big speedbump.

I don't regret my move. Anything but. I wake every morning (cold feet and all), knowing how blessed I am to have such a love. However, I do wish that this piece of it would fall into place, sooner rather than later!

[~SweetCheeks~]

My Gf and I have been doing the LDR thing now for 14 months, and tho it has had it's tough times with not seeing eachother, I am so happy that in a little over a week we will be reunited.

[meridiantoo]

I just found this thread. I'm glad to find it as I see many unique issues in the LD relationship situation/dynamic that you don't experience in r/l relationships. I don't state this as saying my LD relationship is not also r/l, it is. I visit as often as possible with her, about 3-4X a year, which, of course, is never enough.

I will be reading through the posts made on the thread this week, but in the meantime, I wanted to make a post.

We have been LD for *sigh* 3.5 years now. These seems painfully long, and it has been at times, but it has also been necessary due to my situation (caring for an aging parent). This is the single most impacting cause for me to fear relocating. I feel guilt and frustration at the same time with the idea of leaving my mother here alone to care for herself. I can move to a state I don't know well where I know few people - I've done that before, no problem. But, it's not going to be easy, that's for sure, this time as I am not 20-something anymore.

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

I am lucky in that I work from home, so I am afforded the ability to visit her for long periods and be available for daily contact quite frequently; this helps a lot, I think. I can't imagine what we would do if I worked a 'real' job and could only speak for a small amount of time each day.

We have already worked through the 'Is she real or is this an online persona' thing as well as determined our level of trust in one another, so we don't have the deceit issues (Thank God).

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?

[thedivahrrrself]

The hardest part for me is keeping a sense of deep connection with the lack of physical contact on a daily basis. It's amazing how that centers me, reinforces my love for her, and strengthens our bond. Just the hand-holding, presence is enough sometimes.

......................

Is anyone currently in a LD relationship? If so, what do you find is the hardest part?


I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself :)

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

[TheMerryFairy]

I do need physical contact and knowing that about myself makes it hard to consider doing a long distance relationship. Plus I am going to be taking on a traveling business project so I will likely be moving around every few weeks for as long as I feel the need.

However, if I found somebody who understood and was willing to give it a try, I might attempt it. I still would like visits at least every few months but that is something I could arrange on my end, especially if they had other things to take care of.

I can adjust to any environment but I like alone time and intimacy, even if that is not sexual. I love being around people and I socialize as much as possible so I suppose it comes down to the right connection.

[thedivahrrrself]

On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.


You're going to have to get used to seeing each other a lot more often. Add living together to the mix, and it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. There's a difference getting to know each other when you're travelling to see someone and getting to know each other when you're both doing the daily grind of work and house chores, and all that jazz.
In a new community, you will need to make your own friends. It will be hard not to just make your partner's friends into your friends. Having your own space and some independence in a new city allows you to explore the city and the people without only seeing the city through your partner's eyes. In my eyes, this makes you less dependent on the person who already lives there, and I think some measure of independence is extremely important. If you move somewhere, and your whole world, in that new place, is your partner, that's a lot of pressure on them, and it only sets you up for disappointment when they can't be everything to you.
There is no such thing as "not moving in quick enough". LOL Many people (IMHO) move too quickly. I know I have before, and the results were disastrous. I'm working off the hypothesis that slower moving relationships may achieve more stable, long-term results. I will let you know how my research progresses :)

[meridiantoo]

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself :)

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...

[TheMerryFairy]

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...


I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it.

I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me.

[Italianboi]

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself :)

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I totally agree with u..is what I always keep saying....pity that not many feel the same....

[thedivahrrrself]

Diva,

Thanks for your reply!

The being easily misunderstood part is a huge issue for us at times. When you don't have the eye contact and body language to complete verbal communication, it's really hard to read your partner wrong, and for that to just spiral. We have to do 'reality checks' a lot and that becomes tedious at times. If both people are not true verbal communicators, that only exacerbates the muddy waters.

You know, I am guilty of the unrealistic and selfish expectation of having a fantastic visit each and every time. I am learning to mature in this area and realize it's also about life as it happens and about settling into a routine and lifestyle with someone. When you see one another every day, you don't consciously think about these things, they just automatically get addressed and you move on to the next thing. This is an excellent point you brought up. Thank you!

The uncertainty is HUGE with me sometimes and often, I can't even pinpoint why I feel that way, but I think it has to do with the lack of daily reinforcement. When she is quiet (she's not a strong verbal communicator like I am) I doubt her love and that insults her and discourages her. It becomes a vicious cycle.

More later...I have to get offline for a few...


You've given me a lot to think on, particularly regarding making visits "fantastic". You've hit on something there for me. I have unrealistic expectations for myself at times, and so I tend to feel that I have failed or ruined something when things aren't fantastic. That's probably not something I should keep putting myself, or my love, through.

It is good to hear from someone making things work. I wish for you that your situation allowed you to take the next step in your relationship.

[StrongButch]

I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!

[thedivahrrrself]

I congratulate and respect those of you that can do LDR. Myself I wont do it. I want to wake up next to her,be able to pull her hair,spank her, etc. My hat is off to all of you. Good luck on your journey!

I'm not sure what you've heard, but people in LDR's do all these things. Unless you move in with a girl on the first date, you're not going to wake up next to her every day. LDR's don't stay apart forever. Much like short-distance dating, at some point many people choose to live together, so you can't really compare living with someone to an LDR. That's an uneven comparison.

[StrongButch]

I want to say im sorry didnt mean to offend you or anyone. I have had LDR and just not what I want to do. I just want the option to get in my jeep or jump on a horse and go see her. Enjoy have a great week folks.

[meridiantoo]

I can completely relate to the first statement, and I would concur that the hardest part is not being able to be touched for such long periods of time. In a situation where I am upset, for example, it would be easy to reassure me with a simple touch - a hand on the knee or an arm around the shoulder. It's much harder when all you have is a phone line. It is hard to feel connected sometimes, and it's so much easier to misunderstand each other.

There is also more pressure to have good times when you are together. I got sick the last time I flew down, and I felt so guilty because I felt like it was impeding on Our Time, and we get so little time together (though, thankfully, I can take my work with me so I did get to stay for a while).

I would say, for me, the biggest challenge is overcoming uncertainty. I suppose once you've had years together, that goes away, but in those times when you're just not connecting, it's so easy to be insecure, to wonder if the other person is pulling away or losing interest.

International relationships carry their own unique burdens (how I would love to just throw a random card or present in the mail sometimes!), and it's harder to do the little gestures that make someone feel special. But on the flip side, I suppose the fact that someone is willing to fly 5000 miles just to see you should make you feel pretty good about yourself :)

Is it worth it? I suppose that depends on the person. But for me, finding someone who intrigues me, challenges me, and excites me, who can also be tender - well, that's worth crossing the globe for.

I cannot even fathom international...that would be so difficult on many levels. I find across the country hard enough. That's a great point you make - if someone is willing to fly that far (not to mention the airfare involved), then you they must really want to see you.

I think it is worth it for the right person. But, it's not easy, that's for sure. You have to put forth effort to make the connection stay and the trust to blossom.

You've mentioned several things that made me think. Thank you for that insight!

[meridiantoo]

On the subject of relocation (and I will preface this by saying this is Just My Two Cents), I personally would not move in with someone while relocating to a new city. There are a few reasons for this.


You're going to have to get used to seeing each other a lot more often. Add living together to the mix, and it sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. There's a difference getting to know each other when you're travelling to see someone and getting to know each other when you're both doing the daily grind of work and house chores, and all that jazz.
In a new community, you will need to make your own friends. It will be hard not to just make your partner's friends into your friends. Having your own space and some independence in a new city allows you to explore the city and the people without only seeing the city through your partner's eyes. In my eyes, this makes you less dependent on the person who already lives there, and I think some measure of independence is extremely important. If you move somewhere, and your whole world, in that new place, is your partner, that's a lot of pressure on them, and it only sets you up for disappointment when they can't be everything to you.
There is no such thing as "not moving in quick enough". LOL Many people (IMHO) move too quickly. I know I have before, and the results were disastrous. I'm working off the hypothesis that slower moving relationships may achieve more stable, long-term results. I will let you know how my research progresses :)


Diva,

It is funny that you mention that relocating, but maintaining separate space at first is a good idea. We will be doing this due to several factors, but I think it is the healthiest choice for anyone to transition to a new location.

I think people, and especially lesbians (not sure why this is - you know, the old U-Haul joke), move in too fast. And that is fine for some, but it's definitely not me and I'm okay with taking things slow, not too slow, but slow enough that it's done right and well. Any relationship I moved fast in also fizzled fast. So, I've learned my lesson there.

I really appreciate your depth and insight on this thread. You have brought several things to my attention that I need to think about.

[meridiantoo]

I agree with the communication. I am pretty good at sensing things through text or over the phone etc but one of my crushes can't really communicate verbally and has a hard time with eye contact. This has led me to adjust my processing a bit but I think if something were to ever come of it, it might work if we took things slow and worked through it.

I process things through my senses which is hard for a lot of people to understand anyway. I can be "overly passionate' at times but I think that is the romantic in me.

Merry,

I am the same way - I process through my senses more than anything else. I think it's a gift and a curse, but I have a strong instinct that is highly accurate and I keep learning over and over to trust it and not second guess it no matter what.

Good luck to you if you do the LD thing. It's really not that hard, you just have to be somewhat independent to do it in a healthy way, that's all.

[Ciaran]

I cannot even fathom international...that would be so difficult on many levels. I find across the country hard enough. That's a great point you make - if someone is willing to fly that far (not to mention the airfare involved), then you they must really want to see you.


I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.


Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not.


However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for.


From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too.

[thedivahrrrself]

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.
.


You are lucky there, living in a hub - Bogota is not that far, but it takes me 12+ hours to travel between, most of which is layover. If I lived in Atlanta, however, it would only be a 5 hour flight.

[thedivahrrrself]

Diva,

It is funny that you mention that relocating, but maintaining separate space at first is a good idea. We will be doing this due to several factors, but I think it is the healthiest choice for anyone to transition to a new location.

I think people, and especially lesbians (not sure why this is - you know, the old U-Haul joke), move in too fast. And that is fine for some, but it's definitely not me and I'm okay with taking things slow, not too slow, but slow enough that it's done right and well. Any relationship I moved fast in also fizzled fast. So, I've learned my lesson there.

I really appreciate your depth and insight on this thread. You have brought several things to my attention that I need to think about.



Thanks, Meridian. I wish you and your partner all the best.

I think it is very normal for two women to want to move a little faster in relationships. Biologically speaking, the levels of oxytocin between two females is a pretty intense bonding agent, but I have learned the hard way - in the words of Skunk Anansie - "just because it feels good doesn't make it right". :)

This thread gives me lots to think about, too. I am very thankful for the insight I continue to gain from everyone's experiences!

[girl_dee]

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......





this is so true. i fly from Canada to New Orleans, for this i have to take a one hour flight to Toronto, fly to another location usually Houston, then to New Orleans. We are talking about a 15 hour travel day.

Flights leave from right here in town to Cuba and land in 3 hours. And for about half the price.

My flights are 1200.00 to New Orleans. i could fly to Thailand for less than $500

[meridiantoo]

I'm going for a visit next week to visit my LDR other and these are my meandering thoughts:

*I love the racing heart of excited anticipation as I am carried down the escalator in the LAX airport to my g/f standing at the bottom waiting for me. I always stop at the top of the escalator and hold the moment, to savor it, before I get on and go down to greet her.

*After 3.5 years of LD, I am finally feeling melded with her and the life we will have once I move. For a long time, it was more of a fantasy, not grounded and not fully comprehensible. At this point, it *almost* feels like going home.

*I can already tell, this will be a hard visit to end. They are always hard to end, to board that plane and leave her behind. But, this one will be especially hard.

*Why did I purchase black luggage? Everyone else also purchased black luggage. Another search mission ensues trying to decipher my bag from the other 150 black bags.

*I hope my cat is okay while I am gone. He is getting older now and I worry about him. :cat:

*Hoping to get the hilarious steward on my flight out on Southwest. He's such a cutie bug and so funny.


:flying:

[Gemme]

I'm going for a visit next week to visit my LDR other and these are my meandering thoughts:

*I love the racing heart of excited anticipation as I am carried down the escalator in the LAX airport to my g/f standing at the bottom waiting for me. I always stop at the top of the escalator and hold the moment, to savor it, before I get on and go down to greet her.

*After 3.5 years of LD, I am finally feeling melded with her and the life we will have once I move. For a long time, it was more of a fantasy, not grounded and not fully comprehensible. At this point, it *almost* feels like going home.

*I can already tell, this will be a hard visit to end. They are always hard to end, to board that plane and leave her behind. But, this one will be especially hard.

*Why did I purchase black luggage? Everyone else also purchased black luggage. Another search mission ensues trying to decipher my bag from the other 150 black bags.

*I hope my cat is okay while I am gone. He is getting older now and I worry about him. :cat:

*Hoping to get the hilarious steward on my flight out on Southwest. He's such a cutie bug and so funny.


:flying:

Just a note about the luggage....they have tags to help with that if you want to purchase some, but what has worked best for me and is super cheap is to knot a colorful hair scrunchy somewhere on the top near the handle. That way, no matter if it's flipped right side up or upside down, you'll see the splash of color. Or you can buy a roll of decorative duct tape and tape a design on your luggage. Or you can paint your wheels a funky color.

As for the actual relationship, time is your enemy. Either you're months/weeks/days away from the visit and it's dragging so slooooooowly or you're together and you blink and it's over because time finally caught up with itself and went into hyperdrive.

[Italianboi]

I understand why it would appear that international is much more daunting but, practically, I'm not certain that is always the case - at least, not where both parties live in major transport hubs. Just my perspective on this .......


I speak as someone who did the whole LDR-thing internationally for some years and, whilst the relationship ended, it wasn't due to distance issues. Note that, at the peak, we made 9 transatlantic trips in a single year (I traveled to California 6 times and she visited the UK on 3 occasions).


I live in London so can be in large US metropolitan hubs on the east coast in 7 hours and the west coast in 11 hours. Also, if you manage the time difference effectively, you maximise the time too.


For example, my ex-partner lives in San Diego and I live in London. San Diego is, geographically, just about the furthest part of mainland USA to London. However, given the 8 hour time difference, whenever I traveled to San Diego, I was able to spend half a day in the office, catch a flight to San Diego at 3pm and arrive into San Diego shortly after 6pm. On the way back, I'd fly at 8pm, sleeping on the plane, arriving into London early the following afternoon having slept on the plane.


So the traveling didn't eat into time too much. In fact, the traveling appears to be quicker and less tiring than some of the long (by European standards) car journeys that many people in the US regularly take. Take the Reunion for example. Little Rock is more difficult for me to get to than larger US cities as there are, understandably, no direct flights from London but I am still able to get there inside ten hours or so ...... a shorter time than many who made the trip from much closer parts of the US by road.


Also, the time for travel and cost of international airfares is often not much more than cross-country time and fares. For example, I am meeting my friend from San Diego in NYC in May. We decided to meet in NYC because it's almost a halfway point between San Diego and London. I think her flight to NYC takes six hours and my flight takes 7 hours. Also her return flight was around $600, not much less than my own fare.


Of course, there are some added complications in an international LDR which arrive if and when both parties want to take the relationship to the "next" level i.e. transforming the relationship from long distance to a physically closer one, whether living together or not.


However, usually, these challenges can be overcome and if you've got to that stage (that's a big if !), then it's hopefully something worth persevering for.


From my perspective, I cannot give advice on LDRs and any advice I would give would, based on my relationship failures, probably not be worth following anyway. All I'd say is keep it grounded and real - as I think some people who can be attracted to LDRs can be blinded by fantasy and overlook reality. But I'd say the same for relationships closer to home too.
I totally agree with you on this...and i speak for personal experience too as my ex live in SF and be 8 hrs in front was working just fine.....and to add...the long distance was NOT the problem that we break up.....
thank u Ciaran for this post....:)

[meridiantoo]

Just a note about the luggage....they have tags to help with that if you want to purchase some, but what has worked best for me and is super cheap is to knot a colorful hair scrunchy somewhere on the top near the handle. That way, no matter if it's flipped right side up or upside down, you'll see the splash of color. Or you can buy a roll of decorative duct tape and tape a design on your luggage. Or you can paint your wheels a funky color.

As for the actual relationship, time is your enemy. Either you're months/weeks/days away from the visit and it's dragging so slooooooowly or you're together and you blink and it's over because time finally caught up with itself and went into hyperdrive.


Thank you for the tip!

It is like that, isn't it? The time thing. You wait as days drag on until the visit, then the visit time flies by until it's gone like a flash. *sigh

[always2late]

Sometimes I think that I am more suited to LDRs, that my personality just lends itself better to those relationships. I like to be alone, I like having my own space. Although I am extremely physical, and very physically affectionate, I sometimes find that being with someone, living with them on a daily basis, strains me. I don't know how else to explain it, and don't mean to sound like I am icily aloof, I guess I'm just someone who can be content being alone or being in a distant relationship. Forgive my meandering thoughts, and inability to explain exactly what I mean...it's late, and insomnia tends to make me ramble on a bit.

[Gemme]

Sometimes I think that I am more suited to LDRs, that my personality just lends itself better to those relationships. I like to be alone, I like having my own space. Although I am extremely physical, and very physically affectionate, I sometimes find that being with someone, living with them on a daily basis, strains me. I don't know how else to explain it, and don't mean to sound like I am icily aloof, I guess I'm just someone who can be content being alone or being in a distant relationship. Forgive my meandering thoughts, and inability to explain exactly what I mean...it's late, and insomnia tends to make me ramble on a bit.

Not LDR related, but my dad and stepmom are married but live in different homes. Two doors down from one another. As a kid, I thought that was messed up but now....now I get it. They have their own spaces and they visit with one another during the day. He fixes her broken stuff and she cooks for him. Very traditional. Except for the fact he goes home to his own house at the end of the day. I require a lot of ME time and like sleeping alone too, so it could be genetic. :blink:

[rustedrims]

We have a long distance friendship going on.It is nice and comfortable.The phone calls are great and skyping can get intresting.Texts are random throughout the day. We talk about alot of stuff and i dont have anymore secrets.Some days are kinda hard when one of us needs a real hug or a little peck on the cheek.We both miss the human touch.

[Daktari]

Sometimes I think that I am more suited to LDRs, that my personality just lends itself better to those relationships. I like to be alone, I like having my own space. Although I am extremely physical, and very physically affectionate, I sometimes find that being with someone, living with them on a daily basis, strains me. I don't know how else to explain it, and don't mean to sound like I am icily aloof, I guess I'm just someone who can be content being alone or being in a distant relationship. Forgive my meandering thoughts, and inability to explain exactly what I mean...it's late, and insomnia tends to make me ramble on a bit.

I get it totally. Ex.Mrs.D enjoyed yours, my and our lives together. I would never move in with anyone else again without at least having my own room. I would prefer to live next door!

[thedivahrrrself]

Sometimes I think that I am more suited to LDRs, that my personality just lends itself better to those relationships. I like to be alone, I like having my own space. Although I am extremely physical, and very physically affectionate, I sometimes find that being with someone, living with them on a daily basis, strains me. I don't know how else to explain it, and don't mean to sound like I am icily aloof, I guess I'm just someone who can be content being alone or being in a distant relationship. Forgive my meandering thoughts, and inability to explain exactly what I mean...it's late, and insomnia tends to make me ramble on a bit.

I think I get what you are trying to say. Oddly, I'm terrible at being alone, but that is one of the reasons I think LD works for me. It forces me to be alone. It forces me to believe in myself and to have faith that a fight or those occasional patches of emotional distance won't be the end of the relationship. I tend to become whatever I think someone needs me to be, but when I'm not surrounded by their presence, I can't do that. I have to just be me and hope that he'll accept that.

The distance also forces me to move slowly and to be more cautious, something I have not done in the past. It allows me to evaluate a potential long-term partner from a distance, which is helpful. When someone is in front of me constantly, it's very easy to be blinded by the things I love about them and to ignore the things that should be big red flags. LD gives me long flights home to evaluate how I feel after each trip and reaffirm that (or question whether) I want to keep moving forward.

Not LDR related, but my dad and stepmom are married but live in different homes. Two doors down from one another. As a kid, I thought that was messed up but now....now I get it. They have their own spaces and they visit with one another during the day. He fixes her broken stuff and she cooks for him. Very traditional. Except for the fact he goes home to his own house at the end of the day. I require a lot of ME time and like sleeping alone too, so it could be genetic. :blink:

I know a couple who have lived like this, about a mile apart, for 14 years. It works very well for them. My friend Mel's parents also lived in separate houses for 20+ years until he died. It seems people can make almost any arrangement work if they love each other.

We have a long distance friendship going on.It is nice and comfortable.The phone calls are great and skyping can get intresting. Texts are random throughout the day. We talk about alot of stuff and i dont have anymore secrets.Some days are kinda hard when one of us needs a real hug or a little peck on the cheek.We both miss the human touch.

The part about not having secrets really sticks with me. I am so used to having carried so many secrets for so long that the burden was becoming unbearable. One of the hidden blessings of this LDR has been realizing that I can't keep holding on to those by myself, though I think at many times, my love may wish that I had! Through letting him in to see my vulnerabilities and flaws, I am learning more about myself and learning to deal with things that had been left unresolved for a long time.

For me, this is a really transformational time in my life, from many angles, and being in an LDR has allowed me the space to evolve both emotionally and intellectually on my own while simultaneously connecting with someone who is not intimidated by that.

[kittygrrl]

The ingredients have to be good to begin with otherwise disaster eventually..I don't think you can know that right away. The truth does come out eventually but can you accept it and walk or do you keep trying to make it what you thought it should be if you are emotionally involved? I think it's such a personal dilemma that this isn't an easy yes or no of course not.

[Ciaran]

I know a couple who have lived like this, about a mile apart, for 14 years. It works very well for them. My friend Mel's parents also lived in separate houses for 20+ years until he died. It seems people can make almost any arrangement work if they love each other.


I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

[thedivahrrrself]

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.


It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

[Gráinne]

It very much depends on who is involved, I think.

I know many people for whom this is ideal, and I know some people for whom 24 hours is not enough time to be with each other. LOL

The rest of us fall somewhere in between.

That's where compatibility comes in. Your "togetherness needs" have to align, or one of you will have to make serious compromises and it won't work anyway. A "24 hours is not enough" might be madly in love with an "I Need Space", but that's going to be a major roadblock. Something to discuss way, way before you even get to the living together talking.

[Hack]

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

I think alone time is healthy. For as madly and passionately that I am in love with my girlfriend, I can see in the future, when we are sharing a living space full-time, we will need our time to ourselves. I always insist on my partner having "girl time" with her friends because it is very important that your friendships don't wither. Ever. The great thing about my relationship is that we have a lot of interests in common (books, music, museums, art, travel) and just enough things we don't share that we can maintain separate interests and have that alone time without the other being threatened by it.

[lusciouskiwi]

I've posted about this before on this site but the above type of arrangement would be my ideal relationship. I like intimacy with a partner and sharing our physical space - but I cannot do this 24/7. I need alone time and I need my own personal space too sometimes. Therefore, 24/7 would be very claustrophobic for me and, simply, I don't think it would work unless we at least had separate rooms in the same house in addition to shared space.


When I think back to the few 24/7 relationships I've had, I realise that I always had separate living arrangements in part. For example, when I moved in with my partner around 2001 or so, I kept my own condo and would sometimes spend the night there (it was closer to my office anyway).


The difficulty is that some / many people perceive the need for separate personal space as indicative of a lack of commitment - whereas, from my perspective, it's nothing of the sort. Rather, it's to preserve my sanity and actually strengthen the relationship.

An ex and I had our own bedrooms but spent most of our time in hers - until she stopped being intimate with me and it was too painful to continue to sleep with her.

Having said that, I've always fancied having a house like this (Wellington, New Zealand - this type tends to be much longer than it is wider) where we could have plenty of separate space as well as lovely mad love shared space.

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQtlef4X4_XMSGOL3l-vPSd7kjERRKUVCmryFWTR3xtKeMNi8vR

[MasterfulButch]

1QUK4joINPU

Such a spectrum of human emotion.

Spoiler: These guys have since moved in together in Chicago :)

[JDeere]

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

[kittygrrl]

Great communication is a very good thing in LDR's. That was about the only thing that kept my relationships afloat.

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

[JDeere]

True, but I think it often times is a problem whether 2,000 miles away or 2 feet away..if you don't speak the same language it's hard to make it work, both of you must build a bridge and create your own special language unique to the two of you..

I agree as well, it's not a bad thing to have your own language as a couple!

[MasterfulButch]

Driving home tonight, I found myself thinking about long distance relationships and likening them to the experience of going to see a movie. When watching a film, your sight and hearing is the only connection you have to the story being told but if the movie’s good enough, those two are enough to have a profound effect on you. That movie can make you laugh, cry, grip the seat in terror or send you away to think about it for days or more. Almost all of us will have experienced this first hand and it just goes to show how much is in the mind. Of course, adding in one or more of the other senses will massively enhance the experience but my point is that they’re not a pre-requisite to having the experience in the first place.

Perhaps I’m just riling against the perception that a LDR is somehow less than; less meaningful or genuine or likely to last. I cannot agree with this myself and so I thought I’d post my perspective as a bit of an antidote for anyone who is considering a LDR and wondering if they’re crazy. The one big qualifier I’d flag here is that the whole thing hinges on the compatibility between you, your communication skills and what you’re each looking for. From here I’m making the assumption that you’re compatible, communicative beings and looking for something beyond the superficial and/or physically-centred.

A LDR forces you to do the one thing that will build the most solid foundation for any relationship: talk. Talking is all you have, for now at least. All this talking gives you the opportunity to really get to know one another. You have to go beyond their taste in music, what they had for breakfast or their plans for the weekend. You may be able to get away with this level of chat in real-time early stage dating but LDRs necessitate a greater intimacy from the start. The whole focus is on really getting to know the other person. Once you start talking, and I mean really talking, you begin to find out about their values, ambitions, belief-systems and ultimately, how they’ve come to be the person who is talking to you today. It’s not a quick process but if you really like the other person it feels like each new discovery is a gift and the time you spend here is not onerous but something you reflect on with true appreciation.

Although you may still be physical strangers, all this talking builds an inevitable intimacy. You know things about one another that even those around you may not be aware of. You’ve been able to build your understanding of the other person through their self-description so you’re uniquely positioned to see through their eyes. You’re both sharing the experience of discovering this blossoming connection and unlike real-time dating, you’re predisposed to talk about it which deepens the bond. To cement all of this, there’s the understanding that either of you could have chosen a simpler path, could have opted to date a local person but instead you’re here, reading your email at three in the morning despite the back-to-back meetings starting in just a few hours. You read it because it’s from her and because nothing makes you happier than seeing her name in your inbox and feeling the subsequent caress of her words.

So this brings me to the crux of it all: You don’t enter into a LDR with just anybody. If you’re looking for fun or companionship or hot sex then you’re bound to be able to find that relatively locally. A LDR is for a connection that goes above and beyond. It’s the person who intrigues you, challenges you, makes you laugh and leaves you pondering. It’s the person who can cut through the external that everyone else around you sees and instead goes straight to the authentic you. She’ll keep you awake at night, as you imagine what it would feel like to have her in your arms, inspiring you with questions borne of true curiosity and challenging you to find inventive ways to communicate your growing feelings whilst touch is not an option. She’s the person who, with just a few words, can make you feel like a lottery winner, or a rock star or an Olympic champion. She’s the person who makes you realise that it doesn’t matter a jot that you aren’t any of the above because she thinks you’re great, just as you are.

Nobody could persuade me that all of this is somehow less than. I know a LDR isn’t for everyone and I totally respect that but if you think it could be right for you then don’t be too quick to discount it. There are so many gifts here; the intimacy, the honesty, the intensity... With each day that passes the foundation is strengthened and although nobody knows what the future holds, these LDR roots could be the basis for a wondrous, long-term connection beyond anything you dared hope for. If this is the case then you should believe, without a doubt, that a life that’s able to bestow that is equally capable of delivering the means for you to convert your LDR into a real-time, shared life.

[homoe]

I applaud those who can do and have had success with LDR!

For me however, I’m looking for someone to spend quality time with and do things with in person. Those familiar with the Five Languages of Love will understand what I mean. Enjoying a movie, going to see a play, shop, dinner or cooking together are ways that I prefer to get to know someone. One on one interaction, in person, as opposed to skyping, emailing, texting, or phone chatting. Once one either hangs up or logs off, there one sits alone.

[MysticOceansFL]

I think long distance relationships are better because you still have your space and yet still have great communication to whom your involved with as friends as trying to find out what makes them tick but to me when your in a ldr its real as far as online goes but you fall in love with someones personality and character instead of how someone looks that's why I think it's more genuine.

[starryeyes]

I have had two very short LDRs in my past, and they have never worked out. But now that I am older, I think I would be more willing to try. Initially I wasn't digging it because I like to be with the person I am with, hang out, get to know their personal surroundings and such. But now that I am getting older, I can see the benefit of really getting to know each other on a deep, intimate level. I wouldn't want to have a LDR for a long period of time, I would need to see a light at the end of the tunnel, and that always gets sticky with details of how, when, etc. I personally have never relocated to be with anyone before, and I think if it ever came to that, it would be a hard decision to leave San Diego. I don't even know if I would do it, honestly.

But anyways... good luck to all the people in LDRs!! May you find happiness :)

[imperfect_cupcake]

I've been in several long distance relationships. When I first came out and knew I was femme, I was on vancouver island, and there wasn't very many butches or genderqueer there at that point. I met people through computer dating and my first butch partner was in NYC. It lasted four years. It only worked because I was in school and she was quite wealthy - I had time to be able to fly to her for longer periods of time, and she had the money to get me there.
Then when that one ended, I saw someone for two years in Boston. Same situation.
Then Texas for about 8 months, then Oakland for four months, then Manchester for two and a half years, I moved to the UK for a job offer and because I was in love though I moved to a different city.

Long distance in the UK was only about a three hour train ride. That never bothered me. Long distance in North America often means a plane ride and crossing borders for me. That's an entirely different thing to deal with.

I am actually pretty ok with shorter long distance. Like I would be happy to date someone who lived in seattle who had time to travel up to see me - I can't go there as the kind of school I'm in now is so intensified, I just don't have the time, nor the money.

When I do graduate, I will only be working three days a week with a good wage. I'd be happy to do long weekends in Seattle semi regularly.

However, I really, really doubt I would move to the U.S. I don't like how religious it is and I don't like the gun thing. Plus there are a few other things like health care that make me extremely anxious about living in the states ever again.

I do not wish to live with a partner, though. Happy to live in the same building but different floor. I'm most certainly not going to move into someone's house in the country. Or the burbs. That would find that depressing and isolating for me. I'm not that girl.

I'm perfectly happy us keeping our own space. Me in the city in a small apartment and my cat, them where they prefer to be with their three dogs and strange ideas about decorating. I'm also never going to be doing the house work. I'm not that girl either. Happy to be a cook for a weekend, if they do the dishes, and do some mending if they don't know how, but I'd rather spend time together talking, going out to museums, films, lectures, a pub whatever than spend time re-organizing a closet or vacuuming, while they tinker at something else and you have dinner together and watch some tv while chatting and surfing the net. I know that is some peoples domestic bliss, and more power to you, but I've done it and I can't stand it.

Eventually I would prefer living in the same city. I've never had a long distance thing last longer than four years. I also don't want something where if we have an arguement or something happens, we can manage to get to see each other in a matter of a couple hours transit and one that doesn't involve relying on a plane. Hoping into a car and being able to see me on a whim in three hours or less is rather do able. Having to drive for seven, not so much. For me, it's not really doable. I've done cross border with cross continent for years at a time and it's heartbreaking for me. Especially when something goes wrong and one of you needs the other person. I've done it through the death of someones parent and the death of someone's sibling and it really fucking awful. It's no way, for me, to have a permenant relationship.

If they lived two or three hours away, sure. I could do that. Five hours away? Seven hours away? No. I don't think I could. Not any more. Not unless not only did I have lots of long weekends off, but they could work from home and we were both wealthy enough to afford plane tickets booked on the same day.

[imperfect_cupcake]

I applaud those who can do and have had success with LDR!

For me however, I’m looking for someone to spend quality time with and do things with in person. Those familiar with the Five Languages of Love will understand what I mean. Enjoying a movie, going to see a play, shop, dinner or cooking together are ways that I prefer to get to know someone. One on one interaction, in person, as opposed to skyping, emailing, texting, or phone chatting. Once one either hangs up or logs off, there one sits alone.

It's interesting you bring this up. Mine is Acts of Service, which means I value someone actually helping me, rather than writing me a love letter. I do love talking, though so Skype calls are great, I do that even when people only live 45 minutes away, but that is not words of affirmation (one of the five languages). I love a good natter! Words of affirmation, aside from "you look hawt!!" Are nothing I need. I rarely need to hear I love you. I can tell quite easily that someone does by the way they behave. And if I can't tell by the way they behave, someone saying "I love you" is pretty worthless to me.

But if quality time *together* (in person) is you number one, I can totally see it. Quality time together for me came in the middle. I need it, probably more than is available in super long distance - but I prefer to have it less, with a different value behind it (for example, not sitting in the same room doing separate things, some people love just having body company. My flat mates fill that for me, plus I can belch, eat crisps, wear a mumu, and scratch my arse in ways I can't if I'm with a partner. I need my "slob time"). Even if I'm dating someone in the same city I can go a week or two without seeing them quite easily as long as we have great chats on skype or the phone. But I wouldn't like it to be longer than that. I'm not a fan of seeing someone once a month. That would bother me. If it's someone I really, really like... Every other week for a long weekend of complete involvement would be my minimum.

But I think you are totally right with the five languages thing. I think there is something to that.