Anybody want to talk about sexual expression (performance?) as we age? Nitty gritty stuff.

[iamkeri1]

This is not a thread about lesbian bed death, though we can talk about that in here, because I think changes in technique may help us "rise from the dead", lol.

What I want to talk about is positions that are easier, devices that may help, how to overcome the bad effects of medication on our libido or performance ability, how we can help our partners, or they can help us achieve whatever goal we desire (orgasm, union, physical closeness, whatever.)

I would like for posters to be as specific as they can comfortably be. If you suggest tantric sex, give us sources or links, or be specific, tell us step by step how you do what you do. Have you figured out a good position that makes penetration easier? - share it with us. Masturbation techniques are good, (please share them with us) but my personal interest is on what will help older couples. (In their "coupling", as it were.) Come on now, don't be embarrassed, we're all grown-ups here.

Also this would be a good place to talk about our feelings about sex as we age. I think a lot of us say, "I have lost interest", when what we really mean is "I'm afraid" - that I'm not attractive anymore, that I won't be able to please my partner, that I'll be in pain for days afterward, that I'll have to quit in the middle of it. Or we may mean, "I'm angry at you, so I don't want to have sex" A lot of things build up in a relationship, things go unsaid, feelings get hurt, and intimacies becomes problematic as a result. Maybe we can help each other get past this.

Those of us who are lucky enough to have lived past our youth are going to be facing some of these issues. Maybe talking about it will help.

Smooches,
Keri

[AtLast]

Although, I get told I am aging well (whatever that means), the fact is that I have severe polyosteoarthritis along with RA. In some ways, I felt older when first diagnosed in my early 40's. Sure, I remain active, but can't do many physical things I used to do. I'll be 60 in March of 2011 and most of the time age is just a number to me. I was a competitive athlete and these changes were not easy to accept.

My libido certainly can be affected my chronic pain and medications. What I have learned is that I have to just adjust dosages of some medications and use others to help during sex with muscle spasm and pain- kind of tricky!! Also, using mental imagery and just sex-talk can work wonders in kick-starting a higher level of desire. So can sensual massage and tantric methods (especially these breathing techniques for prolonged sexual activity).

Sexually positions have changed for me with age and the arthritis. Won't be flying off ceilings anymore! Yet, sex remains the wonder it always has been for me...... with the right partner. And choosing a partner that understands able-bodied privilege and sex is important for me.

Life changes with age, just a fact and sex changes along with everything else. Reaching the appropriate developmental stages in life to meet these changes emotionally with acceptance, and an ability to explore possibilities (instead of only seeing loss and barriers) and the inner grace to explore my body from different viewpoints, has been key to remaining a healthy sexual being while aging. I don’t gauge sex according to performance criteria of others except for the desires and needs of a partner. We will meet somewhere in the middle!

Oh, I did have a loss of libido during menopause, but it elevated later on... think it was finally being free from the horrible and frequent headaches I had!

Thanks for the thread! I hope there will be lots of discussion from everyone.

[iamkeri1]

Anyone in the mood to talk about this stuff today?

OK, I have one. This is for folks who are used to using a cock in their lovemaking. If your knees, or your partner's knees are bad and that makes penetration with a strap-on cock difficult, try this. Lie side by side, have the cock wielding partner hold the cock in her/his hand and penetrate that way. Though it may require a small mental shift, it can still feel great to both partners. Remember a cock in the hand is better than two sexually unsatisfied partners, LOL.
Smooches,
Keri

[Starrynightaw]

Ill talk about it.
Since I normally date those older than me, I have had to accommodate for their physical limits. When its a bad back issue, I've experienced its easier to be on top myself so the weight can be distributed evenly for them. I prefer the doggy-style type position but if they have bad knees its easier to let them lean over you like in a slanted position, sometimes it gets deeper so it's kinda a win-win for both.

Just some random thoughts.

[AtLast]

Thank the Goddesses for people dealing with reality without shame! No way with severe poly-osteoarthritis, RA and fibromyalgia am I going to be able to swing from the rafters as I used to!!

But... ADAPTATION is everything! So is having a partner that isn't stuck on sex as static!

And yanno... there is a lot of sexiness and arousal with all the pre-adjustment/adaptation talk! The human voice is one of the most sensual tools of the trade.

LOL, I remember visiting my Mom at the senior facility she lived in and seeing many smiles and winks among the residents.

[Hollylane]

I haven't made a graphic post in awhile. So, here it comes.....but don't be surprised by my vanilla ;)

My partner and I always preferred for him to be behind me. Due to his constant knee/leg pain, we now do this with me draped over the best height appropriate piece of furniture. I push back onto him to further help the process.

His sex drive is currently MIA(as is mine due to illness), but I find other ways to satisfy our need for intimacy and skin to skin contact. Even if that means I just squish him with my entire body for our mutual entertainment & giggles/laughter.

[iamkeri1]

Those who prefer rear entry may be assisted by this pillow.

http://www.therightposition.com/store/product.php?productid=1&cat=1&page=1 (http://www.therightposition.com/store/product.php?productid=1&cat=1&page=1)

Come to think of it, don't know why it wouldn't help in any sexual activity where one partner stands - or anything else you might think of.

Smooches,
Keri

[Rockinonahigh]

Omg..hear we goooooo,yep this subject is much needed for those who feel a way to injoy sex a diffrent way.Tipin my hat to ya keri..way to go.
What im fixin to say happened to me not onec but a fue times in varying degrees, and has been the royal pan in the ass..really.OK,hear goes.The last time I has sex With anyone ..well this is what happened.We were going 90 when I had a spaz in my lower back wich cramped up my left leg real bad..talking pain hear folks.ANyway I roll to the side of the bed to get in a siting position but was to close to the edge,fell off the bed landing on the floor like a sack of potatos.When I come to my sences I had one pissed off femme giveing me hell for quiting at the worse time.Not a good situation at all,needless to say I dont see this person anymore.NOr am I wanting to have this happen again, so after a time I just quit trying.So now the truth is out for the world to see.When rereading this in hopes I dont have to many typos I had a good laugh about it,really I did,life can be stranger than fiction.

[iamkeri1]

Rockin
That is so funny and so horrible at the same time. I feel for you my friend. But you can't give up. This is what we need this thread for. Femme on top might help if she has no limitations that would make that difficult for her.

Be more specific about what you were "going 90" at and maybe someone will have a workable solution for you.
Smooches,
Keri

[Rockinonahigh]

[QUOTE=iamkeri1;358276]Rockin
That is so funny and so horrible at the same time. I feel for you my friend. But you can't give up. This is what we need this thread for. Femme on top might help if she has no limitations that would make that difficult for her.

Be more specific about what you were "going 90" at and maybe someone will have a workable solution for you.
Smooches,
Keri[/QUOTE

Change "goin 90" to hot and heavy..was more like it.I guarentee if I ever find someone else to have sex with we will have a good talk about this sort of thing.ONe thing that over the years that I find is when you tell someone u r a stone butch they have this notion that its one way only or that im going to freak out if we try something else.My stoness is reflected in that I am not into penetration ...her yes if she wants, me no way.My stoneness has changed over the years,as in life all things change in varying degrees.

[kannon]

This is not a thread about lesbian bed death, though we can talk about that in here, because I think changes in technique may help us "rise from the dead", lol.

What I want to talk about is positions that are easier, devices that may help, how to overcome the bad effects of medication on our libido or performance ability, how we can help our partners, or they can help us achieve whatever goal we desire (orgasm, union, physical closeness, whatever.)

I would like for posters to be as specific as they can comfortably be. If you suggest tantric sex, give us sources or links, or be specific, tell us step by step how you do what you do. Have you figured out a good position that makes penetration easier? - share it with us. Masturbation techniques are good, (please share them with us) but my personal interest is on what will help older couples. (In their "coupling", as it were.) Come on now, don't be embarrassed, we're all grown-ups here.

Also this would be a good place to talk about our feelings about sex as we age. I think a lot of us say, "I have lost interest", when what we really mean is "I'm afraid" - that I'm not attractive anymore, that I won't be able to please my partner, that I'll be in pain for days afterward, that I'll have to quit in the middle of it. Or we may mean, "I'm angry at you, so I don't want to have sex" A lot of things build up in a relationship, things go unsaid, feelings get hurt, and intimacies becomes problematic as a result. Maybe we can help each other get past this.

Those of us who are lucky enough to have lived past our youth are going to be facing some of these issues. Maybe talking about it will help.

Smooches,
Keri


Gettin' down to the nitty gritty.....love it.

Communication is the key. Honest and open communication. If your partner is understanding and willing to work and explore with you then things should work out.

Performance can be tweaked and adjusted to overcome almost any physical barriers.

[Starrynightaw]

Omg..hear we goooooo,yep this subject is much needed for those who feel a way to injoy sex a diffrent way.Tipin my hat to ya keri..way to go.
What im fixin to say happened to me not onec but a fue times in varying degrees, and has been the royal pan in the ass..really.OK,hear goes.The last time I has sex With anyone ..well this is what happened.We were going 90 when I had a spaz in my lower back wich cramped up my left leg real bad..talking pain hear folks.ANyway I roll to the side of the bed to get in a siting position but was to close to the edge,fell off the bed landing on the floor like a sack of potatos.When I come to my sences I had one pissed off femme giveing me hell for quiting at the worse time.Not a good situation at all,needless to say I dont see this person anymore.NOr am I wanting to have this happen again, so after a time I just quit trying.So now the truth is out for the world to see.When rereading this in hopes I dont have to many typos I had a good laugh about it,really I did,life can be stranger than fiction.

Thats amazingly funny and sad all at the same time. Im sorry to hear things have gotten like that.

[Rockinonahigh]

One thing I really beleave in is foreplay,its not a quick stop but a destanation thats not in a hurry,lots of people have forgoten that sex is suposed to be enjoyed,not rushed,we muxt have some humor included when its needed.

[Leigh]

I've quite often dated partners older than Me, and we've had to accommodate some physical problems but in the end it all worked out. Rockin I'm really sorry that happened to you, I guess I would just think if your in pain that the femme would understand and be more concerned about how your doing and not whether or not you can finish what you began. Foreplay most certainly comes first but I think that no matter the age or physical condition one partner may be dealing with, experimentation and a great imagination will definately help when coming up with new ways to have fun :-)

[Quintease]

I was on anti-depressants for about 5 years in my 20's. I actually had to change my meds every year in order to not lose my orgasm! The best thing I found to keep my libido going was to just do it! Once I started it was fine, it was just the maintaining interest that could be problematic. I also found porn that I could read on my own, that kept me interested.

I've also road-tested a Kegel and would recommend it to anyone. I haven't had kids yet but this Kegel was worth it's weight in gold. I raved about it so much that my Sister-in-law went out and bought one.

[iamkeri1]

Quintease,
Can you provide a link for the Kegel?
Smooches,
Keri

[Rockinonahigh]

Hellooooo,how is everyone today???Just thought I would check this out hear,will post more later.

[AtLast]

Thinking about the use and role of things like musle relaxants as proprophylactic agents for chronic pain folks. I get really tired of purist outrage against this. If something enables me to enjoy sex more and be more agile physically during sex- keep your purist pronunciations to yourself! BTW, other non-pharma methods can be utilized- accupresure is one that ought to find it's way along with self-hypnosis to the bedroom. Again, an altered-state is not always negative dirung sex!!

[wolfbittenpoet]

Thinking about the use and role of things like musle relaxants as proprophylactic agents for chronic pain folks. I get really tired of purist outrage against this. If something enables me to enjoy sex more and be more agile physically during sex- keep your purist pronunciations to yourself! BTW, other non-pharma methods can be utilized- accupresure is one that ought to find it's way along with self-hypnosis to the bedroom. Again, an altered-state is not always negative dirung sex!!
The only thing I recommend from muscle relaxant use for sex is to have some safeties in place. I overdid more then once and only felt it the next day. And I am not talking nice afterglow aches but oh my god what bus hit me agony.

[Quintease]

Quintease,
Can you provide a link for the Kegel?
Smooches,
Keri

Oh god, mine was a Kegel 8 (http://www.kegel8.co.uk/kegel8-tightandtone.html), so they're not cheap. I swear they work though, provided you're prepared to use them every day for at least 3 months. My sister-in-law managed and she has two kids, a business and she's not the most organised person in the world..

There are much cheaper manual ones, but I was always too lazy to use them.

[atomiczombie]

Omg..hear we goooooo,yep this subject is much needed for those who feel a way to injoy sex a diffrent way.Tipin my hat to ya keri..way to go.
What im fixin to say happened to me not onec but a fue times in varying degrees, and has been the royal pan in the ass..really.OK,hear goes.The last time I has sex With anyone ..well this is what happened.We were going 90 when I had a spaz in my lower back wich cramped up my left leg real bad..talking pain hear folks.ANyway I roll to the side of the bed to get in a siting position but was to close to the edge,fell off the bed landing on the floor like a sack of potatos.When I come to my sences I had one pissed off femme giveing me hell for quiting at the worse time.Not a good situation at all,needless to say I dont see this person anymore.NOr am I wanting to have this happen again, so after a time I just quit trying.So now the truth is out for the world to see.When rereading this in hopes I dont have to many typos I had a good laugh about it,really I did,life can be stranger than fiction.

Sounds like the girl was very insensitive to your unfortunate physical limitation. I wouldn't date someone who got pissed in this situation. Don't blame yourself. Just find someone who is more understanding and compassionate.

[iamkeri1]

ALH,
I guess I am not following you, what kind of purist would be against this? Could you explain a little more? Seems logical to me - like taking omeprazole (prilosec) before tacos to prevent heartburn.
I can only imagine I would object if you were so overly medicated that you could not control your performance as it were, or if you were totally tuned out to me. The only ones whose opinions should matter are yours and your partner(s) for the occasion.
Smooches,
Keri

Thinking about the use and role of things like musle relaxants as proprophylactic agents for chronic pain folks. I get really tired of purist outrage against this. If something enables me to enjoy sex more and be more agile physically during sex- keep your purist pronunciations to yourself! BTW, other non-pharma methods can be utilized- accupresure is one that ought to find it's way along with self-hypnosis to the bedroom. Again, an altered-state is not always negative dirung sex!!

[AtLast]

ALH,
I guess I am not following you, what kind of purist would be against this? Could you explain a little more? Seems logical to me - like taking omeprazole (prilosec) before tacos to prevent heartburn.
I can only imagine I would object if you were so overly medicated that you could not control your performance as it were, or if you were totally tuned out to me. The only ones whose opinions should matter are yours and your partner(s) for the occasion.
Smooches,
Keri

This would be the "never take a narcotic" (pain medication) purist. Or people that continually go on about how awful any type of medication is bad. I get really tired of able-bodied, non-chronic pain individuals pontificating about pain or muscle relaxant medications. Absolutely, one that uses thes prescriptions and will for the rest of their life needs to be careful and also integrate non-medication pain relief procedures in the mix. But, sometimes, these medications are needed.

I have had pain issues in my life since the age of 16. I have never become dependent on pain or other types of habit-forming medications (or other drugs such as alcohol) and I'm 60 now. Yes, I most certainly have had to be aware of the risks and sometimes when I look back at teen and young adulthood, I think I was at great risk to become addicted to these medications. Perhaps because I was always physically active and swimming was a sport I participated in, I was controlling pain in that way for a very long time even though there were times I was bed-ridden due to back pain. Even after major spine surgeries, I always stopped paion meds within 48 hours. yes, we have to be aware and careful, but there is a lot of moralizing about the use of these kinds of medications, I believe.

I agree with you about not having control over performance or not really being "present" during love-making. Best thing to do is take half of something- or just enough to put pain/stiffness at bay. I guess alcohol could be used as well. I don't drink much, so that probably wouldn't come to mind right away. However, a glass of a nice wine with dinner could work! LOL, I am such a light-weight, one glass is enough.

Does this help?